STARTING FIVE

The King

1. Dave

Rupert Gee…”Just Lamps”….Larry “Bud” Melman…Andy Kaufman…”They pelted us with rocks and garbage”… “Top Ten Anatomical Parts or Van Pattens”… “They’re not booing, they’re just saying ‘Dave'”…. Crispin Glover…Viewer Mail…Will It Float?…Dave’s Mom

Mid-Eighties. Leave the Hesburgh Library at 11:10 p.m., which gives me enough time to make it back to Dillon Hall, find some snackage, and be in my room in time for the start of Letterman. Simply the most influential entertainer of my life. Glad we’ll get a year or more to salute him.

You have to remember, before Dave there were hints of subversiveness in television — SNL, SCTV, Fernwood 2Night –but the quirky Hoosier took it to another degree. Instead of phony schmaltz or circle-jerk interviews, Dave took us behind the curtain and showed us that entertainment was not glamorous –no camera ever ventured behind the curtain at Johnny Carson’s show. He was skeptical of people who were full of themselves (once asking Rush Limbaugh, “Do you ever feel like you’re just full of hot gas?”) but always amused by candor and self-effacing humor. Watch the way he laughed just a few nights ago when Amy Schumer says, “Black people” in response to his question about what would be new about her show this season.

It’s why Howard Stern, dating all the way back to the mid-Eighties, has always been one of Dave’s most confounding guests: He loves Howard’s raw honesty and self-effacement at times, but Howard’s naked narcissism and his penchant for speaking rudely about others, or crassly, always sort of offended Dave’s Midwest values.

2. Thunder End Spurs 19-Game Win Streak

While Kevin Durant ups his streak of 25-point games to 39. The last person to reach 40 games? Michael Jordan in 1986-87. But the team everyone best look out for is the Clippers. L.A. has looked scary good and that has been minus Jamal Crawford, J.J. Redick and Danny Granger. If all three of them are healthy come late April, I’m pegging the Clips as the team to beat.

3. Tyler Summitt, 23, Named Women’s Basketball Coach at La. Tech

Slightly more experienced than King Joffrey.

This is no way to win friends among peers in your profession, but it’s an excellent way to chase down Geno for usurping mom atop the all-time wins and championships list. Perhaps Summitt will turn out to be a terrific coach. What I do know is that Kim Mulkey starred for four years at La. Tech, was an assistant there for 15 years, and then when they finally offered her the gig they only made it a four-year gig so that she wasn’t guaranteed to reach 20 and therefore entitled to a state pension.

So Kim told La. Tech to go bleep themselves…and how has that worked out for Kim, and for La. Tech?

4. Minnesota Wins NIT

Speaking of nepotism, Rick Pitino’s son coaches the Golden Gophers to an NIT championship in his first season as coach, which is laudable. He’s a little bit older than 23, though.

Does a tournament really take place if Nate Silver doesn’t provide projections on who will win?

4. Paulina Gretzky Makes May Cover of Golf Digest

“Schwinnnnng!”

The Hall

Charter Inductees: Ty Cobb, Walter Johnson, Christy Mathewson, Babe Ruth, Honus Wagner 1937:  Tris Speaker, CF; Cy Young, P ; 1938: Grover Cleveland Alexander, P; Eddie Collins, 2B 1939:Nap Lajoie, 2B; Joe Jackson, LF; 1940: Billy Hamilton, OF; Cap Anson, 1B; 1941: Wee Willie Keeler, RF; George Sisler, 1B; 1942: Rogers Hornsby, 2B; Pie Traynor, 3B; 1943: Mickey Cochrane, C; Frankie Frisch, 2B 1944: Ed Walsh, P; Old Hoss Radbourn, P 1945: Lou Gehrig, 1B; Kid Nichols, P 1946: Ed Delahanty, LF; Lefty O’Doul 1947: Pud Galvin, P; John McGraw, INF 1948: Carl Hubbell, P; Addie Joss, P 1949: Harry Heilman, OF/1B; Monte Ward, P/SS 1950: Cool Papa Bell, CF; Jimmie Foxx, 1B 1951: Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown, P; Josh Gibson, C 1952: Paul Waner, RF; Charlie Gehringer, 2B 1953: Mel Ott, RF; Hank Greenberg, 1B 1954: Eddie Plank, P; Dan Brouthers, 1B 1955: “Wahoo” Sam Crawford, OF; John Clarkson, P 1956: Chief Bender, P; Bill Dickey, C 1957: Sam Rice, RF; Joe DiMaggio, CF 1958: Bill Terry, 1B; Heinie Manush, LF 1959: Dizzy Dean, P; Tim Keefe, P 

