Monthly Archives: September 2018

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 2 Comments

by John Walters

Tweet Me Right


We’ve seen two different anchors putting themselves into this live-action animation model. Is this a hurricane or a Universal Studios ride (notice the waves crashing audio)?

Starting Five

Mass. Hysteria

We turned on the TV last night to see dozens of homes in suburban Boston up in flames and wondered, How many Branch Davidians live in New England, anyway (Too soon? Okay, too soon). At least 70 explosions or fires, all gas-related, broke out in the towns of Andover, Lawrence and North Andover, shortly before 5 p.m. A teenager was killed as he sat in a driveway when an explosion caused a chimney to topple over onto the vehicle.

Earlier in the day Columbia Gas of Massachusetts had sent out a releasing saying it was “upgrading gas lines throughout the state” and if you’re their in-house counsel this morning, man, what a headache your life is about to become.

2. American Metaphor

This was the view from the camera perched atop Frying Pan Tower, which is located about 40 miles off the coast of North Carolina and has been previously profiled in MH.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ydvHXDRVFG4

As the swells from Florence rippled in an infinite abyss, a tattered American flag waved in the 100-plus m.p.h. winds, while meanwhile an American president was butt-hurt about the death toll of the last great hurricane, his former campaign chairman was preparing to make a plea deal with Robert Mueller, and his son was questioning the comedic stylings of Kathy Griffin, which would make a funny Seinfeld sub-plot if only it hadn’t already been one nearly 25 years ago.

3. Davidson 91, Guilford 61 (Yes, football)

We don’t know why an FCS school (Davidson) was playing a Division III school (Guilford), but what happened when the two met last night was 152 points and 1,662 yards of total offense. For the record, the two schools, who moved up their contest because of Hurricane Flo, combined for 22 touchdowns, one safety and zero field goals.

Davidson (3-0) set FCS records for rushing yards (685) and total yards (964) in a game. The Wildcats attempted just eight passes, all of which were completed.

As for Guilford, they’ve scored 61 points in each of their two games this season.

4. Tucker, A Man And His Schemes

Last night on Fox News (the national Fox News, not the creepy Fox News 4 that reports on the contents of murdered men’s apartments), Asshole Extraordinaire Tucker Carlson interviewed and interrupted Michael Avenatti, Stormy Daniels’ lawyer. It’s not that Avenatti isn’t a media opportunist, but he’s correct that Carlson is a tremendous hypocrite (and might we add, with all sincerity, an unabashed asswipe of a human being).

And isn’t it funny that the Fox folks identify Avenatti as a “Creepy Porn Lawyer” but have never ID’ed the commander-in-chief as a Creepy Porn President? This remains our favorite moment in Carlson’s turd-to-turd career…

Oh, and by the way, Tucker’s been interrupting people for years.

5. Steeple Chasing

On Sunday Emma Coburn competed in the Fifth Avenue Mile, where one of her closest friends, Jenny Simpson, won for a record seventh time. Afterward Coburn, who finished fourth and ended her competitive 2018, was asked about the world-record time in her event, the steeple chase, posted this summer in Monaco by Beatrice Chepkoech of Kenya. In setting the WR of 8:44.2, Chepkoech smashed the existing WR by eight seconds and her own PR by 15 seconds.

“I think it’s important to look at history and look at what happened with Ruth and I do think a woman can run 8:45, but I don’t think a woman can run 8:45 when for a whole season she runs 9 minutes and then runs 8:45. I don’t think that’s really possible,” said Coburn, the American record-holder and the first American female to medal in the event at the Olympics (bronze, 2016). “I think 9 minutes is still the holy grail of women’s steeplechase and I think that’s a time — that right under 9 minutes athletes can run clean, so hopefully there’s enough of us to get near that.”

The last two Olympic champions in Coburn’s event have tested positive for doping. First, 2012 gold medalist Yuliya Zaripova of Russia, who was stripped of her gold, and later Ruth Jebet of Kenya (2016), who held the world record prior to Chepkoech. Asked her reaction when Jebet tested positive, Coburn bluntly stated, “My reaction was duh…I think in 2014, she ran, the first time I really noticed her and remember her was at the Continental Cup. And I beat her there and I think the following year, her best was in the 9:20s. I’m trying to remember, but I don’t remember her stats fully (it was 9:21, though she ran 9:20 in 2014). And then the next year, she runs 8:52.”

https://www.facebook.com/elkrun5k/photos/a.777645615729015/974590596034515/?type=3&theater

We love Coburn at MH because she’s not afraid to be candid. And if you happen to be near Crested Butte later this month, the Emma’s Elk Run 5-K, a race she and her husband launched last year, will be taking place. How many other races give you a course preview by having an American record-holder pace it for you while soft John Denver-y guitar music plays in the background?

