by John Walters

A Totally Happy 90th birthday to Tony Bennett!

Starting Five

It went a little like this, except that in this historic moment the man giving the heart is the complete phony

1. Donald Trump Is Now The Tin Man (Actually, He’s The Cowardly Lion)

So, yesterday before a rally in Virginia, and before he kicked a baby out of that rally, Donald Trump showed off a Purple Heart that he said was given to him by an Army veteran. “I’ve always wanted to get a Purple Heart,” Trump joked. “This was much easier.”

Lieutenant Dan is not impressed.

Anyway, soon after this took place, comedian Patton Oswalt sent out these tweets:

(1/2) Hey @realDonaldTrump: every Purple Heart (like my dad’s, for instance) has a registration # on the back, from the Defense Department.

— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) August 2, 2016

and…

(2/2) I was just curious, what’s the engraved registration # on the back of the “real” Purple Heart you received, @realDonaldTrump?

— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) August 2, 2016

 

Then, later, this:

Hey @hwinkler4real — I just got blocked by @ScottBaio. Could you hit Twitter with your fist and undo it?

— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) August 3, 2016

So now it comes out that the Purple Heart given to Trump by the veteran was only a replica.

Fork, knife, salt, private jet….and KFC.

Meanwhile, Trump has been like a PED for Stephen Colbert’s show.

2. Back To the Race…

So yet again another crazy 24-hour news cycle involving Trump: POTUS referred to him as being “unfit” to be president (presidentially unprecedented), just retired NYPD police chief Bill Bratton, who has known Trump for 20 years, told CBS This Morning that Trump “scares me to death,” and also Trump played “I know you are but what am I?” with Paul Ryan in his “I’m not there yet” undorsement.

So imagine this scenario: Trump drops out (unlikely) and the GOP hand-picks a new candidate. And this time Reince Priebus is finally smart enough not to choose the GOP’s favorite son (Ryan), but rather a soul who might actually win: Mike Bloomberg.

How wacky, and in fitting with the previous 13-plus months of this election, if a man who spoke at the DNC denouncing the GOP candidate, but like that candidate, is a septuagenarian billionaire from New York City, were to become the Republican candidate?  I know it sounds crazy, but what about this election has not been?

3. (Insert Appropriate Tom Petty Tune Here)*

*The judges will also accept, “What Color Isn’t Your Parachute?”

Last Saturday Luke Aikins, 42, jumped out of a plane flying 25,000 feet above Simi Valley (so you could probably see him from Ventura Boulevard) and about two minutes later, without use of a wing suit or a parachute, landed in a 10,000-square foot net. Reached at his forest hideaway in the Pacific Northwest, D.B. Cooper said, “Not impressed.”

It is officially a Guinness World Record, although I recall reading a tale in Stranger Than Fiction when I was a boy about a woman who fell six miles from an airplane and survived. Also, Sandra Bullock’s character in Gravity may have a beef with this, too

4. You Down With AP P?* (No, you know me)

*Associated Press Poll

Iowa Pre-Flight, a.k.a. the Seahawks, came in at No. 98

Our good friend Ralph Russo is the AP’s college football guy (good work if you can get it) and was behind the scorn-inviting task for this, the 80th anniversary of the AP College Football poll, or ranking the greatest college football programs since the poll began. And while it is the AP’s poll and their list, we wouldn’t be American if we didn’t argue that we could do it better or point out an inherent flaw or two.

First, the A.P’s. Top 100 here, with a nod to the Top 10, in order: Ohio State, Oklahoma, Notre Dame, Alabama, USC, Nebraska, Michigan, Texas, Florida State, Florida.

Second, a note or two:

–The Associated Press poll turns 80 this year, but programs such as Michigan and Notre Dame were around roughly 50 years prior to that. It’s arguable exactly when you should say the modern era of college football began (going with 1900, or after Teddy Roosevelt told CFB to get its act together or he’d outlaw it is fair), but it’s important to distinguish between “all-time” here and “in the history of the AP.”