Ducky Medwick

Earl Averill, CF; 1929-1941, Cleveland Indians

Billy Williams, LF; 1959-1976, Chicago Cubs

The 1961 NL Rookie of the Year was a six-time All-Star and teammate of fellow Hall of Famers Ernie Banks, Ron Santo and Ferguson Jenkins, none of whom ever appeared in a World Series. The 1972 NL batting champ (.333), Williams retired with a .290 average and 2,711 hits.

Remote Patrol

Silicon Valley

Sunday, HBO 10 p.m.

I already know that you’ll be tuning in to “Game of Thrones (9 p.m.), but stick around for the series premiere that every reviewer is enchanted with. It’s Entourage-meets-The Big Bang Theory, that’s easy enough, but it’s written by Mike Judge, the genius behind Office Space, Idiocracy and Beavis and Butthead. And I don’t know who the first to use the term was, but I love James Poniewozik’s Time review for no other reason that it introduced me to “brogrammers.”

STARTING FIVE

Gringo Star? Either a soccer game or an illegal immigration rally broke out in the Phoenix area last night.

1. Yellow Cards, Red Cards, Green Cards

2. Panic in the Boroughs

New York’s lone run last night came when a runner scored from 3rd base on a fielder’s choice double play, 4-6-3.

3. Knicks 110, Brooklynettes 81

Rookie Tim Hardaway, Jr., had 17. If he continues this play and the Knicks can keep J.R. Smith away from all-day brunches at Lavo, this could get interesting.

4. Jadeveon Clowney Pro Day 

Texas is a state that appreciates big things, which is why Houston will select Clowney No. 1 overall ahead of any QB prospect.

5. “Crips Release DeSean Jackson”

The Redskins wear Bloods colors, after all.

Reserves

And then there were three (plus Amy Robach…and Ginger Zee…and Michael Strahan)

Vapid Fire

Oh, on “Good Morning, America”, the cast did a “We’ll Miss You, Josh” salute to their compatriot of nearly three years. It got a little dusty in my apartment, but I think that’s because I have a cat and I don’t clean often enough.

Meanwhile, Josh joined NBC Sports on the condition that he not tweet about the Spurs (San Antonio; he can tweet all he likes about Tottenham) or about his need to drink white wine or about how he prefers to refer to himself as “Momma.”

****

ESPN’s Jason Whitlock referred to the NCAA as “SlaveCatchers” yesterday. In the absence of actually reporting anything, it’s always convenient to play the race card.

The Hall

Charter Inductees: Ty Cobb, Walter Johnson, Christy Mathewson, Babe Ruth, Honus Wagner

