STARTING FIVE

As Aaron (!) Torres tweeted, “The most remarkable comeback in Craft’s storied, 24-year college career.”

1. Craft Services

I call it the Bobby Hurley Award. It is an elusive encomium, one handed out (figuratively) to that senior whom announcers fall hopelessly in love with because he’s a coach on the court, and usually also happens to be white and not about to posterize anyone any time soon.

On Saturday evening Ohio State’s Aaron Craft secured the award for this season by leading the No. Buckeyes back on an improbable 14-3 run in the game’s final minute, from a 58-50 deficit with 0:58 remaining, to avoid an upset to unranked Notre Dame.

It would have been the Irish’s best win of the season –last year they knocked off eventual national champ Louisville in five overtimes in South Bend. Instead, it’s a soul-grinding choke, the type that makes Garrick Sherman feisty.

Also, old-timers can remember a day when the Irish were able to do this to opponents. You may not recall that when Notre Dame defeated UCLA in 1974, thus ending the Bruins’ record 88-game win streak, that the Irish went on a 12-0 run in the final 3:30 to win 71-70. And this was before 1) the shot-clock era and 2) the three-point arc.

John Shumate takes on Big Red. Was it only almost 40 years ago?

Still, Saturday evening in Madison Square Garden was a colossal choke by the Irish. And an Aaron Crafty-finish for the Buckeyes, who remain undefeated, one of nine such schools in Division I.

2. Mouthing Awful

“Happy Festivus TO YOU!”

What will you remember from Saturday’s Gilden New Mexico Bowl?

Will it be Washington State quarterback Connor Halliday’s six touchdown passes (to six different receivers), which tied an NCAA bowl record?

Will it be Colorado State’s epic comeback, from 15 points down with under three minutes remaining, to a game-winning field goal as time expired (the Rams scored 21 points total in the last minute of each half)?

Will it be the fact that two days later you still recall the Gilden New Mexico Bowl?
Or will it be this moment of holiday cheer, in which Ram defensive line coach Greg Lupfer appeared to call Halliday a “mucking maggot” directly to his face after Halliday’s first touchdown toss? Did Halliday say something to incite Lupfer? Even if he did, isn’t it Lupfer’s job, as the one person in this exchange earning a six-figure salary for college football activities, to be the adult here? Will this cost Lupfer his job? I doubt it–CSU won, after all. Who wants to harsh that buzz* with a Christmas week firing?

*Per state law, all items involving Colorado must now include a not-too-subtle reference to weed.

3. True Bromance

Wrappinville

Former SNL cast member Jimmy Fallon and superstar Justin Timberlake, who’d be the most talented member of the cast if he actually wanted the gig full-time, invaded 30 Rock last weekend and pretty much told the current cast members, “We got this. Step aside.”

Worth noting: SNL has more first-year players than John Calipari this season. Also, I love JT. R’ally, I do. And Fallon, minus his wonder twin, can be terrific. And especially here.

As a duo, though, they remind of those two boys you knew in junior high, one of whom was truly funny and charismatic and the other who was his best friend and rode his coat tails. Not that I attended a junior high where too many kids wore coats, much less coat tails.

Am I alone on this one? Did you get a sense that the rest of the cast was just like, Well, I guess the dudes who wrote “Deck in a Box” are just going to hijack the show and we’ll be over here if you need us? By the way, the best sketch of the night was “Twin Bed”, a musical tribute to returning home for the holidays with a significant other, where the distaff cast members got their chance to shine.

4. American Anchorman

“Do you have that Billy Joel cassette that I lent you?”

New York City is the place to be this Christmas season. That is, if you are a movie. Both “American Hustle” and “Anchorman 2” are set in Manhattan in the dying days of the 1970s –they’re “Argo” without Iran.

Neither of these is to be confused with “Inside Llewyn Davis”, which is set in New York City in the early 1960s, or “The Wolf of Wall Street”, which is set in New York City in the 1990s, or “The Secret Life of Walter Mitty”, which is set mostly in Manhattan in the digital age. Five New York-based movies and yet Woody Allen’s film contribution this year was set in San Francisco. What evs.

5. Peyton’s Place… in NFL History

Yeah, I’d say orange is the new black…

Peyton Manning threw four touchdown passes in yesterday’s win at Houston to bring his 2013 season total to 51 — both an NFL record and nearly, but not quite, double the number of brother Eli’s interceptions (26) thrown this season.

