STARTING FIVE

Note: There’s an ‘L” in my surname. I never directed the Ohio State marching band. Just like there’s no “L” in Greg Auman’s name…and he never directed the Allman Brothers.

The Gladiators have won three games this season on the final play of regulation

1. Cleveland Rocks  Ohio Players

The Cleveland Gladiators, an Arena Football League team, are 16-1 with one game remaining, at Tampa tomorrow night. They’ll have home-field advantage throughout the playoffs all the way to the ArenaBowl on August 23. Wouldn’t it be funny if a team ended the city’s 50-year playoff famine before Johnny Manziel or LeBron James ever suited up?

My story in Newsweek here…

2. As Dad Doubles Down on the Oakland A’s…

I’m so glad I talked my dad out of taking Brazil.

Hilarious moment from abroad, brought to our attention courtesy of “Last Week Tonight” with John Oliver. Before the World Cup, Singapore ran an anti-gambling ad in which a little boy is downcast because his father “bet my savings on Germany.”

But Germany won!

(Didn’t anyone at the ad agency realize that die Mannschaft was a favorite? Or did they just go on the whole “a European side has never won a World Cup on South American soil” maxim? Listen, if you want an ad like this to work, you always go with, “My dad bet my life savings on England. ENGLAND!”)

I’d like to see an updated ad in which the dad is one of Singapore’s most successful touts, promising “mortal locks” on field hockey and cricket matches.

3. Lupica’s List

Joe Girardi, who won a World Series ring as both a player and manager, did not make the list; Tom Coughlin did

So the New York Daily News releases a list of the “50 Most Powerful Figures in New York Sports” (No. 1, James Dolan, a benefactor of nepotism who’s decided to victimize all of us because of it). One sports writer makes the list: Mike Lupica at No. 21…who writes for the New York Daily News and whom I imagine believes he should be higher on that list.

Notably not on the list? Michael Kay, who has been the TV voice of the Yankees since 2002 and who also has an afternoon sports talk show on WEPN-FM; the New York Post’s longtime acerbic sports media columnist, Phil Mushnick; anyone from The New York Times, including well-respected sports media columnist Richard Sandomir; any player from the New York Jets (okay, that’s understandable); not a single local sports anchor, including long-time WNBC anchor Bruce Beck or highly regarded Al Trautwig; Walt Frazier or Mike Breen, who’ve been doing the Knick games for years; and while longtime New York Mets media relations gatekeeper Jay Horwitz is included (at No. 50), Jason Zillo, who has performed the same job for the Yankees for more than 15 years and who is very well-liked and highly regarded, is not.

It comes off as a list of people who 1) you just cannot exclude or 2) Lupica cronies. I imagine he had to have vetted the list.

4. One Reporter’s Gaza Odyssey

Last week NBC foreign correspondent Ayman Mohyeldin, who personally witnessed the attack on a Gaza beach in which four boys playing soccer were killed, was a high-profile face of the Israel-Gaza conflict. Mohyeldin, who is Egyptian and American and is fluent in Arabic, has reported from inside Gaza during previous conflicts.

Then Mohyeldin was pulled out of Gaza by NBC in favor of its top dog foreign correspondent, Richard Engel. In fact, on the day of the strike that killed the boys, NBC Nightly News had Engel report the story from Tel Aviv–as opposed to Mohyeldin.

One of three things were happening here: 1) Someone high up at 30 Rock thought that Mohyeldin’s reporting leaned toward the Palestinian side, 2) Engel was asserting his alpha-dog privilege or 3) NBC was afraid that its viewers wouldn’t respond as well to Mohyeldin, or to someone who has a name like his, or looks like him (i.e., not Jewish), as they might to Engel, who is admittedly a familiar face and a highly regarded reporter–and has a name and a face that is not as alienating to Middle America.

It may have been a little of all three, though mostly No. 3. NBC, which first pulled Mohyeldin out of Gaza for “safety concerns” before immediately installing Engel there, has been called out for its hypocrisy. And so now the Peacock has returned Mohyeldin to the Palestinian settlement.

