Starting Five

The judges will also accept “Juan-derful.”

1. You Can’t Spell Uribe Without R-B-I”

With his team trailing 3-2 in the bottom of the 8th inning in Game 4 of the NLDS and teammate Yasiel Puig on second after a leadoff double, Juan Uribe tomahawks –ironic — a 2-2 offering from David Carpenter into the left-field stands at Dodger Stadium. 4-3, you lose. Thoughts:

–You are Brave manager Fredi Gonzalez, you have the most dominant closer in baseball right now, Craig Kimbrel, and you need six outs to book this series’ return flight to Turner Field for Game 5. Do you flout convention and bring in Kimbrel in the eighth to face Puig and Uribe, Nos. 5 and 6 in the lineup, and shut down the biggest threat? Or do you go by the book? Gonzalez played it conservatively and Kimbrel, as it turns out, never entered the contest. Both he and Gonzalez will have six months to stew about it.

The Dodgers never had to face Kimbrel, who led all Major League relievers in both saves (50) and ERA (1.21).

–The footage of Kimbrel standing on the mound after Uribe’s blast, hands on hips with a “Well, what would you like me to do now?” scowl on his face, will be etched in my memory for quite some time.

–The Dodgers need to play the Tampa Bay Rays in the World Series so that if they win in St. Petersburg they can celebrate in the devil ray tank out beyond centerfield.

–As a World Series preview –and the Dodgers will advance– Sports Illustrated needs to put Vin Scully, who is 85 and in his 64th mellifluous season with the Dodgers, on the cover with Yasiel Puig, who is 22 and a Dodger rookie. You can add Donnie Baseball and Sandy Koufax –who attended last night’s series clincher– too, if you like, but that’s just icing.

–Or, for fans of anagrams and continuity, you place Kate Upton on the cover with Dodger utility infielder Nick Punto.

Upton and Punto: Welcome to the Jumble!

–If the Dodgers, with Puig, and the A’s, with fellow Cuban Yoenis Cespedes, a second-year slugger, advance to the World Series, Fidel Castro needs to throw out the opening pitch for Game 1. Also, it would be the 25th anniversary of the last time these two met in the Fall Classic. Or, you could put this trio on the cover of SI.

–I’d like to think that the tremendous gesture that Dodger outfielder Matt Kemp made toward terminally ill fan Joshua Jones back on May 5 (“How you like that, Josh?”), after Los Angeles had just been swept three straight at the home of their arch-rivals in San Francisco to fall to 13-18, had a little something to do with this season’s historic turnaround. Of course, Puig may have had more to do with it. But I’d like to think the Kemp-Jones summit played a role. Jones passed away in August.

2. Oct-Olber-Fest (More on Yesterday’s Quadrupleheader)

Balfour enjoyed his one-Martinez lunch in Detroit.

Four playoff games that stretched from 1:07 p.m. until after midnight on the East Coast on an otherwise drab and often rainy Monday on the East Coast. Thanks, baseball. Thoughts on the rest of it:

— Vote For Pedro! I really enjoy listening to Pedro Martinez’s baseball insights on the TBS post-game show hosted by Keith Olbermann. Both he and fellow former All-Star Gary Sheffield criticized Clay Bucholz and the Red Sox for pitching to Evan Longoria in Tampa Bay — he clouted a three-run, game-tying blast –but they did so by explaining WHY it was foolhardy and providing detailed analysis. Now if we can just get Pedro to wardrobe.

— If San Francisco 49er safety Donte Whitner can legally change his name to Donte Hitner, why won’t Oakland A’s reliever Grant Balfour just get it over with and add the second “l” to his surname?

–The A’s appear to be as jovial and close a team as the Tigers are taciturn and icy. Don’t like Detroit’s juju right now.

–While Detroit lost yesterday, is it possible that Jim Leyland squandered this series in Game 2? You’ve got Justin Verlander pitching four-hit, shutout ball through seven innings. And you pull him with the score knotted at 0-0 to open the eighth? If you’ve watched Verlander pitch the past couple of seasons, you’ve seen this movie: excellent outing, often a shutout effort, and no run support. That’s not Leyland’s fault per se, but why not allow him to pitch the eighth (yes, Oakland won it in the 9th, not the 8th, but you move every reliever back an inning this way). Verlander was at 117 pitches when pulled. That’s high, but he’s a hoss.

–Detroit was last in the MLB in stolen bases this season. The Tigers rarely hit and run or even bunt. Leyland pulled Verlander too soon and it was clear to anyone watching that Anibel Sanchez was struggling yesterday in the 5th inning before allowing the two-run blast to Seth Smith. The chain-smoker is a Hall of Famer, sure, but there are a lot of fans in Detroit who believe that his job is extremely simple (fills out lineup card with ” Cabrera” and “Fielder”, pulls out a Salem…) and that he’s operating at a Todd-as-meth-cook efficiency level.

The only thing that can stop Beltran is the donning of a Mets jersey.

–The S. Louis Cardinals’ Carlos Beltran, as Yahoo! Sports’ Jeff Passan pointed out, has career postseason numbers that compare favorably to another prolific No. 3, Babe Ruth.

…………………G        AB           BA     OBP        HR       RBI    H     BB   SLG%

Ruth:            41        129         .326    .467         15         33      42    33      .744

Beltran:        38       38           .355    .464        16          31      49    28     .783

–Wacha Wacha Wacha. There, I said it. The Cards’ ace, Michael Wacha, has now taken his last two starts into the eighth inning without surrendering a hit. Not bad for a 22 year-old from Iowa.