Manning, at age 37, breaks the record of 50 set by New England’s Tom Brady in 2007 when Brady was 30.

Something to think about: three of the top five Single Season Passing Touchdown marks in league history were achieved by men over the age of 30. None of the top 12 Single Season Rushing Yards marks in league history were achieved by men over 30. Which is to say, for everyone down on Mark Sanchez or Matt Stafford or RG3, give ’em time.

Reserves

Direct from the ‘Medium Happy Biblio Files”, a mention of the tome to your left, which Esquire puts on its “80 Books Every Man Should Read” list.

Quickly, the set-up is a group of eight Iraq War heroes are back stateside on a victory tour of sorts, and nearly the entire book takes place as they are feted as guests of the Dallas Cowboys on Thanksgiving Day.

My favorite moment: Inside the Cowboys pre-game locker room, and the members of Bravo company are each given a football so that they may circulate and collect autographs. Our hero meets a few Cowboy defensive backs, who seem a little too curious about the types of ammo soldiers are given and what it’s like to kill somebody with a gun.

Finally, the Cowboy DBs offer, as Specialist Lynn is departing, that “we ride wit yall a couple weeks, nobody even gonna know we there. We offerin’ to help, yalls sayin’ you doan need the help?”

Lynn tells them that they could use the help: just join the Army and they’ll be happy to send them to Iraq.

The players snort, mutter, cast pitying glances his way. F___ that. Shee-uh. Hell to the naw naw naw….”We got jobs,” Octavian Bishop impresses on him, “this here our job, how you think we gonna quit our job go join some nigga’s army? Fah like, wha, three years? Break our contract an’ all?” Hilarious. They’re laughing. Little squeals and snuffling yips escape their mouths. “Go on,” Octavian says, waving Billy away. “Go on now. Yo’ boy over there callin’ you.”

****

Horny

Hornacek, a former walk-on at Iowa State, is the NBA’s pre-Christmas Coach of the Year.

Do I dare disagree with Adrian Wojnarowski on any NBA-related opinion? I so dare. On Sunday morning Wojnaroski, the wizard (but not Washington version) of NBA reporting, tweeted, “Steve Clifford…is NBA Coach of the Year…and it isn’t even close.”

If Woj had just stopped before those last five words, well, his opinion might have been at least debatable. Clifford has done a wonderful job with the Charlotte Bob-Hornets, who are 13-15 and have the league’s second-stingiest defense behind Indiana, which has the league’s second-best record. However, Charlotte plays in the feckless Eastern Conference, against whom it has played 20 of its 28 games. They’re 2-6 out of conference and have ONE WIN against a team with a winning record.

The Phoenix Suns, however, under first-year coach Jeff Hornacek, are 16-10. Playing in the West. The Suns have seven wins against opponents with winning records, including two versus Portland, which has the league’s best record. Unlike Charlotte, the Suns actually finished last in their conference last season. And NOBODY, back in late October, had the Suns pegged for anything better than the Andrw Wiggins/Jabari Parker/Julian Randle lottery.

I was hardly the only person to tweet such an opinion to Woj, who then replied to all of us, “Jeff Hornacek has been great. Terry Stotts. Some tremendous work. Yet to win with Charlotte’s roster and losing culture is without peer.”

And this is where I might casually point out that Clifford is not in fact “winning” with Charlotte’s roster. The Hornet-Cats are 13-15. That’s a losing record. And while it is an improvement, it is not winning.

***

Portland Oregonian columnist John Canzano sends one final volley out at incoming Texas athletic director Steve Patterson.

***

Sacco and Vendetta

A publicist –and of all jobs, shouldn’t someone with this gig know better?– releases out an all-kinds-of-wrong tweet on a flight to South Africa and learns, upon landing, that she has been terminated. We’ll just wait to see Justine Sacco’s fabulous vacation photos from Robben Island.

This, by the way, is why you should own stock in Twitter. How many other tools have this type of global power? Oh, and if you had purchased TWTR on the day of its IPO, with its over-inflated stock price ($45), you’d still be up 33% this morning ($61), less than two months later.

REMOTE PATROL

Atlanta Falcons at San Francisco 49ers

ESPN 8:30 p.m.

