Starting Five

1. Hey, bro, we don’t need no more POE-lice. We need more people like Charles Ramsey. Good people. McDonald’s kind of people. After a weekend in which “Ironman 3” was released and has already earned more than $623 million worldwide, a far more compelling figure, a dishwasher who rides his bike to the Golden Arches to procure himself Big Macs, became the most interesting man in the country. At least for one day.

 

“Hey bro, check this out. I just came from McDonald’s right? So I’m on my porch eating my little food, right? This broad is trying to break out the f—–g house next door to me, so there’s a bunch of people on the street right now and s–t. So we’re like, ‘What’s wrong, what’s the problem?’ She’s like, ‘This m——–r done kidnapped me and my daughter … She said her name is Linda Berry or some s–t. I don’t know who the f–k that is, I just moved over here, bro. You know what I mean?”

— Charles Ramsey’s 911 call

Somehow three females were held captive in a home for a decade or so and yet it is Ramsey, the man who helped free them (without, I assume, ever letting go of his Royale with Cheese), who has become the viral superstar. Anderson Cooper, who lives in a cryogenic chamber in a hangar at the Teterboro Airport, quickly whisked his silver-haired self off to Cleveland in order to beat Carl Monday to the exclusive. Too late, A.C.. Reporter John Kosich of Cleveland ABC affiliate WEWS was the first one on the scene and scored the spontaneous interview that will live forever on YouTube.

By the way, am I the only sicko who wonders how many other such women are being held against their will in a similar fashion all across the country (“Don’t make me hurt your dog…”). (and I just realized that people drive and sing along to Tom Petty tunes in both “The Silence of the Lambs” and “Jerry Maguire.”)

2. Tom Seaver. Dwight Gooden. And now, Matt Harvey. The New York Mets aren’t very good, but –sorry, Mr. Strasburg — they do have the best young arm in baseball. Last night the 24 year-old right-hander, who is built like a casa for poopin’ made of dried clay, was perfect through 6 2/3 innings despite being bothered by a bloody nose in the early frames. Harvey went nine innings, allowed one hit (an infield single with two outs in the 7th frame), no walks, no runs and struck out 12. Of course, since Harvey pitches for the Mets, he did not get the win. The Citi Field Follies broke a scoreless tie in the 10th to defeat the Chicago White Sox. Harvey, who made his Major League debut only last July, is 4-0 with a 1.28 ERA (2nd-best in baseball) and 0.69 WHIP (best in the game).

3. Mis-Happ

Strangely, and awfully, enough, Harvey was not the only pitcher to bleed from a cranial orifice while on the mound Tuesday night. Toronto Blue Jay pitcher J.A. Happ took a comeback line drive from Desmond Jennings off the left side of his foreheadl and slumped to the mound at Tropicana Field in St. Petersburg. Happ was carted off the field and taken to a local hospital for tests.

4. Vultures. Volcanoes. Don’t go hiking in the Pyrenees…or in the Philippines.

5. Matt Kemp: The Coolest Man in Sports this week. The boy, Joshua Jones, requires a wheelchair and is unable to speak, according to a story by Tim Brown of Yahoo! Sports. His father, Steve Jones, had told Dodger third-base coach Tim Wallach before the game that his son is dying and that his favorite player is Matt Kemp. Wallach passed along the story to Kemp, who made the final out in what was the Dodgers’ fourth consecutive loss. And yet Kemp waited for Wallach in the dugout after that out and told him that he wanted to visit the boy. There’s at least one Los Angeles angel who does not play in Anaheim.

Also, I’d invite Chris Broussard to watch this video. THIS is a Christian. Defined by his actions, not  by his bedmate.

Reserves

Do you love wine? Of course you do. You love music festivals, too, don’t you? And yet how does one fill the void of time between April and Coachella and early June and Bonnaroo (“Jazzfest!” you say. Hush. I’m trying to make a point here)? I give you the inaugural BottleRock music festival in Napa Valley, Calif., being decanted this weekend. Despite the absence of April Wine (would seem to be a no-brainer), the lineup is impressive: Kings of Leon, Black Keys, Jane’s Addiction, both Jackson Browne and the Zac Brown Band, Violent Femmes, Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes, The Flaming Lips and Cake, among others. I looked but did not see The Obesity Epidemic on the bill.