3. Don’t Think Pink

He’s stoned, isn’t he?

Our loyal friend both inside and outside the blog, Moose, is a breast cancer survivor who recently has experienced yet another unwelcome visit from the old family nemesis. Her first chemotherapy treatment in this latest bout (she has a 3-0 lifetime record versus cancer) was last Wednesday and this time she’s keeping an on-line journal, moosenoos.com, to record her thoughts and experiences. The latest entry, “Don’t Think Pink”, is worth your time.

4. Gus Fring Never Got an Obituary

Pertinent data: This ad, which actually appeared on page 4A of last Friday’s Albuquerque Journal, cost $166 to place. There was a 40% increase in single copy sales that day, and traffic to that page was approximately 60 times what the paper’s top story garners. You can purchase a copy on eBay for $26.

5. Legend of the Fall

This is a break from tradition, but I finished yesterday’s write-up on “Gravity” and kept it on yesterday’s edition of “It’s All Happening!” If you’d like to read it, click here and scroll down to No. 5. If you prefer to remain in the dark and silence –there is no sound in space — then we’ll catch you tomorrow. Thanks.

Starting Five

1. A Tale of Two Mannings

It was the season of Light…

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, yada yad yada…

The Denver Broncos are 5-0 after quarterback Peyton Manning led them to yesterday’s football-on-your-phone friendly 51-48 defeat of Dallas Cowboys.

The New York Giants are 0-5 after quarterback Eli Manning was once again Samsung Galaxy un-Watch-able in yesterday’s 36-21 loss to the Philadelphia Eagles.

Peyton threw four touchdown passes (yes, Dallas’ Tony Romo threw five, as well as for 506 yards), which puts him at  twenty for the season, which is a record-breaking pace. The record, set by Tom Brady in 2007, is 50. Peyton, who finally threw an interception in the third quarter, also set an NFL mark for most TD passes without a pick to begin a season, with 19.

…it was the season of Darkness…

Eli threw three interceptions –and had three intentional grounding penalties, the most in one contest since 2001. That gives the two-time Super Bowl MVP 12 picks through five games. The NFL record, set by then rookie Vinny Testaverde of  the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in 1988, is 35 (if you consider that Vinny tossed five picks in the 1988 Fiesta Bowl/national championship game, he threw 40 INTs in that calendar year). Eli is on a pace to throw 38.4.

Ashley Judd Nearly Became a Widow

Two years ago this October Indy Car driver Dan Wheldon died in a horrific crash at the Las Vegas International Speedway. Yesterday on the final lap of the Houston Grand Prix Dario Franchitti, who drove in that Las Vegas race, nearly met the same fate. Franchitti, the husband of Ashley Judd and a four-time IndyCar Series champion, clipped the tire of the car driven by Takuma Sato went airborne into the debris fence. Franchitti suffered two fractured vertebrae and a broken ankle.

Thirteen spectators were injured by flying debris.

There is just one remaining race in this year’s IndyCar Series season, on October 19 in Fontana, Calif.

AP-palling

Lache Seastrunk is second in the nation in rushing (147 yards per game) even though he has just two rushing attempts after halftime this season.

Yesterday, as they do each Sunday morning during college football season, five dozen members of the fourth estate filed their Associated Press poll (AP poll) ballots. Of those 60 voters –all of whom I believe are male– 57 placed Louisville ahead of Baylor on their ballots. I’ve singled out these two programs because neither are perennial BCS  bowl programs, though the Cardinals did defeat Florida in last January’s Sugar Bowl.

Louisville is ranked 8th in this week’s poll. Baylor is ranked 15th.

The Cardinals are 5-0. The Bears are 4-0.

The Cardinals have yet to face a ranked team. The Bears have yet to face a ranked team.

The Cardinals have played one school that lost to a currently ranked team (Kentucky, which has lost to two). The Bears have played one school that defeated a ranked team (West Virginia)

The Cardinals have met one FCS team. The Bears have met one FCS team.

The Cardinals average 44.4 points per game, tied for 11th-best in the land. The Bears average 70.5 points per game, which is by far the best in the land.

The Cardinals allow 6.8 points per game, which is best in the land. The Bears allow 16.3 points per game, which is 14th-best.

The average halftime score of a Louisville game  is an astounding 25.4 to 0.6. The average halftime score of a Baylor game is 55 to 9.

Louisville: the most impressive scoring defense in the country. Baylor: the most impressive scoring offense in the country.

Preston Brown, shown here in last January’s Sugar Bowl, is the leading tackler on the nation’s stingiest scoring defense.

It isn’t wacko to rank Louisville ahead of Baylor. It’s wacko that 95% of AP voters –the exceptions being Seth Emerson of The Macon Telegraph, Josh Kendall of The State (a South Carolina newspaper, not a former MTV comedy sketch show), and Andy Staples of Sports Illustrated — did, since at the very least an equally compelling argument can be made for Art Briles’ Big 12 squad.

One possible explanation? Poll inertia. Louisville, which beat Florida in the Sugar Bowl, was ranked No. 9 in the AP’s preseason poll. Baylor? Unranked.

The nation’s top scoring defense (statistically) versus the nation’s top scoring offense (statistically). It would be wonderful to match them up against each other, no?

Colt Bolts

Colt has NFL talent…

Oregon may be the best team in the land–or at least the best team west of Tuscaloosa— and it may have the nation’s most explosive offense. So how come its starting tight end, a former five-star prep standout from Portland who has NFL-ready talent, just dropped out of school?

