STARTING FIVE

As Jason Gay of the WSJ tweeted yesterday, “Neymar: 4 goals, 3 haircuts.”

1. Americas’ Cup

Brazil, Mexico and Chile are three of the first four teams to have advanced to the knockout stage after having played all three games.

Argentina, Colombia and Costa Rica are already in.

The USA should be in, but they’re not, but they still may be.

Uruguay and Ecuador are not in, but they may still advance.

A total of nine of the 10 American countries at the World Cup could advance to the knockout round.

Only Honduras is out. But at least it remains the murder capital of the world. You cannot take that away from it. Personally, I feel that more people would cheer for Honduras if they could only pronounce or spell the name of its capital: Tegucigalpa.

2. Why Not Dante?

That’s Dante’s pop, Cecil, just to the left of MJ

You already know I’d take Andrew Wiggins of Canada if I had the first overall pick.

I’d not take Joel Embiid, as much as I love his game, because of the Greg Oden/Yao Ming/Bill Walton. Big men with bad feet are a caution. Big men withe bad backs are a caution. Big men with both? Caution: Rip Tide.

I’d not take Jabari Parker, at all, because I see a little CarMElo Anthony in him. When you’re just done with your freshman year of college and, in the most pivotal time of your life, you arrive at a team workout overweight, as was reported with Cleveland, I’m out. Plus, Cleveland already selected an out of shape teenager with the No. 1 pick overall last year. How many do they need?

Athletic 6-6 guard who grew up abroad, eschewed college, son of a journeyman pro player. Remind you of anybody?

So my second pick, if not Cleveland’s first, might just be six-foot-six Australian guard Dante Exum. Read this story on him by Jeff Goodman. Or this one by Gary Washburn. I did not know that his pops, Cecil Exum, played on THAT North Carolina team.

3. Roger and Rafa

Rafael Nadal has won eight Grand Slam titles while Roger Federer has only won one since late 2009. Rafa is obviously closing the gap on the Swiss Mister. Nadal has 14 Grans Slam titles, Federer 17, which is the most all-time among the men (Pete Sampras also had 14). Federer turns 33 later this summer, while Nadal just turned 28. The good news for Federer is that he has won seven of the last 11 at the All England, while Nadal has only won there twice.

Enjoy. And if there’s one sporting venue you should visit before you kick it, make it Wimbledon. It’s grand. Me, I’ll be over here in the corner enjoying a Pimm’s Cup.

4. Where In The World?

Today, a new feature on “Medium Happy”, thunk up by our crack staff of writers and producers, in which we post a photo of a place and ask you to identify where it is located on planet Earth.

Answer at the bottom of today’s entry.

Clue: A national park whose name translates to “place of spirits.”

5. It Begins, In Earnest

You must be Josh-ing: Only slightly better than Josh Lyman.

So Jay Carney “quit” as White House press secretary and is replaced by future All-Inaptly Named Teamer Josh Earnest, whose first White House briefing did not go so well. That said, it wasn’t the worst first White House briefing ever by a guy named Josh.

You’d think that folks in the West Wing would have just realized who’s perfect for the job and hired that person long ago.

Remote Patrol

Uruguay vs Italy

ESPN Noon

Luis O.K.

Are you KIDDING me? Luis Suarez and Mario Balotelli on the same pitch? Loser goes home? I”m ALL in (and I’ll take Uruguay).

Answer for No. 4: Torngat Mountains National Park, Labrador, Canada.

STARTING FIVE

What more needs to be said?

1. Alright, Varmint: Draw!

I’ll allow the “Men in Blazers” to recap the match here, as ESPN’s Brit-wits do a far more entertaining job than I am capable of. I’ll simply note that perhaps Edvard Munch was a football fan who foresaw the future.

2. Why Wasn’t This the Ad?

I like that the QB is wearing non-contact red. You have to love that attention to detail.

So, Adriana Lima may have a Peruvian capitol as her surname, but she’s Brazilian. And so it was a no-brainer for KIA to cast her in an ad that will run during the World Cup.* And here is that ad.
What I don’t understand is how they did not find a way to use this footage in that ad.

*It is a no-brainer for Adriana Lima to appear in anything.

