STARTING FIVE

1. 61

LeBron James goes for a career-high 61 points versus the Charlotte Bobcat Goldthwaites, who are not as horrid as they used to be. Moving from horrid to torrid, James was 8 for 10 from beyond the arc, which is astounding because he still shoots line drives.

So now LeBron and Roger Maris have both hit 61 once.

Buried beneath the lede: Al “Movin’ On Up” Jefferson scores 38 boards and grabs 19 rebounds in a losing effort, and the Heat win their eighth straight. They now only trail Indiana by one game in the Loss column.

By the way, all of you breathless LeBron worshippers. Ya boy’s 61-pointer is the 64th 60-or-more point game in NBA history. Exactly half of those 60-or-more point games, i.e. 32, were posted by Wilt Chamberlain, who is NOT on LBJ’s hypothetical Rushmore list. What Evs.

You want to know what really makes this interesting for those of you following the two-man MVP race? Kevin Durant is home tonight versus the Philadelphia 76ers, HELLO!

2. Despicable US, Too

What do the following have in common: “The Croods”, “We’re The Millers”, “Grown Ups 2”, “Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa”, “This Is The End”? They all grossed TWICE AS MUCH money as “12 Years a Slave” did in 2013. Hell, not one but two Tyler Perry films earned more than TYaS. “The Lone Ranger”, which absolutely blew, earned 40% more and even “After Earth”, which won the Razzy for the year’s worst film, out-earned the Oscar winner for Best Picture.

So, yeah, like Ellen said, we’re all racists.

By the way, Will Leitch did a nice job ranking the Oscar hosts of the past 20 years or so. And I loved Ellen’s monologue. Polite, using misdirection and soft-spoken tones to land the sharpest jabs. It’s Bob Newhart 101, and she excels at it.

And here’s the Dorothy Parker of the Upper Midwest, Katie McCollow, on the Oscars.

3. Re-Meet The Beadle

I’m really NOT buying the Cult of Beadle, and I think this Return of Beadle montage is its own self-incriminating evidence. As Colin warns, “Stay humble (nope, didn’t do that), stay focused (strike two), and watch out for bears (which, in this case, would be NBC exec Sam Flood).”

Beadle failed horribly to adjust her game at NBC, and it wasn’t all the Peacock’s fault (and I worked there, so I have some insight to how they make the sausage). Somewhere along the line she began to think she was a MAJOR talent, like someone witty and snarky enough to be Jimmy Kimmel or Letterman or Seth Meyers, and she’s just…not.

I understand that her game is light fluff, but the entire montage is 100% devoid of humility. She might’ve won me back had she just said, “Well, that water was a little too deep for me. I found out I prefer the kiddie pool, and I’m thankful they have room for me.”

By the way, you know who WON’T be opining on Beadle’s solipsistic voyage from Bristol to Birmingham and back? Keith Olbermann…though he might if she were hopping back to another network.

4. Your Obligatory Rust Cohle Update

Finally, thanks to this Rolling Stone interview, I find that Matthew McConaughey and I have something in common (besides our chiseled features, that is): “I received all eight episodes, but I said, ‘You know what? I’m gonna check them out each Sunday night and then sit on each episode for a week.‘ I’ve found myself going back and watching each one of them about three times during the week and fucking really enjoying it.”

Three is my steady figure for number of times I watch the current week’s “True Detective” episode myself.

McConaughey on Rust: “What I like about Rust is everything he says is true. Like it or not. He can’t suffer fools.” Hey, where have I heard that before?

Your daily TD epiphany: It occurs to me that 2012 Rust might have gone slightly Crash, i.e., gotten himself a little high or messed up, before walking into that consultation room with the two detectives. Have you noticed how his face looked a little different in Sunday’s episode, even though it was the same year?

Also, he was toying with Gilbough and Papania, literally using the beer can cut-outs to recreate the crime scene right in front of them, giving it to them, and they didn’t see it. What did Marty tell them: It’s that old detective adage, you miss what’s right under your nose? That’s Nic Pizzolatto rewarding you for paying attention.

Yes, in lieu of payment, I will be accepting “True Detective” action figures.

5. That’s No Man!

 

Greg Novak, a farmer in the central Minnesota town of Gilman, built this frozen water giant. Keep in mind, they also have this in Minnesota.

