Monthly Archives: September 2017

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | Leave a comment

by John Walters

Starting Five

Lena Waithe became the first black female to win a writing Emmy

“Tonight, We’re Binging Ourselves”

Where does the word “Emmy” come from? We’ve always just assumed that TV people love a word that has both “me” and “my” in it. Host Stephen Colbert did a fantastic job with the opening monologue (with an assist from MH fave Chance The Rapper). Two of his better lines…

“This season CBS will have twice as many Sheldons as any network in history”

“And of course, Bill Maher. I assume he’s black because he’s so comfortable using the N-word.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2JJsJjmlGMQ

And then there was a lot of diversity and Julia Louis-Dreyfus and John Oliver, and Oprah was lovingly poked at the way folks on stage poke at Meryl Streep during the Oscars and SAG awards, while the president was not so lovingly poked at because…

Can we please move the Emmys to winter time, too?

2. Coliseum Classic 

La La Land nearly became Longhorn Land on Saturday evening as unranked, unloved Texas marched into the L.A. Coliseum with a backup freshman quarterback and came soooooo close to upsetting No. 4 USC (who woulda thunk?). If you watched, you saw Texas dominate up front defensively (the Trojan rushing attack was limited to 1.9 yards per carry) and limit Troy and its Heisman darling QB, Sam Darnold, to seven points all game outside the final minute of each half.

Oh, but those final minutes.

Matt and Vince thought that even though Texas lost, their effort was alright, alright, alright

One more note from the 27-24 double OT USC win. In extra time Texas outgained USC 49 yards to 25. Oh, but if Longhorn QB Sam Ehlinger had only been able to hold onto that pigskin when it was yanked from his clutches on the one. Still, a thrilling, incredible, Gus Johnson special. I cannot wait to read how Bill Platschke trashes it.

3. Blah Blah Bland

 

Roger, I tried to warn you. One of these franchises needs to relocate to Billings.

4. A (Medium) Rare Scoop

 

Didn’t anyone currently operating in Washington, D.C., watch All The President’s Men??? You discuss sensitive information in abandoned parking garages late at night, not while dining al fresco at BLT Steak in broad daylight! Related: There are media members who can afford to dine at BLT Steak?

 

5. The MH Domin-Eight

Dante Pettis has three punt return TDs and three receiving TDs in three games. In South Bend, he’d already be rehearsing his Heisman speech.

Yes, the staff fully acknowledges, 100%, that investing concern or agitation over the weekly AP rankings is a vestigial obsession. They don’t actually matter, after all. Still, seeing that 0-1 Florida State, 1-0 Miami (lone win, 41-13 versus Boston College) and 1-1 Florida (0-2 save for a 63-yard prayer) are ranked in the Top 20 while, for example, 3-0 California (with a win over an “S-E-C!” West squad) is not makes you wonder who vets these pollsters (and if perhaps someone forgot to visit Wisconsin, which should be ranked higher than Michigan, as well). Also not getting enough love, at least as compared to those three brand-name Sunshine State schools thus far: unbeatens Iowa and Vanderbilt.

Anyway, here we are with our weekly top eight:

Alabama (3-0): The beat down of Florida State reminds you that when Roll, Tide! cares, they’re an awfully tough out. Up next: at unranked but 3-0 Vanderbilt, which leads nation in Scoring Defense.

Clemson (3-0): Tigers put a big SHUSH on Lamar Jackson -repeat-Heisman chatter Saturday night. Up next: Boston College.

Oklahoma State (3-0): Ranking Pokes over Penn State because both played Pitt, but only one put up 49 first-half points against them (granted, OSU got leftover-hungover Pitt). Up next: No. 16 and unbeaten TCU.

Penn State (3-0): Nittany Lions have yet to leave Happy Valley but the offense is humming. Up next: Kitties face first road test at unbeaten, unranked Iowa in ABC’s prime-time game.

Oklahoma (3-0): Sooners had first-half, emotional-letdown hiccup versus Tulane before cruising. Up next: at Baylor.

