Starting Five

1. Bolt of Lightning, Bolt.

Jamaica’s Bolt wins the men’s 100M in an electrically charged atmosphere in Moscow.

The photographer’s name is Olivier Morin and you can bet your tush this morning that he knows the definition of serendipity. On Sunday night at the World Track & Field Championships in Moscow, the French photographer snapped, with an assist from Mother Nature, one of the true iconic photographs of all time. For all the times that Jamaica’s Usain Bolt has celebrated a victory in a 100M or 200M race by posing as a lightning “bolt” strike for photographers, this unstaged photograph of the sky saluting him back will forever be the one that sports fans remember. It is track’s equivalent to Muhammad Ali looming over a downed Sonny Liston.

Before Bolt stepped into the starting blocks for the men’s 100M final at the World Track & Field Championships at Moscow’s Luzhniki Stadium, Morin set up five cameras at his post just around the turn and beyond the finish line. He and all the photographers were aware of the thunderstorms taking place — Bolt won the sprint in 9.77 seconds in a driving rain — but the odds of capturing a lightning strike while also landing Bolt in the frame were remote.

When SI did a theme issue of the century’s best sports photos, this Neil Leifer shot adorned the cover. By chance, Leifer, like Morin, was in the right place at the right time.

‘I’m editing…the remote  cameras on this laptop after (from trackside). I went  through all of the remotes (cameras) and this is the last one,” Morin told The Daily Mail. “‘I didn’t see all of it at first when it was the  small images. I just saw Bolt in the frame, because the  image was a small size.  I say “Ok, Bolt is in and he looks sharp”. Then I open the picture and say  “Ooo”. There’s lightning there.”

Morin, who has shot for AFP for 24 years, has his career-defnining shot. ‘The only thing I am responsible for  is the  framing and the timing of pressing the button (for the remote  camera). The rest  is out of my control. The god of weather was with me  last night.”

2. Eldrick’s Elegy

Woods has one 2nd-place finish, and no better, in the past 18 majors.

Eldrick “Tiger” Woods has won five PGA tournaments in 2013. No other duffer –or Dufner — on the PGA Tour has won more than two. So, if you win 150% more often than the next most successful golfer on the world’s most prestigious golf circuit, that is fairly dominant.

Unless you’re Tiger Woods. If you are Tiger Woods, you must win majors.

Last week Woods, 37, won the Bridgestone Invitational by seven strokes, including a round in which he shot a career-low 61. This weekend, however, Woods finished 40th at the PGA Championship. He putted out his final-round 70 before the leaders even teed off. Woods has now gone 70 months and 22 majors (although he missed four of them) since winning the U.S. Open at Torrey Pines in June of 2008. The world’s No. 1-ranked golf remains stuck at 14 majors, which remains four shy of Jack Nicklaus’ mark of 18.

There are those who will say that he squandered five years of his prime — in 2008 most observers imagine he would have caught Nicklaus by now — due to his reckless off-course lifestyle (to be fair, a knee injury shelved him for the remainder of 2008). They may be correct. But Woods’ problem is not that he has lost his talent; Tiger simply has lost his flair for burning bright on golf’s four grandest stages –The Masters, the U.S. Open, the British Open and the PGA Championship.

Now he only has to wait nine more months until Augusta, until his next opportunity. It says here that he will somehow, someday at least tie Nicklaus. Age isn’t the factor it used to be in golf — Tiger’s fitness will be fine. And, after all, he’s still the world’s best player.

Will “2nd-Most Majors Won” be Eldrick’s Epitaph? I don’t believe so.

3. So That’s Where You’ve Gone, James DiMaggio

Fugitive-of-the-Week winner James Lee DiMaggio, who was on the run with 16 year-old Hannah Anderson, was shot and killed by an FBI agent in the

wilderness about 70 miles north of Boise, Idaho, this weekend. DiMaggio, 40, who allegedly killed Anderson’s mother and eight year-old brother and then burned

down his own house with their bodies in it last week, about 50 miles east of San Diego, had kidnapped Anderson, with whom he was smitten. As the pair drove

north from San Diego to Idaho, one wonders if DiMaggio ever heard any updates on the Ariel Castro sentencing on the radio. Creep and killer gets his due.

4. The Annotated Newsroom

In which an entire episode –aptly titled “News Night with Will McAvoy” — transpires around a singular “News Night” broadcast, providing a real-time “Inside

Baseball” glance a the genre. The episode jumps ahead six months (March 16, 2012) from the previous episode, so apparently nothing newsworthy occurred in

that interim. Someone should tell that to the Penn State football program.

