You call it tripping, Dookies say Allen was just trying to get a leg up….
ElonGate
In a game against Elon, Duke junior Grayson Allen learns that three times is when you finally cross Coach K’s “Grayson-Trips ‘Em Line. He will be, much like his victims were, suspended indefinitely.
To be fair, I don’t like people cutting in line, either. And I’m not sure how this all started…but look where these people are. On line with Christmas gifts. You know, Christmas? That Jesus guy? Peace on Earth. Good will toward men. Love thy neighbor as thyself yada yada yada….
Should I be the one to inform Kentucky women that the Plymouth Colony would never have lasted if the Pilgrims hadn’t accepted welfare benefits (i.e., food and clothing) from the dark-skinned indigenous people? Nah.
3. Panda’ing For Clicks
Panda V. Snowman is so much more entertaining than Batman v Superman was. Courtesy of the Toronto Zoo. This happened Tuesday. Can we volunteer to build snowmen at our local zoo?
4. Drain Mansplain The Swamp
Trump thug Corey Lewandowski, who is opening a “pro-Trump political consulting agency” just a block or so from the White House, on Fox & Fiends this morning: “If you had to put them in a chronological order, drain the swamp is probably somewhere down at the bottom.”
Trump ogre/beneficiary/adulterer Newt Gingrich: “I’m told he now just disclaims that,” Gingrich told NPR’s “Morning Edition” on Wednesday. “He now says it was cute, but he doesn’t want to use it anymore.”
To Trump’s, um, credit, he is disavowing the disavowers:
Someone incorrectly stated that the phrase “DRAIN THE SWAMP” was no longer being used by me. Actually, we will always be trying to DTS.
I”m not sure who is IN the swamp, though. Because Trump’s cabinet picks thus far have been the typical gaggle of billionaires and white establishment figures. Is there a difference between the Swamp and Rand Paul’s swimming pool?
5. Is Same Old Lang Syne a Christmas Song?
I had this debate with my friends yesterday following this compelling story in The New York Times. I argued that it’s a Christmas song the way “Pride (In The Name of Love)” is an April 4th song. But I’m willing to listen to the other side of the argument? Your thoughts? Read to the end, please. There’s some interesting Paul Harvey-type sh*t going on with what happened to Fogelberg, who died too early of prostate cancer, and the other character in the song (thanks, Dan, for the heads up).
Music 101
Father Christmas
I’m not sure if any Christmas song rocks harder than this 1977 effort by The Kinks.
Remote Patrol
Spurs at Clippers
TNT 10:30 p.m.
The NBA’s best under-the-superstar-radar player: Jamal Crawford
As you’re wrapping presents, tune in to watch two of the top four teams in the West tangle at Staples. Their first-round playoff series in 2015 was a classic, if you recall.
At a fireworks market 25 miles north of Mexico City, in the town of Tultepec, an explosion set off a chain reaction that resulted in the deaths of 29 people. More than 70 others were injured. It sort of feels like, ‘Another Day, Another Disastrophe’ right now, or as John Lennon sang almost 50 years ago, “I read the news today, oh boy…”
2. Mark Walhberg’s Blue-Collar, America-First Trilogy
Last night I saw a trailer for Patriots Day with the tagline “The movie that American needs now.” Why? Are we under attack? From whom? Pharmaceutical companies? Unregulated investment banks?
The Boston Marathon bombing was a heinous act of random violence committed by, as the brothers’ own uncle described them, “Losers.” It was not the latest round of The Crusades; it was more Fight Club taken into reality.
In the last, what, two years, Mark Wahlberg and director Peter Berg have teamed up to make three America First! films: Lone Survivor, which is about a village that is set upon by foreign invaders and chooses to defend itself (when you look at it that way…); Deepwater Horizon, about a gigantic oil company that destroys a pristine sea due to industrial negligence and yet somehow the audience is manipulated into caring about the welfare of a few strangers; and now Patriot’s Day, which is how the city of Boston heroically responded to a pair of misguided cretins who murdered a few innocent people and maimed others.
Unlike in The Perfect Storm, Wahlberg finds himself out in the sea in Deepwater Horizon and survives
You don’t make three films, all based on actual events, this similar in this short a period of time on accident. You make them because A) you’re a true patriot with all the 21st century trappings with which that comes B) you notice a giant tide of nationalism and want to cash in on that at the box office or C) both of the above.
Wahlberg is, of course, a Boston native and often a fine actor (Boogie Nights, The Departed). Lately, though, he’s been playing the same guy in every movie. I miss the dude who quipped, “I’m the guy who’s doing his job; you must be the other guy.”
