Monthly Archives: October 2018

CHRIS PICKS! WEEK SIX!

by John Walters | Leave a comment

by Chris Corbellini

Week 6 Picks: Put this in the team suggestion box …

It may not happen this week, it may not happen this season, it may not happen ever, but at some point, shouldn’t an NFL defensive coordinator try a 4-3 defense without the “3” part of the alignment … and just field all defensive backs?

That thought no doubt ticked off all of the linebackers out there. Current of former, you know who you are. Nobody makes plays like you. That is the nature of the linebacker position: To inflict pain. To dislodge things. To make the prom queen cry. To set the tempo to 11 and hit through ballcarriers as if they were looking past them to a point in the distance. Linebackers don’t just do the dirty work, they are the dirty. If someone suggested an all-safety or all-corner alignment to Dick Butkus, that someone would’ve been thrown through a window and then paid the team fine on Dick’s behalf.  If someone had ever suggested it to Ray Lewis, Ray may have called for a team exorcism to rid that man of his demons.

Much respect to the Backers. To the Sams. To the Mikes. To the Wills. OK? I want to put that out there.

So, why am I suggesting changing what’s always been? Why wake all the grizzly bears?

Well, the thought of a no-linebacker defense on every down occurred to me as rookie running back Saquon Barkley single-handedly tore up the defending Super Bowl champion Eagles on Thursday night. It was if the Giants and Barkley were in two different games: The rest of the G-Men belly-flopped into a shallow kiddie pool of mediocrity and lost their game, while Barkley won every battle and one-on-one challenge the Eagles threw at him in another. In open space, no Eagles linebacker stood a chance.

So why not cover the open spaces with a guy just as fast as Barkley? Why not choose closing speed and ball-hawking skills, above all?

Yes, Todd Gurley won the Rams-Seahawks game last week between the tackles (with 3 TDs), but that is a rarity for him. Gurley’s version of a handoff is often a dump-off. So is Alvin Kamara’s. So is James White’s. Christian McCaffrey, too. Perhaps talents like Marshall Faulk and Roger Craig, both boasting 1,000-1,000 seasons, were just ahead of their time. Every dump-off I see now I think it: runner-receivers, or more precisely receiver-runners, are the new NFL.

Barkley, Kamara, White, and McCaffrey are all in the top 30 in receptions this season. Barkley, Kamara, Gurley, Zeke Elliott, Melvin Gordon, James Conner, and McCaffrey are in the top 15 of all-purpose yardage, too. I envision more running backs joining them in both categories by season’s end. So, why not field your top two pass rushers at the ends, two 330-pound lane cloggers at the tackles, and then get creative at LB, putting fearless defensive backs like Tyrann Mathieu and Earl Thomas in those spots, and fielding the usual starters at corner and safety. All the men who can’t be out-run in open space.

If you have that type of talent, why not build around it?

Now, you certainly can’t pull off such an alignment for an entire season. I’m not suggesting the zone blitz here. Just last week, for example, the Atlanta Falcons and their quick/slender linebackers were bullied by rhino James Conner and the Steelers. But an All-DB 4-3 defense could fluster a team that relies on a receiver-runner. Why not give it a shot for a series. See if it sticks.

It’ll be cool when Belichick tries it someday, in an AFC divisional game or something.

Onto the picks. Home team in caps, with William Hill odds (as of Friday afternoon)

TEXANS (-10) over Bills

DeAndre Hopkins’ long catch in OT last week will stay with these Texans for months to come. The offense now has the confidence that comes with beating a desperate opponent, on the road, and that defense is officially in hunting mode. At 2-3, they are not out of this. So, hey, you know, good to see you, Buffalo. Be sure to visit the gift shop at GB International and get yourself something nice on the flight back to rebuilding town.

I’m playing “House of the Rising Sun” as I type this, and set to such a doomsday tune, it’s easy for me to envision Houston’s D putting one QB after another in a hurt freezer the rest of the year. In montage format, naturally. Just one Watt/Clowney sack after the next, all Scorsese-like (Related: I used to edit football highlights to music for a living, and I still think this way, though I am no Scorsese). The Texans D have not played to their potential yet, and can’t cover tight ends, but … the hurt is coming. This week.