Because Seattle will most likely not lose consecutive home games –having won 14 straight before yesterday’s defeat to Arizona–this is likely the 49ers’ final game at Candlestick Park. So if you see Dwight Clark today, buy him a beer to go with the 5,000 that have already been purchased for him. Clark, 56, will be on hand tonight and plans to revisit the very spot on which he made “The Catch.” Oh, and count on ESPN to provide self-aggrandizing footage of Chris Berman’s post-game report from that game from 1982.

Earlier today Notre Dame released its ACC-entric football schedules for the seasons 2014-2016. The three schools who will remain Fighting Irish perennials are Navy, Southern California and Stanford. We’ll be seeing a lot less of Midwest neighbors Michigan, Michigan State and Purdue.

Without further ado, and excluding all of the aforementioned schools from the conversation (because, of course, USC and Stanford would then be on the list, but they are known quantities), let’s rank the “Ten Most Anticipated Games” of the next three seasons of Notre Dame football. I apologize in advance: I’m not The Bleacher Report; this is not a slideshow.

10. November 22, 2014: Louisville at Notre Dame

Go pro, Teddy. Go pro.

Would this game alone be enough to persuade Teddy Bridgewater to remain for his senior season? Probably not, since Todd McShay projects the talented quarterback as the No. 1 overall pick in the 2014 NFL draft. I doubt Brian Kelly will miss him. The Cardinals and Irish have never met. Always fun, and fitting, for Notre Dame to have a virgin encounter with an opponent.

9. September 12, 2015: Notre Dame at Virginia

The Irish invade one of the loveliest campuses in America and a town that is home to both Howie Long and Dave Matthews (update: I hear DM has moved to Seattle). These two schools have only met once previously, in the 1989 Kickoff Classic at the Meadowlands. Also, I really dig Virginia’s helmets.

8. November 8, 2014: Notre Dame at Arizona State

Much respect.

Todd Graham has done an outstanding job in Tempe in two seasons, and last October’s meeting between these two was the most entertaining game of the Irish season. The two teams last met at Sun Devil Stadium in 1998, and ten years earlier on this same field is where the Irish last won a national championship.

7. October 29, 2016: Miami at Notre Dame

In which Yale transfer Pat Eilers scored the winning touchdown…

The greatest game in the history of college football (although I’m recalibrating my focus to assess this year’s Iron Bowl) was Miami at Notre Dame, October 15, 1988. Catholics versus Convicts. 31-30, Irish, and okay, maybe Cleveland Gary was down. The Hurricanes would visit two years later, when Rocket Ismail returned a kickoff for a touchdown, and the Irish won that one, too. That’s the last time Miami visited South Bend.

6. November 19, 2016: Virginia Tech at Notre Dame

The Irish and Hokies have never played.

Hokie coach Frank Beamer leads all active FBS coaches in both victories (224) and tenure (27 seasons in Blacksburg). Here’s hoping that Beamer, 59, remains on the sidelines through this date. It’s a solid bet that he will. This will be the first meeting between the two schools.

5. September 5, 2015: Texas at Notre Dame*

The Longhorns, currently the only school besides Michigan ahead of the Irish on the all-time wins list (875 to 873) visit South Bend, a town in which Jon Gruden spent part of his formative years. I’m just sayin’…The two schools have not played since 1996, when Irish quarterback Ron Powlus provided the late-game heroics in Austin with a fourth-down keeper on the option for a touchdown. I know. Ron Powlus and option keeper. I can’t fathom it, either, and I saw it live.

4. September 6, 2014: Michigan at Notre Dame

Marcus Hall spoke for a lot of Notre Dame fans here.

The final installment, for the foreseeable future, between two schools that really, really don’t like each other. And it goes back for more than a century. Michigan was Notre Dame’s opponent in its very first game on Thanksgiving Day, 1887. The Wolverines and the Irish are Nos. 1 and 3, respectively,  in all-time wins (910 and 873) and Nos. 1 and 2, respectively, in all-time win percentage (.733 and .732). The victor winner in this game could stand atop that list.

3. November 21, 2015: Notre Dame vs Boston College at Fenway Park

Bruce, and now the Irish, in the same decade at Fenway.

The Irish will play at both Yankee Stadium and Fenway Park within a 23-month span. Notre Dame has actually visited baseball’s cathedral before, a 54-0 demolition of Dartmouth in 1945.

