by John Walters

Starting Five

The 6’4″ first baseman is batting .347 in this nascent season

1. Duda, Who Stole My Car? 

The New York Mets –not Mess–make it 10 in a row with a second straight conquest of the Braavos (“Valar Morghulis“) at Citi Field. Lucas Duda drove in the game-winning run in the 8th.

Most of these wins have come without David Wright. At 12-3, the Mets have baseball’s best record as today’s first pitch is at 1:10 p.m. The last and only time the Mets opened 13-3? In 1986, the last year they won the World Series.

p.s. The Yanks have taken 2 of the first 3 from Detroit, which has the A.L’s best record, in Motown.

2. Buenos Diaw

A late steal by Boris Diaw (who was once tres chubby) forces overtime in L.A. and the Spurs steal one on the road in overtime. Spurs-Clips now at one game apiece with the reminder that if this goes seven, Game 7 will be on the night of Saturday, May 2, the same evening as Mayweather-Pacquiao. 

3. Yes, But Is She Still *#%$-able?

Hello, Irony. In the same week that People magazine anoints a 50 year-old actress, Sandra Bullock, the World’s Most Beautiful Woman, Amy Schumer does a bit with a trio of over-40 actresses about no longer being, in Hollywood’s eyes, suitable for mattressing.

Louis-Dreyfuss, Schumer, Fey and Arquette

If you haven’t seen the bit, from the season premiere of Inside Amy Schumer, here it is (but don’t show Phyllis!).

p.s. You can’t win everything, Taylor.

4. Kurt’s Last Song

Nirvana, following their morning run

Nirvana played its final gig on March 1, 1994, at an airplane hangar in Munich, Germany. Kurt Cobain’s voice was in horrible shape, as he was suffering from both bronchitis and laryngitis (and heroin?). Anyway, Rolling Stone has audio of the final song the band played together in public, Heart-Shaped Box. As you’ll learn if you read the item –or if you keep reading here — the band opened the show with a sarcastic version of The Cars’ My Best Friend’s Girl (I’d like to hear that).

5. Guardians of the Gala (see?)

Amy Schumer pranks Kanye, who’s always up for a good joke, especially if it’s at his expense

JW, where were you Tuesday night? We couldn’t find you.

Oh, you know, I attended the Time 100 Gala at Lincoln Center.

Really?!? As what!?!

Well, my gym is in the 2nd basement of the building. So, I mean, I was there.

Cool.

I mean, I totally deserved to be there. It’s cool. I’m attending the Newsweek 200 Gala next week. We’re going to block out a few picnic benches on Stone Street and grab some pizza from Adrienne’s. I think Amy Schumer would enjoy it more, anyway.

Aaaand, Scene.

So, yes, Nerd Season officially began this week with the Time 100 Gala. Up next is the White House Correspondents Dinner, where Will MacAvoy will be served a subpoena, followed by Anna Wintour’s annual shakedown of the fashion industry, better known as the Met Gala. 

Music 101

O-o-h Child

Someday, child, we’ll walk in the rays of a beautiful sun….

Believe it or not, in the summer of 1970 there was a group of five African-American siblings from the Chicago area who scored a Top 10 hit with an absolute classic and they weren’t the Jackson Five (who hailed from nearby Gary, Ind.). No, this was The Five Stairsteps, and even though their vocals aren’t quite up to the Jacksons’ standards, this tune stands the test of time. It’s been covered more than 20 times.

Here’s the band performing lip-synch-live on Soul Train. Any time you get to see Don Cornelius is a good time….

Remote Patrol

Jimmy Kimmel Live

ABC 11:30 p.m.

Why am I touting this? Because Earth, Wind & Fire are performing with Chicago. That’s a lot of brass. This pairing of Chicago-based horn sections is only about 40 years late, but hey, who’s counting?

by John Walters

Starting Five

1. LeBron James Is Awesome!*

The Cleveland Cavaliers went up 2-0 in their opening round series against the Boston Celtics, who despite having no talented players taller than 5’9″, would probably beat five of the teams in the Eastern Conference playoffs. Anyway, a headband-free LeBron James scored 30 points and teamed up with Kryie Irving to score the Cavs’ final 28 in the 99-91 victory (Boston has beaten the spread in both games, FYI).

James also had nine rebounds, seven assists, two blocks, spent halftime in Baltimore marching with protesters, and killed him a b’ar when he was only three.