Music 101

Scenes From An Italian Restaurant

1970s Billy Joel was vintage Billy Joel. We’re not saying Christie was his Yoko, but he didn’t put out more than one or two great tunes after meeting the Uptown Girl. This song, which appeared on his 1977 breakout album The Stranger, was never released as a single, but has become one of his most popular tunes among the hardcore fans at MSG. This performance took place on May 6, 1977, before the album’s release, at C.W. Post University on Long Island. The restaurant to which he gives the shout-out, Christiano’s, was located in Syosset and only closed its doors four years ago…listen closely and you’ll feel some touches of early Springsteen in this tune. Also, notice how closely the beginning of this song mirrors the start of of this album’s title track.

Remote Patrol

Neil Simon Fest

TCM

8 p.m. The Odd Couple

10 p.m. The Goodbye Girl

12:15 a.m. Lost In Yonkers

Neil Simon, the male Nora Ephron, passed away a few weeks ago at the age of 91. No writer ever received more Tony and Oscar nominations, and it’s worth noting that as a young man he was in the writers’ room for Sid Caesar’s Your Show Of Shows with Carl Reiner and Mel Brooks. He was born in New York on the Fourth of July, 1927, a quintessential American.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 1 Comment

by John Walters

Starting Five

1. Florence, Night & Gale-Force Winds

In my mind, I’m not going to Carolina.

The overnight, I’m sorry to tell you, Danny Kanell, did nothing to assuage the fears of Carolinians about this weekend’s approaching storm that will hit the Carolinas’ coast: 3-4 feet of rain, a storm surge of at least 10 feet, winds that are currently 80-100 mph (those will drop when Flo makes landfall).

The hurricane has also motivated two of the top three schools in the nation. Clemson and Georgia, to move up their Saturday kickoffs to noon. The storm is projected to make landfall around Friday afternoon, so we’re kind of wondering what the atmosphere at Clemson will be by noon Saturday. That Howard’s Rock hill may be a mudslide. Also, the Tigers host Georgia Southern. Where exactly are they supposed to go after the game?

Meanwhile, speaking of hurricanes, the president is now promoting deatherism…

By the way, if you’re wondering why hurricanes seem to strike the Atlantic coast, but not the Pacific, it’s actually not the fault of liberals. The two main reasons are 1) hurricanes that form in the northern hemisphere travel in a northwesterly direction and 2) the water temperature in the south Atlantic or Caribbean are at least 10 degrees warmer than those in the Pacific.

2. Come Together?*

George was likely off working on a solo project.

*The judges will also accept “We Can Work It Out” but not “I Wanna Hold Your Hand”

In an interview with GQ, Paul McCartney revealed that before they were famous, he and John Lennon and a couple other non-Beatles lads had a group onanism session at John’s House…until John killed the mood by yelling, “Winston Churchill!” This New York Post story gets most of the jokes in.

3. Spring Football Blues

Our old friend and colleague, Jeff Pearlman, has penned his passion project: a tome about the rise and demise of the United States Football League in the 1980s. We promise to purchase it as soon as we’re finished with the book we are reading (no, that book is not Fear by Robert Woodward).

Reggie White, Memphis Showboats

For those of you who do not recall, the USFL lasted just three seasons and our current president, who owned the New Jersey Generals, played a large role in its demise. If you follow Jeff on Twitter, you already know that. I grew up in a then-USFL city—Phoenix—and just recall not having much of an appetite to watch football in the vernal days. But make no mistake: the USFL had plenty of talented players, among them Steve Young and Herschel Walker.

A must-own book for any sports fan

If I were to interview Jeff about the book, I’d ask him two things: 1) about Terry Pluto’s sports book classic, Loose Balls, which chronicled the life of the American Basketball Association (still one of the funniest books I’ve ever read, in or out of sports) and 2) about the inaugural ESPN 30-for-30 doc, “Small Potatoes: Who Killed The USFL” and if that was a catalyst that prompted him to write this book.