3. Yes? Yes! And ELO and Journey, Too!
The 2017 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame class was announced yesterday. Pearl Jam gets in the first year they were eligible (I’ll be the contrarian and note that they’ve put out two great albums and haven’t truly been relevant in almost 20 years, even though I love them, too). Tupac Shakur becomes the first solo rapper inducted (you know he’ll come back for this) and Joan Baez wins the “You mean she wasn’t inducted 20 years ago?” award.
Then there’s three bands that kids my age heard on the radio over and over and over again and either loved or loved to hate, but me, I’m glad they’re all finally getting their due: Yes, Journey and the Electric Light Orchestra. I had a few insights on that for the Newsweek.com.
4. Ill Will Hunting
Have I mentioned that I hope Donald Trump, Jr., meets the same fate as this water buffalo?
Just seven days ago, on December 14, Donald Trump’s two sons, Donald Jr. and Eric, along with two other men, created a non-profit in which donors can get access to themselves and their dad for “charity.” There’s no mention as to what the charity is, but among the items up for bid is a “multi-day hunting trip” with the Trump scions that goes for $500,000. I’m all up for launching a GoFundMe to send Dick Cheney hunting with those two. Or you can send me. Maybe we’ll go after The Most Dangerous Game.
5. Who’s Phil Taylor?
You may not have heard his name yet (unless, like me, you are thinking of a former SI NBA writer and a great guy), but Phil Taylor is 25 years old, the god son of Allen Iverson, and leads all NCAA players, male and female, in scoring with a ridiculous 37.8 ppg scoring average at Division II Shorter University, located about 90 minutes northwest of Atlanta.
Taylor, who originally signed with FIU to play for Isaiah Thomas, left the game for three years before finding his way back at Shorter. Now a senior, he opened the season with a 19-point game, but has since had a 62-point game on Nov. 28 and a 52-point effort last Saturday.
Taylor is 5’10.” And yes, it says “SHORTER” on the front of his jersey. That’s cold.
Reserves
White power. You can’t say that Bill O’Reilly didn’t literally spell it out for us.
Music 101
Go Now
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RJEo7fdl3ik
If you’re paying attention, this is the second song with this title we’ve run this month (and I know you’re paying attention, Susie B.). The first one was released 52 years ago by the Moody Blues, and this one came out late last winter from Adam Levine. It’s the song that closes out the movie Sing Street, which is the teen movie that was common in the Eighties but just is all too rare these days. If you haven’t seen it, pssst!—Netflix.
Remote Patrol
Poinsettia Bowl
BYU vs. Wyoming
ESPN 9 p.m.
Linebacker Logan Wilson was the MWC Freshman of the Year
Quick. without looking at a map, Is Laramie east or west of Provo? If you live in the Mountain Time Zone, that’s easy. Consider this my annual kvetch asking how come San Diego gets two bowls in a joyless stadium built alongside a freeway in a ravine while the Los Angeles Coliseum gets none? I’ll never understand it.
Note: BYU fans are probably upset they’re not in the Las Vegas Bowl, but their fans always travel well. I’m hoping the Cowboys fans show up, too. This is only their second eight-win season since 1998.
The paid attendance for Monday’s Miami Beach Bowl was announced as 15,262. If you say so, Norby. I guess Christian McCaffrey isn’t the only one who does not want to participate in a bowl this season. Oh yeah, Tulsa crushed Central Michigan, 55-10.
There are 42 bowl games this season. They’ve already played seven. Did you realize that? I did not realize that. Fifty years ago there were nine bowls: Orange, Rose, Sugar, Cotton, Sun, Liberty, Gator, Bluebonnet and Tangerine. Nine. Neither of the top two teams in the country that season, Notre Dame and Michigan, played in a bowl. The Fighting Irish did not because they had a policy dating back to the mid-Twenties that they would not, while the Spartans didn’t because the Big Ten had a policy that you could not repeat in the Rose Bowl (Can you imagine the nuclear takes such a policy would draw today? Still, it was better than being sent to fight the Vietcong, no?).
Besides, the only game from 1966 that anyone remembers is the one that Notre Dame and Michigan State played against one another…that ended in a tie. NO!
2. Cold-Blooded
One shooter captures another
Merriam-Webster chose its word of the year yesterday and that word was “surreal,” and if 2016 didn’t already have a surfeit of evidence, yesterday’s assassination of Andrei Karlov, the Russian ambassador to Turkey in Ankara provided more proof. As bizarre and tragic as all of it was, imagine being a photographer who has just witnessed a murder, the gunmen is still armed, and you are taking photos of the scene with little regard for your own welfare.
