by John Walters

Best Picture Rewind

We have dire fears not of Vladimir Putin’s “invincible”weapon, but rather that Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri will win Best Picture on Sunday night at the 90th Oscars. It’s the most manipulative, disingenuous, unrealistic (they place the cop in the same hospital room as the man he tried to murder not long before?) piece of tripe we’ve seen since Zombeavers—beavers who are zombies—but at least that was fun.

Oscar will get it wrong on Sunday night, but it’s hardly the first time. Some years you know that Oscar got it wrong as it happened; others it takes a few years to appreciate. It would be wonderful, but also unrealistic, if the Academy put a five-year waiting period on Best Picture to see how films matured or simply aged. Hindsight here really is 20/20.

With that in mind, the MH staff is going to review the past 42 years of Best Picture winners. We’ll tell you what won and then add our (inexpert) opinion as to what should have. To be a Best Picture, a film should have a show-it-again quality even though you can recite much of the dialogue by heart; and it helps if the film comes off as truly original as opposed to derivative, a la The Post.

With that in mind, let’s begin:

1975

Winner: One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest

MH Pick: Jaws

Spielberg’s problem here is that Hollywood had never experienced the “summer blockbuster film” phenomenon—much less Spielberg— yet. Immensely entertaining but also a wonderfully crafted film.

1976

Winner: Rocky

MH: Rocky

It’s difficult to pass on All The President’s Men, but no one who saw the film in a theater will forget the feeling they had during the film’s final 10 minutes. Yo, Adrian!

1977

Winner: Annie Hall

MH: Annie Hall

Put your light sabers down, Star Wars fans. It’s an excellent franchise and an entertaining film, but as Siskel & Ebert pointed out, it’s basically a Western in outer space. As for the winner, La di da, la di da, la la…

1978

Winner: The Deer Hunter

MH: Animal House

Two comedies in as many years? Sure, why not. Did we surrender when the Nazis bombed Pearl Harbor?

1979

Winner: Kramer vs. Kramer

MH: Apocalypse Now

Okay, so AN is basically The Heart of Darkness, but we think by this point in the Seventies Hollywood was just tired of giving Francis Ford Coppola the statuette.

1980

Winner: Ordinary People

MH: Raging Bull

The easiest call for any year. When did Hollywood go full milquetoast? In the end of the Jimmy Carter era, with this film and the winner the year before focusing on domestic situations. Get a therapist, Oscar! And leave us out of it.

1981

Winner: Chariots of Fire

MH: Raiders of the Lost Ark or Gallipoli

Brits running on a beach. We get it. Gallipoli, starring a young Mel Gibson, is the superior World War I film and Raiders was simply the most entertaining movie since Rocky.

1982

Winner: Gandhi

MH: Tootsie

Is it over yet? Great humans do not always equate to captivating films. Our resistance to this film is not passive. Meanwhile, Dustin Hoffman had quite a run in the Eighties, and this is one of two films in which he was better than he’d been in K v. K. In the conversation: Sophie’s Choice and My Favorite Year.

1983

Winner: Terms Of Endearment

MH: A Christmas Story

Go ahead and laugh; which film have you seen half a dozen times and would be happy to see yet again? We even think Risky Business, perhaps the smartest teen comedy of them all, deserved the nod.

1984

Winner: Amadeus

MH: Amadeus

So many bad films were released this year, as most of the Eighties would be a fallow period for quality cinema. We’ll go with this pick due to the two outstanding performances (Tom Hulce went from kid who did it on the football field in Animal House to Best Actor to where-is-he-now?). Wouldn’t have minded seeing This Is Spinal Tap win, though. It birthed the mockumentary genre.

1985

Winner: Out Of Africa

MH: Anything Else (but we’ll go with The Breakfast Club)

Has there ever been a more honest and insightful screenplay written for and about teens?  John Hughes had to die before Oscar gave him his moment on stage a few years back, but this movie stays with you. Demented and sad, but sociable.

1986

Winner: Platoon

MH: Platoon

“I AM reality.”

1987

Winner: The Last Emperor

MH: Broadcast News

This is one of the picks about which we are most certain. BN may have been the smartest, most self-aware film of the Eighties. The kind of film you would’ve seen in the golden age of Hollywood, and yet just cynical enough to fit in with modern times.