Duck tight end Colt Lyerla, formerly of Hillsboro High School in suburban Portland, will not be in uniform on Saturday in Seattle when No. 2 Oregon visits No. 16 Washington in prime time. ESPN’s “College GameDay” will visit, while the game will air on Fox Sports 1. America’s bartenders, consider yourselves forewarned.

Lyerla had missed two games this season –one due to illness and last Saturday for a “violation of team rules.” In 2012 he missed nine days of fall camp for “personal reasons” and this summer was publicly rebuked by the Duck athletic department after sending a tweet related to the Sandy Hook massacre, about it all being a conspiracy.

A six-foot-five, 250-pound stud rock, Lyerla is a junior and has said that he has no plans to enroll at another school, but rather to simply prepare for the NFL draft. A magnificent beast of a tight end with off-field issues and what appears to be authority problems. Do you think, in light of what happened last June, that a lot of NFL teams will pass on this prospect? Sure, but someone will select him.

5. Legend of the Fall

Sandra Bullock as Dr. Ryan Stone, while somewhere ASU football coach Todd Graham wonders who stole his headset.

(Yes, kids, the all caps SPOILER ALERT!!!! I’m going to discuss “Gravity” below, so if you don’t want to know anything before seeing the film, do not read further. If you loathe my writing, or even loathe me, do not read further. If you are late for work or a date or accounting class, do not read further. You’ve been warned.)

….. I’m warning you…

…You’re still here? Seriously? Okay….

Clooney: Sometimes hope doesn’t float.

Distance lends perspective.

That is one of many thoughts that crosses your mind as Sandra Bullock does her best Dorothy-in-Outer-Space impersonation in “Gravity”, a film that will stay with you for awhile. Bullock and George Clooney, the only two people in the film whose faces we ever see (I could say more, but I won’t), are nominally the stars of the show, but good old Mother Earth literally upstages them (and I believe I’m using “literally” in the proper sense here).

In numerous scenes throughout earth dominates the background –hey, there’s the Sinai peninsula! — silent and awe-inspiring. Our planet is a miracle, really, and “Gravity”, I like to think, is director Alfonso Cuaron’s mission (and he has “some serious concerns about this mission”) is to remind us that just because we are able to  understand and explain a phenomenon does not make it any less miraculous. It’s as if he’s trying to shake every last audience member and scream, “Don’t take this place for granted. And, don’t take life for granted.”

“Enjoy the ride,” as Clooney’s Matt Kowalski advises…which is funny since Bullock experiences about as harrowing a ride as anyone can imagine. And in the process, while dealing with grief and danger and fear and sometimes, just plain taxing mental work –Would you have the perseverance to read an instruction manual written in Russian if your life depended on it? — she has to make a conscious decision as to whether continuing on this ride is worth it.

You can compare this film, in which the cataclysmic moment occurs very early, to a number of other films: “127 Hours” comes closest to mind, though I’ve heard reviewers mention “Cast Away” and “Deliverance” as well. It’s about the will to live and about wanting to get home –so, in a sense, “E.T.” also works, but it’s also about taking a look outside yourself and just noticing the beauty of creation. Of earth. As you watch the lower half of Italy float past in evening, or the sun rise over the Ganges, things such as improving your Klout score suddenly gain their true insignificance.

Notes:

1) That’s Ed Harris in an off-camera role as the voice from mission control in Houston. Inspired casting, as Harris played astronaut John Glenn in “The Right Stuff” and a mission control commander in “Apollo 13.”

2) Tell me you didn’t watch Clooney float away and think of his final scene from “The Perfect Storm.” It was so eerily similar that I wondered if Cuaron was doing it intentionally.

3) You could just as easily titled this film “Hope Floats” or “Forces of Nature”, but then Sandra Bullock has already done those films.

3) The final 90 seconds of this film, in my opinion, stakes its place among the great movie scenes of all time, mostly for its symbolism. There is the metaphor for birth, as Bullock must press her way out of a tight womb –her reentry capsule — and float in amniotic fluid –the inlet where she has landed –before coming to the surface for her first breath. And then she must crawl, which as an astronaut reentering earth’s gravitational pull would be entirely realistic here, before she can walk.

But, of course, there is more going on here. In an instant Bullock is transitioning from man’s greatest achievement –intergalactic travel — to that primordial, prehistoric moment when man first crawled out of the sea and found his true home. She crawls out of the water, clutches the mud as if it’s a long-lost blanket, then takes pains to stand. At this point Bullock is shot from the ground up, to illustrate the majesty of human evolution. It is every bit as iconic a moment as the opening of “2001: A Space Odyssey.”

The circle of evolution is complete: a spaceman returns to earth and mimics man’s first steps. Of course, it also represents the first steps that Dr. Ryan Stone is taking in her new life. Magnificent. Satisfying.

The accommodations are cramped, but you cannot beat the view.

The movie plays out a lot like a theme park ride. There are those brief , early moments of dread and anxiety as you feel the chain pull you to the peak of the roller coaster, and then the rest of it is just a wild ride of twists, turns, huge dips and white knuckles.

Except that “Gravity” is more than just a wild-ride blockbuster. It has pathos. We are all Ryan Stone. We are all along for the ride. And it’s up to every one of us, no matter what the circumstances, to keep pushing toward that next module. And, every once in awhile, to look around at our home and gape at the wonder of it all, baby.

Starting Five

1. Mr. Brightside

(It’s just the price I pay/Destiny is calling me…)

Is Walter on his way back to New Mexico, or is his death fantasy just beginning here?

“It was only a dream, it was only a dream.”

