by John Walters
Starting Five
1. They’re Not Booing, They’re Just Saying, “Caitlyn! Caitlyn!”
From decathlete to heptathlete. Okay, fine.
I don’t have the slightest problem with the 1976 Olympic gold medalist changing his gender. I think I have a slight problem with the Tolerance Nazis ordering me how I’m supposed to feel about it.
Dig: Just because something is medically possible does not make it natural. On the other hand, just because something is unnatural does not make it unethical or “outside God’s plan.” Then again, you are welcome to differ with me on this second point if you like.
Also, part of the disbelief factor, for those of us who are old enough to remember the Montreal Games, is that in the mid-Seventies Bruce Jenner was the apotheosis of masculinity. He was the world’s strongest, fastest male. Being shocked by what has transpired may simply be a matter of, for people of a certain age, being amazed by the fact that this man, of all men, made this transformation.
It has been 39 years since Bruce Jenner graced the cover of a Wheaties box. I never kept up with the Kardashians. He always seemed like a good guy and I’m sure she’s a great gal. For me, I leave it at that. Mostly, I don’t care how she is living her life these days as long as she treats others well. Isn’t that all anyone should ask of others, no matter how they happen to pee?
2. The Lion, The Tourist and the Rolled Down Window
Beast mode
As an unabashed fan of natural selection, and nature, I’m not happy that this female American tourist lost her life at a lion park in Johannesburg, South Africa. But I’m not at all blaming the lion, either.
I keep finding myself writing stories about, or being in awe of, people who in my opinion understand the danger that we as a species are placing ourselves in. That is, living lives that are outside nature. Bud Grant. Zita Cobb. And most recently, Dean Potter, who had this to say in 2006 after people were pissed that he’d climbed Delicate Arch in Utah.
“Mankind is totally separating himself from nature — drilling for oil in the wildest places, jack-hammering footsteps that lead to (Delicate) Arch, paving roads and parking lots so that people can just sit in their cars and view nature….The wilderness is infinite in what it offers.”
These people are my heroes. You may think I sound like a whack job, but these people get it: The Matrix is real. How ironic is it that if you look around you see an array of life and landscapes beyond anything that mankind could ever comprehend or build, and yet people wait overnight on lines for the newest iPhone upgrade or the latest X-Box game?
Reality is so far superior to virtual reality.
On Sunday I visited the Bronx Zoo. I went into the Congo exhibit, where apes are on display (it’s awesome, by the way). I wasn’t in there more than a minute when I heard a lady ask her friend, “Are you saying these monkeys are related to us?”
A few minutes later I came upon the mountain gorilla exhibit. I was happy to see how many people were enthralled by it. At one point a baby gorilla attempted to climb up on her mother’s back. Moments later — and I’m not making this up — a young father, Homo sapiens, squatted down so that his son could climb up on his back to better see the momma gorilla and her baby.
I just smiled.
As soon as we lose our love and appreciation for the natural world, we are doomed. Many of us have already lost it. Which is sad. Heaven is all around you. Just open your eyes.
3. Well, That Was Heavy, JW. Why Don’t We Just Use This Number To Cleanse Our Palates and Move On To No. 4? Okay.
Hey, who invited an Eighties song to the party?
4. Auto-Erotic Correct
If you take out the “B” it’s “Garage Time” and that would be a solid high-concept show
Comedy is not easy. I fail at it here every day.
Last Sunday on Garbage Time host Katie Nolan attempted a Schumer-ian skit on the National Spelling Bee done as a “30 For 30.” Good idea, uneven execution. The only part that actually made me laugh was the closing tag: “What if I told you some bees sting more than others?” Now that’s good.
5. WTF?
In rural Oklahoma, an assistant pastor, Nehemiah Fischer, and his brother, Brandon Fischer, go fishing on their father’s property (yes, they were Fischers who fished; I couldn’t help but point that out; it’s an affliction). Their truck is trapped by flood waters. When state troopers arrive at the scene –not sure if they were called or not — an argument ensues and Nehemiah Fischer is fatally shot.
Thus far, the story does not add up. It’s like a 21st century version of A River Runs Through It. Brandon Fischer has been charged with assaulting an officer and public intoxication.
Music 101
The Impression That I Get
Two things on Boston ska punk The Mighty Mighty Bosstones. First, lead singer Dicky Barrett wins the award for rocker who most resembles a Wall Street banker. Second, dancer Ben Carr has the best job in the world. This ’97 tune hit No. 23 on the Billboard charts and No. 1 on the Modern Rock charts. Turn it up!
Remote Patrol
Extreme Weight Loss
ABC 9 p.m.
I’m not going to watch this (I don’t presently have a TV; I’m not watching anything). I just wanted to point out the irony of a 2-hour program airing on a lovely late spring evening about weight loss. You could waste two hours of your life watching this or…you could exercise.