2. October 18, 2014: Notre Dame at Florida State

This will be the Irish’s first true road game of next season, and it could be against a school that is the defending national champion and has the defending Heisman Trophy winner in Jameis Winston. The Irish last visited Tallahassee in 2002, Ty Willingham’s first season, and controlled the game against the Seminoles from the first snap (the following week, at 8-0, they inexplicably lost at home to Boston College…which happens more often than they’d like).

1. October 3, 2015: Notre Dame at Clemson

From Knute Rockne to Howard’s Rock…

The Fighting Irish last played at Death Valley in 1977, a 21-17 win during a national championship season. Current Clemson associate athletic director Tim Bourret was a Notre Dame student (or grad student, I forget) at the time and if you care a whit about the school’s history, you should know his name: Bourret was one of the co-founders of Bookstore Basketball. (His off-campus roommate: broadcaster Ted Robinson). Death Valley is one of the true shrines in college football, and 38 years is far too long between visits.

* The Irish visit Texas on September 3, 2016. I’m using one spot for both games, but you never need an excuse to visit Austin

 STARTING FIVE

What’s left for Kobe outside of chasing Jordan’s scoring mark?

1. Kobe’s Very Jeter 2013

Derek Jeter, 39: Fractures ankle during 2012 playoffs, spends entire offseason in arduous rehab and does not return until after the 2013 season has begun.

Kobe Bryant, 35: Ruptures Achilles tendon during 2013 playoffs, spends entire offseason in arduous rehab and does not return until after the 2013 season has begun.

Jeter: Reinjures himself in his very first game back and played a total of 17 games in the 2013 season before shutting it down.

Kobe: Suffers a stress fracture just five games into his return and will now miss a projected six weeks.

Jeter: His first season was 1996 and he was a unanimous choice for Rookie of the Year.

Kobe: His first season was 1996-97 and at the time he was the youngest player in NBA history to start a game. Won the NBA Slam Dunk Contest that season.

Jeter: Five championship rings and has played his entire career with the most iconic club in baseball, the New York Yankees.

Kobe: Five championship rings and has played his entire career with one of the two most iconic clubs in basketball, the Los Angeles Lakers.

Jeter: His favorite manager, Joe Torre, played for the New York Mets in the 1970s and is a Hall of Famer, but left a few seasons back.

Kobe: His favorite coach, Phil Jackson, played for the New York Knicks in the 1970s and is a Hall of Famer, but left a few seasons back.

Jeter: Shared the stage with a prima donna who thought HE was the alpha dog, or at least demanded to be treated that way, but rarely acted that way in the big games.

Kobe: Shared the stage last season with a prima donna who thought HE was the alpha dog, or at least demanded to be treated that way, but rarely acted that way in the big games.

Jeter: Has surpassed 3,000 hits (3,316) and is now in ninth place all-time (though some people STILL claim that he is overrated). Has a fair chance, if he can remain healthy, to climb into the top five.

Kobe: Has surpassed 30,000 points (31,700) and is now in fourth place all-time. Has a fair chance, if he can remain healthy, to pass Michael Jordan (32,292)and move into third place.

Jeter: Will never win another championship wearing that uniform.

Kobe: Will never win another championship wearing that uniform.

2. The Thayer Crisis: America Held Hostage, Day 101

If you were around in 1979, you distinctly recall the storming of the U.S. Embassy in Tehran and the Americans inside being taken hostage. And held hostage. Days turned into weeks turned into months turned into more than a year. At some point during the proceedings ABC put a young news anchor with an authoritative voice on the air each night after your local news to provide an update.

The anchor was named Ted Koppel and the show, which each night began by informing us what day the hostage crisis has now passed on to, would become “Nightline.” For the record, and only because it’s such an easy number to recall, I can tell you without Googling that the hostages were freed after 444 days –the Iranians waited until just minutes after Ronald Reagan had been inaugurated to liberate them, one final flipping of the bird to outgoing President Jimmy Carter.

Death to the Shah!

Well, yesterday, December 19, marked the 100th day since Sports Illustrated published, on its website, the first installment of its five-part series, “The Dirty Game.” And while one of its co-authors, Thayer Evans, made a brief public appearance afterward with SI’s Maggie Gray (I imagine this is what most of us would look like after an all-night bender with A.J. Daulerio, by the way), he has not been seen or heard from publicly since.

