Monthly Archives: February 2018

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 3 Comments

by John Walters

Starting Five

The play of the game: Brandon Graham with the strip sack of Tom Brady. No Tuck Rule to save the Pats this time.

Philly, Philly*

*The judges will also accept “The Philadelphia Glory” and “Beak Condition”

Philadelphia, the city of Rocky Balboa, hoagies and Harold Carmichael (but not of Hoagy Carmichael), wins Super Bowl LII, 41-33. It is the Eagles’ first Super Bowl victory.

Harold Carmichael, who at 6’8″ was a freak in his day.

–The Eagles and Patriots combined for 1,151 yards, breaking the all-time record for ANY NFL game ever played. E-vah. The previous record of 1,133 yards was set in 1950 when the  Los Angeles Rams and the New York Yanks (yes, a real team) tangled. The Rams won 43-35 in a game that was played at…Yankee Stadium.

The Yanks, who lasted all of 2 seasons

—Tom Brady, in a losing effort, broke his own Super Bowl passing yardage record (466 yards) with 505 yards. He also threw for three TDs and zero interceptions. No NFL QB has ever thrown for 500 yards and three TDs without a pick and lost. E-vah.

–The game MVP was Eagles QB Nick Foles, who was not the QB the Eagles selected No. 2 overall in the draft before the 2016 season. Foles became the first player in NFL history to both throw and catch a touchdown pass in a Super Bowl. We think the Eagles stole the play, on 4th-and-goal from the one, from Oklahoma in the Rose Bowl. Just a minor alteration.

—Both Brady and Foles completed 28 passes.

 

–The Eagles’ coach, Doug Pederson, is in his first second season.

—There were no touchdown receptions that were overruled on review, in fact there were no calls reversed, and everyone was pleased.

 

—Al Michaels referred to the Detroit Lions as the Pistons, Cris Collinsworth would have overturned both Eagles’ TD catches in the second half, and both of them really got off on saying “RPO,” even if a play was not a run-pass option.

2. No Ifs, Ands or Butler

Butler (21) dressed out and never played

Fact: No New England Patriot defender played more snaps this season than cornerback Malcolm Butler, who was on the field for 97.8% of them. The fourth-year pro also made the Pro Bowl in 2015, was a second-team All-Pro last season and, oh, made arguably the most pivotal play in Super Bowl history three years ago to secure Super Bowl XLIX for the Pats.

For some reason on Sunday night Butler did not play a single defensive snap. His replacement, Greg Eric Rowe, only found out he’d be starting shortly before kickoff. Coach Bill Belichick was his usual cryptic and evasive self when asked about Butler’s DNP, calling it a “coaching decision.” Butler simply said, “They gave up on me. F**k. It is what it is.”

No one in New England will ever forget this play

Makes little sense. Butler was likely informed very shortly before kickoff and you have to wonder why Belichick would have him dress out or not put him on the inactive list. You also have to wonder how the other Pats felt about this decision, considering a player such as Butler could have made the difference in a contest that saw a few second-half lead changes.

Fortunately, Boston is not the type of city that feasts on palace intrigue, so I’m sure this story will die very soon. 🙂

3. Jack, O Lantern*

*The judges will also accept “Blaze of Gory” or “You’re Fired!”

The fire itself did not kill Jack Pearson, the Peerless Patriarch of This Is Us(eless). It turns out John Elway did.

Maybe I wasn’t watching closely, but the family was asleep in their beds, then they were awakened by the fire, then Jack rescued everyone including the pooch and some family photo albums, then he went down to the hospital to be examined, and then he keeled over as he was watching the Super Bowl???? Whaaaaat?????? So they were asleep and then an hour or so later the Super Bowl was on? Huh?

Now, perhaps what Jack was watching at the hospital were post-game highlights (the doc said something about Elway finally winning one, but if that’s true who goes to sleep DURING the Super Bowl?). Also, in present-day, the mom is watching the game in New Jersey (?) but it’s light outside as she’s talking to one of her sons on the phone? What? Hunh?

Also, just a note, but why was the family using Super Bowl Sunday to mark the 20th anniversary of Jack’s death on a previous Super Bowl Sunday, when the one happened on a January 25th and this one is February 4th. The family wasn’t even watching the game. It may have had a little cross-promoting to do with the other show NBC had on last night?

4. And The Oscar For Eggs-cellence Goes To…*

*The judges will not accept “Yolk? Oh, oh no.”

Scrambled. Soft-boiled. Hard-boiled. Why have eggs come to play such a prominent role in this year’s Best Picture oeuf-re? SPOILER ALERTS APLENTY TO COME:

—In Phantom Thread, a mushroom omelette plays a pivotal role in the climactic scene.