*Susie B.-sponsored post

2. New York Citi

Kevin Plawecki, a 1st-round pick from Purdue, made his Major League debut at catcher last night and had 2 hits. Travis d’Arnaud suddenly feels a lot better.

Derek Jeter retires and passes the wand to Flushing, as the New York Mets stretch their glorious start at their ballpark, Citi Field, to 8-0 with a 7-1 defeat of the Braves. The Mets are 11-3 and have now won 9 straight –11 in a row, back in 1990, a streak chronicled in Sports Illustrated at the time by a young Steve Rushin— and have done so without David Wright, who tweaked a hammy last night. Jonathon Niese, the Mets’ fourth starter, pitched shutout ball into the 7th inning.
Watch out for the Mets. Seriously. Jacob deGrom, Matt Harvey and Bartolo Colon are 8-1 and have respective WHIPs of 1.14, 1.00 and 0.80

3. Oz, The Great and Powerful

This Oz(zy) once sang about needing to see his “Rock ‘n Roll Doctor,” but it probably wasn’t our Dr. Oz

So, on the opening day of May sweeps, Dr. Oz will address on his syndicated talk show the 10 doctors, as opposed to the four out of five doctors, who want him to resign from his position at Columbia Medical School. I agree that Oz should stop making claims that he can give patients a heart, a brain…courage. Other than that, I just wish he’d stop sending me “Fat Burner” emails. PLEASE, Doc.

4. You Deserve a Break Today*

“C’mon, baby, light my fire/C’mon, baby, light my fire/Try to set the night on fire/Try to set the night on fi-URRRR!”

I hear people saying –some directly to me– that this final half-season of Mad Men is lazy, unfocused (“just like you, JW!”), that it’s not as funny now that Belushi and Murray left. But I’m still enjoying it. Why I loved Sunday’s episode:

–Was that an ode to a show of that era, Love, American Style, with the two strange romantic arcs: Joan and the retiree (he was straight outta Love Boat central casting, by the way) and Monotone Glenn and Betty going all The Graduate on us? I was really hoping for a fadeout view of Betty reclining on a chaise with mutton-chopped Glenn in the shot farther away but viewed through her bent leg.

“Mrs. Draper, are you trying to seduce me?”

–The scene with Don and Peggy? That’s a time-capsule scene for that pair. You can feel the tension. She enters annoyed, then becomes sincere, then exits pissed. “Why don’t you tell me your dreams so I can shit all over them?” Classic.

–And then there’s Mathis. It’s like this, Johnny. No one intentionally walks a guy who has to bunt to get on base, you know? Anyhoo, I love reading Mark Lisanti’s “Mad Men Power Rankings” almost as much as I enjoy Mad Men. I’m going to miss both.

*The catchphrase from 1970 that Peggy will NOT come up with, which will haunt her forever. It was named the No. 1 ad jingle of the CENTURY by Advertising Age.

5. Their City of Ruins

“Iraq burns; its fate will forever remain on our conscience,” so reads the story’s last line.

Remember the Iraq War (no, not the Gulf War)? There were a few so-so films (Jarhead, Three Kings, Courage Under Fire, In The Valley of Elah) and one or two excellent ones (The Hurt Locker, American Sniper), and then we pretty much left? Well, the country is a dumpster fire these days –and perhaps it always was. I’m going Deitsch on you here and recommending this story in Rolling Stone, by Matthieu Aikins, from last month titled “Baghdad on the Brink.” 

*****

p.s. from yesterday: On the date I wrote about how awesome Under Armour stock is, it tumbled more than 5%. I have a certain touch.

Music 101

Don’t Stop Til You Get Enough

Keep on with the force/Don’t stop/Don’t stop ’til you get enough

The first track from Michael Jackson’s first post-pubescent solo album, Off The Wall, igniting the fuse of  the brightest solo pop career in music history. Written and recorded by the King of Pop, this was his first No. 1 hit in seven years (Ben, 1972, an ode to a rat) and the first of 10 No. 1 hits he’d have (not including duets). It also earned him his first Grammy. The pre- and post-pubescent Jackson are essentially two different people (and artists) and this, in a sense, was Michael’s coming-out party.

Remote Patrol

Game 2: Spurs at Clippers

TNT 10:30 p.m.

