Monthly Archives: January 2018

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 5 Comments

by John Walters

Canadians are the best…

 

Starting Five

1. At Ease With Aziz?*

*The judges will not accept “Master Of Nuns”

Nearly 40 years ago there was a highly progressive and controversial sitcom (what’s a sitcom?) on TV that was titled Three’s Company (Why was it controversial? Because a man lived with two females, even though it was completely platonic). Even though I watched it as a tween, I’ve never forgotten the scene in which Janet and Chrissy (or was it one of the post-Chrissy blondes?) are discussing bad dates. Janet says, “Why can’t men understand that ‘NO!’ means ‘No’?….(waits a beat)….Except when it doesn’t?”

Granted, that line was probably written by a man. I don’t know.

All of which is to say that I’m not ready to place Aziz Ansari in the class of Harvey Weinstein or Kevin Spacey. The mating dance among singles is highly complex and while you sit in your cubicle judging Ansari for his behavior on a date, it’s not after midnight and alcohol isn’t involved at your desk and as soon as we get to signing consent forms and asking for a verbal yes on dates as if we’re asking if we have permission to intubate your loved one (I didn’t even think of the symbolic parallel before I typed that), we’re heading down a miserable path.

And that’s all I have to say about that…for now.

2. The Beatles Begged You To Do This 50 Years Ago!

The most intriguing news of today thus far to us is that Great Britain has appointed a Minister for Loneliness. Tracey Crouch, above, has been put in charge of forming a ministry for the estimated 9 to 11 million people in the U.K. who feel lonely. Is this what Brexit hath wrought?

First house call, of course, should be to one Eleanor Rigby….

3. Amazon Finalists

“You want me to move to Newark?!?”

This morning Amazon, playing this up for all its worth, released its list of 20 finalist cities for its second major base of operations. We shall now proceed to the evening gown competition.

In case you were wondering, the island of Themyscira did not make the list but the island of Manhattan has. Or at least New York City, so perhaps Long Island?

Here is the complete list. Expect Amazon to set up its second facility in the Eastern time zone:
Atlanta, GA; Austin, TX; Boston, MA; Chicago, IL; Columbus, OH; Dallas, TX; Denver, CO; Indianapolis, IN; Los Angeles, CA; Miami, FL; Montgomery County, MD; Nashville, TN; Newark, NJ; New York City, NY; Northern Virginia, VA; Philadelphia, PA; Pittsburgh, PA; Raleigh, NC; Toronto ON; and Washington D.C.

4. Larsen-y

This is Ripple co-founder Chris Larsen, 57, who when his cryptocurrency soared to a value of $3.84 on January 4 found himself to be, on paper at least (notes the irony of talking about the net worth of a crypto-billionaire using the words “on paper”), wealthier than Mark Zuckerberg. Larsen was worth $59.9 billion.

But yesterday Ripple (XRP) plunged to a value of $1.13, meaning that Larsen had lost $44 billion of his net value (and how does anyone expect to get by in Silicon Valley on $15 billion, right?). The good news for Larsen is that this morning Ripple is up 69% to $1.84. And you say trading cryptocurrencies aren’t fun? Let’s listen to what another billionaire, T. Boone Pickens, had to say about them yesterday:

 

By the way, GBTC is up 12% this morning. Crypto is a roller-coaster. If you don’t have the stomach for it, go ride the tea cups…

5. Jo Jo White

White’s and Walt Frazier’s battles were intense

My favorite basketball team was, is and likely always will be the 1972-1973 New York Knicks. Every great team needs a nemesis, and for those Knicks it was the Boston Celtics, who were led by forward John Havlicek, center Dave Cowens and point guard Jo Jo White. A Hall of Famer who played at Kansas, White died yesterday at the age of 71.

A seven-time All-Star, the 6’3″ White never led the NBA in any stats, but he was smart and tenacious and just a true pain in the ass, and I mean that as a compliment. The Knicks won in seven games in the Eastern Conference finals that season, winning Game 7 at the Boston Garden, something that just did not happen back then.

White versus the Suns

Three years later, White would not only play in the famous triple-overtime NBA Finals win versus another favorite team of mine, the ’76 Suns, but if you check out the stat sheet from that contest he was the game’s leading scorer (33 points) and led in assists (9) He played 60 minutes that night. White would be named MVP of the 1976 NBA Finals.

White also played in 488 consecutive games for the Celtics and was a key part of two NBA championship teams.

