IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters

Happy 75th to the man who kept the beat for the Beatles….

Starting Five

1. Upon Further Review

Yesterday Florida State University made the rare and unusual move of dismissing a blue-chip quarterback from its team. De’Andre Johnson, who was Florida’s “Mr. Football” last autumn (in a state that has more football talent than any), was shown the door after this video surfaced.

Granted, the woman at the bar is badly behaved. Granted, she raises her fist to Johnson first. But you NEVER strike a woman. You just don’t. This is one of just many reasons that 18 year-olds such as Johnson are not allowed to drink in bars.

Johnson enrolled early and took part in the spring game, which is why this photo exists.

Of course, reasonable people may wonder why FSU did nothing for 12 days about this incident until yesterday, when the video was finally released by the State Attorney’s Office. It just leads me to think that Everett Golson has been looking very sharp in his offseason workouts.

Meanwhile, c’mon, would it be the worst thing in the world if Notre Dame offered Mr. Johnson a chance at redemption?

2. Men Behaving Badly (Parts 2 & 3)

Turns out he wanted a lot more than chocolate cake

A decade ago, back when Bill Cosby was admitting in a civil suit that he obtained Quaaludes in order to have sex with young women (When you got the Quaaludes, was it in your mind that you were going to use these Quaaludes for young women that you wanted to have sex with?” Troiani asked. “Yes,” Cosby replied.), I probably would have told you that you were crazy to suggest that Bill Cosby would obtain drugs in order to rape women.
What’s next? Subway’s Jared Fogle involved in a child porn investigation?!??

3. Carnage in Belgium

We haven’t seen carnage like this among the 2-wheeled crowd since Twin Peaks in Waco

Stage 3 of the Tour de France, in the Belgian lowlands, was supposed to be a relatively sedate affair. Instead, on a straightaway with a slight incline Frenchman William Bonnet’s inattention (I wonder if he was texting) led to 20 cyclists getting caught in a pile-up. Four cyclists had to drop out immediately. Bonnet was led off in a neck brace while Fabian Cancellera, who was wearing the yellow jersey, fractured a pair of vertebrae and had to withdraw.

Race directors made the rare move of briefly halting the race since all medical personnel were treating riders at the scene and wouldn’t have been able to assist if there was another crash.

4. Amicus Briefs!

There she is: Attorney, athlete, and incurable Seatle Seahawk fan (you think she chose those colors randomly?) Amelia Boone, gracing the August cover of Runner’s World. Very cool.

Your author ran a race with Miss Boone back in January, which is to say that I saw her at the starting line and then never again.

5. Steeple People

Believe it or not, the dude in the red singlet is seconds away from setting the U.S. record in the 3000-meter steeplechase. Evan Jager, a proud Wisconsin alum, was racing in Paris on the 4th of July and leading as he approached the final hurdle on the last lap.

And then, ever so slightly, Jager’s toe struck the red barrier. And that allowed Jairus Birech of Kenya to overtake him and break the tape. Still, Jager rose up and finished in 8:00.45, which is a new American record. Without the stumble, Jager would’ve become the first non-African born person ever to run this race in under eight minutes. Which we assume he’ll do later this month.

If this had taken place at the Olympics, it would’ve been a Forever Moment.

Music 101

Photograph

In honor of Ringo’s landmark birthday, here’s the best song with this title that is not performed by Def Leppard.

Remote Patrol

The Station Agent

The Movie Channel 8 p.m.

Three relatively unknown actors at the time — Patricia Clarkson, Bobby Cannavale and The Imp himself, Peter Dinklage — in an abandoned train depot in New Jersey. Sorry, Zach Braff, but this is the best love letter to the Garden State anyone wrote and filmed since the millennium began.

 

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters

Holy Birthday Cake, Batman, the Boy Wonder himself, Burt Ward, turns 70 today

It’s All Happening!

Japanese keeper Ayumi Kaihori falling down on the job….

1. Drone Strike

It’s one thing to record a hat trick.

Another to do so in the first 16 minutes of a match.

Yet another to do so in the World Cup final.

And yet on another plane altogether to make the third goal a shot taken literally from the midfield stripe.

New Jersey’s own Carli Lloyd did all of that on Sunday as the USA beat Japan, 5-2. I’ll leave the rest to Andres Cantor of Telemundo.

2. A Marathon Race That Is Not

Forsberg’s time of 47:48 broke the existing record by nearly 3 minutes

It’s called the Mount Marathon Race because that’s the name of the mountain that looms over the town of Seward, Alaska. But the race itself is barely more than a 5K. It has been staged on the 4th of July each year since at least 1915, perhaps earlier. No one is sure.