Karlov, and behind him, his 22 year-old killer
At the time of the attack, Turkey’s foreign minister was on a flight to Moscow to discuss Syria. Turkey backs the rebels while Russia backs Assad. That should be a tense meeting.
3. Mayhem in Berlin
Another European incident involving a truck used as a weapon of mass destruction. This time 12 people were killed at a Christmas bazaar in a touristy part of Berlin. These are the tactics of Islamic jihadis, though no one has yet claimed responsibility. Sick world we live in.
4. More Like a Landfill
In addition to winning the Electoral College in a landslide, I won the popular vote if you deduct the millions of people who voted illegally
In addition to that tweet from November 27, Donald Trump’s team sent out a press release after yesterday’s official Electoral College vote (which my colleague Alexander Nazaryan notes is “a classic safety school”) reaffirming that he won the election in a landslide.
He did win the election. The rest of it is false.
Trump captured 304 electoral votes. In 2012 Barack Obama captured 332 electoral votes. In 2008 Barry from Kenya captured 365 electoral votes. 304 of a possible 538 electoral votes is 57%, which The New York Times accurately reports ranks 48th out of the 56 elections in terms of “landslidyness.” Of course, that’s not the way Breitbart reported it, but numbers are hard. Propaganda is easy.
Stevie Nicks is NOT cool with this
This is Trump world. If 48 of 56 electoral college wins are all “landslides,” if six of seven (see, I divided 48 and 56 by eight) wins are landslides, then the term landslide no longer has any quantitative meaning, only a qualitative meaning. This is what demagogues and tyrants do. Every day is a sunny day, not because the sun is shining, but because it confers the quality of sunshine. Truth is fiction. Fiction is truth. George Orwell supplied the playbook decades ago.
5. NatGeo’s Best Photos of 2016
We’ll save “Why isn’t it International Geographic?” for some other time and for now just beckon you to gaze on these spectacular shots from the magazine’s “Best of 2016” gallery.
The photo above looks like a diorama from the Museum of Natural History, but it was shot at Yellowstone National Park by Charlie Hamilton James. Below, Tim Laman captures an orangutan in Borneo climbing 100 feet up for a tempting piece of fruit. I’ll never complain about the four-block walk to West Side Market again.
Word Up
Meretricious (adj): characteristic of a prostitute; apparently attractive but lacking in any integrity or value
There’s a meretricious aspect of planting two .500 teams in south Florida in late December to play a bowl game.
Music 101
Tainted Love
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lYWGvQQX7Kw
Soft Cell appeared on The Merv Griffin Show? That alone is enough to post it here. Stick around for the awkward conversation at the conclusion of the performance. I cannot explain why this song was such a big hit in 1982 other than that it was peak synth-pop times, but it spent a record-breaking 43 weeks in the Billboard 100 (peaking at No. 8) stateside, and was the top-selling single in the U.K. the year before. Really.
It’s actually not even an Soft Cell original. The tune was originally recorded in 1965 by American artist Gloria Jones but it was a flop, failing to chart. But our hard-working MH music researchers have unearthed a copy for you…
Remote Patrol
Showboat
TCM 6 p.m.
You’ve got “Ol’ Man River” and Ava Gardner in the same 1951 film. Any questions?
Ava Gardner. She brings the “va va,” and you supply the “voom.”
By my count, McCaffrey touched the ball 748 times in the past two seasons. If anyone has earned a day off…
1. Too Late For The Sun*
*The judges will also accept “It’s McCaffrey, Not McCaf-free!” and “Pass the Old El Paso”
Stanford junior and 2015 Red Grange Award winner Christian McCaffrey has decided to pass the Old El Paso, i.e., not play in the Sun Bowl. His decisions assures America that the nation will not run short on hot-take fuel for at least two more days.
McCaffrey galloped for 368 all-purpose yards in last January’s Rose Bowl, which kicked off just a few hours after Ohio State’s Taylor Decker shoved Notre Dame’s Jaylon Smith from behind on a play that was pretty much a cheap shot. Smith suffered severe nerve damage while tearing a few knee ligaments and lost all of his rookie NFL season. He went from a surefire Top 10 pick to a second-round pick (Decker was taken mid-first round).
On the other hand, Jaylon was selected by the Dallas Cowboys, who are fixing to be the NFL’s juggernaut for at least the next half-decade, so you could argue that it all worked out for him. He’ll play next year.