Bears (-3.5) over DOLPHINS
I’m still a little awestruck by the game film of Chicago’s 48-10 hammering of Tampa Bay in Week 4. Even if the line had been -6.5, I would have considered it. Maybe Vegas just accounted for the South Beach Flu … an affliction that can be wildly contagious amongst pro athletes.

Clubs or no, the Bears defense leads the league in sacks per game (ooh, analytics!), and just enjoyed a fun little bye week, likely spending that free time high-fiving each other for landing Khalil Mack. Meanwhile, the Dolphins o-line is a hot mess. Starting left guard Josh Sitton and center Daniel Kilgore are out for the year, and offensive tackle Laremy Tunsil (concussion) is not a certainty to play on Sunday.

While watching the film I really liked the way this Bears D was ready to pounce, pre-snap. They looked hungry. I’d then stay on Mack when the ball actually was snapped, only to marvel at someone else making a killer play against the Bucs. OK, OK, I see you, Chicago.

PACKERS (-9.5) over 49ers
The Packers are an especially-f-cking-weird 2-2-1, and yeah, they want to not look that weird anymore. They want the coaching staff to not be second-guessed on every series, and to not have fans and experts believe they are an Aaron Rodgers solo act.

A resounding win at Lambeau on Monday Night Football could do it.

I want to see what Mike Pettine’s defense has in store for the 49ers this week. Behind the scenes he’s your classic defensive wise-ass, needling star offensive players whenever he can and pushing buttons across the organization whenever he can, even amongst his coaches (OK, especially amongst his coaches). Playing lighter and fiercer is a tricky thing to pull off, but I’ve seen Pettine do it with the New York Jets.  So, what will Pettine ask of his defense this week against a short-handed Niners offense? Will he ask for a Pick-6 of C.J. Beathard? A shutout? Will he throw some money behind those asks? It’s certainly in play. The entire franchise wants to look decisive in front of all of those stock-holders.

Steelers (+2) over BENGALS
I wanted to go Falcons here (-3 vs. Bucs), but that match-up is far more intriguing for fantasy purposes. No, I’m trying to get Big Ben’s turnovers on the road out of my head (Cleveland in Week 1 springs to mind), and focus on the positives in life … like Conner gnashing between the tackles, and Antonio Brown’s 47-yard touchdown catch in the fourth quarter last week.

This one could be a 10-7 final, with the announcers playing along with that “Who would have guessed this with all these playmakers!” explanation point at the finish — a result that’ll make you shake your head when they see each other again in the playoffs, because it’ll be a pick-‘em, with one play ultimately deciding it either way. My gut tells me Conner will be that difference-maker in Cinci this time, but just barely. According to Pro Football Focus, the Bengals rank 26th against running backs in the pass game.

Hmmm. Maybe Cincinnati should try fielding an DB-heavy 4-3 alignment …

Last week: 1-3

Season: 5-12

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 4 Comments

by John Walters

Tweet Me Right

Starting Five

1. The Kanye West Wing

You’re telling us that’s the same dude who once quipped on national television, “George Bush doesn’t care about black people?” Now he’s hugging it out in the Oval Office with Donald Trump, dropping mother*cker bombs on camera, and mansplaining why he voted the way he did in 2016?

Quoth Kanye: “I love Hillary. I love everyone, right? But the campaign ‘I’m with her’ just didn’t make me feel, as a guy that didn’t get to see my dad all the time, like a guy that could play catch with his son. There was something about putting this hat on that made me feel like Superman.”

Narrator: Superman doesn’t wear a hat. Also, he’s an undocumented immigrant who would never be allowed to play the French Open in that outfit.

Anyway, it was surreal and utterly inappropriate would be funny if not so tragic and as we’ve been saying since the beginning, Another Day of Trump.

By the way, while this charade was playing out in the Oval Office, the Senate was ramming 15 more male Trump-appointed judges down our throats and the Dems were complicit because in return the GOP said if they did so everyone could return to their districts three weeks early. You get your money for nothing/And your chicks for free...