On Monday, one day after the series finale of “Breaking Bad”, “Felina”, aired, comedian, former “Weekend Update” host and passionate golf commentator Norm Macdonald tweeted, “I was a huge fan of Breaking Bad but I must confess I did not understand that ending at all.”

Two days later Macdonald returned. “One thing seems clear. (Walt) never made it out of that car in the snow, surrounded by police. That’s where he died, his final prayer unanswered.”

Followed by: “But the police came in force, and they surrounded Walt’s car. Then the fantasy begins with car keys falling in his lap.”

And it begins to make sense (credit Emily Nussbaum of The New Yorker with coming to the same conclusion, by the way…also, disbelieve if you want, but I wrote what follows before I read Nussbaum’s piece)…

1) The keys magically falling into Walt’s lap…

2). The car starts, though one could argue that only moments earlier Walt had broken the steering shaft while attempting to hot wire the car…

3) Walt taps the driver’s side window and all the snow magically falls off…

4) The vehicle is surrounded by police lights but Walt escapes (the cops never notice the footprints leading to it?)…

5) Suddenly, Walter is in New Mexico, eating at a diner, on his birthday.  Yes, if you are Vince Gilligan, you cannot delay the plot, but if Walt’s already in the final throes of dying, you don’t need to do so…

6) Walter contacts and enlists Badger and Skinny Pete without much difficulty…

7) Walt is too cool and collected at the Schwartz estate in Santa Fe (“you’re going to need a bigger knife”) and he locates their home without much trouble. Someone at Gray Matter just gave him the address because he poses as a New York Times writer…?

8) Walter visits Skylar, and even lingers outside the apartment to catch one last glimpse of Flynn, though the complex is supposedly under surveillance…

9) The manner in which Walter appears to us at Skylar’s allows us to imagine the scene initially from the vantage point of Walt being absent and later from that of him being present. The wooden column can be a coffin…

10) Walt slips the Ricin into Lydia’s packet. How, since the packet appears untouched? Also, Lydia and Todd never sat at the same table before this scene and for the first time, Lydia is not seated at a table against the window.  And she’s a creature of habit?

Lydia: If she’s such a creature of habit, how did Walt know she’d sit at a table where we’ve never seen her sit before?

11) This all takes place on Walter’s birthday, which is convenient. It’s also the day back in the pilot that he first learned of the lucrative opportunities involved in cooking and selling meth…

12) Walt has the time and talent to fashion an automatic, remote-controlled, rotating weapon in the desert. Purchases the equipment, constructs it…

13) The Neo Nazis never check the trunk…

14) The Neo Nazis allow Walt to park the car the way he wanted to. They even allow him to drive it…

15) The Neo Nazis don’t waste Walter immediately, but give him his audience with Jesse (this is all getting a little too “Tune in next week when the Caped Crusader…”)…

What if PInkman’s fate is to be a meth slave, and Brock an abandoned orphan? Isn’t that more in line with BB?

16) The only Neo Nazis not  immediately killed by the trunk rifle are the two villains whose deaths would most satisfy us: Todd and Uncle Jack. Jesse has the opportunity to strangle his tormentor while Walt is allowed to avenge Hank’s murder by shooting Uncle Jack…

17) Jesse gets away. Someone else can figure out why Jesse backed the escape vehicle out behind Walt the way he did. Walt, plagued with a guilty conscience during the long months of solitude in New Hampshire, may have been plagued by guilt over the fate to which he’d sent Jesse…

18) Speaking of which, we are given a lingering close-up shot of the New Hampshire license plate: “Live Free or Die.” Huge clue right there…

19) The episode’s title, “Felina”, is both an anagram and a reference to the lovely lass in Marty Robbins’ “El Paso.” The Marty Robbins tape would have been one of the final things Walt encountered in a lucid state. Here is one stanza from the classic ballad:

Felina is strong and I rise where I’ve fallen, Though I am weary I can’t stop to rest. I see the white puff of smoke from the rifle. I feel the bullet go deep in my chest.

Not a one-for-one parallel, but certainly you can see a similarity.

And why would Uncle Jack be so offended that Walter assumed he and Jesse were partners? Why would he care?

20) Lydia phones Todd and Walt answers, allowing him (and us) the satisfaction of informing her that he has poisoned her. Again, a little too convenient, a little too clean.

21) Think about it: the episode begins with Walter in a car, surrounded by the police, and he has just injured his right hand by trying to jimmy the drive shaft. The episode ends with Walter on the floor of his beloved meth lab, his right hand bloodied and leaving a stain on a piece of equipment, as the police surrounding him.

22) The final clue? And again, there may be more hidden. One follower pointed out to Macdonald that his theory falls apart because when Walt visited Sklyar she tells him about the three masked men who visited to threaten her about mentioning Lydia. But what if that was all part of Walt’s imagination from an earlier episode? It’s slightly incredible that they eluded police surveillance, but that they all dressed like the Penguin’s henchmen from a Batman episode? Todd and the Neo Nazis thought nothing of wasting a half-dozen meth cookers in their street clothes, but now they’re all going to suit up in modified Ninja gear to break into Walt’s house? That sounds more like the stuff of Walt’s imagination.

Let’s run with this theory for a moment longer. Show creator Vince Gilligan appeared on “Talking Bad’, a live, nationally televised program immediately after “Felina” aired. Gilligan answered host Chris Hardwick’s questions in a straight-forward manner, but why wouldn’t he? It’s never the artist’s job to explain the painting.