And what is the message to America’s youth? If you have a linear path to $10 million or more in earnings in your twenties (or in your life) and someone posts one more meaningless impediment in front of that path, sidestep it. Not the worst lesson in the world.
Other Stanford students who skipped out of The Farm before they graduated (or played in the Sun Bowl) include Tiger Woods, Google co-founder Sergey Brin and SnapChat co-founder Evan Spiegel.
2. Stocking Stuffers in Waco
Winthrop??? Lose-throp, amirite?
In case you missed it, the No. 4 Baylor men took on John Brown, who judging by the 107-53 final score yesterday, could be one person or could be a 2,100-student NAIA institution in Arkansas. But that is hardly egregious compared to what the No. 3 Lady Bears did last week, smacking Winthrop by the score of 140-32. The 108-point margin was the largest ever in Division I history.
Just so you have it, here were the quarter scores: 38-6, 39-12, 34-14 and 29-0. So yeah, it was close after three quarters, only 111-32. “I tried and played tons of people,” said Baylor coach Kim Mulkey (whom we love), “in and out of the lineup, called timeouts, trying to get people off the floor.” Winthrop’s coach, Kevin Cook, actually thanked her after the game. He knew it could’ve been worse.
In related news, the top four women’s teams in women’s college hoops—UConn, Notre Dame, Baylor and Maryland— have two losses total, both of which came to UConn. Maryland hosts the Huskies on Thursday, December 29.
3. Bi-Polar Bears?
This was the above photo on The New York Times today. Related: I occasionally read The NYT. Related: I’m an East Coast Elite who gets paid like a Midwest non-elite.
Listen: I LOVE wild animals and it’s going to be man’s greatest failure if we lose any of these magnificent creatures to extinction because that will be entirely on us. Related: We don’t need any more people; we actually need less. A lot less.
Beijing smog
So, yeah, how man treats wildlife is, for me, the best measuring stick of whether or not we’ve evolved because it tells whether or not we truly appreciate this home on which we live. But, before I get any more preachy, here’s my question: What would happen if we tried repatriating polar bears in Antarctica? I’m generally not in favor of manipulating ecosystems, but Antarctica isn’t a very complex environment. There does happen to be a lot of ice, though, and a lot of available polar bear food sources (Penguins make a fine snack). I just wonder if anyone has ever seriously considered this.
Meanwhile, we’re putting in charge of the White House the very worst people we could possibly find in terms of conservation. I fear how much different the biome will look in 2020. But hey, there will be more golf courses and luxury hotels, so…
4. World’s Greatest Obit
If you have yet to read the obituary on Chris Connors, here it is. We tried to attend the wake/happy hour, but didn’t get permission from the family.
5. Ghost Ship (Cont.)
I’m still blown away by what happened in Oakland on the night of December 2nd. Three dozen people, who went from partying and dancing and just enjoying the music, to a gruesome death in a matter of minutes. Here’s the story of one young reveler, Seung Lee, who was inside but then fatefully left for a few minutes to purchase beverages. The decision was a life-saver. From the East Bay Express.
And here’s another story, from the San Francisco Chronicle, of someone who survived by jumping out a window. The survivor, Aaron Marin, a bass player, had played gigs there before and was aware that the window existed.
Music 101
Jackie Blue
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zrbNeOEG0GY
Yes, my weak spot is one-hit wonders from the Seventies. Takes me back to a time when AM radio was standard in cars and FM was what premium cable is to people today. This 197 tune by the Ozark Mountain Daredevils. The song reached No. 3 on the Billboard charts in 1975, where it was a summer staple. I never knew before today that the lead singer was 1) a man and 2) the drummer. Here’s proof (but lesser sound quality):
Craig Sager: “Time is something that cannot be bought,* it cannot be wagered with God, and it is not in endless supply. Time is simply how you live your life.”
*Time may be subscribed to, but we suggest Newsweek.
2. Are You Feeling Minnesota?
That’s senior WR Drew Wolitarsky in the center. He’s the all-time leader in receptions (271) among California prep players, so a little respect, please.
It was buried under WakeyLeaks earlier this week, but TEN University of Minnesota football players were suspended indefinitely on Monday stemming from an incident that occurred on the night of Saturday, September 3rd. You can read more about it here, but there was allegedly sexual contact with at least one player and even the woman involved, a Golden Gopher cheerleader, the complainant claims “it may have been consensual.”
No arrests were ever made. No charges were ever filed. But Minnesota suspended 10 players (all of whom are black, by the way) indefinitely, which would mean for the December 27 Holiday Bowl against Washington State.