Contestants start in the downtown area, run up a 3,022-foot mountain, then clamber back down. It’s dangerous. Legs are broken. ACLs are torn. Three years ago a woman suffered a lacerated liver and another man, Robert LeMaitre, vanished. His body has never been found.

When you reach the top, you’re only halfway there. That’s Forsberg.

But on this 4th of July something bizarre happened as well: both the men’s and women’s champions set new time records. Emelie Forsberg, 28, of Sweden, ran up and down Mount Marathon in 47:48. And the men’s winner, Kilian Jornet of Spain, set a new men’s record of 41:48.

Jornet, 27, actually lives in Chamonix, France. With Forsberg. They are a couple.

3. Pride Goeth Before a Fall

Your family tree may not resemble this

If your kitty cat has ever been stuck in a tree, you can empathize. That’s 15 lions in Tanzania, recently snapped escaping flies. Related: I love animals. Why would anyone harm one?

4. Car- Nival

Dillon went Chitty Chitty Bang Bang on the field at Daytona

Austin Dillon survives this crash at the Cooke Zero 400, a race e that did not end until after midnight earlier today. Dale Earnhardt, Jr., won.

Meanwhile in Scandinavia, the finish here of the World RX of Sweden road rally will leave you gob-smacked. Though it seems as if he should be disqualified, no?

5. Playing with Fire(works)

It was reported that New York Giant defensive end Jason Pierre-Paul “severely” hurt his hand in a fireworks accident. And so you wondered if JPP had lost any fingers. He did not, and Pro Football Talk went so far as to report that the rumors regarding JPP’s injury were…”overblown.” Paging Horatio Caine on that one….

The latest news is that the G-Men are pulling their $60 million offer to JPP, but wonks say he wasn’t about to accept it, anyway (don’t judge: We’ve all turned down that amount of scratch at one time or another). Either way, JPP is a defensive end. He really doesn’t need his fingers, which most likely suffered nerve damage and lost some flesh, to work all that well. He’s an edge rusher, not a pianist.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters

Happy birthday from myself and the Funkhousers to Larry David, who turns 68 today. Pretty…pretty…pretty good!

Also, a happy birthday to a true legend at Sports Illustrated and the woman who hired me, Bambi Wulf. It’s a name built for literary introspection.

Starting Five

UM, what went wrong?

1. Unnecessary Gruffness

Harbaugh. Cowherd. Bye?. Buy. Bye-bye…

2. Spending Spree…Well

Knight, Bledsoe, Booker, Goodwin. Phoenix keeps pushing toward an all-Kentucky lineup.

On the first day of NBA free agency, fans got a bitter taste of just how out of proportion NBA revenues are to our own expectations of economic reality: Brandon Knight, Suns, five years, $70 million. Khris Middleton, Bucks (I’ll say!), the same. Sure, Kevin Love got more (5 years, $110 M), but at least he’s an All-Star.

In the next five years Knight is set to earn more $$ each year than another 6’3″ Suns guard, who only retired last season, Steve Nash, ever earned in any year of his career.
The Cavs, by the way, sewed up Love, Tristan Thompson and Iman Shumpert for a combined $230 million…in case you were wondering what the going rate of bringing a championship to a city that hasn’t seen one in more than five decades costs.

3. Ohh, England

You can only feel empathy for Bassett, no? That patch is rather ironic.

An own goal in stoppage time by Laura Bassett dooms the English in the Women’s World Cup semi final versus Japan. Blimey!

Gary Smith has already typed 7,000 words on this….

4. Lost…and Unfortunately, Found

When your double murder suspect gives the mug shot photographer the side eye

The Missing Maricopans, Mike and Tina Careccia, have been found. Well, their bodies have. Not far from where the car disappeared. And not far from a local watering hole. A suspect, Jose Valenzuela, is in custody. Go ahead, Donald Trump, take a bow.

5. Peas Be With You

Legume (let go of me), peas! Even POTUS weighed in. They do not belong in guacamole. As someone tweeted at the New York Times, who suggested as much, “Nobody likes you.” It’s true, by the way.

Forrest Gump: “We go together like peas and carrots.” Okay.

Grey Lady: “We go together like peas and avocados.” Not so fast, my friend.

Reserves

. Donald: Duck!

Finally, the Rape of the Sabines has been solved. It wasn’t the Romans; it was a team of prep cooks.