2. Mousey Tongue

Researchers from the Chinese Academy of Science (we were wait-listed there) recently announced that they were able to use embryonic stem cells and genetic engineering to produce live offspring from two female mice. We have no idea what the second mouse was needed for but it’s been 33 years since we studied for our college genetics final exam, so we’re a bit rusty on the particulars.

Leave it to the Chinese to be the vanguard of asexual reproduction.

Researchers are now attempting to build the world’s smallest operational Subaru for this non-traditional family, who at press time were resting comfortably and watching The Kids Are All Right.

3. From Rage To Riches

From Rags To Bitches

Someone bought the domain name BrettKavanaugh.com and made it a site for survivors of sexual assault. So now when you Google the new Supreme Court justice’s name, this will pop up. After we saw this, curiosity took hold of us and we searched to see if the domain ClayTravis.com had yet been claimed by someone. It has not.

4. Then: Nigerian Prince; Now: Tanzanian Billionaire

Things are getting Tanzanier in Africa, where the nation’s only billionaire, and the continent’s youngest, Mohammed Dewji, was abducted as he was about to enter a gym in Dar Es Salaam for a workout. Dewji, 43, has a reported worth of $1.5 billion and owns Mohammed Enterprises, which is a conglomerate of businesses in a number of sectors.

If you receive an email today from a Tanzanian billionaire asking you to donate to his ransom, it may actually be real.

5. This Justin: Will Oregon Runner Cause Nike’s Stock To Tank, Too?


Just one month after making Colin Kaepernick its poster boy, Nike went ahead and surprised Oregon distance runner Justin Gallegos, who suffers from cerebral palsy, with a contract. This,we assume, will render him ineligible?

For the record, Gallegos is part of Oregon’s non-varsity running club. Nike signed him to a three-year deal. He recently ran a half-marathon in 2:03, which is damn good. We just watched the video and now this room needs dusting.

Reserves

Welcome to your crime scene. Torture room for one?

Turkish officials have audio and video evidence (in short, they’ve met the Melania Test) of Jamal Khashoggi being tortured and then executed inside the Saudi consulate. Sources said the 15 assassins (talk about, ahem, overkill) also brought a bonesaw with them for purposes of dismemberment, the better to depart with Khashoggi’s corpse in an inconspicuous manner.

So we’ve got a nation that murders a journalist inside its own consulate, was the birthplace of 18 of the 19 9/11 hijackers, is currently using our weaponry to starve out the nation of Yemen, and was also the very first country President Trump visited? Sounds about right, but then $110 billion arm deals are nothing to sneeze at.

*****

We liked this idea from Max Kellerman. The Giants have two sterling position-player talents in Odell Beckham (just re-signed) and Saquon Barkley and a 37 year-old stiff at quarterback in Eli Manning. Colin Kaepernick lives in New York City and is actually not unpopular here. Sign him. Put him in practice sessions. See what he has left in the tank. The local media and fans certainly would not crucify you. What do you have to lose, G-Men?

Music 101 

True Colors

Before she was just another old lady waiting with me on the corner of 79th and Broadway for the light to change, Cyndi Lauper was an ’80s pop star with a unique and enchanting voice. Not quite as powerful as Annie Lennox, mind you, but she was quirky and genuine and this was one of her bona fide hits.

Remote Patrol

SUNDAY NIGHT

Sundays With Alec Baldwin

10 p.m. Sunday

I’m trying to picture the pitch meeting.

“So you’re just gonna…talk?”

“Yes.”

“And no one’s going to sing?”

“Or dance.”

“And no one’s going to hook up or have an immunity challenge?”

“We’re just…talking.”

SUNDAY

8 p.m.

Chiefs at Patriots

Meet the new boss. Pat Mahomes and the 5-0 Chiefs aren’t the first AFC franchise that came after Tom Brady and the Pats’ fiefdom, but he’s not as young as he used to be and it may finally be time. Or is it?