Reserves

We couldn’t move on until we at least noted the following….

—Mekhi Brown, the Alabama special teams stud who went after a Tide assistant coach on the sidelines during the national championship game, has left Tuscaloosa and plans to enroll at Tennessee State, where coach-punching is already a thing, as you may recall…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6Kx5ry8aQs

–Mel Kiper, Jr., released his first NFL mock draft and has the Browns selecting Wyoming quarterback Josh Allen No. 1 overall, the Giants taking Josh Rosen and the Broncos, at No. 5, selecting Sam Darnold. If the Browns take Allen they’ll be laughed out of the hemisphere, by the way.

The truly smart picks in this draft are Saquon Barkley, Minkah Fitzpatrick and Quenton Nelson. Guaranteed future Pro Bowlers. Gua-RON-teed.

–A woman named Kirstjen Nielsen, the most Nordic-sounding named Secretary of Homeland Security we’ve ever had, claimed under oath that she was unaware if Norway is a predominantly white country. Really. Really. On today’s episode of The Worst Wing….

Music 101

She Sells Sanctuary

Lead singer Ian Astbury has never become a household name, unless you live with a post-punk/heavy-metal-goth sibling, but The Cult was one of the hardest-rocking bands in the Eighties and certainly the hardest-rocking outfit from England. This 1985 face-melter with the classic opening riff gave bands like The Church a few ideas for later on.

Remote Patrol

Mindhunter

Netflix

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7gZCfRD_zWE

Reviewers are calling this “Netflix’s most binge-worthy original series yet,” and having fallen down a four-episode rabbit hole last night/this morning, I agree. The true story of the two FBI agents who basically invented psychological criminal profiling, the series is thus far highly engrossing without ever being gross. And I never even knew about Edmund Kemper, California’s highly intelligent, 6’9″, 270-pound “Coed Killer,” who speaks to the Feds and is still alive today. Show runner David Fincher, who directed Zodiac, directs this with a similar feel. Excellent.

Yes, but would it make a good musical?

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 1 Comment

by John Walters

Starting Five

1. Seoul Brothers*

*The judges will also accept “KoKo” and “Kim Jong-Unprecedented”

In a 38th-unparalleled move, the bickering nations of North Korea and South Korea announced that they will field a joint women’s ice-hockey team and march as one delegation under a unified Korean flag at the Pyeongchang Olympics next month. Who thaw that coming?

2. Let’s Get Physical

Congratulations to President Trump, who after a half-century as an adult standing 6’2″ has, as of yesterday according to the results of his physical, grown an inch to 6’3″ as a 71 year-old man. I guess the Oval Office truly does add stature. In related news, the Fake News Awards are scheduled to be held today.

Trump is also generously listed at 239 pounds, which as one tweep noted, could set off a “girther” issue.

3. Bitcoin Bust?

What did Margot Robbie say about “sub-prime?”

MH’s stock pick for 2018, Bitcoin Investment Trust (GBTC), is down 17% this morning, as the Monday morning quarterbacks come to feast on its carcass. Full disclosure, we own one (1) share of GBTC right now.

Are Bitcoin and cryptocurrencies being exposed as a fraud/scam/pyramid scheme, or is this just a monstrous swing of the pendulum, abetted by the words of the Oracle of Omaha last week? We’ll see.

Worth noting that most crypto experts predicted that bitcoin would suffer huge pullbacks in 2018 before ultimately doubling in price above $40,000. One Bitcoin is as we type this currently worth $9,503, down from $14,000-plus just last week.

Our advice (feel free to assess it at the value of which you are paying for it): Jump in to GBTC if/when it dips below $1,200 and in the meantime, take a close look at our new favorite stocks, Boeing (BA) and VMWare (VMW).

4. Tragedy In Pullman

Hilinski (3), a redshirt sophomore from Claremont, Calif, was 21. He was expected to be Wazzu’s starter in 2018.

Less than one month after completing 39 of 50 passes in Washington State’ Holiday Bowl loss to Michigan State, Cougar quarterback Tyler Hilinski apparently commits suicide in his Pullman apartment. Hilinski, a backup who started in place of Luke Falk for the Cougars’ bowl game, was found dead with a gunshot wound to the head. The sophomore from Claremont, Calif., left a suicide note.

5. He Actually WAS Awesome

I came across this comedy act for “Britain’s Got Talent” and like you, was prepared to be disappointed by “Johnny Awsum,” but like the judges, was pleasantly surprised. It’s dated, but who cares? It’s great.