Gilligan did provide a HUGE clue, though. He told Hardwick near the end of the telecast that his favorite show of all time, the one that most inspired him, is “The Twilight Zone.” Which ending, the on-the-surface finale, or this alternate-theory finale, is more in line with an episode of “The Twilight Zone?”

What about, a skeptic could ask, Jesse’s own dream sequence with woodworking? Okay, but what if that moment were real? We emerge from the dream to see Jesse a meth slave, alone, and that is the end of the scene. What if Gilligan were simply giving us one final glimpse of Jesse’s reality?

And so now “Felina” becomes crystal-meth clear. The amoral and terrible decisions that Walter White made in the two years since his 50th birthday, the short-cuts to financial security (Are you listening, Wall Street? America?), have tragic and collateral consequences for all involved. Marie loses her husband (as does Skylar). Flynn not only loses his father, but his positive image of him –forever. Jesse is a meth-slave version of The Gimp, forever confined to a subterranean hell hole when not cooking meth? Andrea is dead. Only the bad guys –Todd, Uncle Jack, Lydia — win. It is torturous to bear, which is far more in line with “Breaking Bad’s” theme.

Finally –and this time I mean it — imagine how giddy Gilligan, Aaron Paul, Anna Gunn and the rest of the cast must have been as Hardwick and Jimmy Kimmel discussed the finale without grasping what they had really just seen. It’s a little like Lennay Kekua: all the clues were hiding in plain sight, but we just never paid attention to them.

2. The Space Between

Stand down, Princess Leia

For a film whose title suggest an inexorable fall to earth, “Gravity” is floating this morning upon universally rave reviews. Metacritic.com gives it a 97 (out of 100) while Rotten Tomatoes gives it a 98. Sandra Bullock will definitely be nominated for an Oscar while the film, which aptly is released in –wait for it–the fall, is an early Oscar favorite for “Best Picture.”

I like what A.O. Scott of The New York Times wrote: ““Gravity” is less a science-fiction spectacle than a Jack London tale in orbit.”

You should know that Bullock, 49, was not the first or even second choice of director Alfonso Cuaron. He wrote it for Angelina Jolie, who is off directing “Unbroken”, then Marion Cotillard screen-tested. Then Natalie Portman was offered the role, but passed. Finally, Bullock. The feeling here is that people will see the film, which co-stars George Clooney in the Buzz Lightyear-sidekick role, and wonder how anyone BUT Bullock could have ever played the part.

As I’ve noted before in this blog, Bullock has now appeared in “Speed”, “Gravity”, “The Heat” and, wrapping it all up, “Forces of Nature.” She is every high school Physics teacher’s monster crush.

3. Separated at Birth? Tommy Rees, Woody from “Toy Story”

Rees and Woody have similar eyes, no?

Our good friend Jones brought this comparison to our attention. Your thoughts?

4. Rhoads Rage

Gray Area: Johnathan had the ball raked from his arms, but before he was down? Definitely maybe.

Twitter went bonkos over Iowa State coach Paul Rhoads’ post-game presser last night after he felt that his Cyclones were robbed in the final 70 seconds due to the officials’ failure on a goal-line fumble in a 31-30 home loss to Texas. I was a little more “myeh” or, as my friend Dan Wolken tweeted, “I give it 8 Gundys out of 10.”

Did Rhoads have a right to be upset? Yeahhhhh, but… a goal line fumble in a pack of behemoths is a difficult call. Certainly the following play was an obvious fumble –and I wonder why the refs did not give the Longhorns a touchdown, as the ball was over the plane of the goal line when Johnathan Gray recovered his own fumble.

Anyway, Texas won. Rhoads fumed, and got his 90 seconds of Twitter fame, which will not hurt recruiting, which means that Thayer Evans could be purchasing a new pair of cowboy boots in Ames about a year from now.

Oh, and this was a contest between two unranked teams. So, simmer down now…

5. TWTR

That will be the stock ticker symbol of “Twitter”, which released details about its Initial Public Offering (IPO) this morning. Last month the company announced that it would go public later this autumn, but yesterday it made its prospectus public for the first time.

The company, founded seven years ago, doubled its revenue in the first half of 2013 as opposed to the same period in 2012, but it is hemorrhaging money. It reported a net loss of $79 million in 2012 and $69 million for just the first half of this year. By comparison, I don’t feel so bad with this site.

Twitter has not set an initial stock price, but if I were them I’d make it $140 and adjust the number of shares available accordingly (stock price times number of shares = overall value). That’s a no-brainer.

Sure, there are concerns (what percentage of accounts are not actually potential consumers, @FauxJohnMadden?) but be bearish on this stock at your own peril.

When Google (GOOG) had its IPO in 2004, critics asked, “But how does Google make money?” Well, the stock price has gone from $85 per share at the August, 2004, IPO to $872 today, or 1,000% in less than 10 years.

Facebook’s (FB) IPO was pilloried, and rightly so, but look at the stock price about 16 months later. Yes, it opened at $38 per share and then fell as low as $18.80 per share, but if you bought it at the IPO and never sold, you’re up more than 20% in less than a year and a half. The stock is trading today at about $50.

Twitter is a winner, Tell your friends that a little bird told you so. Hashtag #Buy

p.s. In case you’re in search of a new nadir for American intelligence, shares of Tweeter Home Entertainment (TWTRQ) are up 530% today due to large volume due, it can only be presumed, on investors hearing news about Twitter’s IPO and assuming this is it. If you were savvy enough to buy Tweeter yesterday –or just dumb lucky –you’ve made a haul today.

The stock has gone from less than one penny per share to about four pennies per share. Pennies from heaven!

