STARTING FIVE

Jameis would be the seventh Heisman winner in the past 10 years to play for the national championship.

1. Jameis and the Five Dwarfs

Four quarterbacks — Florida State’s Jameis Winston, Alabama’s A.J. McCarron, Northern Illinois’ Jordan Lynch and Texas A&M’s Johnny Manziel, who won last year — and two running backs, Boston College’s Andre Williams and Auburn’s Tre Mason, will be in New York City this weekend as finalists for the Heisman Trophy. Or, five men will be clapping respectfully when Jameis’ name is announced.

Because the six most outstanding players in college football all play offense.

Hey, we know the award is slanted –there should be an offensive and defensive Heisman, but that’s just me.

Why six invitees, the most since 1994? Is it so provide some flanking for Winston in terms of relentless media pressure? Might they not have just invited the Seminole O-line?

A flying Carr? Yes, but New York City is not on the manifest.

The lone grave oversight, not that he would’ve won, is Fresno State QB Derek Carr, who led the nation in passing yardage (4,866) and TD throws (48) and was one of only four passers to complete greater than 70% of his attempts. Sub-par competition? Sure, but how come no ever notes that most players in Carr’s position also have, relatively, sub-par teammates?

2. Say More, Jay Mohr

Patrick and boyfriend Ricky Stenhouse, Jr.,: Beside themselves, but not with laughter.

Comedian Jay Mohr, a.k.a. Bob Sugar, hosted the NASCAR awards banquet and chose to trade paint with Dan Patrick. Which made no sense to me. I mean, he doesn’t even drive to work. He works out of his own house. So what’s the….what? Hunh? Ohhhhhh. Well, you can watch here.

The hardest part to watch was Mohr trying to ingratiate himself with Danica after the “I know you’re not used to being this close to the front” line. At least Norm McDonald, during his epic hosting of the ESPYs, scorched the earth and didn’t try to plant any seeds afterward. But it wasn’t as embarrassing for Mohr as it was for Patrick: not being able to laugh at yourself is a character flaw. As Jay said, “It’s a comedy show, Geez Louise.”

(I thought I was the only one who said, “Geez, Louise.”)

Mohr’s entire monologue is nestled in these words with the line underneath them.

3. How The West Was Fun

Nicolas Batum and the Blazers are 8-0 versus the Jayvee clubs from the Eastern Conference.

So far the Western Conference has a 70-33 record versus Eastern Conference teams this season in the NBA. Then again, the Miami Heat have only played four of their 22 games outside of the East. Still, the West has been dominant and just plain more fun, and that’s before Kobe Bryant returned (the Lakers are 0-1 versus the East with Kobe, in fact).

The West’s top three squads — Portland, San Antonio and OKC — are a combined 19-1 versus the East, the lone defeat being SAS’ loss last Saturday to Indiana, which just happens to have the NBA’s top record (18-3). Not surprisingly, 10 of the top 12 teams in SI.com’s latest Power Rankings are Western Conference clubs.

4. Swimrunning is a Thing? Yes, in Sweden

Inspired by the final scene in ‘Gravity?’

They run. Then they swim. Then they run some more. Then swim some more. And again and again and again.

The race is known as “Ottilo“ and it takes place in September in Sweden. Two-man teams, literally tied together, swim and run, between and across, respectively, 26 islands. Total distance: 75 kilometers, or about 46 miles. About 10K, or 6.2 miles, is swam and the rest, or 65 km (about 40 miles) is run. So if you don’t like running in soggy socks, do not attempt.

Also, it costs about $1,600 per team to enter, so if you don’t like spending lots of money, don’t enter. Here’s an expanded story and video on the annual amphibious race. And here’s one more.

5. “Condescending?”

“Get this %$#!* coach off my %$#! bench!”

According to news reports, Jason Kidd used a “13-letter word” on former assistant coach Lawrence Frank during a rant in a loss at Orlando last month. If you’ve seen Snakes on a Plane, you’re familiar with the word. If you have not seen Snakes on a Plane, you are still familiar with the word. I can’t blame Kidd, who at the time was just one week into his head coaching gig wit the GarNets and was trying to establish who was supposed to be the authority figure on the bench. You’ve got to establish who’s the boss and who’s, well, Tony Danza, in these matters.

Reserves

“You Say One D-…”

Paul Rudd as a crazed One Direction fan on SNL. Good stuff.