Music 101

Short Skirt/Long Jacket

“With fingernails that shine like justice…” and “She’s touring the facility/And picking up slack...” This slice of Cake wasn’t for everybody, as their official video was happy to illustrate, but this 2001 tune from the Sacramento-based band is one of the smarter tunes of the 21st century.

Remote Patrol

Fake News Awards

Time & Channel TBA

First they were supposed to take place about 10 days ago. Then they were delayed. Now they may not happen. I hope the first award is given to Donald Trump for promising that he had proof that his predecessor was not born in Hawaii.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 5 Comments

by John Walters

Starting Five

Vendela: Imagine what she could contribute to America

Viking Quest*

*The judges will also accept, “You Go Norway And I’ll Go Mine”

Today’s weird thought: A majority of the Minnesota Vikings’ roster, and I’m assuming here (I haven’t line-itemed this), is comprised of African-Americans who, by (Trump’s) definition, hail from “shithole” countries. And yet these players represent a team whose mascot is a historical figure, hailing from what is present-day Norway, whose main claim to fame is that of being foreign invaders and rapists.

Or, as the inimitable Josh Brown put it…

 

Just your typical Norseman….

2. Many Happy Returns

All in one day, Clemson All-American defensive lineman Christian Wilkins, Stanford’s Heisman runner-up Bryce Love, and Notre Dame’s leading tackle Te’Von Coney, all announce that they will return for their senior seasons.

One more year

Wilkins has been to the college football playoff three times in three years and will be part of a Tiger D-line that returns three All-Americans. Coney did not start until Notre Dame’s sixth game but led all Irish tacklers by at least 24 tackles and was the leading tackler in bowl season, with 17 in the Citrus Bowl. Irish nose tackle Jerry Tillery will also return (as will Drue Tranquill).

The middle of the field is now Coney Island

As for Bryce Love, we’d NEVER presume to tell a college kid what he should do with the Stay in School or Go Pro choice, but we will offer up these notes: 1) no position takes more abuse than running back and 2) no Power 5 coach we know of seems more blithely unconcerned about keeping a hurt player out of a game than David Shaw. The good news is that Love could actually win the Heisman next season and proceed directly to medical school if he desires.

3. Martin Luther King, Jr., and Capitalism

As we look back on MLK Day (What did you shoot, Donald?…No, really?), you might want to remember that the Rev. Dr. King had some blunt thoughts not just about race but about capitalism. Two of our favorites:

“[Capitalism] started out with a noble and high motive… but like most human systems it fell victim to the very thing it was revolting against. So today capitalism has out-lived its usefulness.”

And…

“We must recognize that we can’t solve our problem now until there is a radical redistribution of economic and political power… this means a revolution of values and other things. We must see now that the evils of racism, economic exploitation and militarism are all tied together… you can’t really get rid of one without getting rid of the others… the whole structure of American life must be changed. America is a hypocritical nation and [we] must put [our] own house in order.”

For the record, I was an avowed capitalist until I saw what happened in 2008 and 2009. That’s when the nation’s staunchest capitalists, investment banks, suddenly became socialist when their own businesses failed (failures that they themselves incited). In a true capitalism system, those banks would have gone out of business and someone else would have come in to fill the vacuum. After all, capitalist theory espouses that where there is a market for a good, someone will come in to create that good.

So what we learned in 2008-2009 is not that America believes in capitalism, but that it believes in white power institutionalism. And you’re either in that small circle or you’re f****ed. American capitalism, the sub-prime mortgage crisis proved beyond a doubt, is a charade.

Trump golfed on MLK Day. His golf outings alone have cost American taxpayers $50 million this year and it still hasn’t been an entire year yet

And so Dr. King knew all of this. And militarism is just an excuse to keep the majority of the populace afraid and uneducated, because stupid Americans make fantastic patriots. Meanwhile, imagine if the military budget was reduced by just 1/10th (we’d still be by far the most militarized nation on earth) and that we created STARTING salaries for teachers at $100,000.

And some moron is going to say, “Well, they’re not worth that much,” but they sure would be soon, because as soon as that’s the starting salary for teachers, then you’re going to get a much, much, much more competitive job market. In fact, it’ll be like trying to get into law school or even medical school. And with that more competitive job market we’d get a higher overall class of teachers and in a decade or two a better-educated populace.

But if you’re already white and already economically in control, why the hell would you want that, right? Do I sound angry? I am.

