Starting Five

It’s a World Series, and there’s nine men, and the playing surface is green, but a full house is not a full count.

1. The World Series! Of Poker?

How do you know that ESPN is not televising the World Series, which begins tomorrow night? Because tonight ESPN is launching its live coverage of the final table of the World Series of Poker from Las Vegas. To be precise, this is the Main Event, where competitors play Texas Hold ‘Em (take one dose of “Rounders” and call me in the morning), the wildly addictive seven-card game.

More details: 6,352 humans entered the tournament, each posting a buy-in of $10,000. So that’s a prize pool worth $63,520,000. The winner will receive, besides the coveted gold bracelet, a cash prize of $8,359,531, or more than all but four St. Louis Cardinals will earn this season.

“If you can’t spot the sucker in the first half-hour at the table, then you ARE the sucker.”

Of the nine players at the final table, five are American. The other four are Canadian, Dutch, French and Israeli. The age range is quite similar to that of their World Series of Baseball compatriots. Six men are in their twenties and three are in their thirties, with the ages ranging from 23 year-old Ryan Riess, a Michigan State alum, to 38 year-old Amir Lehavot, who holds an engineering degree from the University of Texas.

Teddy KGB: “Want a cookie?”

2. Winless in the Sunshine State

Chad Henne. Jags QBs (Blaine Gabbert preceded him) have been sacked a league-worst 28 times0.

Now that the New York Giants have won a game, the NFL’s last two winless teams both reside in Florida. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers are 0-6 while the Jacksonville Jaguars are 0-7. The Jags’ point differential is a league-worst -146, meaning that they lose games by an average of 21 points per contest. A few weeks ago the advanced stats site Football Outsiders published stats that suggest the Jags are objectively the worst NFL team of the past-quarter century.

The Bucs, meanwhile, have been mired in a quarterback controversy –it’s not a coincidence that the Giants finally scored a win when the opposing team’s QB was a guy, Josh Freeman, who began the season as the Bucs starter– and a bacterial quagmire. An outbreak of MRSA (you like to refer to it as “Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus) has affected three players so that, yes, the Bucs’ season is chillingly mirroring that of “The Walking Dead.”

MRSA: The Bucs are literally showing the strain of a winless season.

So does this make Lawrence Tynes’ wife Creepy Clara?

MRSA is a staph infection. Head coach Greg Schiano is a staff infection (give it to me, okay, folks?).

After last Sunday’s loss at Atlanta, the Falcons sent a hazmat team in to the visitors’ locker room to disinfect it. If you’re a beat writer covering the Bucs and are still looking for a metaphor to capture the 2013 season, I can’t help you (however, the terminally witty G.A. actually IS a Buc beat writer and I expect nothing less than a fine epistle from him in today’s Comments section).

Honestly, have you ever stepped inside an NFL locker room? I would use a hazmat crew every damn week.

Tebow: “Here’s my number. Call me maybe.” And no, that is NOT a bong in the foreground.

The quantum of solace for the Bucs, Jags and their (remaining) respective fans? ESPN is only aware of the existence of about 10 NFL teams, neither of which are them, so the country is mostly oblivious to their season of putrid play. Also, you know, native Floridian Tim Tebow is STILL out there (what does it say about NFL GM’s faith in Tebow that neither of these franchises will take a flyer on him?)

In case you wondered, Jax and Tampa Bay do not play this season, giving both the opportunity to go 0-16.

3. Notre Dame: Unranked, But Extremely Handsome

      (as if you’re surprised)

Niklas: Notre Dame’s ungodly male-to-female ratio does not appear to adversely affect him.

It was the sage college football pundit Fernando (played by Billy Crystal) who once said, “It is better to look good than to feel good.”

While the Fighting Irish are not quite enjoying the success of last season’s 12-0 campaign (most of us alums cannot recall anything that occurred after the victory at USC), their 5-2 record is hardly awful. Plus, their two breakout offensive starts/cult figures/icons this season, tight end Troy Niklas and running back Cam McDaniel, are, I don’t know how else to say this, dreamy.

McDaniel: Brought the gun show home to Texas earlier this month.

I mean, these two could go pro, as the NCAA likes to say, in something other than sports, but if they do, it might just be as shirtless Hollister models. Niklas’ nickname among his own teammates is Hercules, while McDaniel, the former 5A Player of the Year in Texas (consider that the past two Heisman Trophy winners are Texans), is able to retain his chiseled features despite often finishing plays without his helmet. Check out this photo snapped by Jonathan Daniel from Saturday’s 14-10 win against Southern California).

The greeters at Hollister’s flagship store on 5th Ave in NYC. Seriously.

That’s the gridiron equivalent of Jesus riding a Harley through a ring of fire as zombies close in on him.

Oh, and exiled Fighting Irish quarterback Everett Golson is a handsome dude, too. Hurry back, Everett.

Before the 2013 season began, this was McDaniel’s lone SportsCenter moment.

4. “Reacharound.” “Hey Now.”