Andy Dufresne Was No Idiot

I do hope they have para-sailing in Zihuatanejo.

Crowds are beginning to swell on Mexico’s Pacific Coast, The New York Times reports. Like, duh. Captain Stubing and the ex-cons from Shawshank could have told them that.

So Close

No Iron City Miracle at Heinz Field, but it was the closest thing to a miraculous finish in the Steel City since the most miraculous NFL finish of all time. Antonio Brown proved once again that it is indeed a game of inches. At the end of a play in which about six different Steelers touched the ball, including both a 334-pound offensive lineman and Ben Roethlisberger twice, Brown blew an all-time Alcoa Fantastic Finish by grazing the white with his left shoe after he’d gotten behind every Dolphin defender? That’s karma biting Mike Tomlin in the tush.

 Remote Patrol

Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show

ABC 8 p.m.

This is actually Rick Reilly’s sister-in-law.

Wonder Bra. Wunderbar! Taylor Swift performs, too. Because, whatever.

STARTING FIVE

Tre Mason, 304 rushing yards vs Mizzou. Auburn’s top offensive weapon is from Florida, and FSU’s top offensive weapon is from Alabama.

 1. Going to California

It’s about a three-and-a-half hour drive through some of the more rural South that you will ever encounter to get from Auburn, Ala,, to Tallahassee, Fla., but those are the homes of the campuses of the nation’s top two ranked football programs. No. 2 Auburn. No. 1 Florida State.

George T. Bagby State Park, about midway between Jordan-Hare and Doak Campbell Stadiums.

Both schools will be traveling to alien territory –a land west of College Station, Texas — to meet in the final BCS National Championship Game on January 6. It’s about a five-hour flight from both campuses to Pasadena, Calif., site of the Rose Bowl (THE best place to watch a college football game, bar none). Excluding bowl games, the last time Auburn ventured to California was in 2002, when it lost its season opener at Southern California, 24-17. The last time Florida State made a non-bowl pilgrimage to the Golden State was in 1997, when the Seminoles beat the Trojans at the Coliseum, 14-7.

A good midpoint, if the Seminoles and Tigers just wanted to settle it like the back yard brawl that it is, would be George T. Bagby State Park in southwest Georgia.

Seminoles open up a 9-point favorite. FSU has won every game by at least 14 points and in their last five game have been up at halftime by an aggregate score of 156-7. The Tigers have trailed in the fourth quarter in two of their past three games, and only led by a field goal at the start of the final quarter in the other game.

So, naturally, I like Auburn here. Only because the Seminoles, as dominant as they are, don’t know from pressure. In their last pressure game, at Doak Campbell, FSU only led Miami 21-14 at the half.

All that said, I do love Seminole wide receiver Kelvin Benjamin and if I had a Heisman vote I’d find a way to put him somewhere on my ballot.

2. Pan-Demonium

Atkinson pans “A Charlie Brown Christmas”: “Neurotic 7 year-olds and smooth jazz.”

Everyone’s a critic, but no one seems to enjoy it as much Jebidiah Atkinson, 19th-century newspaper panner deluxe, as portrayed by Taran Killam on “Saturday Night Live.” The character sprang from a real-life news event — last month the Harrisburg Patriot & Union printed a retraction of its initial remarks, some “seven score and ten years ago”, in which it had dismissed President Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address as “silly remarks.”

That’s when an inspired SNL writer hatched the idea to create Atkinson as the unrepentant critic who first panned the most famous speech in American history. This weekend he returned to destroy Christmas specials, going so far as to criticize the birth of Jesus as a rip-off of “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.”

Jebidiah Atkinson is the lone breakout character on SNL thus far this season, and Killam, 31, is the cast’s most talented male performer (he’s married to Cobie Smulders of “How I Melt Your Mother”, and it didn’t take them 9 seasons to figure out they were going to wed). If you stuck around to the end of this weekend’s show, you saw a skit, a revision of the Bill Brasky sketches that Will Ferrell created when he was a cast member, that included host Paul Rudd, Ferrell, David Koechner (the man who plays Champ Kind in “Anchorman”) and one current SNL performer: Killam. It was like Killam was being invited to the big kids’ table.

3. Cox Populi?

Cox’s fifth question to Jameis Winston incited a walkaway.

The most memorable moment of Florida State’s 45-0 45-7 defeat of Duke in the ACC Championship Game came moments after the game ended. ABC’s Heather Cox corraled Seminole quarterback Jameis Winston for an on-field interview, which if you have not yet seen, you may watch here.