The Most Trusted Name in Fake News…after John Oliver

1) Sandra Fluke

A women’s rights activist who was the object of sexist slurs by ultra-conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh (who among us hasn’t been?). Maggie references

her to Jim because Streep 2.0 has been focusing on Fluke in her columns.

2) Alicia Keys, Halle Berry, etc.

Attractive female celebrities who have either exhibited nip or, nip’s new and improved voyeuristic sibling, sideboob.

3) Roswell

A town in southeastern New Mexico where aliens really landed. Because I saw “Paul” and it’s all true!

4) Pat Buchanan’s book

A “News Night” guest proffers that the MSNBC host was canned due to a book that he wrote, and that is why conservatives are afraid to speak their minds in

The book in question was titled “Suicide of a Superpower: Will America Survive to 2025?”  (I’ll take America and give the points) and the chapter that

Buchanan at cable TV news’ unemployment doorstep was a chapter named “The End of White America”, an excerpt of which I will provide here:

For what is a nation?

Is it not a people of a common ancestry, culture, and language who worship the same God, revere the same heroes, cherish the same history, celebrate the same holidays, share the same music, poetry, art, literature, held together, in Lincoln’s words, by “bonds of affection … mystic chords of memory, stretching from every battle-field, and patriot grave, to every living heart and hearth-stone”?

Buchanan was canned in January of 2012.

5) “You’ve got moxie, kid, and that’s our lede…”

Kate Hepburn: In the Moxie Hall of Fame

Aaron Sorkin definitely has a thing for 1930s and 1940s comedies and the banter between male and female leads. Here he is basically channeling “Woman of the Year”, (1942) the zenith of the Katharine Hepburn-Spencer Tracy films, in which the two played rival reporters at the same newspaper. Check out this delightful little snippet of dialogue and remember, these are the darkest days of World War II:

Tess (Hepburn): “You mean our paper sends two people to cover the game?”

Phil (another actor, who will refer to Tracy here): “No, I cover the game, he just kicks it around in his column.”

Tess: “We’ve got only one man at Vichy.”
Sam (Tracy): “Vichy? Are they still in the league?”

6) “Baba Booey, Mother%#&(*%!”

The “News Night” crew nabs a man and woman who attempted to pull a prank by posing as a Syrian couple who had intimate knowledge of a Middle East bombing. This is a reference to Howard Stern’s loyal fans, who have pulled off this stunt multiple times and announced it by proclaiming “Baba Booey!” on air. Baba Booey was a Stern sidekick, real name Gary Dell’Abate, who first initiated the stunt.

7) Bonnie and Clyde

Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway. It’s a classic.

A real-life glamorous gangster couple from the 1930s, immortalized in Warren Beatty’s eponymous film from 1967. McKenzie compares the crank-yanking callers to them.

5. “And another thing about air travel…”

Speaking of moxie, Virgin Atlantic announced that it will add live stand-up comics (unless, we presume, there is turbulence, at which point they will do their act while safely donning seat belts) on its London-to-Manchester flights. Remember, your seat cushion can also be used as a hurling device.

Reserves

The final-half season premiere of “Breaking Bad” took place last night. We have yet to view it. More on that tomorrow.

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What if I told you that the New York Yankees would play a three-game weekend series against the Detroit Tigers, the hottest team in the American League (entered with a 13-game win streak) in which they never entered the bottom of the ninth inning with the lead? How many of those games would you think the Yankees won? Turns out they took two of three, thanks to a pair of game-winning (a.k.a. “walk off”) hits by Brett Gardner, including yesterday’s solo home run with two outs in the bottom of the ninth.

Of course, I’ve buried the lede: Mariano Rivera blew both of his save opportunities, on Friday night and Sunday, and surrendered three home runs in those two games, two of them to Miguel Cabrera.

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Megalodon: Putting the “faux” in fauxtographic evidence.

If you missed “Megalodon” during The Discovery Channel’s “Shark Week”, it was a faux documentary about how a trio of marine biologists (one of whom bore an eerily uncomfortable resemblance to Dane Cook) were in search of the 60-foot shark that went extinct millions of years ago. A lot of viewers were upset by it, but I think the fact that you could see the shore from their vessel while searching for a prehistoric shark was a dead giveaway. As were the chum bazookas. As one viewer tweeted, and cheers to Discovery for airing the tweet, “The director of Blair Witch Project thinks Megalodon is the worst Blair Witch movie ever.”

****

Cain, far left, is a studious senior-to-be at Bronxville High School , just north of New York City.

Mary Cain: 17 years old, a high school senior-to-be, and she has advanced to the semi-finals of the women’s 1500 meters at the World Track & Field Championships in Moscow. Cain, who in May ran a 4:04.62 1500, which is both the American high school and junior record, is the youngest person ever to represent the U.S.A. at the Worlds. Keep an eye on her. A legend in the making.