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 3 Comments

by John Walters

*Before you read this, why not read something funny? Go to “A Message From Katie” (it’s just over there to the right…See it?….Look at you owning the internet) and click. Thanks!

Starting Five

Tragic Mike

The Florida Klanhandle transformed into Desolation Row yesterday as Hurricane Michael came ashore with its 155 m.p.h. winds laying waste to a 200-mile swath of the Gulf Coast. The loss of life was minimal (two souls) but countless pairs of air-brushed sleeveless T-shirts have been lost or irreparably soiled.

Climate change isn’t God reaching His hand through the clouds like an animated Monty Python bumper. No, it’s a storm like Michael so soon after Florence, it’s Connecticut experiencing a record number of 80-plus degree days (such as yesterday). Here in the northeast, seasons are fast becoming Summer, Indian Summer, Winter, Rain, repeat.

But, you know, it’s too soon to talk about climate change right after such a devastating storm…

Michael did pose an inconvenience of sorts for our 45th president, who wanted to express concern and all but wasn’t about to pass on the ego boost that a White Power Rally provides him. So here’s what he did. First, he tweeted this (which, okay, no one expects him to fly to Panama City and use a T-shirt cannon to shoot paper towels into people’s homes, but the fact is he literally was NOT with them)


and then of course he boards Air Force One and flies to Erie to feed off the hostility of his followers toward those who have nothing to do with the fact that they’re losers….

2. Seeing Red

The stock market took a precipitous plunge yesterday, more than 832 points (or 3.2%), its greatest one-day loss since February 8…which no one really remembers because the DOW has been so upwardly trending since then. Is it a blip or is it a trend?

Well, when we began typing this morning the DOW’s implied open was -300 or so and now it’s at -138. We think it’s a correction and President Donald “The Fed has gone crazy” Trump blames it on the Federal Reserve and its raising of interest rates.

To all our clients at Walker Capital and to my colleagues at the Cookoutateria who texted in a panic last night, read these words of wisdom from the NYT.

3. The Butler Did It

Of trades and tirades…

Minnesota Timberwolves guard Jimmy Butler, who has been requesting a trade the past three weeks, went full mic drop on his team yesterday after showing up for the first time this preseason. Butler rounded up a supporting cast of third-stringers and whipped, repeatedly, the first-string squad that included former overall first picks Karl-Anthony Towns and Andrew Wiggins.

During the scrimmages, Butler cussed out the team’s GM and coach and told them how badly they need him (they already knew this, which is why they don’t want to trade him). Then he just walked out of the gym, leaving everyone’s jaws agape.

Okay, so Butler has gone from 30th overall pick in 2011 to one of the league’s most dynamic players. And now he’s a diva. We get it. We just don’t understand the logic. How do you go from “You need to trade me” to “You need me?” Or is it just that he’s pissed that he’s not paid as much as Towns and Wiggins?

Here’s what we like about Butler, who as you can see even looks a little bit like Michael Jordan (and started out with the Bulls): He’s honest. He’s also a competitor, as opposed to just an AAU stud. For all their young talent, the T-Wolves don’t have an Alpha Wolf if he’s not there.

4. Katie’s Boner

If everyone believes the sun revolves around the earth, there’s not much upside to being Galileo. If you live long enough, you’ll learn that it’s not necessarily a good thing to have more experience and knowledge than a millennial if all the other millennials are as ignorant as he or she. Now I’m not trying to pick on millennials…okay, maybe I am to a degree.

Here’s Bill Simmons appearing on his friend Katie Nolan’s ESPN show recently, and being a good sport about going back to defend himself in terms of past TV clips (Why didn’t they show the Sage Steele clip from the 2013 NBA Finals, we wonder?). Anyway, at one point (the 2-minute mark) she chides him about using the word “boner” on PTI and he tells her that while it gave him a vicarious thrill to use that double entendre on TV, also reminds her that it is a famous sports term dating back a century.

“Wait, people say ‘boner’ to just mean mistakes?” Nolan asks. “I’d never heard that.”

“You know, Merkle’s Boner?” Simmons asks, and then provides vague and not exactly historically accurate details about Fred Merkle (it was the 1908 World Series, not 1912, but   probably only Bob Costas and Keith Olbermann would know that off the top of their heads).

