Starting Five

1. Pariah: The UCI (which does not stand for “University of California, Irvine” but rather Union Cycliste Internationale) has agreed to strip Lance Armstrong of his seven Tour de France titles and to ban him from cycling for life. This is not the same as “demonizing” him.

2. Which Blair Project? Paranormal Activity 4, which is not the story of a man paralyzed by polio who hires a sex surrogate to strip him of his virginity, tops the box office in its opening weekend.

The opposite of planking

3. Game Seven: The St. Louis Cardinals and the San Francisco Giants meet tonight at AT&T Park to determine who will represent the National League in the World Series. This will be the sixth elimination game El Gigantos have played this month. Kyle Lohse (16-3, 2.86 ERA) faces Matt Cain of the Giants (16-5, 2.79 ERA, one perfect game). 

4. Pats top Jets in OT. The New York tabloids were all set to run their “Folk Hero” headlines after kicker Nick Folk struck two late-game 47-yard field goals for the J-E-T-S, but New England survived to win 29-26 in overtime.

 5. Timberrrr: Oregon falls. In a week in which the Ducks went up 43-7 in the game’s first 20 minutes, against a 5-1 opponent on the road, they still managed to drop one spot, from 3rd to 4th, in the BCS standings. It won’t matter, though, as the season continues. Especially not if neighbor Oregon State, which is 6-0 for the first time since Theodore Roosevelt was president, remains undefeated. 

Reserves

Oklahoma State quarterback J.W. Walsh is out for the season with a knee injury. We always have been huge fans of his work, especially in “A Few Good Men” and “Sling Blade.”

Katy Perry teams up with an autistic child, Jody DiPiazza, to perform “Firework” on the “Night of Too Many Stars” telethon from the Beacon Theater in my neighborhood New York City.

The live audience was treated to an encore performance of Aldous Snow’s “Inside of You”

The NFL had a nice PSA yesterday about what they are doing to promote player safety. The ad starred Tom Brady and a mother expressing concern about the welfare of her son, who loves playing football. In the closing reveal, we learn that the son is Baltimore Raven linebacker Ray Lewis… who last Sunday suffered a season-ending torn triceps injury. LULZ. 

In case you missed it, Saturday Night Live’s cold open, with a cameo appearance by that incorrigible F-bomber, Tom Hanks (or, as we like to refer to him, T.Hanks). 

Unfortunately, if you Google “Ohio and flatulence and teen dead”, you will come up with a plethora of hits. Ohio, it’s the Rust Belt Florida. 

A real-life Baywatch moment, as 284 wannabe lifeguards complete a 1,000-meter ocean swim just to pass the first of four stages of the Los Angeles County lifeguard test. Of those 284, only 120 moved on to Stage 2 (in-person interviews), although three of them are swimmers at Pepperdine University. 

The most pivotal game of the 2012 college football season? It may be the one that was canceled two years ago. No. 3 Kansas State was scheduled to meet No. 4 Oregon (BCS standings) last month, but Wildcat coach Bill Snyder called off the series in 2010. We don’t need a playoff. What we do need is 8-game conference schedules, max, and a mandate that FBS schools never 1) play FCS schools and 2) renege on scheduled contests. 

Speaking of ocean swims from last weekend that we were remiss in noting, the Ironman World Championships from Kona, Hawaii, were staged on October 13. Pete Jacobs of Australia won the men’s division (8:18:37)  while Leanda Cave of Great Britain (9:15:54) was the first female to finish the 2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike and 26.2 mile run. Unofficially, an ironman is No. 2 behind skydiving as the most popular “bucket list” item.

 And speaking of triathlons, you do realize that Lance Armstrong had already won two lesser-distance Ironmans in his nascent pro triathlon career? We may  be off here, but we think being banned from competing in such events in the future weighs more heavily on Mr. Livestrong than being stripped of his titles. After all, no one can erase the memories — but they can take away his future goals. 

The Indiana Fever won the WNBA title.

We admit, we were completely wrong on Vontaze Burfict. Then again, so were all 32 NFL teams that did not draft him. The former Sun Devil linebacker made plenty of plays for the Cincinnati Bengals in last night’s 24-17 loss to the Pittsburgh Steelers. Our favorite moment, though, was when Cris Collinsworth quipped, “Burfict was undrafted out of Arizona State, just like you, Al.” Michaels, by the way, noted that in his day there was a different draft (Vietman) to be concerned about. We are wondering how come Al Michaels wasn’t drafted. 

We may be wrong, here, but we believe the last time Notre Dame met Oklahoma in Norman was 1966, a year in which a coach in his third season in South Bend led the Irish to a national championship (pipe down, Sparty). The Irish beat the Sooners 38-0 that day. Of course, the far better-known battle betweent these two in Norman took place nine years earlier, when an unheralded Irish squad ended the nation’s longest win streak, 47 games, with a 7-0 victory. We’d be surprised if the Irish won this Saturday and shocked, despite their having the nation’s No. 2 scoring defense, if they were to hold the Sooners scoreless. In fact, we guarantee that won’t happen.