Starting Five

Hour 41 of “Football On Your Phone” playing inside my head.

1. The Max Factor

The Summer of Max continues…

Max Scherzer of the Detroit Tigers stands for two things in 2013: Wins and Run Support. He leads the majors in both categories. Last night the A.L. ace easily secured his 17th victory (17-1) as the Tigers provided him with 10 runs, moving his per game average to 6.17. He becomes just the second hurler in MLB history to begin a season 17-1, joining Roger Clemens (2001) and Don Newcombe (1955).

The question is, Why does baseball put more stock in Wins over ERA for pitchers? Sixteen hurlers, for example, have lower ERAs than Scherzer this season.

Have you ever noticed how baseball makes 300 wins a hallowed perch? Twenty of the 24 300-game winners in baseball history are in the Hall of Fame, while three of the remaining four (Tom Glavine, Randy Johnson, Greg Maddux) soon will be. Roger Clemens may be out of luck.

Meanwhile, few observers laud the Sub-2.40 ERA Club, which has just 27 members in Major League history, most of whom were born in the 19th century. Worth noting: Only one member of the Sub-2.40 ERA Club is currently active and he is the highest-ranked pitcher born after the Titanic sunk. That pitcher? Mariano Rivera of the New York Yankees, whose career 2.20 ERA puts him at 11th. Curmudgeonly baseball scribes who are contemplating not making Mo the first unanimous first-ballot HoF’er should remember that.

Ruth was nearly as dominant on the hill.

By the way, the pitcher just five spots below Mo on the list of baseball’s all-time lowest ERAs, at No. 16? George Herman “Babe” Ruth, with an ERA of 2.28.

2. Get Plucky

Matt Damon: Every late-night host’s best friend.

What do you do when the French duo Daft Punk cancels its gig to perform the summer’s second-biggest hit (after “Football On Your Phone”) on your late-night cable talk show (The Colbert Report) because it has a conflicting date to appear as a surprise guest on another network (MTV) that is also owned by your parent company (Viacom)? If you are Stephen Colbert hosting Stephest Colbchella, you refer to them as “The Artist Formerly Booked as Daft Punk”, claim you’ve been “Daft Punk’d”, and then  you enlist your NYC-based pals to partake in a video dance party that far surpasses what two guys dressed as Darth Vader might have brought to the table, anyway.

3. BYU Dismisses “Tradition”, “Spirit” and “Honor”

Would you really deprive us of “MANUMALEUNA”, Coach Mendenhall?

BYU coach Bronco Mendenhall arrived at practice yesterday with a surprise for his Cougars: new jerseys that would no longer feature their surnames on the back, but instead the school’s core values of “Tradition”, “Spirit” and “Plural Marr–“Honor.” And nearly to a man the brawny men of Provo responded with a sideways, “Grrrrreeeaaaaaaaat.”

Linebacker Kyle Van Noy, a preseason first-team All-American and by far BYU’s most influential personage, told Jay Drew of the Salt Lake Tribune, “I am not really sure how I feel about them yet.” Remember when your parents gave you that chemistry set for Christmas? Yeah, that’s how Van Noy felt.

By day’s end Mendenhall had performed the equivalent of the Day After Christmas exchange, promising to only bring out the core value jerseys for homecoming. Smart move.

4. Pound for Pound

I’m not even gay and I think Real Madrid should play all its games shirtless. Just paint a “7” on his back.

Real Madrid, home of the world’s most famous handsome athlete –and arguably its top striker — Cristiano Ronaldo, 28, is interested in adding the most famous handsome soccer player/top striker of the future to its roster. That would be Gareth Bale, 24, (noted MH man-crush object) of Tottenham Hotspurs by way of Wales.

Real Madrid is offering 86 million pounds, or $133.3 million for Bale. Tottenham, whose owners met with Real Madrid’s owners in the exotic European region known as Florida this week, are seeking 100 million pounds, or $155 million.

Ronaldo would give his new mate some pointers on preening.

“Seems a lot,” said Real Madrid president Florentino Perez, which is a much different reaction than “No deal.” Our guess is that the two sides meet somewhere around 95 million pounds (Real Madrid paid 80 million pounds to acquire Ronaldo from Manchester United four years ago) and that Spain’s capital city becomes a universal nexus of Handsome that may cause the earth to tilt off its axis.

5. White Collar Miracle Worker?

Authorities in Missouri are asking citizens to be on the lookout for this man.