4. Stay Off The Interstates

The MH staff has a few favorite roads—the Merritt Parkway in Connecticut, the Natchez-Trace in Mississippi, Sunset Boulevard (the entire length of it) in southern California—and we are always in search of more. If you read the comments yesterday, you know we prefer road travel to air travel.

So here’s Outside magazine with a list of five great scenic by-ways in the USA that help you avoid traveling the interstates. We agree, if you’re in a rush, take the I-number roads. If not, take these.

—Apache Trail, Arizona, 42.5 miles: Done this one.

—San Juan Skyway, Colorado, 229 miles: Yup.

—West Elk Loop, Colorado, 202 miles: Nope.

—Kyle Canyon Road, Nevada, 22 miles: Not yet.

—Quebradas Back Country Byway, New Mexico, 24 miles: Perhaps.

Nothing in New Jersey made the list, but we’ll vouch for some Jersey backroads. It’s a prettier state than you might think, particularly in the northwest.

5. Cannabis Creams The Market

A good friend of Walker Capital, who will go by the nom de argent of Seaner, was bragging informing us about a company with the ticker symbol ISOLF. That’s Isodiol International Corporation, the “world leader in CBD-oil products,” which is another way of saying cannabis-based analgesics and creams.

We don’t know if the Watford, England-based company is a legit business, but we do know that the stock has been on a tear this week. Check it out:

As late as Tuesday afternoon, you could have purchased ISOLF for $2.10 per share. Currently the price is $4.05 a share. That’s more than 95% in less than two days. The stewards of MH Capital took a 100-share flyer on the stock this morning. We’ll see where it goes.

Notice: This puppy peaked at $16.90 last November. It it ever recovers back to that point…

And, it’s moving at a volume of fewer than 200,00 shares per day. You could influence this entire market with less than $1,000,000. So if some hedge funder gets involved, look out.

Music 101

Rock You Like A Hurricane

This song received a ton of airplay in Phoenix on KDKB (93.3) and KUPD (97.9) in the early Eighties. We were never fans. Ladies and gentlemen, from Hanover, Germany, the Scorpions.

Remote Patrol

Boston College at Wake Forest

5:30 p.m. ESPN

The Sauce is a Hoss!

Or, as @KevinOnCFB writes, “Must See BC.” MH’s own Red Grange Award favorite, A.J. “The Sauce” Dillon, gets a national stage in part thanks to Hurricane Florence. That’s why the game was moved up. In his last game, versus Holy Cross, Dillon had 149 yards on just five carries. This is B.C.’s first game versus a non-Massachusetts foe this season. WFU is also Notre Dame’s next opponent.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 3 Comments

by John Walters

Starting Five

Let’s (Rock &) Roll!

Is Donald Trump headed to a Flight 93 memorial on 9/11 or has he just passed through the turnstiles for his first Grand Funk Railroad concert? You tell us.

You’ll notice that’s actually Melania, and not the body double, by the fact that she’s walking a few feet behind her husband.

2. Notre Dame’s Playbook? Play Book

In the two games he started last season, Ian Book completed 62% of his throws….

We understand that there may be a few of you who also happen to follow Notre Dame football closer than the average reader, so here’s our suggestion: In the Fighting Irish’s next two games, at home versus Vanderbilt and at Wake Forest, Brian Kelly should play backup quarterback Ian Book at least half the snaps. At least.

Why? Well, because while Vandy and Wake aren’t exactly pushovers (judging from last Saturday, nobody will be for this squad), the season hinges on the next two contests: Stanford and at Virginia Tech. And unlike last season at Miami, it probably would be a bad idea for Kelly to get frustrated with Brandon Wimbush and just throw Book into the game cold with the Irish trailing and the opposing crowd frothy (which would be the case in Blacksburg).

…In the two games he has started this year, Wimbush had completed 54.7% of his throws. He’s a career 50% passer.

Yes, Book played the entire North Carolina game last season and the entire Citrus Bowl, both Irish wins. He doesn’t have Wimbush’s legs, but he has better pocket presence and better accuracy on his throws. It’s not that Kelly needs to sack Wimbush. He just needs to acclimate him to the idea that both QBs can contribute. Such a philosophy seems to be working just fine at Alabama and Clemson.

Bottom line: We don’t think the Irish get past both Stanford and Virginia Tech with Wimbush at quarterback. Maybe they don’t get past both no matter who is taking the snaps. But we think they have a better chance if both options are viable, and the team isn’t rattled by, or unprepared for, an in-game switch.