The new star on Team Epcot actually grew up not very far from Staples Center

Sign in the Los Angeles Clipper locker room: “We Don’t Lose To Virgin Islander, Argentine, French, Italian, Brazilian, Kiwi or Australian Players.” I want San Antonio to win, but I want Michelle Beadle to sit down and shut up. It’s a conundrum.

by John Walters

Starting Five

This is not even a paid ad. We are doing it ALL WRONG at MH.

1. U(S)A!

The sports footwear and clothing company, Under Armour, reports earnings today. Under Armour (UA) is trying very hard to be the 21st century Nike, and thus far you cannot dismiss the Maryland-based company and its charismatic founder, Kevin Plank.

Here’s the thing, though, and why I’m leading with a stock story. Some of the most oft-mentioned brands of the past year or so have soared 100% 50% or more in value over that period.

Think about this: millionaires hand their money to hedge fund managers, who routinely promise an annual return of less than 10% in return for you handing them a minimum of $1 million (sometimes I specialize my stories specifically for An Inconvenient Ruth). Anyway, sure, great, but you haven’t had to be a genius or an alum of Goldman Sachs to find big returns in stocks the past couple of years. Look at the trendy names, invest in them, and just sit back and watch. To wit:

NetFlix (NFLX)….. Last April 21: $349 Today: $567 Up 62%

Apple (AAPL)….  Last April 21: $75 Today: $128  Up 71%

Chipotle (CGM)….Last April 21: $522 Today: $686 Up 31%

Under Armour (UA)….Last April 21: $53.50 Today: $84.76 Up: 58%

The question, of course, may be, Are their runs up finished? Perhaps. Under Armour, as I said, reports after the bell today (this is where I’m obligated to tell you I own UA stock, so hell yes I’m biased). The important thing I’ve learned, though, is to be less of a trader and more of an investor. Buy good companies and just walk away for awhile.

2. Headey, Lamar Make Magazine Covers (“That’s Headley! No, Wait a Minute, It’s Not. My Bad.”)

Lena Headey– that’s Queen Mother Cersei to you–on the cover of More, because they can’t come right out and call it Cougar

Lena Headey, who is pregnant, will not reveal the name of the father. Art imitates life sometimes. And then Kendrick Lamar made the cover of the Rolling Stone (when you cannot personally identify one song by someone on the cover of RS, you’re officially old. That’s me.)

Okay, so who’s the stylist?

3. EGOT Does Not Equal GoT

Helen Hayes, the first female EGOT winner

I discovered this while reading a(nother) dry and funny Stephen Douglas post in The Big Lead, this one dealing with Michelle Beadle’s Spurs fandom (Can we all agree that Beadle has become juuuuuuuuuust a little too full of herself? No? Well, whatever…). Anyway, it’s called EGOT, and it stands for Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, Tony, and refers to people who have won all four.

Only 12 people have done it, including Audrey Hepburn, Mel Brooks and Whoopi Goldberg (yes, Whoopi Goldberg). The latest, and youngest, member of the club is Robert Lopez, a talented lyricist and writer who co-created The Book of Mormon and Avenue Q, as well as writing songs for Frozen. Lopez is 40 and he may or may not have twin brothers who are taking part in the NBA playoffs.

4. The Price is (Bleep)

“Always Be Closing…with Aroldis Chapman!”

I went to a pre-game manager’s presser and Glengarry, Glen Ross broke out. Cincinnati Reds manager Bryan Price, in a pre-game meeting with reporters (standard), unleashes the F-word 77 times in five minutes. I have to admit, I was shocked: I thought Sparky Anderson was still managing the Reds. Also, who’s the guy who counted the number of F-words and how long did that take? “Are you sure it’s 77, Skip, because I got 75.” “Okay, let’s start over.”

5. That Item in Which The World Showers Taylor Swift with Love and Adulation Again (and Kanye Is Not Allowed in the Building)

MH has exceeded its use of Taylor Swift pics already for 2015 (and it isn’t even May), so please enjoy this photo of Stormile Swift (who recently won the Stromilestone Award)

That girl wins the Milestone Awards at the ACMs on Sunday night. Mom gives the introductory speech in which she reveals that Taylor wrote her breakout hit, Love Story, in one hour after her parents told her that they strongly disapproved of a boy (“and rightfully so!).