Washington (3-0): Dante Pettis has returned six punts this season and housed three of them. Up next: at 3-0 Colorado, which has nation’s No. 4 Scoring Defense.

Wisconsin (3-0): Badgers traveled to Provo and handed BYU its worst home loss, 40-6, in six seasons. Up next: Bye.

Georgia (3-0): Dawgs are No. 5 in Rushing Defense and that win in South Bend may look better as season progresses. Up next: 3-0 Mississippi State.

By the way, you’ve got SIX teams in the A.P. Top 11 playing 3-0 opponents this week: Alabama, Penn State, USC, Oklahoma State, Washington and Georgia, while a seventh, Michigan, visits a much-improved 2-1 Penn State. Look out for ShakeUp Saturday.

 

Music 101

Please Read The Letter

Old golden gods of rock never die, they just occasionally record duets with country starlets. Here’s Robert Plant, Led Zeppelin front man, with Alison Krauss, with a tune that won a 2009 Grammy as Record of the Year. It was originally released 11 years earlier on an album, Walking Into Clarksdale, by Plant and his Led Zep axe man, Jimmy Page.

Remote Patrol

The Vietnam War

PBS 8 p.m.

What exponentially greater factor of Americans will be watching Dancing With The Stars during this time slot and why is my face buried in my palm?

 

THE TELLURIDE REPORT

by John Walters | Leave a comment

by Michael DePaoli

In which our intrepid correspondent indulges in the delights of the annual Telluride Film Festival.

Depending upon how fast you might drive, the town of Telluride in the four-corner region of Colorado is about six hours from Albuquerque, seven hours from Salt Lake City and Denver, and eight hours from Phoenix. Once you arrive, you will find hotel rooms that are wildly expensive, and parking that is severely limited. There are no fast-food restaurants in town, and the speed limit signs on the streets are irrelevant because there is always a pedestrian in your way. If you might be lucky enough to book a room at the New Sheridan Hotel (built in 1895) you must park in the median on the main street of town in order to unload your luggage, and then they hand you a parking permit and tell you to drive behind the hotel into the residential neighborhoods and find a place on the streets where the signs allow “G” parking to occur.

There is nothing about attending the Telluride Film Festival that is not a hassle. So, why have I attended the event six years in a row? Because Telluride is an escape for movie lovers. In the past I was in the audience when Ben Affleck introduced his film Argo. I was also in the audience when Barry Jenkins introduced his film Moonlight. This year, Angelina Jolie introduced First They Killed My Father, and Gary Oldman introduced Darkest Hour.

Elisabeth Shue

(copyright Michael DePaoli)

At the recent Festival over Labor Day weekend, I was minding my own business (Editor’s Note: We highly doubt this) walking away from the Palm Theatre where I had just seen the premiere of Battle of the Sexes, when a woman stopped me and asked me for directions to the Galaxy Theatre. It was Elisabeth Shue! I said, “Hold on, nobody gets out of here without singing the blues.” It was a line from one of her films called Adventures in Babysitting. Ms. Shue gave me a courtesy laugh. Technically, it was more of an annoyed giggle with a roll of her eyes, but I did not care. Elizabeth Shue was talking to me. She starred in The Karate Kid, Cocktail, and Leaving Las Vegas, and the entire world was made just a little bit nicer because of her angelic onscreen presence, and there she was talking to me.

Ben Mendelsohn

(Copyright Michael DePaoli)

I met Ben Mendelsohn (Rogue One, Darkest Hour) inside the gondola car traveling from the town to the ski village. I met Michael Weatherly (NCIS, Bull) at the opening night picnic, which they call The Big Feed. At dinner my seat was right near Ken Burns (miniseries on Vietnam War and Baseball). Emma Stone walked right past me and smiled at me (or maybe she smiled at the person next to me, I am not sure).

My friends at home ask, “Why are you so starstruck?” And, my answer is that at Telluride they are not stars, they are just normal people, they are movie lovers who want to watch movies!