Better SVP said “Reacharound” here than “ménage a trois.”

Can you really blame SportsCenter anchors Steve Levy and Scott Van Pelt, alias “Bald Man on Campus”, for this exchange last night while narrating Vikings-Giants highlights? There had to have been at least two dozen pre-game tailgaters at Met Life Stadium who were throwing the ball more accurately than the Vikes’ Josh Freeman, who completed just 20 of his 53 passes. Freeman’s 37.7% completion rate was the worst in the NFL in six years. The last guy who had a lower completion rate in a game was his counterpart last night, Eli Manning.

5. Uptown Girl >>> Upton Girl

Brinkley: Soon-to-be Rookie of the Year on the Helen Mirren All-Stars.

This is Christie Brinkley, who will turn 60 in February, leaving the Today Show after an appearance yesterday morning. Forget that most people never look this good, ever. That no one looks this dazzling when they have to rise at 6 a.m. And that who on this planet looks this radiant at the age of 59? Crazy.

One can only imagine that Matt Lauer, 55, enjoyed this interview far more than he did talking to that twerk twerp Miley Cyrus. And, oh year, Kate Upton is 38 years younger than Brinkley.

Reserves

It’s going to be difficult to root against Florida in 2014-15, as Alpharetta, Ga., senior Zach Hodskins has announced that he is headed to Gainesville to play for Billy Donovan. The six-foot-two Hodskins, who as you can see was born without the lower half of his left arm, will arrive as a “preferred walk-on” with the opportunity to earn a scholarship later. Consider that the Gators are the only school in the past seven years to have won two national championships and that Hodskins averaged about 12 points per game last season ast a junior at Milton High.  Is Donovan extending an offer to a player who otherwise might not be good enough to play for the Gators. Perhaps. Does anyone have a problem with that? Let’s hope not.

An 18-foot long oarfish carcass is discovered off the coast of Catalina Island in southern California. Here in New York City, we discover 18-foot carcasses in the water but it usually means that three guys were tied together when they were dumped. This species usually lives at depths of 3,000 feet…below sea level, of course.

****

Peanuts

ESPN’s Brett McMurphy and his nine year-old daughter, Chesney, on ESPN’s College Gameday. As dad assessed, “That was pret-tee, pret-tee good.” Chesney appeared to discuss Northwestern’s peanut-free game at Ryan Field, because she is one of the 3 million Americans who suffer from nut allergies. Of course, but maybe, in the interest of fairness, I must give Louis CK equal time here.

***

On Sunday  Yahoo! Sports baseball columnist Jeff Passan tweeted, “Well, at least the storyline in this World Series won’t be old school vs. new school. It’ll be which city is more racist.” The first half of that tweet was a reference to the NLCS nontroversy between the Cardinals and Dodgers. The second half? Well, I’ll leave that to you.

ANYWAY…. Passan experienced more brushback from that tweet than A-Rod did from Ryan Dempster. To Passan’s credit –or perhaps he’s a Luddite like me– he has still not deleted that tweet. Seventeen hours ago Passan tweeted, “I apologize to Boston and St Louis. My intent wasn’t to offend and I know both cities’ fans and teams will provide a great World Series.”

That was his last tweet. It may be his last for awhile.

Earlier in the ALCS Passan had devoted an entire article to a racist Red Sox fan. But, you know, labeling an entire group of people because of the actions of one, well, that’s a little…I don’t know…prejudiced.

***

Yes, that’s a headstone in a cemetery.

So much just not right with this. Personally, I’d go for a Phineas & Ferb headstone, but that’s me.

Remote Patrol

The aforementioned WSOP airs at 9:30 p.m. Or you could watch Louisiana-Lafayette take on Arkansas State (ESPN2, 8 p.m.) because, after all, these are the top two teams in the Sun Belt Conference. Or you could bake cupcakes.

Starting Five

 

Simmons (L) and Leitch are not unfamiliar with a word or two about their respective pastime passions.

1. The World Series of Blogging

The Boston Red Sox and the St. Louis Cardinals will meet in the World Series, which begins Tuesday, for the second time the past decade. The Sawx, you may recall, swept the Stan the Mans the last time they met in October, in 2004.

This Fall Classic also represents a summit between sport’s two most successful bloggers. For the Fenway faithful, there’s Bill Simmons, alias “The Sports Guy” (2,271,000-plus Twitter followers), who is both the progenitor and the paragon of sports blogging. Here’s a Holy Cross alum who went from tending bar in Boston to basically becoming an unofficial vice president of ESPN. How’d he do it? Hard work and immense talent.

For the Busch Stadium faithful, there’s Matoon, Ill., native Will Leitch (46,552 followers), creator of Deadspin, the most influential sports blog yet to exist — just ask Lennay Kekua, if you can find her (Carl Monday is on the case).

