Starting Five
To quote The Dandy Warhols: “A long time ago, we used to be friends.”
1. “The Justice Department” is an Oxymoron
Watching Jon Stewart finally accept that Barack Obama’s White House is no cleaner than George Bush’s was, well, revelatory. It began with an examination of how the IRS specifically targeted right wing political groups:
“(The IRS) used names like Tea Party or Patriots, and they selected cases simply because the application had those names in the title. That was wrong. The IRS would like to apologize for that.”
—Lois Lerner, IRS Director of IRS Exemptioons
Jon Stewart: “Oh, okay, that’s–WAIT A MINUTE! I didn’t realize apologies were sufficient in IRS-related issues… and as long as we’re talking about this, on my tax return I put down that I had a farm. Actually, I had a salad. Soooooo…..sorry.”
And then, after Lerner states in a conference call that about “a quarter” of the political organizations that were targeted by the IRS had “patriot” or “tea party” in their names, Tom Costello of NBC News goes for clarification. “That would be a quarter of the 300 then, so we are talking 75 or so?”
Lerner: “That is correct. Is that a quarter? Thank you. I’m not good at math.”
Good one, Miss IRS Staffer!
Stewart: “This has, in one seismic moment, shifted the burden of proof from the tin foil-behatted to the government.”
Stewart to Obama: “In a few short weeks, you’ve managed to show that when the government wants to do good things, your managerial competence falls somewhere between David Brent (I love that Stewart went with Original Recipe “The Office” here, and not American-Style) and a cat chasing a laser pointer, but when government wants to flex its more malevolent muscles, you’re (bleeping) Ironman!”
Stewart: “I’m sorry, I’m overreacting…our form of government is bigger than these issues. This storm will pass–really? Right now?”
Cut to Wolf Blitzer: “We’re just getting this into the Situation Room…calling it a quote ‘massive and unprecedented intrusion,’ the Associated Press now saying the Justice Department secretly obtained two months of phone records of its reporters and editors…”
Stewart: “(Obscenity)”.
2. LOOK! It’s hockey!
Boston now has its own “Miracle on Ice”, exactly three Mondays after the marathon tragedy.
We don’t spend enough time here discussing the NHL, because frankly when I think of icing my first thought is, “Mmmm, cake.” But last night’s Game 7 between the Toronto Maple Leafs and Boston Bruins, two of the Original Six (the NHL’s answer to “First of Men”), was a classic. The Maple Leafs led 4-1 in Boston with less than 15 minutes to play in the third period. Then the Bruins embarked on an epic comeback, scoring three goals to tie it and force overtime, after which it just seemed inexorable that they would win. The Bruins became the first team in NHL history to erase a three-goal deficit in a Game 7 of the Stanley Cup playoffs.
As always, when a Canadian club loses to the Bruins in the postseason, there is a massive display of fandom out of doors.
2011: Vancouver loses to Boston in Game 7, inciting a spontaneous blacktop makeout session.
3. Remember last week when I mentioned that the White House Correspondents’ Dinner and the Met Gala were the first two legs of the East Coast’s Triple Crown of spring soirees, but that I could not conjure the third? Well, a friend reminded me this morning of what it is: The Robin Hood Foundation Gala. Last night’s event, emceed by Brian Williams and held at the Jacob Javitz Center in New York City raised upwards of $80 million (you heard me) from some of the fattest Tabbies and American Shorthairs on Wall Street. Entertainers included Jerry Seinfeld, Louis CK, Paul Simon and Sting who, fittingly, performed “Fields of Gold.”
Lloyd Blankfein: The Ariel Castro of the financial sector.
Of course, it’s easier to be philanthropic when, after your business goes into the toilet due to your own mismanagement and skulduggery, the government writes you a check for $18 billion with no strings attached. But, hey, that’s just me…
4. Seriously, this Justice Department vs. AP story is going to make Benghazi look like a pimple on an offensive lineman’s back. Journalism careers will be made off this (see Messrs. Woodward and Bernstein) and political careers will go down in flames. It’s only just begun. As our favorite colonel once informed our favorite JAG cross-examiner, “You just (bleeped) with the wrong Marine!” You know who you don’t target if you are the government and are looking to avoid bad press? THE ASSOCIATED PRESS!
The Department of Justice: Edifice Wrecks.
The only reason I can think that Stewart used it as a kicker last night is because his staff understands how monstrous a story it is about to be and that there was no way to tackle it with just an hour or so notice before going on air. In the words of our favorite political backstabber, Petyr Baelish, “Early days, my friend.”
5. Memphis outlasts Oklahoma City in overtime to take a 3-1 lead. Meanwhile, “Inside the NBA” devotes most of its postgame show to mocking the manner in which Charles Barkley duck walks to use the men’s room in between segments. Earlier in the evening, they showed a photo of the capri pants Dwyane Wade wore to the United Center for Game 4 and someone (Kenny Smith?) warbled off-camera, “Karma karma karma karma karma cham-eee-leeeon…” “Inside the NBA” has the on-set chemistry that every other sports studio show lusts after. It’s alchemy. You cannot just make it happen, Jamie Horowitz, no matter how hard you try.
“Robin Hood, Robin Hood
Riding thru the glen
Robin Hood, Robin Hood
With his band of men
STEALS from the RICH,
GIVES to the POOR
Robin Hood, Robin Hood, Robin Hoooooood”
Pleeeeze tell me a band of masked “robbers” goes from table to table collecting the “loot” from all those fat kitties at the ‘Belmont Stakes’ of galas. MeeeOOOWW!
Every time I click over to watch TNT’s own Merry Men, Shaq keeps trying to get Charles to engage in some kind of bet/physical contest. My fave Chuck response was that if Shaq kept it up, he would NEVER vote Shaq into the Hall.
If I was a Bruin fan & watched last night, I probably would have fainted (or had a visit from the police for ‘disturbing my neighbors from all the yellin’). If I had turned off the game a little early thinking another season was over (1-4, 1-4, in the 3RD?!!!) & found out this morning what had happened in the end, I would have had a stroke. Lesson – it’s risky business being a Bruin fan.