Meanwhile, check out this site….

4.  Locker Room Squawk

Apparently, the Rockets and Clippers got ensconced in some type of postgame locker room  fiasco that was definitely not the most fitting tribute to the memory of Dr. King and nonviolent resistance. A friendly reminder that it is January in the NBA and the players are nearly as bored as you are (the Clippers won by 11 as Lou Williams put up 31 as the weirdest sports renaissance of the NBA season continues).

Meanwhile in Cleveland, the Warriors shut down the Fighting Sweet Peas, outscoring them by 17 in the second half to cruise home with a 10-point win. Golden State has won 7 of 8 from their three-time NBA Finals nemesis.

5. Doctor Evil

Nothing to add here, just watch…

Larry Nassar was employed by the Michigan State athletic department…

 

Music 101

Linger

That voice. That soft, haunting, sorrowful Irish voice. Dolores O’Riordan and the Cranberries crashed onto FM radio and the MTV in 1993 and there was no mistaking her gift. The song went to No. 8 in the U.S. and remained on the charts for 24 weeks, nearly six full months. In the last days when MTV truly mattered as a vehicle for music, the Cranberries were one of the channel’s bigger mainstays. O’Riordan died unexpectedly at the age of 46 in London yesterday.

Remote Patrol

Australian Open

9:30 p.m. ESPN

Winter’s great annual sports escape, live from Melbourne.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 1 Comment

by John Walters

Starting Five

1. Can You Diggs It?*

*The judges will also accept “Feeling Minnesota” but not “Minnesota Miracle”

You saw it. Case Keenum to Stefon Diggs for 61 yards and the win as New Orleans rookie safety Marcus Williams almost inexplicably whiffs on the play. As Fox announcer Troy Aikman aptly put it, “I’m not sure what he was thinking,” and our only guess is he was afraid that he’d arrived too early and get a DPI. Weirdly, Williams made an interception on pretty much the same route in the third quarter.

(Minnesotans know what it’s like to be on the other end of this)

Minnesota Miracle? Fine. For those of us who were kids and remember the pandemonium of Terry Bradshaw to Franco Harris in Pittsburgh or Roger Staubach to Drew Pearson in Minnesota, this moment joins them. Unlike those two, though, this was the last play of the game. So it’s almost more like Tua Tagovailoa to DaVonte Smith.

Good for you, Minnesota. When it’s 0 degrees outside, you deserve at least this much. Will you be back in this stadium in three weeks? We’ll see.

2. Huddle Up!

At the Houston 1/2 Marathon, Notre Dame alum Molly Huddle runs a 1:07:25 to break the American record for women. Great job!

In related news, this Notre Dame alum, a few years Huddle’s senior, ran a 1:41 in the 1/2 at the Phoenix Rock n Roll 1/2 Marathon yesterday. And earned a free Michelob Ultra. So wins all around.

3. Project Runway

In Turkey, all 162 passengers plus the crew survive when a Pegasus Airlines flight slides off an icy runway and over a cliff, nearly plunging into the Black Seas. Was this the weekend’s more inconceivable crash or was the one in the next item?

4. Vin Diesel Was Nowhere To Be Found

In Santa Ana, California, a vehicle carrying two people and probably going at an unsafe rate of speed crashes into the second floor of a dentist’s office and creates its own Farmers Insurance commercial (“We know a few things because we’ve seen a few things”). No one was injured because the crash occurred at 5:30 a.m., but you’re going to have to postpone that root canal. This reminds me, Bullitt was on over the weekend if you’ve never seen it.

5. Goodnight, Keith Jackson

On Friday night, The Voice of College Football, Keith Jackson, passed away at the age of 89. Here’s my tribute to him in The Athletic. 

Reserves

The late Notre Dame president Fr. Ted Hesburgh with MLK

The New York Times has a special tribute waiting for Donald Trump on the occasion of his first Martin Luther King Day in office.

Music 101

Shiny Happy People

For many, this REM tune off 1991’s Out Of Time is when the Athens-based band jumped the shark. Not me. I love it. Just the sequence of vocals from Mike Mills to the B-52’s Kate Pierson to Michael Stipe makes it perfect. Even if comedian Denis Leary famously ranted, “I want the shiny people over here, and the happy people over here, okay, I represent the angry, gun-toting, meat-eating people.”

