Monthly Archives: May 2018

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | Leave a comment

by John Walters

Tweet du Jour


 

Starting Five

Fox News Exposes Fake News

Last night Rudy Giuliani went on TV with Sean Hannity and for reasons known only to him, told Michael Cohen’s other famous client that his boss, Donald Trump, had repaid Cohen the $130,000 that Cohen had paid Stormy Daniels. Giuliani’s assertion, at the very least, exposes Trump as a liar (NO!) since only last month Trump claimed to know nothing about the payment to Daniels.

So, if Trump knew nothing about the payment, how would he know to pay it back?

Not satisfied with setting one inferno, Giuliani then told Hannity that Trump fired Comey because he wouldn’t assure Trump that he was not being investigated about Russia, which is explicitly what Trump said he HAD NOT fired Comey over.

So what does Donald do now? Does he fire Giuliani for “lying”? or does he keep Giuliani and attempt to mansplain how what Giuliani said was not a golden shower of incriminating revelations?

2. Own Goal Header

In the second leg of the Champions League semifinal between Liverpool and A.S. Roma,  Liverpool defender Dejan Lovren goes to clear the ball out of the box and instead ricochets it off teammate James Milner‘s melon. The ball then flies into the goal.

Roma won 4-2 at home, but since Liverpool had won the first leg 5-2 and the away goals were the same, Liverpool advances to meet Real Madrid in the final, May 26 in Kiev.

3. The Igor Sanction

The Phoenix Suns, who had the NBA’s worst record this season (21-61), have just hired Utah Jazz assistant coach Igor Kokoskov. A Serbian native, Kokoskov, 46, becomes the first NBA head coach born outside North America.

A former Suns assistant for five seasons (2008-2013), Kokoskov also coached the Slovenian national team to a Eurobasket championship last summer. One of the stars of that squad was 6’8″ white Magic man Luka Doncic. He’s been mock-drafted as high as three, but might the Suns select him No. 1 if they get him (intriguing option)?

Kokoskov’s own son is named Luka.

This is a great move by the Suns.

4. Luck Be A Lady

This is Maria Konnikova. Last year the writer for The New Yorker decided to learn to play poker as a stunt to write a book. Then Konnikova, who has a PhD in psychology, got very good.

In January, she took down a 240-player field to win $86,400 at an event. Since then, she’s won $57,000 at another event. The book is on hold for awhile.

We covered the 2005 World Series of Poker, the Main Event, from first hand ’til last in 2005. This thought of trying exactly what Konnikova did crossed our minds. Then we lost $300 in our first hour and decided against it. Props to her.

5. It’s Been 11 Days And Donald Trump Has Still Not Uttered James Shaw’s Name

Good guy.

Without a gun.

Foils a white supremacist’s attempt to murder fellow minorities at a Waffle House.

Using an AR-15.

Donald Trump still has yet to mention the name of James Shaw.

But yesterday Ellen Degeneres welcomed Shaw to her program and then, as she is won’t to do, arranged a surprise by having Shaw meet his favorite pro athlete, Dwyane Wade.

It’s funny. Everything about Shaw makes him seem like a chill, stand-up dude. And the silence from the White House on his heroism is quite deafening.

Maybe this is something they can all discuss at the NRA national meeting this weekend in Dallas, where guns will NOT be allowed inside the auditorium. Hmm.

Music 101

Deadbeat Club

The B-52’s are everything we love about music: fun, shameless, harmonious and utterly original. Were they futuristic or decidedly retro? Who was the lead singer, actually (turns out all but one of them were). And then, in 1989, a decade after they made their first big splash, when you would’ve assumed they were way past their prime, the (other) Athens foursome put out their most commercially successful and, not coincidentally, radio-friendly album (Cosmic Thing). This was like the fifth single off it, and yet it’s just such a perfect southern slumber song. Love these guys.

Remote Patrol

Eastern Conference Doubleheader

Cavs at Raptors

6 p.m. ESPN

Sixers at Celtics

8:30 p.m. TNT

How did Adam Silver get sideways on the NBA playoff schedule? Two Eastern Time Zone games on the same night? There are going to be homes all over North America tuning in to see LeBron at halftime, earliest, thinking WTF? Don’t say we didn’t warn you, Susie B.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 4 Comments

by John Walters

Starting Five

Ove Time!

In Game 3 of the Eastern Conference semis between the Capitals and Penguins, Alex Ovechkin scores the game-winner with 1:07 left in Pittsburgh. Caps win 4-3 and take a 2-1 series lead.