At the Telluride Film Festival you must buy a pass to enter the movie theatres. But, the pass does not guarantee you a seat. Each movie is first come first served, so you must get into line at least an hour before each movie starts. While waiting in line, you meet fascinating moviegoers from all over. While in line for one movie I talked to the friendly litigating lawyer from Denver. The next day I waited in line with the stunning architect from Costa Rica. There were dog lovers, and beer lovers, and even people who kept talking about 420 (whatever that might be). As soon as one movie ends, you see people dash out the exit doors and run to get into line for the next movie. The popcorn and candy that they sell before each movie is your lunch for the four-day festival.

Michael Weatherly

(Copyright Michael DePaoli)

All of the movies at Telluride are good. Some are better than others, but each and every movie meets the quality standards of the judges. In six years at Telluride, I have never seen a bad movie. So, please keep that in mind when I give you my two cents on the selected movies listed below, which all were shown at Telluride 2017:

The Shape Of Water: A creative and charming alien porn flick where they deliver hard-boiled eggs instead of pizza.

Battle Of The Sexes: Emma Stone is adorable, but this movie would be just another run-of-the-mill docudrama if not for the brilliant break-up speech delivered by Elisabeth Shue to Steve Carell.

Jamaica Man: A short movie worth downloading, because it shows the unique perspective from another side of life.

Darkest Hour: If Ben Mendelsohn and Gary Oldman might not win best supporting actor and best actor, respectively, at all the award shows, then something would definitely be amiss.

First They Killed My Father: This historical masterpiece packs a punch. It leaps into your consciousness.

Film Stars Don’t Die In Liverpool: All Annette Bening. There were other actors on the screen, but they do not matter because Annette Bening was absolutely transcendent.

Hostiles: This is a real Western movie where chaos and doubt are captured in every scene.

Downsizing: Phenomenal actors who were too large for this tiny vehicle of a movie.

Eating Animals: Avoid at all costs if you might have morality and a conscience and you love to eat meat.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 6 Comments

by John Walters

Starting Five

Lindor exults after his game-tying double

A Quest Called Tribe

Number 22 did not come without suspense. The Cleveland Indians trailed 2-1 with two outs and two strike to the Kansas City Royals when Francisco Lindor hit a game-tying double off the left field wall. One inning later, Jay Bruce ended it with a walk-off single. It was Cleveland’s first walk-off and first extra-inning victory of the now historic streak.

With the win, Cleveland takes over the ALL-TIME WIN STREAK record in MLB history. The 1916 New York Giants posted a 26-game unbeaten streak, but one of those contests ended in a tie.

2. Rubicon Crossed

followed by…

(Why did he type “untruth” instead of “lie?” Is that a libel issue?)

followed by…

 I briefly worked with Clay Travis. He’s a smart guy and a personable dude in person. Like Donald Trump, he’s big on promoting himself as a straight talker, and also like the president, he diligently avoids speaking bluntly on topics that would alienate a white supremacist audience.

Unlike Trump, Clay is not a liar. He’s just a guy who meticulously picks his battles so that he never has to come out against subjects his legion of followers find dear. That’s convenient and for him it has also proven profitable. But it’s also cowardly. And deep down, or directly on the surface, he knows he’s a sellout; a craven victim to his own naked ambition.

He’s rich (just ask him). But as soon as he’s transparent about racism as he is about, say, antifa, that will be a first. He’s the dude who spends 100 hours mocking or exposing BLM and then justifies it with a throwaway line such as, “I’m the least racist person I know.” Great. But the fact that you have to even say that, well, why did it come up?

Meanwhile, I like what our mutual former editor and bonafide great egg, Barry Werner, tweeted:

 

3. Judge Bombs

Baseball’s most majestic swing

During last night’s 13-5 against the Orioles, Yankee rookie Aaron Judge blasted two bombs, had six RBI, and DID NOT STRIKE OUT. The blasts put Judge’s home run total at 43 with 16 games remaining. Remember when The Ringer posted this edgy headline?

