• STARTING FIVE

Maximilian Schell won Best Actor for this role in 1961, then was cryogenically frozen and returned as Michael in Thirtysomething.

1. Judgment at Nurembergahassee

Switched over to Turner Classic Movies last night, because there’s only so much MACtion one man can digest. Anyway, just as ESPN’s Mark Schlabach was reporting that Jameis Winston’s DNA was identical to that which was found on the complainant’s undergarment, Herr Rolfe (above) and others were arguing that justice, in this case punishing judges who sentenced innocent people to death in Nazi Germany, needed to take a back seat to an alliance between post-war Germany and the U.S.A. to deter the Communists from running amok in Western Europe.

Timely scene. Is Florida State’s superb quarterback innocent or guilty? Who knows? Are the people who are already taking sides in this case emoting in the name of justice or for the greater glory of the garnet and gold?

By the way, Schell kills it –KILLS IT — in this scene and, immediately preceding that,  in this scene. Master Thespian: “ACTING! Thank you.” (Oh, and yes, that’s Dorothy from “The Wizard of Oz” in the witness seat).

2. A-Rod Goes All In

Earlier this month at the final table of The World Series of Poker, on the final night, Jay Farber was trailing Ryan Riess and opted for a major bluff. Farber won the hand even though he went nearly all in with a 6-5, while Riess actually had the better hand (paires 7s). I was reminded of that moment yesterday when Alex Rodriguez stormed out of his MLB arbitration hearing and then proceeded directly to Mike Francesa’s radio booth, where he stated unequivocally and for the record that 1) he never used PEDs and 2) he never obstructed MLB’s investigation into Biogenesis.

Wow. Even Rob Ford was like, “Whoa, Alex, really?”

Anyway, we’ll see. Is A-Rod the most misunderstood and unfairly maligned superstar of our era, or did he just push in all his chips because what else does he have to lose? Worth noting: Farber won that hand, but Riess won the WSOP.

3. Camelot is a Long, Long Way from Carmelot

Superstar talent? Yes. Leader and good teammate? No. You’ve heard that before? Yes, because it’s true.

“Okay, Alex, now I’ll take ‘Pampered and Pretentious NYC Superstars for $400.'”

Moving directly from A-Rod to Carmelo Anthony is like going from vanilla to off-white. The New York Knicks lost again last night, at home to the Indiana Pacers. No shame in losing to the Pacers, who are now 10-1, but this is a team that doesn’t like one another and is less deft with chemistry than Todd from “Breaking Bad.”

The Knickerbockers have the league’s highest payroll and its third-worst record (tied with the KevinGar Nets at 3-8, in fact). They’ve lost six in a row at the Garden. Isn’t it unfair to pin it all on Anthony, who after all is NYK’s leading scorer AND rebounder? Isn’t it?

No.

Because Carmelo is and always has been a joy-suck. He’s the dude at your rec league gym who wants his shots and only passes to  you when he’s triple-teamed and even then there’s a snarl on his face when he does so. Sure, he’s the best player on the court most of the time. But you don’t enjoy playing with that guy.

4. Me, My Selfie and I

Just thank me for not re-posting the Geraldo Rivera pic.

Yes, “selfie” has been designate as the “Word of the Year” by the Oxford Dictionary. As long as it isn’t “twerking” or “schmedium”, I’m cool with that.

5. “I Read the News Today, Oh Boy…”

Worth the 66 seconds you’ll give it. A photo essay of people reacting to the news that President Kennedy had been assassinated.

REMOTE PATROL

Rutgers at Central Florida

ESPN 8 p.m.

“A pivotal American Athletic Conference blather blather blather…” In honor of the Scarlet Knights versus the Golden Knights –and homonyms –my favorite night songs: “Night Moves”, “Remember the Nights”, “Dance the Night Away”, “Let’s Spend the Night Together”, “Spirit in the Night” and “Knights in White Satin”, which would be a cool uniform move for either of these teams to try in tribute to the Moody Blues.

The story filed by ESPN.com’s Mark Schlabach late Wednesday evening casts the Jameis Winston alleged sexual assault situation in an entirely new light. As Schlabach writes in his report, the chances of the DNA found in the complainants’ underwear belonging to someone other than Jameis Winston are one in 2.2 trillion. Just a reminder that there are approximately 7 billion people on earth, which is about one/270th of 2.2 trillion. In other words, it’s his. So what does that mean?

— It is not at all unreasonable to presume that Winston and the complainant were in sexual contact on the date in question, December 7, 2012. While that may not be a 100% certainty, it is in no way outlandish to presume that. This may seem overtly self-evident, but it’s important to note the wiggle room between beyond a reasonable doubt and 100% sure in terms of this new revelation and the probability of a sexual act.