Remote Patrol

Warriors vs. Cavs

8 p.m. TNT

We run this pic of Sweet Pea in hopes that when Susie B. gets to 40-bagger status on AMZN, she’ll hit up our PayPal account

The second and final regular-season matchup between the two franchises who’ve embargoed the NBA Finals since 2015. Every Hot Take Artiste you know will be watching and taking notes.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 1 Comment

by John Walters

Starting Five

Sh*thead

On today’s episode of The Worst Wing…

He is not the first president to use salty language. Most if not all have.

He is not the first president to be racist. And Andrew Jackson is likely not the only other one.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LagxU1Oq0Vw

What he is, though, in the 21st century, is a man who fundamentally does not understand What Makes America Great. I live in a city which has Little Italy, Chinatown, and hundreds of Irish bars. There is no Little Switzerland. There’s a reason for that.

 

(Above: A non-denial denial and a classic lesson learned from Roy Cohn. He never actually denies saying “shitholes,” he says, “This was not the language used.” In other words, he’ll never address it specifically.)

In the late 19th century Ireland and Italy were shitholes and there’s a good chance that if you are reading this that you descended from immigrants of one of those two nations. On Wednesday night a Mexican waiter gave me outstanding service. On Thursday a highly helpful first-generation African drove me to the airport. That’s what makes America great.

 

This column from The Chicago Tribune is what I’m trying to say….

By the way, how perfect is this: Eight years ago today, on January 12, 2010, an earthquake of magnitude 7.0 struck Haiti, killing more than 100,000 people. Happy anniversary from Donald Trump.

2.Is This Jordan Also A HOF’er?

While he has never gotten as many endorsement opps as former teammate Chris Paul and chronically DL’ed teammate Blake Griffin (appearing occasionally as a sidekick, a hoops Andre the Giant), DeAndre Jordan has been the most consistent Clipper of the past half-decade. In the past five years Jordan has finished first or second in the NBA every year in Total Rebounds and FG % (granted, most of his shots are dunks or put-backs; so what?) .

Jordan, who has only been chosen to play in one All-Star Game (breaking: the West is crowded with talent), has led the NBA in FG % every one of the past five years and is currently in second place behind Clint Capela of Houston. He currently leads the NBA in Total Rebounds, which would be his third of the past five seasons leading in that stat (finishing 2nd the other two times).

If the 6’11” former Texas A&M player, who injured himself dunking last night, keeps this up another five years, he should be given serious consideration for a spot in Springfield, no? Mark Cuban and I cannot be the only two people outside of Staples Center who appreciate his value, can we?

3. Tyler The Creator

This is John Tyler. He was the 10th president of the United States (1841-1845) and was born in 1790.

Tyler may not have been a prolific president, but he was prolific. He fathered 15 children with two wives before he expired in 1862. One of his progeny, Lyon Tyler, was born in 1853. Lyon had six children with two wives, two of whom were born in the 1920s: Lyon, Jr., born in 1924 when his pop was 71 and Harrison, born in 1928 when dad was 75.

Lyon did some layin’ late in life

Both Lyon, Jr., and Harrison are still living, ages 93 and 89.

Lyon Tyler was a genealogist, by the way, and the president of William & Mary College from 1888-1919.

4. The Streak Dies With The Streaker

On July 31 last summer Linda Evans, a 68 year-old Ohio woman who had run every day since 1980, was struck and killed by a driver under the influence of drugs while out on a 12-mile run. Evans, a retired school teacher, died on impact. It was 9 a.m. What was the driver, 32 year-old Jon Coffman, doing DUI at that hour of the  morning?

Evans in the Seventies with her husband, Gary, at marathons

Evans, who ran 13,563 consecutive days and was an avid marathoner, is being remembered with this profile in Runners’ World. Worth a read.

5. Sager Saga Sadder

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z_xMvztr-Wo

You remember Craig Sager‘s son and namesake, who admirably filled in for his pop as he was undergoing cancer treatments, don’t you? He seems like a great young man, and he probably is. Sadly, he tweeted this last night as rumors about his well-liked late dad and a certain will have been floating around of late.

 

Here’s a more in-depth look…

Music 101

Guantanamera

In September of 1966 an American vocal group, the Sandpipers,  did a cover of the most famous Cuban folk song ever written and took it to No. 9 on the Billboard charts. The group had originally called themselves the Four Seasons, but then they became of another vocal group from New Jersey that seemed to be having a little more success.

Remote Patrol

My Next Guest Needs No Introduction

Netflix

No, Paul, just Dave as he sits down with the 44th president of the United States for an extended interview in front of a live interview.