In the “Show Me” State, a Catholic priest arrives at the rural scene of a vehicular accident, offering prayers for the driver who was trapped in her Mercedes and anointing her with oil. Shortly thereafter emergency crews free Katie Lentz, 19, from the car and the priest has disappeared. Vanished. The highway had been blocked off for a quarter-mile in either direction and the priest’s figure does not appear in any photos taken at the crash site.

This is the greatest Missouri Miracle since 1997, when Nebraska beat the Tigers on that touchdown pass that was kicked into the air.

Starting Five

1. The 140-Character Club

There just not right.

Excellent job by the CNBC crew and host Carl Quintanilla (@carlquintanilla) on last night’s one-hour documentary, “The Twitter Revolution.” As television producer extraordinaire Mark Burnett told them, “Twitter actually is the real-time water-cooler conversation of young America.”

I’d omit the word “young”, but you get his point. As I’ve often said, written and tweeted, “Twitter is to the internet what the internet was to the computer. It is simply the most radical invention of the 21st century.”

Why? Because Twitter, more efficiently than any tool ever invented, connects the entire planet. There is no faster or more efficient means of providing information. Better than television, better than telephones, better even than the internet.

Notes worth repeating:

A) Only 16% of Americans on-line are on Twitter.

B) Justin Bieber has the most followers at 42 million-plus.

C) Approximately 70% of Twitter users live outside the United States.

D) The show’s first 10-15 minutes focus on the Boston bombing and Twitter’s role in it. Fantastic stuff.

E) I was a little disappointed that, to showcase stupidity, the doc used a screen grab of a Tweet that read “You’re a moron.” There are countless “Your a moron” tweets out there or twit pics such as the one above.

F) In just the past 48 hours, Jay Bilas of ESPN may have instigated a turning point in NCAA amateurism with his tweets about the NCAA store. If I were ESPN I’d be doing a Twitter documentary myself focusing on how it has transformed and affected sports.

“The Twitter Revolution” will re-air on Friday night at 8 p.m.

2) Two Jays in L.A.

Jay has a few beefs, as he used to say when he appeared on Letterman back in the 1980s

In Burbank, an outstanding interview of President Barack Obama by Jay Leno of “The Tonight Show” on Tuesday evening, an interview that took up the entire program. Matt Drudge tweeted “State of the art: Leno asked tougher questions than New York Times.”

(the above link is to Part 1 of the interview; from there you will be able to access Parts 2-6)

After lobbing one birthday-related softball at 44, Leno asked concise, sharp questions on: embassy closings, Benghazi, the NSA, Edward Snowden (“Some call him a whistleblower: What do you call him?”), the use of private contractors, the G20 Summit, Russia declaring homosexuality illegal, the economy, the failure of Congress to pass laws to help restore our national infrastructure, health care and Trayvon Martin.

Leno almost never cracked wise –he did show a picture of Obama and Putin sitting grimly together at a presser and likened it to his meeting with NBC execs –and displayed sincere interest. The only quibble is that he rarely followed up on an answer by Mr. President, but credit him with tackling as many issues as he did.

If you are old enough to recall Leno’s vintage appearances on Letterman back in the 1980s, you know both why so many of us have leapt from the Leno bandwagon (perhaps the one vehicle he does not own) and why Tuesday night’s performance was so welcome. Watch Leno here on Letterman in the mid-1980s –this is television history — and how quickly the acerbic side comes out. This is the Leno we never wanted to see depart. It was refreshing to see him reappear on Tuesday night.

Mariotti: To be portrayed in the biopic by Joaquin Phoenix.

Meanwhile in Santa Monica, my former AOL Fanhouse colleague and Deadspin pinata Jay Mariotti announced that he is launching a new website. Jay is hardly a popular man in the press box, but I’ll echo Dan Wetzel who tweeted yesterday, “I wish him luck. He’s always been nice to me.”

That was my personal experience with him as well.

Either way, his “Open Letter” yesterday was a Mariottifesto. Midway through I had to stop and return to my light reading of Moby Dick.

3) “And with the 69th Pick Overall the Arizona Cardinals Select…”

Would anyone have a problem if this franchise renamed itself the Honey Badgers?

Surely you remember Tyrann Mathieu, alias “The Honey Badger.” In 2011 the LSU cornerback/kick returner was the most electrifying defensive presence in college football and finished 5th in the Heisman Trophy voting (he won the Bednarik Award as the nation’s most outstanding defensive presence). In a season that boasted both quarterbacks Robert Griffin III and Andrew Luck –and dealt with the Penn State fallout –the Honey Badger was college football’s crossover cult figure.