In 2004, when the Red Sox won their first World Series since 1918, Simmons published his first book, “Now I Can Die In Peace”, which was all about his fandom. Last year Leitch unleashed a column about the Redbirds for USA Today, where he now works, titled, “My Team Is Better Than Yours.” Then just last week, after the site that he founded published a column titled “Why Your Cardinals Suck” (more mean-spirited good humor by Drew Magary), Letich was inspired to compose a letter of response, the blogging equivalent of a pitcher whose teammate has already been beaned retaliating by beaning someone on the other team.

Is there a way that neither team can win the World Series? Can we make that happen? Or can there at least be a prop bet as to which blogger publishes the more insufferably self-indulgent column in the next week?

2.The Joyful Luck Club

Colts-Broncos: Horse War!

The Indianapolis Colts defeated the Peyton Mannings last night in the most watched promo for a Carrie Underwood vehicle (she’s slated to play Maria Von Trapp in “The Sound of Music” on NBC!) ever aired, 39-33. You might say, as NBCSports., com does, that Indianapolis “stunned” the Broncos, but the Colts have now beaten San Francisco, Seattle and Denver who –sorry, Chefs — may be the three best teams in the NFL.

Besides the Colts, that is.

Andrew Luck: 21-38, 228 yards, 3 TDs, 0 INTs.

Peyton Manning: 29-49, 386 yards, 3 TDs, 9 INT.

What to remember: As the Broncos stormed back, Wes Welker made one of the most ridiculous catches that you will ever see. Also, the Wild Horses might have been able to recover from a 33-14 third-quarter deficit if not for Ronnie Hillman’s fumble at the Colt 3 (a Bronco score would have made it 39-37 with more than three minutes to play) or if not for defensive tackle Kevin Vickerson’s cheap shot on Andrew Luck on the ensuing series.

“That’s a killer right there,” opined Cris Collinsworth on NBC, and he’s right. Was Vickerson’s inadvertent bump-with-extra sauce on Luck mild? Sure. Did he need to put that extra oomph into it? Of course not, and he’d already committed two personal fouls in the game. I don’t think Vickerson is going to win the Walter Payton NFL Man of the Year Award this season.

3. Insane Clown Posse

After the first shot, a small banner with the word “BANG” unraveled from the barrel of the murder weapon.

An assassin posing as a clown at a children’s party in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, gunned down Mexican drug lord Francisco Rafael Arellano Felix over the weekend. Arellano Felix, 63, was the oldest brother in a family that is known as the Tijuana Cartel, one that controlled much of the drug trade in northern Mexico.

The killer, who apparently had two accomplices, did not honk a horn after firing the two bullets that felled Arellano Felix. He was last seen fleeing the scene on a tricycle (okay, not really, but how awesome would that have been?).

4. Too Soon To Worry

The Heisman Trophy winner will be a quarterback whose surname has seven letters. That much I can assure you.

The first BCS standing of the season, the last season that will feature BCS standings, were released last night. The order of the top five goes Alabama, Florida State, Oregon, Ohio State and Missouri. So of course pundits must weigh in on how Oregon will be able to waddle past the Seminoles, as if the season is already over.

It’s only just beginning, of course. Marathoners will tell you that the true halfway point of the 26.2-mile race is about Mile 18 (or even that that is where the odyssey actually begins), while this hoary college football observer will advise that the season only really begins now.

What you need to know:

–Ten undefeated teams remain. At least four, and most likely six, of them will face off.

Miami at Florida State on November 2.

Texas Tech at Baylor on November 16.

And,  Alabama or Missouri in the SEC Championship Game on December 7.

–Oregon still has three ranked teams on its schedule: UCLA, Stanford and Oregon State.

–Fresno State has no one remaining that has not already lost three games, but the Bulldogs must make up a postponed contest (flooding) with Colorado. If an FSU is headed to Pasadena, this is not the one.

–Northern Illinois faces Ball State, which is 7-1.

–Ohio State will sup on four Big Ten Leaders Division bottom-dwellers before heading to Ann Arbor on the final day of November. That could be interesting.

–If you were to rank teams by taking their Scoring Offense ranking plus their Scoring Defense ranking, with the lowest sums indicating the top teams, your three top schools would be…

1)  Florida State: 3 + 3 = 6

2) Baylor: 1 + 7 = 8

3) Oregon: 2 + 12 = 14

In Unranked Team news, Marqise Lee dropped this go-ahead TD pass, helping USC and Notre Dame play a scoreless 2nd half. Domers win, 14-10.

— The Grange Award winner frontrunners at this moment are all quarterbacks with six letters in their first name and seven letters in their last name. I don’t have an order for you, but alphabetically it’s Johnny Manziel, Marcus Mariota and Jameis Winston.

5. “Big” Fun

The performance was extremely loud and incredibly close.

Tom Hanks and Sandra Bullock, currently starring in the planet’s two biggest movies (“Captain Phillips” and “Gravity”), appeared on a British talk show last week and played piano with their feet. The presenter, as they are known in the UK, is Jonathan Ross. I think his first idea –have Hanks and Bullock pilot a double-decker bus  that cannot go slower than 80 Km/Hr through the streets of London — was better.