Cox asked a total of five questions. The first four were solid inquiries and Winston, who after all is 19 and had a pretty intense week by anyone’s standards, handled them with grace. “I gotta get more mature,” he said after the fourth question.

At Cox’s fifth question, “And Jameis, how come you decided not to talk?”, an FSU handler shoved him away. And that’s Joe Schad chasing Winston for a follow-up interview while Jameis asks others, “Where’s Kirkman at?”

Cue the media debate as to whether Cox crossed the line.

I gotta be honest: I adore Heather Cox. I’ve known her for almost 10 years and she’s one of my favorite people in this sports media biz. Like Alex Flanagan, she’s doing the whole career woman/wife/mom thing while never trying to sell me a fitness video or a pill that supports both digestive health AND immune health. She’s a pro.

I think Heather went one question too far here. This isn’t the sit-down with Jeremy Schaap. It’s an impromptu moment and this is a college student whose reputation has been forever sullied concerning a crime that he was never even charged for. Winston answered four questions, he gave you the quote that America yearned for –“I gotta get more mature” — and after that it just got a little uncomfortable.

Jameis Winston never even spoke to Willie Meggs. He gave ABC 90 seconds. Is Cox wrong for pursuing this line of questioning? That’s up to you. But Winston, and the FSU handler who pushed him away, were certainly entitled to react in the manner that they did.

Let’s wait to see what Jebidiah Atkinson thought of the encounter.

4. Some Day Love Will Find You

And now I come to you, with open arms…

He’s the lead guitarist for Journey, responsible for embedded-in-your-brain riffs on “Don’t Stop Believin'” and my favorite, as far as opening licks go, “Stone In Love.” ( <—- My favorite amateur video ever made; this is how summer camp counselors kill time). She’s a publicity whore who once crashed a White House party.

And now these crazy kids, Neal Schon and Michaele Salahi, are going to get married! And you’re invited to their December 15 wedding, for just $14.95. Yes, the wedding will be broadcast on pay-per-view. Not only will you witness the nuptials, but Schon and his current Journey band members will debut a new song.

High-pitched legendary and erstwhile Journey lead singer Steve Perry will not attend. Why not? Because he and Schon have gone their…separate ways.

5. Chris Davis Did Not Return This One

That’s Britton Colquitt holding. Somebody needs to give him love.

Matt Prater of the Denver Broncos kicks an NFL-record 64 yard-field goal on the last play of the first half at Invesco Field. Not much more to say about that other than there had been four men tied at 63 yards — Tom Dempsey, Jason Elam, Sebastian Janikowski and David Akers. Two of those kicks, like Prater’s, had come in the friendly Mile High atmosphere of Denver.

Most impressive about Prater’s boot? He made that kick in 18-degree weather. That may be why more Bronco teammates did not mob him at midfield…because they were anxious to get indoors.

That’s Leon Washington of the Titans standing in the end zone with the best view of it all.

The next barrier? A field goal that is snapped from the 50 or beyond, which would be at least a 67-yarder.

Reserves

NBC takes the Lowe road. The British native is in as their next female marquee “presenter.”

Michelle Beadle is out and Rebecca Lowe is in at NBC Sports, where Sam Flood will brook no snark when it comes to Olympics coverage. “Beads” was perfect for “Sports Nation”, but it only took me two telecasts watching her at the London Games to discern that either she was going to have to modify her act or that this marriage would be briefer than Schon’s and Salahi’s. It may be too much to hope for, but I’d like to see just one sports chat show with only females, with your hosts Rebecca Lowe and Rebecca Lobo.

*****

“The last time I had eight months off I was in the womb” — Kobe Bryant, upon his return to the Lakers last night.

We’ve missed you, Mamba. Welcome back. But can someone on the Lakers hold Amir Johnson to below 32 points, please?

***

The Knicks lost by 41? At home? To Brad Stevens??? Wow, that’s bad. The Knicks are, may I say it, “guffawful.”

*****
The Chiefs (insert comically inappropriate and racially insensitive verb here) the Redskins, 45-10, in the Geronimo Bowl.

****

It’s now December 9, all the college football games that don’t end in “Bowl” or “-Navy” have been played, and we still haven’t heard a peep from Thayer Evans since mid-September. No tweets. No bylines. Could it be that SI will not fire him because they could open themselves up to a wrongful termination suit? Or do they just feel he needs a break? Where are you when we need you, Brooks Melchior?

