Starting Five

 

 

 

 

 

1. Lauren Graham, whom reliable sources have described to us as “a whack-job in real life” (to be fair, those same sources have described yours truly similarly), guest stars on “Go On” tonight as Matthew Perry’s old flame. You may remember that the pair also had a brief dalliance in Perry’s last  next-to-last TV series, “Studio 60.” And you may remember that not once but twice they were a real-life couple. Kids, we know that only Fools Rush In, but will you two just accept that you love each other and give Rory Gilmore the stable home life she so covets?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2. Notre Dame’s helmet makes the cover of this week’s Sports Illustrated one week after Collin Klein makes the cover of SI as the “best player on the nation’s best team.” The No. 1 ranked Irish have now appeared on the magazine cover twice this autumn, or more times than any person or entity has since former SI senior writer Rick Reilly deemed them “irrelevant” back in August (oddly enough, this column appeared on August 16, which is the birthday of both SI and this site). If you’re curious about the SI cover jinx and how it may figure into Saturday night’s contest at USC, the Irish appeared on the cover of SI twice during the quote-unquote “regular season” (no such thing) in 1988, the last year in which they went undefeated and won the national championship. Notre Dame also appeared on the cover in 1993 after toppling No. 1 Florida State, only to lose at home the following week at home to Boston College. Senior writer Tim Layden quotes former Domer and rookie Minnesota Viking safety Harrison Smith, who says, “Notre Dame is not some golden perfect place; it’s a place that tries to do the right thing.” Hallelujah, Harrison.

 

3. Pete Townshend of The Who appeared on “The Late Show” last night and informed host David Letterman that he actually pilfered his famous windmill move from Keith Richards of The Rolling Stones. He first saw it when The Who opened for the Stones when both bands were virtual nobodies. If you saw that show, we bow down to you. Townshend was very engaging during the entire interview. It’s well worth your time if you enjoy your rock gods.

4. California fires the highest-paid employee of the state, a.k.a. football coach Jeff Tedford. The most successful coach in Golden Bear history, Tedford compiled an 82-57 record but over the past six of his 11 seasons was only 39-37. It was time for a change in Berkeley.

5. San Francisco 49er tight end Vernon Davis loves him some backup quarterback Colin Kaepernick, spewing, “Colin is THE MAN!” after the Niners humbled the Chicago Bears, 32-7, on Monday Night Football. We tend to agree, as Kaepernick has vastly improved and bulked up as well since his prolific days running — and we do mean “running” — the offense at Nevada. Two items on Kaepernick: 1. Only FBS QB to ever throw for more than 10,000 yards and rush for over 4,000 yards. 2) We got this off Wikipedia, so take that FWIW, but apparently CK was interning at a sports apparel shop in Reno while in college and a woman entered the store looking for his jersey. She did not recognize him. He found the jersey (“I’m pretty sure it’s No. 10”) and rang up the purchase without ever telling her who he was.

 

Reserves

The gents at Key & Peele deliver a Chappelle’s Show-caliber bit on college football players’ names. We don’t remember D’Squarius Green, Jr., attending Notre Dame, but we do remember Hiawatha Francisco doing so and who’s to say which name is more incredible? Two things: hang around for the kicker, it’s worth it. Also, this is how you do comedy. Notice how the broadcasters play it straight.

Our man Stewart Mandel at SI.com offers some sage advice to B1G commish Jim Delany while also daring to disagree with colleague Andy Staples. My take: it takes cynical people to live in a cynical world. I’d rather not contribute to that paradigm. The idea of “expanding the Big Ten footprint” completely neglects the converse of the diminishing value of the brand. Who’s next? McGill University? The London School of Economics? College football’s value lies in part in its colloquialism and its sense of tradition. Jim Delany is no better than the Timothy Busfield character in “Field of Dreams” who is attempting to persuade Ray, his brother-in-law, to sell the farm.

UCLA’s Shabazz Muhammad, arguably the most coveted prep ‘baller in the nation last year out of Las Vegas, makes his college debut –perhaps fittingly–in an NBA arena. Shabazz had 15 points on five of 10 shooting as the Bruins fell to Georgetown at the Barclays Center in Brooklyn. Shabazz’s coach, Ben Howland, is now the highest-paid state employee in California (thanks to Bryan Fischer for that) (also, we should note that @DGDestroys offers that Shabazz Muhammad is now the state’s highest-paid employee).

Proposed Notre Dame T-shirt: “125 Seasons, Zero Exit Fees.” (and yes, we know of the buyouts to Willingham and Weis).

Baltimore Raven safety and future NFL Hall of Famer Ed Reed suspended one game, and hence fined one game check ($423,529), for too many hits to the head. This morning on ESPN’s “SportsCenter” Sage Steele, Karl Ravech and whichever one is the balder, retired Hasselbeck had an interesting little round table on this. Hasselbeck argued that you cannot eliminate hits to the head from football and that if you were to ask players, they’d rather be hit above the waist then below (i.e., career-threatening knee injuries).

So here are your five facts:

1. NFL players are bigger, stronger, faster and more aggressive than at any point in league history.

2. NFL players’ craniums are basically the same as they were 50 years ago.

3. High-impact head collisions, particularly repeated ones, will cause some level of permanent brain damage and could lead to dementia and depression.

4. High-impact collisions, some of which will occur to the head and neck regions, are inevitable in football.

5. Eliminating helmets and shoulder pads, essentially making football more like rugby, will cause a dramatic decline in viewership.

You may want to challenge Fact 3, but you probably don’t believe in climate change, either. If we were playing the NFL in chess and these were our five moves, it would likely be checkmate.