3.  Whiff ‘lball

Giancarlo Stanton has struck out 195 times. If he strikes out 29 times in the Yankees’ last 17 games—a possibility—he will break Mark Reynolds’ Major League record of 223.

With less than three weeks to play in the regular season, baseball is on the precipice of an ignominious first: This may be the first year in more than 100 seasons that will have more strikeouts than base hits.

Thus far we’ve had 36,690 strikeouts in the 2018 season. As for base knocks, we’ve had 36,720. Bottom line: each team is averaging 1,223 strikeouts this year and 1,224 hits. Nearly identical.

When you consider that this year will probably be the second-most prolific year in terms of  home runs hit league-wide (second only to last year), what you’ve got is balls that either leave the park or end up in the catcher’s mitt. There’s less and less fielding happening than ever before, fewer and fewer singles, doubles and triples.

Launch angle. Exit velo. Power versus power. That’s where the big contracts are, and that’s why situational hitting is not in fashion. It’s why a player such as Giancarlo Stanton can have a contact valued at $325 million, the largest in MLB history, yet be second in baseball in strikeouts (195) and on the verge of breaking the MLB record. Why? Because he’s hit 33 home runs and no one puts more smoke on a ball when he connects.

Still, sometimes you’re a slugger. But more often you’re a shrugger. Is it worth it?

4. A Shot In The Dark

We confess to not understanding a lot about the shooting of Botham Jean by Dallas police officer Amber Guyger over the weekend. First, we don’t understand what her being a police officer has to do with anything. She was not acting in an official capacity when she mistakenly entered Jean’s apartment, believing it was her own. Second, we’re very skeptical that her reaction—overreaction—would have been the same if she had accidentally walked into the apartment of a white male or white female. Third, Guyger appeared to be talking on the phone moments after the shooting. Whom did she call? What did she say? Will there be subpoenas for this? Fourth, why didn’t she allow Jean an opportunity to answer her, why didn’t she make any attempt to deescelate the sitch?

Legal experts, help us out: this is at least manslaughter, no? “The unlawful killing of another person without premeditation or so-called “malice aforethought.”

How is what Guyger did similar to what we see with the acts that NFL players are kneeling about? Here’s how: in places people don’t want to talk about, cops are scared of encounters with black men. They act on their fear. And this is just another tragedy due to that.

5. We’re Just Going To Leave This Here

Headline in this morning’s New York Times: ”

$10 Million From FEMA Diverted to Pay for Immigration Detention Centers, Document Shows

As Hurricane Florence bears down on you, Carolinas, know that your government assistance is being used to house illegal immigrants. Oh, and please accept this roll of paper towels that president tosses your way as a token of our empathy.

Flo to the Carolinas: Kiss my grits!

Meanwhile, we don’t think this tweet is going to age well….


****

Yo, Susie B., AMD became a two-bagger today. Our first two-bagger of 2018. Lemonades on the MH staff!

Music 101

The Things I Will Not Miss

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t0PZ1ovDepE&list=RDt0PZ1ovDepE&start_radio=1&t=23

We were very young and impressionable when, within the span of a few months or even weeks, we first saw Planet of The Apes (on TV; it had been released in 1968) and Lost Horizon (in theaters, 1972). It’s basically the same set-up—Americans drop out of the sky into an alien habitat no one knows exists—with quite different outcomes. For example, no one in the latter gets a forced lobotomy. Here’s Liv Ullman and Olivia Hussey musing on how much they envy the other’s world. All the songs in this film, which has somewhat been forgotten (too bad), were written by Burt Bacharach and Hal David.

Remote Patrol

A Night At The Opera

6 p.m. TCM

“You can’t fool me! There ain’t no Sanity Claus.” Yuk after yuk after yuk in the Marx Brothers classic.

Crisis On Wall Street: The Week That Shook The World

10 p.m. CNBC

Was it only 10 years ago that Lehman Brothers exploded and the stock market collapsed? It feels more like hundreds of thousands—or millions—of dollars for many Americans (raises hand). Andrew Ross Sorkin interviews some of the key players in the saga.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 5 Comments

by John Walters

Tweet Me Right

Starting Five

Sam

Yes, it was funny when Sam Darnold‘s first NFL pass, nay, his first NFL snap, resulted in a pick-six (We know that guy!), but the USC product and No. 3 overall pick rolled from that point, going 16 for 20 and leading the Jets-Jets-Jets! to a 48-17 beatdown of Detroit (looks like another long season for our good pal, Rothstein, and on the first day of the New Year, no less).


