STARTING FIVE

The men’s winner, Filipe Toledo, from Brazil, survived a Sharknado-free event

1. Board Games

If I’m Fox Sports 1, I recognize that probably half my on-air talent and as many staffers as can afford it probably live in Manhattan Beach, Huntington Beach and/or Redondo Beach (amirite, Bruce?) and next year I land the broadcast (as opposed to webcast) rights to the U.S. Open of Surfing. It’s kind of a big deal in southern California, as you can see here…

…and you know what surfing competitions in southern California have no shortage of? Beautiful people in bathing suits…

Contestants at the U.S. Open of Surfing are subject to pier review

Yes, I’d add this to my somnolent summer lineup, as well as the Badwater Ultra from Death Valley and the Leadville Trail 100 in Colorado, the DIPSEA from Marin County and Mount Marathon from Seward, Alaska (the last two being the two oldest U.S. footraces outside the Boston Marathon). These are iconic American events (even if they are won by foreigners) that ESPN celebrity-dom and silly money have yet to spoil. The winner of this event, Toledo, pocketed $100,000, which was barely enough to cover the tab he and his friends probably rang up at Katsuya later that night.

2. Attention To Detail

The first rival band to spell out “M-I-H-I-G-A-N S-T-A-T-E” during its halftime show wins a free subscription to Miedium Happy

3. Taylor’s Summer (Hospital) Tour

Taylor Swift: Albums that go multi-platinum, heart of gold

I do love the Taylor Swift. I love how she wears dresses that make me wonder if she’s headed to a picnic with Tyrone Power . I love that she’s rather gawky and gangly and knows that deep down she’s not one of the cool kids. And I love that her heart’s always in the right place.  Yesterday she visited this sick six year-old lad at Boston Children’s Hospital –while some geniuses were probably vandalizing her beach estate– and serenaded him with “We Are Never Getting Back Together,” one of the great F-You tunes of the 21st century.

Taylor actually said, “I will play ANY song you want” and with all my heart I hoped that the ragamuffin would answer, “Just don’t do anything off your new album.” (also, amateur move here, T-Swizzle: You must have one of your roadies tune the guitar before you arrive in Intensive Care).

Afterward,  Taylor promised to hit two home runs for him later that night. I KNOW!

Wouldn’t it be cool if Swift did an entire summer tour of visits to children’s hospitals? Just not the one in Toronto, which she should boycott (girlcott?) because they call it, they actually refer to it, as “Sick Kids Hospital.” Seriously.

Adjacent to “Dead KIds Funeral Home”

“Mommy, am I gonna die?”

     “No, Billy, everything’s fine.”

“Then why are you taking me to SICK KIDS’ HOSPITAL!?!”

4. Accepting the Scallenge

Here’s hoping you did not burn your old Scalabrine Celtics jersey

Is there anything sexier than a person who doesn’t take themselves too seriously? Pardon me while I ask Darren Rovell.

Here’s NBA veteran/journeyman Brian Scalabrine doing a near line-for-line satire on LeBron James’ “I’m Coming Home” essay to explain why he signed with the Boston Celtics. Genius.

Scalabrine has actually played 11 NBA seasons, the same number as LeBron, and has only one less NBA championship ring.

5. The Funk You Talkin’ About!

I wonder if Boseman studied tapes of Eddie Murphy doing James Brown on SNL

The Godfather of Soul, The Hardest Working Man in Show Business, James Brown (“James Browwwwwwn”…that’s for you Talking Heads fans) would probably tear off his purple leisure suit if he were to learn that the man portraying him in the biopic “Get On Up” is named Chadwick. Seriously, Chadwick? However, Chadwick Boseman, 32 and a Howard alum, is on quite a roll. Last summer he portrayed another 20th century African-American icon, Jackie Robinson (what makes it even more astounding is that Boseman is a white kid from New Canaan, Conn.) and the reviews were solid. This summer, the reviews for the film itself are lukewarm but the praise for his portrayal of Brown practically proclaims “OSCAR!”

Listen, there are three sure-fire ways to garnering at least an Oscar nom: 1) half-retard, 2) dying star turn 3) biopic. So I like Boseman’s chances here. Meanwhile, Jamie Foxx will note that he actually sang all the songs in the Ray Charles biopic, while Boseman here lip syncs.

Finally, will Boseman’s portrayal be anywhere near as charismatic as vintage Eddie Murphy’s, who launched an entire genre of SNL skits with “James Brown’s Celebrity Hot Tub Party“ in the early 1980s (Kenan Thompson’s “What’s Up With That?” completely Scalabrines it). There was a time, in the early ’80s, when Eddie Murphy was the world’s top comedian and this is why. And it ended as soon as he started releasing music himself and we all realized it wasn’t a put-on.

Where in the World

Yesterday: The Freshwater Fishing Hall of Fame, Hayward, Wisc.