1937:  Tris Speaker, CF; Cy Young, P ; 1938: Grover Cleveland Alexander, P; Eddie Collins, 2B 1939:Nap Lajoie, 2B; Joe Jackson, LF; 1940: Billy Hamilton, OF; Cap Anson, 1B; 1941: Wee Willie Keeler, RF; George Sisler, 1B; 1942: Rogers Hornsby, 2B; Pie Traynor, 3B; 1943: Mickey Cochrane, C; Frankie Frisch, 2B 1944: Ed Walsh, P; Old Hoss Radbourn, P 1945: Lou Gehrig, 1B; Kid Nichols, P 1946: Ed Delahanty, LF; Lefty O’Doul 1947: Pud Galvin, P; John McGraw, INF 1948: Carl Hubbell, P; Addie Joss, P 1949: Harry Heilman, OF/1B; Monte Ward, P/SS 1950: Cool Papa Bell, CF; Jimmie Foxx, 1B 1951: Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown, P; Josh Gibson, C 1952: Paul Waner, RF; Charlie Gehringer, 2B 1953: Mel Ott, RF; Hank Greenberg, 1B 1954: Eddie Plank, P; Dan Brouthers, 1B 1955: “Wahoo” Sam Crawford, OF; John Clarkson, P 1956: Chief Bender, P; Bill Dickey, C 1957: Sam Rice, RF; Joe DiMaggio, CF 1958: Bill Terry, 1B; Heinie Manush, LF 1959: Dizzy Dean, P; Tim Keefe, P 

Nap Lajoie

Willie Stargell, OF/1B; 1962-1982, Pittsburgh Pirates

Jim “Catfish” Hunter, P; 1965-1979, A’s, Yankees

Remote Patrol

STARTING FIVE

Seriously, though, these two for next year’s “True Detective.”

1. Pardon The Interruptions

An actual televised debate not produced by Jamie Horowitz?!? Apparently, it is possible. Watch Brad Katsuyama of IEX and Bill O’Brien of BATS square off on the subject of High Frequency Trading, which sounds arcane and over our heads because, well, it kinda is. It’s very Peter Griffin.

O’Brien provides a textbook example of how NOT to argue, on- or off-camera. Tony Reali docked him five points for badgering Brad. And I think it might be time for Bill to switch to decaf.

2. Tiger, Tiger, Burning Back

Tiger Woods will not play the Masters due to back surgery.

Yesterday I tweeted, “Tiger, no Masters; Lindsay, no Olympics. Elin is a voodoo master.” That elementary tweet received more RTs than anything I’ve ever tweeted, even though I don’t particularly think it’s brilliant, which is to say that for one brief moment I understood what it feels like to be Dane Cook.

3. “Bruuuuuuuuuuce!”

Last night, as pitcher Scott Feldman was plunking The Captain –in his first at-bat of his last season– news was breaking that college football savant Bruce Feldman was jumping from CBS Sports to Fox Sports. Good move for the Foxies, as Bruce is great people and has credibility within the ranks. And the respect of coaches and players.

Besides, Bruce can drive from his home to the Fox Studios on Sepulveda (I think). Now, where will CBS Sports find a college football pundit who lives in New York City????? Hmmmmmm.

4. Ching Chong Ding Dong So Long

Nation…the funniest man after 11 p.m., Stephen Colbert, in his first TV appearance since the #CancelColbert hysteria became a thing, is typically brilliant and incisive. I love how he notes that there was far more of an uproar over his satirical charity, the “Ching Chong Ding Dong Foundation for Orientals or Whatever”  than there has been over the “Washington Redskins Original Americans Foundation.”

5. They’re Right

Somewhere in the background Russell Crowe is building a ship.

Someone edited the final three or so minutes of “How I Melt Your Mother” and it’s TM, totally masterful. I hope someone shows this to Carter Bays and Craig Thomas and they use it for all forthcoming DVDs and syndication episodes.

And do not browbeat me for caring so much about a sitcom.

And, yes, for its first four or so seasons HIMYM was awesome, kinda like “Scrubs” in its early years. I won’t apologize.