Well, after being dismissed from LSU’s team last season for the dreaded “violation of team rules” (think of that refrain from the Beatles’ “I Wanna Hold Your Hand”), Mathieu’s NFL stock plummeted. Also, he’s just five-foot-nine.

And so when the NFL Draft arrived in late April, America’s most prestigious assemblage of overthinkers (NFL GMs) convened and ignored Mathieu in the first round. And the second round. Finally, the Arizona Cardinals (who perhaps learned a lesson by watching linebacker and local college icon Vontaze Burfict go undrafted the year before and then lead the Cincinnati Bengals in tackles as a rookie) selected him with the seventh pick of the third round.

How much money did this cover cost the Honey Badger?

So how’s Mathieu doing? One NFL scout told former Cardinal Ron Wolfley, now a Phoenix radio announcer, that “pound for pound Mathieu has been the best player on the field” at Cardinals’ camp and that he was going to “change the team.”

It’s amazing what a little humiliation can do for someone. Last month Mathieu tweeted “I’ll never forget what Mike Mayock said about me.” Mayock, an NFL Network (and NBC) commentator was actually not overly harsh. He referred to Mathieu as “a better football player than an athlete” and bragged that he had won a bet by Mathieu not being drafted in the top 50.

Mayock won a bet. But the Cardinals, as Wolfley attests, may have won the lottery. Every NFL team had an opportunity –most had more than one — to cage the Honey Badger. Arizona did. And it may make a world of difference in the desert.

4) SharkNielsen

Waiting for Reid to expound on the topic of sperm whales.

Lets’ face it, after 25 seasons of August encounters, The Discovery Channel’s “Shark Week” had somewhat lost its bite. Then “Sharknado” happened last month (it aired on SyFy, not Discovery, and, oh, by the way, is just another example of the enormous influence of Twitter). So you knew that this August’s “Shark Week” had a terrific lead-in.

Kudos to TDC for seeing blood in the water and attacking. The result? “Shark After Dark”, a late-night talk show that for two nights this week has topped Conan, The Daily Show and The Colbert Report in ratings, drawing some 1.9 million viewers per night. Here are 63 vapid seconds from guest Tara Reid, one of the co-stars of “Sharknado.” Nice cut-in by host Josh Wolf, tossing in the possibility of tiger sharks.

The question becomes, Does The Discovery Channel abandon this cash cow (a cash cow is not what happens when a dollar bill mates with a bovine, just in case Ms. Reid is reading our blog) after one week of success? Or does it discover a way to maintain this forum and create a unique show in which stars appear to discuss nature, animals –and mammals — and all sorts of adventure- and outdoorsy-stuff. Why not?

5. We Didn’t Win, Either

Three winning tickets –two in New Jersey and one in Minnesota — were sold for last night’s Powerball, whose $448 million jackpot was the third-largest ever. How long until the first billion-dollar jackpot?

Reserves

 “You Want Me On That Wall. You Need Me On That Wall.”

This 35-foot wall still poses less challenges than Alabama’s offensive line.

The Notre Dame football team conducted its first two practices of the season at the Shiloh Park Camp Retreat and Conference Center in Marion, Ind., about 100 miles south of campus. Thirteen players scaled the 35-foot climbing wall and reached the top, including 300-pounders Zack Martin, the starting left offensive tackle and a possible first-round pick in next year’s NFL draft, and reserve defensive end Kona Schwenke. Jack Nolan, an anchor and host at ND.com, tweeted out this photo of All-American defensive end Stephon Tuitt scaling the edifice. Tuitt is not listed as one of those who reached the top.

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Beyoncé Bikes to Brooklyn, Barclays

Beyoncé posted these pics on Instagram

How do you get to Carnegie Hall (or, for that matter, Uganda)? Practice.

How do you get to Barclays Center? Bicycle.

In a city that has recently seen the addition of 42,000 Citi Bikes, Beyoncé Knowles demonstrated that she’s up on trends Monday night when she bicycled across the Brooklyn Bridge to commute from Manhattan to Brooklyn for her final show at Barclays Center. Very, very cool.

Next time, may we suggest the Williamsburg Bridge? Fewer tourists and pedestrians.

—

Starting Five

1. He’s Gotta Go To Work

Forgive Bilas the smug look. Four years in Durham will do that to most anyone.

Before yesterday my favorite Jay Bilas moment was a radio exchange that took place between he and Dan LeBatard back in April of 2008. The topic was that upcoming NBA draft, which included Tyler Hansbrough and Kevin Love, and LeBatard attempted to inveigle Bilas, an attorney, into commenting on his –LeBatard’s– assertion that NBA GMs were more inclined to draft white European players than white American players.

“With all due respect, this is stupid,” said Bilas as I remember it.