Music 101

And When I Die

This 1968 tune, as recorded by Blood, Sweat & Tears (that’s 1960s for “Chicago”), reached No. 2 on the Billboard charts, but the real story here is Laura Nyro. The songwriter, who also penned Wedding Bell Blues (“Bill, I love you so/And I always will…”) wrote this uplifting tune about death in 1966 when she was just 17, and then sold it to The Mamas & The Papas for $5,000. Then two years later BS&T recorded it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vRu1Lk3IK8c

The lead singer with the strong, rich, raspy voice is David Clayton-Thomas, and his story is right out of Inside Llewyn Davis. Barely surviving on handouts in New York City in the Sixties, he was singing at a Greenwich Village club one night when Judy Collins saw him. She told her friends, who were looking for a lead singer in their band about him, and the next thing you know he was singing lead for BS&T. And then the first album they did together sold 10 million copies. It’s just…that…easy.

Remote Patrol

Paris St. Germain at F.C. Barcelona

FS1  2:45 p.m.

Thomas Muller leads Bayern, as he led Germany to the World Cup last summer. But will we even see him today?

With apologies to the dudes at FOX Sports, who do a splendid job of covering the footy, they’re airing the wrong game. Yes, Lionel Messi is the greatest artist to work in Spain since Picasso, but Barca is at home and already have a 2-goal lead heading into the 2nd leg of the quarterfinal. Meanwhile in Munich, Bayern must rebound from a 2-goal deficit as it hosts surprising FC Porto. For much of the winter, Bayern Munich looked like the best club team in the world. Injuries have ravaged them, however, but the UEFA Champions League final will be played in Berlin. Germany’s glorious year of soccer uber alles is at risk.

by John Walters

Starting Five

Smart enough not to grow a mustache.

1. Anagram: Handsome –> Don Shame

Allow me to take up the defense of Don Draper. When Johnny Mathis tells him, “You don’t have any character; you’re just handsome,” I thought, Well, he’s half-right. Don has his flaws –one very serious one– but time and again in this episode he’s doing the right thing. He’s actually very zen.

As my TV-viewing host and friend, Chris C (THANKS!). noted,  it was the Beautiful People episode of Mad Men. Lots of Don, Joan and Betty. Also, wondering if Matt Weiner will really kill off his son in Vietnam. We’ll likely never learn.

Great close last night. “Now we just have to find a place for you,” Don hears as the camera fades out and he stands in the hallway looking into his empty future.

2. Harmonic Emergence

Segal (top, middle) dazzled the crowd of 2,800 on hand

Attended the International Championships of Collegiate A Cappella (ICCAs) at the Beacon Theater on Saturday. The winners, for the fourth time: the SoCal Vocals from USC –although a shout-out to Baylor’s VirtuOSO troop, whose rendition of Uptown Funk was the night’s biggest crowd-pleaser.

The SoCal Vocals shrewdly showcased a beautiful, vibrant brunette female vocalist whose name I believe is Nikki Segal. She had a terrific voice and an even more captivating stage presence. Bigger things ahead for this one.

3. Mad Matrimony

Everyone favorite (or least favorite) Wall Street pundit, the perpetually frenetic Jim Cramer, gets married (even though some of his buddies reportedly warned, “Don’t buy! Don’t buy!”). Cramer, 60, wed 49 year-old Lisa Detwiler, 49, of the Corcoran Group, a real-estate firm. It is the second marriage for both, so they’re diversifying.

4. “That’s a Really Big ‘Shoe”

Only 7 schools of 125 or so averaged as much attendance last season as the Buckeyes got for their spring scrimmage. THE OSU did lead the nation in attendance last season.

Nearly 100,000 braved idyllic April weather in Columbus on Saturday afternoon to watch defending national college football champion Ohio State face…Ohio State. The Scarlet & Gray Spring Game. Announced attendance inside Ohio Stadium, alias The ‘shoe: 99,391 at $5 per person (mostly). That’s a school record. And that was with Braxton Miller, Ezekiel Elliott and others not even suiting up.

There’s nothing the hell to do in Ohio.

5. No Safe Harbor

A typical refugee vessel. There is no Lido deck. The all-night buffet is you.

An estimated 700 Libyan migrants drown in the Mediterranean when their ship capsizes. Not to be confused with the 12 Christians who were thrown overboard and drowned last week by their fellow fleeing Muslim passengers. We have a lot less to complain about than most of the world (not that it stops us from doing so).