As we think about it, we’re trying to imagine Merkle’s Boner (a baserunning blunder in which he got himself forced out at 2nd as a teammate was scoring what could’ve been the game-winning run) in replay-review world.

What’s funny is the blank stare that Nolan gives Simmons. Like, “Whatevs, Bill.” But he’s not in the wrong here. She is, for being the host of a sports show and having no idea what Merkle’s Boner is. And okay, we can forgive that, but it’s the look she gives him as if to say, “You’re nuts” instead of being humble enough to appreciate that Bill Simmons probably has a better historical sports mind than she does. Maybe she could actually learn something here.

Now, the typical millennial response to this might be, “What do you expect? I wasn’t alive back then.” But guess what? Neither was Bill Simmons. Neither was I, but I know what Merkle’s Boner is.

So, yeah, millennials are awful. And they don’t read enough because they’re too busy posting selfies on Instagram. And I’m joking but I’m also not.

5. Olivia’s Odyssey

Dollars to doughnuts that Nuzzi’s looks probably enticed Trump to call her into the office. But she’s also a very smart cookie.

This story from Olivia Nuzzi of New York magazine about her bizarre visit to the Oval Office a few days ago is just wild. She’s called in to meet with President Trump about a story she’s working on that Chief of Staff General John Kelly’s job is in jeopardy and next thing you know she’s being full-court pressed by Trump, Mike Pompeo and Mike Pence among others.

Reserves

Before we forget, this performance from Flight of the Conchords on Late Show recently. It’s good to have the band back together.

***

Also, if you want to read an excellent celebrity un-profile, this piece from Taffy Brodesser-Akner on Bradley Cooper in The New York Times is wonderful.

Music 101

Girlfriend

1991, Matthew Sweet, and one of the earliest uses of anime in a rock video. The Nebraska native had moved to Athens, Georgia, in the early Eighties to attend college and be part of that burgeoning music scene that included B-52s and REM. His success came later and lesser than theirs, but this breakout hit still went to No. 10 on the charts.

Remote Patrol

His Girl Friday 

8 p.m. TCM

This 1940 comedy marks the second time in as many years that Cary Grant played a character who successfully woos his ex-wife back (The other film? The Philadelphia Story). Was that a thing back then?

 

A MESSAGE FROM KATIE!

by John Walters | 4 Comments

by Katie McCollow

Hello friends! Isn’t it exciting that Medium Happy is turning 50? Where have the years gone?

Obviously I’m joking- we all know Medium Happy has yet to complete a trip around the sun (or publish any actual recipes, which I think we can all agree is highly confusing)-I’m the one who turned 50, and what better way to commemorate this milestone than share with you the dread I feel at having lived half a century, yet am still no closer to meeting Zac Efron?

I know what you’re thinking; “She couldn’t possibly be 50, she doesn’t write a day over 32!” and that is so sweet of you, really. Turning 50 is such a relief, to be honest- I’m totally going to embrace hearing “You write great for your age.”

My actual birthday was a few days ago. I asked my mother, “Can you believe you have a child who’s 50?!” and she reminded me that I’m the eighth of her nine children. I only tell you that so you know that compared to all of my siblings except one, I’m actually very, very young.

I’m not one of those people who feels melancholy about getting older, especially now, when there’s so much other stuff to feel melancholy about. Is it cognitive dissonance or menopause keeping me in a constant state of emotional whiplash? One calls for hormone therapy, the other, hardcore pharmaceuticals. Either way, these days I get a disturbing thrill from chewing stale Gummi Bears and then counting my teeth.

So how did I spend the big day, you ask? Well it was beautiful outside, and beautiful days have been in short supply this year where I live- I feel like I can count on one hand the days the sun has shone this fall, so I went for a run. As I was leaving, my husband, wracked with bronchitis, was attempting to use the last of his limited oxygen supply to blow up a giant, gold number 50, making me wonder if my birthday surprise would be widowhood. He lived, the balloons still festoon my front windows, and all is well.

