Starting Five

1. Pop’s Stars

Thirty-nine seasons. Ten championship rings. One team, one coach. That is the curriculum vitae of Tim Duncan of the U.S. Virgin Islands, Tony Parker of France, and Manu Ginobili of Argentina. This trio is the core of the most successful and under-celebrated sports franchise in North America of the 21st century. Holy juxtaposition, Batman! The Spurs’ trio have stuck together, under one coach, Gregg Popovich, for more than a decade. Whereas the Heat’s trio came together in the summer of 2009 when LeBron James and Chris Bosh decided to join Dwyane Wade in Miami. Oh, I think someone on TV will point out the contrast in a week or so.

2. Delle Donne Dominates

The ESPN.com headline reads, “Griner Dunks Twice, But Mercury Lose”, which is no less sexist than saying, “Coed With Shortest Skirt Fails to Pass BAR Exam.” Seriously, Bristol? Aren’t you the ones who actually have broadcast rights to the WNBA? Yesterday the most (the first?) anticipated match-up between two rookie post players in league history took place, and the No. 2 pick, six-foot-five Elena Delle Donne of the Chicago Sky, gave the opposing franchise, the Phoenix Mercury, an aggravated case of buyer’s remorse. Delle Donne flashed a multi-faceted and mature game while the No. 1 pick, Brittney Griner, picked up three fouls in the first quarter. At halftime the Sky, which has never advanced to the playoffs, led by 24.

Griner’s two dunks — she became the first player in WNBA history to dunk twice in the same–whoop-de-doo! — came in garbage time, as did most of her scoring. Delle Donne finished with 22 points, eight rebounds and four blocked shots. Both players have bright futures, but Delle Donne won Round 1. Pity that ESPN barely noticed.

3. No, Yu Di’unt

Through 110 pitches Yu Darvish of the Texas Rangers, the most dominant pitcher in baseball thus far in 2013, had struck out 14 Arizona Diamondback batters. On his 111th D-Back rookie Didi Gregorius took him deep, over the right-field wall, for a game-tying two-run homer in the eighth inning. The D-Backs would score the winning run the following inning. Oh, and as for Gregorius? He was the lone starting position player for the D-Backs not to whiff once against Darvish.

4. All The Young Dudes

Look at this kid! Who does he think he is? The year is 1978 in this video, but only last week he celebrated his 53rd birthday.

5. Sydney Fog

Above, that is Sydney. Australia’s largest city was under a blanket of fog yesterday. I got nothing else to say about that.

Reserves

My two-word review of “Behind the Candelabra?” “Pianist Envy.” You want more? Okay, understanding that I grew up during this era and am both keenly and fondly aware of it, I still go all Joy Behar and say, “So what? Who cares?” Queens having plastic surgery and sodomy fights. That is O-ring Bo-ring (I can’t say that, can I?). Okay, Rob Lowe remains miraculously beautiful (and I’m straight) and he kills it as the plastic surgeon. Michael Douglas never got Liberace’s diction down. He spoke much…more…methodically…and…slowly…than…that. Matt Damon was fantastic. He always is.

Best Supporting Actor statue for Rob Lowe at next winter’s Emmys. Or, if you are Jalen Rose, a Pulitzer.

Cullen Finnerty, who led Grand Valley State to three D-II national titles as their quarterback in the early 2000s, is missing. His head coaches were Brian Kelly (2003) and Chuck Martin (2004-2006). Perhaps you have heard of them.

Maeby They Should Have Left Well Enough Alone?

Dear America: Yes, all 15 new episodes of the new “season” of Arrested Development are available now on NetFlix. That does not mean you have to watch all of them at once. As creator Mitch Hurwitz warns, “You’ll get tired.” You don’t want me to get Mayor Bloomberg on this, now do you? You should know that each episode centers on a different character, and it seems to me this was less by artistic design than it was pragmatism. The “shoot” went from August through February and because of all the actors’ busy schedules (and whom do they have to thank/blame for that?), the entire cast was only together for two days. Oh, and not all of the reviews have been kind.

Remote Patrol

New York Yankees at New York Mets

ESPN 7 p.m.

It’s a pitcher’s duel. Matt Harvey (5-0, 1.93 ERA) of the Mets faces the Yankees’ ace of the spring, Hiroki Kuroda (6-3, 2.67). Watch as the Mets attempt to bat David Wright more often than once every nine batters. Also, whichever team wins has their colors displayed in lights atop the Empire State Building. Really.

Harvey and new girlfriend Anna V., an SI Swimsuit model. Defying the Verlander-Upton curse.

