By Katie (that’s me doing my Renee Zelwegger imitation)

Well! The Oscars. Another Awards season come and gone, where does the time go? I’ve been addicted to these things since Jennifer Lawrence was but a twinkle in Jack Nicholson’s eye, kids.
I’m going to say right off the bat, I thought “We Saw Your Boobs” was hilarious. I thought the sock-puppet rendition of “Flight” was also hilarious. I thought the comment about how Denzel was in all those Nutty Professor movies was, you guessed it, hilarious. I thought the whole opening bit last night was great—Seth McFarlane was brave and stuck to what he thought was funny without being mean-spirited, and in my opinion, it worked.
Was the opener super long? Yes it was, and I wanted it to keep going because I found it all highly entertaining, almost as entertaining as all those frothing at the mouth at how sexist and offensive it  was. The best are the people (the flippin’ critic in our local paper!!) who actually thought the outraged reaction shots of Charlize Theron and Naomi Watts during the boob song were real. To them I say, “Look closely and you will see, none of those actresses were wearing the same dresses or had the same hairstyles.” It’s OK, I’m here to help.

And sexist? Can you deny all those boobs were seen? No you cannot. For all those angry because some of those actresses were portraying rape victims, guess what: they weren’t actually being raped. They were acting, and they were all paid handsomely. I saw Monster’s Ball, and if anything, I’m the one who got raped.
The whole show was so completely disjointed and weird, it was strangely awesome. Now, those who know me know, I always love the Oscars no matter what, even if Whoopie Goldberg is hosting. That is just my way. But last night was an all-timer; Jennifer Lawrence fell, Meryl Streep picked her fanny, the Avengers were so bad they made me feel glorious, Catherine Zeta Jones was so fantastic I didn’t even care she was lip-synching, Jennifer Hudson gave me chills, Barbra Streisand sang, some old man in a gold dress came out and bellowed the theme to Goldfinger (everyone acted like they knew who that was…well I didn’t. Sorry, I’m too busy not being 100) the whole show was inexplicably dedicated to musicals with a side of James Bond (???)…since when has Oscar night had a theme beyond just movies? Not just one, either, a theme with a minor.  I’m all for it. Here’s hoping next year it’s westerns with a splash of comedy or space movies with a soupcon of Quentin Tarantino… there could be a big number where the theater is awash with severed body parts and blood. Who produced this freaky joyride? Please come back next year, and bring Seth with you. And of course, Michelle Obama and her Zooey Daschanal bangs giving out the award for best picture. Absolutely bizarre.
All right, let’s talk about the stars. I thought for sure “Most Hammered” would go to Quentin Tarantino, but nope, it was a tie between Renee Zellwegger and Kristen Stewart. I didn’t expect much from Ms. Stewart, I’m not a fan and I can’t figure out why she keeps getting jobs. She looked her usual sweaty self, talent and personality free and sporting a fittingly ugly bruise on her upper arm. But Renee…what happened to you? You used to be my fave. You were actually swerving around on stage, looking like you were trying really hard to focus. You didn’t even bother to do your hair. Wow. If this keeps up, you’ll have to change your name to Kathleen Turner in about 2 years.

I thought Anne Hathaway was a lock for most annoying (for the record, I considered launching a backlash to the backlash against her—I really believe she deserved to win and that she is incredibly talented) but that distinction goes to Kristin Chenoweth. She has got to stop with the “Wookit me I’m just a wittle teeny person” schtick. This is now the second awards show in a row where she has asked someone to pick her up cuz she’s so wittle!

Anne Hathaway wins most beautiful. You simply can’t deny it. And her dress was killer. And yes, I wanted to pull my eyes out and scratch at my neck during her gasping-for-air-I’m-so-overwhelmed-I’ve-never-heard-of-cake-before speech*. I almost cried during the Les Mis song, it was just beautiful, and the horribly snubbed Sara Barker had on the best dress of the night.

Jennifer Lawrence—love her! So glad she won. It’s been eons since there’s been a really great, genuinely talented and funny young actress—I know, there are a lot of great actresses out there, but they’re all at least in their 30’s. Every time I watch When Harry Met Sally, I ask myself what 20-something actress could pull that off nowadays, and until Jennifer L showed up, I kept coming up empty. Maybe Anne Hathaway, but that annoying factor…Jen L is the full package.

Charlize Theron looked a lot like Brigitte Neilson from back in the 80’s. She’s super beautiful, but she looked  like she was about to wrestle an alligator.

Melissa McCarthy…look, I feel terrible about what that jerky old jerkstore reject Rex Reed said about you, but you looked like Mrs. Poole. Jessica Chastain rocked pretty much the same look as last year, and Jennifer Aniston…no. The dress, yes, the hair, seriously, stop it. You are wearing a ball gown, not going to the beach. Change it up, Goldie Hawn. Someone wore a gray dress. I can’t remember who it was, because they wore a gray dress. To the Oscars. Nothing came close to Gwyneth P’s white Tom Ford from last year.

OK, I need to go eat lunch, so I’ll leave you with this final thought: everyone is harping on how Seth Mc was offensive and horrible; well, think about this before you bathe in any more outrage: The most offensive thing I saw all night was the guy who won the Oscar for special effects, getting cut off by Jaws music halfway through his speech…where he was tearfully explaining how his entire firm went bankrupt and everyone lost their jobs. Huh? What about that, offense-takers? We Saw Your Boobs, indeed.

* Jim Gaffigan