*****

By the way, if you eliminate the regional cover, the last three college football teams to appear on the cover of SI are the Oregon Ducks, Alabama Crimson Tide, and Ohio State Buckeyes. If I’m Florida State, I’d prefer a return visit from Heather Cox over one from SI.

 Lone Survivor

Luttrell (your far right) and his three SEAL teammates who perished.

An outstanding piece on “60 Minutes” last night on Marcus Luttrell, the only SEAL who survived an ill-fated covert mission in 2005 that claimed 19 lives of U.S. military men in Afghanistan. The book, “Lone Survivor”, is already a best-seller and a film starring Mark Wahlberg in the title role will be released later this month. Oh, and Wahlberg has some anger issues.

STARTING FIVE

Kendrick tried this eight times using a wine glass before she realized plastic was less messy.

1. “You’re Gonna Miss Me When I’m Gone…”

Anna Kendrick’s audition in “Pitch Perfect” says it all: You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone.

In the past 24 hours Nelson Mandela, Chris Petersen and Robinson Cano appear to have all departed places where they were beloved. One of them ascended to heaven, and the other two to the place where Kurt Cobain put a bullet through his own head, but hey, I like Seattle.

Mandela, who passed at age 95, unjustly was imprisoned for 27 years on Robben Island.

For Mandela, the world’s most unifying force since Martin Luther King, Jr., it was time, after 95 heroic and indomitable years, to depart earth. The list of encomia (plural of encomium?) are too long to present here, so I’ll just echo what many others have said using fewer words:

Nelson Mandela was a MAN.

His qualities, his character, his spirit, represented the apotheosis of mankind. Here was a person who was born and raised on the same continent where man first came down from the trees, first learned to use tools, first developed language, and while so many other continents have come so much further than has Africa in terms of civilization, the most evolved human of the past century was residing there the entire time.

Petersen should avoid the trap of Dan Hawkins and Dirk Koetter, former BSU coaches who stumbled upon taking bigger jobs.

Then there’s Chris Petersen, the Boise State football coach who appears headed to the “big time” at the University of Washington. Smart move and good for him. Coach Pete, 49, has amassed a 92-12 record in eight seasons on the Smurf Turf, which is an 88.5%  win percentage, which would place him just ahead of Notre Dame’s Knute Rockne (88.1%), who is only the winningest college football coach of all time.

There are a lot of similarities between Boise State in this millennium an d Notre Dame in the 1920s. And the only reasons Petersen isn’t more celebrated for that percentage is that his eight years are not Rockne’s 13 (for both, all were with the same school) and that the Broncos did not play the same level of top-notch programs.

It won’t happen, but if Petersen were to remain on the Bronco sideline for its bowl, and if the powers-that-be could arrange the sexiest matchup between 8-4 teams ever to take place (Poinsettia Bowl?), Notre Dame itself could be the school to knock Pete off the pedestal of winningest coach by percentage and reestablish Rockne to his throne. Although I believe the Pac-12 will do that, anyway.

Cano could’ve joined the rare space of Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle and Jeter. He won’t now. He may not care.

And finally, Robinson Cano, who just signed a 10-year, $240 million deal with the Seattle Mariners. Cano may be the most talented overall player in the American League, and he WAS the Pinstripes’ offense last season. Still, this was a player who was a play-a, the one dude on the Yankees who loved the after-hours lifestyle of Manhattan even more than Jeter. This deal works wonderfully for his agent, Jay-Z, who clears a nice percentage off the top. But how will Cano enjoy living and playing in Seattle, a beautiful city but one that is far from the beats of NYC? Does he even like Macklemore?

If I can make it there, I’ll get paid anywhere…

Still, Seattle is where it’s at right now. The Emerald City has the NFL’s best team and it just added two major figures to its sports landscape. How does Puget Sound? Very, very nice.

2. “Heathers” Comes to Women’s College Hoops

Bria Hartley. My heart goes out to whoever had to broadcast last night’s Huskies game.

Last night the University of Connecticut defeated UC-Davis, 97-37. UConn scored as many points in the second half, 37, as the Aggies did all game. So what? So, the box score stood out to me because it featured a Brianna and a Brianne for UC-Davis and, for the Huskies, a Brianna, a Breanna, a Bria and a Briana.