3. John Oliver Twist and Shout Shout Let It All Out

Not available in any universe

The “Last Week Tonight” host meets Stephen Hawking and asks him if, there are an infinite number of parallel universes, there might be one in which he would be able to date Charlize Theron. “No,” the good doctor replies. “In any of those universes would it be because I turned her down?”

“You realize how much effort it takes to type, don’t you?” Hawking answers.

Oliver’s go-to weapon is self-deprecating humor, and here Hawking plays along beautifully.

4. Messi Win

God it’s so painful when something that’s so close is still so far out of reach…

If you took Argentina to defeat Iran on Saturday, you were giving worse than -800 odds. La Albiceleste were a sure thing heading into the match.

Until they weren’t.

The Argentines appeared sluggish while the Irans (that’s what I call them, the Irans) were content to saturate the box defensively and let Argentina play keep away. And so it went for more than 90 minutes.

Then, in the 92nd minute, Lionel Messi demonstrated again why he is the world’s greatest footballer. I’ve never seen a soccer goal that more closely approximated Michael Jordan beating Craig Ehlo. Simply tremendous.

I’d feel badly for the Irans, but their government bans its women from watching the games on TV back home.

5. The Basin Was Bangin’

This was the scene late in the first half of the USA-Portugal match at the Boat Basin Sunday evening. Scenes like this were taking place at pubs and parks all across America, and none of those group watches accounted for the robust 9.6 Nielsen rating (18 million viewers).

Just by ratings alone, and not by all the anecdotal evidence of at least a million or so more viewers, this was the highest-rated World Cup match ever for ESPN.

I have a sneaky suspicion it’s more than just Yankee jingoism. I’ve been watching soccer in NYC bars for nearly 20 years now. The level of interest is exponentially greater and the big difference is the proportion of first-generation immigrants watching as opposed to well-heeled Yanks who look like the types of folks you’d see at a college football game is decreasing.

I’m not trying to convert if you don’t want to be converted. But, as a football fan, it’s refreshing to see so many people coming to appreciate the world’s greatest sports tournament.

Yours truly, Jacob Anstey, back for another IAH! Weekend Edition update. Enjoy. 

STARTING FIVE 

Not three or four — “only” two.

1. Potential Breakup Looms

In this day and age of social media and interconnectivity, we follow athletes with aggression. Their decisions may befuddle us (out of fandom or rationality) or enthrall us. Case and point: The Decision.

We are coming up on Lebron’s four-year anniversary of the infamous decision and the trio formation of James, Bosh and Wade. Some expected a dynasty and others wanted misery to fall upon the team in South Beach. What we got was four straight title appearances and two NBA championship rings. And a lot of media conjecture in-between.

With one year remaining on all three players’ respective contracts, each player has the option to opt-out of his final year and enter free agency. The real question is, will anyone do so?

Lebron’s decision this offseason has the potential to inflict a domino effect on the league. If he stays, all remains relatively calm: Bosh and Wade return, take a pay cut, and the Heat sign two middle-of-the-pack NBA players and one NBA veteran (I’m throwing curves blindfolded; the Heat could, if Wade and Bosh take a big enough pay cut, sign a solid NBA player.) Or, if Lebron decides to opt-out and leave, all bets are off. He could return to Cleveland, but this happened. Or he could team up with a healthy Rose in Chicago. One or the other, he’s not leaving the East.

Reminder: The Suns, who finished 9th in the Western Conference standings, could make an argument that they would have been the second best team in the Eastern Conference. Think about that…

The Decision 2.0 will not occur. A big NBA free agency period may, however.

2. The End of an Era

One customer too many.

The Staples of technology retailers, RadioShack closed Friday on the NYSE at an all-time low, 92 cents. Or, roughly a 98.84% decrease in stock price since reaching its all-time high in December of 1999, $79.50.

I’m frightened to read their financial statements, but they are treading water — fast. As a kid, RadioShack was the cool place to be. Now, kids under the age of eleven may not even know what RadioShack is. Before RadioShack disappears forever, let’s give “The Shack” its deserved farewell.

It was fun while it lasted.

3. Dr. Dumb

“Come on down…you’ve won a new CAR!”

Granted, this is old news. But, with that said, something about the insensitivity of these television doctor shows irk me.

I’m all for people wanting help to lose weight and make their life more eventful. These doctors – even with their P.h.Ds – still insist on quick cure-all supplements. When it comes to being healthy and fit, there’s only one real solution: exercise.

