by John Walters

A Medium Happy 62nd to Christie Brinkley. Did you kick that scamp John Mellencamp to the curb yet?

Starting Five

Olivia is so batshit crazy, I’m ready for her to finish no worse than 3rd in the New Hampshire primary.

1. Caucus Interruptus

Caucuses, The Bachelor, Media Night, WWE. There was so much stupid in America last night and I loved every moment of it. What a wonderful, time-capsule night in American television and social media. Quick notes, thoughts:

–Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton finish in dead heat in Iowa Caucus Democratic version, prompting a tweet that “Bernie’s just happy that the votes were evenly distributed.” That’s gold, Jerry.

–Olivia from The Bachelor should now be known as “My Crazy (n)Ex(t)-Girlfriend.” I actually like how clueless Ben appears to be about her and how he seems genuinely concerned when the other chicks in the henhouse begin clucking about her.

—Mina Kimes on Twitter about the Lauren, who confesses to Ben on camera that her beau of five years had been cheating on her with multiple women: “I was cheated on and it was awful” – every contestant on #TheBachelor, a show where one man dates multiple women.

— Ted Cruz wins the GOP primary. Hey, vote for whomever you like, but I’m still waiting for the first truly honest moment from this guy. It’s like I’m waiting for him to appear on Oprah and confess that he just wants to join La Cage aux Folles. I mean, this girl doesn’t want him around her, and she’s his daughter. That’s telling.

Get away! Ewwww!

—Donald Trump finishes 2nd and half the world retweets a tweet of his, the quote from Walter Hagen in which he says, “No one ever remembers who finishes second.”

—Marco Rubio finishes 3rd and acts as if he won. Because he kinda did. Marco knows that as long as he refrains from saying anything as polarizing as Donald and Ted Cruz inevitably will, he can win the GOP nomination. He’s younger, he’s less alienating, and his wife is a former Miami Dolphin cheerleader, for lawd’s sake. He’s drafting off these two right now, just waiting for the bell lap. Rubio doesn’t really have a job, he didn’t attend an Ivy League school (first prez since Reagan, if he wins), and all he says is, “We’re going to take our country back.” And that may just be enough to win for someone who resembles a cast member from Telenovela.

–Meanwhile on TCM, Lawrence of Arabia was showing. It’s a film about a white guy and an Arab who are strangers but nevertheless form an alliance, and a friendship, for the cause of righteousness. I think the GOP has an X-rating on this film.

–Nothing much to say about NFL “Opening Night” (formerly Media Day) or the WWE. But I’m sure Cam-olina will be the lead topic on First Ache.

2. Maui Owie

That’s pro surfer Tom Dosland, falling about 40 feet during a wipeout on Jaws in Maui last Wednesday. Crazy stuff. Here’s the video. Dosland survived with little more than a sore neck. Nothing more needs to be said than that surfers are insane.

3. Must-CTE(V)

Actually, NBC aired Thursday night football more than 20 years ago…

The NFL last night announced that it was expanding its Thursday night package (looser trousers will do that) by adding two games per season, upping the total from eight to 10 in the next two seasons. Also, those games will be split evenly by CBS and NBC.

You hear coaches and players whine constantly about how it’s not prudent to play two games within four days of each other, but I guess that little CTE scare is over. Also, there’s a way the NFL can do it so that Thursday night games, for teams, follow their bye weeks. In fact, that’s what your bye week should be predicated upon: you don’t play the Sunday before that Thursday night game. So how come the NFL won’t do it? $$$$$$$$$.

4. They’re Literally On Thin Ice

Two teens in Peterborough, Ontario, have quite a story to tell at the Tim Horton’s this week, as they took a ride on an ice floe and then defiantly mocked onlookers and the police who tried to help them. To me the most shocking part of this story is, There are rude Canadians

5. SAG What?!?

Idris Elba left double-fisted. He’s really terrific in “Beasts Of No Nation.” if you have not yet seen it.

Winter in the Northeast can be pretty bleak (not as bleak as Canada, but still bleak). We look forward to a few Sunday evenings to hold us over until Game of Thrones or Better Call Saul return: the Golden Globes, the Super Bowl, the Emmys, the Oscars and my personal favorite (because they booze it up so much), the SAG Awards.

These all take place on SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!
But then this weekend the SAGs go ahead and air on a Saturday night, and nobody told me (thanks, Katie), and so now I’ve gone and missed them. Really? I live all year for the “I’m an actor” intro and now I have more than 51 weeks to wait until it returns? Anyway, here’s 11 moments from the show that I (we?) missed.

Music 101 

Crash Into Me

Kurt Cobain put a bullet in his head (or did Courteney?) and pretty much killed rock and roll for the remainder of the Nineties (with apologies to Radiohead). Dave Matthews Band was perhaps the best of the suitable-for-Friends rock that permeated the Earth’s surface post-Nirvana, and this is their best song. It’s hypnotic and voyeuristic at the same time.