Darnold is the youngest starting quarterback to open a season for his club in NFL history. The last NFL quarterback to win his debut by 31 points or more? Tom Brady. Speaking of the Patriots, don’t compare Matt Patricia to Charlie Weis. Yes, there’s the Belichick protege, slightly (!) rotund, moving-to-Midwest factors, but Charlie Weis won his head coaching debut by 31 points.

p.s. Not that anyone’s counting, but it’s only been 50 years since both the Jets and Knicks were good at the same time.

2. Selfie-Assisted Suicide (A Never-ending Drama)

This is not the first such story we’ve run (remember the Grand Canyon incident, that cliff in Australia overlooking the ocean, that waterfall in British Columbia, etc?) and it won’t be the last. A few days ago 18 year-old Tomer Frankfurter, a tourist from Jerusalem, plunged to his death while attempting to take a selfie at Nevada Fall, which is roughly a 600-foot drop.

There are multiple warning signs near the site, plus the big giveaway that the word “Fall” is in the name.

The MH staff walked right past this spot 13 months ago, and on the way out we did so at about 2 a.m. (thanks, Geoff! :)) and from above, as you can see, it all looks kind of tame and inviting. One thing if you ever visit: The sound of the water crashing over the side is extremely vivid and humbling. It hits you more than the visual does.

We read that more people now die worldwide from selfie-borne incidents than from shark attacks. Not that anyone in the U.S. dies from shark attacks, but that’s another story for another post.

3. Ramona Vs. Martina*

Martina indirectly took a backhand to Ramona’s tweet. This is not a backhand, so don’t @ us.

*Before you accuse the judges of pitting one woman against another in order to be divisive, please note that they are just pointing out that two intelligent, accomplished females happen to be disagreeing. We report; you decide.

The Serena (or, “Serene, Uh”) meltdown was only minutes old on Saturday afternoon when ESPN’s Ramona Shelburne sent out this Stand Down, Men message into the Twittersphere:


I think I get it: If you never played the game, keep your trap shut. This warning comes from a person who played softball at Stanford and was a three-time Academic All-American. Okay, good for her (the MH staff rowed for three years at Notre Dame and was a freshman coach their fourth, not that any of this matters). We just found it odd that someone who’s paid six figures by ESPN to write about and comment on, chiefly, the NBA, is lecturing us about staying in our lane when it comes to opining on a sports moment unless you’ve been there.

Then, two days later, a person by the name of Martina Navratilova (18 Grand Slam championships, arguably one of the top three female tennis players of all time) went and penned an Op-Ed in The New York Times (she even signed her name to it!) and basically made all the same points we were making.

Our point: Don’t shush! an audience based on the fact that they never played the game. Or if you’re going to do that, stop depositing checks from ESPN for being a sports blabber.

4. Clay Travis: Week 2

After going 10-4 in Week 1 (but initially reporting it as 10-2), Clay went 4-8 in Week 2. We’ll never mock anyone for having a bad week against the spread, etc. We just want to see if Clay reports his record accurately. It’s Tuesday and still no report from Clay, as opposed to last week when he reported his 10-2 (sic) record on Sunday, the very next day.

Hmm.

Also, before each set of weekly picks, Clay is bold-facing his VIP offer (only $99 annually) that, among other things, allows you to see his picks on Monday or Tuesday (before the lines move) as opposed to later in the week when the hoi polloi have access to them for free. Of course, if his picks finish underwater for the year, is there a money-back guarantee? I don’t think so.

5. Tucker Carlson’s Rant

Three Latin words, which he can find on any coin: E Pluribus Unum: From many, one.

But we can say more: The guy who created Apple was the son of a Syrian immigrant. The guy who created Tesla (don’t laugh) is a South African immigrant. The guy who alerted FDR to very powerful bombs that Hitler was having his scientists build was a German Jew (Einstein) immigrant who helped launch the Manhattan Project. I’ve just tackled three continents with three people who helped change the U.S. for the better.

Diversity in ideas? Yes. Diversity in free speech? Certainly. It’s just funny that the guy ramming this anti-diversity message down our throats works at a network where every male on air is white and every female on-air is a cookie-cutter Barbie knock-off.