The Hall

Charter Inductees: Ty Cobb, Walter Johnson, Christy Mathewson, Babe Ruth, Honus Wagner

1937:  Tris Speaker, CF; Cy Young, P ; 1938: Grover Cleveland Alexander, P; Eddie Collins, 2B;1939:Nap Lajoie, 2B; Joe Jackson, LF; 1940: Billy Hamilton, OF; Cap Anson, 1B; 1941: Wee Willie Keeler, RF; George Sisler, 1B; 1942: Rogers Hornsby, 2B; Pie Traynor, 3B; 1943: Mickey Cochrane, C; Frankie Frisch, 2B 1944: Ed Walsh, P; Old Hoss Radbourn, P 1945: Lou Gehrig, 1B; Kid Nichols, P 1946: Ed Delahanty, LF; Lefty O’Doul 1947: Pud Galvin, P; John McGraw, INF 1948: Carl Hubbell, P; Addie Joss, P 1949: Harry Heilman, OF/1B; Monte Ward, P/SS

1950: Cool Papa Bell, CF; Jimmie Foxx, 1B 1951: Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown, P; Josh Gibson, C 1952: Paul Waner, RF; Charlie Gehringer, 2B 1953: Mel Ott, RF; Hank Greenberg, 1B 1954: Eddie Plank, P; Dan Brouthers, 1B 1955: “Wahoo” Sam Crawford, OF; John Clarkson, P1956: Chief Bender, P; Bill Dickey, C 1957: Sam Rice, RF; Joe DiMaggio, CF 1958: Bill Terry, 1B; Heinie Manush, LF 1959: Dizzy Dean, P; Tim Keefe, P 1960: Gabby Hartnett, C; Mickey Welch, P1961: Bob Feller, P; Ducky Medwick, LF 1962: Luke Appling, SS; Jesse Burkett, LF 1963 Jackie Robinson, 2B; Zack Wheat, LF 1964: Jake Beckley, 1B; Rube Waddell, P 1965: Ralph Kiner, 1B, Lefty Grove, P 1966: Ted Williams, LF; Smoky Joe Wood, P/OF 1967: Roy Campanella, C; Max Carey, OF 1968: Goose Goslin, LF; Rabbit Maranville, SS 1969: Stan Musial, 1B/OF

1970

Ferris Fain, 1B; 1947-1955, Philadelphia A’s, 3 others

Though not actually in the Hall of Fame (he only played nine seasons), this two-time National League batting champion and five-time All-Star belongs. If not there, then at least in the Hall of Fain. Hello? His father, a jockey who led Duval to a second-place finish in the 1912 Kentucky Derby; his mother, a domestic maid. Now there’s a story…

Earle Combs, CF; 1924-1935, New York Yankees

The leadoff hitter and centerfielder for the Murderer’s Row era teams, Combs was no mere bystander. He only hit below .299 once in 11 full seasons and racked up a career batting average of .325. “The Kentucky Colonel” was the most popular Yankee among sportswriters, too, because he was such a gentleman.

Remote Patrol

Florida at South Carolina

ESPNU 7 p.m.

The Gators are No. 1 in the nation. The Gamecocks just upset Kentucky, about whom Fran Frischilla said last night, “I saw them play in Dallas earlier this season, and John (Calipari) told me they were running JayVee drills for them.” Will the Cocks win, storm the court, and be fined $25,000 by the SEC for the second time in one week?

 

 

STARTING FIVE

Thank you, thank you, and thank you to @Okerland and @J_Anstey for the fabulous job they did last Thursday and Friday. They are definitely not the Colin Jost to my Seth Meyers. Rather, they are the Tina Feys to my Amy Poehler. Thanks, kids, and be careful, you may have induced me to take leave (of my senses?) more often.

 1. Oscar…

Quick Riffs:

Mr. Kotter: “Hey, Barbarino!”

Vinny (flips hair): “Heh, heh…what?”

Kotter: “Idina Menzel.”

Vinny: “Who?”

Kotter: “The Broadway starlet. It’s Idina Menzel, not Adele Dazim.”

Vinny: “When?”

Kotter: “Last night!”

Vinny: “Where?”

Kotter: “At the Oscars!”

Vinny: “Why?”

Kotter: “Cuz you mispronounced her name in front of a billion people, you idiot. She was about to sing the song from “Frozen” and next time she should dedicate it to your face.”

Freddy Washington: “Mr. Kah-TAIR, that was cold.”

******

Personally, I missed much of the telecast, but I do think that when Ellen DeGeneres shook down Brad Pitt for cash that he should’ve cast her a withering look and said, “Look at this face: Do I need to carry cash?” Of course, Kevin Spacey, being far brighter, simply handed Ellen another bill and said, “This is for you.” Why do I think he’d be better at improv than Brad?”

*****

I think if Oscar could’ve distinguished Leo DiCaprio in that role in which he played an obnoxious, misogynist and corrupt Wall Street bastard in 2014 from that role in which he played an obnoxious, misogynist and corrupt Wall Street bastard in 2014, that he might’ve won.