1988

Winner: Rain Man

MH: Rain Man

1989

Winner: Driving Miss Daisy

MH: Do The Right Thing

It’s fascinating that DTRT and When Harry Met Sally were released in the same year. Either would’ve deservedly won Best Picture although they depict two completely different versions of New York City. Neither were even nominated, though you’ve seen them both and enjoyed both more than the winner.

1990

Winner: Dances With Wolves

MH: GoodFellas

The Academy screws Martin Scorcese (and Robert DeNiro and Joe Pesci) for a second time in 11 years. Another no-brainer call.

1991

Winner: The Silence of the Lambs

MH: The Silence of the Lambs

You picked the wrong year to be released, Thelma and Louise.

1992

Winner: Unforgiven

MH: Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot Unforgiven

We’re trying to tackle this the way the NFL does further review. There needs to be clear and indisputable evidence. We’d probably vote for A Few Good Men or even A River Runs Through It, but we’ll let Clint Eastwood’s film stand.

1993

Winner: Schindler’s List

MH: Schindler’s List

As much as we want to put Groundhog Day here, we’re going to let it go.

1994

Winner: Forrest Gump

MH: The Shawshank Redemption

Easily the most difficult year of the past quarter century. If you want to run with Pulp Fiction, which is superior to most of the films on this list, go right ahead. We’ll take Shawshank, narrowly. Gump isn’t bad, even if it can get corny at times. It’s just that this was an incredibly worthy field, arguably the best of our lifetimes.

1995

Winner: Braveheart

MH: Braveheart

1996

Winner: The English Patient

MH: Fargo

Elaine Benes was correct. We also love Jerry Maguire or Trainspotting here.

1997

Winner: Titanic

MH: Good Will Hunting

We know, we know. We don’t loathe Titanic the way some people do, we just love how what probably seemed like an unmarketable concept—an asexual love story between a budding genius and a middle-aged psychologist—turned out so well. And if you want to vote for Boogie Nights or L.A. Confidential, we’d support those, too.

1998

Winner: Shakespeare In Love

MH: Saving Private Ryan

Maybe Oscar felt it had already lauded Tom Hanks enough for one decade. Or He couldn’t get past the D-Day horror scene. Or, like too many of us, He had a huge crush on Gwyneth. Or Harvey W. paid for it to happen. This is one of Oscar’s major flubs, and we actually liked SIL.

1999

Winner: American Beauty

MH: The Matrix

The Matrix really is real, Neo. A prophetic and yet stylish film. Will your grandchildren just be batteries for an A.I. machine? It wasn’t even nominated.

2000

Winner: Gladiator

MH: Almost Famous

Actually, we were entertained. This is a tough call, but we’ll stick with it.

2001

Winner: A Beautiful Mind

MH: Mulholland Drive

In a pretty weak year, we’ll go with David Lynch’s bizarre glimpse at Hollywood noir.

2002

Winner: Chicago

MH: The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

Of the three, this was the best Hobbit film. And Andy Serkis deserved at least a Best Supporting Actor nomination, which he did not receive.

2003

Winner: The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

MH: Lost In Translation

Another Coppola gets screwed.

2004

Winner: Million Dollar Baby

MH: Million Dollar Baby

We really did not like this film, but what would you replace it with here? Sideways? We’ll stick with it, but we never quite understood the love. Is it okay if we just put in a Clint Eastwood film from another year that we liked better (Gran Torino)?

2005

Winner: Crash

MH: Brokeback Mountain

Hollywood’s navel-gazing indulgence pick. We halfway think this is why La La Land did not win last year.

2006

Winner: The Departed

MH: Pan’s Labyrinth

There’s just too many cell phones in this film. We’re fans of The Departed, and maybe what isn’t fair is we’re judging it against Scorcese’s snubbed films. If The Shape of Water wins Sunday, know that Pan’s is Guillermo del Toro’s better movie.

2007

Winner: No Country For Old Men

MH: No Country For Old Men

The best field of this century, as There Will Be Blood is better than most BP winners. Atonement and Michael Clayton were fantastic as well. Hollywood made growed-up, smart films this year.