He rallied enough to take me to do one of my favorite things later that night, sing karaoke. I have no explanation why it’s one of my favorite things, since it never goes well. I’m about as good at karaoke as I am at ordering off a menu. Hmm, steak, chicken, pork…oooh what’s that you say, tonight’s special is duck tartare? Sounds repulsive! Make it a double!

If I were to stick to my wheelhouse at karaoke, I’d choose something like, say, Happy Birthday. That’s not even true- my real wheelhouse, singing-wise, would be to not participate, but if Instagram has taught me anything, it’s that we’re supposed to do things that scare us.

Does Instagram really know what it’s talking about? Why should I do things that scare me? Why am I supposed to ‘breathe through it and let it go’? Is everyone I meet really fighting a battle I know nothing about? Insty insists I ‘Don’t sit on my ideas, stand by them’- what about that duck tartare idea that made me throw up for two days? But then my jeans fit for 10 minutes on the third say, so I guess it did make sense. Fine, Instagram, you win. For now.

Where was I? Oh yes, karaoke. My logical mind says just say no, but the part of me that loves it when you look screams Bohemian Rhapsody!! Impossible to sing, and cripplingly long! Why should I be the only one suffering? As Ellen Griswold says, “It’s Christmas, and we’re all in misery.” OK FINE. We all know the part of me that loves when you look is the whole part, and none of my mind is logical. Must you rub it in??

Enough with the birthday talk. I’m sure it’s obvious to all you smart people that it is but a red herring to keep from talking about the latest elephant in the room that’s stampeding through this country and tearing (what’s left of it) apart.

I’ll warn you right now- I hold an unpopular opinion on this latest shriek-fest, and every time anyone, even a supposed “loved one”, asks me about it and I speak my truth, they look at me like I’ve morphed into an Orc, take me out of their contact list and block me off their social media before I’ve even had a chance to swallow my muffin. And that was not a euphemism, although you will find a reference to it in my high school year book.

I’m talking of course, about the new A Star is Born.

It was OK.

I didn’t hate it! But let’s get real, there was not an easier mark in that theater than me, me who loves nothing more than a doomed love story with a great soundtrack. I sat down, settled in with my Kleenex and waited in giddy anticipation for the waterworks to start.

Still waiting.

The good news: Bradley Cooper does a spectacular Sam Elliot impersonation. Also good news: the insomnia that’s plagued me since April is cured.

If you don’t know the story, stop reading (although I’m pretty sure most of you clicked off at the mention of menopause) because I’m going to reveal the whole plot right now. And if you don’t know the story, why don’t you? This is like the 47th iteration of this thing, and it’s a classic. Not knowing the story is like not knowing Darth Vader is Luke’s dad at this point. (Aaaaand there go the rest of you.)

Spoiler Alert: In the pool scene, Jackson Maine is actually in the shallow end. I mean…

So Bradley Cooper plays this grizzled old musician who’s super famous. He’s an unkempt drunk and looks like he smells awful. One night after a show, he goes to a bar and falls hard for Lady Gaga, a chanteuse with eyebrows made of hockey tape. Possibly duct tape, but I’m from Minnesota.

Bradley Cooper: Mraw mraw mrawwww mmmble

Lady Gaga: You’ve earned my trust so I’ll sing in this parking lot late at night! WAAAAAAAAAAHHHH (her voice causes a hurricane, but everyone lives because of paper towels)

Bradley Cooper: Mrawwww mraww mrawwwww braaaap less make out slurp slurp ima make you famuzz brrrhhhh

Lady Gaga: This stage is so big and scary I’ll cover my eyes and hopefully my voice can shake the foundation WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH (it does)

Bradley Cooper: Mraw mraw mraw bppppphttttt

Lady Gaga: I’m famous now so my hair is light orange!

Bradley Cooper: mrah mrah less ge murried yer n ugly sellout ahmm deaf

Lady Gaga: Drunkard!