Most home runs in one season by a New York Yankee, age 25 or below:

Babe Ruth, 1920: 54 (age 25)*

Mickey Mantle, 1956: 52 (age 24)*

Lou Gehrig, 1927: 47 (age 24)

Joe DiMaggio, 1937: 46 (age 22)

*led American League

Judge is sitting pretty to tie either the Yankee Clipper or the Iron Horse. It may be time for an iconic nickname.

4. Lalas Land

Lalas, right

Earlier this week former World Cup and American soccer dude Alexi Lalas leaped across the abyss from erstwhile athletic hero to GOML spokesperson by calling the U.S. Men’s National Team “a bunch of soft, underperforming, tattooed millionaires.”

The USA is 2-2-3 (3 losses) in World Cup qualifying after recent losses to the likes of Costa Rica and Honduras. In responding to Lalas’ criticism, Michael Bradley borrowed a line from the Lannisters: “The lion doesn’t care about the opinion of the sheep. But Jozy Altidore had a better comeback:

 

 Altidore’s girlfriend, Sloane Stephens, won the U.S. Open last week, by the way.

5. A Reptile Dysfunction

In Sri Lanka a talented young reporter for The Financial Times, Paul McClean, was apparently killed by a crocodile. An Oxford grad just a month shy of his 25th birthday, McClean sounded like a special young talent, if you read this piece.

McClean was on holiday with friends in a remote part of a remote nation when a croc dragged him into a lagoon.

Reserves

As long as they’re coming to Times Square, there’s only one real choice for celebrity guest picker

Well They’re Coming/To My Ci-TAYYYYYYY!!!!!!

ESPN’s College GameDay, in the “I’ll just have a Bud Light” of on-campus location decisions, opts for Times Square on September 23rd. The nearest FBS campus is Rutgers, and the nearest that anyone in Manhattan truly considers a legitimate college football power is three-plus hours west in State College.

What a lazy decision. Or was it about the budget? Or about promoting the Disney Store and ABC’s nearby GMA studios? Or was it just about ego (“We’ve even been to Times Square!”). Pullman, Wash., and Iowa City, Iowa (the Hawkeyes host Penn State in an early Big Ten unbeatens clash) were better options.

Music 101

Son Of A Son Of A Sailor

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oX9esXzzO7w

As far as Top 40 hits go, Jimmy Buffett has only had a few, and only one higher than 30 (“Margaritaville” went to No. 8 in 1977). Still, the 70 year-old who was born on Christmas day, 1946, has as loyal and as cult-like a fan base as any American artists this side of the Grateful Dead. This tune was the title track of his 1978 album.

Remote Patrol

Vietnam

Sunday 8 p.m.

PBS

America’s foremost documentary filmmaker, Ken Burns, has tackled The Civil War and World War II, so it was only a matter of time before he dipped his lens into this quagmire. The 10-part, 18-hour series will air each night from Sunday through Thursday this week, take Friday and Saturday off, and then the final five episodes air Sunday through Thursday the following week.

You have to wonder if a late edit will include this fan post about Alabama’s freshman quarterback from Hawaii:

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 9 Comments

by John Walters

Starting Five

Capitol/Hill

Nontroversy? Kerfuffle? Another entry for The Daily Harrumph? Also, is conflating Linda Cohn‘s suspension for publicly criticizing her employer and Jemele Hill‘s lack of a suspension for calling the president “an ignorant white supremacist” fair? Answer: No.

Cohn deserved to be suspended because, even though we agree with every last thing that she said, when you publicly slam your own employer, that employer has the right to respond in its own way. As for Hill, she, too, spoke freely about a matter and we largely agree with her thoughts (not that it matters) (he’s more of an opportunist and a white, comma, supremacist, than he is a white supremacist), but she was simply expressing a political opinion. She was not publicly second-guessing her employer.

Hill has since deleted this tweet. In a feature that ran in The Ringer just yesterday, she boasts about how she does not delete tweets.