His most recent tweet? September 24.

His most recent story for SI? It was that one.

My memory is somewhat foggy, but in my days at the magazine the only senior writer that I can recall being permitted to go 100 days without a byline was Gary Smith.

So, having crossed into the triple-digit mark, it is time for us to be resolute in our vigil. Where is Thayer? SI assured the media back on September 13th that Thayer had not been fired, but that’s the last item that you will see that has been written about him. Even Ed Sherman, who wrote an excellent piece this morning on his website about the media year in review, neglected to mention Thayer.

“There is no Markinson.”

Book-cooker.

Has Thayer Evans gone Markinson? Or is Thayer Evans SI‘s own version of Jerry Dantana? Or is he working on yet another months-long investigation that none of us are privy to (and, truth be told, almost none of SI’s editors would be privy to, either) and we will see the fruits of his sleuthing in the new year?

Unless it’s the final option, isn’t it a little odd to employ a college football/basketball writer, pay him a six-figure salary, and never have him write during college football and basketball season? And isn’t it odd that this writer never even tweets any more, has virtually disappeared from the social media landscape? And has everyone else (outside of Stillwater)  just forgotten about him?

We pledge to never forget. America held hostage, Day 101. “Oh, tie a yellow ribbon/’round that old oak tree….”

3. Cheerio, John Oliver

John Jon

Last night Jon Stewart staged a one-night reprieve from skewering Fox News in order to open The Daily Show with a tribute to cheeky departing correspondent JoPhn Oliver. The wonderful Brit is headed to HBO to do a weekly news show which, granted, will mean a bigger pay day. However, I don’t think he’ll ever achieve the cultural relevance that he now has, where he may appear multiple nights per week.. It’s like Howard Stern moving to Sirius. You’re happy for him, but he’s no longer part of the daily conversation.

Steve Carell, Stephen Colbert and now Oliver. The Daily Show develops talent better than George Whitfield does.

4. Pop’s Opus

Big Pop >>> Big Papi? At least equal.

The San Antonio Spurs had back-to-backs this week, on the road, versus two young and frisky Western Conference foes: Phoenix and Golden State. On Wednesday night the Spurs took down the Suns in a close affair, 108-101, but that’s the advantage of having three future Hall of Famers in you lineup.

Last night, in a nationally televised game on TNT, coach Gregg Popovich chose to rest those three players: Tim Duncan, Tony Parker and Manu Ginobiliiiiiiiiiiiiii (Charles Barkley, understandably, was bummed). So of course a Spurs lineup with mostly second-stringers led throughout almost all of the second half and made the key plays in the final minute to defeat the Warriors, 104-102.

Two games, two wins, and a complete testament to the fact that Gregg Popovich is the best coach in professional sports today. Easily.

5. “His Boy, Leroy!”

As someone said on Twitter, “Astro is rolling over in his grave.”

These four minutes illustrate why “Inside the NBA” is by far the best studio show in sports. It only took two minutes after Sir Charles committed the best malaprop in memory (“Leroy Jetson”), and certainly an unscripted one, for the producers to cue the theme music to “The Jetsons” and conjure a black-faced Elroy Jetson. And watch Shaq as he loses it. Also, fifteen minutes after Chuck’s verbal infraction, “Leroy Jetson” was trending on Twitter.

5. Compulsory Figure

Really?

Former Olympic figure skater Brian Boitano, the gold medalist in Calgary, declares, for the record, that he’s gay. Sports Illustrated senior writer Austin Murphy tweets, “Brian Boitano is out! #KnockMeOverWithAFeather

Again, Brian Boitano: Gay. Marcia Gay Harden: Not gay.

In no way should Boitano’s declaration affect the reverence that Stan, Kyle and Cartman feel for him.

STARTING FIVE

Rian Pearson leads unbeaten Toledo in scoring, but all five starters average 10-plus ppg.

1. Not Those Rockets

Not that it really matters, what with 256 schools qualifying for the NCAA tournament (What? Only 68? Oh, whatever…) but with last night’s loss by UConn there are now a dozen unbeatens remeinaing. They are: UMass, Syracuse, Villanova, Iowa State, Wisconsin, Ohio State, Toledo, Wichita State, Arizona, Oregon, Missouri (“S-E-C!”) and St. Mary’s.