The Hall

Charter Inductees: Ty Cobb, Walter Johnson, Christy Mathewson, Babe Ruth, Honus Wagner

1937:  Tris Speaker, CF; Cy Young, P ; 1938: Grover Cleveland Alexander, P; Eddie Collins, 2B 1939:Nap Lajoie, 2B; Joe Jackson, LF; 1940: Billy Hamilton, OF; Cap Anson, 1B; 1941: Wee Willie Keeler, RF; George Sisler, 1B; 1942: Rogers Hornsby, 2B; Pie Traynor, 3B; 1943: Mickey Cochrane, C; Frankie Frisch, 2B 1944: Ed Walsh, P; Old Hoss Radbourn, P 1945: Lou Gehrig, 1B; Kid Nichols, P 1946: Ed Delahanty, LF; Lefty O’Doul 1947: Pud Galvin, P; John McGraw, INF 1948: Carl Hubbell, P; Addie Joss, P 1949: Harry Heilman, OF/1B; Monte Ward, P/SS 1950: Cool Papa Bell, CF; Jimmie Foxx, 1B 1951: Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown, P; Josh Gibson, C 1952: Paul Waner, RF; Charlie Gehringer, 2B 1953: Mel Ott, RF; Hank Greenberg, 1B 1954: Eddie Plank, P; Dan Brouthers, 1B 1955: “Wahoo” Sam Crawford, OF; John Clarkson, P 1956: Chief Bender, P; Bill Dickey, C 1957: Sam Rice, RF; Joe DiMaggio, CF 1958: Bill Terry, 1B; Heinie Manush, LF 1959: Dizzy Dean, P; Tim Keefe, P 

1960: Gabby Hartnett, C; Mickey Welch, P 1961: Bob Feller, P; Ducky Medwick, LF 1962: Luke Appling, SS; Jesse Burkett, LF 1963 Jackie Robinson, 2B; Zack Wheat, LF 1964: Jake Beckley, 1B; Rube Waddell, P 1965: Ralph Kiner, 1B; Lefty Grove, P 1966: Ted Williams, LF; Smoky Joe Wood, P/OF 1967: Roy Campanella, C; Max Carey, OF 1968: Goose Goslin, LF; Rabbit Maranville, SS 1969: Stan Musial, 1B/OF 1970: Ferris Fain, 1B; Earle Combs, CF 1971: Warren Spahn, P; Yogi Berra, C 1972 Satchel Paige, P; Sandy Koufax, P 1973: Robin Roberts, P; Whitey Ford, P 1974: Mickey Mantle, CF; Eddie Mathews, 3B 1975: Lefty Gomez, P; Hack Wilson, CF 1976: Jack Pfiester, P; Johnny Mize, 1B 1977: Ernie Banks, SS; Mickey Welch, P 1978: Roberto Clemente, RF; Chuck Klein, RF 1979: Willie Mays, CF; Luis Aparicio,  SS 1980: Al Kaline, RF; Enos Slaughter, RF 1981: Bob Gibson, P; Harmon Killebrew, 1B 1982: Hank Aaron, RF; Frank Robinson, OF 1983: Brooks Robinson, 3B, Juan Marichal, P 1984: Hoyt Wilhelm, P; Arky Vaughan, SS 1985: Lou Brock, LF; Pete Browning, OF 1986: Sidd Finch, P

1987

Willie McCovey, 1B; 1959-1980, San Francisco Giants

The National League MVP in 1969 when he led baseball in home runs (45), RBI (126) and OBP (.453), this six-time All-Star retired with 521 home runs. The inspiration for McCovey Cove was described by contemporary Bob Gibson as “the scariest hitter in baseball” (Gibson knew from scary) and led the league in homers three different seasons.

Roger Maris, RF; 1957-1968, Yankees, 3 others

Maris is not yet in the Hall of Fame, but how many other two-time American League MVPs can say that? Most famous for belting a single-season record 61 home runs in 1961 (which, depending on how you feel about PEDs, may or may not still be the rightful record), the Fargo, N.D., native was an All-Star between 1959-1962 and played on three World Series champions. As for the literal meaning of “Fame”, he earned it.

Remote Patrol

McDonald’s High School All-American Basketball Game

ESPN 9 p.m.

You can’t have this, Taco Bell! Also known as the University of Kentucky/Duke University spring hoops extravaganza, this exhibition will feature 2015 NBA Draft top picks Jahlil Okafor (Durham-bound) and Tyler Ulis (Lexington-bound).

STARTING FIVE

Ted’s kids, mirroring your own body language last night.

