Monthly Archives: February 2021

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | Leave a comment

by John Walters

From Incitement To Indictment

The House managers have in just two days built an unimpeachable impeachment case against former president Donald Trump. Will it matter? I’d rather not be a Negative Nellie before the votes are cast, but more important than truth or justice—ya know, doing their jobs—to almost all Republican Senators is remaining in office.

And Donald Trump has crafted a party, as Charles Blow eloquently argues here, where to cross him is to most likely lose your job. I guess if I were a Republican senator I’d wonder why I belonged to a party that needed to appeal to these types of people to remain in office. But that’s another topic for another day.

Afterbirth Of A Nation

And the Oscar for “Best Original Short” goes to… the producers of this 13-minute video that makes the question of whether Donald Trump incited a murderous and treasonous mob undeniable. Of course, all of this is very much like the prison film The Longest Yard. Try as hard as you might like, Bobby Boucher, the zebras will not let the guards lose.

Then again, the Mean Machine did win ultimately, no?

Born To Rum*

*The judges will also accept “41 Shots”

Bruce Springsteen’s Jeep ad, which did seem to unite the nation in that both fans and non-fans panned it, has already been pulled by Jeep. How come? Because the Boss received a DUI.

WUT? Seems that Bruce was beset upon by some fans who asked him to do a tequila shot with them. It turns out the day was November 14th—a Saturday—and Bruce was at the Gateway National Recreation Area, or what we natives know as Sandy Hook. A beach.

Anyway, Bruce blew a .02, which is under the legal limit, but it happened at a national park, which makes it a federal case. As we discussed this with one of our oldest friends this morning and the most devout Bruce fan we know, Randall!, the two of us tried to wrap our minds around Bruce Springsteen being cited by police on the Jersey shore.

Me (as Bruce): “Do you know who I am?”
Randall! (as cop): “No, but my dad does.”

Smart Creatures

Love this from the planet’s largest land mammal. How could anyone ever harm an elephant? There’s a special place in hell for anyone who would.

Not Betting On Benintendi

The Boston Red Sox traded left fielder Jason Benintendi to the Kansas City Royals, which a few years ago would’ve seemed like trading the Green Monster itself. During the Sawx’ most recent World Series run, in 2018, Benintendi was one of the team’s stalwarts along with opposite-corner outfielder Mookie Betts—now with the Dodgers. It was Benintendi who made the ALCS-ending grab (above) in the wildly entertaining series between two cheating baseball clubs (!).

A year before that, Benintendi finished as runner-up as Rookie of the Year (behind Aaron Judge).

He appeared to be a latter-day Fred Lynn in Boston.

But last year, in limited work (14 games) due to injury, he batted just .103. Benintendi is only 26, but the Sawx have already given up on him. And Jackie Bradley is a free agent. The Sox are getting younger. But is this the right move? We’ll see.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 4 Comments

by John Walters

This Is Not Yesterday’s Worst Lawyer

Wondering how long until someone overdubs Diana Ross’ “I’m Coming Up” with “I’m not a cat.” And wouldn’t most legal proceedings be improved if attorneys used dog and cat filters? The judge could be, I dunno, an owl?

This Is

This is Trump defense attorney Bruce Castor, who did not do his homework and now has been called to the front of the class to give his 5-minute book report on The Swiss Family Robinson. It will not go well.

As trenchant as the arguments against Donald Trump were by House managers Jamie Raskin and Joe Neguse, no one proved more effective in arguing against Trump than his own attorney, Castor. When he wasn’t tap dancing around the topic at hand, he said, he actually said, “The American people just spoke, and they just changed administrations. The people are smart enough…to pick a new administration if they don’t like the old one.”

Whose side are you on, anyway?

That was really the only time Castor sounded as if he believed what he was saying.

As CNN’s Chris Cuomo neatly summed up, the prosecutors have the facts and the law on their side. Not to mention the film production crew. What Trump has on his side is a jury rigged in his favor, rigged out of fear that if they cross him, they will not be reelected. It’s a mob trial. Except here it’s not, If you testify, you’ll sleep with the fishes. It’s, If you vote to convict, you’ll lose your Senate seat.

So who has the temerity to stand up to Trump? As of now, only six Republican Senators have even voted that the trial should proceed. Like Louisiana’s Bill Cassidy, who after this video ended was asked, “Why did you think he did a terrible job?” His reply: “Did you hear him?”