Bradley Cooper: psssssssssssssssssss

He cleans up his act and swims in a pool, she cancels a tour and then there’s a sad part and a big number at the end. There’s also lots of dull shots inside the seventies-era dental office they call home, and Sam Elliot (oh- he plays Bradley Cooper’s brother) says the F word about a million times. And about halfway through it you say way louder than you meant to, “Omigod is that Andrew Dice Clay?”

B-. It’s this year’s Dunkirk or the year before’s La La Land. It’ll probably win a boatload of awards, and I’ll remain the cheese standing alone. But life is not all mediocre movies, friends, so here’s a list of-

Five Books that are fun to read in October

5. Dracula– I have a really cool version, with super creepy illustrations. Now, when I say I ‘read’ this, what I mean is, I crank “Before the Summer Ends” on an hours long loop and sing along at top volume until my vocal cords bleed. I don’t listen to the rest of the soundtrack because it’s garbage.

4. The Haunting of Hill House– The best kind of scary- the psychological kind. I’m looking forward to watching the Netflix version of this, mostly so I can marvel at how great Carla Gugino looks.

3. The Liner Notes of the special edition of The Greatest Showman. Always the right choice, no matter the month. And again, the thought of never meeting Zac Efron terrifies.

2. Wuthering Heights– OK, you caught me- I bucked tradition and didn’t read it this year, opting instead for Agnes Grey, which I’d never read because I didn’t even know it existed until I went to the library to check out Wuthering Heights. Have I been italicizing too much? It feels like maybe too much. Anyway I’m not going to read two Bronte sister books back to back. It’s gloomy outside but c’mon.

That’s the whole list. Five books in a month? I don’t have that kind of time, you sillies. Until we meet again, I hope you all have a very Happy Halloween!

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 3 Comments

by John Walters

Starting Five

“I pledge allegiance/To the pu**y grabber…”

1. In Haley, Ex-Haley

Yet another cabinet member, United Nations ambassador Nikki Haley, submits her resignation. But in the West Wing it’s all peaches and cream and how-’bout-a photo op? What gives?

Theories: 1) She got tired of Jon Bolton‘s creepy mustache and Mike Pompeo‘s perpetually I’ve-had-too-much-for-lunch girth. Plus, they’re serious hardliners where she is more of an eyeliner. 2) She and her husband wanna make a little more bread. They’ve never earned more than $270,000 a year combined (I’m sure Donald has a few thoughts about that, spouse-wise) or 3) Haley is positioning herself to take Lindsay Graham‘s vacant South Carolina senate seat when Donald appoints him attorney general to replace Jeff Sessions.

We’ll see.

Whatever, Haley only informed her staff of the exodus a few hours before meeting Trump later Tuesday morning (just after he finished watching Fox & Friends and cartoons). So it was an either abrupt or carefully guarded decision.

2. Stanton Stinks (Don’t Talk To Us, We’re Grieving)!

Another walk of shame for G-Rod

Is it too soon to dub him G-Rod? The Yankees trailed 4-1 to the Red Sox in an elimination game heading to the bottom of the ninth in the Bronx last night. The leadoff hitter, Aaron Judge, walked. The next batter, Didi Gregorius, singled. No outs and the tying run, Giancarlo Stanton, comes to the plate.

To that point Stanton had four singles in the series (two during a 16-1 rout on Monday) and five strikeouts in 17 at-bats. No extra-base hits, no RBI. The man whom the Yankees have invested an MLB-record $325 million through 2028 predictably struck out, but it wasn’t the K itself, it’s how he did it. The last two strikes Stanton swung out were low and away, far outside the zone.

It says a lot that the next batter, Luke Voit, who’s in his second season, was able to work a walk against the Sox’ Craig Kimbrel, one of the game’s premier closers (while Stanton was not). Then Neil Walker, another batter more clutch than Stanton, was hit by the first pitch, forcing in a run.

Gary Sanchez, who wouldn’t shorten his swing to save his mother’s life, flied out to the warning track, bringing in one more run. Then Gleyber Torres hit a two-strike slow roller to third and was thrown out by inches, ending the game and the Yankees’ season.