—In Call Me By Your Name, one of the two main characters takes sensuous pleasure in ripping into soft-boiled eggs for breakfast before declaring, “Later.”

—And in The Shape Of Water, hard-boiled eggs are the bait that our mute heroine uses as bait to initiate a friendship with a river god.

Where were all the provocative pancake films in 2017? The blintz breakthroughs? The mueslix movies?

5. Sasquatch What Happens Next

In the state of Washington, senator Ann Rivers (R) has introduced a bill to create a special license plate honoring the Sasquatch, a.k.a. Bigfoot. In what may be a related story, recreational marijuana is legal in the Evergreen State.

Rivers is proposing a $40 price tag for the plates, $28 of which will go to public parks in the state. The funny thing about a Sasquatch license plate, of course, is that there are people who are claiming that they’ve already seen one.

Music 101

Philadelphia Freedom

I mean, why not? The fourth of Elton John‘s SIX No. 1 hits in the 1970s was actually written as an anthem for his friend, Billie Jean King, who played for a professional tennis team of the same name at the time in 1975.

Remote Patrol

The War

Netflix

Football’s over and March Madness is MORE THAN FIVE LONG WEEKS away. If you were ever going to invest yourself in an outstanding and exhaustive documentary on World War 2 by Ken Burns, this is the time to do so. Also recommend Band of Brothers on HBO Now or HBO Go.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 5 Comments

by John Walters

Starting Five

High Nunes*

*The judges will also accept “Memo?…Random!” or “Addition by Distraction”

The average mouth-breather in a MAGA hat has already made “Release the memo!”  their 2018 “Benghazi!”, which is to say they couldn’t put together 15 coherent words on the topic. Ostensibly, Devin Nunes, the Chairman of the House Intelligence Committee, is upset about how the FBI obtained a FISA warrant against Carter Page. Never mind the reasons behind why FBI was under surveillance, never mind that Christopher Steele’s dossier is factually accurate, never mind that they were applying for an extension of an already-granted warrant, etc, etc.

When The Schiff Hits The Fan: Democrat Adam Schiff is not the guy who breaks news on where Kirk Cousins is headed, in case you were confused….

Anyway, what’s really going on here is your prez and mine, Donald Trump, is trying to shift your gaze from the investigation into his campaign’s alleged collusion with Trump. It’s his go-to strategy: accuse your accuser of that which you are suspected of.

Meanwhile, did Donny, Jr., just say that Andrew McCabe did not in fact resign but was fired (by his pop)?

 

2. Updating The McAfee Meter

 

We haven’t gazed at the McAfee Meter, which we invented in late December, lately. The MM calculates how much value Bitcoin must gain daily in order for billionaire John McAfee to avoid having to ingest his genitals after the last day of 2020 thanks to a proclamation he made.

So let’s look at the numbers: McAfee has 1,064 days remaining. The price of Bitcoin is as of this very moment $7,884 (more than $10,000 lower than when we were measuring this every day).

Why is this man smiling?

So…

$1,000,000 minus $7,884 equals….$992,116

And $992,116 divided by 1,064 equals…$932 per day.

At today’s price, Bitcoin must leap 11.8% per day for McAfee to avoid, um, doubling down on himself.

3. Suspensions of Disbelief

In the United Arab Emirates, the world’s longest zip line—1.76 miles—makes its debut. The wire extends from atop Jebel Jais mountain, which is the UAE’s highest peak and more than one mile above sea level (5,512 feet). The ride lasts nearly three minutes.

 

Meanwhile, in New Zealand, the Nevis Swing, which is the World’s Largest Swing and offers riders an arc of 900 feet, will put you back $210.

4. Fantastic Finish—Or Was It?

If you looked at the NBA TV schedule for last night, you may not have been terribly enthused about OKC at Denver for the late game. But it was a bucket-fest that Doug Moe would have enjoyed. The Nuggets won 127-124 on this Gary Harris three (Russell Westbrook’s fingertip may have grazed it) at the buzzer.

 

Of course, the play should have been waved off. The inbounder, Nikola Jokic, took more than five seconds to throw in the ball (If you’re wondering, Didn’t he also travel? Well, he did, but the rule is that the player “shall not…leave the designated throw-in spot,” which allows the ref leeway in terms of a traveling violation), which is a no-no. The NBA doesn’t care, while the NFL spends five minutes trying to determine if something is a catch. Can’t we meet in the middle somewhere?.

Moments earlier….

 

Also, ESPN will attempt to make something out of this nontroversy (it’s the lead story on ESPN.com’s lineup right now), but why is that fan on the court and heckling Russ? By the way, Russ finished with 20 points, 21 assists and 9 boards. Some wonder if he was lingering near the rim on that final play in search of a triple-double.