The past few days have wiped the smile off the heretofore irrepressible FSU quarterback’s face.

— The next step for Winston, if his attorney, Tim Jansen, consents that he speak with investigators is to tell them that this was consensual sex. The next step for investigators is to attempt to speak with Winston and also with his roommate, whom I presume was also a freshman football player. The complainant alleges that he witnessed the attack.

–As state attorney for the 2nd Judicial Court William Meggs told Schlabach, “There are two kinds of evidence,  testimonial and physical.” They’ve got the physical evidence they need to make this a case worth pursuing further. Testimonial evidence, i.e. the interview with Winston’s roommate, will provide the next piece to the puzzle.

–As comedian Louis C.K. would say, “Of course, OF COURSE….” justice is the paramount value here. Justice for both Winston and for the accuser. Of course. What that is, at the moment, is too soon to know. What I do know is that Seminole fans who want to question the timing of newspapers seeking police reports for an “open and inactive” case nearly a year after the alleged crime occurred are now, by dint of that new piece of evidence, missing the point entirely.

–Again, Seminole fans will be quick to point out that the complainant originally identified her alleged assailant as being five-foot-ten or thereabouts. Winston is six-foot-four. And again, the DNA evidence trumps her poor sense of evaluating height. It trumps her eyewitness description. It’s there. On the underwear. That trumps everything.

–Whatever agenda anyone may believe the complainant and her family have, or the Tampa Bay Times has, or even Detective Scott Angulo and the Tallahassee Police Dept. may have, is entirely irrelevant. Entirely. There is DNA matching Winston’s on the woman’s underwear, underwear that was turned over to investigators within 24 hours of the alleged incident. That fact trumps perceived agendas.

–It’s too soon, at least for me, to scapegoat Angulo and the TPD. There’s a very good chance that a compassionate detective might have advised the complainant and her attorney what pursuing such charges going forward might involve. You can portray his words as a threat, as the complainant’s attorney and today’s stories have, or you can portray them as avuncular advice. I don’t know–yet. I’m willing to give Angulo and the TPD the benefit of the doubt for now.

–Winston met with football media on Wednesday who were told that questions about the case were off-limits (if only T.J. Simers attended Florida State pressers). This, of course, was before news of the DNA evidence had leaked. A subdued but sincere Winston told reporters, “I don’t want to lose any (Heisman) voters.”

–But now Winston likely has lost them, at least lost enough of them to lose this race (again, I return to Louis C.K., “Of course, OF COURSE that is not what is paramount here…”). Unless a new piece of information comes out in the coming days -and it certainly could –that leads us to question the character or the emotional stability of the complainant, or if some revelatory information about her or about their relationship comes to light, most Heisman voters will back off. Remember, Manti Te’o finished second in the Heisman voting last December and THEN we all found out about Lennay Kekua and voters expressed remorse about having put the Notre Dame linebacker on their ballots. Te’o’s darkest crime was pulling a “Lars and the Real Girl” on the college football cognoscenti. This would be far worse, if true.

–From reading Schlabach’s piece and from watching SportsCenter, it sounds as if a judgment as to whether to arrest Winston and charge him with a felony or to dismiss the charges would probably happen within a week or two. Before the Florida game on November 30? Perhaps not. Before the ACC Championship Game the following Saturday? Probably.

–I spoke with Brett McMurphy, also of ESPN.com, for my podcast, The Grotto, earlier on Wednesday. Again, before the DNA news. Still, Brett broached a salient point (“Of course, OF COURSE…!”) and that is this: in 2013, the final year of the BCS, the top two teams in the BCS Standings advance to the BCS Championship Game. With or without the redshirt freshman quarterback from Bessemer, Ala. the Seminoles would be headed to Pasadena if they finish No. 1 or No. 2 in the BCS Standings, which they most certainly will if they win out…which they most certainly will do.

HOWEVER, next year a human panel will decide which four teams advance. And this is where a committee could decide, if Winston were to be suspended from the team indefinitely, that a Seminole team without a true quarterback is no longer one of the four best teams in the country. Kind of how Cincinnati went from No. 1 in the nation to an NCAA tourney No. 2 seed once the Bearcats lost their star, Kenyon Martin. Interesting wrinkle, and just something to consider.

–Finally, the Winston story is just one more example of what a long and bizarre journey just a single college football season can be. Back on Labor Day weekend the only two players on everyone’s lips were Johnny Manziel and Jadeveon Clowney. Then Winston, who to be fair was well-known as a prodigy, was brilliant in his college debut in prime-time at Pittsburgh. Not only was he a superior athlete and a precocious quarterback, but his charisma was immediately apparent. And that poise was only magnified after the Clemson beat down. Talking to the ESPN crew afterward, Winston was humble, passionate, engaged and joyful. Impossible not to like.