Where did this name come from? Who had that name in 1993 that made every mother want to give her daughter that name? Help, please.

3. Sharknado, The Musical

How much better would this production have been if Tracy Jordan had played Captain Von Trapp?

Kudos to NBC for trying something new last night, but then again this is the same network that gave us “Cop Rock” (my bad, that was ABC: thanks to Jeff M.) “Seinfeld” and “Supertrain” (Google ’em). The live production of “The Sound of Music” starring Carrie Underwood and everyone’s favorite vampire from “True Blood” was more than just a reimagining of a classic Broadway musical and film. It was a nod to Twitter.

Watching SOML, as it was hash-tagged, without being on Twitter would have been like attending a game at Fenway Park in the obstructed view seats. Thus far only sports events, which are live, have been able to lasso the full snark of Twitter to maximum effect. But last summer “Sharknado” demonstrated what could be done with a first-time dramatic event. Last night you watched SOML and waited for the wittiest people you know of to provide commentary. Some of my favorite snark:

@GarrettKuk: “There’s a telephone in the house but the Nazis sent a telegram? That’s why you lost the war, idiots”

@SteveRushin: “This is where the Von Trapps try to escape their Long Island studio.”

It’s “Mystery Science Theater 3000”, or my buddies’ old Dillon Hall dorm room triple, writ large. Writ viral. It’s the future. And every TV exec should hop on board this train. The best way to have viewers watch your show WHEN IT AIRS is to foster a Twitter-friendly environment.

4. “Hello, Westeros Morgue?”

These two remain alive (at least on HBO), they only wish they were dead.

My man Adam Duerson at SI tweets a photo of a labor of love undertaken by his colleague, Matt Gagne: Every death from the “Game Of Thrones” tomes tabbed.

5. You Forgot Jameis

Meggs, who was both figuratively and literally upstaged by the egregious chuckling of Al Lawson.

No, I didn’t.

So, the craziest thing happened to me at a dinner party I attended a couple of years ago on the Upper East Side…that of course being that I found myself at a dinner party…and on the Upper East Side.

Anyway, a woman asked me what sports I write about and I gave my stock reply: “I don’t write about sports; I write about people.”

And then I began my long-winded explanation about sports and Darwinism, and how, in the face of modern society no longer having to worry so much about where it would find food and shelter that day, about not having to wake up and worry about whether another animal would devour you (unless your roommate is Jeffery Dahmer, but he’s dead), that sports has become our surrogate for the thrill of survival. In the absence of real conflicts, such as war or starvation or saber-toothed tigers picking our remains from between their teeth, sports is our final vestige of life-or-death thrills.

And from there, I said, we use sports to examine every sociological issue. It is the prism through which we relate practically every issue known to man.

The short jaunt from Australopithecus to Oscar Madison…

(And what followed was, to me, hilarious. This woman who lived on Park Avenue and was used to associating with very wealthy and very well-educated elites suddenly saw Oscar Madison in an entirely new light –and by the way, in no universe does a sportswriter own an apartment on Park Avenue off his salary as Oscar did in “The Odd Couple”. “That’s incredible,” she said. “Have you ever thought of writing a book about that theory?”

And to be honest, I hadn’t, because to me it has always been self-evident, like writing a book about the fact that you should drive one-way down a one-way street. But maybe she was on to something…)

There was a moment during yesterday’s press conference when Willie Meggs looked at the packed room of media and quipped, “I wish y’all were as interested in all the other cases we investigate” or words similar to that effect.

But, of course, we are not. So while men I know and admire such as Gregg Doyel, Dan Wolken and Dan Wetzel wrote terrific essays yesterday off the news that Jameis Winston, Heisman Trophy winner-elect and leader of the nation’s most dominant college football team, would not be charged, essays that asked questions about how we should view Jameis or about the embarrassing flippancy that Meggs and others treated this press conference –after all, a woman accused someone of rape and, as many said, “There are no winners here”–I’d like to walk it back one step further.

The Jameis Winston case is all about the phenomenon of sport, a phenomenon that has existed for barely more than a century. And that is this: It is the modern fire pit. It brings people of all ages, races and beliefs together to discuss every issue known to mankind. So, yes, Scott Van Pelt and Trevor Matich and myself are woefully ill-equipped to discuss the minutia of a felony rape investigation, but still we do. And you’d rather hear/read about this than why Duke should employ a nickel package or some such defense against the Seminoles’ unassailable passing offense.