Dr. Mehmet Oz could simply suggest exercise for the short-term and long-term, instead of creating the illusion that a drink can solve all your problems. I’m no doctor, nor am I pursuing a medical degree. But, I am very well-versed in this subject, and the idea of someone suggesting a cure-all is stupid. That’s for infomercials, not televised shows.

4. Risk Tolerance

Joel Embiid has the potential to be the next Hakeem Olajuwon.

On Thursday, it was announced that the venerable 7-foot center Joel Embiid was to have surgery on his foot, after doctors detected a stress fracture in his navicular bone. After having surgery on Friday, his timetable to return is between 4-6 months.

Jeff Goodman, who covers basketball for ESPN Insider, has written that Embiid has the potential to be Hakeem Olajuwon at his best and Bismack Biyombo at his worst. A variation that cannot become any more polar.

As a friendly reminder, Embiid missed the Big 12 tournament and NCAA tournament because of a back problem. He is, after all, a 7-foot center.

It is undeniable that Embiid will now drop in the draft. To me, it now comes down to a GM’s risk tolerance to draft the Kansas star. History shows that big men that have suffered either a stress fracture or have experienced a navicular foot injury miss time (see below, courtesy of ESPN). The risk of being injury prone is no joke; he has suffered two major injuries in less than a year. I’d be wary of drafting him in the top 10. The NBA is a league of hit and miss players and Embiid could potentially be the latter of the two.

5.  The Greatness of Futbol

Thomas Muller and Germany look to eliminate Ghana in the group stage.

There’s a ton of good World Cup matches this weekend, and it all begins at 12 pm on ESPN with Argentina versus Iran. The match that follows, however, is a Group G dual that has ramifications for the U.S. team. With a German win today  and a  United States win tomorrow, the U.S. would advance to the Round of 16. Noted, it is much easier said than done.

The Germans humiliated Portugal in their previous match, 4-0. In the 2010 World Cup, the Germans had to fight for  group stage win versus Ghana, coming away with a 1-0 victory. United States fans should root for Germany. I, on the other hand, think Ghana can pull off the upset to stay alive.

The Germans are tough, the Black Stars desperate. Upsets have been the norm in this World Cup.

Watch out.

With it being the summer, I won’t bore you with a redundant Remote Patrol posting. When I think of an adequate substitute, this spot will be filled. Any and all suggestions are welcome. 

Enjoy your Saturday! 

STARTING FIVE

Rooney did finally score a World Cup goal after more than 700 minutes of action, then reenacted the Battle of Britain.

1. Bloody ‘ell, England!

Tuesday, Spain. Wednesday, England. The last time European countries fell this quickly in succession, the Third Reich was in power. If there’s any justice in the world, Wayne Rooney will miss his flight back to the U.K, but just barely.

England, which has the premier professional football league in the world–in fact, that’s what they call it, the Premier League –has not advanced to the World Cup semifinals since 1990. World Cup 2014: A few minutes with Wayne Rooney (and, yes, I know, it’s not his fault).

2. Know How I Know Uruguay?

Capital of Uruguay, quick! Montevideo.

I’m not sure that Luis Suarez is the World Cup’s most polarizing figure, but Sports Illustrated did put him on one of its preview covers and the headline of the story within was something like, “Victory or Villainy.”

Suarez, who sat out Uruguay’s opening match with and upset loss to Costa Rica (!?!) while recovering from keyhole surgery (did you even know we had keyholes?), demonstrated emphatically yesterday why many consider him to be the world’s top footballer of the past year. He scored two magical goals in the 2-1 defeat of England, the first set up by a brilliant assist.

Suarez, demonstrating “The Larry” from Three’s Company

Suarez, 27, scored 30 goals for Liverpool this past season, an average of 0.94 per game, the highest average the Premier League has seen since 1960-61. And not one of the goals were penalty kicks. And while he says a lot of stuff that people hate and is a renowned arm-biter, he may just be the most dangerous player in the tournament. Stay tuned.

3. It’s Raining Mensch

This is Kate Bock. Like Stewart, she has also worked for SI.

Our friend Stewart Mandel, the most (the lone?) measured writer of all things college football, announces that he is leaving Sports Illustrated after 15 years for Fox Sports, joining good friend and fellow good guy Bruce Feldman (“Feldman!”).