Reserves

What would Solomon Northup think about Arian Foster’s deal?

“I Own You!”

Interesting Friday edition of The New York Times. Inside you could read a glowing review of “12 Years a Slave”, the true story of Solomon Northup, who was a free black man living in upstate New York in 1841 when he was abducted and sold into slavery. You could also read, on page A-1, about a company that hopes to soon be selling stock in individual athletes. The company, Fantex Holdings, is already planning to issue an IPO on Houston Texans running back Arian Foster (who, despite that first name, is half African-American and half Hispanic), who will receive an upfront payment of $10 million in exchange for 20% of his future earnings.

Some 150 years since the Emancipation Proclamation, you can still own people in the United States. It’s just that now they’ll be paid handsomely for it.

–A dude named Nugent came into Ford Field and beat the Detroit Lions with a 54-yard field goal as time expired?!? Cat scratch fever from a Bengal.

–Notre Dame held USC to 0 for 11 on third downs after the Trojans’ opening series of the game, the only series in which USC scored a touchdown, as the Irish won 14-10. It was Notre Dame’s third defeat of Troy in the past four seasons, and yet their first win against the Fight Ons in South Bend since 2001. Neither side scored in the second half. Irish QB Tommy Rees was knocked out of the game early in the third quarter, and his replacement, Andrew Hendrix, answered “No” to that timeless musical question, Are You Experienced?

— New England lost in overtime to the New York Jets via an arcane rule that no one had ever seen invoked before. Karma is a bitch. As I tweeted yesterday, Upset Boston fans are my favorite people.

Whitfield may become the first player to catch a ball with his spleen.

–This touchdown catch by Stanford’s Kodi Whitfield defies at least four laws of physics.

Starting Five

Uehara’s five-out save in Game 5 was masterful.

1. The Mound is His Dojo

Fox’s Tim McCarver said it almost matter-of-factly, shortly after Boston Red Sox closer Koji Uehara trotted in from left field with one out in the eighth inning and the Sox clinging to a 4-3 lead in Game 5 of the ALCS. “(Uehara) has allowed fewer batters to reach base this season than any pitcher at any time in the history of baseball.”

That is, to quote Ron Burgundy, kind of a big deal, no?

Yes.

While 26 Major League relievers recorded more saves this season than Uehara’s 21 for Boston, his 0.57 WHIP (Walks + Hits Divided by Innings Pitched) in 74 innings was incredible. Consider that the Dodgers’ Clayton Kershaw, the game’s most dominant pitcher this season, had the lowest WHIP among starters at 0.92. As for ERA, Uehara’s 1.09 is also nearly half Kershaw’s 1.83.

And, before you go there, no other reliever had a lower WHIP, which is as vital a pitching stat as exists, than a 0.87 (Greg Holland of Kansas City).

Uehara, 38, also struck out 101 this season while issuing just nine free passes. No pitcher with more than 100 innings pitched has a higher CAREER strikeout-walk ratio than Uehara’s 8.74. Nobody. That’s kind of a big deal, too.

Last night Uehara, who only crossed the Pacific to play here in 2009, came on in relief and recorded five quick, uneventful outs, striking out two in the eighth and getting all three batters in the last half of the ninth to pop up. Nobody reached base.

In four postseason appearances and eight innings this month, Uehara has four saves and the lowest WHIP (0.50) of anyone. Dominant pitching has been the hallmark this October, and Uehara has been king of the hill.

2. Prince is a Postseason Pauper

Fielder has one extra-base hit in 37 ABs this October.

And then there’s Detroit Tiger first baseman Prince Fielder, who is positively A-Rod’dding all over the place since coming to Comerica last year. Batting cleanup behind the most terrifying hitter in baseball, Fielder still has just three RBI in two postseasons –he’s now into his fifth playoff series with Detroit. His RBI-less streak is now at 72 at-bats, as Jeff Passan of Yahoo! Sports points out.

And, of course, if Fielder has zero RBI, that also means he has zero home runs in those 72 ABs (he has one overall in two postseasons). And has earned –well, been paid, at least– $48 million for his two seasons in Detroit (in the regular season, the five-foot-eleven, 275-pound Teddy bear has been highly productive, averaging 27.5 home runs and 107 RBI).

Fielder has missed just one game the past four seasons. But in baseball, apparently, 80% of being successful is not just showing up. You need to drive in runs in October, too. Especially when you’re batting clean-up.

Austin Jackson: First MLBer in postseason with two state capitals I name since famed Seattle Pilot catcher Montpelier Baton Rouge.

Oh, and by the way, Austin Jackson? After Tiger manager Jim Leyland moved him from leadoff to eighth in the batting order, he reached base the first six times he came to the plate. Jackson reached base safely a total of seven consecutive times (his last time  batting first in Game 3 included), which is an MLB postseason record.

Who am I — or A.J. Pierzynski, who used the word “panic” — to question Jim Leyland?

3. Tate-Floyd Summit

Tate celebrates with the Spartan band after scoring the go-ahead TD.