2008

Winner: Slumdog Millionaire

MH: Slumdog Millionaire

2009

Winner: The Hurt Locker

MH: Inglourious Basterds or The Hangover

This is an extremely tough call. THL is the best Iraq War film, while IB has three scenes that are so adroitly written and staged that they more than compensate for the fact that Tarantino just strung the film together with big scenes as opposed to the film having any fluidity. But that’s what he do.

As for The Hangover,  it’s the smartest comedy since the original Austin Powers film and it’s the rare comedy where the story holds up from beginning to end. Also, it’s a truly original idea well-executed. Even after you know what happened to Doug, you can watch this film over and hangover. Wasn’t even nominated. Shame on you, Oscar.

2010

Winner: The King’s Speech

MH: The Social Network

The opening scene of Aaron Sorkin’s film is dialogue porn. And “The Crown” is better than KS.

2011

Winner: The Artist

MH: Midnight In Paris or Moneyball

They screwed Sorkin two years in a row. And Oscar has a restraining order out on Woody Allen now.

2012

Winner: Argo

MH: Argo

2013

Winner: 12 Years A Slave

MH: 12 Years A Slave

You remember what Ellen Degeneres said about this film in her monologue, right?

2014

Winner: Birdman

MH: Whiplash or The Great Beauty

A film actor on Broadway or a music student in Carnegie Hall? We’ll take the latter. What if Good Will Hunting had had a sadistic mentor? Here you go. Love the dinner scene.

As for The Great Beauty, it won Best Foreign Film. If you have not seen it, you’re in for a treat.

2015

Winner: Spotlight

MH: The Big Short

Spotlight was more earnest and it was easier for Hollywood to condemn the Catholic church than Wall Street. But the latter film crackled with creativity and wit. Not an easy story to tell and yet Adam McKay managed to convey the gravity and the ridiculousness of the sub-prime mortgage crisis and the crash. We’ll also listen to cries for Mad Max: Fury Road. This was the best year since 2007.

2016

Winner: Moonlight

MH: La La Land

Yeah, it falls apart some in the second half, but it’s so exhilarating and magical during the meet-cute stage, and the final song is heartbreaking. Or maybe we’re just not socially conscious enough.

2017

Winner: Three Billboards*

MH: Call Me By Your Name

*Projected winner

Dunkirk or The Shape Of Water might win as a compromise vote. We don’t see CMBYN winning, for a number of reasons, not excluding a damaged peach. CoCo, which will win for animation, was as good as anything on the list of nominated films. Three Billboards has a cast of very talented and well-liked actors (Frances McDormand, Sam Rockwell, Woody Harrelson, Peter Dinklage) in a film whose popularity flat-out confounds us.

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Okay, your turn. What did we miss?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

by John Walters

Tweets du Jour

Hope Hicks white lies
Jared’s clearance compromised
Trump is taking all the guns
Sessions’ time is almost done
Kush lands sweet loans
NRA standing alone
Maybe God lets Oprah run
Mueller watching all the fun

WE DIDN’T START THE FIRE

— Max Burns (@themaxburns) March 1, 2018

and

 

“I like taking the guns early,” President Trump says. “Take the guns first. Go through due process second” https://t.co/FwJkCrUH0C

— CNN Politics (@CNNPolitics) February 28, 2018

 “Go through due process second” equals no due process. This is definitely one of the Trump-iest things ever said.

Starting Five

Hope and Change*

*The judges will also accept “Hope-less”

It’s quite the feather in one’s cap when you can leave your White House job of your own will before your 30th birthday, but that is what White House communications director Hope Hicks is doing. The former fashion brands PR woman had worked with the Donald for three years and was known among staffers as the “Trump Whisperer.”

Only one day earlier Hicks had met with Robert Mueller’s team, although Maggie Habermas of the NYT says the timing was just a coincidence. However, CNN’s Erin Brunette reported that Trump berated Hicks after her nine-hour meeting (“How could you be so stupid!?!”) and that was the final straw. Was Hicks, who had/has been dating Rob Foster, pushed or did she jump? Does it matter what she says, since it may just be a “white lie” anyway?

The exodus list grows: Sean Spicer, Reince Priebus, Steve Bannon, Anthony Scaramucci, Rob Porter, Katie Walsh, Michael Flynn, Omarosa, Foster, and now Hicks (and that is far from a complete roster).