This performance, quite bizarrely, took place on September 11, 1999 at Continental Airlines arena, not that far across the river from lower Manhattan. Two years to the date before…

Remote Patrol

The Sting

TCM 8 p.m.

This month, Oscar month, is the one month of the year that you really need to have TCM. Paul Newman and Robert Redford team up for a second film here, and this time it does not end in a guns a’ blazin’ suicidal shootout in Bolivia. Classic film.

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 22nd to Harry Styles, whose hairline is headed in one direction….

Starting Five

Scott (right). Exit laughing.

1. Great Scott!

From Arizona Coyotes goon to fan-voted NHL All-Star captain to St. John’s (Newfoundland) IceCaps player to NHL pariah to NHL All-Star Game MVP. Wow. Quite a January for John Scott, who scored 2 goals in yesterday’s NHL All-Star Game, and totally stole the thunder from this month’s other two All-Star Games (psst, Roger: Have fans vote in Ray Rice next time)

2. Oboe, You Don’t

Rodrigo (Bernal) takes the orchestra to a field trip in the ‘hood. Is this conduct unbecoming of a conductor?

Finally caught a few episodes of Mozart in the Jungle (which is set in the concrete jungle of New York City). It’s Whiplash with a symphony, except that the conductor, Rodgrigo, played by fiery Gabria Garcia Bernal, is this messianic Mr. Keating type (“O Captain, My Captain!”) with more of a sweetness. I understand why he won the Golden Globe, and it’s worth catching a few episodes.

Lola Kirke play Hailey, an oboe trying desperately not to become a hobo.

3. Suns of Anarchy (Cont.)

Hornacek never had a chance with these Suns of Anarchy

Six weeks ago, on December 23, Phoenix Sun forward Markieff Morris threw a towel in coach Jeff Hornacek’s face during a loss to Denver. After the game a Suns assistant pulled aside owner Robert Sarver and GM Ryan McDonough and told them the Suns had to get rid of Morris or else the coaches would lose the team, as in its respect.

Sarver and McDonough did not listen. Since that night, when the Suns were 12-19, they have gone 2-16, including two losses to Philadelphia. Yes. And that coach, plus another assistant, and now Hornacek—as of last night—have all been fired. The Suns have only been this shameful before in the late ’80s, when half the team was doing more drugs than Scott Weiland.

4. Gary, Indiana, Michigan

Gary describing how much mail he has received from recruiters.

Maybe the northwestern Indiana city should change its state status, now that it seems imminent that the nation’s No. 1 football recruit, defensive tackle Rashan Gary of Paramus (NJ) Catholic, appears headed to Ann Arbor.

Gary, a 6’4″, 287-pound youth whom everyone rates a 5-star, has been quite the fickle recruit. A couple visits to Michigan, where his friend Jabrill Peppers play and where his former coach Chris Partridge is now the linebackers coach (that was convenient), but just over the weekend. Also, Michael Dwumfour, a lineman from DePaul Catholic in N.J. who has been Gary’s friend since 6th grade, also plans on signing with the Wolverines.

Gary will announce his choice at 1 p.m. on Wednesday, from ESPN’s Bristol, Conn., headquarters. If it is anyone but Michigan, Jim Harbaugh’s khaki’s will self-immolate on the spot.

5. This Is Not the Men’s Magazine Whose Editor Announced He’s Stepping Down

That would be Esquire, where David Granger, the editor-in-chief since 1997, announced he’s leaving on Friday, with no detailed plans. But this is GQ, where two of the world’s sexist Spanish types (he’s Portuguese, she’s Brazilian) convened for a cover shoot. Note to self: Soltero (i.e. Spanish Bachelor) would be a good show.

Music 101

Joy To The World

“Jeremiah was a bullfrog!” And with that the American rock band Three Dog Night had a No. 1 hit in 1971. The song was not written by the band but rather by Hoyt Axton, whose mother Mae Axton co-wrote “Heartbreak Hotel,” which had been Elvis Presley’s first number-one hit. Mae and Hoyt are the first (only?) mother and son to have each written a Billboard No. 1. Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea/Joy to you and me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dp7KfG9AjaY

Remote Patrol

And The Oscar Goes To…

TCM 8 p.m.

Lawrence of Arabia

TCM 10 p.m.

Shariff don’t like it/Rock the casbah/rock the casbah….

Let’s begin with the latter. Arguably the most beautiful film ever shot, with the striking Peter O’Toole in all his blue-eyed glory. It’s an epic, and it’s a classic (although the final  hour drags some). Still, up until the intermission—at least for me—it is mesmerizing. The first Middle Eastern Western. Warm up with the 2-hour anthology show, a behind-the-scenes look at Oscar. It’s a repeat, but well worth any film nerd’s time.