“You can’t say ‘With all due respect’ and then ‘this is stupid’,” countered LeBatard, which is somewhat true.

“Okay then, with no due respect, this is stupid,” Bilas replied and then hung up. By the way, hanging up was so much more effective back in the days of land lines. Cell phone clicks just lack the same manner of hostility.

Anywaaaaaaaay (as Chuck Klosterman would write), my new favorite Jay Bilas moment took place yesterday. As CBSSports.com’s Gary Parrish reports, Bilas, a former center at Duke back in Coach K’s salad days, spent the afternoon tweeting links to ShopNCAASports.com that proved that the NCAA targets specific players in terms of marketing. Example: Typing “Manziel” in the search bar.

2 late to turn back now, NCAA

That someone at the NCAA disabled the search bar two hours later should be Exhibit A in the plaintiffs’ case in the Ed O’Bannon vs. the NCAA lawsuit. Bilas may have just won the case for student-athletes in what is arguably the most significant case involving that class since Title IX.

For me the best part of this episode is that the NCAA may lose this case due to a self-inflicted wound, a mistake so obvious that one can be sure that a younger, brighter member of its staff likely pointed out the hypocrisy to a higher-up at some point, only to be shooed away.

And to think that it all began on Twitter. If I’m Carl Quintanilla, I’m leading with that anecdote tonight to introduce “The Twitter Revolution” documentary on CNBC.

2. “Football On Your Phone”

“Eli?” “Present.” “Peyton?” “Present.” “GOOD BAND MEETING!”

Love the new Peyton and Eli Manning music video for DirectTV with an Elvis-at-the-Sands clad Archie making a cameo. And now every NFL defensive end will celebrate a Manning sack next month with a “Football on Your Phone” pantomime.

Funny? Sure. Derivative? Some readers may credit its inspiration to Lonely Island, which gave us “Lazy Sunday” and other videos starring Andy Samberg. I’m reminded more of the Kiwis Bret and Jemaine, a.k.a. “Flight of the Conchords”, whose over-the-top duets are almost scene-for-scene templates for this Manning ad. Check out the second half of “Love Is Like Tape”, for example, and note how their stroll down a street in SoHo mirrors the Mannings’ strut down Bourbon Street.

Next up? I’m ready for Peyton and Eli to serenade Suzy Kolber by reprising this FotC gem (with a cameo by Joe Willie Namath, of course).

3. “Do You Double-Dog Pinkie Swear That You’ll Never Tell?”

House of Cads

This would be a hilarious set-up for a political satire, a film along the lines of “Dr. Strangelove” or “Wag The Dog”, if only it were not true. Senators Max Baucus (D-Montana) and Orrin Hatch (R-Utah) have proposed 50 years of guaranteed secrecy for their colleagues in exchange for their ideas and suggestions on how to reform the tax code which, after all, is part of their jobs. As John Oliver pointed out on The Daily Show last night, it was last given a makeover in 1986 (so that’s one thing my hairdo has in common with taxes).

Of course, in the era of Bradley Manning (Can he have a cameo in the next Eli and Peyton video?) and Eric Snowden, no elected official expects that secret to last 50 days, much less 50 years. But what a shame that our nation’s LEADERS need to be bribed with the promise of secrecy in exchange for actual leadership.

Are you a donkey or an elephant? The answer is, you’re all this.

4. And Then They Destroyed His “World’s Greatest Dad” Mug

Brewer, currently starring in the new ABC hit comedy “Post-Modern Family”

Story lines that never appeared on “Sh&* My Dad Says.” Timothy Brewer, a sheriff’s deputy in Moab, Utah, was enjoying a quiet night at home with his wife, Logan, and his father, Corky, a respected local fire chief.

Then Timothy noticed that he was the only one watching television and that both Logan and Corky were missing. And, well, you can read the rest of it here. As faithful reader @Okerland points out, this did not happen in Florida it but should have.

5. Saskatchewan’s Southpaw

As a pitcher, you’d prefer to hit the showers –even a cold one–after the final out.

It’s just a short 986-mile trek from Andrew Albers’ hometown to Minneapolis, home of the Minnesota Twins, for whom the southpaw made his Major League debut last night. That Minneapolis is also the nearest Major League city SOUTH of where Albers was raised —North Battleford, Saskatchewan — should not go unnoticed.

Last night Albers, 27, became the first Saskatchewan native to appear in a Major League game since Terry Puhl of the Houston Astros in 1991. He did just fine. Albers pitched 8 1/3 innings of four-hit, shutout baseball as the Twins silenced the Kansas City Royals in K.C., 7-0. The Crowns had won 12 of 13 entering the contest, but those in the know understood that Albers was no scared neophyte.