Why do network executives make life so hard on themselves? My experience is because they think they’re the only people in the room with a functioning brain.

5. It’s A Shame About Ray

Nevermore?

Our latest Get Rich Slow idea, a daily sports show that takes umbrage on an issue, The Daily Harrumph, has yet to be picked up by the networks. So I guess we’ll just have to discuss Ray Rice here. Not much to say other than that, yes, two games seems rather lenient.

Did we see what happened inside the elevator between Rice and Janay Palmer, then his fiancee and now his wife? No. Is that relevant? Honestly, I don’t know. Do I agree with Clay Travis, whose Fox Sports column on the issue concluded that it’s society’s fault, and here I quote, “that’s our fault, not the NFL’s?” Heck no. One of my favorite teachers of all time, Jack Labonte, used to say that the “it’s society’s fault” catch-all argument was “a piece of crap” that people use when they’re too lazy intellectually to delve into the actual reasons. I agree.

If you think the punishment is too lenient, it’s the NFL’s fault. It’s not ours.

Personally, striking a woman is never defensible (Jay-Z handles righteously irate and hostile females in elevators with much more aplomb; maybe the NFL should show that video in its next rookie orientation). And Raven coach John Harbaugh should understand how bad he looks when he answers a question about Rice’s suspension with, “It’s not a big deal.”

This steamed rice is nowhere near as hostile

The only against-the-mean thing that I will say is this: As a member of the media, I’m finding the media’s instant I-wasn’t-there-but-I-know or I-don’t-live-in-that-world-but-I-know approach to these daily controversies (Tony Dungy, Rice, etc.) tiresome. At a certain point you have to understand that there’s some nuance to situations, and that the people closest to the situations, who live within the situation, may have a better grasp of it than the guy seated in front of his lap top.

On the surface, Is Ray Rice knocking out a woman a deplorable crime that deserves more than a two-game suspension? Yes. Is that all there is to this? I don’t know. Do you?

Reserves

Velvet ropes sold separately

Lambo Field

This vehicle, and those velvet ropes, belong to Seattle Seahawk running back Marshawn Lynch. He’s an immensely talented player, and he’s holding out for more money. Which he has a right to do –Seattle simply won’t pay him, and we’ll wait to see who blinks first.

Lynch, clearly, is no pauper. Nor is the man who signs his checks. It’s not about fair, it’s not about whether Lynch “needs” a raise. It’s simply about the old Madonna tune –yes, a Madonna tune from the film “Dick Tracy”– (“Nothing’s Better Than) More” and about leverage. We’ll soon find out who has it.

Madonna, by the way, is worth $1 billion.

Where in the World?

Yesterday: the Mercury City Tower in Moscow, Europe’s tallest building

Not Casterly Rock

STARTING FIVE

Three weeks after Angell was born, the Cleveland Indians won the 1920 World Series, five games to two, over Brooklyn

1. Angell in the Outfield (and Infield)

Roger Angell, baseball’s poet laureate whose prose has run in the New Yorker  (that magazine that never puts photos on its cover) for decades, is at long last being inducted into Cooperstown this weekend. Why the delay? Angell is not an actual member of the Baseball Writers Association of America (BBWAA) as he does not actually cover a beat for a newspaper. SI‘s Tom Verducci, a future Hall of Famer himself, profiled Angell for the magazine this week.

2. Aviation’s Awful Week

You already know about MH 17 and the 296 lost passengers and crew. The Dutch welcomed their dead back yesterday.

But just in the last 24 hours, a TransAsia Airways turboprop plane that was attempting to land in a thunderstorm on the island of Penghu, near Taiwan, crashed on its second attempt. There were 47 fatalities.

Yesterday also, Haris Suleman, an Indiana teenager who with his dad, Babar, was attempting to fly around the world in 30 days in their prop plane crashed near Samoa. Haris died and Babar is still missing.