 Reserves

Last night’s special guest on The Grotto, our third episode and our first with a guest who didn’t have two preschool-aged children, was Arash Markazi. Or as I call him, “Guestlist” Markazi. Thanks to Arash for joining me and thanks to all who put up with my snifflecast (allergies). Here is your link.

Remote Patrol

No. 15 Washington at No. 5 Stanford

ESPN 10:30 PM

Granted, Price’s technique needs a little work, but the Huskies could upset Stanford for the second year in a row.

While Miley Cyrus twerks on SNL, Bishop Sankey and Keith Price will work at Stanford Stadium to topple the Cardinal. It’s a terrific Saturday from coast to coast, from noon to past midnight in college football, as from 12 p.m. until almost 2 a.m. you’ll be able to watch a top 10 team play, and more often than not versus another ranked opponent.

Starting Five

Randomly met a decent guy at the Dublin House last night who is a prop master. Told me he worked on “Almost Famous” and when I informed him what I call this site’s daily update, a huge shine came across his face. “I say that all the time,” he beamed. His first movie gig? “After Hours”, from Martin Scorcese. When I recalled the plaster-of-paris body cast, the dude, David Allen, lit up once more. It was like telling Michelangelo that you’d seen his earliest sculpture. There’s no place like New York City.

1. Upton Girl

I can see Kate’s “BRA” in this picture.

Kate Upton makes her third Sports Illustrated cover in the past 20 months. Ruminations:

1. One of these players is out of uniform.

2. Who will be the first Detroit Tiger to tape this cover to Justin Verlander’s locker?

3. Upton is from Florida, but originally from Michigan, which explains why she is not pictured with any Rays or Tigers. Okay, I get it and it’s a clever idea… although something tells me the common surname has less to do with ancestry than slavery. But, hey, let’s not go there…

4. Since Upton first graced an SI cover in February of last year, only LeBron James (six times) has appeared on the cover as many times. Peyton Manning has two covers in that span, as does Jeremy Lin.

We’re going to have to repaint you in a Grizzlies jersey, hon.

5. I’m anxious for the NBA Preview issue later this month that should feature Mike and Marisa Miller (or, as Twitter follower @ginjaninja78 suggests, Eric and Brooklyn Decker) while slightly disappointed that there are no famous athletes with the surname Agdal.

Nina Agdal. Is it close enough to Nadal to warrant a cover? He last appeared five years ago.

6. You might accuse me of exploiting females atop this site today to garner more page views, but where ever would I get that idea?

2. Heil Hitner!

Hitner’s words make nearly as much impact as his helmet and shoulder pads.

San Francisco 49er safety Donte Whitner is legally changing his surnamee to “Hitner.” An aside: as a “W” myself, I thought of doing this until realizing that my last name would still be spelled exactly the same in Pig Latin (“Altersway”).

One by-product of Hitner’s decision is literally a buy-product. By NFL rules, a player who legally changes his name in season is required to purchase ALL of the remaining unsold merchandise that bears his name.

The moniker change aside, Hitner demonstrated that his comments are as blunt as his blows yesterday with a short speech that the NFL ought to adopt as its tagline:

“This is a tough game. This is a game for grown men. When we signed up for that, we all know that. If you don’t want to play football, you don’t want to be physical, you don’t want to be hit, don’t come around guys that like to hit. That’s the game of football, just do it the right way.”

 3. More Embarrassing Than a 25-0 Loss

Boorish behavior by Rebel players disrupts a student performance in Oxford.

“Odious” says Jason McIntyre of “The Big Lead” while USA Today’s Dan Wolken tweets “This is ugly.” Both tweets concerned an Ole Miss student production of “The Laramie Project”, a play based on the murder of openly gay University of Wyoming student Matthew Shepard.

Of course, their tweets were not a review of the performance, but rather an opinion on what took place during it: heckling, including the use of homophobic slurs, by Ole Miss football players (and, to be fair, others) who were in the audience.

The first question you and I might ask: Why were Rebel gridders attending that play in the first place? I don’t know, but I wonder if it was mandatory for a class that some of them might be taking.

“I have been acting for seven or eight years…,” sophomore theater major Rachel Staton told The Daily Mississippian. “That was by far the worst audience I’ve ever performed in front of. It wasn’t all football players, but they seemed to be the leaders. If I can go support and respect the football team in their stadium, I feel like they should be able to support and respect me and my fellow cast members when we are doing a show.”

It’s ironic in a way,” the play’s director, Rory Ledbetter, told The DM. ” In (“The Laramie Project’) we address these topics of hate against homosexuals. What happened in the audience (Tuesday night) was the very thing we were trying to portray in the show. (The incident) suggests we have a long way to go.

“The unfortunate part of all of this is that I don’t think that the audience members that caused these problems really understood what they were doing,” he said. “Further education on all of this needs to be brought to light.”

Yup.

 From Foul Line to Feline

Batter’s box and litter box, LaRussa knows both.

Tony LaRussa is a man of many cats, as this wonderful read on the former baseball manager by Wall Street Journal columnist Jason Gay attests. As Gay writes, “You can live with a cat for years, feed it, care for it, let it watch its favorite television shows, and it will still occasionally look at you like you moved into the house nine minutes ago.”

As someone typing this with three cats within 10 feet of me as I do so, I can endorse that statement. But, as LaRussa says, “Cats are so unique in the way they show affection, and because you have to work for it. Once you get it, man, they just curl up with you. But they retain their independence.”

As for Gay, who appears on “Crowd Goes Wild” but still finds a way to maintain his dignity, he is part of a diminishing breed of writer known as the sports humorist.