 

5. Otter, Gopher, Phil

In his life, Harold Ramis (who died four years ago) co-wrote the Holy Trinity of modern film comedies: Animal House, Caddyshack and Groundhog Day. As today is Februay 2nd, we thought it worth pointing out that all three of those films have small, furry creatures, two of which are rodents:

Groundhog Day: Punxsutawney Phil

Caddyshack: Mr. Gopher

Animal House: Otter

Music 101

There’s No Home For You Here

A face-melting rocker from The White Stripes off their 2003 album, Elephant. 

Remote Patrol

Fiddler On The Roof

10:30 p.m. TCM

Zero Mostel Topol (nominated for a Best Actor Oscar) stars as a Jewish milkman trying to make the Ukraine great again, or something like that. We may hit Zabar’s for some matzoh ball soup and Gefilte fish for a viewing party.

 

LAPD TO ROBERT WAGNER: “WE NEED TO HAVE A HART TO HART TALK

by John Walters | 1 Comment

by John Walters

Wood and Wagner were married twice….

Robert Wagner may have played No. 2 in the Austin Powers films, but LA homicide detectives have always wondered if, in the case of his spouse’s death, he’s Dr. Evil. On the night of November 29, 1981, actress Natalie Wood apparently fell overboard from a yacht that was moored off Catalina Island. Wood, Wagner, actor Christopher Walken and the yacht’s captain were onboard.

The death was ruled accidental but has long been shrouded in suspicion as Wood was found with bruises on her arms. Also, the most popular high school joke of the next few months was, Q: What type of wood does not float? A: Natalie.

Anyway, at the time of Wood’s death Wagner co-starred in a hit ABC series titled Hart To Hart in which he and his onscreen wife (played by Stefanie Powers) were wealthy sleuths. The tagline for the show was, “When they met, it was murder.”

That’s what LAPD seems to want to know now, after all these years.  He has officially been named a “person of interest” in Wood’s death for the first time. Remember, there is no statute of limitations on murder. Don’t know what new evidence has, um, surfaced for his status to have changed. We’ll have to stay tuned.

Wood, by the way, wasn’t just any actress. She’d been America’s sweetheart since childhood, with prominent roles in Miracle On 34th Street, Rebel Without A Cause, The Searchers, Splendor in the Grass and of course West Side Story. 

EVEN MORE IS HAPPENING!

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by John Walters

We finished up early and it’s either this or household chores, so consider this a free batch of IAH! on top of the already free batch!

Addendum

Taken 4

Someone stole Red Panda’s unicycle (Jeff Gillooly’s alibi is solid). It’s time to dispatch Liam Neeson. He is someone with a very specific set of skills who will be able to find the missing apparatus for someone with a very specific set of skills.

Loyalty Oaths…

Milo Minderbinder, as played by Angelina Jolie’s pop….

…went out of style with Milo Minderbinder in Catch-22 (you’ve never read it?!? OMG!), but no one ever informed Donald Trump, who apparently met Rod Rosenstein shortly after he was installed as acting Attorney General for Use Your Collusion I and asked, “Are you on my team?” That’s pretty much all you need to know about 45, isn’t it?

Beekeeper

Does Hope Float (Or At Least Will Her Alibi?)

Is Keri Russell still young enough to play her in the HBO movie “The Worst Wing” that I should be writing right now?

The latest person whose career may likely go down in a raging inferno due to her proximity to Trump? The lovely Hope Hicks, who (ew!) used to date Corey Lewandowski.

First/Worst Lady

It’s Toasted!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QKcneQ6N50Q

In which Trump’s appointee as Director of the CDC, Dr. Brenda Fitzgerald, resigns after it is learned that one of her stock market picks is a tobacco company. Cigarette smoking is responsible for one in every five deaths in the USA each year.

Maggie On Trump

Music 101 

Kissing The Lipless

For years indie bands were shoe-gazing, too cool by a half types whose only credo was to not care too much. Then in the early aughts along came The Shins, born in Albuquerque and polished in Portland. This is the lead track from their second album, Chutes Too Narrow, released in 2003. James Mercer’s earnest and soaring vocals are a terrific counterbalance to the unpredictable guitar spikes (I’ve been reading, and plagiarizing, more AllMusic album review lately).

Remote Patrol

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | Leave a comment

by John Walters

Starting Five

All They Do Is Win, Win, Win….

Last week we told you about Division III defending national champion Amherst, which has a 53-game win streak and whose coach, G.P. Gromacki, actually has a better overall career win percentage than that of UConn’s Geno Auriemma. The Mammoths are 20-0.