As for the White House, it has fired so many staffer in the first eight months of the administration, an administration whose top dude constantly sends out inflammatory, duplicitous and malevolent tweets, that hearing Sarah Sanders remark that Hill’s tweets are a “fireable offense” are comical.

 

By the way, Hill sure upped her Q Rating in the past 48 hours, no? If we were more cynical, we’d call this a brilliant career move. It sure got this story much more attention.

2. “Watson, Come Here. I Need You”

After Week 1, in which Houston Texans coach Bill O’Brien started Tom Savage (no relation to Peter Tom Savage, who does not exist but whose name reminds us of former FSU QB Peter Tom Willis, because who can figure out how our minds work?) at quarterback, he has now opted to go the Alexander Graham Bell route and start rookie Deshaun Watson.

Savage, out of Rutgers, went 7 of 13 for 62 yards but was sacked 6 times. Watson, who led Clemson to consecutive national championship games and won it last January, was 12 of 23 but led Houston to its only TD in a 29-7 loss to Jacksonville. Up next, tonight in fact, for Houston, is the Cincinnati Bengals. Mr. Watson, meet Mr. Burf–oh wait, he’s suspended again.

3. Strange Days At Bitcoin

This is Joy Corrigan, who has nothing to do with cryptocurrency, and if you ask us why she’s here, we’ll just claim that The Big Lead hacked our site.

We really do not understand what Bitcoin is, or does, even when we read its Wikipedia page. Best we can acknowledge is that it’s a form of payment between people who only exist for one another digitally. But we think Jacob/Jason Antsey/Anstey* understands it, so perhaps he’ll explain below (ft., it’s “Jacob Anstey”).

What we do see clearly is that Bitcoin stock was at $608 one year ago today and is currently selling at nearly SIX TIMES that price ($3,500), even though this morning it is down nearly 10% on bad news. Something to keep an eye on. Ticker symbol BTC.

4. Buh Bye, Mr. Shkreli

Someone in this pic will soon be someone’s bitch, and perhaps the price of avoiding that fate should rise 5,000% for him.

While awaiting sentencing and free on $5 million bail, human slime Martin Shkreli felt the urge to demonstrate that he still doesn’t get it. Shkreli posted on Facebook, ““On HRC’s book tour, try to grab a hair from her. Will pay $5,000 per hair obtained from Hillary Clinton.”

He later said it was satirical, but the judge didn’t care. She ordered Shkreli, 34, jailed until his January 16 sentencing, at which time he could receive 10 years in prison. See ya. Say Hi to Craig Carton, who resigned yesterday from WFAN, if you see him.

5. Your Knot Wrong, Wendell

Not again with Joy Corrigan! We were hacked. No, wait! It was a staffing issue.

Our friend Wendell Barnhouse, an inveterate ink-stained wretch, has made this plea for editing and editors. We wholly support his crusade. To illustrate his point, Wendell has collected an array of editing errors over the past month. One slight clarification, friend: the  biggest role of producers these days, except in situations in which writers produce their own stories (as I did at Newsweek) is to 1) find a photo and 2) slap on an SEO-friendly headline.

By the way, read the second graf (“To err is human…” carefully).

 

Music 101

Sunshine

In 1971 John Denver released “Sunshine On My Shoulders” on an album, and then three years later as a single, and it went to No. 1. Also in 1971, Jonathan Edwards released this tune on his debut album and rose to No. 4 on the charts.

A Word, Please

visceral (adj)

relating to deep inward feelings rather than to intellect

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 3 Comments

by John Walters

Starting Five

1. 2-0 For 20

Behind a five-hit, complete game shutout from Cy Young hopeful Corey Kluber, the Tribe Moneyball’ed its way to a 20th consecutive win (they’re now 89-56). That tied the 2002 Oakland A’s’ mark and is one behind the 1935 Chicago Cubs, the longest MLB win streak. The Indians go for their 21st in a 12:10 matinee at home this afternoon versus the Tigers (Is ESPN going to televise this?)