 

Music 101

More Than A Feeling

A monster, I mean a Category-5 with lasting effects, hit from a band that no one had ever heard of. A defining song both of the 1970s and of classic rock.

In September of 1976 Boston released this song that the band’s leader, Tom Scholz, an MIT grad, had been working on in his basement for two years. Unforgettable guitar riffs, both  picking and jamming, as well as Brad Delp‘s magical vocals.

Considering that Boston and Aerosmith (and even The Cars) broke out at roughly the same time from the same city, it was a great time to be a music fan in Beantown. If you’re wondering, because we got the lyric wrong for decades, the line after “More than a feeling” is “When I hear that old song they used to play…”

Remote Patrol

Sounder 

10 p.m. TCM

Nominated for four Oscars, including Best Picture, and marking the first time black actors from the same film were nominated for Best Actor (Paul Winfield) and Best Actress (Cicely Tyson). From 1972. I believe I saw this and Old Yeller (on The Wonderful World of Disney) in the same year and that’s too many dog-related tears for a 5 year-old to have to deal with.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 5 Comments

By John Walters

Starting Five

“Believe in something, even if you have to give up a game in the U.S. Open final”

Serena, Not Serene

It’s Rule No. 647 in the Playbook of Life: Never tell a woman she is prohibited from wearing a catsuit at the French Open, and especially don’t do so 10 months before the tournament even commences.

This is what happens. Said female simmers and then, KABOOM!, she loses her sh*t in the second set of the U.S. Open final. Okay, yeah, perhaps chair umpire Carlos Ramos overreacted but, as Patrick McEnroe stated on GMA Sunday morning (and we agree with him), Serena needed to know when to dial it back. She didn’t.


We love Serena, but we also have watched her long enough to know that her emotions, good and bad, are on a hair-trigger setting. And if you don’t think the folks who know here best and love her, many of whom were seated inside Arthur Ashe Stadium Saturday afternoon, have not seen that tyrannical display numerous times, well, you’re wrong.

Townshend was not fined for this, but did declare that he won’t get fooled again by Osaka’s ground strokes.

The coach violated a rule. Sure, Ramos could’ve let it go. But he wasn’t obligated to. No one (except Naomi Osaka and her pristine play) forced Serena to go Pete Townshend on her tennis racket. And as for the verbal abuse afterward, this isn’t MLB where no one in the stands hears what you’re saying. The entire stadium, the entire viewing world does.

“You owe me an apology! You owe me an apology! I have never cheated in my life!”

Does a male player get away with that? Definitely in the 1980s. And maybe today. I dunno. But as The New York Times‘ Juliet Macur wrote in a wisdom-soaked essay, “You also have to wonder if Williams would have gone after Ramos so relentlessly — and with such conviction to stand up for women’s rights — if she were winning.” Besides, Ramos wasn’t accusing her of cheating. He was simply enforcing a rule, one that her coach had broken. What Serena had done prior to that day, or the fact that she has a daughter, those are irrelevant facts.

J-Mac remains the undisputed king of tennis tantrums

Lots of SJWs were invoking the names John McEnroe and Jimmy Connors, and they’re correct. But those outbursts took place 30 or more years ago. And there’s a reason McEnroe’s nom de guerre was Superbrat. If you’re going to use John McEnroe as your counter to what took place Saturday night, all we can say is, “SURELY, YOU CAN’T BE SERIOUS!”

(And don’t come back at me with Leslie Nielsen. I will turn this blog right around and we won’t be going out for Carvel)

One final thought, as it applies to both major players in this saga: When a woman says, “Men are jerks,” every woman in the room agrees with her. It’s a blanket statement, a gross generalization, but they all agree. When a man says, “Women are crazy,” the same thing happens on the other side. We got a dose of both on Saturday.

2. From Hell To Purgatory


Browns fans, you’ll have to learn to walk before you can run. Cleveland played inspired football in its season-opener against Pittsburgh, a.k.a. “For Whom The Bell Does Not Toil,” but only came away with a 21-21 tie. Then again the Browns were down 21-7 in the second half. They’ll win a game this season, even though we cannot say that for sure because they do NOT meet the Buffalo Bills.

3. Sunday Night Follies

Take a Nia

Football Night In America: Game On!

Miss America Pageant: Clothes On!