Sports is the instrument. People are the commodity. Just like bacon is, when you get right down to it, a salt-delivery system, spectator sports are a visceral-thrill delivery system. In a world in which visceral thrills are rarely found any more.

 

Remote Patrol

MACtion!

Bowling Green vs No. 14 Northern Illinois

ESPN 8 p.m.

Thanks to Greene, the Falcons will go bowling.

(Yes, I ran this yesterday; yes, I got the date wrong) Bowling Green versus undefeated NIU and Jordan Lynch for the MAC Championship inside Not-Rob-Ford Field. In the unlikely event that Winston is charged with sexual assault, you might be looking at your Heisman front-runner. The Huskies are one final win away from a BCS bowl, but the Falcons have won four straight by an average of 40 points per game. Keep an eye out for Falcon RB Travis Greene, who averages 118 yards per game rushing.

STARTING FIVE

The T–Wolves will go from smoke last night to Heat this weekend.

1. En Fuego

The Minnesota Timberwolves versus the San Antonio Spurs in Mexico City. Love–Duncan. Rubio-Parker. Not-Happening.

The game was called on account of smoke after a fire broke out in the elevator at Mexico City Arena.

This contest, staged abroad, would have featured players from seven different sovereign lands — France, Italy, Brazil, U.S.A., Virgin Islands, Spain and Yugoslavia.

The T-Wolves now have two days off before facing the Heat in Miami on Saturday night, so assuming that they don’t return home (to Minneapolis in December?!? Are you cray-cray??), they’re just about the happiest team in the league. Couple days in Cancun? South Beach? St. Bart’s? It’s all good.

2. Brad Edwards and Willie Meggs Have An Announcement to Make

If Winston is charged, the number on that jersey will change to “5 to 7”

Considering its impact on both the BCS National Championship as well as the Heisman Trophy, today’s 2 p.m. press conference in Tallahasssee concerning whether or not Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston will be charged with sexual assault ought to be sponsored by the Home Depot. It’s Florida, where anything can happen (George Zimmerman, Casey Anthony, offensive players blocking one another), but it would seem odd to call a press conference to announce that you’re pressing charges. Wouldn’t you simply arrest the alleged offender first and then hold the presser?

The announcement will be at 2 p.m.

By the way, yesterday afternoon on ESPN Todd McShay and Trevor Matich (love Trevor Matich!) were discussing the pros and cons of Marcus Mariota and De’Anthony Thomas leaving Eugene early. Both agreed that because no position is more cerebral that it can’t really hurt Mariota to acquire one more year of seasoning in the Pac-12 (Matt Leinart might disagree), but then Matich, assessing the position that Thomas plays, said that it requires “the intelligence of a geranium.” Hilarious.

Let’s face it: the Raiders have made worse draft picks than this.

Some producer must have screamed into Matich’s ear because the next time big Trev had an opportunity to talk, he informed us that he did not mean to imply that De’Anthony had the intelligence of a geranium, though simply by feeling the need to assure us of that, wasn’t that even more insulting?

3. Meet The Beatles

Fate will not treat the four Canadians in this photo well.

So, the dude on the far left, the one who thinks he’s an Ohio State offensive lineman departing Michigan Stadium, was murdered earlier this year. The two dudes on the far right whose faces are computer-imaged out are both in jail. And the portly white dude in the middle remains the mayor of Toronto.

4. “This Sounds Like A Good Ex-Governor…To Poop On!”

Now Palin and Bashir have something in common: they’ve both resigned from high-profile jobs.

Actually, to be more precise, to “poop in.” Or so MSNBC host Martin Bashir indirectly suggested someone do to Sarah Palin so that she might better appreciate the horrors of slavery the next time she compared something to slavery. Bashir? Bash-her is more like it! Right? Right???

Yesterday Bashir, who made these remarks on November 15 and then apologized for them on-air, announced his resignation. Not that you were watching MSNBC at 4 p.m. weekdays, anyway, so your life will probably go on relatively undisturbed. I mean, it’s not as if Trey Wingo or Suzy Kolber suggested this.

Another takeaway from this hoo-ha: “Two Girls, One Cup” pre-dates the viral video age by nearly two centuries.

5. Portlandialdridge

Hey, Bill Walton, we promise to start paying attention to Portland again.