Yesterday, the players struck back. Led by senior wideout Drew Wolitarsky, the team met the media en masse and announced that they would not participate in the Holiday Bowl (kids in Minnesota sacrificing a free trip to San Diego in late December) until they get a closed door meeting with the Board of Regents and athletic director Mark Coyle.
Claeys came out in support of his players
“As a player, it became more than a game for me,” Wolitarsky said, per the Star Tribune, while speaking on behalf of his team. “And I know it did, as you can see, for the whole team. It’s about the livelihood of these kids, after football. Because that’s why we came here; we came here to get a degree. We come here to make a life for ourselves, and these kids’ reputations have been ruined.”
I know this will shock you, that an athletic director could be a sniveling coward and liar, but Coyle originally claimed that football coach Tracy Claeys suspended the 10. Nope. In fact, last night Claeys tweeted,
Have never been more proud of our kids. I respect their rights & support their effort to make a better world! 〽️?
What this is all really about is lawsuits and $$$ and CYA. And institutions trying to appease everyone while not being drawn into a civil suit. Easier to just tell the poor black kid to sit out awhile—as his reputation is forever sullied, thanks to the internet—than to actually pursue due process.
3. Head Games
He’s wearing NEON LIME GREEN, kid. How did you miss him?
There were three touchdowns scored in last night’s Rams-Seahawks game, but I found it interesting that ESPN’s highlights didn’t show all three (at least not when I watched). What they DID show were two concussion-worthy hits, one by Richard Sherman on Ram QB Jared Goff (this is why you slide, rookie) and the other on Seattle punter Jon Ryan, whose 26 yard fake punt rush was a thing of beauty…until he started bobbling the football, and took a monster hit from Troy “I Am Not Throwing Away My Shot” Hill.
“Last thing I remember…”
The hits are part of why we watch. The NFL knows this. So do ESPN producers. Hey, we love that nicotine rush, but we all agree that we’re trying to stamp out emphysema, right?
4. The Daily Harrumph: Racist or Just Immature?
In Missouri, Center High School was the visiting team at Warrensburg High School the other night. The visiting team is predominantly black, the home team not so much. So this is what a group of students from Center did to make Warrensburg feel welcome.
Now, kids, I’m no closer to ordering a DBAP T-shirt than you are, but Black Lives Matter can probably do themselves a favor and stand down here as well. Points:
–Until you’ve lived in towns this size, or unless you do, you really cannot appreciate how much high school sports play a role in the social life of such towns. A high school hoops game is a HUGE event.
–You’re always going to make the visiting team feel unwelcome, no matter the color of their skin. We used to bring newspapers and read them during pre-game introductions for the other team. When I was at Notre Dame, the Irish hosted No. 1 North Carolina, who had a player named Steve Hale (who was white), whom I think had suffered a collapsed lung earlier that season. Every single time Hale touched the ball, we chanted, “In-Hale! Ex-Hale! In-Hale! Ex-Hale!” (back when Notre Dame was cool, or at least, spirited).
—They didn’t all bring Trump signs. One rube did. Dig it: There are rubes in rural Missouri. There are Trump fans, many, in rural Missouri (pronounced, “Mizzou-ruh”). And yeah, there are racists in rural Missouri.
–Center won, 66-62. That’s probably the best response to that crap.
5. James Corden Wins Again
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vi1SvUHvYgc
I sat through about :30 of Jimmy Fallon’s interview with Siena Miller last night, despite how lovely she is. That dude is just in desperate need of Adderall, or Xanax, or whatever drug it is that calms people down. Relax, dude. Take a breath. Or at least take a hit in between segments. I’m sure The Roots can hook you up.
Meanwhile, James Corden continues to do fabulous stuff at 12:30 a.m. on CBS. Above, he broke down 2016. Good stuff. A reminder this dude won a Tony Award for Best Actor a few years back. Below, you realize that Corden spent his entire year Christmas Carpool Karaoke’ing with every guest he’s had. Give that producer a raise.
Music 101
Shambala
Taking their name from an indigenous Australian term for freezing weather (“If it’s really cold, you sleep with three dingoes—a three-dog night”), Three Dog Night had No. 1 hits in 1970, 1971 and 1972. This song reached No. 3 in 1973. Like almost all of the American band’s hits, it was written by someone outside the group, in this instance a songwriter named Daniel Moore.
Remote Patrol
It’s A Wonderful Life
USA 8 p.m.
TFW your business partner is a forgetful drunk
As a country that is plunging into Potterville, this year’s viewing will be especially poignant. Hee haw and Merry Christmas!
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