–JW

1. SACKED

“Poor academic judgment?” Holy Euphemism, Batman! So that’s what we are calling it? Notre Dame quarterback Everett Golson has been suspended from school for the Fall 2013 semester for exhibiting poor academic judgment. Most likely it had nothing to do with arriving at the exam dressed like a member of Daft Punk. Now that would be poor judgment. We will not speculate, but the irony of that euphemism is that in leading Notre Dame to a 12-1 record and a BCS Championship Game loss as a freshman, the most definitive aspect of Golson’s game was his precociously good judgment.

Zaire

Meanwhile, Tommy Rees, the Irish football equivalent of the Indy Car driver who sits back in 20th place and waits for the guys ahead of him to crash, should be the starter come August. Keep in mind, though: The last three times Notre Dame started at least 10-0, an African-American quarterback who had not started the previous September led them: Tony Rice in 1988, Kevin McDougal in 1993, and Golson last season. So, does incoming freshman Malik Zaire, who enrolled last January, have a chance to start? Our experience with Brian Kelly leads us to predict that Rees will start, but that Zaire (and senior Andrew Hendrix) will see plenty of action.

Oh, and Gunner Kiel, the top-rated prep quarterback in the land in 2012 who red-shirted last fall and then transferred to Cincinnati last month, is doing a forehead slap this morning. Kiel could conceivably return to South Bend and play this fall –he’d just have to pay his own freight, according to the Professor Whoopee of NCAA by-laws, John Infante — but we believe that ship has sailed.

Oh, and here is an example of giving the wrong person credit. Graham Watson of Yahoo! initially credits  Yahoo! columnist Pat Forde for finding the loophole in which Kiel could return to Notre Dame, even though Forde, in his own column, credits Infante with that information. Let me put on my Richard Deitsch hat for a moment and assign a “Tsk! Tsk!” to Watson.

2. The Boys From Brazil

As the Irish were making news in northern Indiana, three hours south down Route 31, a Brazilian not named Helio Castroneves was busy winning his first Indianapolis 500. Tony Kanaan, in his 12th appearance at the Brickyard, took the checkered flag under caution. He was in second place with three laps remaining and the race under caution, but when the green flag came out he zipped past leader Ryan Hunter-Reay for the lead. There were 34 lead changes in the race. Afterward Kanaan, 38, pronounced himself as having “the biggest nose” of any Indy 500 winner.

Kanaan also won Saturday’s Vin Diesel look-alike contest.

3. Not So Ugly Betty

Why, look who has her act together! It’s Betty Draper, no longer brunette, no longer rotund and no longer self-pitying. She must be watching episodes of “Bewitched!” or “I Dream of Jeannie!” And she delivers the BAM! line of the season to Don Draper, telling him about his present wife, Megan, “She doesn’t know that loving you is the worst way to get to you.” If that isn’t the title of a country song, I don’t know what is. Here’s the incomparable Alan Sepinwall with his review.

4. On this day let’s pause and be grateful for all the men and women who served, especially for those whose lives were cut short in protection of our freedom. Also, let’s think about what we might do to curb the alarming rate of military suicides. A record 349 soldiers on active duty killed themselves in 2012 while a Veterans Affairs study reported that 22 former soldiers commit suicide daily. That’s just not right.

5. I Told You, I’m Not Bothering With the NBA Playoffs Again Until the Heat-Spurs Series Begins…

So just leave me be, okay?

Reserves

Robben Good!

Bayern Munich striker Arjen Robben was not having a very splendid afternoon in the UEFA Champions League final versus Borussia Dortmund –one of his shots from near point-blank range caromed off the goalkeeper’s right cheek. That is, until the 89th minute of play. A long, soaring pass from the other side of midfield from Frank Ribery (the soccer equivalent to a Go route) landed at Robben’s feet and he outdueled two defenders, then made a nifty sidestep kick past the Dortmund goalie for the winning goal. It was a classic at Wembley before some 86,298 fans. And Bayern, which had lost in the UCL final twice in the previous three years, avoids the ignominious sobriquet of “the Buffalo Bills of Europe.”

Remote Patrol

WNBA Hoops: Chicago Sky at Phoenix Mercury

ESPN2 5 p.m.

