Starting Five

1. Ron-D’oh!

     Boston Celtic point guard Rajon Rondo, who was leading the league in assists and was voted as a starter in next month’s All-Star Game, will miss the remainder of the season with a torn ACL. Items:

      A. That’s the second year in a row that the Eastern Conference All-Star starter at point guard suffers a season-ending ACL tear (2012, Derrick Rose, Chicago Bulls).

      B. Pretty crummy month to be a sports fan in Boston, eh?

     C. Rondo’s replacement will likely be Kyrie Irving. The second-year player for the Cleveland Cavs, who is still not old enough to legally imbibe spirits, has averaged 35.6 points per in his last three outings, all Cav wins.

      D. Where do the Celtics send Kevin Garnett and/or Paul Pierce? I like the latter to the Lakers (he’s an L.A. native) and the former to the Knicks, since he and ‘Melo have some conversing to do.

2. Okay, honestly, if someone was unfrozen after a 20-year spell and you asked him, “Which of these is a golf course and which is a golfer — Tiger Woods and Torrey Pines?”  wouldn’t the correct answer occur about 50% of the time? Woods is on the cusp of winning his 8th event at Torrey Pines later today, as Sunday’s final round was suspended by darkness, as opposed to being suspended by The Darkness which, let’s face it, would be rockin’… (“Touchin’ you-ooo-ooo, touchin’ meeee-eeee-eee!”).

Don’t you foresee a huge year ahead, a year of redemption and rebirth, for Woods? I  have him winning two majors (at least!), remarrying Elin and starting a family band (and none of us are invited!). But here’s the thing, and how delicious would this be…. Tiger and Elin remarry after Tiger puts his pawprint on that $350 million fidelity prenup Elin is reportedly waving in his face.

Then, as soon as they walk back down the aisle after the vows, someone hands Elin an Entenmann’s Marshmallow Iced Devil’s Food Cake –and a fork– and she commences chowing down. And chowing down. She takes it to new levels of gluttony, leaving that  obese diner in the restaurant in Monty Python’s “The Meaning of Life” (“I couldn’t eat another bite…”) in her wake.

Elin becomes….wait for it…. The Biggest Gainer.  And Tiger will just have to sit there and take it because it’ll cost him $350 VERY LARGE should he go chasing companionship elsewhere. I already have the title for this film when it is eventually released: Silver Linings Payback. Admittedly, because one of the two main characters is a Tiger, I did strongly consider the title Life of Pie.

3. When Billionaires Attack

      Billionaire hedge fund managers Carl Icahn and Bill Ackman engaged in a world-class pissing match during CNBC’s “Halftime” show on Friday. It began one day earlier when Icahn appeared on Bloomberg and ripped Ackman for shorting Herbalife. On Friday Ackman appeared on Halftime (via phone) with Scott Wapner (Rainman’s favorite TV business reporter) and called Icahn a hypocrite, saying that he himself has shorted positions in the past.

That’s when the real fun began. Icahn phoned in to CNBC and called Ackman a “crybaby” and a “loser” and basically, as the kids say, “lost his #$*&.” Every monitor on every Wall Street trading desk — not to mention at every hedge fund — quickly turned up the volume. Listen in to Ackman Icahn Overdrive.

It’s like Phyllis Walters says: “All the money in the world cannot buy you class.” Okay, Phyllis Walters does not actually say that, but she does say, “They think WHO they are”, which is pretty much the same thing.

4. At the SAG Awards, Maggie Smith fails to win in two categories — but as a 78 year-old actress, she has her own SAG issues. Argo takes home “Best Cast in a Motion Picture”, which is wonderfully ironic since Argo is a film in which many of the characters are portraying cast members in a film that is a hoax. It’s kind of the Lennay Kekua of films.

Dick Van Dyke was given a Lifetime Achievement Award but, disappointingly, his speech was coherent and he failed to declare that he was single.

 

5. FLORI-DUH: It’s a story in which the headline itself contains the words “Naked” “Poop” and “Masturbate.” Just when you think you’ve read the most Flori-duh story ever, a new one comes along to top it. Thank you, Sunshine State!

Reserves

Richard Roeper of the Chicago Sun Times wants to save you$12, and his review of Movie 43 may just do that. Our favorite line: “…whenever a Gerard Butler or a Johnny Knoxville or a Jason Sudeikis or an Uma Thurman became available and/or were blackmailed, (producer Peter) Farrelly would bring in a director, and they’d shoot a scene. Unfortunately, the shooting was never fatal.”

This is easily the worst-looking half-court shot for dough we have ever seen that actually went in. The man who made the shot, Michael Drysch, won $75,000 (before taxes will knock that sum down to $50-something thousand). We love that LeBron James tackles him after he connects, but we wonder if LeBron tackles Kwame Brown after every shot he makes…. see, cuz

Today’s newphemism: Cemetery equals Eternity Ward.

A week or so ago we told you about Northern Illinois’ men’s hoops team, which scored just five points in the first half versus Dayton last month. Last Saturday? The Huskies bottomed that with a four-point first half versus Eastern Michigan. NIU shot just 1 of 33 from beyond the arc, which begs the question, at what point do they realize they might want to stop chucking up three-pointers?

Let history note that it was Daveon Balls who made NIU’s lone three, with 2:05 remaining. It was the Huskies’ 33rd and final three attempt on the day (quit when you’re behind). Let history also note that LeBron did not tackle him afterward.

Grapevine, Texas: “Teen’s Birthday Party Ends in Murder-Suicide” . True. This was also the working plot for “Sixteen Candles” until a last-minute rewrite (not true).

Baylor’s six-foot-eight Brittney Griner establishes a new NCAA record, men or women, for career blocked shots with 665. As impressive as that figure is, Darren Rovell has blocked far more people on Twitter.

Our first crush, Olivia Newton-John, opens a Wellness Center in Scottsdale, Ariz. We’ll send $5 to the first person who walks in and tells the desk attendant, “I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying!”

You know who is a fantastic interviewer? Cat Greenleaf of Talk Stoop. She asks sharp, curious questions. You know what Cat does that so many attractive female interviewers do not? She L-I-S-T-E-N-S. Here she is with Michael Imperioli from The Sopranos.

On his wonderful blog Roger Ebert posted these candid and revealing outtakes from his Siskel & Ebert days. You get to see Roger at his most brilliant, arrogant and pedantic, while Gene reminds us so much of our good friend and former SI colleague Marty Burns (also a Chicago guy) that it’s uncomfortable. When Siskel calls Ebert an “asshole”, I hear “jag-off.”