And just last night, an Air Algeria Flight, AH 5017, lost contact with air traffic control en route from Burkina Faso to Algiers. There are 116 people on board. The flight took off from the capital of the land-locked African nation which, if you know its name without looking it up, you’re a far better master of political geography than I. I can’t even spell it, but here goes, “Ouagadougou.” (“You’re too, shy-shy/Hush, hush/Eye to eye“)

3. Dim Whitlock

What’s that thing where you label an entire race, creed or color of people as all having the same trait, particularly if it’s a trait that is a negative one? What do they call that again? I dunno.

Anyway, ESPN’s Jason Whitlock appeared on “Olbermann” recently and did his very best to become the show’s first guest to also be that night’s “World’s Worst Person” by declaring that Canadians “don’t want it as much,” the “it” being championships.

Let’s leave Whitlock behind; he’s long since proven that he’s a joke and often a disgrace. What I hope for is that Olbermann will be Olbermann. If Whitlock or any other national figure had said this off his program, Keith would have lambasted him on air and probably given him a WWP dishonor. But since Whitlock is a fellow member of the WWL Cult, and since he is appearing on Keith’s program, he just received a gentle chiding. Why? Why won’t Olbermann be as objective and passionately righteous with ESPNers as he is with everyone else? It’s holding back his show.

4. Bringing Up “The Baby”

I would NOT want to change that diaper

So I used to host this little film festival in my apartment in the dead of winter in which friends each brought a film, then we sat around and watched the films, made fun of the one our friend Mark B. brought (even if it was good…only because we knew how much thought he’d put into selecting the movie and because it would upset him; we were wonderful friends that way), eat chili, get gassy, and eventually pass out. We called it the Johndance Film Festival.

Anyway, if the festival is ever revived, I’m bringing “The Baby,” a horror movie I recently caught at about 2 a.m. on Turner Classic. It was released in 1973 and is the story of a 21 year-old man whose mother and sisters –both of whom are runway model smokin’– still treat him like an infant. He doesn’t walk or speak and is confined to a crib, though there doesn’t seem to be anything mentally or physically wrong with him. It’s good creepy. Check it out if you get the chance.

5. New Feature: Humans Who Stoke Our Inferiority Complex

z

This is Rula Jebreal. She is a Palestinian/Italian journalist who grew up in an orphanage. She became a physiotherapist, then the first foreign anchorwoman in Italian television history, then a best-selling author, then a documentary film maker, then an MSNBC contributor. She also speaks five languages.

Jebreal made waves recently when she criticized MSNBC for, in her opinion, being egregiously one-sided in its Gaza-Israel conflict coverage. If she’s not a panelist on “Real Time” within the next month, I’ll be surprised.

Reserves

Roll Tide the Knot

We’d like to pat ourselves on the back with the restraint that we showed in our coverage (non-coverage) of the A.J. McCarron-Katherine Webb nuptials, but the wedding took place on the weekend of the World Cup final and we just weren’t paying attention. We missed it. In an effort to maintain our integrity, we’ll only post this pic that the new bride posted from their honeymoon as a link.

Where in the World?

Yesterday: Corinth Canal, Greece (Nicely done, Crash)

Hint: Tallest building in a certain continent

STARTING FIVE

Headley already has more walk-off hits this season than Derek Jeter…because Jeter’s so overrated.

1. Chase Heddy (“That’s Headley!”)

On Tuesday Chase Headley woke up in Chicago, probably in a swank hotel in The Loop, ready to play a game of baseball that night in an iconic ballpark. And he did–but it would not be Wrigley Field. At about 11:30 a.m. Headley was informed that he’d been traded to the New York Yankees, so he promptly hopped a flight –most likely to LaGuardia– and suited up in pinstripes for that night’s game at Yankee Stadium.

The Yanks and Rangers battled 12 scoreless innings (not enough scoring in baseball–so boring!). Then the Rangers scored a run in the top of the 13th. Then the Yankees tied ’em in the bottom of the inning. Then, in the bottom of the 14th, Heddy (“That’s Headley!”), who entered the game around the 5th or 6th inning and was 0-for-3 batting ninth, poked a game-winning single to left-center.