–The A.P., in its ranking, gave a school 1 point for appearing in a poll, 2 for being ranked No. 1, and 10 for winning the national championship. It’s their ranking and they may do what they like, but I don’t agree that a team should get half as much credit for being No. 25 as for being No. 1. Also, the preseason poll should be meaningless, since it’s a complete guesstimate.

—Here’s what I’d do, and I know everyone has their own ideas. I’d only use the polls from October 15 on in any year, and I’d give one point for being 25th and 25 for being 1st in any week. So, for example, if Baylor was ranked 20th on October 24th of 1959 (making that up), they’d get 5 points for that week. That takes more time to assemble, but it’s a more accurate portrayal of a program’s strength.

—Finally, I think you can make an argument that a national championship deserves no extra points—it’s simply the final ranking of that year—but I’d be willing to go as high as 50 points for a national title, or double a weekly No. 1 ranking.

Your thoughts are welcome in the comments, unless you want to discuss yesterday’s completely manufactured “Did LeBron have it tougher than MJ?” nontroversy.

Also, note well that the AP’s top two all-time teams, Ohio State and Oklahoma, meet in Norman this year on September 17th.

5. Rainn, Man

That girl atop the podium is 10 year-old Rainn Sheppard of New York City. On Monday at the Junior Olympics in Houston, Sheppard won the 3,000-meter run (roughly 2 miles) in her age group. She lives with her mom and two sisters in a homeless shelter in Brooklyn.

Music 101

Rags To Riches

We’re not done celebrating the 90th birthday of the pride of Astoria, Queens, Anthony Dominick Benedetto. This song is now inextricably linked to everyone younger than the age of Phyllis with Goodfellas, which is at worst the third-best mob film ever made. Maybe second. Anyway, it comes up right in our introduction to Henry Hill as a tween.

Tony Bennett recorded this song in 1953 and it remained at number one for eight weeks. That other Italian-American crooner who grew up two rivers west of Astoria must have been a little bit jealous.

Remote Patrol

Cartel Land

NetFlix Docs

Anyone who out of hand supports “Build a Wall” as well as anyone who out of hand rejects the proposition, should watch this fascinating 2015 documentary. As a quasi-native Arizonan, I’m here to tell you that not all illegal immigrants are bad but that the people who live in border states such as Arizona are also subject to real-life problems and criminality that few of us can appreciate. Anyway, this doc takes a look at a heroic doctor in Mexico who launches an AutoDefensas vigilante group, and also at an American, reformed drug addict, who launches a similar group just north of the border in Arizona. Kathryn Bigelow was the executive producer on this doc, and just like her Oscar-winning picture, The Hurt Locker, this film shows that wars are usually fought by men who on either side find themselves ethically compromised.

by Katie McCollow

It’s August. August is the Sunday night of months, don’t you think? Do you know anyone who doesn’t experience a sense of sadness on Sunday nights? I’ve yet to meet a person of my generation who doesn’t equate Sunday nights from childhood with that ticking 60 Minutes clock, reminding them that the fun was almost over.

“Aaaaaaaand the fun is over….now!”

I never slept well on Sunday nights. I never slept well, period as a kid (see: The Exorcist) but Sunday nights were particularly brutal. Once 60 Minutes and dinner were over, I had to face the reality that I had done zero work on my science project and had no idea where my uniform was, much less whether it was clean.

(Editor’s Note: If you’re our age, do you also remember having to sit through 60 Minutes on CBS and then begging your parents to turn it to NBC so you could watch The Wonderful World of Disney because only a heathen would watch that on the backup black-and-white television??? I mean, what family had TWO color TV sets in 1973?)

The uniform scramble was a constant theme in our house; nine kids, Catholic school, Brownies, sports teams and various and sundry after school jobs? That’s a lot of uniforms, kids, and everyone’s were always lost.