Surely, you can’t be serious, you say? I am serious –and don’t call me Shirley. Why watch? Because the two most captivating big women to enter the league in years, if not ever, will make their debut against one another this afternoon. So, yes, the WNBA got right what Baylor and Delaware –and the NCAA tourney — were unable to the past few seasons. Brittney Griner, who led Baylor to a 40-0 record in 2012 and is the NCAA all-time leader in blocked shots, will take her 6-8 frame up against 6-5 Elena Delle Donne, who finished fifth all-time in scoring. Of course, the best player whom I’ve ever seen, Diana Taurasi, will also be on the court –and I doubt she’ll allow the two rookies to overshadow her. Oh, and I’m not sure if Brittney Griner loses out to Robbie Rogers as the first openly gay player to compete in a professional sport in the USA by one day or not, but if that’s the case, bummer.

Rookies Skylar Diggins (psst: she’s hot), Delle Donne and Griner: The last best hope to save the WNBA.

-JW

Starting Five

1. Half-Beatlemania!

“And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy My brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay My vengeance upon you.”

The Pacers’ Paul George (who is not to be confused with teammate George Hill…who is not to be confused with Hill Street Blues, who is not to be confused with Blues Traveler…) is the breakout star of the conference finals. George was money in Game 1 not once but twice, hitting a reedonk three-pointer and then converting all three of three free throws when he absolutely had to do so. Okay, so yeah, there was the matador defense on LBJ (let’s stop crucifying Frank Vogel for the fact that George ignored the first rule of defense your dad teaches you in third grade, “Stay between your man and the basket”), but the Fresno State product elevated his stature when he elevated over Chris Andersen (“Birdman Birdman!”) last night. I don’t know who won and I don’t really care, but this was awesome. Somewhere there’s a GIF of it and somewhere else nerds are bickering over the proper pronunciation of GIF.

George’s dunk put Indiana up73-71 with 5.1 seconds remaining in the third quarter. And, yes, LeBron James answered with a 35-foot three pointer to close the quarter to put the Heat up by one. And the two men quickly slapped hands in a display of mutual respect, which was cool. Although I cannot imagine MJ ever doing that with Reggie Miller “back in the day”, but so what?

2. Germans Invade London…Again…

The UEFA Champions League Final between upstart B0russia Dortmund and the Yankees of Germany, Bayern Munich, kicks off from Wembley Stadium in a few hours. Neutral Germans will side with the former, says Philip Olterman in The Guardian. The Huffington Post provides this preview while I remind you that one side’s top player has an all-timer of a super-villain name, “Bastian Schweinsteiger!”

r

3. “Game of Desks” 

Rockefell…Westercoast…The Late Night’s Watch…House Falgarian and House Firecrotch. Damn fine parody by Jimmy Fallon and his writing staff, and a special salute to how deep Fallon plumbs his thespian talents. Is this the same dude who used to break character and giggle in the midst of most of his SNL skits?

4. Umair Haque

He doesn’t look all that fierce, but the London-based economist and Harvard Business Review contributor is as fierce as anyone on Twitter (@umairh). He is as angry –angrier, perhaps– at the steady dissolution of both our economy and justice itself as either Matt Taibbi or myself (and I only put myself in their class in terms of passion on the topic; they’re both far more educated and insightful on this than I am; I’m just the Irish dude in William Wallace’s band of crusaders who’s willing to do anything for him). Anyway, I recommend you follow his tweets from the past 48 hours and then recommend more vehemently that you read this article that Haque posted on his feed. In short, if you think it’s prudent to be able to buy a $500,000 home with less than $15,000 down, then you understand what big banks — at levels of tens of billions of dollars as opposed to half a million — have been getting away with. And when it all turns to chaos, guess who has to step in and save them?

5. (Tiny) Members Only

If you thought Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest was the only wiener show in Brooklyn this July, you’re wrong. The Kings County Bar in Brooklyn is staging a “Smallest Penis” contest on July 20. The Wet Tighty Whiteys” portion of the show should provide judges and audience members (insert Beavis and Butthead giggle and “Heh heh, you said, ‘Members'”) the best chance to evaluate talent in lieu of the fact that most New Yorkers don’t drive cars (think about it for a moment). Here’s hoping they invite Jason Whitlock to be a celebrity judge.

Starting Five

1. The Most Dramatic Collapse Since the 2011 Boston Red Sox?

A bridge on Interstate 5 spanning the Skagit River in northwest Washington collapses, purportedly after an 18-wheeler slammed into it. The road is the major artery between Seattle and Vancouver, two cities that used to possess NBA franchises. As dramatic Evergreen State bridge collapses go, though, the 1940 undoing of the Tacoma Narrows Bridge remains unrivaled. And shame on your high school physics teacher if he/she failed to show you this video as an example of the power of a transverse wave.