1. TED Talks

“Kids, let me tell you about a time when I alienated a loyal fan base with a sacrilegious and tone-deaf series finale.” So, Ted Mosby finally told us how he met their mother, only to kill her off a scene or two later so that he could wait outside Aunt Robin’s window toting a blue French horn.”

The sad thing? Ted and The Mother actually had terrific chemistry in the scene in which they met.

Alan Sepinwall was not pleased. ( <— That’s a terrific read, by the way)

I’ll say this: I moved to New York City when I was 22 and spent the next dozen years here uninterrupted. No sitcom every captured the joy and zaniness and silliness (Did my friends and I play Hide-And-Go-Seek once at the Waldorf-Astoria, with me ending up on a window ledge outside about 20 floors up? Maybe…)  of being a New Yorker in their 20’s better than How I Melt Your Mother. Let’s remember “Suit up!” and “Legen….wait for it and I hope you’re not lactose-intolerant because the next word is…dary” and “Slap bet!” and not let last night define the series for us.

Better yet, let’s go to the mall!

Seriously, though, if you’re going to divorce Barney and Robin –one week after their wedding, an event you spent an ENTIRE final season on, and then have Barney have a child on his own, why not go all the way and have him come out of the closet? Daddy’s home-o!

2. Mets Lose, Cubs Lose, Death, Taxes

Neil Walker blasts the game’s lone run in Pittsburgh

Baseball’s Opening Day hit yesterday, even though the Los Angeles Dodgers were idle and already 2-1. The Mets lost after allowing the tying run in the ninth inning and surrendering four in the top of the tenth, then new Met Curtis Granderson struck out looking to end the contest. The Cubs fell in Pittsburgh on a walk-off homer in the bottom of the tenth that was also the game’s lone run.

And in Anaheim, Felix Hernandez (he of the immortal moniker, “F-Her”) struck out 11 batters in six innings of work as the Mariners reeled in Trout.

In more interesting Opening Day news, Ranger fans unintentionally desecrated a statue of Shannon Stone, the fan who died at the ballpark a few years back, and Angels hitting coach Don Baylor broke his ankle while catching a ceremonial first pitch.

3. March Magnificence

Can the Spurs win another championship with mostly aging veterans, um, Hall of Famers? Kawhi not?

San Antonio closed out an undefeated month (16-0) with a 26-point rout of the East’s best team for most of the season, the Pacers, in Indianapolis. Oh, and remember that game ESPN over-hyped last week in Indy? It was the Pacers’ only win in the past six games.

Last night, on the other hand, was the Spurs’ 18th consecutive win, a franchise record. They have the league’s best record at 56-16 and appear to be the most inspired team in the league by a mile. Is anyone in Bristol —besides San Antonio native Michelle Beadle — paying attention?

4. Flori-Duh

Car leads cops on a two-county chase, but stops to pay tolls (Did he learn nothing from watching “The Godfather?”). Reminds me of the vehicle that led cops on a high-speed chase but never failed to use its turn signals. Thanks to Andy Staples for this.

5. The Jewell and the Odyssey

Odyssey Sims and The Mulkey, that li’l spitfire of a coach.

Fantastic regional final last night in women’s hoops, Baylor at Notre Dame. The Lady Bears’ Odyssey Sims, the nation’s second-leading scorer, drains 33 points in her final college game while Irish up-and-comer Jewell Loyd, a sophomore, finishes with 30 as the undefeated Irish advance, 88-69. We are one Irish win and two UConn wins away from a pair of unbeatens meeting in the NCAA Championship Game.

Reserves

An ESPN Ian Darke promo for the World Cup. This is how you do it.

***
April Fool’s Day alerts: Richard Deitsch at SI announces on Twitter that he is headed up to Bristol to debate Skip Bayless on “First Take” in May, while USATF announces a 2 x 100 human-canine event.