I think it’s in there somewhere…

I wore a jumper to school one time that was actually no longer the actual uniform, but a many -years old, outdated version that I had found on the floor of my sister’s closet. It caused a bit of a scandal at school, and my saintly mother had to get involved (this was back when parents didn’t get involved in every little thing) and explain to the school that I wasn’t, technically, out of uniform, and as a matter of fact, the vintage incarnation of such that I was wearing was far more attractive than the hideous, Communist-issue looking current model , therefore I was not to be sanctioned for it. The fact that it was also much too small for me was not brought up. I didn’t wear it again, but it least it bought me an extra day to locate the proper version.

My mom was (still is!) a badass like that. She once got called by the priest because she had not been attending confirmation classes for one of us, I don’t remember which one but it wasn’t the oldest, and she’d been down this road before. The priest tried to strong-arm her by saying the child in question wouldn’t be confirmed unless she showed up (in the evening, no less!) for the classes.

She explained that she had a houseful of little ones in her care and was continuing to create more of them and raise them according to the church, that she had no intention of attending the same damn* classes she’d already been to with several kids previous to learn about a sacrament she most likely knew more about than the priest and quite frankly, signed off on when she had us all baptized, so here’s a plan, Padre, why don’t you stick to your job and she’d stick to hers? P.S., Joey or Billy or whomever it was would be there on confirmation day, and would come home confirmed, capiche? And that was the end of that.

And mom will not be there

About a month ago my sister told us how once she was frantically looking for her Brownie uniform and finally found it in a heap on the floor of the “kid” bathroom. (The kid bathroom was usually several layers deep in rank towels, articles of clothing, comic books, what have you. We were supposed to be responsible for its cleanliness, and let’s just say we didn’t always do the best job. ) There was some sort of grass stain or something on one shoulder, but it was Brownie day so she wore it to school anyway. (It was OK to deviate from the black-watch plaid for Brownies, which I think was one of the only reasons my sisters and I joined—that and the snacks, since they were usually something sugary and store-bought, another thing our mom didn’t tolerate.)

Long story short, it wasn’t a grass stain (Editor’s Note: Ewwww!). Some lazy sibling had used it to, um, well, it was in the bathroom, kids, and this disgusting fact was pointed out loudly and cruelly to my sister by the other school kids.

That’s not a grass stain!

Our bedroom (the one I shared with the above sister and my younger one) was located directly above the family TV room, so I would lie awake at night on Sundays, comforted by the Charlie-Brown-esque “mwaa mwaaa mwaaa sounds of my parents watching TV—if they were still awake, it couldn’t be that late, right? But then things would go quiet, and one by one I’d hear footsteps, doors closing as the rest of the house went to bed, the steady breathing of my slumbering roommates…and I would still be awake, with nothing to think about but my undone homework, missing uniform and Satan.

So yeah, August is the Sunday night of months. The last month of summer, the most fun time of the year. Then it’s back to school, back to long pants, back to combing my hair at least once a day, back to knowing what day it is, for cryin’ out loud…But let’s glass-half-full it, shall we?

Five Great Things About August 

It’s Still Summer

You still have a month to do all those things you swore you were going to this summer, way back in May! Go horseback riding, visit Yellowstone, call your grandma, go paddle boarding—you’ve been watching other people do it all summer and every time you do, you say to yourself, “That looks fun;” admit it. You still have time to read one of those books they write about in the Sunday paper, eat lunch at a food truck, wear linen pants or treat yourself to a suntan. DO IT. Studies show we don’t get enough vitamin D. If you want me to cite those studies, you’re outta luck– do you really think I’m going to waste the last precious moments of summer looking up a bunch of boring studies just so you’ll go outside?

One more month to wear this and not feel silly

State Fairs 

Two kinds of people in this world: those who like state fairs, and those who don’t. I am in the “don’t” column. I know, why would I list them as a great thing about August when I’m in the “don’t” column? Here’s why: I love that they exist, I just don’t like attending them. I would be very sad if next year all state fairs were canceled (Editor’s Note: So would the Beach Boys), but ask me if I want to go to one and you will get a loud and insistent “NO!”