The Seattle Seahawks defeated the Arizona Cardinals last night, 34-22. The teams’ leading receivers last night in terms of yardage were former Notre Dame teammates Michael Floyd of Arizona (six receptions, 71 yards) and Golden Tate of Seattle (four catches, 77 yards).

In their two seasons together, 2008 and 2009, the Irish would go just 13-12. Floyd did miss nine of those 25 games due to injury. Floyd is the school’s all-time leader in both receptions (271) and touchdown catches (37) while Tate, who left after winning the Biletnikoff Award as a junior, ranks third in both stats (157 and 26) behind current Cubs pitcher Jeff Samardzija.

(Charlie Weis was not a great coach, but his offenses did know how to fling it).

I’ll never forget the 2009 season opener, when the Irish somehow shut out a Nevada offense whose quarterback was Colin Kaepernick, 35-0, and Floyd hauled in touchdown passes of 70, 88 and 24 yards. The following day someone asked Weis if Michael Floyd was the greatest wide receiver in Notre Dame history.

Floyd has gone from pairing with Golden Tate to Larry Fitzgerald.

“Golden might take issue with that,” Weis replied.

(Oh, and the tight end on that team was current Minnesota Viking Kyle Rudolph, and his back-up was to have been current Detroit Lion Joseph Fauria, who transferred before the season; current UCLA stud Shaq Evans was also on that 2009 Notre Dame squad; no wonder Weis got canned).

3. The Colbert Rapport

Colbert and Dolan headline a white-collar crowd.

The third Thursday in October in New York City means the Al Smith Charity Dinner at the Waldorf-Astoria (I received an unvitation). Comedian Stephen Colbert spent some time at the podium, zinging his newest BFF, non-Arizona Cardinal Timothy Dolan –if you’re scoring at home, this is the powerful NYC-based Dolan who is NOT ruining the Knicks.

“I am America’s most famous Catholic,” said Colbert who, according to the New York Times, actually teaches Sunday school. “I know what the cardinal is thinking: Stephen, pride is a sin. Well, Cardinal, so is envy. So we’re even.”

Approximately 1,500 people paid $1,000 apiece to attend in support of ALS research.

“It’s like we all showed up at the same Halloween party dressed as the Monopoly guy,” quipped Colbert. “And you know that’s kind of fitting because the Wall Street guys apparently have a get-out-of-jail free card.”

4. The Canes Survive

Crawford rushed for two touchdowns and 137 yards in place of injured starter Duke Johnson.

If you watched unbeaten Miami survive the dreaded higher-ranked-team-visits-unranked-team-on-ESPN-Thursday gauntlet, you may be impressed with 1) their ability to get the job done and 2) backup running back Dallas Crawford, but not much else.

The Canes may be 6-0, but they certainly didn’t resemble a top 10 team –quarterback Stephen Morris threw four picks and the defense was gutted for 500 yards by a 1-4 team. Still, the Canes overcame a 10-point fourth quarter deficit to win, 27-23.

Three quick thoughts: 1) Jesse Palmer noted that Crawford could start for 85% of the teams in FBS, and I agree. Injured starter Duke Johnson must be some kind of awesome to relegate Crawford– who showcased a blend of quick feet, creative spins and straight-ahead power–to the bench. 2) UNC was driving late in the third quarter for a TD that would’ve put them up 14 and David Pollock accurately stated, “Miami is gassed.” The Heels got to about the five-yard line, and then the quarter ended. It felt like the reprieve The U needed. At the start of the fourth quarter the D held UNC to a field goal and the Heels never again threatened. 3) Part of this loss is on coach Larry Fedora: the Heels face a third-and-one late, and a first down means that at best the Canes, still trailing by three, will get the ball back with maybe two minutes to play. Fedora subs out a QB and there’s quickly a delay of game penalty (now 3rd-and-five) followed by a false start (3rd-and-10) by a right tackle who was afraid of getting beaten on the rush, which he was on the very next play, for a sack. It should never have come to that.

5. Mystery Solved? Not Yeti

Yeti: Still angry that his agent was unable to land him a beef jerky ad campaign.

Apparently scientists, using DNA as opposed to the Old Testament, have determined that the famed and mysterious Yeti may be a hybrid descendant of an ancient polar bear. If this mystery is ever solved, third-grade boys will have one fewer thing to be obsessed over, and their big three will become Sasquatch, the Loch Ness Monster and, of course, farts.

Reserves

Sorry, Wrigleyville: That’s “Cuba”, not “Cubs.” Abreu will play on the South Side.

Hottest Diamond Mine? Cuba

Mark Cuban is still the wealthiest Cuban in sports, regardless of whether or not he indulges in insider trading — but the gap is narrowing. Ken Rosenthal of Fox Sports reported last night that the Chicago White Sox are going to sign Cuban defector Jose Abreu to a six-year, $68 million deal, the most lucrative contract ever signed by an international player with zero MLB experience. Then there’s Yasiel Puig of the Dodgers and Jose Iglesias of Detroit, who could meet in the World Series. As well as Yoenis Cespedes of the A’s. All Cubans.