 

An annual rite of spring: Staying up past Prudent O’clock to watch Ernie, Kenny and Sir Charles discuss hoops and life during the NBA playoffs. The best part about their late-night gabfests is that there never seems to be a time slot. Will this post-game show last 20 minutes? Two hours? I guess it all depends on whether TNT feels like dropping another episode of “Cold Case” on us. Meanwhile, last night someone mentioned Skip Bayless to Ernie’s fill-in, Matt Weiner, and Barkley interjected, “If I could get Skip Bayless into a room, they’d need DNA evidence to find out who it was afterwards.”

From the “You’re Not Shocked” Dept.

Tim Lambesis, lead singer of the Christian heavy-metal band As I Lay Dying (I don’t know about you, but if I’m a heavy metal band naming myself after a William Faulkner novel, I’m going with “The Sound and The Fury“), is arrested for plotting to have his estranged wife killed. Which sort of contradicts the band’s Christian message, I would suppose.

Gregg Popovich. You should love this man. His team is trailing at home by 12 to start the fourth quarter, and maybe that’s why TNT’s David Aldridge chose not to ask more than one question during the between quarters interview. No coach is more intimidating than Pop, after all. And so of course this is the moment Pop chooses to inform us that he has a sense of humor. Aldridge thanks Popovich after one question and Pop just stares at him, surprised. “No second question, hunh? I’m hurt.” And who won the game? Exactly.

****

Every few months (or is it weeks?) Matt Taibbi of Rolling Stone bellows that the sky is falling, provides indisputable evidence of this fact, and yet no one pays attention. His latest article, “Everything is Rigged”, only uncovers THE LARGEST INCIDENCE OF FRAUD IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD, but, you know, meh. My favorite line comes after Taibbi details an exchange between two traders in which one agree to lowball his daily LIBOR rate in exchange for day-old sushi: “Screwing around with world interest rates in exchange for day-old sushi–it’s hard to imagine an image that better captures the moral insanity of the modern financial-services sector.”

You need to read this story. More importantly, you need to comprehend the gravity of what is transpiring. These I-bankers –not all bankers, mind you; there are one or two decent ones out there — are the true “enemy combatants.”

“Let’s talk about the miscellaneous!” This on-line interview featuring Bill Simmons, David Jacoby and Jalen Rose quickly evolved from a discussion on why great shooters are more comfortable at home to the fine art of procuring seats for both your spouse and your mistress (“roadkill”). Stuff you won’t hear during the KIA Halftime Report (but that you would hear on TNT with Sir Charles, et al.)

Also in Rolling Stone, a list of the 100 Best Debut Albums Ever: I’d put “The Cars” in the top 10 –there isn’t a single dud track on the album, and tunes such as “Bye Bye Love” and “All Mixed Up” show genuine maturity — and I don’t know how “Appetite For Destruction” loses out to three nice Jewish boys from Brooklyn who really cannot sing or play any instruments. Also, Pearl Jam’s “10” finishes 46th??? That rag still has a major beef with Eddie Vedder after all these years.

 Remote Patrol: Hotspurs and Spurs Edition

Chelsea vs. Tottenham Hotspur

Fox Soccer Channel 2:30 p.m.

Messi and Ronaldo are so “ayer.” The latest soccer sensation is a 23 year-old Welshman who plays for Tottenham, Gareth Bale (we’ve mentioned him a time or three). The top four Premier League teams qualify for the following season’s UEFA Champions League. Chelsea (20-8-7, 68 points) is currently in third place while Bale’s side is in fifth (19-8-8, 65 points) is in fifth. Arsenal sits in fourth place with 67 points as the season heads into its final two weeks. This is Bale’s moment.

 

 

Golden State at San Antonio, Game 2

TNT 9:30 p.m.

It’s likely too much to ask for, that Game 2 be anywhere near as compelling as Game 1. One thing we do know, and Warrior coach Mark Jackson informed his young team of this as well: four previous teams have blown leads of 16 points or greater in the NBA playoffs, and all four have come back to win the following game (I’ll admit, I did not fact-check this; Jackson may just be blowing smoke). Meanwhile, enjoy Stephen Curry on the cover of SI as well as these conceptual designs of the Warriors’ proposed arena on the San Francisco Bay.