I hate the food, I hate the crowds, I hate the filth and the smells and the weird, creepy midway and the incredible expense for the pleasure of parking six miles away so I can spend a hot summer day rubbing up against my sweaty, hairy neighbors. Every year, my local paper runs a story about what bizarre new concoction will be available to eat at this year’s fair-things like chocolate dipped walleye pops or pig ear ice cream.

But I love that other people love it. I love reading about those gross-sounding foods in the paper, and I love the heartwarming stories about the 4H kids who spend all year fattening up their hogs for the chance to win a ribbon. LOVE IT. I just don’t want to go. Chalk this up as another time when I know I’m in the wrong, but damned if there’s anything I can do about it.

I mean, I guess this is fun?

The Month After August is September

Which means fall, and fall is the best time of the year. Did I say summer was? Technically I said summer was the most fun. Fall is the best. Except for school starting; that part stinks. I’ve never been one of those parents who looked forward to their kids being gone all day, and this September is even worse—one of mine is leaving the nest. I don’t want to talk about this anymore.

This is not too bad…

The Sweet Corn and Tomatoes are Ready

I know we live in a world where both those things are available all year round, but this is when they’re really supposed to be available and boy, can you taste the difference. It makes me drool just thinking about it. The other night I bought five fat, warm tomatoes from the farm stand down the road and made a Caprese salad that made everyone moan. My daughter’s garden, which I am looking at as I write this, is almost ready to start picking. Yayyyyyy.

Heyyy! That’s not a tomato.

It’s Only Five Months Until the Holiday Season

And that is truly the best time of the year. I mean seriously, what’s better? Did I say fall? Pffft. The holidays are the total best!! We’ll be back to eating hard pink tomatoes and frozen corn, but there will be Christmas cookies and fudge and the sun will go down at 4:30 (which is the coziest thing ever) and being outside in the dark, snowy landscape, looking at all the twinkling houselights, feels like being inside a jewelry box, so who cares?

There’s always something to look forward to…

*My mother would never say ‘damn’ to a priest.

(Editor’s Note: Katie’s momentary lapse of reason, and impending emotional collapse as her oldest heads off to college, caused her to briefly forget that it’s just one month until college football season; we’re sure she regrets the error)

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 28th to Golden Tate, Warrior! One of the truly splendid moments of the Charlie Weis era right here, from 2009.

Question: What do January 16th, February 8th, April 4th and today have in common?

Starting Five

Our insect overlords are beginning their push for global domination….

1. The Mosquito Coast

Down in Miami, more cases of the Zika virus are being reported, and I don’t know why we don’t just build a wall to keep them out. The Miami Herald reports 10 new cases locally in the artsy area known as Wynwood, and while no one seems to die from Zika, potential side effects include microcephaly (in the babies of infected moms). Also, the disease is transmitted sexually.

Maybe Congress would be more concerned if we referred to the insects as “radicalized mosquitoes.” Anyway, the fun will really begin after the Olympics, when people from six different continents return home from ground zero of Zika, Brazil.

2. Bone Spurious

He’s sacrificing a lot here, marching in that silly headgear

I’ve been mentioning this ever since Donald Trump denied that John McCain was a war hero more than a year ago, but today The New York Times takes a deep dive on Trump’s ability to avoid serving in Vietnam. Turns out he lied….a lot. I know. If you avoided serving in Vietnam, that’s cool. Maybe, though, you shouldn’t be the guy who gets to be commander-in-chief of the U.S. armed forces.

Meanwhile, Eric Trump appeared on CBS This Morning earlier today and that interview was a doozy. Not once but twice he referred to the “three of us at this table” even though the table included Charlie Rose, Gayle King, Nora O’Donnell and himself. Was this a Super Troopers “meow” move in which he was trying to see how often he could get away with not including Gayle (yes, I’m assuming) before someone called him on it. Eric also stated that his sister, Ivanka, “is a strong, powerful woman. She would not allow herself to be subjected to (sexual harassment),” which casually implies that it’s a woman’s fault for being sexually harassed while ignoring that most females don’t have a daddy worth nine figures on whom to fall back.