And he very well may be that same person. Or he may be that same person who committed an ugly crime. Time will tell. But this affair is not about to subside any time soon. This isn’t about signing helmets and footballs in a hotel room in Connecticut. This is a felony. Buckle up, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

STARTING FIVE

Ronaldo demands a recount of People magazines’s “Sexiest Man Alive” ballots.

1. Samba! Samba! Samba!

He could be SI‘s “Sportsman of the Year.” He should be People’s “Sexiest Man Alive” (no offense, Adam; I like the “Payphone” song).

Cristiano Ronaldo.

Last night in Stockholm the Portuguese striker scored a hat trick, the 26th of his magnificent career, to advance Portugal into the 2014 World Cup with a victory against Sweden. All three of Ronaldo’s goals came via his feet, which is somewhat unusual since he is renowned for his headers. All three of the goals were also marvelous feats, the type that the ordinary pro is incapable of scoring, at least with any consistency.

In the two-match series, the Real Madrid superstar scored all four of his country’s goals (by contrast, his superstar Real Madrid teammate, Gareth Bale, will not play in the WC since he is a native of Wales, which did not advance.)

Watch the video here and tell me that you don’t want to listen next summer’s World Cup broadcast entirely in Portuguese.

2. Time To Retire?

The Peter Pan of hoops may finally step aside, just as Kobe gets set to return.

Laker point guard Steve Nash, who has battled lower back problems for at least a half-decade, is contemplating a mid-season retirement, according to Peter Vecsey. Here’s hoping he does.

The Santa Clara alum, who turns 40 in February, is the NBA’s oldest active player. The two-time NBA MVP’s skills have markedly diminished since he headed west on Interstate 10 from the Valley of the Sun to the Valley of the Dolls. Last season Nash averaged just 6.7 assist per game, far below his career average of 8.8 He’s currently No. 4 on the all-time list and needs just 56 assists to tie Mark Jackson at No. 3 (John Stockton and Nash’s former teammate, Jason Kidd, if you were wondering).

How many two-time NBA MVPs have fallen short of capturing an NBA championship? Only two, Nash and Karl Malone. Which, of course, makes Nash the only two-time league MVP to never appear in the NBA Finals.

The Mailman also won two league MVPs and also ended his career, ring-less, with the Lakers.

For those who consider the Canadian native (who was born in South Africa) unworthy of two MVP trophies, consider that in league history, only 10 times has a player achieved a season-long 50-40-90. That is, shooting 50% from the field, 40% from beyond the three-point line, and 90% from the free throw line. It has only been done 10 times.

Kevin Durant did it last season.

Larry Bird did it twice.

Steve Nash has done if FOUR times. Four.

Besides, Nash dreamt up and directed this video.

3. On Grinnell

David Arsenault, Sr….

Gregg Doyel of CBSSports.com wrote this “takedown”, as the kids call it, of Grinnell coach David Arsenault (and David Arsenault, Sr., I presume). Gregg was unaware that he was speaking to Arsenault’s son –same name, and now he basically coaches the team –and not the architect of the system, as well as the author of “The System”, while he was conducting the interview (hence the Editor’s Note in this later edition).

I’m somewhat amused by the reaction this article has received on Twitter (almost universally in favor of Doyel, and by media members I greatly respect, one of whom is Gregg). Maybe I’m wrong. I’ll be the first to admit that having met and spent 24 hours with both Arsenault men that I came away a huge admirer. Perhaps I am biased. As someone who has coached girls high school hoops, I love that he found an innovative way to legally manipulate the game.

…and David Arsenault, Jr. (It helps to know who you’re talking to before you assassinate their character in print)

Here’s the thing. Go Mad Libs on that story. For every place you see “Grinnell” replace the name with either “Florida State” or “Alabama”. Everywhere you see Arsenault, replace it with “Fisher” or “Saban.” Everywhere you see “Crossroads”, replace that with either “Idaho” or “Chattanooga.”

Same story, no?

Oh, but Grinnell blasphemed the game of basketball by intentionally trying to get one of its players as many points as possible. There are 406 teams in Division III. Most schools outside of Grinnell’s conference refuse to play Grinnell, schools that are competitive with the Pioneers (and even better) because to play Grinnell means that you must prepare your team for an entirely different type of game and who wants that headache? It’s the same reason that most FBS schools are loathe to schedule Navy (and why Notre Dame would probably end the series if it wouldn’t bring so much negative attention; I imagine Gregg would have something to say about that, too).

Grinnell is kind of like a Boise State of D-3 hoops. Definitely not as successful, but take a look at how well Arsenault’s predecessors did at the tiny Iowa school. I’m sure the administration isn’t complaining.