That Albers came within two outs of pitching the first complete game shutout by a pitcher making his Major League debut in 11 seasons (Andy Van Hekken, Detroit, 2002) is one thing. That he also came within two outs of pitching his third consecutive complete-game shutout (two with Triple-A Rochester previous to last night) is even more impressive.

A few notes on Albers, whom the Minneapolis Tribune describes as “The Quirky Canadian”:

1) His fastball topped out at 89 m.p.h. last night.

2) His pregame meal? Two cheeseburgers.

3) At Rochester he liked to run the parking lot for 20 minutes after games that he pitched.

4) Had Tommy John surgery in 2009.

5) He gave Minnesota its longest outing by a starter this season.

Andrew Albers, the Canuck Who Doesn’t Get The Hook. Keep an eye on him.

Reserves

Erin Go Blah Blah

The lovely and, well, lovely Erin Andrews co-hosts on “Live with…” earlier today. This tweeter predicts she will unveil her I-dropped-my-iPhone-in-the-toilet anecdote (a story that she “broke” on Twitter two days ago, presumably via her lap top or iPad). And she does, less than two minutes into the broadcast.

Listen. Andrews seems like a nice enough person. Insecure and beautiful, but nice enough. It’s just that she is America’s leggiest, blondest example of The Peter Principle. It’s a visual medium and Andres is p’rty, but she lacks the charisma to host one show, much less two. Watch Ellen DeGeneres. Heck, watch Michael Strahan, her co-host on “Live…”. They’re comfortable in their skins and their insights keep us from reaching for the “Mute” button.

Andrews? We can hear that prattle in any Starbucks in America. She’s a fine sideline reporter. And a talented terpsichorean. But as a host, her reach exceeds her grasp.

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Pat Forde reveals his “25 Most Intriguing Games of 2013.” I love lists such as this. Here are my top five:

1) Alabama at Texas A&M, Sept. 14

You’ve got the reigning national champion visiting the reigning Heisman Trophy winner (although that is not yet signed, sealed and delivered), the Tide attempting to avenge its sole loss of 2012, the Johnny Manziel Vortex, and the school that gave Bear Bryant his first crack as a head coach. Plus, the Aggies have as rich a tradition as anyone.

2) South Carolina at Georgia, Sept. 7

If the Dawgs start 2-0, Gurley should be a front-runner for the Heisman (though voters will probably credit QB Aaron Murray).

The Dawgs open a week earlier at Clemson –How did Claude Felton ever let that happen? — which means that they’ll take on Sammy Watkins one week and Jadeveon Clowney the next? That’s too much Palmetto State for Mark Richt’s squad. We love The Gurley Man, Todd Gurley, who rushed for 1,385 yards as a freshman. But anyone ranking Georgia in the top five –and many will — hasn’t taken a close enough look at their schedule.

3) Oregon at Stanford, Nov. 7

Speed versus power in the Pacific Time zone. The most intriguing contest west of College Station.

4) Ohio State at Northwestern, Oct. 5

I have the Buckeyes heading to Pasadena in January. But the Cats won 10 games last year and choked away double-digit fourth-quarter leads in two of their three defeats (the third was an OT loss at Michigan). The Kitties are legit.

5) USC at Notre Dame, October 19

This game failed to make Forde’s list, and certainly there are better schools than these two. However, if Lane Kiffin’s team has more than one loss (at Arizona State?) when it lands in South Bend during the height of fall colors, then the pressure is on. It’s not the most intense rivalry in college football, but year in and year out it may be the most glamorous and the games rarely fail to deliver.

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We Didn’t Make It!

The 25 Best Bloggers of 2013, according to Time. Then again, I don’t take my cues from Harry McCracken.

Starting Five

1. “The Show”, Indeed

How many of these baseballs are currently available on eBay?

We are, alas, the product of our actions and of our choices. As Alex Rodriguez, once the brightest baseball nova in the galaxy, has discovered. A-Rod returned to “The Show” last night (disproving my assertion that he’d never play for the Yankees again) despite being banned by baseball for 211 games –through the end of next season — just a few hours earlier.

How convenient –serendipitous? coincidental? orchestrated? –that A-Rod was finally cleared to play and inserted into a Major League lineup after baseball had an opportunity to mete its harshest PED-related suspension in history. A-Rod’s suspension does not formally begin until Thursday, but he may continue playing for the bound-for-the-playoffs stumbling-toward-.500 Yanks until the appeals process is completed, which may take awhile.

Stuff:

1) The Captain, Derek Jeter, was not in the lineup, as he returned to the DL with a strained calf. So those two still have yet to take the field together since Game 1 of the 2012 ALDS.