Nuke Duke

Ryan’s hopes were fulfilled

Few ACC teams have had a more disappointing season than Notre Dame (which blew a 15-point first-half lead at Georgia Tech over the weekend), but everyone’s schadenfreude fave, Duke, is. The Blue Devils themselves blew a 15-point lead yesterday afternoon (a 4:30 p.m. tip on a Tuesday?) at home to the Irish, losing 93-89. Yes, the Blue Devils scored 50 first-half points but still lost.

But here’s what’s interesting. Vegas knows fans still think highly of Duke (7-8). A friend of mine whom I’d call a degenerate gambler except that he’s very successful (like, would I call Susie B. a degenerate investor?) tells me that Duke is 3-12 against the spread this season. That’s an invitation to get money.

The Irish, by the way, were led yesterday by a most on-brand named player, Cormac Ryan, who scored 28 points. Ryan is a transfer from Stanford, one of the few (the only?) Power 5 schools rated higher academically than both Duke and Notre Dame.

Hippos And Narcos

Thanks to the most nefarious drug lord, Pablo Escobar, ever to snort a line off a stripper’s belly, hippopotamuses are now indigenous to South America. Decades ago Escobar brought four hippos over to his native Colombia—how do you transport hippos across the Atlantic?— and those four have turned into some 80 roaming the banks and byways of the Rio Magdalena.

We’re all for animal expansion, particularly beasts as magnificent as hippos. Stay tuned for the hippo vs. anaconda matchup on the next Planet Earth installment.

Maverick Maneuver

Deep in the heart of Texas, Dallas Maverick owner Mark Cuban has decreed that his franchise will no longer play the national anthem before games. That’s one way to stifle a polarizing issue, but of course, it’s Texas, so you have to think he’ll receive plenty of blowback. Then again, Cuban has never really seemed like a Texas guy, anyway.

Will the Mavs play the Cuban national anthem instead? Or how about “The Eyes of Texas,” just to upset Bomani Jones? We’ll see.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 1 Comment

by John Walters

Paige Turner

They’ve been waiting for Paige Bueckers’ arrival in Storrs, Conn., for nearly four years. Last night showed why.

Bueckers has been a highly coveted recruit for Geno Auriemma since her 8th grade year in Minnetonka, Minn. The Huskies, meanwhile, have not won a national championship since 2016, equaling their longest drought (2005-2008) since they began cutting down nets in 1995.

This was BEFORE her three 30-point efforts. She’s now averaging 21.8 ppg and leads the Huskies in minutes as well

On Monday night No. 2 UConn hosted No. 1 South Carolina and Bueckers drained a game-high 31 points, the last three in overtime, above. Bueckers now has back-to-back-to-back 30-point games for the Huskies, the first Connecticut freshman ever to do so.

And she did so last night off that bucket in overtime.

Portnoy’s Complaint

I thought this was fascinating, coming as it does from someone who, credit to him, launched his own media empire and is worth tens of millions of dollars, if not more. There’s something lovely about him still being such a fan and at the same time something incredibly naive.

Here, Kitty Kitty

This is cool and you’ll love it. If you’re patient.

You may have noticed that I post more fun tweets lately and go on fewer dystopian rants than I used to. Part of that is the Lloyd Braun (“Serenity now!”) in me emerging, part is the relief that we’re (mostly) done with Trump, part is that I’m just plain very busy. Doing what, exactly, I cannot say, but I feel very busy.

Musk-Have Currency: Bitcoin

So last week we took down our position in Riot Blockchain (RIOT) by 80% and were planning to go back in somewhat, a little toe dip, on Monday morning. Then Elon Musk blows our cover with a pre-opening bell report that he’d invested $1.5 BILLION in Bitcoin.

So while, yes, we profited, we had to chase the tail of the dragon to catch up. As soon as Musk announced that monstrous Bitcoin investment, plus the intention to begin accepting Bitcoin as payment for Tesla vehicles, the value of Bitcoin roared more than 10% upward. Our little side play, RIOT, jumped by 40% on Monday.

So what’s next? Not sure, but the passing of the stimulus package suggests that more of those ungrateful millennials will not only be spending their unemployment cash but also their stimulus dough on investments, and GameStop is literally so last week. So might they not piggyback on Elon’s strategy? Stay tuned.

Two weeks ago you could’ve bought RIOT for below $18. This morning it opens at $36.

Yes, It’s The Hollies, Frankie Avalon and Giant NFL Cut-outs

I mean, yes, I was around in the 1960s, but I don’t remember any of it. I expect my days in the 2060s, should I be so lucky, will be much the same.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | Leave a comment

by John Walters

The Bucs Top Here*

*The judges will also accept “Tompa Bay,” “TAMPA BrAdY,” and “Star Bucs”

Points to ponder and gape at:

–Tom Brady has now won more Super Bowls (7) than any individual NFL franchise.