As for the insinuation that Arsenault is using the hype to sell his book…I’m sure that, like any author, Arsenault, Sr., would love for as many people to buy his book as possible. But I’m also sure –and as Gregg NEVER actually talked to the man whom he attacked in print (speaking to his son, instead) — that Arsenault believes in the style of play that he has created and wants to be an evangelist for it. If Gregg were to look more closely he’d see that Grinnell targets different types of records in a game pretty much every year. One year a player (the one Gregg actually spoke to, David Arsneault, Jr.) set a record for most assists in a game. Another year every single player on the roster, somewhere north of 15, hit at least one three-pointer in a game.

Again, I’m amused. In a week when the two most dominant football teams in the nation are playing de-fanged bunnies in their own backyard (because those leviathan powers invited said bunnies in return for a paycheck), the media is going to get righteously indignant about a school of 1,700 in BFE, Iowa, doing the same thing. Except doing it better.

And as for being mercenary about the book, how many times yesterday did Mr. Doyel tweet about this column (at least twice) or about his radio appearance? Those tweets are designed to generate clicks, which go a long way toward Gregg’s job security.

A few of Grinnell’s other records that Gregg neglected to mention:

Highest Points Per Game Average In One Season:

Steve Diekmann, 37.3 PPG  in 1995

Most Three Point Fields Goals in One Season:

Jeff Clement, 186 in 1998

Most Assists in One Game:

David Arsenault, 34 in 2007

Grinnell should be ashamed of itself.

(Oh, and I wrote this commentary pro bono, without anyone lobbying me or paying me to do so, in case any college hoops media out there are wondering. I make my real money on retainer from Dan Snyder, who pays me to convince people that the sky is green)

4. Toughest Mudders

Tough Mudder: Not as fun as it looks.

A Canadian, Ryan Atkins, won last weekend’s 24-hour World’s Toughest Mudder in Englishtown, N.J. You can read his blog entry about his experience here. On the distaff side, 44 year-old HIV-positive Deanna Blegg of Australia was the top female finisher and placed 5th overall. Here’s an interview with Blegg about the many obstacles that she continues to overcome.

5. Elon Musk is NOT Happy

Elon Musk: He’s smarter than we are.

In the past year Elon Musk’s Tesla Model S electric car has received the HIGHEST safety ratings that both Consumer Reports and the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) have ever bestowed on a vehicle.

The highest. Ev-ah.

And then two Tesla S cars catch fire (one, curiously, with a camera recording the entire incident). Nobody dies. But the stock plunges from $192 per share to its current price of about $125. (Full disclosure: I do NOT own stock in Tesla. I used to, but no longer do. So, yes, I’m part of the problem, Elon.)

According to the NHTSA, there are 152,000 vehicle fires on average involving internal combustion engines. Tesla, so far? Two. Not two thousand. Two.

Just imagine that you are an investor who notices that TSLA stock has shot up nearly 500% this year. Do you know how much money you could make by purchasing a Tesla ($61,000), then shorting TSLA stock, then starting and filming a vehicle fire involving a Tesla, and then tweeting about it? Did that happen? I don’t know. But it’s an easy way to make a lot of money.

You can read Musk’s irritation in this wonderfully sardonic comment about the safety of his vehicle: “”It is literally impossible for another car to have a better safety track record, as it would have to possess mystical powers of healing.”

Kudos to Rocco Pendola of “The Street”, who took both himself and other financial media to task for their about-face on Musk in recent months. The ol’ prop-em-up, tear-em-down two-step.

Reserves

Interesting story here by Mike Hlas on the Notre Dame-Iowa game that was canceled on November 23, 1963 for obvious reasons. The Irish did meet Syracuse at Yankee Stadium the following weekend and got their tails kicked, the exclamation mark on a woeful 2-8 season (curiously, their only victories came against USC and UCLA on consecutive Saturdays) that augured the era of Ara.

Dallas at Cleveland, November 24, 1963.

The NFL did play that weekend. The Dallas Cowboys, for Chrissake, played that weekend. I imagine Twitter might have had a word or two of opinion about that.

***

I imagine you’ve seen this, but Zombie is the new Black.

***

Regarding yesterday’s Twitter feud, I recall my old colleague and good friend at the time, Albert Kim, relating a story about how Richard Marx once defended himself in print to Entertainment Weekly by writing the magazine a letter and correcting them by stating, “I have only written TWO over-the-top power ballads.”

(I may not have the quote verbatim, but I think you get the point).

Which is to say, I won’t bother to defend myself. I’ll let the work I do here, that I do without payment but rather because writers write, be my argument.

Remote Patrol

No. 16 Northern Illinois at Toledo

ESPN2 8 p.m.