2. “This is a tornado emergency. You need to be below ground immediately…we are not here to scare you, but this is a very large tornado…”

A news truck from KOCO TV 5 in Oklahoma City captures the first moments of funnel formation with the Moore, Okla., tornado and then the first 10 minutes. Nature’s wonder and nature’s wrath all in one scene. This is mesmerizing.

Profiles in Human Interaction: Monday in Moore, Okla., and…

…Wednesday afternoon in London.

3. London Galling

The first word that comes to mind with the murder of Lee Rigby in mid-afternoon on a London street? Brazen. The second? Calculated. Two hoodlums garnered worldwide attention with a despicable act, landing themselves on the cover of yesterday’s New York Daily News. Say what you want about their cause, about imperialism, etc. but in the 21st century video/photos/social media is a mighty powerful weapon.

4. Can’t you just see the pitch meeting for “The Purge?”  “It’s ‘The Hunger Games’ meets ‘The Strangers’ with a generous dollop of real-life Detroit.”

The Purge: Promises to be a let-down for fans of eating disorder films.

5. Until the Harvard Baseball Team Makes Another Road Trip Mash-Up…

….this video of University of Cincinnati players photo-bombing teammates during post-game interviews is the most significant contribution to college baseball humor for 2013.

Reserves

The Antidote to Modern Fandom: F.C. United of Manchester

F.C. United’s fans have no Old Trafford of their own (they rent space at different locations), but they don’t care.

“I don’t support their business model. It ignores the fans. And because of that I won’t give them any cash.”

Is this me talking about the New York Yankees? It could be: I haven’t spent a dime on a ticket to the new Yankee Stadium since it opened in 2009 (and I’ll have a story about the egregious Legends Suites seating area out soon in an actual newspaper). But in fact this quote comes from Andy Walsh, the general manager of F.C. United of Manchester, a franchise that was erected on the cornerstone of disenfranchised Manchester United supporters. Man U. are the New York Yankees of European football (soccer). Walsh and other fans finally grew so fed up with Man U.’s arrogance that in 2005 they created their own fan-owned club in which each member gets one vote (“a motion to never sell advertising on the team’s jerseys passed with 96% of the vote,” writes Sam Borden of The New York Times).

Players earn $220 per game

The best part, perhaps, is that FC United of Manchester began the 2005-2006 season on the lowest rung of English club football, the 10th division. They have already ascended to the 7th division and narrowly missed an opportunity to move up one more rung on the ladder on May 11 when they lost, 2-1,  in front of 4,412 fans (Do they look as if they care that they’re not part of the Barclays Premier League?) to Hednesford Town in the Northern Premier League playoffs.

This one master stroke, relegation, is what makes English soccer so fascinating. Imagine if the worst team in Major League Baseball (hello, Miami) had to drop down a division while the best team in Triple A was allowed to advance. And if the worst AAA team had to follow suit to AA, and vice versa. And so on. This is reality in English soccer, and it is why a franchise that was literally conceived out of the disenfranchisement of the most powerful club’s fans may potentially play in the same league with that leviathan entity some day.

Leave it to our former “tyrannical” British overlords to teach us Americans a lesson in sports providing a “land of opportunity.” Now please may we have our F.C. United of Manchester kits? And when will the movie be released?

“Don’t Forget Who You Are/You’re a Rock and Roll Star”

When Tom Petty performs, he gives concert-goers their money’s worth. All this week Gainesville’s Gift to music has been performing at the Beacon Theater, a five-minute walk from here, calling it “heaven on Earth.” David Fricke of Rolling Stone provides a review.

“With one foot in the grave/And one foot on the pedal…”

–J.W.

Early steakateria a.m. Sorry.

Starting Five

1. LeBron’s Lay-up Line Quality Game Winner

LeBron James beats Paul George one-on-one (the HalfBeatles had been heroic until then) and then immediately searches for a Staples “That Was Easy” red button.

2. Brian Urlacher Retires

Played middle linebacker for more games, and had more tackles, than fellow Chicago Bear legends Dick Butkus or Mike Singletary. And you gotta love a middle linebacker who has “ache” right in the midst of his surname.

3. Yuichura Miura, age 80, becomes the oldest person to summit Mount Everest. “Mandelbaum! Mandelbaum! Mandelbaum!”

4. Terrific story by Berry Tramel. Don’t you think this photo should be put on the front of a T-shirt, a T-shirt that Sergio Garcia would have to wear for all four rounds of the U.S. Open?

5. Clay Bucholz of the Red Sox pitches five-hit ball over seven innings and moves to 7-0. Matt Harvey of the New York Mets is not very sharp versus Cincinnati, but gets his fifth No Decision to remain unbeaten at 5-0.