–The Buccaneer defense went through three future Hall of Fame quarterbacks—Drew Brees, Aaron Rodgers and Pat Mahomes—two of them on the road, to win the NFL championship.

Gronk had two touchdown catches in the easy win

–According to Tony Romo of CBS, Tom Brady is the winningest athlete in the history of the four major pro sports here in North America and the Tampa Bay Bucs were the losingest team in the history of the four major pro sports. Quite a stat if true. As Chris Berman put it after last night’s 31-9 Buc defeat in their home stadium, “The team that invented losing.”

–This was not even one of Tom Brady’s four most intriguing Super Bowl victories (the first, versus the Rams; the miraculous comeback against the Falcons; the win against the Seahawks; and the close call against Carolina). Of course, no other QB has more than four SB wins. The remarkable aspect? Brady did not win a Super Bowl in his supposed prime, ages 28-36.

Tom Brady is a Dorian Gray-ish 43. Rob Gronkowski is only 31. What’s to prevent them from pulling off the ultimate power move and joining the New York Jets next season?

I’m Sorry, What?

A gambler who wins 56% of the time is a very happy person.

Bra Bra Land

Hooray for Hollyboob!

Last week Julia Rose, 27, and five friends were arrested after briefly altering the iconic “Hollywood” sign. There’s not much more to the story than you’ll read here, but we do believe the writer missed an opportunity to point out that “what’s another boob job in Hollywood?”

From My Pillow To My Zillow

One week SNL is hitting at the easiest punch line, Mike Lindell. The next it’s taking on a less obvious target and with funnier results.

By the way, host Dan Levy (former SCTV cast member Eugene’s son) was terrific and I’ve never even seen Schitt’s Creek.

Deadly Ski Weekend

In Millcreek Canyon, Utah, just 15 minutes from Salt Lake City, four skiers in their 20s were killed after being caught in a massive avalanche on Saturday. Four others who were with them survived and even dug the others out, but it was too late. The area they were skiing in is not affiliated with any ski resort.

It’s Utah’s third fatal avalanche incident this ski season, bringing the total dead to six. In Colorado one weekend earlier, three skiers died in an avalanche near Silverton.

Back-county skiing is serious stuff.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | Leave a comment

by John Walters

Defense Calls Kyrie Irving

This is the opening pleading of the $2.7 BILLION lawsuit that Smartmatic has filed against Rudy Giuliani, Sidney Powell, Fox News, and Fox hosts Lou Dobbs, Maria Bartiromo and Jeanine Pirro. I’m not sure why they won’t or can’t name a certain former U.S. president. I am sure that those named will whine that their free speech is being impinged upon. It’s clearly not. Say what you want. But your speech, if knowingly false and harmful, has consequences.

Related, here’s Maryland congressman Jamie Raskin (D) making a succinct argument (which we made here last week, perhaps not as eloquently or succinctly) as to why the Republican “let’s just move on” argument is either disingenuous or bone-headed (or both):

And here’s the latest in the ugliness that is Marjorie Taylor Greene:

Lou Bega Has Not Released Any Mambos*

*We stole this from a tweeter, @AKHockeyBear

https://twitter.com/PennStateFball/status/1357518557601361920?s=20

If the Nittany Lion football program was looking for attention this morning, mission accomplished. There’s no such thing as bad publicity, no?

Fox News, not to be outdone, is chiding the 46th president for flying on a private jet from D.C. to Delaware (where it never blasted the 45th for flying from D.C. to south Florida almost every weekend of the past year).

5,078

The odd thing to us is not that the U.S. yesterday posted the highest number of deaths related to COVID-19 in one day, eclipsing the 5,000-mark for the first time. The odd thing is that this news was nowhere to be seen on the front page of The New York Times or on CNN’s home page. Have we reached herd apathy on the severity and deadliness of this virus?

Pooches Are The Best

Your lost kid would not be that excited to see you. Your missing-for-three-days-in-the-jungle girlfriend would not be that excited to see you. Patty Hearst would definitely not be that excited to see you. But doggies? Woof woof!

Blank Lives Matter

I’m not involved enough in the current happenings of online advertising to expand upon what the Toronto Star is saying here, but essentially, believe them. In my final days at Newsweek, I was pulled into an hour-long meeting that was about nothing more than learning to write an SEO-friendly headline so that it would appear higher up on the Google search page. As our speaker (think of a female version of the Jimmy Fallon character from Almost Famous: “I didn’t create the rain, I just have the best umbrellas”), “Google controls the world.”