Ten of the schools are ranked, with Arizona No. 1 in both polls. Unranked? Toledo (10-0) and St. Mary’s (8-0). The Rockets, in fact, did not even receive a single vote in USA Today/Coaches Poll. Not one.

And while Toledo, which next plays on Saturday versus Cleveland State, has yet to play a ranked opponent, here’s why I think they’re not a fluke: All five starters average between 17 and 10 points per game. All of them. That’s a T-E-A-M, particularly when you consider that Toledo is in the top 10 in the nation in scoring (87.9 ppg). I haven’t seen the Rockets play yet, but I bet they’re fun to watch.

A Top 25 school? Don’t know about that. But the Rockets last were part of March Madness in 1980. So, Top 68? Yeah, at least thus far.

2. The Walter White Shadow

“Why you watching ‘Duck Dynasty’, bitch?”

As news spread that a real-life Walter White was sentenced to 12 years in prison for dealing meth out of his Billings, Mont., home, the critics at Hit Fix named “Breaking Bad” as the Best Show of 2013. Not that big of a surprise. Their Top 10: “Breaking Bad”, “Orange Is The New Black”, “Game of Thrones”, “The Good Wife”, “Masters of Sex”, “Mad Men”, “The Americans”, “House of Cards”, “Broadchurch”, “Top of the Lake”.

And how many of those programs were rated among the TOP 25 most-watched TV shows of the season that ended in June? None of them. Zero. Zip. Nada.

Meanwhile, everyone’s favorite Tonto-turned-snitch-turned-Gimp, Aaron Paul, provided an assist (you can skip forward to the 4:45 mark for Paul’s contribution) with a wedding proposal this week.

3. Hinson Backlash Frontlash

Joanna Krupa has no problem with Barry Hinson’s rant (Did you really want to see a photo of Hinson here? No, you didn’t).

ESPN turned its attention away from LeBron James and the Washington Redskins yesterday long enough to scold a heretofore anonymous coach from the Missouri Valley Conference for unleashing a post-game “rant” after his Southern Illinois team fell to 2-8. Were some of Barry Hinson’s remarks questionable (“I’ve been telling my wife for years that sixze doesn’t matter”)? Sure.

Did Hinson ever once use profanity? No. Was the worst thing he did, perhaps, calling out the performance of a Saluki player who stunk up the court “awful?” Yeah, probably.

What was obscene, though, was how so many on-air personalities in Bristol looked haughtily down from their thrones in Bristol, at a coach and a program that they would never, ever pay attention to, to admonish him for his behavior. Does ESPN have the right, perhaps even the duty, to cover Hinson’s remarks? Sure. Did ESPN have the right to turn this into torture porn, a lame excuse to run out every “rant” of the past quarter-century (Why, hello there, Mike Gundy!) because it’s easier than actually discussing the incident in context?

I’m with CBS’ Doug Gottlieb, who tweeted, “Does anybody actually have a problem with Barry Hinson’s rant?”

Granted, there are a few things he might’ve reconsidered saying. But for me, at least, ESPN’s producers embarrassed themselves more yesterday with the coverage of “the rant” than Hinson did. Lots of noise, zero perspective.

It’s funny. With all the rants ESPN chose to use for its “rant montage”, that this rant was somehow excluded. Why is that?

4. Broadcast Snooze

I’ll just enjoy the Buick ads, thank you.

That was the headline the New York Post gave its review of Anchorman 2. Even in the previews, Steve Carell’s Brick Tamland seems to think that LOUDER IS FUNNIER! It’s not. The better film involving an SNL alumnus that’s out right now is Nebraska, with Will Forte. Trust me on this one.

5. Casino Arizona: Doubling Down on Awesome

Casino Arizona: Three lemons!

My friend Tim Ring at KTVK-TV 3 sent out this tweet last night: “Please @CasinoArizona , on behalf of Suns fans everywhere – for the love of all that is holy MAKE. A. NEW. COMMERCIAL. #icanttakeitanymore“

When I was back in the ancestral homeland of Phoenix recently, this commercial ran incessantly. It was as much a part of my landscape as Four Peaks, the McDowell Mountains and the South Mountain range.  You must watch. It feels as if Casino Arizona, which is about a five-minute ride from Sun Devil Stadium, rounded up the two dozen gamblers who are most in its debt and agreed to forgive their debts if they just appeared in this ad.