Music 101 

Hands Across the Sea

I did not mean to hurt you/You took me by surprise/There is still a chance if we just close our eyes

There were more successful New Wave bands than Modern English, but there was no one who was both Newer and Wavier: their look, their sound, their band name and their big hit (Melt With You, the signature song of the era) all embodied the period. You may think of them as a one-hit wonder, but I always thought this tune, which feels a littl Thompson Twins-ish, deserved more love. A much-belated shout-out to the acoustic guitarist I came across in Jacksonville in 1995 playing this tune at a beach bar. I haven’t forgotten, dude.

Remote Patrol

Game 2: Pelicans at Warriors

TNT 10:30 p.m.

Curry & Kerr. Is there a Currier? A Kerriest?

Golden State is 40-2 at Oracle Arena this season. Good luck, Anthony Davis (35 points in Game 1)

by John Walters

Starting Five

“Laura Rutledge, come on down! You’re the next contestant on ‘The Sideline is Right’ “

1. When the Britt Hits the Fan

As I tweeted earlier, it’s kind of ironic that Britt McHenry was interviewing hockey players,  many of who never attended college and are missing their front teeth, this week.

So I’m going to assume that McHenry won’t be putting this on her demo reel?

Some folks tweeted that she in no way deserves to be fired, that you can’t can someone just because they say awful things. Maybe not, but she’s not Ken from Accounting. McHenry is a television personality. Part of her job is having the audience like her. And now the audience has seen that behind that pretty face was an ugly person. At least in that moment.

A one-week suspension isn’t long enough. It would be better for her if they suspended her for a month. Hell, Ballghazi went away. Why not this?

2. A Reminder…

Granted, it’s a long season and if Anthony Davis misses this shot, who knows what unfolds afterward in a different fashion for both teams? Still, the Pelicans beat the Thunder out for the 8th spot in the West despite having the same record (45-37), meaning they won the tiebreaker. So what happens if Davis doesn’t hit this crazy buzzer-beater?

And, yes, the score was tied at the time. So they’d have gone to overtime. Davis on the night: 41 points, 10 boards.*

*Read comment below by our friend Okerland for a great Paul Harvey nugget on this….

3. Cub Scouts…

…love rookie Kris Bryant. In fact, all scouts do. Today the Cubbies called up the rookie phenom slugger from Las Vegas.

Last season in the minors, Bryant his .325 with 43 home runs. This spring in the Cactus League, the six-foot-five, 23 year-old batted .425 with nine home runs. The Cubbies kept him in minor league ball the minimum 12 days, which means they’ll get to have hime an extra season before he may file for free agency. Don’t think Scott Boras will forget that.

Still, the drought is at 107 years. Money aside (if that’s possible), what player wouldn’t want to be a part of the history of bringing the North Side a World Series title?

4. The Ultimate Walk-Off

Model Giselle Bundchen, the Olivia Munn of the AFC, makes her last strut up and down the catwalk yesterday at the Sao Paolo Fashion Show. Bundchen, 34, is a mother of two. Bundchen, who is Brazilian except that she’s really German, has been walking runways at fashion shows since age 14.

5. Shame On Us

This is the world’s last male northern white rhino, now under 24 hour guard. Notice the one soldier stroking it as if to caress. There are a few female white rhinos. Let’s pray for a comeback.

Asshole poachers kill the rhino for its horn so that asshole people can use it for supposed medicinal value. Guess where rhinos live? Africa. Guess where terrorist organizations thrive? Africa? Guess what terrorist organizations want/need/crave? Funding, by any means possible.

If I had the money, I’d build ranches for endangered animals. All things wise and wonderful/All creatures great and small/All things bright and beautiful/The Lord God made them all.*

*Even if you’re an atheist, you get the gist.

Music 101

Happy Together

Me and you/And you and me/No matter how they toss the dice/It had to be

The Turtles, a No. 1 Billboard hit, 1967. This song knocked the Beatles’ Penny Lane from No. 1, spent three weeks there, then got bumped by Frank and Nancy Sinatra. Those were the days, kids.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tvu3xiFmfDU

Remote Patrol

Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!

Spurs at Clippers, Game 1

10:30 p.m. TNT

Kawhi: I guess I’ll just have to DVR Veep

So Adam Silver puts the first game of the most intriguing first-round playoff series directly up against Mad Men and Veep/Last Week Tonight? This is NOT cool. Not cool. Gonna be quite a testy series.