Growing up I feasted on the easy wit and charm of SI writers such as Roy Blount, Jr., John Underwood and the master, Dan Jenkins. Then Rick Reilly came along, and he could be hilarious back then. After that it was Steve Rushin, who is both insanely insightful and the Jason Mraz of sports writing, Franz Lidz and, when the mood struck him, Richard Hoffer.

Jason Gay, not to be confused with the SI cover from earlier this year. A comma can make so much difference.

Donald Katz, who is not a sportswriter per se, penned “The Last of the Ferret Leggers” for “Outside” long ago, which is nearly as funny as Gay’s “The Boy of Summer”, which he wrote for GQ in 2007, I believe. Or 2008.

Anyway, sports editors no longer seem to put a premium on genuinely funny sports prose. Or maybe they’re just all looking for Dane Cook when what the world needs more of is Louis C.K. Either way, Jason Gay is doing this brand of writing as well as anyone I know of these days. This is just one more example.

5. The Big 8 (because I havent’ done it yet this week)

This Saturday in ranked versus ranked,  a Bishop (Sankey) takes on a Cardinal (Stanford) while the Sun Devils meet God’s team (Notre Dame). Also, believe it or not, I am a Harris Poll voter and this Sunday will mark my first ballot of the season. Right now I’m going 1) Franco 2) Neil Patrick 3) Mel…. Anyway…

Bishop Sankey. Curiously enough, he runs more like a rook.

1. Alabama (4-0)

Shut down Ole Miss as if the Rebels were the federal government (I resisted urge to type “Ha Ha Clinton-Dix’s suspension is no laughing matter”). Next up: Georgia State.

2. Oregon (4-0)

I’d prefer to rank them 1-A. The Ducks lead the nation in rushing and that’s without former Duck Lache Seastrunk, who is averaging 11 yards per carry for Baylor. Next up: at Colorado.

3. Clemson (4-0)

It was an open-casket Wake Forest last Saturday, 56-7. The Tigers visit New York state, i.e. Syracuse, this weekend, for an orange crush clash. Next up: The Cuse.

4. Stanford (4-0)

The Cardinal take on U-Dub in the weekend’s most exciting matchup. Coach David Shaw, informed that he likely appears on USC’s coaching short list, quipped, “It may be a short list, but it’s one name too long.” Next up: No. 15 U-Dub.

5. Georgia (3-1)

Yes, the Dawgs have a loss, but they are the only program that has defeated two teams that were ranked in the top 10 when they met (South Carolina, LSU) and only defeat was at No. 3 Clemson by three. Next up: at Tennessee.

6. Ohio State (4-0)

Buckeyes passed Part 1 of their two-game midterm by taking down Wisconsin at the Horseshoe. Evanston will never feel like Ann Arbor or Madison, but Northwestern’s fans will be fired up this Saturday for Urban’s visit. Next up: at No. 16 Northwestern.

7. Florida State (4-0)

Seminoles hit the snooze button in Chestnut Hill last Saturday, but then went on a 35-3 run after trailing by two touchdowns. Next up: No. 25 Maryland.

8. Baylor (3-0)

Why? Yes, we could put UCLA or Oklahoma here. Or Texas A&M, whose only defeat was to Bama. But for now, the Bears lead the nation in scoring by more than 10 points over the next closest school (Oregon) and their 62-pointaverage margin of victory is more than anyone else in the FBS is even averaging scoring per game. For now, I’ll be wacko over Waco. Next up: West Virginia.

Remote Patrol

NLDS: Los Angeles Dodgers at Atlanta Braves, Game 1

TBS 8:37 p.m.

Puig: World Series MVP would trump not being named to the All-Star team.

All any of us outside Fulton County or the 285 Loop yearn to see if Yasiel Puig it a towering blast and admire it, followed by the Braves’ taking umbrage. Kate Upton jumps into the fray, jerseys are torn, and c-c-c-c-c-c-catfight.

Starting Five

Grilli and Martin celebrate the Bucs’ first postseason win since 1992, a year in which Right Said Fred, Kris Kross, and Sir Mix-A-Lot ruled the charts.

1. The Bucs Start Here

Pay attention, class.

Pittsburgh Pirates: Good.

Somali Pirates: Bad.

Somali Pirates: Lack a closer.

Captain Phillips: Good.

Wilson Phillips: Bad.

Pirates hold on for one more day…actually, for at least five or so…

Oh, and as long as we’re doing this, Pittsburgh Steelers: Bad.

Sorry to remind you, Yinzers. The Steel Curtain is 0-4 for the first time since 1968. The Pirates win a playoff game for the first time since 1992. The last time they won one, this round of the playoffs didn’t even exist.

2. The Curious Case of Tom Hanks’ Overlapping Characters

Captain’s courageous. Hanks’ latest role…

…and as Capt. Miller in “Saving Private Ryan.”

Maybe it’s just a matter of the most beloved actor of our time getting a lot of work over the past quarter-century plus, but “Captain Phillips” will mark at least (this is not an exhaustive study; feel free to correct me) the sixth time that Hanks has piloted a vessel in a film…

1. The Polar Express

2. Apollo 13

3. Cast Away

4. Forrest Gump

5. A League of Their Own (he briefly becomes the bus driver)

6. Captain Phillips

…and the third time* he has held the rank of captain…

Hanks (as Uncle Ned) and Michael J. Fox in “Family Ties.” The original “Drunk Uncle.”