Lights. Camera. MACtion! The Huskies are 10-0, Jordan Lynch is a Heisman Trophy outlier, and every one-loss team in an AQ conference is rooting for the Rockets (don’t bother: Fresno State’s not going to lose). I like Toledo in this one. The Rockets’ three losses were at Florida, Missouri and by a TD at Ball State. They’ve taken down Navy and last week, at home, a fantastic Buffalo team.

STARTING FIVE

Winston-Salem QB Rudy Johnson discusses his assault yesterday.

1. Shame

A Friday luncheon on the eve of the Central Intercollegiate Athletic Association (CIAA) championship game between Virginia State (9-1) and Winston-Salem State (9-1). All that is known for sure is that WSSU quarterback Rudy Johnson went to use the men’s room and emerged later with a black eye and abrasions. Johnson claims that he was sucker-punched as he was washing his hands by a Virginia State player and that after he fell to the floor as many as four or five VSU players kicked him before two teammates emerged from the stalls (I don’t even want to think about that) and chased them off.

One Virginia State player, running back Lamont Daniel Britt, has been charged with misdemeanor assault.

The game was canceled. The CIAA is the nation’s oldest historically African-American conference, having been started in 1912.

We’ve had college football games this season canceled due to flooding and player boycotts, but assault? That’s a first.

Winston-Salem is the alma mater of Screamin’ A. Smith, so of course he weighed in.

More disturbing? The fact that VSU coach Latrell Scott said that “we had one young man who made a bad decision, as young men sometimes do” and that a few parents of VSU players actually appeared more upset that the game was canceled than that a few players committed an assault.

Here’s Johnson’s version of how the incident transpired. Was there more to it? We’ll see. If this was an unprovoked attack, though, Virginia State’s program should be sanctioned severely. Winston Salem will play in the first round of the Division II playoffs this weekend.

2. Ark de Triumph?

You call it “Noah.” I call it the ultimate prequel to “Master and Commander.”

Russell Crowe IS Noah, the titular character in a period film (that link is to the trailer) in which he does not sing. So it has that going for it. The movie also stars Jennifer Connelly as his wife, because whenever you cast Crowe as a batshit-crazy lead whose wack ideas render him a pariah, then Connelly is your go-to spouse. I imagine Paul Bettany plays the voice of God? The movie, directed by Darren Anofsky (who is often harassed by loyal MH reader A.J. when he attempts to take his family out for breakfast in Brooklyn), is set for a March 27, 2014 release. Unless the world ends first.

3. Diver Down

Mevoli surfacing after a dive on Friday, two days before his fatal plunge.

Freediver Nicholas Mevoli of Brooklyn died on Sunday while competing in a tournament off the coast of the Bahamas. Mevoli, 32, from the Williamsburg section, dove to a depth of 71 meters (233 feet) with no fins (and, of course, no oxygen tank) and then returned to the surface, whereupon he collapsed. Mevoli, a national record holder in monofin diving who had only embraced the sport competitively a little over a year ago, had held his breath for 3:38.

Blood was flowing from Mevoli’s mouth –he often spit up blood after competitive dives, a result of tearing in his lungs –soon after he collapsed at Dean’s Blue Hole, an underwater sink hole that measures more than 600 feet in depth and is a mecca for competitive divers. Mevoli had dived to a depth of 68 meters, then stopped as if to begin his ascent, before continuing on for the final three meters that were his quest before beginning his return to the surface. Whether or not that decision cost him his life, heaven knows.

4. “I’ll Have the Iceberg Wedge”

Locals took the news of the iceberg split well. Yes, they are sanguine penguins.

An iceberg that scientists say is the size of Chicago (the city, not the band) has split from the Pine Island Glacier on Antarctica. Scientists cite global warming as the cause, but I am going with “artistic differences.”

To repeat, scientists say that the iceberg is about the size of Chicago or Singapore. You can imagine that scientists first yearned to say that it was the size of Delaware, the universal standard of measurement for objects of this scale, but were disappointed to learn that it was not.

Also on the matter of icebergs, I must give a shout-out to Tina Fey, who notes in her book “Bossypants” that Jack Dawson (Leo) might have survived if Rose (Kate Winslet) had not jumped off the lifeboat. Why? Because he could have rested atop the headboard solo, thereby not freezing to death.

The iceberg was later boarded by Somali pirates, who are now holding it captive.

Finally, there is also a rogue iceberg that scientists describe as being more than twice the size of Manhattan (the island, not the Woody Allen film) is drifting toward the western coast of Australia. It will likely cleave into numerous smaller icebergs, and potential blockbuster films, in the coming months.