2. D’Antoni, Oh!

With their 105-92 victory against the Clippers last night, the Houston Rockets won their 14th straight. That’s HoRo’s second 14-game win streak of the season and they now have the NBA’s best record at 48-13.

After one quarter and one nasty James Harden crossover, Houston led 34-12. As much love as The Beard is garnering for MVP (NBA’s leading scorer at 31.3 ppg), we could have yet another Houston franchise playing for a championship. Moreover, wouldn’t it be justice to see Mike D’Antoni finally reach an NBA Finals?

Here’s a terrific stat. When D’Antoni coached Phoenix in their 2005-2006 “7 Seconds Or Less” season, the Suns shot quicker than any team in the NBA. This season all but one team releases the ball with faster in the shot clock than that Suns team did. D’Antoni changed the face of basketball.

3. Gunbelievable*

*The judges will not accept “The Marshal Plan”

On the same day that Florida’s Republican-controlled appropriations committee approved a $67 million “school marshal” program to give 10 teachers per school 132 hours of training to carry guns, and give armed teachers $500 bonuses (shouldn’t there be an added bonus for a kill shot?), a teacher in Georgia was arrested for barricading himself in a classroom and allegedly firing a live round of ammunition.

Jesse Davidson, 53, a social studies teacher at Dalton High School, was charged with “aggravated assault, carrying weapon on school grounds, terroristic threats, reckless conduct, possession of gun during commission of a crime, and disrupting public school.” Soon, though, if he lived in Florida, he might be charged with none of these crimes and instead be given $500.

Meanwhile at the Sanctuary Church in Newfoundland, Pa., less than a two-hour drive from New York City, a dozen or so couples gathered to exchange or renew wedding vows while clutching their AR-15’s, in accordance with God’s will. They’re not out to harm anyone, they say, but you can’t be too careful these days. There are a lot of crazies out there. It feels as if too many people have been watching The Walking Dead for too long.

4. Bonzie’s Back

Did you really think you’d never see Bonzie Colson, arguably the most popular Notre Dame hoopster of the past decade, suit up for the Fighting Irish again? The four-and-finished senior returned for Senior Night in South Bend after missing nearly two months and 15 games with a foot injury. The Irish beat winless-in-the-ACC Pitt 73-56 to move to 18-12 as Colson scored 12 points and had nine rebounds in limited minutes.

Can the Irish, who were ranked as high as No. 5 in the nation in early December, make the Big Dance? They visit No. 1 Virginia on Saturday and then it’s off to the ACC tourney in Brooklyn. Beat the Wahoos and win at least two games in the tourney and they’re in, we feel. If they don’t beat the Wahoos but keep it close, it’s probably a coin toss. Either way, the team’s two seniors, Colson and Matt Farrell, have been part of an era in which the Irish have been to a pair of Elite Eights and to the Round of 32. The committee may give a 20-win Irish team the benefit of the doubt.

5. London Falling

First it rained in Paris. Then it rained in Rome and we wrote, “London, you’re next.” Guess what?

While it’s been an extremely mild winter here in Gotham (we know someone who went out in cargo shorts and a rugby shirt and ate lunch al fresco yesterday), Europe is being blanketed by snow. Northern Spain also received some as did the island of Corsica. Is Bethlehem next?

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Earlier this week MH passed our 500,000th Unique Visitor, which is to say that Susie B. and Jacob are not our only two readers. Thank you for visiting. If you’re ever in the mood for showing your appreciation in a pecuniary fashion, our PayPal address is trumansparks88@gmail.com. We think. 

Music 101

Near Wild Heaven

Yes, we’ve already tackled an REM song this week, but the staff came across this dreamy performance of the band’s 1991 Brian Wilson-inspired sunny pop tune by a prep school ensemble. As near as we can guess, this is the International School of Minnesota located in Eden Prairie. We hope this group got an “A.”

Remote Patrol

My Fair Lady

10:15 p.m. TCM

Why stop now with the TCM love fest? Audrey Hepburn in her all-time most delightful role (don’t @ me, Roman Holiday fans) as Eliza Doolittle, even if she did lip-synch her tunes. Rex Harrison as Professor Henry Higgins also charmed in this Best Picture winner from 1965.