This is the 10th time the Caps have been involved in the Stanley Cup playoffs in the Ovechkin era, and he is undoubtedly, at worst, the second-best player of his era, but they still have yet to advance to a Stanley Cup final. The Penguins have knocked them out three times, including the last two. They are Ove due to at least sniff the Cup.

2. Doctor My Lies*

*The judges hope you are a Jackson Browne fan….

Forget for a moment that Donald Trump’s personal physician, Harold Bornstein, looks as if he’s been dipping into his own stash with profligate abandon….

February 1, 2017: In an interview with The New York Times, Bornstein offers that he had prescribed his patient Donald Trump hair growth medicine for years (apparently doctor-patient privilege isn’t as vital to Bernstein as attorney-client privilege is to Michael Cohen).

February 3, 2017: According to Bornstein, Trump thugs raid his office and seize all medical records relating to Trump and even confiscate a framed photo of the two men. “I couldn’t believe anybody was making a big deal out of a drug to grow his hair,” Bornstein told NBC. “It certainly was not a breach of medical trust to tell somebody they take Propecia to grow their hair.”

May 1, 2018: Bornstein shares all of this information in an interview with NBC News. Then he confesses to CNN that the superlative results of a physical exam he gave Trump in December of 2015 that features inimitable Trumpian bombast (“If elected, Mr. Trump, I can state unequivocally, will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency“) was dictated by his patient. “He dictated that whole letter. I didn’t write that letter,” Bornstein told CNN on Tuesday. “I just made it up as I went along.”

Trump, who turns 72 in June, is the oldest person ever elected president. In his defense, his stamina and energy has never been an issue while he has been in office. Still, it’s just another example, if true, of Trump demanding you compromise your professionalism or value in service to him, to loyalty, while understanding how quickly he will cut you off if your fealty and subservience is not utterly complete and unequivocal at all times.

Also, given what started this kerfuffle (the Propecia revelation), just how vain Trump is.

3. KKK: Kanye & Kim Kardashian

Oh, how beautiful was this. Here’s one of the world’s most famous celebrities talking out the side of his arse (“When you hear about slavery for 400 years….for 400 years? That sound like a choice“) and then as he’s leaving, Kanye West is confronted by a TMZ underling who basically lets him have it, verbally, between the eyes. YOU HAVE TO WATCH.

Don’t we all wish we could get a minute to rant at our favorite artists for betraying their values? “Bruce, I love you, man, but what’s with all the synthesizers on ‘Dancing In The Dark?'”… Or, “Bono, for the love of God, put DOWN the megaphone!”

4. Knocking On Heaven’s Door*

*The judges will also accept “Death Wish”

This is David Goodall. He’s an Australian botanist, based in Perth, and on April 4 he celebrated his 104th birthday (why are all the cool scientists named Goodall, by the way?). When he blew out the candles of his birthday cake, his wish was to die. He’s had enough. It’s time to go home. If you have older friends or relatives, you know that they usually like to depart from any gathering early. Well, David’s just taking that idea up a notch.

He’s flying to Switzerland, where euthanasia is not expressly forbidden, and he plans to leave this existence next Thursday, May 10th. He has no weekend plans, apparently. We salute you, David. You’ve had enough of this party and you just want to go home. Understood.

5. Mike Drop

Yesterday Mike Francesa’s Jay Leno turn came to fruition as he returned to broadcasting on WFAN after about a year of “retirement.” Francesa smoked the peace pipe with the three aging millennials he replaced (Chris Carlin, Maggie Gray, Bart Scott, whom you can refer to as CMB but they’re not going to  last long enough at WFAN or anywhere else where you’ll be needing to commit this acronym to memory), and then moved on to talking about the Yankees-Astros (and apps, and not fried zucchini) in his newly streamlined 1-3 p.m. slot.


None of the three people he replaced had the audacity to call him out for going Leno on their Conan. And that’s why, unlike Francesa (or Howard Stern), they’ll never find a loyal or yuuuuuge audience.

Reserves

There May Be Hope For The NBA Yet (But We Doubt It)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GxOy67Le1yw

They called a lane violation on LeBron James last night. Finally. Yes, it matters. Below, Dan Dakich will tell you why….

Music 101

Le Freak

But what if we don’t want to freak out? The New York City-based band Chic didn’t give a damn. This 1978 tune went to No. 1 on the Billboard Hot 100, R&B and disco charts. Someone is doing a line while they listen to this song somewhere right now.