Donald Trump to Don Lemon“Well, somebody’s doing the raping, Don! I mean somebody’s doing it! Who’s doing the raping? Who’s doing the raping?”

I’m no expert on crime statistics, Donald, but I’d say, “Men, mostly.” Also, men who know their victims.

 

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters

It may be Wednesday, but Debbie Harry, who turns 70 today, will always be our Sunday Girl. Stay at home, Sunday Girl.

Happy 70th to the lead singer of Blondie. Related: Where do we sign up to be part of Camp Funtime?

Starting Five

A victory over Germany followed by a clinching of the championship versus Japan? It’s possible.

1. Germany Out, Bring on Japan (or England)

“We just beat the Jerrys in the World Cup — this IS the end of football!”

That last night I happened to see the Mad Men episode in which Lane Pryce watches the 1966 World Cup, in which England defeats Germany in the final (men’s), was pure whimsy. But, as you know, the U.S. women defeated world No. 1 Germany last night in Montreal, 2-0, to advance to Sunday’s final versus either Japan or England.

iCarli

Midfielder Carli Lloyd scored the go-ahead goal in the 2nd half on a penalty kick before assisting on an insurance goal to Broadway star Kelley O’Hara very late in the affair. Team USA has now gone 513 minutes without allowing a goal in this tournament.

A Germany-Japan double in the last two games? Possible. If that happens and the US wins, I’ll don my white sailor’s suit, head to Times Square, and smooch the first stranger I see. Happy days are here again….

2. Arsons of Anarchy

Seven black churches razed in nine days, all of them in the South.

Since the Charleston shootings on June 17 in which nine African-Americans were murdered at the Emanuel AME Church, SEVEN black churches have been put to flames. All of them in the South. We see you, KKK.

June 22: College Hills Seventh-Day Adventist Church, Knoxville

June 23: God’s Power of Christ Church, Macon, Ga.

June 24: Briar Creek Road Baptist Church, Charlotte

June 24: Fruitland Presbyterian Church, Gibson County, Tenn.

June 26: Greater Miracle Apostolic Holiness Church, Tallahassee, Fla.

June 26: Glover Grove Baptist Church, Warrenville, S.C.

June 30: Mount Zion Methodist Episcopal Church, Greeleyville, S.C.

3. This Could Be the Last Time

The Glimmer Twins, et al: Am I rough enough? Am I rich enough?

It’s July 1 and I doubt rock and roll will ever see a month quite like this again.
Here are the bands that you would be able to see live this month if time and money allowed (I’ll put EU in parens if band is in Europe): The Rolling Stones, The Who (EU), The Grateful Dead, Paul McCartney (EU and USA), Bob Dylan (EU), Van Morrison (EU), Billy Joel, Brian Wilson, Neil Young, Van Halen, Rush and U2.

4. Go! Go! Gunhild!

The Western States 100, which began in 1977, is the granddaddy of ultra marathons. Last weekend in northern California a grandmommy stole the show. Gunhild Swanson of Spokane, who was born in Germany, became the first woman over the age of 70 to complete the Western States. Moreover, she finished in 29:59:54, just six seconds shy of the race’s 30-hour cut-off.

My hunch is that Amelia Boone will probably win this race next year….

5. More Markazi!

The friendliest man we know…

I’m using No. 5 today to say congratulations to my good friend Arash “Guest List
Markazi, who is about to pull the Gabe Kotter routine and teach at his old school: the University of Southern California. Arash will also be moving up from ESPN LA to ESPN Original Recipe.

One of the true good dudes in the business, and just about the sweetest sportswriter (those words go together only in the rarest of circumstances: Arash, Dick “Hoops” Weiss and Bruce Feldman come to mind) you’d ever meet. Koala bears envy Arash his adorable nature.

Good for you, Professor Markazi. Knock ’em dead.

Music 101

You Suck

Right now there’s dust on my guitar, you ****/And it’s all your fault/Oh, you paralyze my mind/And for that you suck

Remember the early 1990s, when grunge and Lilith Fairy-ness battled it out during the last relevant days — as a music channel — of MTV? These are The Murmurs and they’re angry.

Remote Patrol

Whiplash

STARZ 9 p.m.

“Now play me that Pina Colada Song and make it bleed!”

“Were you rushing or were you dragging?” From what I’ve been told (I haven’t seen it yet), this will probably be the most fondly remembered film of 2014. Five years from now, this story of a jazz drumming prodigy and his martinet of an instructor will be the movie you’d be willing to watch on TV. Can’t say the same for Boyhood or Birdman.