We say this as longtime Yankee fans: it’s a cheap thrill watching a team set a Major League home run record (267) during the season but utterly unable to put wood on the ball when it matters. In two games in the Bronx the Yankees failed to hit a home run (we don’t know how often that happened during the season, but it was rare for a team that averaged more than 1.5 per game).

Only Angel Hernandez (three overturned calls in Game 3) had a worse series than Stanton. The Cuban native has filed a discrimination grievance with MLB; is that why he keeps getting to work playoff games?

Also, mock the “clutch gene” theory all you want, but in his first season in New York it’s clear that Stanton wants no part of big moments. Like Jason Giambi and A-Rod before him, he’s great at hitting 450-foot blasts when the Yanks are up or down five runs, but in key moments? New York sent seven men to the plate in the ninth inning and only their most expensive player whiffed…again, on two obvious balls.

Players such as George Springer of the Astros or Christian Yelich of the Brewers, here are guys who make contact and also have power. In the offseason we hope Stanton either visits an optometrist or learns how to lay off high heat and low in-the-dirt sliders. For now, though, he’s what our dad would call “a stiff.” I can’t stomach another 10 seasons of this; I’m too old for that. It’s almost enough (almost) to make me a Mets fan.

Thank you for letting me vent. Sports therapists’ hourly rates are too expensive.

3. Michael: Would You Like An Upgrade?

Yesterday Michael was an unassuming Category 1 storm with 90 m.p.h. winds just minding its business at Starbucks. This morning it’s a Category 4 hurricane that is about to hit the Florida panhandle with the potential to be the nastiest October hurricane since StatCast began tracking exit velocity and launch angles (sorry, we’re just not ready to let the Yankees’ season be over yet). Anyway, seriously, it could be the worst October hurricane in U.S. history.

Also, this just in from your favorite Super-Pac or GOP politician or email-forwarding relative: climate change is not real. But you do have to wonder, why does dear Baby Jesus keep taking aim at red states so often with His magnificent tempests?

4. The Rear Window-ing of Jamal Khashoggi

The last moments Jamal Khashoggi was seen alive

If you’ve ever seen the Alfred Hitchcock classic Rear Window, you know that once you murder someone inside a building with only one exit, the hard part is removing the body. So where is Saudi journalist Jamal Khashoggi, who entered his nation’s consulate in Istanbul last week and never emerged? And was a 15-man assassination team really necessary? How many people do you need?

Also, will the Trump White House just dole out lame platitudes about wanting answers until hopefully a domestic mass shooting or kneeling NFL player wipes this story from the front page? After, you’ve got a Muslim journalist (two strikes) versus an evil, oil-producing monarchy (three pluses). Whose side do you think President Spray Tan is on?

5. Swift Voting >>>> Swift Boating*

*The judges will also accept “Pop Rock—But No Longer Country—The Vote”

Popette Taylor Swift won another Artist of the Year AMA last night and encouraged viewers and the audience to get out and vote (two days earlier she’d finally broken her political silence and said she’d be supporting two Tennessee Democrats; it’s a wonder someone didn’t hurl a copy of Republicans Buy Sneakers, Too at her).

Through serendipitous timing, Kanye West was too busy having lunch at the White House (really) to march onstage and interrupt T-Swizzle’s acceptance/suffrage speech.

Music 101

The Edge of Glory

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XenLJLFP9IA

Just a couple of native New Yorkers in a studio grinding, trying to make a living. Lady Ga Ga appeared on Howard Stern 11 years ago and what comes across, undeniably, is her superlative talent (she’s only 21 years old here). MH had a staff outing last night to see A Star Is Born (why waste two nights in a row watching the Yanks lose at home to the Red Sox?) and this performance becomes more impactful. Why? Because not unlike Jackson Maine, we prefer the stripped-down Stephanie Germanotta, with that one in 100,000 million voice and the piano chops, to the platinum-haired, dancer-adorned Ga Ga.

Remote Patrol

Warriors at Lakers

10:30 p.m. ESPN

It’s only preseason, but this is the first time LeLakers will face the Warriors. We’re hoping Steve “I don’t want to be here, anyway” Kerr gets himself tossed in the first half.