In the span of three nights the Portland Trail Blazers took down two of the NBA’s four best teams at the Rose Garden. On Tuesday night they outlasted the Indiana Pacers 106-102 and last night they defeated the Oklahoma City Thunder, 111-104. Portland now has the league’s second-best record (16-3) behind Indiana and its second-best home record (8-1) behind the two teams that it defeated this week, who are both 9-0 at their homes. As soon as the networks can figure out whom to market (LaMarcus Aldridge) and where the Pacific Northwest is, the TBs may actually play nationally televised games. If only OKC had never left Seattle…

By the way, two of Portland’s three losses have come to the Suns (10-9), and the third time they met Portland won by one, in the Rose City, when Phoenix missed a bunny at the buzzer. No wonder these two franchises appear to be getting along so well lately.

Reserves

How does Champ Kind not land a gig on ESPN News?

Stay Classy, Bristol

In the wake of actual news –the announcement about Jameis Winston — Ron Burgundy’s appearance on the 6 p.m. “SportsCenter” was canceled last night. Somewhere Vince Vaughn is cackling.

She’s no Lynda Carter, but who is?

Meet Israeli model Bar Rafaeli Gal Godot, who will play “Wonder Woman“ in the eponymous upcoming film. Yes, she’s a Gal who’s a woman. At this stage of the game the only thing left to prattle about is who will be the last superhero to have his own full-length feature film and whether Adrian Grenier will actually land the role of Aquaman (not a chance; too skinny). My bet for the final superhero to have a film would be Elongated Man.

There’s method acting, and then there’s this role.

****

Before they go six feet under, the Rolling Stones are headed Down Under next March for what presumably will be their final tour of Australia. Ticket prices are enough to make a grown man cry.

Remote Patrol

MACtion!

ESPN 8 p.m.

Travis Greene of Bowling Green (nudge) has seven games of 120-plus rushing yards this season.

Bowling Green versus undefeated NIU and Jordan Lynch for the MAC Championship inside Not-Rob-Ford Field. In the unlikely event that Winston is charged with sexual assault, you might be looking at your Heisman front-runner. The Huskies are one final win away from a BCS bowl, but the Falcons have won four straight by an average of 40 points per game. Keep an eye out for Falcon RB Travis Greene, who averages 118 yards per game rushing.

STARTING FIVE

How did the Raptors lose? They got ZERO defensive rebounds in the fourth quarter.

1. Warriors Came Out and Play-aaaayed

After one quarter, at home, Golden State trailed Toronto by 17 points, 36-19.

At halftime, they trailed by the same margin, 65-48.

In the third quarter, the Raptors opened up the lead another 10 points to go up by 27. The score was 75-48 with 9:19 to play in the third quarter.

Then the train left the station. The Warriors outscored the visitors 64-28 the rest of the way, and 42-15 in the fourth quarter.

Their fourth-quarter comeback was the best the franchise had seen in 51 years, two cities ago in their history. The centers on the court the last time Golden State came back from a larger fourth-quarter deficit (19 points) were Wilt Chamberlain and Bill Ruerssell (February 9, 1962).

The Warrior players attributed the kick-in-the-seat motivation to a halftime speech by 18-year vet Jermaine O’Neal. No one would reveal what O’Neal, who was a beast in the paint on both ends in the fourth quarter, said, but my guess is that he did not use the word “please.”

Oh, and the Warriors, who again were down by 27 at one moment in the second half, covered the seven-point spread.

2. Tramps Likes Us…In the BCS

Ultra-running and the BCS: It’s difficult to win from the front of the pack.

Forgive me. Somehow four years have passed since the book on the left was published and my finally picking it up. As an avid runner, I’m ashamed of myself (as a human being, I’m ashamed of myself, but that’s a different story).

In “This Week in BCS Controversy”, writers and pundits whom I like and admire are tossing out the SOS argument. Is a one-loss Auburn (what about Missouri and Michigan State?!?) more worthy than an undefeated Ohio State (what about Florida State?!?)? My friend Ralph Russo at the AP asked on Twitter, “If 1 loss can be excused because of SOS than why not 2 if that team played an even tougher sked and has even better wins than a 1-loss team?”

Which brings me back to the tome on the left. There’s a scene in which the legendary distance-running coach, Joe Vigil, whose Adams State College teams won 26 national championships in 33 years, has a Eureka! moment. Vigil, observing the Leadville 100 trail race, realizes that the next step in athletic performance, beyond genetics, beyond training, beyond talent, is character.