What a douche.

Finally, Eric was asked if his father should apologize to Mrs. Khan, and his reply—twice—was that his father had called Captain Khan a “hero,” which of course is not an apology. The implication: Donald Trump does not apologize to Muslims or women or both. Which his supporters love.

Favorite moment: Charlie Rose asks, “Who tells your father he’s wrong?”

3. The Purge: Pinstripes

The Yanks now find themselves Miller-lite

In the past week the New York Yankees have traded away their three best players, two of them All-Stars (pitcher Andrew Miller, Indians; outfielder Carlos Beltran, who is 39, Rangers) and one of them the owner of baseball’s most lethal arm (Aroldis Chapman, Cubs). I was against this two weeks ago, but I’ve done a 180 on it. This is how you tank to improve in baseball, and these Yanks have too anemic an offense to go very far.

The Bronx Embalmers did have a nice little extra-innings comeback win versus the Mets at Citi Field last night to move to 53-52 (if they win tonight, they’ll have an identical record with the Mets), but it’s clearly time to rebuild.

So why pay attention? The last time the Yanks finished at or below .500 was 1992. Maintaining that streak would be cool.

4. Crossing Jordan (Off Your List of Bachelors) (For Now)

I got through this entire item without reference to the Beatles, the early ’70s Celtics, or Terry Bradshaw’s ex-wife

You know me: I try to avoid discussing reality shows, particularly dating reality shows. That’s Clay Travis’ territory. But when a gal chooses a guy whose older brother is a two-time NFL MVP and the league’s best quarterback under the age of Tom Brady, that’s noteworthy.

JoJo chose ex-CFL, ex-Vanderbilt QB  Jordan Rodgers, who’s a handsome dude and whose brother recently signed a five-year, $100 million contract with the Green Bay Packers. And if this wedding ever goest through (not happening), Olivia Munn will be her sister-in-law. So that’s quite the bonus.

5. Cemetery Bomb

John “Leave No Head” Stone “Unturned”

HBO’s The Night Of does not overdo it as a whodunnit (There’s no Yellow King, no Carcosa), but the fourth episode did drop in one—rather obvious—clue as to who the real killer of Andrea Cornish is. During her funeral, recently relieved-of-his-duties defense attorney John Stone (John Turturro in possibly the best role of his career) watches from afar. After a brief confab with his nemesis, Detective Box (Bill Camp, who is every bit as good as Turturro in this series), Stone notices Andrea’s stepdad arguing with a young man closer to the age of the deceased. He appears to threaten the younger man. Box had already left by the time this happened.

Stone is doing Box’s job better than Box is. Stone is investigating a murder; Box, while every bit as smart and dedicated, is purely pursuing a conviction.

Someone on Twitter noted: The stepdad could very well have been the man on the motorcycle.

Music 101

I’m Amazed

The Louisville-based band My Morning Jacket struck it big with this medium-tempo bourbon rocker in 2008. Lead singer Jim James graduated from St. Xavier High School in that town. Rolling Stone is still hopelessly in love with this band, although it’s now batting its eyes at Alabama Shakes instead.

Remote Patrol

Bolgen (The Wave)

Netflix

Surf’s up in Norway

Quite possibly the greatest Norwegian disaster film you’ll ever see! In the land of fjords, massive rock slides cause deadly tsunamis. Two incidents in the 20th century each claimed at least 40 lives, so the producers of this film imagined a present-day scenario. The one slightly off-putting aspect is, like those Godzilla films you’d watch as a kid, English-speaking voices have been dubbed in as opposed to sub-titles.

by John Walters

A Medium Alles Gute Zum Geburtstag to Bastian SCHWEINSTEIGER, 32, who just retired from the German national team

Starting Five

The Wrath of Khan*

*The judges agree that this is too easy, but did you want to see “Khizr Rolls?”

You say you want a revolution, well, you know, we all want to change the world.