As Aaron Rodgers was pulling his Lazarus act in Green Bay, fully clothed competitors were flashing their talent and brilliance at the Miss America Pageant, where bathing suits are no longer required (But what if wearing a bathing suit happens to be your talent?). Miss New York, Nia Amani Franklin, was crowned the winner, but it was Miss Michigan, Emily Sioma, who stole the show with an “Oooh, snap!” burn about her home state’s supply of fresh water versus how much of it is potable for residents.

Not the shotgun Rodgers had in mind when the game kicked off…

Meanwhile, Rodgers returned from a busted left knee with his Pack down 20-0 at halftime to lead them to a 24-23 victory. Danica Patrick was impressed. Cris Collinsworth said the defeat would set the Chicago Bears back 100 years, which makes no sense. Chicago almost was able to come back after Clay Matthews committed a fourth-down roughing the passer penalty, which prompted Twitter smarty pants Tom Fornelli to tweet that Matthews had “lost his head and shoulders.”

Nice.

Oh, and the Red Sox beat the Houston Astros in a Fenway Park walk-off and that should be the World Series, really, these two teams.

4. A Farewell To Misery

Hooray for Kansas and Kentucky, two notoriously downtrodden football programs (albeit highly successful hoops programs), for putting to rest two dubious streaks. The Jayhawks ended the nation’s longest FBS road losing streak (46 games) with a 31-7 victory at Central Michigan, while in Gainesville the Wildcats ended a streak of 31 consecutive losses to the same team, the Florida Gators, with a 27-16 victory. The only thing missing this weekend was Samford being unable to finish the historic and ignominious dumping of Florida State at Doak Campbell Stadium. It almost happened.

We’ll get to the Domin-8 tomorrow, but two notes: Tua can also be an acronym of sorts for The University of Alabama and why doesn’t some enterprising student in Tuscaloosa print 1,000 t-shirts that read #MeTua? Sell them for $20 a pop.

5. CBS: Now With Less Moonves!

Congratulations, Les: You’re now just five sexual harassment accusers short of becoming president of the United States. Les Moonves, longtime president of CBS, resigned last night after Ronan Farrow‘s latest precision strike in The New Yorker unearthed a half dozen new accusers.

That’s face of CBS This Morning, Charlie Rose, and network el hefe Moonves in the same year. Can’t anyone on West 57th and 10th keep it in their pants? Oh, and our old friend Josh Elliott, a good egg, is probably sitting at home and thinking, And I’m the one who lost his job?!?

Pete Campbell’s behavior toward distaff co-workers? Not great, Bob.

Waiting for Farrow’s next hit, on the mid-level execs at Sterling, Cooper, Draper, Pryce: Pete Campbell, Ken Cosgrove and Harry Crane (the three C’s). You know, it’s funny, but Don Draper had a plethora of flaws, but he drew the line at office harassment (remember when Peggy came on to him in the series pilot?). And you might accuse Roger Sterling of bad behavior, but his relationship with Joan appeared consensual and as for the marriage, that secretary seemed to know how to play ball. Your thoughts?

Reserves

British Invasion

A couple years ago we spotted this bird on CNBC and thought, Oh, yeah, women are going to despise her (those pants) but men are going to watch her. Beginning this morning on CNN International (which is probably somewhere in our cable package, but we’ll search for it later), Julia Chatterley will host her own show, First Move. Think Early Erin Brunette With a British Accent.

Music 101

Puff The Magic Dragon

As a child in the late Sixties/early Seventies, I had the same look on my face as these munchkins when hearing this song. Even before you realize what the song is about (and we’re not talking about ganja here), you instinctively feel the sense of both wonder and melancholy.

Interesting back story: a 19 year-old Cornell University student, Leonard Lipton, wrote the poem. His roommate was friends with another Big Red undergrad, Peter Yarrow, who would later form the group Peter, Paul & Mary. It was on Yarrow’s typewriter that Lipton wrote the poem that would become the song’s lyrics. He forgot about it. Three years later, Yarrow’s group recorded the song, which was a major hit. Yarrow tracked Lipton down to give him half the songwriting credit and both men have forever shared in the royalties.

Remote Patrol

Better Call Saul

9 p.m. AMC


I’m Nacho stepping stone! It’s beginning to heat up in the Duke City, and Nacho has become the most intriguing character in the series. Not unlike Walter White, he’s a man torn between two loyalties, being pulled apart at the seams. Gus Fring owns him—don’t ever toss your pills off a bridge, kids—but the Salamancas, particularly the laconic, scary twins, still think he’s part of their gang.