1. Apollo 13

2. Saving Private Ryan

3. Captain Phillips

*I’ll note that I don’t remember the rank he held when he was discharged from the Army in “Forrest Gump” nor do I recall what rank he achieved in the Navy before leaving in “Larry Crowne.”

3. Should We Be Paying Attention To…Baylor?

Lache Effect: Seastrunk leads the nation in yards per carry at just under 11 per.

I will grant you that the Baylor Bears of Waco, Texas, have, through three contests, yet to play anyone better than the Buffalo Bulls and that through September they were no better than the second-best “BB” show to emanate from the American southwest. I’ll grant you all of that.

On the other hand, through three games Art Briles’ squad has scored 69, 70 and 70 points and have beaten up on FCS Wofford, the aforementioned Bulls (who gave Ohio State a decent game in the Horseshoe on August 31), and Louisana Monroe by an average margin of victory of 62 points, which is more than anyone else in the FBS is even scoring per game.

Even Oregon (a school that shares the same colors as Baylor, you know, when it chooses to wear them).

Which brings us to Lache Seastrunk. You remember him. He was the Texas teen who was involved with Will Lyles, whose “scouting service” Oregon thought so highly of that they sent him $25,000 in payment, which got the NCAA curious, which certainly helped Chip Kelly decide that the NFL was beckoning him. Seastrunk attended Oregon for a year, but raced back home to the Lone Star State.

He is now –and again, the competition has been feckless — averaging 11 yards per carry. That’ s a first down-and-change per carry, after 38 carries. Meanwhile, consider this. Oregon is No. 2 in the nation in scoring (59 ppg, behind Baylor, of course) but the Ducks lead the nation in rushing yards per game (332). As lethal as the Quack Attack is, can you imagine just how ridiculously scary they’d be if Seastrunk still played in Eugene?

Baylor hosts an actual football program, West Virginia, this Saturday in Waco. The line is 27 points. I’m curious.

Wheel People

David in his showroom: Most of his sales are in cash (hmm) and to people for whom English is, at best, a second language.

Fascinating interview this morning on CNBC’s “Squawk Box” with Brett David, a Lamborghini salesman out of Miami who sold $1 BILLION worth of those highest-end Italian vehicles by the age of 26. David commutes to work in a gold-plated Lambo –and that ain’t no bull…though, since it’s a Lamborghini, it kind of is— and his first sale, at age 17, was to Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliott. According to David, he spotted her and a broken-down Ferrari at a gas station and told her, “Ferraris are for people who want to be somebody. Lamborghinis are for people who already ARE somebody.”

Granted, David, who is just 25, got his precocious start because his father owned the business, Prestige Imports. But when his dad died of a heart attack in 2007 (the elder David blamed his early demised on the stress of running the business), David, then just 19, took over the business.

By the way, this story says his dad “died unexpectedly of a fourth heart attack.” Where are editors these days, I wonder?

This is David’s ride. If you have to ask…. okay, it’ll run you $550,000.

Anyway, in the younger David’s first full year in charge, auto sales jumped 400% and Prestige Imports became the top-selling Audi dealer in the U.S.A.

Twenty-five years old, wealthy, successful, and driving a gold-plated Lamborghini around the sexiest city in the U.S. Brett David is the Johnny Football of car salesman.

Shouldn’t he be a movie already?

5. “We have elected people to govern us who do not believe in government…”

Send in the clowns…

Charles Pierce in an Esquire blog with some vociferous words on “the reign of morons.” I’ll state a few points, then hang up and listen.

1. Whether or not you like or dislike the Affordable Health Care Act, it’s a LAW and it was upheld by the Supreme Court of the United States. If, as a U.S. Congressman, you fail to respect laws, well, that’s like Brett David not believing in internal combustion. Right now a certain faction of Congress –we know who they are — is THAT GUY who agrees to go to the concert with you as long as he gets to ride shotgun, and gets to pick what music you play on the way to the show, and where we will stop to eat, even though there are four other people in the car. And the thing about that guy? He’s a dick. Leave him home.

2. I don’t think I should be COMPELLED to purchase health care. I shouldn’t have to pay a penalty if I choose not to. And if I don’t, and am diagnosed with diabetes and/or cancer, well, I’ll head down to the local watering hole, purchase a draft beer, and raise a glass to Darwinism. Your right not to have to buy health insurance extends only as long as your willingness to step out on that limb. I’m all for hospitals refusing care to those of us who don’t.

3. The best health care out there is a sensible diet, steady exercise and a low level of stress. I say this as someone with a very close friend who enters chemotherapy treatment this morning (“Breast Cancer Awareness Month”, yeah, she knows) for her fourth bout with cancer. And she’s only 46.

Which is to say, I know genetics play a role. But after that, diet, exercise and a sensible lifestyle are the key contributors. If you want to tell government –which, by the way, is you and I — that it doesn’t have a right to tell you what sized soda you can jam down your gob hole, fine. But then I (again, I’m government; so are you) have a right to reply that I’m not throwing my money down the drain taking care of you afterward. You don’t let a bicycle sit out in the rain to gather rust and then take it into the bicycle shop and demand they fix it. Most bike owners are smarter than that.

That is all. Have an A-1 day.

Remote Patrol

Champions League: FC Copenhagen at Real Madrid

Fox Deportes  2:45 p.m.

The Danish champions’ initials are FCK. Real Madrid is coming off a La Liga weekend defeat at the feet of Atletico Madrid, which hadn’t beaten their neighbors since 1999. Gareth Bale is out with a thigh injury

Ronaldo is ready to cream Danish.

. Cristiano Ronaldo is not happy. This should be a clinic.