Geographically, this makes sense, as Stew-pendous migrated from Brooklyn to Silicon Valley (from hipster to Hooli!) a few years bacck, and Fox’s college football coverage has more of a Pac-12 slant Feldman is based in Manhattan Beach, which means that one or both of them is going to log a lot of miles covering the sport this season (“S-E-C! S-E-C!”).

Stew’s writing is known for being knowledgeable and utterly divorced from bias. Which doesn’t stop readers from accusing him of hating their team. Because, hey, it’s college football.

As for what this means for SI, whose website had no college football editor per se last season but who has since hired an extremely able one, I don’t know. But Andy Staples has a lot more leverage; time to demand an “SI NOW: BBQ” show.

4. Blackskins

In 1979, there were nearly 1,200 Sambo’s. Now just one exists. Even though its founders never meant to give offense.

Was driving along the Garden State Parkway last night, and listened to a radio call-in show from Boston discussing the Redskins controversy. Per usual, the panel did not include a Native American.

Listen, I don’t know if the term should be considered racist or derogatory. What I do know is that I’m not in the position to be making that call. One guest on the show was former Redskins player Pete Cronin, who claimed that the entire issue “boggled his mind” and that in this world today we have far more important issues to deal with. Then he noted that he had to wake up early today for a golf tournament, because that’s presumably one of those far more important issues.

Dig: I taught Native Americans for a year and yes, it’s true, anecdotally, “Redskins” were their favorite team. But not because of the name; rather, because they saw a face on the helmets that resembled them and they identified with it. My litmus test of whether a name is offensive: refer to such a person by that in their presence. If they’re offended, that’s a pretty good clue.

What amused me most: The host, Morgan Something-or-other, was intelligent and rational. But he seemed genuinely on the fence on the issue. However, midway through the program he referred to one of his guests (name escapes me) as “the Face” of a particular Boston TV sports department, and then spent the rest of the show apologizing because he’d felt that he might’ve slighted that affiliate’s other sports personalities.

That was funny. When it’s someone seated next to you, you worry about giving offense. When it’s an entire race of people whom you may not know a single one of, it’s an issue for debate. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that calling someone the face of a sports department (which is actually a compliment to the person at whom it was aimed) is far less offensive than referring to an entire ethnic group of people by the color of their skin.

Also, the term “offensive” is no more absolute than “north” or “west.” It’s always relative to the person taking or not taking offense.

But that’s just me. What do I know? I’m not smart enough to host my own radio show.

5. Breaking News: I’m Old*

Not on the list? Perry Como. (angry, surprised voice: “HEY!”)

Rob Sheffield of Rolling Stone lists his Top 25 Songs of 2014 So Far, none of which I recognize. Here’s 5 Seconds of Summer with “She Looks So Perfect.” (I agree with the top commenter, Ali Bassam, below on the YouTube video,

*“Old” may be a synonym for “not cool.”

Remote Patrol

Italy vs Costa Rica

ESPN Noon

Mario, super.

The Azzurri meet Los Ticos, both of whom won their opening Group D matches, in Recife (“Recife for disaster, that is”). If Costa Rica wins, and that would be an upset, Italy versus Uruguay would be an elimination game. If Italy wins, it advances and Los Ticos would probably need to defeat the Wayne Rooneys. Either way, you have two stylish teams here and Mario Balotelli plays for one of them.

STARTING FIVE

From tapas to bottomas (I’m already sorry)

1. Adios, Espana!

Spain, the last nation standing at World Cup 2010, is the first side eliminated in World Cup 2014. So it goes. La Furia Roja were the victims of a Chile cook-off yesterday, 2-0. While Spain will still play Australia in a Battle of Two of The Better Countries You’ll Ever Visit, it’s over.

Through two matches the Spaniards have scored just once, and that via a dubious penalty kick.

Italy, which won World Cup 2006, also was eliminated in the group stage in their follow-up appearance.

2. Clayton Place

The technicolor shower is perhaps the only thing that could have cooled off Kershaw.

Los Angeles Dodger ace Clayton Kershaw struck out a career-high 15 batters last night.

And he allowed career lows in hits (0) and bases on balls( 0) against the Colorado Rockies, the most potent offensive ball club in the National League.

So that’s a good night.