Remote Patrol

Champions League

Liverpool at Roma

2:30 p.m. FS1

After yesterday afternoon’s second-leg semi-final thriller from Madrid, this one has a lot to live up to. The fun part here is Liverpool’s Mohamed Salah was just named Footballer of the Year and now he’s returning to the venue where he played as a member of Roma before moving over to Liverpool last summer. Liverpool won the first leg 5-2, which means that Roma must win by 3 goals (and keep Liverpool to 0 or 1 goal) in order to advance.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | Leave a comment

by John Walters

Tweet du Jour

Starting Five

1. Summer Of 49 (Questions)

Last night The Not-Failing New York Times published a list of approximately four dozen questions that special prosecutor Robert Mueller wants to ask the president. Those questions, which Mueller had sent to Trump’s lawyers weeks if not months earlier, were most likely leaked to The Times by one of Trump’s former lawyers who begged off the case or…by that new lawyer who last week was added to the case. An old friend of Donald’s by the name of Rudy Giuliani.

The questions can be broken into four categories (Flynn, Sessions, Comey, Russia), though sadly not concerns, “Hey, what was going on with the back of your scalp when you boarded Air Force One on that particularly windy afternoon this past winter?”


Four people have already pleaded guilty just to LYING to the special prosecutor in regards to this particular investigation. Which makes us wonder if there will be a FIFTH and makes us think that after all of Mueller’s questions, if Donald Trump will have just one: “Am I allowed to pardon myself?”

(No, Donald).

2. Netanyahu Serious?

Last night in Israel, the nation’s prime minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, went on national TV and showed off his CD collection. Sadly, most of them were burner mixes and an inordinately high number of those had tracks from Dashboard Confessional and Bjork. What can we say?

Apparently, most of the “Iran Lied” facts date back to 2009, which is why last night the White House released a statement that read “Iran HAS a robust, clandestine nuclear weapons program” and then hours later corrected the tense on that provocative statement to “Iran HAD  a robust, clandestine nuclear weapons program.”


The White House cited a “clerical error.” Makes you wonder whether the entire Iraq War (or both of them) started because some White House flunkie typed a “q” when he meant to type an “n.”

Also, we cannot wait for the White House to announce that the above, too, is a “clerical error.” It was full disclosure from Donald about his presidential campaign and should read, “I ran, lied.”

3. “O Romeo, Romeo!”

Romeo and the cap-you-let him wear

Yesterday thousands of people arrived at a high school gym in New Albany, Indiana, to hear a 6’5″ shooting guard by the name of Romeo Langford announce wherefore art thou he was matriculating this summer. Jim Gray was not spotted.

Tell us that isn’t one of his teammates, please.

Langford, who wisely choose Indiana or else good luck getting out of that gym alive, is considered a Top 5 prospect and the nation’s top shooting guard. He was named Indiana’s Mr. Basketball after averaging 35 points per game this season. His chaplain compared him to “Abe Lincoln,” which let’s face it, is better than being compared to Damon Bailey.

Look, we DID find Jim Gray…

4. Where In The World: Door To Hell

This is the Darvaza Gas Crater in Turkmenistan’s Karakum Desert, known by locals as “the door to hell.” It’s approximately 60 meters by 20 meters and if you happen to kick your soccer ball into it, well, it’s gone.

So what’s the story here? It was a natural gas field that collapsed into an underground and geologists set it on fire in order to stop the spread of methane gas. It has been burning continuously since 1971. From here on out, we may just refer to the New York Knicks as the Darvaza Gas Crater.

5. 196.1 Vs. 2,066

Some day in the not-too-distant future, perhaps even later this year, a publicly traded company will be the first to be valued at (pinkie to side of mouth) “one TRILLION dollars!”

Now who will that be? Odds are that it’ll be either Apple, whose current value is $838 billion, or Amazon, which is currently valued at $758 billion. So how will we know? Unless one of these companies does a stock split in the next year—Amazon could but we doubt it will—look for the moment when Apple’s stock price, currently, $166, hits $196.10. As for Amazon, currently at $1,566, look for when its stock price hits $2,066.

The race is on. Momentum says Amazon, but Apple has been confounding doubters for years now. We’re going with the Jobs creator.

Music 101

I Think We’re Alone Now

An easy recipe for pop song success: pore over Billboard chart lists that are two decades old and re-record a classic. Tommy James and the Shondells were victimized this way twice in the Eighties, first by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts (“Crimson and Clover”) and then in 1987 by Tiffany, the Madonna of the malls. James and the Shondells wrote this song and took it to No. 4 in 1967; twenty years later Tiffany took it to No. 1. Both versions are fantastic.

If you wanna feel old, imagine someone re-recording Fastball’s “The Way” right now. Same time gap.

Remote Patrol

The Cowboys

8 p.m. Sundance

John Wayne in one of his elder statesmen cowboy roles and a band of barely adolescent lads lead a cattle drive. Bruce Dern plays the bad hombre. Solid, from 1972.