True Yankee.

Headley is wearing No. 12. The only Yankee who is and who can possibly wear a lower number –the others are all retired or soon will be–is lead off hitter Brett Gardner, who wears No. 11.

2. Taylor is the New Fetching

Schilling, beaming, signing ‘graphs before her appearance

So, I’ll confess: I haven’t seen “Orange is the New Black” because I don’t subscribe to NetFlix. And I don’t get out to many Nicholas Sparks films, so I hadn’t seen “The Lucky One.” And while, yes, she was marvelous in “Argo” as Ben Affleck’s wife, she only had one scene, the last scene. And I don’t recall if she even had a line.

So I really didn’t know much about Taylor Schilling. Last night, though, she appeared on Letterman and now I may have a crush. Funny, smart, self-effacing, lovely and utterly thrilled to be seated next to Dave. Here’s a clip that captures much of her charm (watch at :29), and then a later one. At the end I think she wanted to give Dave a hug, but then she pulled back some. Dave still gave her the coveted kiss on top of the hand, which signifies that you went over and above the call of duty as a female guest.

It’s funny. You watch her on Craig Ferguson and there’s lots of uncomfortable flirting, mostly in one direction. The interview with Dave is much less awkward.

3. Grass Half Full

Now also available for wedding receptions and exorcisms

That’s Notre Dame Stadium yesterday, as they install the Field Turf. I’ll reserve judgment for now, but I’ve always preferred natural to artificial turf. I’m told that the stadium will now be available for multi-purpose use, such as Tommy Shaw concerts (you’ll get that if you were a student in the spring of ’85) or perhaps a Bookstore semi-final.

We’ll miss you more than the grass

The biggest visual differences, besides the texture of the grass, going forward? 1) An interlocking ND at midfield, which I like, and 2) no Alex Flanagan, which I don’t like.

4. Rom-Com Rubes

Bringing Up Baby: Cat got your tongue?

So, Grantland.com decides to do a “Rom-Com Hall of Fame”, but since it’s Grantland, which is an arm of ESPN, an entity that firmly believes that the earth did not begin to spin until 1979, their list is limited to the past 25 years…because “When Harry Met Sally” invented the rom-com, or so they say.

Which is ridiculous and myopic.

The “modern rom-com” can’t hold a candle, much less a Roman candle, much less a “Roman Holiday”, to the greatest Rom-Coms of all time. And you need not be a fossil to appreciate or know this. Sanaa Lathan? Jennifer Lopez? Colin Firth?

Gents (and Ladies), may I suggest Cary Grant? Deborah Kerr? Katharine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy?

I’m not saying that the ONLY good Rom-Coms are the old ones. What I am saying is if you are even going to pretend to have an astute discussion on the genre, you start with the following: “It Happened One Night.” “The Thin Man.” “An Affair To Remember.” (watch that scene; notice how much is said that’s not in the dialogue) “Bringing Up Baby.” “Roman Holiday.” (Then go back and watch “An Affair To Remember” once more, because the first 10 minutes have simply the best banter in the history of Rom-Coms).

I don’t mind that the average Grantland reader doesn’t know this. I do mind that Grantland, which purports to edify the masses, chooses not to know this. Harrumph-ity do!

5. Tour de France Update

He’s obviously doping

I’m in a rush this a.m. so I’m just going to leave this spot blank and depend on MH’s most loyal reader to fill in below in the Comments section with today’s update on the Tour de France. 🙂

Reserves

Hipster Ennui

Summer is the season for pranks in New York City. You’ll recall that the Human Fly, George Willig, who scaled the World Trade Center, and Philippe Petit, who tight-roped across it, did so in the summer time. So over night Monday, some one(s) scaled the Brooklyn Bridge and replaced the American flags with white flags.

I did like the New York Post headline: “HIPSTERS SURRENDER.”