Fralick, right in dark top, is building a dynasty in northern Ohio

We neglected to mention the Division II national champions, Ashland (Ohio), who have won 57 in a row, are also 20-0 this season, and who have a third-year coach, Robyn Fralick, whose career win percentage is even superior to the G-men noted above. Fralick’s two-plus season record is 88-2 (.978), which is ridonk, as the kids used to say (Do the kids still say that)? Also, the Davidson alum’s husband is an unpaid assistant coach on the staff. Niiiiiiice.

2. Finding Memo*

FBI director Chris Wray is a double Yalie

Let’s distill all of this FBI/secret memo/Devun Nunes/Worst Wing-Russia shenanigans into a few Guns ‘n Roses puns: It began with Use Your Collusion and has devolved into Appetite For Distraction. That’s really all you need to know.

*The judges confess they have not much to add on this topic, but that they found the headline irresistible.

3. Where’s Pierre?

Lost at sea: 54 year-old Pierre Agnes, president of Quiksilver, the Huntington Beach-based surfwear company. The France-based Agnes went out fishing alone on his boat off the southern French coast, near the Spanish border, Tuesday morning and then radioed in that he was delaying his return due to heavy fog.

Agnes went out fishing solo and likely was not wearing a life vest. Only Rob Konrad can get away with that, don’t you know?

A few hours later his boat washed ashore in the above condition. We’re not overly nautical, but that doesn’t look promising (we’re guessing a rogue wave capsized it and threw Agnes overboard?). After a two-day search-and-rescue operation yielded no sign of Agnes, French officials called it off. He is now Agnes of God.

4. AFRO-disiac

Former San Diego Padre, Cleveland Indian and New York Yankee Oscar Gamble passes at the age of 68.  Gamble played 17 seasons for seven teams, mostly with the Yanks, though he never won a World Series with them. Gamble was known for his lefty power (200 career home runs in an era when a 20-home run season was notable) and for having a terrific sense of humor.

That ‘do was Oscar-worthy….

5. Separated at Birth?

Queens native Walken was 27 at the time….

Noticed this while seeing a deep-cut early Seventies cult classic, The Anderson Tapes (1971; starring Sean Connery, Dyan Cannon, Alan King, Martin Balsam and making his film debut, Christopher Walken), the other night. Above, that’s a young man Walken.

Orr, four years younger than Walken, was about 30 when this pic was taken

And directly above, that’s lead vocalist Benjamin Orr of The Cars, circa 1978 (Orr died in 2000, alas).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jD7940dV4ak

By the way, how did we not know about this movie? An action-comedy-heist that also has an early Garrett Morris, pre-SNL, and probably the best car crash scene ever filmed on Fifth Avenue.

Reserves

Consider this an unpaid endorsement for Netflix programming:

No one does miserable quite like Tennant

–HIGHLY recommend Season 1 of Broadchurch and the phenomenal performance by David Tennant as Deputy Inspector Alec Hardy. We’ve previously recommended it, but now we are going to strenuously object if you don’t view it. Also, if you’ve seen it or are just starting, watch the High Street scene about four minutes in, in which as the viewer you don’t realize it at the moment, but you’re meeting nearly every pertinent character in the story.

Doug Kenney: the ultimate sad clown

–Also HIGHLY recommend A Futile And Stupid Gesture, the biopic of troubled comic genius Doug Kenney, who co-founded National Lampoon and co-wrote Animal House and Caddyshack. He died, possible suicide, less than six weeks after the latter film came out; at the time he believed it, and by extension himself, was a colossal failure. Never mind that he knew Animal House was the most successful comedy of all time at the time.

Starring Will Forte as Kenney, the film is mostly hilarious with brush strokes of genius in terms of narrative strategy. Domhnall Gleeson, as Kenney’s Lampoon partner-in-crime Henry Beard, is also outstanding, and delivers the best magazine I’m-outta-here speech I’ve ever heard: “Good luck, f**k you, goodbye.”

Music 101

The Weight

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sjCw3-YTffo

Enigmatic and biblical, an epic masterpiece The Band off their 1968 debut album. If you’re scoring at home, that’s Levon Holm, Mavis Staples, Pops Staples and then Rick Danko taking turns with the verses. And Robbie Robertson, who wrote the tune, on the double-necked guitar. Nazareth, Pa., is the home of Martin Guitars. I’m not sure if that’s what Robertson intended by including that town’s name, or if it is was only  coincidence.

The song originally peaked at No. 63 on the U.S. charts, but has since become an essential component of the metaphorical American songbook.

Remote Patrol

UConn at South Carolina

7 p.m. ESPN

Gabby Williams is one of six Huskies averaging double figures in scoring….

The Huskies have won 131 of their past 132 games and four of the past five national championships. The Gamecocks are the defending national champions, who beat the team that beat UConn—Mississippi State, who incidentally is undefeated this season—in the semis.  The Lady Roosters (just go with it) are 18-3 this season.