Hint: Self-awareness will tell you that this is closer than you think.

STARTING FIVE

Cancel my holiday in Sierra Leone!

1. Going Viral

An incurable virus that has taken the lives of more than 700 people now has hosts in Atlanta, as two U.S. health-care missionaries who were infected in Africa have returned for treatment at the National Institute for Health. One has to ask, Is this more a lost chapter from “World War Z” or the prequel of “The Walking Dead?”

Another pressing question: Which was the better film, “Outbreak” (1996)starring Dustin Hoffman, Rene Russo and Morgan Freeman, or “Contagion,” (2011) which boasted Matt Damon, Gwyneth Paltrow and Lawrence Fishburne –along with Marion Cotillard, Jude Law, Bryan Cranston, Kate Winslet and, of course, Demetri Martin?

I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter spreads very well

Finally, if you’re a fan of irony (and you should be), you have to admit that there would be something ultimately ironic about a potentially apocalyptic –to mankind, at least– disease emanating from Africa, which is also the cradle of human evolution. Something to laugh about as you’re donning your HAZMAT suit.

2. Bye, George

Irving, Plumlee and Hayward are feeling a little nauseous after seeing what happened

Haven’t seen video of Paul George’s injury and I don’t want to –although it is interesting how exponentially many more times I am able to catch video of Eric Garner’s death on TV than the Pacer All-Star’s injury. Anyway, it’s a terrible mishap that will sideline him at least for one year. No need, at least from this camp, to speculate on the why of it, but I think we can all say with certainty now that neither team from last year’s Eastern Conference finals will be returning in 2015: the Pacers are now minus George and Lance Stephenson, while the Heat are without LeBron.

Wizards-Cavs, anyone?

One thing to wonder: Will there be another televised USA Basketball scrimmage any time soon? Methinks not. You can call this a fluke injury, and it was, but somewhere (probably in Larry Bird’s office) people are wondering whether the energy of the scrimmage might have been different had it taken place without any cameras.

3. Tiger’s Back (but like, not, returned)

Golfers must be Gumby-esque

It may not be the most aerobic activity (that Aqua Boot Camp class I took this weekend was more so), but golf is a discipline that rewards players who are more limber, especially in the lower back. Look at Rory McIlroy’s swing (above). Then note that Tiger Woods withdrew from Sunday’s Bridgestone Invitational with lower back pain after rushing to return to the course from back surgery in March.

Tiger is done for 2014. He won’t be playing in next week’s PGA Championship and he won’t play in the Ryder Cup, because hopefully someone with sense will tell him that if he ever hopes to return to close to the form he once showed, he needs a long period of rest to fully recover. You know who might be able to advise that? His girlfriend, Lindsey Vonn, who over-ambitiously attempted to return from a torn ACL in time for Sochi last winter.

Ow

The easy story is Tiger’s demise and Rory’s ascent (and Sergio now playing the role of Phil Mickelson?). But Rory is 25 and flexible, while Tiger is 38 and stiff. If you have or have had lower back pain (raises hand), you know how impossible it is to expect Woods to play this game well with it. And four knee surgeries in 20 years don’t help.

4. Bale to the Victors!*

As Jim Delany ponders whether men’s soccer can be a revenue-producing sport

That’s right, a U.S. record crowd of 109,318 spectators packed Michigan Stadium on a Saturday afternoon in August to spectate –that’s what spectators do–for a friendly pitting Manchester United of the English Premier League versus Real Madrid of La Liga, which proves a couple of things:

1) It’s not yet American Football season.

2) Those members of the national media who trolled the popularity of the World Cup and tried to paint it as a fad by using Major League Soccer attendance and viewership numbers either don’t understand the hierarchy of soccer or were simply being disingenuous. American sports fans, like KISS fans, “wanted the best, and they got the best.” If you put the world’s best soccer players on a stage in the USA in 2014, people will come. In this case that translated to Cristiano Ronaldo and Gareth Bale of Real Madrid and Wayne Rooney, Ashley Young and Chicharito of Manchester United.

Yes, it took an English-based club to return to the suburbs of Detroit wearing the logo of an iconic American auto manufacturer

Keep in mind, this was only an exhibition, in America’s heartland, and yet more than 100,000 people paid anywhere from $45 to $189 to view it. On the other hand, let’s not forget: Real Madrid and Man. U were recently named by Forbes as the world’s 1st and 3rd most valuable sports franchises, respectively. The revolution hasn’t begun; in some respects, it’s already been won.

What’s next for soccer’s growth? Could they go all NFL/NBA and even MLB (the Dodgers opened the season in Australia versus the D-Backs, recall) on the USA and stage a regular-season EPL or La Liga match on our soil? It’s a great idea.

In the interest of fairness, I will note that 67,000 people attended an open practice for the Green Bay Packers at Lambeau Field that same evening.