Remote Patrol

NBC: Nothing But Cardinals

Central Florida at No. 8 Louisville

ESPN 8 p.m.

and

Game 6, NLCS: Los Angeles at St. Louis

TBS  8 p.m.

Glucose for comfort: Bridgewater and the Cards overcame this hit to defeat the Gators in last January’s Sugar Bowl.

Teddy Bridgewater and the ‘ville face their toughest test of the season and, perhaps symbolically, they won’t even be the most-watched Cardinals on the air as they play. That’s because sensational rookie Michael Wacha will take the mound for the Redbirds against Clayton Kershaw and the Dodgers as they attempt to stave off elimination. Note: Last October the Cards blew a 3-1 lead in the NLCS.

Starting Five

Is this assembly any sillier than the House of Representatives?

1. Let’s Make A Deal

The government shutdown ends, as the Democrats and Sane Republicans defeat the Batshit Cray-cray Republicans, 285-144. Baylor and Oregon immediately phoned to say that if they were to meet in a bowl game, they’d beat that Over. All 188 Dems voted in favor of the bill, which basically just kicks the can down the road until January 15, at which point we will once again be inundated with interviews of Chuck Schumer, John Boehner, Ted Cuz, John McCain, Paul Ryan and Eric Cantor.

Obamacare seems to have no shortage of glitches, but even hard-line Republicans concede that they chose the wrong fight at the wrong time and terrorized the wrong group (namely, us) in their war against it.

This pair would solve Obamacare and the budget. Now if only they could realize how PERFECT they are for one another!

My two (more) cents: This entire crisis might have been averted if Dr. Gregory House were still practicing medicine at the Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital in New Jersey. Surely, Dr. Cudd(l)y could have crunched the numbers with him.

2. Rice Capades

Is Dr. Rice doing her own impression of First Down Moses here?

College Football, 1988: Tony Rice.

College Football, 2013: Condi Rice.

One of Tony Rice’s three Sports Illustrated covers from the 1988 season.

A quarter century ago, the Notre Dame quarterback made the cover of Sports Illustrated three times. Not bad considering that he failed to finish in the top ten in Heisman Trophy balloting, and I’m fairly certain that the dual-threat (actually, Tony’s legs were his lone threat) QB is the last college athlete to make the cover of that publication thrice in one season. The magazine’s managing editor at the time, Mark Mulvoy, may have been a Boston College alum, but he knew on which side his bread was buttered.

Twenty-five years later, Condoleezza Rice, who attended college at a school that does not even field a football program (University of Denver), is one of the biggest names in college football after she became the lone female named to the 13-member panel.

Thoughts:

–First, I’m astounded by the sheer volume of lock-step columns by big-time media members in favor of both Rice and the panel in general. Does anyone see that this panel was named not with the idea of most qualified but rather with the idea of being most reputable? One year from now the panel is going to have to make a very unpopular decision, specifically regarding who is the final, or fourth, school selected to the inaugural four-team playoff and who will be the first one or two schools left hanging (schools whose won-loss records may be identical than School No. 4, or even better).

At that point the primary concern of the oligarchs who run the sport will be that the committee who selected these teams be composed of individuals who are above reproach. We may assail their acumen, but not their integrity. Because if any of these individuals were to appear compromised, who knows, the government might step in.

I’m fine with this as the CFB Selection Committee

–Honestly, I’d get the dude from the “It’s Not Complicated” ads to chair this committee. Why? Because IT’S NOT COMPLICATED!

1) Won-Loss Record

2) Strength of Schedule

Those are the only two metrics that truly matter. Someone on the committee yesterday actually noted that offensive point production may be taken into account. WRONG! Already they are screwing this up, by the way.

–Andy Staples’ mullet-sporting cousin, Randy Staples, would do as fine a job as any panelist. Of that I’m sure.

–How easy is this, and how much is college football overthinking this? Here’s last year’s December Harris Poll rankings: You take Notre Dame, since they’re the only AQ school that is undefeated; Alabama, since the Crimson Tide are 12-1 and champions of the nation’s strongest conference, the SEC; Oregon, since the Ducks are 11-1 and their lone loss was in overtime to Stanford. Why not Stanford, which beat the Ducks? Because the Cardinal have two losses. See the above set of parameters. Finally, it’s a choice between 11-1 Florida and 11-1 Kansas State. I’m going with the Wildcats, who went 4-0 versus Top 25 foes as opposed to the Gators, who went 4-1.

You can argue that Florida’s eight-point loss on a neutral field to a Top 25 foe, Georgia, is more respectable than K-State’s blowout loss at unranked Baylor. And I can argue that a road loss and an undefeated record versus Top 25 competition is more impressive. The point? No one is empirically correct. It’s opinion. And this is the type of scrutiny that the committee, even if it had Oprah and Dalai Lama, will be unable to avoid next year and in the years after…until the field expands to eight teams.