You say you’ve read the Constitution, well, you know, we all want to change your head.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uG0K_9RDeFE

This is  the most powerful moment of the 2016 election, and how great that it came directly, and with no outside help, from a Muslim-American immigrant. How ironic and poetic would it be if Khzir Khan, a peaceful Muslim immigrant, the father of a slain Iraqi war hero, was the one who took down Donald Trump’s campaign?

Too much to say here, and you already know most of what transpired last Thursday evening (and since), but let’s go here. After his interview with George Snuffleupagus, Trump released a statement that read in part, quote, “[Khan] has no right to stand in front of millions of people and claim I have never read the Constitution.”

With Russian dressing, no?

That’s something directly out of Dr. Strangelove (or P.G. Wodehouse): it’s a bad idea to use the term ‘right’ as slang when you’re arguing with someone over your mutual understanding of the U.S. Constitution. After all, the very first amendment of the document expressly gives Khan that right. But, you know, this is just another day in the world of Donald.

2. And This Is How You Interview Someone On TV…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5QhU0zx7RdI

Kudos to CNN’s Brian Stelter, who refused to allow Donald Trump senior communications advisor Jason Miller (John’s nephew?) off the hook here. Great job.

3. J. Walker*

Keeping his head above water, making his way when he can, Temporary layoffs (Good Times!), easy-credit rip-offs (Good Times!)….

*The judges refuse to go with “Kid Dy-No-Mite!”

Jimmy Walker, a 37 year-old PGA Tour veteran from Oklahoma City, wins his first major by shooting 14-under at the PGA Championship at Baltusrol. Walker had 19 birdies and just five bogeys all weekend in New Jersey and edged out Jason Day by one stroke. And that’s all I have to say about golf this weekend…except that golf needs a sexier name for its fourth, and year-ending, major.

4. Tragedy in Texas

The canopy is mostly intact

Out for a Saturday morning balloon ride, 16 people perish when their hot-air balloon catches fire and plummets to earth in a pasture about 30 miles south of Austin, Texas. That’s a death-toll record for a U.S. hot air balloon tragedy.

The balloon most likely struck a power line, but officials have yet to confirm that. They have recovered a number of cell phones from the crash site, so this won’t be a mystery for long (I guess I can ask how they’ll get the passwords to those phones).

5. Cubs Win! Cubs Win!

Lester never threw a pitch, but he had the decisive hit

A memorable game at Wrigley Field, one that began in July and ended—at least by EDT—in August. The Cubs fell behind 6-0 to the Seattle Mariners, who scored 2 runs in each of the first three innings. Trailing 6-3 in the bottom of the ninth, Chicago sent it to extra innings on a single, a fielder’s choice and a wild pitch.

Then, in the bottom of the 12th, pinch-hitter Jon Lester (you may know him as an All-Star pitcher) had the bunt walk-off game-winning hit. If the Cubs, the only team in baseball whose record is north of .600, go on to win their first World Series in 108 years, this will be one of the regular season’s highlight moments.

All this and Lollapalooza with Radiohead, Jane’s Addiction and RHCP. Not a bad weekend to be in Chicago…

Music 101

Round Here

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_2_slb0zqv8

On this first day of August, we thought we’d start with the first song off August and Everything After, the first album from Counting Crows. Here they are making their network television debut on The Late Show. Man, did Rolling Stone hate this band. I can listen to this album over and over again: guilty (note: “Mr. Jones” may be my least favorite song on the album). We all know Adam Duritz can be annoying as hell (ask Courteney Cox), but this was a damn good debut album.

Remote Patrol

The Endless Summer

Netflix Doc

In the early 1960s filmmaker Bruce Brown followed two young California surfers, Mike Hynson (a David Bowie doppelgänger; but read this and this) and Robert August, on a round-the-world surfing expedition in quest of both the perfect wave and, well, the film’s title. This seminal surf documentary takes viewers from California to Senegal to Nigeria to South Africa to Australia to New Zealand to Tahiti and then, finally, to Hawaii. It’s a wonderful travelogue with lots of sly narrative humor from Brown and an incredible look at our planet and its people 50 years ago. Highly recommended.