Reserves

Why a Wing Suit should be atop your Christmas wish list. And after you receive one, you can look forward to your death being chronicled here in a “Summer of Stupid” (or Winter, or Autumn…) item.

***

Bernanke anagram: Banker en. Okay, I don’t know what to do with those last two letters.

Punxatawney Ben appeared yesterday and saw his shadow, which means that while we will still have quantitative easing, the taper has begun. Basically, Fed chairman Ben Bernanke announced that instead of purchasing $85 BILLION per month in U.S. Bonds and treasuries (and where does the government get that money? It simply prints more! Genius!!!!), it will reduce its purchases to $75 billion per month in January. Dad didn’t take the training wheels off the bicycle completely, he just replaced them with smaller training wheels. And for that reason the stock market spiked late yesterday afternoon. It was basically Uncle Ben, in his final address as Fed Chairman, assuring us that, while we still suffer from a sex addiction, we’re no longer addicted to Japanese gay midget porn. So that’s a step in the right direction.

***

Somehow a New York Knick not named Carmelo Anthony or J.R. Smith took the team’s stupidest shot of the night, if not the season.

***
“Ira Curry, come on down!” Stone Mountain, Ga., woman is one of two confirmed winners of this week’s Mega Millions. Cue the unexpected unhappily-ever-after future.

REMOTE PATROL

UCLA vs. No. 8 Duke

ESPN 7:30 p.m.

So, former UCLA coach John Wooden won more NCAA championships than anyone, while current Duke coach Mike (checks spelling for the millionth time) Krzyzewski has won more NCAA games than anyone. The current UCLA coach is Steve Alford, who while at Indiana played for Bob Knight, who was also Coach K’s college coach. I imagine this will all be noted at some point.

STARTING FIVE

Did Sam Bowie ever score 36 points in one game? I’m going to guess no.

1. Lillard Fair

Damian Lillard: scores 36 points, including the game-winning three-pointer, in a 119-116 at Cleveland.

Matthew Lillard: cracks open a beer and waits for agent to phone telling him that Scream 5 is a go.

This was Lillard’s second game-winning bucket in as many contests, both on the road, as he also drained a fallaway runner in overtime at Detroit on Sunday night.

The Men Who Blaze Trails are now an NBA-best 22-4 and it may be time to finally doff the cap at Portland’s draft night decision-making. The franchise that famously selected Sam Bowie over Michael Jordan with the No. 2 pick in the 1984 NBA draft (the Rockets, with the No. 1 pick, chose Hakeem Olajuwon; hard to fault them for that) and Greg Oden ahead of Kevin Durant with the first overall pick in 2007 scored big when it chose Lillard as the 6th pick in 2012. The Weber State product was the NBA’s Rookie of the Year last season and is averaging 20 ppg this season in a complementary scoring role to LeMarcus Aldridge (last night Lillard connected on eight three-pointers).

(By the way, how solid was the 1984 NBA draft? Olajuwon goes No. 1, Jordan 3, Charles Barkley 5 and John Stockton 16.

2. Look Who Won the $636 Million Lottery!

Shut up, MacGruber!

That’s Bruce Dern and Will Forte in Nebraska, a film about a delusional old man who believes that he holds a winning lottery ticket. So, in other words, we are all of us Bruce Dern. Which means that Laura Dern is coming over for Christmas dinner, so you’d better tidy up.

Apparently, two winning tickets were purchased, in Georgia and in San Jose. Meh.

Actually, how cool would it be if Bruce Dern himself won the lottery? That would make it Meta Millions.

Personally, I was amused when I strolled into my local bodega last night and saw five people ahead of me waiting in line to buy Mega Millions tickets. My first thought was, I have a 16.6% chance of winning the Mega Millions just among the people in this store right now, and that’s assuming that we all are buying the same number of tickets. Oh, sure, I still bought five, but there’s a reason people refer to the lottery as “poverty tax.”

3. Where Have You Gone, Norman Dale?

Hoosiers: It’s ‘Saving Private Ryan” with a few less fatalities.

“My wife…MY WIFE could score more than two buckets on eleven shots, because I know my wife will at least shot-fake one time…”

That’s Southern Illinois coach Barry Hinson ranting after his Salukis lost last night to fall to 2-8, and of course every one will run with this video, and then they’ll link it to former Coastal Carolina coach David Bennett’s “Be A Dog” rant, and everyone will giggle.