–If you are searching for Dr. Rice, she teaches Global Strategy (GSBGEN 203) in Room 102 of the Gunn Building on the campus of Leland Stanford University, Tuesdays and Fridays from 3:15 p.m. to 5 p.m. Ask questions about whether Alabama’s SOS is valid if you are attempting to sidetrack her.

3 David is Goliath

Gladwell: He’s fast and he’s fifty.

Not a bad six weeks or so for author Malcolm Gladwell. On September 3rd he turned Jodie Foster (50 years old). Twenty days later he clocked a 5:03 in the Fifth Avenue Mile, finishing in the “Blink” of an eye. The Canuck finished 11th in his 50-54 year-old age group. And he currently has the No. 2 non-fiction book on the New York Times bestseller list, “David and Goliath.” Tops on the list is Bill O’Reilly’s “Killing Jesus”, but how fast is his mile time? (O’Reilly’s, not Jesus’)

4. One-Hit Wonderful

Timing is everything.

Ask Boston Red Sox designated hitter David Ortiz. Through four games of the American League Championship Series, Big Papi is batting one-for-15 with one walk. When you consider that he does not play a position in the field, and that his only base hit was a home run (you may have heard about it), Ortiz has probably spent just a few minutes on the actual diamond through the ALCS.

But it doesn’t matter. Through four games he is still probably the MVP of this series. His one hit –on the first pitch he saw from David Joaquin Benoit–altered the landscape of the entire series.

LA won, meaning there’d be no Mouseke-tears in Chavez Ravine yesterday.

By the way, three of the four home runs hit by the Los Angeles Dodgers yesterday were smote by players who were on the Red Sox’ rawster at the start of last season. Adrian Gonzalez, who smote two, mimicked Mickey Mouse ears (the white gloves were a nice touch) after bashing the longest HR hit in Dodger Stadium this season, a response to Cards’ pitcher Adam Wainwright saying that he’d done “Mickey Mouse stuff” in Game 3. Listen, this is Magic’s Kingdom, after all.

5. Not on NBCOlympics.com

Buzzfeed –yes, I have referenced the site on consecutive days –has photos of Sochi, site of the 2014 Winter Olympics that begin in just four months, and it looks as if their Olympic organizing committee is going to be pulling a few all-nighters between now and the Opening Ceremony on February 7.

Yes, that’s Lolo Jones and, yes, you’ll be seeing lots of her in the coming months.

To be fair, this is not out of the ordinary when it comes to Olympics preparation. Greece was hardly in better shape for the Athens Games of 2004 and that went off wonderfully.

Remote Patrol

Game 5, ALCS: Red Sox at Tigers

FOX 8 p.m.

Sanchez was peerless at Fenway but pedestrian in his most recent start at Comerica.

Pox on Sox and Sox on Fox…and Dr. Seuss would have gone mad trying to rhyme anything with “Tigers.” Detroit starter Anibel Sanchez struck out 12 and walked six in six innings of no-hit ball in Game 1, a 1-0 bengal win. The last pitcher to strike out AND walk that many hitters in one postseason game was Walter Johnson of the Washington Senators in 1924. Not bad company, The Big Train.

*77th anniversary of Phyllis. Keep on rockin’ in the free world, Mom!

Starting Five

Punto failed to return to 2nd base in–wait for it–the Nick of time.

 1. Italian-American Baseball Update: Napoli Up, Punto Down

(and just one day after Columbus Day)

Both the Los Angeles Dodgers and Detroit Tigers were home last night for key games in their respective league championship series.

The Tigers had a man on first base, no outs, the winning run at the plate, in the bottom of the ninth inning. The Dodgers were in nearly the exact same position, except that it was the tying run.

The Tigers had their hottest hitter, Jhonny Peralta, at bat. The Dodgers had rookie phenom Yasiel Puig.

Both batters hit into soul-sucking double players. The following batters struck out. Games over.

Except that in “The Postseason”, there are earlier turning points that presage doom and we can all feel them. At Comerica Park, it was when the Tigers had first and third, one out, one inning earlier. Up stepped their two best hitters, reigning MVP Miguel Cabrera and clean-up hitter Prince Fielder. Both whiffed. Even though the score was 1-0, it felt like, “Ballgame.”

Mike Napoli’s blast provided the decisive run in the ALCS’ second 1-0 outcome in its first three games.

In Los Angeles Nick Punto doubled with one out in the bottom of the seventh. The Dodgers had the tying run at bat.  Then Card pitcher Carlos Martinez, the reincarnation of Joaquin Andujar, and shortstop Daniel Descalo executed a perfect pick-off play. Threat over.

Worth noting: Tiger aces Max Scherzer and Justin Verlander have worked 15 innings and allowed two earned runs. Their teams lost both starts.

Dodger aces Zach Greinke and Clayton Kershaw have worked 14 innings and allowed two earned runs. Their teams lost both starts.