******

I love how they pair Charlize Theron and Chris Hemsworth, as if to say, let’s just put the gene pool on fast forward and skip 16 generations of evolution.

******

We all have a crush on Matthew McConaughey this morning, but I did wonder whether or not Rust Cohle might have found his “Who’s my hero?” bit a little “This is all for me….Me, me…I, I” By the way, did you notice that MM’s mom was the hottest sexagenarian in the room? And, yes, I just put the words “hottest” and “sexagenarian” in the same thought.

****

Bill Murray, ad-libbing, remembered his recently deceased pal and collaborator, Harold Ramis, because he is Bill Murray and no one is cooler.

***
Don’t know if the director did this, but when they brought out Kim Novak I would have jump-cut between her and U2 (“Vertigo”).

****

Did they bring out Will Smith to introduce Best Picture so that people would debate –prior to the announcement–that “12 Years a Slave” would win because he’s black or that “Gravity” would win because he played an astronaut or that “American Hustle” would win because he played a federal agent?

****
They’re making a sequel to “The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel?” Did I hear that correctly? Dame Judi Dench is determined to win another Oscar if it kills her.

****

“What do you call a black guy who flies a plane?” “I don’t know, what?” “A pilot, you racist bastard.” That joke, from “True Detective”, on this of all nights. Marty Hart, you rascal.

****

Can’t believe I saw like five movies all year and two of them were Oscar winners “Twenty Feet from Stardom” and “The Great Beauty.” Fifteen minutes into the latter film, I despised it; by the end I thought it was probably the best film I saw all year. Highly recommended.

 2. …Oscar…

Speaking of great performances and Oscar, a certain murder trial in South Africa commenced almost concurrently with last night’s Academy Awards telecast. The trial of Olympian double-amputee sprinter Oscar Pistorius, who buried four bullets into a locked bathroom door because intruders prefer to hide in locked bathrooms and home-owners never ask people to identify themselves before blasting away, is now underway (solid aibi, but will it play in Pretoria?….Yes, yes, I know, the trail is in Jo-Burg).

Her name was Reeva Steenkamp, by the way, and she was Oscar’s girlfriend, and it was Valentine’s Day.

The trial is being televised in South Africa and cell phones are allowed in the court room. Apparently, it should take three weeks and there could be 107 witnesses called. The question is, Will he walk?

It seems to be going well for Oscar so far…

3. …Oscar (rearrange letters, add a “c” and an “a”)….Carcosa

If you have yet to watch last night’s penultimate episode of “True Detective”, I’ll give you the option of reading Alan Sepinwall’s typically insightful review or avoiding it. Here’s my one insight:

–We did not actually see what happened to Marie Fontenot, but we saw how her murder (?) or rape (?) or both was staged. Which looks an AWFUL LOT like that little staging that took place in Marty’s daughter’s room with the dolls 17 years earlier. And that on the night after the family had spent the day with Marty’s in-laws. That doesn’t just happen for no reason. Is Marty’s father-in-law also involved? Did the older daughter happen upon a photo or tape of the murder either at her granddad’s or via a friend? Is that why she is on medication as an adult?

Also, I hope Marty’s Match.com profile reads “religious but not spiritual.”

4. Colin Blow

 

Wow, was “Weekend Update” awful. Let’s get this out of the way:

— First of all, I haven’t really liked Cecily Strong in the role from the start. Like her in other stuff on SNL, but not here. Not yet.

–Lorne Michaels has a stable of first-year male cast members and he gives Jost the job vacated by Seth Meyers. Granted, Jost looks like a news anchor, but can you imagine Bill Murray or Norm MacDonald introducing himself to America by telling us it was his lifelong dream to be there? And, PLEASE, both you and Cecily, stop laughing off-camera at the guest’s jokes.

–Having taught at the neighboring high school, Loyola, myself, I’m very familiar with the Regis Prep/Harvard type. And, seriously, Jost, who is an alumnus of both schools, comes across more as a type than a fully-formed human being (he looks like every Goldman Sachs sales guy I’ve ever met). Maybe he will improve. I just don’t know why you don’t at least give Beck Bennett a shot at this gig.

–Jost, whose father is the Chief Medical Officer for the New York City Fire Dept. (now THAT is a cool job), has the Harvard Lampoon prez/co-head writer at SNL pedigree. Then again, I don’t think any previous WU anchor attended an Ivy League school so what does that have to do with anything? It’s early, and I’m probably being far too harsh, but here’s what I’d like to know: just a year (or two?) ago SNL had a writer named John Mulaney who has better stage presence than anyone in the current cast with the possible exception of Taran Killam. He would have been perfect for this gig. Wonder if it was ever offered to him.