5. “You Don’t Exactly Have to Be Scotland Yard…”

Richards, left, stands 7-3. Imagine how long it took to arrange that police lineup.

Yesterday accused serial killer Joanna Dennehy stunned the Old Bailey in London, and her defense attorney, by pleading guilty to the murder of three men in England. Dennehy’s reason for entering the plea? Inconvenience.

“I’m not coming back down here again just to say the same stuff,” Dennehy, 30, interrupted when her counsel tried to intervene. “It’s a long way to come here to say the same thing that I have just said.”

Dennehy’s co-defendant and boyfriend, Gary Richards, 47, pleaded not guilty.

The couple really should have considered another line of work. They don’t exactly blend into the crowd. Dennehy sports a green star tattoo on her right cheek (the right cheek on her face, that is), while Richards, who also goes by the sobriquet Gary Stretch, stands seven-foot-three. The Knicks will read this item and attempt to sign him.

Reserves

But did you ever ride the No. 22 Camelback Road bus home from school?

Ponder-ous

ESPN sideline reporter Samantha Steele Ponder, who attended the high school directly across the canal from mine (about a generation later, but who’s counting?) pens a piece that I think was about Twitter-bullying. There are 61 comments on the piece, all of them positive, reacting most viscerally and positively to SSP’s line, “We let broken people tell us how broken we are.”

And so of course if I dare to be contrarian on this then I’m simply the middle-aged curmudgeon who always finds a dark side (“Maybe you are”… “Maybe I am”).

Here’s my problem. Like it or not, Mrs. Ponder, you’re the prom queen who married the starting quarterback. You are 25 years old and you recently scolded a sportswriter (not me) on Twitter for reporting that your $1 million home was on the market by writing, “We haven’t lived in that house since June…”

Oh. Your point is that the home’s availability has nothing to do with your husband’s job stability with the Minnesota Vikings? Got it. But it may behoove you to realize that few people, especially 25 year-olds, reside in $1 million homes. And that even fewer engage in public feuds about it.

In her piece Ponder, who attended college in New York City for a few years before transferring to Liberty University in Virginia, writes, “For reasons I still don’t fully understand, I was able to experience relative career success at a very early age.”

Is that true? You don’t fully understand why you are in the position you are in? My guess is that you are good at your job and that male producers at Fox and later ESPN found you, how to put this diplomatically, extremely telegenic. That’s no sin. That’s the nature of your position.

So while you are correct that the strangers who assess your features on Twitter are creepy and (while you didn’t add this, it’s true) also craven, you have chosen a career in which your physical features play a role in the job that you have. This is the part where I’m a misogynist for even suggesting that anything other than journalistic expertise and good on-air presence had to do with you having this position at this age, followed shortly by half the audience who hears that rebuttal making a wanking gesture.

Let’s be clear: Ponder is a perfect fit for her sideline reporting job. She’s’ terrific in that role.

Did Mrs. Ponder express any thought that is untrue? No, not exactly. I’m just not sure what the larger message for the rest of us who are not young, beautiful, successful and financially stable was supposed to be. Or why someone who is all those things would take to a public forum to ask, “Why do people have to be mean?”

People –okay, men — can be jerks. People –okay, men again — may transfer their own insecurities or frustrations onto someone such as yourself and Twitter is the one forum in which they may actually reach out and touch you in a negative fashion. That sucks, because it’s something the rest of us don’t have to deal with.

On the other hand, you have a far greater number of followers on Twitter who reach out and tell you how much they love you, how wonderful you are at your job, how lovely you are, how much you inspire them or their daughters. That’s something that most people never receive. So maybe, like most professionals in your position –ask the seasoned ones — you recognize how blessed you are and decide that maybe this post comes off more like whining cleverly disguised (perhaps disguised so well that not even you recognize it) as a self-empowerment message for all, particularly women.

Bono, like Ponder, is outspoken in his Christian faith.

In the end I think it was the musician Paul Hewson (you know him as Bono) who 20 years ago said it much more succinctly and made the same point: “Don’t let the bastards get you down.”

Did anything else really need to be said?

STARTING FIVE

Ricardo Louis snatches victory out of thin air.

1. The Immaculate Deflection

Reasons why Ricardo Louis’ game-winning touchdown catch in the Auburn-Georgia game belongs right up there with Doug Flutie’s miracle in Miami and Kordell Stewart’s heave in Ann Arbor:

–It came on 4th-and-18 from Auburn’s own 27 with just :25 remaining.

–Georgia had scored its own go-ahead touchdown on a gutsy 4th-and-goal-from-the-five-tuck-and-run charge by quarterback Aaron Murray, capping a fourth-quarter comeback in which the Bulldogs had erased a 20-point fourth-quarter deficit.