Which brings us to what Florida State and Ohio State (okay, and Northern Illinois) and nobody else has done this season: Win every game they played. People calculate Strength of Schedule all the time but is there a quantifiable metric for the ability to win when the opposing side is giving its best effort of the season, of the players’ lives. You watched the Iron Bowl. You watched Ohio State-Michigan. Was that the same Wolverine team you’d seen in Iowa City, in Evanston, in East Lansing. In fact, the last time M Go Blue had looked that sharp was in September, versus Notre Dame.

Character. Inspiration. Motivation. It plays a HUGE role in college football and we all neglect it far too much. Does Oklahoma State jump on Baylor 34-3 after three quarters if the Bears are, say, 8-2? I highly doubt it. Character. Perseverance. Grit. The gulf between 12-0 and 11-1 is wider than you might want to believe.

Unless the Seminoles or Buckeyes lose on Saturday, this year’s “controversy” is completely manufactured.

3. Jacoby’s Ladder

The Steinbrenners are hoping that Ellsbury works out in the Bronx a little better than Kevin Youkilis did.

The New York Yankees just went out and spent $153 million on a dude who cannot pitch.

They went out and paid outfielder Jacoby Ellsbury,  30, about eight times what they paid Brett Gardner, who is about two weeks older than the former Boston Red Sox, to do last season. They will pay Ellsbury more than they paid Curtis Granderson who, yes is two years older and was injured much of last season, but who in the previous two season smacked a total of 84 home runs. Granderson is a free agent and he sure ain’t returning now.

Mostly, though, the original point. Offense fills seats, but pitching gets you to October. The Yankees finished 18th in team pitching last season. Ten of the top 15 pitching teams in baseball made the playoffs last season. Nobody outside the top 15 did.

Naturally, fans in Boston handled Ellsbury’s exodus well. Memo to Chad Finn: every professional athlete is a mercenary. So is every sports writer I’ve ever met.

As for Robinson Cano, does this mean the Yanks have forfeited their chance to re-sign him? Not to me. I think this was done to demonstrate to Robbie that they want to improve. Again, though, they are more in need of pitching.

4. Duck Dynasty

Baxter vs Cain? It won’t happen on any NCAA tracks.

Last month Mary Cain, the most celebrated high school phenom since Mary Decker (and worthy of the hype) announced that she was moving to Oregon for college…just that she was NOT going to be attending Oregon or running for the Ducks. No, Mary was turning pro and she’d most likely attend school in the Portland area (might we suggest the University of Portland, a fine Catholic institution?)

And while that announcement may have put Ducks coach Vin Lananna in the doldrums for a fartlek or two, he should soon be over it. Why? Because Sarah Baxter, who just won her fourth consecutive state cross-country individual championship in that tiny state known as California, has committed to attending college in Eugene. The Simi Valley High School senior wrapped up her fourth championship with a 16:42.7 on the 5-K course (three seconds off the course record she’d set one year earlier) in Fresno’s Woodward Park.

Baxter, the daughter of two California Highway Patrol officers, never lost a race in high school.

5. The Air Down There

This is just the role for Wesley Snipes to make his triumphant return. Don Cheadle, you say?

“All is Lost.”

“Captain Phillips.”

“Gravity.”

And now, Harrison Okene. The Nigerian tugboat sailor survived three days underwater when the tugboat on which he was the cook sunk. The other 11 crew members perished but Okene survived by finding an air pocket and fortunately, by being rescued before his oxygen supply ran out. This all happened last May, but the video only went viral this week.

 Reserves

Pickens’ fiancée is on your left…though you wouldn’t have been surprised if she was on your right.

Tycoon and Oklahoma State booster T. Boone Pickens is engaged to Toni Brinker, ex-wife of the founder of Steak & Ale. Godspeed, kids, and remember, most marital disputes are about money, so save accordingly. Pickens is a pretty easy character to like, if you’ve ever seen him on TV. A straight shooter.

*******

Jack in the Box Score

Grinnell’s Jack Taylor, our favorite player ever to eclipse 100 points in two different games, followed up his 138-point effort versus Crossroads last month by going 0-5 from the field and finishing with three points in an 88-79 defeat of Wartburg. The Pioneers are 5-0 and Taylor is averaging 45.8 points per game, which not surprisingly leads all players at all levels of college basketball.