5. Auto Pilot

Spent the weekend on the Baja peninsula in Mexico, watching and somewhat helping out at the San Felipe 250, an off-road race that requires stamina, courage and superior driving ability. I had the great good fortune of being part of the crew (easily the least important part, but still, a part) for Trevor Andersen’s team. Trevor’s dad, Mark, is a super guy who reminds you a little of Mike Holmgren and is a pilot for Federal Express (and he doesn’t even mind answering the obligatory “Castaway” questions).

That’s Trevor’s ride, the day after. Notice the hood.

Trevor is a precocious college senior at UCSD who drove the team’s (Gonzo Racing) 516 Series Baja bug all over the Baja Peninsula in inhospitable conditions. We had rain and what must have been 40 mph winds and at one point Trevor actually suffered a rollover, but Trevor is mature and composed beyond his years. He simply, with the help of a few locals, righted the bug and continued on with the race.

Thanks to my brother, Porge, for inviting me and to our other brother, Jones, for not murdering me for twice disregarding his border-crossing instructions (“Zip it”). Thanks to the Andersen family (Mark, Terrell and Trevor) for hosting us. If you ever have a chance to watch a race in the Mexican desert while purchasing 18 peso asada tacos from a roadside stand, by all means, do it.

 

 Reserves

I’m no fan of Jim Dolan. My piece in Newsweek.

The Hall

Charter Inductees: Ty Cobb, Walter Johnson, Christy Mathewson, Babe Ruth, Honus Wagner

1937:  Tris Speaker, CF; Cy Young, P ; 1938: Grover Cleveland Alexander, P; Eddie Collins, 2B;1939:Nap Lajoie, 2B; Joe Jackson, LF; 1940: Billy Hamilton, OF; Cap Anson, 1B; 1941: Wee Willie Keeler, RF; George Sisler, 1B; 1942: Rogers Hornsby, 2B; Pie Traynor, 3B; 1943: Mickey Cochrane, C; Frankie Frisch, 2B 1944: Ed Walsh, P; Old Hoss Radbourn, P 1945: Lou Gehrig, 1B; Kid Nichols, P 1946: Ed Delahanty, LF; Lefty O’Doul 1947: Pud Galvin, P; John McGraw, INF 1948: Carl Hubbell, P; Addie Joss, P 1949: Harry Heilman, OF/1B; Monte Ward, P/SS

1950: Cool Papa Bell, CF; Jimmie Foxx, 1B 1951: Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown, P; Josh Gibson, C 1952: Paul Waner, RF; Charlie Gehringer, 2B 1953: Mel Ott, RF; Hank Greenberg, 1B1954: Eddie Plank, P; Dan Brouthers, 1B 1955: “Wahoo” Sam Crawford, OF; John Clarkson, P1956: Chief Bender, P; Bill Dickey, C 1957: Sam Rice, RF; Joe DiMaggio, CF 1958: Bill Terry, 1B; Heinie Manush, LF 1959: Dizzy Dean, P; Tim Keefe, P 1960: Gabby Hartnett, C; Mickey Welch, P1961: Bob Feller, P; Ducky Medwick, LF 1962: Luke Appling, SS; Jesse Burkett, LF 1963 Jackie Robinson, 2B; Zack Wheat, LF 1964: Jake Beckley, 1B; Rube Waddell, P 1965: Ralph Kiner, 1B, Lefty Grove, P 1966: Ted Williams, LF; Smoky Joe Wood, P/OF 1967: Roy Campanella, C; Max Carey, OF 1968: Goose Goslin, LF; Rabbit Maranville, SS

1969

Stan Musial, OF/1B; 1941-1963, St. Louis Cardinals

A true all-time great, Stan the Man collected 3,630 career hits (fourth, all-time) and retired with a .331 batting average and is as inextricably linked with the Cards as any player is with any franchise. Musial was a 24-time All-Star, a three-time National League MVP and a seven-time NL batting champion. He won three World Series and remarkably, had 1,815 career hits at home and 1,815 on the road.

In fact, we’re only doing one name today. No one else deserves to be on this page with Stan.

Remote Patrol

Sports Nation

ESPN2 3 p.m.

Cue The Spinners’ “Working My Way Back To You” as erstwhile ESPN personality and erstwhile NBC personality Michelle Beadle returns to the show that made her a basement-hold’s name. The shine is somewhat off this apple, and I’m sure Max Kellerman and Marcellus Wiley are just thrilled to be sharing the platform with her. Then again, she helped give birth to and nurtured this show, so they’ll just have to shut up and like it. Unless you’re stoned or skipping Philosophy 101, though, you really should have better things to be doing at this time of day, though.