The police are still searching for the pranksters, while I phone my 23 year-old friend A.J. and innocently ask him what he was doing in the pre-dawn hours of Tuesday morning.

Where in the World?

Yesterday: Yunnan Mountains, China

Hint: Not Panama

STARTING FIVE

This year’s Badwater 135 did not go through Death Valley, but still covered 135 scorching miles in central California

1. Bad Ass

Yesterday at 8 a.m. was the start of the annual Badwater 135 Ultramarathon, one of the more insane races in or out of the continental U.S.A. Since the race’s inception in 1987, competitors have started at Badwater Basin in Death Valley National Park, the lowest spot in the continental U.S., and finished at the base of Mount Whitney, the highest spot in the continental U.S. This year, citing safety concerns (“Booo)!”, the National Park Service prohibited the race from being staged inside Death Valley National Park, so the new start is taking place at Lone Pine. It is still 135 miles in length, though, and the extremes will actually be more severe: Previously: 13,000 feet of ascent, 4,700 feet of descent. 1014: 17,000 feet of ascent, 12,700 feet of descent. The race began with 98 runners –invitation only. The winner, Harvey Lewis, a teacher at the Cincinnati School for Creative and Performing Arts, came in at 23 hours, 52 minutes and 55 seconds.

2. Miles Apart, Offensively

Petco, where hometown hitters routinely take the collar

Approximately 93 miles, and some of America’s most exclusive real estate (including Camp Pendleton, home to a massive U.S. Marine and SEAL Team base) separate Angels Stadium of Anaheim and Petco Park, the latter of which is home to the San Diego Padres. Mileage-wise, they’re pretty close. Runs-wise? The Angels have scored 491 runs, the most in baseball. The Padres have scored 189, the least. The Angels, as a team, are batting .268 (3rd-best) while the Padres are batting .215, the worst. The Angels have perhaps baseball’s best all-around player, All-Star Game MVP Mike Trout. The Padres just traded their RBI leader, 3rd baseman Chase Headley, to the New York Yankees.

3. From Hamas to James

Martin Fletcher, reporting from Gaza in Frank Costanza’s cabana-wear…

Let’s tie two seemingly –no, two actually–unrelated events involving sovereign areas with a border on the Mediterranean Sea. Here’s Jon Stewart last week knocking Israel for its “warnings” before it strikes the Palestinian homeland of the Gaza Strip (“an amuse boom, if you will”) and here he is last night with a clever little device.

…while colleague Ayman Mohyeldin reports from Gaza, having pilfered Tony Romo’s protective gear

Meanwhile, in Spain, Real Madrid has acquired James Rodriguez, the breakout star of the World Cup, who scored a tournament-high six goals in Brazil. Real Madrid now have forwards Rodriguez, Cristiano Ronaldo and Gareth Bale, while their El Clasico rivals FC Barcelona boast Lionel Messi, Neymar and serial biter Luis Suarez. I’d call it a draw.

James, Suarez, Neymar,and Messi, the best players from their respective South American nations, all now toil in Spain.

4. Bean Counters

The original Chipotle in Denver

Stock in Chipotle (CMG) is up nearly 12% today (from $590 to $660 per share) after the company posted better-than-expected earnings figures. Better-than-expected should be the company motto. Founder Steve Ells, a former line cook in San Francisco, opened the first Chipotle in Denver in 1993 using an $85,000 loan from his dad. Ells calculated that he’d need to sell 107 burritos per day to be profitable. After just one month of operation, he was selling more than 1,000 burritos per day. Chipotle went public on July 29, 2009, at $95 per share. Within 14 months the stock had doubled in price. As it approaches its five-year anniversary, it is now nearly seven times its original worth.

5. Iron Man is a Rich Man

Downey: It helps to have a sense of humor about one’s self

As Tony Stark, Robert Downey, Jr., played a billionaire philanthropist, genius inventor, incorrigible playboy and the fourth in line to succeed whoever is currently ruling what once was Winterfell. As an actor, Downey is playing the highest-earning star in Hollywood. Or so says Forbes.