It was Kershaw’s first career no-hitter, but the 2nd of the season for L.A. (Josh Beckett), which leads all franchises with 21 no-hitters in the game’s history. Zack Greinke, L.A.’s highest-salaried pitcher, you’re next. Also, it was the first time in Major League history that a pitcher struck out 15 while walking none and allowing zero hits because, you know, Rule 28.

Yes, Hanny Ramirez (“that’s Hanley!”) committed an error in the 7th inning that cost Kershaw a perfect game. On the other hand, the next Rockies batter hit a ball down the third base line that compelled Dodger 3rd baseman Miguel Rojas to make an incredible play (nice catch at first, too, by Adrian Gonzalez) to preserve the historic night.

Finally, while Kershaw did sign the richest deal for a pitcher in Major League history back in January –seven years, $215 million– technically he is only earning $6.57 million this season (plus an $18 million signing bonus).

3. Pitch Perfect *  **

Corbin Berntsen of Patrick Stewart? You make the call.

Outstanding match in Porto Alegre between the Oranje and the Socceroos, the latter of whom entered the World Cup with the lowest FIFA ranking (62nd)  of any nation.

After a choppy 20 minutes under azure skies, Arjen “Brave, Brave Sir” Robben basically went all virtuoso drum solo on a half-field fast break to put the Dutch up 1-0. But the ‘roos scored an equalizer just 70 seconds later on an astounding goal by national legend Tim Cahill, 34.

Then, early in the second half, the ‘roos went up 2-1. They did, after all, have home hemisphere advantage. The Dutch tied it this time on a goal by “Just For Men” All-Star Robin Van Persie. A few minutes later, the Aussies blew an easy chance to retake the lead and on the ensuing Dutch counterattack, 21 year-old prodigy Memphis DePay, who’d subbed in just before halftime, drilled the game-winner.

Holland is now 2-0 and along with Chile advances out of its group stage with one match remaining…against one another, in fact.

*The judges would also have accepted “Finding Netherlands”

**Did you really think I wouldn’t be pulling out this headline?

4. Patently Offensive?

Not offensive? Potato skins!

So the U.S. Patent & Trademark Office weighed in on the “Redskins” issue, canceling its trademark on the term because it is “disparaging to Native Americans.”

What does this mean? It means that we have to stomach a lot of Darren Rovell, albeit on the phone, on SportsCenter for a few days. And you have to wonder if expunging a racist nickname is worth all that.

The Patent Office is now seeking to eliminate LeBron James’ patented move, the crab-dribble.

5. Here We Go Again (Again)

Hoping we don’t go back to war in Iraq…but if we do, hoping that better movies come out of it. Should I be buying Halliburton stock?

Iraq, really?

This is shaping up to be the worst trilogy since The NeverEnding Story, The NeverEnding Story II: The Next Chapter, and The NeverEnding Story III: Escape from Fantasia. In fact, you don’t even need to change the titles except for subbing in “Fallujah” for “Fantasia.”

And there was Dick Cheney all over the place last night promoting the movie.

When Megyn Kelly of FOX News of all people is telling Cheney “you got it wrong on Iraq”, when Glenn Beck is finally admitting on air “you can’t force democracy on people,” well, we’ve gone down the rabbit hole and deep.

I’ve got a weapon of mass destruction for you: Paranoia.

And there was Anderson Cooper reporting live from Baghdad last night. You have to respect a NYC-based television personality who’ll forsake a summer weekend in the Hamptons dive into a world-class pit of chaos like that.

Reserves

Kevin Spacey talks Johnny Carson (I don’t know how old this is). There’s a classic vignette he shares at about the 3:30 mark. Like I’ve said, Spacey himself would make an excellent late night host.

****

Sanchez: Tiara del en Fuego! Amirite?

Miss USA, Nia Sanchez, appears on Letterman to do the Top 10 list. Wisely avoids mentioning whether or not she’s on Tinder.

Remote Patrol

Uruguay vs. England

ESPN 3 p.m.

That was Thenns, this is Ow.

Both sides are coming off a loss, so this is a veritable elimination match. An English defeat would take the piss out of ESPN’s cheeky “Men in Blazers” duo, while a loss for Uruguay would mean you’d have to listen to all your Uruguayan friends bitch and moan for a week. I know. You, too? Luis Suarez plays for Uruguay and also for Liverpool, and he’s kind of like a combo of Mike Tyson and Donald Sterling of soccer. Not a popular bloke.