2) Last night’s pre-game presser was, effectively, A-Rod’s final at-bat. And he whiffed. If Rodriguez had admitted to PED use, said, “See ya’ in 2015”, then metaphorically dropped the mic and exited, it would have won him a legion of fans. Instead he spoke fluent lawyerese and continued to be the disingenuous, bordering on phony, superstar athlete that fans have long accused him of being. To think that 13 other ballplayers accepted a minimum of 50 games as their suspension (former MVP Ryan Braun took more) for their connection with the Biogenesis clinic and that A-Rod is fighting his is just one more strike against his legacy.

3) ESPN analyst and former MLB All-Star pitcher Rick Sutcliffe before last night’s game: “He’s just going to flat-out embarrass himself by trying to play at the big-league level.” Did you ever think you’d hear someone say that about A-Rod, a three-time MVP?

“Dude, I knew we should have taken this class on-line.”

4) Yankee manager Joe Girardi pulled a Pope Francis when asked about A-Rod, saying, “I’m not here to judge people.” Girardi plans to celebrate mass this afternoon for a congregation of thousands on Oak Street Beach.

5) A-Rod spoke last night, as he often does, about celebrating the game of baseball and the people who play it. About taking the spotlight off him. The facts are these, however. He opted out of his first gargantuan contract with the Yankees during the deciding game of the 2007 World Series between the Red Sox and Rockies, or at least that is when his then-agent Scott Boras announced it. And he will become the biggest story in baseball for the remainder of the season, overshadowing stories such as the Pittsburgh Pirates’ and Kansas City Royals’ drive for a playoff berth.

6) Will New Yorker boo A-Rod in his return to Yankee Stadium this weekend? They’re already booing Mark Sanchez at Jets training camp, so fuggedaboutit.

7) First, Lance Armstrong. Now, A-Rod. The Sportsman of the Year may just be Karma.

2) “People Who Bought The Washington Post Also Bought…”

— Cheers to Mark Ennis (@Mengus22) for that line

WaPo: Add To Cart

The founder of Amazon.com, Jeff Bezos, personally purchases The Washington Post for $250 million. Each issue of the newspaper will now feature customer reviews and should reach your mailbox in three to five days. I know. The jokes are so obvious it’s almost redundant to print them.

3) Pet Shop Boys

Rule No. 58: Never sleep above an exotic pet shop. A python escaped from its cage at the Reptile Ocean exotic pet store in New Brunswick, Canada, slithered through a vent, and then strangled two young boys who were sleeping in a room above the store. Snakes: notoriously silent creatures.

4. MediumHappy.awesome?

The Washington Post –Jeff Bezos’ publication — has a story about how the list of domain suffixes is about to expand greatly. Another internet land grab is upon us.

5. It Goes To 11

The Atlanta Braves’ win streak, that is. The Braves beat Stephen Strasburg and the Washington Nationals last night, even though SS allowed just two earned runs (he has allowed two or fewer runs in three of his past four starts, all Nats losses). The Detroit Tigers have a nine-game win streak going, while the Kansas City Royals, perhaps most impressively, have lost just once in the past 13 games.

Gettin’ Miggy with it…

The Royals’ top hitter, in terms of average? Second baseman Miguel Tejada, 39, who is playing for his fifth team in the past four seasons. Tejada, hitting .298, was out of the game a year ago after failing to make the Orioles’ big-league roster.

Detroit, the city, may be bankrupt, but its baseball team may be the best in baseball. Instead of auctioning the Detroit Museum’s artwork, the Motor City may just want to see what it can get in exchange for Max Scherzer. If teams want to play that “We’re part of the community fabric” card when lobbying for a publicly-financed stadium, here’s one franchise’s chance to demonstrate that is a two-way street.

 Baseball is a lot like the title of the Counting Crows’ debut album: August and Everything After is all that really matters. Unless you think it’s more like an Earth, Wind & Fire song: “September.”

Reserves

Zimmer: Does NOT have a plate in her skull.

If you think the woman playing Mitt Romney’s press secretary on “The Newsroom” looks familiar, that’s because she played Ari Gold’s paramour-or-less and frequent sparring partner on “Entourage.” The actress, Constance Zimmer, is 43 and has that rare distinction of having used the F-word on two different HBO series.

What I find interesting is how quickly Aaron Sorkin scrapped the toolbag Romney dude in favor of Zimmer as Jim’s adversary on the campaign trail in New Hampshire. The best possible explanation is that there will be some smoldering sexual tension between the two later in the series. Good thing for her that her name is not Evan. He hates that name. Almost everyone does.