Fine.

But these coaches are just saying what so many of their peers are thinking: What ever happened to coachable players? Now, sure, there are the Mike Rices of the world (remember him? Rutgers?) who are absolute martinets, tyrants.

Listen to when Hinson says, “This is the big time…people lose their jobs.”

Exactly. In order to compete you need talent. The trick is to develop an atmosphere where talent works in the best interests of the team and where it actually respects-and yes, often fears–the coaching staff. I think that’s why Geno Auriemma prefers coaching women; and I think that’s why Mike Woodson is so miserable these days.

4. U Conn Touch This

The pride of Montella, Italy.

Last night No. 1 Connecticut (10-0) visited No. 2 Duke (10-0) at Cameron Indoor, and it wasn’t even close. The Huskies led by 15 at the half and cruised to an 81-63 victory. You have to hand it to Auriemma: last season he knew he didn’t have the most talent in the Final Four and still the Huskies won the national championship, this in a season when Baylor had Brittany Griner and Notre Dame, whom UConn defeated in the national semifinal, had Skylar Diggins.

That tied Geno with Pat Summitt, his longtime hardwood nemesis since retired, with eight.
He’s gunning for nine now and unless at least two of the Huskies’ starters are injured, I don’t see this team losing a game. They face Louisville, the team they defeated by 33 in last April’s national championship game, twice. That’s the closest I can see them coming to losing. This would be Auriemma’s fifth undefeated season, by the way.

Sophomore Breanna Stewart led the Huskies in both points and rebounds last night, with 24 and 11, respectively.

I spent a season embedded with Geno and the Huskies (2000-01). He’s not an easy man to play for. I try to imagine 18-, 19-year old young women dealing with that scrutiny every day. But I know this: playing for Geno forges their character, and also, that no one can go from George Patton to Don Rickles quicker than he can. He’s a master.

5. “Oh, Give ME a Home…”

Buffalo 66 was a movie. Buffalo 60 is the limit that Refuge officials intend to set.

They’re making cuts among the Colorado Buffaloes, and I’m not talking about the football team. There are 87 head of bison at the Rocky Mountain Wildlife Refuge in Commerce City, Colo., and officials have determined that, in order to prevent over-grazing, they’ll have to cut 27 head (can’t they just put them on food stamps?). Perhaps, literally.

Seriously, I don’t get this, but I’ll confess that I prefer animals to most people. Have you traveled in Montana, Wyoming or the Dakotas? You could set 1,000 bison free up there and no one would ever see them. Can we not rescue these 27 bison before they become someone’s delicious stew? Would it kill CU to have multiple Ralphies? Could we film a sequel to Dancing with Wolves (Dancing With Wolves 2: Prairie Boogaloo) that would get these animals some work? How about a zoo? Doesn’t anyone have room in their backyard?

That’s my Buffalo Stance, Neneh Cherry.

Reserves

Holly Anderson provides a college football dictionary on Grantland that is up to date. It’s nice to see an updated 2013 dictionary that does not contain the word “selfie.”

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Torah! Torah! Torah!

The Games at Sochi will not leave you snow-bored.

That’s Torah Bright, Aussie snowboarder, and reigning Olympic gold medalist in the Women’s half-pipe. Like most Winter Olympians…who don’t form their own bands and play a set at Lollapalooza… Bright vanished from view after Vancouver in 2010. But Outside Magazine has found the 26 year-old New South Wales native in time for a pictorial. Because, of course, she’s the reigning gold medalist in a cool sport.

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Christmas Jammies. Finally, a modern family that I can enjoy.

Sure, the Holderness family’s diabolical plan is working brilliantly by my posting this, but Christmas Jammies is a wonderfully creative video. A little TMI there at the end, Penn, with the news of your vasectomy, but even that was handled well.

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Billy Baker’s Twitter feed is the best Christmas story we’ve read this season.

Remote Patrol

Shaun of the Dead

Cinemax 6:30 p.m.

Did this film jump-start the zombie craze?

I  know, I know. Pacers at Heat. But LeBron may not play and you are going to be so OVER this story-line by April. Why not watch the best zombie comedy ever filmed? It’s Simon Pegg’s breakout role, although you may argue that he still has not truly broken out. This 2004 film is definitely worth watching, and it’ll put you in the mood for Christmas?