–The fact that the post route was underthrown by Nick Marshall, a Georgia native and former Dawg, so that not one but two Dawgs had a chance to either bat it down or intercept it. In fact, if that pigskin never touches the hands of Georgia safety Josh Harvey-Clemons, it falls harmlessly to the turf. Instead, Harvey-Clemons inadvertently acted as a libero, setting the ball and sending it on a parabolic arc over Louis’ helmet and onto his fingertips.

–Tradition. Two old rivals (Auburn now leads the series 55-54-8) whose history extends across three centuries who were clad in their classic uniforms.

–Grief. Watch as the Georgia coaches react to Louis’ unlikely catch.

Auburn covered, smothered, scattered, chunked and topped Georgia on Saturday afternoon

—Waffle House. Auburn coach Gus Malzahn and his wife have a tradition extending back to his high school days that they visit a Waffle House after a W (which is why he’ll never coach in the Pac-12). After Saturday’s miracle, Malzahn said, “This is definitely a Waffle House night.” (For the record, this couple was not the Malzahns).

–The Iron Bowl. Auburn now has a full fortnight to bask in the victory, roll Toomer’s Corner (oops, sore subject) and prepare for a visit from the No. 1 team in the nation. And at 10-1, the War Damn Eagles could win the SEC West while also spoiling Nick Saban’s plans for global hegemony. Can you think of a better way to spoil Harvey Updyke’s Thanksgiving weekend?

2. Thumbs Up On Your Lawn Ornament

“A bird on your land…

It’s the classic tale of cuckolded husband, except that said husband owns three strip clubs, purchases the lakefront home adjacent to the one in which his ex-wife and her new guy reside, and has a fertile, if crass, imagination when it comes to holding a grudge. This all happened in Orchard Lake, a leafy suburb of Detroit, and leaves me to wonder how come Hung never had plotlines this funny.

…. is worth two in the bush.” Ex-wife Lea (left) and stepdaughter (Lenka).

Alan Markovitz, 59, reportedly spent $7,000 on the 12-foot statue, which is lit by a spotlight in the evenings. He also says of his ex-wife, Lea Tuohy (who did not adopt Michael Oher), “I’m totally over her.”

Well, of course.

3. Death in Mexico

Caselli: Off-road, and possibly off rodent.

The annual Baja 1,000 is a legendary 1,000-mile (as the name suggests) off-road race that snakes through the Mexican peninsula and has a huge underground following (read: my brother…and a few others). All types of vehicles enter. On Friday Kurt Caselli, 30, who was leading the motorcycle division of the trek nearly 800 miles in, crashed and was killed.

Initially it was reported that locals had booby-trapped a spot on the course, instigating the fatal crash, but that report has since been quashed. An updated statement from Caselli’s team suggests that Caselli may have struck a small animal, which led to the fatal crash.

4. USC Puts on Its  “O” Face

Coach O: If he was good enough for Leann Tuohy (no relation to Alan Markovitz)….

Highlights of Southern Cal’s 20-17 upset of No. 4 Stanford at the Coliseum: College Gameday’s Tom Rinaldi, during  a live segment that ran before 8 a.m. local time, inviting Trojan interim coach Ed Orgeron to do an impression of one of his own players doing an impression of him…Lee Corso, who is now 21-0 picking games that involve USC and head gear, absorbing a minor flesh wound after jousting with Herbie…Stanford, on its opening drive, calling two timeouts followed by Ty Montgomery letting a 40-yard completion fall through his hands…Tyler Gaffney’s touchdown run, another lesson in never whistling a Card run play dead too soon…Brent nonchalantly informing us that he was headed to Las Vegas the following day (maybe he had to see a guy about a thing?)…the referees measuring a third-and-short, the cameras clearly illustrating that the Cardinal are an inch short, and the zebras giving the Cardinal the first down anyway. Herbie: “Can we rewind that?” (no, we couldn’t, apparently; the truck never did)…Nelson Agholor’s second-effort drive to move the sticks on third down. Showed more want-to than most Card players did all night…Coach O, who had hand-written each Trojan band member a letter of thanks (See? He can spell) recently (onus now on you, every other FBS coach), leading said band using Tommy Trojan’s sword as his baton after the game. Take that, Mike Leach.

Why would USC want to do anything to replicate a scene such as this?

Should USC keep Orgeron? Why not? The players already believe in him –that’s half the job right there — and the fans love him. The Coliseum welcomed 92,000 on Saturday evening, as opposed to last month when media members were sending TwitPics of a nearly empty Mausoleum 20 minutes before kickoff of the Utah game.

Is Kevin Sumlin that superior? How many games has he won in College Station minus Johnny Football and why isn’t his defense better?