The Hall

Charter Inductees: Ty Cobb, Walter Johnson, Christy Mathewson, Babe Ruth, Honus Wagner

1937:  Tris Speaker, CF; Cy Young, P ; 1938: Grover Cleveland Alexander, P; Eddie Collins, 2B 1939:Nap Lajoie, 2B; Joe Jackson, LF; 1940: Billy Hamilton, OF; Cap Anson, 1B; 1941: Wee Willie Keeler, RF; George Sisler, 1B; 1942: Rogers Hornsby, 2B; Pie Traynor, 3B; 1943: Mickey Cochrane, C; Frankie Frisch, 2B 1944: Ed Walsh, P; Old Hoss Radbourn, P 1945: Lou Gehrig, 1B; Kid Nichols, P 1946: Ed Delahanty, LF; Lefty O’Doul 1947: Pud Galvin, P; John McGraw, INF 1948: Carl Hubbell, P; Addie Joss, P 1949: Harry Heilman, OF/1B; Monte Ward, P/SS 1950: Cool Papa Bell, CF; Jimmie Foxx, 1B 1951: Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown, P; Josh Gibson, C 1952: Paul Waner, RF; Charlie Gehringer, 2B 1953: Mel Ott, RF; Hank Greenberg, 1B 1954: Eddie Plank, P; Dan Brouthers, 1B 1955: “Wahoo” Sam Crawford, OF; John Clarkson, P 1956: Chief Bender, P; Bill Dickey, C 1957: Sam Rice, RF; Joe DiMaggio, CF 1958: Bill Terry, 1B; Heinie Manush, LF 1959: Dizzy Dean, P; Tim Keefe, P 

1960: Gabby Hartnett, C; Mickey Welch, P 1961: Bob Feller, P; Ducky Medwick, LF 1962: Luke Appling, SS; Jesse Burkett, LF 1963 Jackie Robinson, 2B; Zack Wheat, LF 1964: Jake Beckley, 1B; Rube Waddell, P 1965: Ralph Kiner, 1B; Lefty Grove, P 1966: Ted Williams, LF; Smoky Joe Wood, P/OF 1967: Roy Campanella, C; Max Carey, OF 1968: Goose Goslin, LF; Rabbit Maranville, SS 1969: Stan Musial, 1B/OF 1970: Ferris Fain, 1B; Earle Combs, CF 1971: Warren Spahn, P; Yogi Berra, C 1972 Satchel Paige, P; Sandy Koufax, P 1973: Robin Roberts, P; Whitey Ford, P 1974: Mickey Mantle, CF; Eddie Mathews, 3B 1975: Lefty Gomez, P; Hack Wilson, CF 1976: Jack Pfiester, P; Johnny Mize, 1B 1977: Ernie Banks, SS; Mickey Welch, P 1978: Roberto Clemente, RF; Chuck Klein, RF 1979: Willie Mays, CF; Luis Aparicio,  SS 1980: Al Kaline, RF; Enos Slaughter, RF 1981: Bob Gibson, P; Harmon Killebrew, 1B 1982: Hank Aaron, RF; Frank Robinson, OF 1983: Brooks Robinson, 3B, Juan Marichal, P 1984: Hoyt Wilhelm, P; Arky Vaughan, SS 1985: Lou Brock, LF; Pete Browning, OF

1986

Hayden Siddhartha “Sidd” Finch, P; 1985, New York Mets

Finch, the French horn-tooting hurler who threw pure thermonuclear heat (168 m.p.h.) and pitched while only wearing one shoe, a size 14 boot, was a brilliant comet that briefly flashed across the baseball sky. As Sports Illustrated reported, “He’s a pitcher, part yogi and part recluse, impressively liberated  from our opulent life-style. Sidd’s deciding about yoga–and his future in baseball.”

Remote Patrol

The Man With The 132-Pound Scrotum

DFH 10 p.m.

April Fool’s? You decide. Here’s the actual blurb: “A profile of a Las Vegas man with a debilitating medical condition called scrotal lymphedema that caused his scrotum to swell to more than 100 pounds.” That’s nuts.