*Yes, I am aware that Gareth Bale’s team lost.

5. The Dutch Master

deGrom, a Florida native, played shortstop his first two seasons at Stetson University

New York Mess rookie pitcher Jacob de Grom took a no-hitter into the seventh inning against the San Francisco Giants on Saturday night in Queens and in some respects it was the six-foot-four stud’s worst outing in more than a month. Consider that it was the first time deGrom allowed more than one earned run in his past five starts…although it might have been zero if second baseman Daniel Murphy didn’t use an iron mitt.

I remember first seeing deGrom back in May when both he and opposing pitcher Chase Whitley of the Yankees were both making their Major League debuts on the same night. deGrom took the loss, but he allowed just one run in seven innings –and also broke the Mets’ pitchers’ 0-for-64 streak from the plate–and it was clear that he had the superior potential.

deGrom is now only a pedestrian 6-5, but his ERA is 2.45 and he has only allowed more than 3 runs in one of his 10 starts. If the Mess get Matt Harvey back next season in similar form, this rotation has heft.

Where in the World

Previous: Mont. St. Michel, France

Hint: You should see the one that got away

Wow! Wow! Wowza and double wowza! How lucky am I –and how much luckier were you! Here I am, serving three-to-five (days) for aggravated loitering, up in the joint, and an outstanding cast of scribes carried the ball across the line. I felt like (Notre Dame alum) Dave Casper fumbling the ball forward (on my 12th birthday) against the Chargers and then watching as Gene, An Inconvenient Ruth, and then a Double Hubbell (Katie and her brother, Bill, only one of whom still employs that surname) carried the ball over the line. Thank you to all of them! Outstanding job. And if you didn’t read Katie’s review of “Jersey Boys”, it’s better than the movie, says this Jersey boy…Bill H. is better at this than I am; I hope we can get him to do this more often… Also, no making fun of pickleball. It’s the quickest way to incur An Inconvenient Wrath.

Starting Five

Fenway: Good seats will abound for the rest of 2014 to see (what remains of) the reigning World Series champs…

1. The Sell Off

The Dow Jones plunged 317 points, its biggest one-day drop since February, as investors feared…. well, what? Isn’t everything hunky-dory (it is when you have no access to the internet for three days). And the Red Sox will probably continue their deep-water drop in the A.L. East after dealing Jon Lester, John Lackey, Johnny Gomes (“Theeeeeere’s Johnnys!”) and Stephen Drew on Thursday after dealing Jake Peavy over the weekend. At last report, the bullpen cop is still with the Red Sox.

And poor Yoenis Cespedes. How many Home Run Derbies do you have to win to be considered untradeable? You go from this year’s World Series champ to last year’s World Series champs? Oy, papi! I suspect he may just defect from Boston and return to Cuba. Besides, isn’t it just wrong to put the best arm in baseball in left field in Fenway Park? Do the people who produced “Blackfish” know about this little bit of animal cruelty?

2. California Cream

California: Where the grass and the gov are both Brown

A brief update on the Golden Brown State:

In short supply: Water

In abundant supply: Quality baseball teams. Four of California’s five teams should be headed to the playoffs –this has to make L.A.-based FOX Sports and TruBiotic spokesqueen Erin Andrews happy– this autumn. The A’s, Angels and Dodgers, respectively, have the three best records in the game, while the Gianst will probably find a way once again to weasel their way into the postseason and usurp a World Series crown –it ishttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_World_Series_champions, after all.

At least one Cy Young Award winner will come from here (Clayton Kershaw, Dodgers) and at least one MVP (Mike Trout, Angels). My question is simple: Will these teams be fined for watering their lawns each day between now and the end of October?

3. The HitchBOTer’s Guide to the Galaxy

Not as annoying to share a cross-country drive with as Zach Galifianakis

Meet hitchBOT (not to be confused with PimpBOT 5000 from Team Coco). He/she/it is attempting to hitchhike across Canada this summer, having started out in Halifax, Nova Scotia, and aiming to finish in Vancouver, B.C. If you happen to come across hitchBOT, why not stop and pick it up and maybe even take it out to a Tim Hortons for a donut?

4. As The Band Perry and Steve Perry Wait Their Turns

Pop potentate Katy Perry appears on the cover of Rolling Stone for the third time –fourth, if you count Zooey Deschanel. But this is the first time she appears without decolletage. Our little girl wants to be taken seriously.

5. The Caesarean Section

July and August, to which we’ve just crossed over, are easily the two most summer-est months of the year –at least in the northern hemisphere. They’re the only two months for which every day is a summer day. They’re also the only two months named after Roman Caesars, July after Julius Caesar and August after his successor, Octavian, who became Augustus Caesar upon being named emperor.

And then I guess they got bored with the idea. Frankly, I’m totally in favor of Caligulary.