Where in the World?

Friday: Pink Lake, Australia

Hint: Where are all the people?

STARTING FIVE

Axis of Evil? Putin was in the same box as Sepp Blatter (L) and LeBron James just eight days ago…

1. What Now?

You’re the President of the United States and you need to address the downing of Malaysia Airlines flight MH 17. Even though it was not shot down over U.S. airspace. Even though it was not a U.S.-based carrier. Even though, at most, only one of the 298 victims was a U.S. citizen and that person had dual Dutch citizenship.

But you must address it. If you don’t, your enemies –and we know who they are –will taunt you for being cowardly. They want ACTION. Great. Do they want to send their sons –much less themselves– into conflict? Are they willing to sacrifice the lives of people they love over a Russian-backed civil war in a nation most of them have never been to or will ever visit?

Here’s a New York Times editorial on what Russian president Vladimir Putin is thinking. He’s been thinking this way for at least two decades.

What would you do? (Spoiler Alert: You’re going to get hammered no matter what you say.)

Oh, and then there’s that whole Gaza versus Israel deal. That’s the back burner crisis? Wow.

2. Up…and Down

After launching this ball into the gallery, McIroy underwent Tommy Armour surgery.

Rory McIlroy joins an exclusive list –Jack Nicklaus and Tiger Woods –of men who have won three major championships before their 26th birthday… while Tiger has his worst finish (69th) of his professional career, shooting a 294. And then Tiger’s weekend went from bad to gorse (!) when the 64 year-old captain of the Ryder Cup team, Tom Watson, shot a final round 68– seven better than Tiger.

Woods is still ranked 9th in the world –McIlroy is second, behind Adam Scott–but it’s curious how both have handled relationships and it begs asking if there’s any correlation. McIlroy dumps his fiancee, Carolyn Wozniacki, in not chivalrous fashion, but his play improves. Tiger is still winless in a major since the whole blow-up with Elin, who has since gone on to be her college’s valedictorian.

Does Woods, 38, have another major title in him? He’s certainly young enough. That’s not the issue.

3. Jim Rockford is Definitely Not In–Leave a Message

Hartley and Garner: an incredible ad team

R.I.P. to James Garner, one of the better manly men actors of his generation and arguably the best actor whose surname is a verb. “The Rockford Files” was standard at my home as a child, but partly because my dad somewhat resembled him. Great theme song.  The entire sequence of still images fit the mood of the show to a T. Very of its age (Styx meets Boz Scaggs.)

Also, in the Seventies, half the country thought Garner was married to the fetching Mariette Hartley, so convincing were the pair’s Polaroid ads. A Polaroid was a camera that also functioned as a camera. It was a long time ago.

Garner was known to an earlier generation as Bret Maverick before he became  Jim Rockford (same creator, or what we’d now call “showrunner,” for both: Roy Huggins). Also loved him in “The Great Escape”, but he also did comedy. It was almost as if Hollywood didn’t know whether to make him the next Rock Hudson or Robert Mitchum. Alan Sepinwall’s tribute… which describes Garner’s work as “relaxed genius,” which is perfect.

4. Bill Hader: Bibliophile

Hader is an anagram of “Read H.” Don’t know what the “H” I’m talking about.

Nice piece in the New York Times weekend edition in which SNL alum Bill Hader delves deeply into his love of books. Not bad for a guy who never attended college. I was hoping he’d go Stefon here (“New York’s hottest bookstore is….”), but it’s fun to read about a guy celebrity who’s so engaged in literature.

5. “To-ga! To-ga!”

Togashi takes it to the hole fearlessly.

Washington Wizards rookie Glen Rice, Jr., (25 ppg) was deservedly named MVP of the recently concluded NBA Summer League in Las Vegas, but maybe nobody (Jim) garner-ed more attention than five-foot-seven Yuki Togashi of the Dallas Mavericks. The spudly Japanese point guard, who is only 20 years old, scored 16 points in 30 total minutes of play.

Will he play for an NBA team this season? We’ll see.