Oh, and the Dodgers finally won, breaking an 11-game losing streak, with Clayton Kershaw on the mound. He’s 17-3.

2. Teddy Bare

Believe us, it isn’t easy to find a photo of Cory Chase fully bloused…now where were we?

It’s funny. During his ill-fated presidential run, Republican senator Ted Cruz was quick to note his fondness for The Princess Bride. He even quoted it, ahem, liberally. Turns out that Cruz also likes (or so his Twitter feed tells us) the film Mom Bang Teens 20. The film’s star, Cory Chase, is upset not that Cruz, who once proposed a bill to ban sex toys in the Lone Star State, watched her film but that he apparently pirated it.

Cruz has blamed his curious choice of film preference to a “staffing issue.” Can’t disagree with that.

3. Football Fright In America

You go to a Dallas Cowboys game-watch party in Plano, Texas, and you wind up one of Spencer Hight‘s eight murder victims. Hight, the estranged husband of one of the viewers, Lara Hight, who was hosting the Giants-Cowboys viewing party, mowed down an octet of viewers before being shot and killed by a policeman. Lara was one of the victims. She had filed for divorce earlier this year.  Monday would have been their sixth wedding anniversary.

4. Wily Coyote

Now 48 years old, former USC and Oakland Raider quarterback Todd Marinovich is back slinging it with the SoCal Coyotes and looking eerily like Woody Harrelson. The erstwhile wunderkind threw seven touchdown passes in his debut two weekends ago in a 73-0 win against the California Sharks. Despite a dozen or so drug arrests in his past, he’ll probably still get a nibble from the NFL before Colin Kaepernick.

5. Love Him Do

There are stars, there are superstars, and then there are Beethovens. Count Sir Paul McCartney in that last group. The MH staff took a field trip to Newark to catch McCartney and his band, which is playing NINE shows in New York/New Jersey this month, last night and we were absolutely GOBSMACKED.

The set list was historic: McCartney and his four band mates (the two guitarists, southern California natives Rusty Anderson and Brian Ray, are TOO good-looking) led off with “A Hard Day’s Night,” “Junior’s Farm,” “And I Love Her” and “Jet.” They closed with “Band On The Run,” “Let It Be,” “Live and Let Die” and “Hey Jude.” Imagine (sorry, John) singing along at the end of that tune (“Na, Na, Na, Na-Na-Na-Na, Na-Na-Na-Na, Hey Jude”) with the actual dude who wrote it. The encore included “Yesterday,” “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band,” a scorching “Helter Skelter” and, at last, a triumphant and transcendent “Golden Slumbers/Carry That Weight/The End.”

Also mixed in: “Maybe I’m Amazed,” “Something,” “Eleanor Rigby” and “Lady Madonna,” and we’re sure we’re forgetting a few. McCartney, 75, remains a humble and gracious and humorous master showman, and he sprinkled the set with fascinating and often very funny anecdotes about Jimi Hendrix and Mick and Keith, for starters. He is funny. McCartney noted at one point that Sgt. Pepper’s was released “fifty years ago” then held out his arms as if to say, “WUT?!?” After a beat he quipped, “That was before my time.”

If you’ve never seen this founding member of the Beatles, and perhaps the most fabulous member of the Fab Four, and you have a chance to make one of these shows, do it. Any amount spent under $300 for a ticket, for a true music fan, is an absolute steal.

Music 101

Doctor, My Eyes

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qsM7qCulsRM

We’ll note it again, but if you watched the Eagles documentary, the late Glenn Frey tells an excellent anecdote about the genesis of this tune from a piano and a cup of tea in a small apartment in the MacArthur Park section of Los Angeles. This song, released in 1972 on Jackson Browne‘s eponymous debut album, peaked at No. 8. His signature song, “Running On Empty,” released three years later, peaked at No. 11.

A Word, Please

ephemeral (adj.)

lasting for a very short time