The four aces, two of whom will likely win the Cy Young Award this season and the other two who already have won that award, have a collective ERA of 1.24 in their present series, but their teams are a collective 0-4 in their starts.

Icelandic communities all across the USA went bonkers after Johannsson’s equalizer in stoppage time.

2. PANAMANIA!

Here was the scenario: Mexico was in the process of losing a World Cup qualifier to Costa Rica, 2-1. The USA was simultaneously losing to Panama by the same score. The difference being that the Americans had already qualified for next summer’s World Cup. A Panama victory would keep Mexico home from the World Cup for the first time since 1982. The USA needed to rally to tie.

(Meanwhile, at the cookoutateria, I was bitching at our Mexican bartender, Oswaldo, who insisted that both televisions be tuned to the Mexico-Costa Rica contest, while I lobbied hard for Red Sox-Tigers. Believe me, this was as intense as anything taking place on the pitch.)

De Nada, Mexico: The USA’s arch-rivals in soccer suddenly owe Uncle Sam a huge favor. And you thought NAFTA was generous.

Luis Tejada of Panama, which has never advanced to the World Cup, scored in the 83rd minute to give Panama a 2-1 lead. All that remained to ensure that PANAMANIA!!! would break out in the isthmus was for the hosts to hold on for the final seven minutes plus three minutes of stoppage time. Panama retained the lead through regulation, but the Americans scored not once but twice in the three minutes of stoppage time: Graham Zusi scored the equalizer, which effectively knocked out Panama, and then Aron Johannsson drove in the dagger in the final minute.

The Yanks get a win that they did not actually need. The Panamanians get heartache. And Mexico gets a home-and-home play-in versus New Zealand to see which nation will advance to the 2014 World Cup in Brazil.

3. Up Late with Alec Baldwin: It’s ‘Tomorrow’ without the Cigarettes

Alec needs to recreate the opening scene from “Diner” with brothers Daniel, Billy and Stephen.

After this role-play scene between Jack Donaghy and Tracy Jordan, I was willing to give the A-List Baldwin bro as much rope as he wants in playing this latest role: cable talk show host. He doesn’t need it. Alec Baldwin’s debut episode of “Up Late With Alec Baldwin” last Friday night, with guest NYC mayoral race frontrunner Bill de Blasio, was smart and decaffeinated talk TV.

Tom Snyder: Yes, this was a fashionable look in 1979.

While the set resembles Edward Hopper’s classic 1942 painting, “Nighthawks”, the vibe reminded me of Tom Snyder’s old late-night one-on-one chat fest on NBC, “Tomorrow.” Only a matter of time before Saturday Night Live is spoofing this. Put Drunk Uncle in an adjoining booth as Baldwin attempts to converse with POTUS.

Incidentally, if you are wondering whether de Blasio is a Democrat or Republican, his wife is an African-American who was a lesbian when they met. As Tracy Morgan would say, “Whoaaa, no need to resort to ugly stereotypes.”

4. Barry Manilow Did Not Write The Song “I Write The Songs”

Bruce Johnston did.

This fact and 18 other bizarre ones courtesy of Buzzfeed.com.

Banksy thanks a patron of his art. She should be thanking him.

Yesterday the social media site had a terrific post about the British artist Banksy, who decided to stage a piece of performance art just outside Central Park last weekend. The sketch artist, whose works have sold for as much as $2 million, posed anonymously as a street vendor and hawked his works for $60. He even posted photos of the sale on his blog (see October 13).

5. Catholics Vs Convicts, 25 Years Later

Walsh sold the T-shirts for $10 apiece.

Yesterday was the 25th anniversary of the epic showdown between No. 1 Miami and No. 3 Notre Dame in South Bend. Last night I was fortunate enough to record a podcast with the former Dillon Hall resident/Notre Dame student, Pat Walsh (’89), who was the enterprising genius behind the iconic T-shirts. Among other things you’ll learn if you listen:

–the term was the brainchild of former Notre Dame basketball co-captain Joe Fredrick, a good friend of Walsh’s.

–On game day Walsh enlisted a sales force of 33 friends and sold more than 5,000 T-shirts. He sold out of the items before kickoff and so attended the game in person.

As ’80s Chicagoland underground entrepeneurs go, Pat Walsh >> Joel Goodson.

–Today Walsh, a Chicago-area native who out-Joel Goodson’ed Joel Goodson (“Sometimes you just gotta say, ‘What the f___?'”) personally owns just one original “Catholics vs Convicts” t-shirt.

I’ll have the entire interview up later today on The Grotto.

Remote Patrol

Game 5 NLCS: Cardinals at Dodgers

TBS 4 p.m.

Holliday. Celebrate. Holliday.Celebrate.

Look at it this way: We may be only nine innings away from Magic Johnson having very little to occupy his time for the next few months. Plus, don’t you want to see Clayton Kershaw pitch again this season? Root for the Dodgers. Root for Magic. Unless you want to see the Cardinals in the Fall Classic –this quickly– for the fourth time in the past decade.