USC athletic director Pat Haden is a smart man, a decent man. But a smart man. My feeling is that if USC runs the table, beats UCLA, that he’ll reward Coach O with at least a short-term (three-year?) contract. What Coach O’s detractors, who point out his Ole Miss record (10-26),undersell is the effort a man gives when life gives him a second chance. Also, Haden may be thinking that his football team may not be best-served by a third father figure in six months.

USC will always have talent, and soon it will also have depth. And it’s built on the Alabama/Stanford model of pro-set offense, power running, and superior defensive specimens. No one is asking Coach O to put an even newer spin on the read option here.

I’d keep Coach O. And bask in the good karma.

5. Jack’s Back

Taylor, at five-foot-ten, should become the first college player to eclipse 100 points in a game who will not be drafted by an NBA team.

Division III Grinnell College, the program that eschews hoops orthodoxy, is back at it. Last  weekend Jack Taylor, whom you may remember scored 138 points in a game last November, went for 109 in a 173-123 win versus Crossroads College. Taylor went 24 for 48 from beyond the arc, and if you think Grinnell unapologetically chased a century club game for Taylor if for no other reasons than 1) to keep the players interested and 2) garner media attention via items such as this, you’d be correct.

Taylor, a five-foot-ten guard from Black River Falls, Wisc., now holds at least two NCAA basketball records: Most Points In One Game (138), and Most Times Scoring More Than 100 points in a game (2).

The six-foot-nine Francis was drafted by the Philadelphia Warriors in 1956, but never played for them. The Warriors would later nurture their own 100-point scorer.

In case you are wondering, Clarence “Bevo” Francis (113, for Rio Grande College) and Frank Selvy (100, Furman College) are the only other two college players in the Century Club.

Reserves

Boston College running back Andre Williams, the nation’s leading rusher and here’s why, gallops for 339 yards in a win versus N.C. State. The senior is now averaging 181 yards per game after gaining 634 yards in his past two games. You may want to start mentioning Williams along with Johnny Football, Jameis, A.J. and Marcus.

Andre Williams, 181 rushing yards per game. Mark Ingram in his Heisman 2009 season: 118. Reggie Bush in his Heisman season: 133 (although Bush had 222 all-purpose yards per game). Ron Dayne, 169.5 yards per game his ’99 Heisman season. Texas’ Ricky Williams averaged 193.9 when he earned the Heisman in ’98.

The interesting aspect about Williams: He has already rushed for more yards in this, his senior season (1,810), than he did in his previous three years at B.C. combined (1,542).  Which explains why he was on nobody’s Heisman radar.

Cartel does not have the nickname OPEC, though I’m all for it.

Meanwhile in Division III, Cartel Brooks of Heidelberg (John Buccigross’ alma mater) gains an NCAA-record 465 yards on just 38 carries in a 41-14 win versus Baldwin-Wallace. You’ll also enjoy learning that the school, located in Tiffin, Ohio, has as its mascot name The Student Princes. The five-foot-nine Brooks is from Kokomo, Ind., which was ravaged by yesterday’s tornadoes.

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Passmore, right, seconds before the wipeout.

Here’s video of Kirk Passmore’s final wave. His father wants as many people as possible to see this ride.

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Worth investigating: The Auburn scorekeeper. Just before halftime Georgia attempted a pass into the end zone. The ball hit the turf with :02 remaining. The scorekeeper at Jordan-Hare Stadium allowed the clock to run to :01, stopped it, then after a beat of about two seconds, ticked off the final second: :00. Fortunately for the Dawgs, the zebras on the field overruled him. UGA lined up for and made a field goal.

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Sportsmen of the Year?

All-Blacks: My under-the-radar choice for SI’s Sportsman of the Year.

In rugby news –because you asked — the New Zealand All-Blacks won their 13th consecutive match without a defeat this year versus England at Twickenham. The Kiwis take on Ireland this weekend in Dublin, and if they win would become the first national rugby squad to go undefeated since international professional play began in 1995.

Minor victory for the Brits: the fans at Twickenham broke into a roaring version of “Swing Low” during the Kiwis’ pregame Haka dance, rendering it inaudible.

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Niagara Fall

Rule No. 1, people. Rule No. 1.

Check out the top left corner of your screen. This Bills fans thought it might be a good idea to slide down the rail. Luckily for him, he survived. Beer + railings + gravity = stadium deaths.

Remote Patrol

Patriots at Panthers

ESPN 8:30 p.m.

GQ looks and a superstar’s resume and talent. Can Cam become the next Tom Brady?

It’s been a few years since Cam Newton won the Heisman Trophy, a national title and we were discussing a “bag man”, but tonight will be his national coming-out party as a pro. Keep an eye on superb Panther second-year linebacker Luke Kuechly as well.