Starting Five

1. You’re Not Elected, Charlie Brown

On yesterday’s ballot no one is elected to The Baseball Hall of Fame. Superstars such as Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa and, yes, Luis Polonia, will not have their afternoon in Cooperstown. At least not this July. Maybe they should all make a date with Oprah.

2. Brian Kelly is happily married, but hey, if Charlize Theron is in town and wants to meet for a drink…

The Notre Dame head coach interviews with the Philadelphia Eagles one day after the Irish fall 42-14 to Alabama in the National Championship Game. (New York Daily News sports TV critic Bob Raissman refers to it as a “heartless, gutless performance”…the game, that is). During Saturday’s media day at Sun Life Stadium Kelly said, “I have the best job in the country– NFL, college, high school, whatever. Leaving is not an option.”

3. What is more dire than a fiscal cliff? As it turns out, an actual cliff

Two men frolicking inside of a giant inflatable ball (“He lives in a bubble.” “Boy.”) bounce right over a cliff at a ski resort in Russia’s Caucasus Mountain. One perishes. The extreme “sport” is known as Zorbing.

4. Seth McFarland gives best performance at 5:45 a.m. local time while presenting Oscar nominations…

McFarland, on a foreign-language film that was co-produced by Austria and Germany: “The last time Austria and Germany got together to co-produce something it was Hitler.”

Your Best Picture nominees: Silver Linings Playbook, Zero Dark Thirty, Argo, Beasts of the Southern Wild, Lincoln, Django Unchained, Les Miserables, Life of Pi and Amour. Our very, very early bet (based on the other nominees: Silver Linings Playbook, followed closely by Lincoln)

5. What does “AIG” stand for? “Cojones Gigante!”

American International Group, which exists today thanks to a $182 billion federal bailout at the height of the recession four years ago, strongly considers joining a lawsuit against the U.S. government. The lawsuit, which has been filed by other such companies, alleges that the federal government failed to provide AIG shareholders with adequate compensation while taking over 80% of the company. In layman’s terms: you saved my life when I was drowning and you reached that paddle out to me, but I got a few splinters in my hand and I’d like to be compensated for that trauma.

Starting Five

1. Baby, It’s Warm Outside So, 2012 officially becomes the hottest year on record, with an average temperature of 55.3 degrees, according to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA). Obviously, this is a shameless ploy for attention by the NOAA (Have you ever heard of ’em?). On the other hand, we are looking into real estate prices in Manitoba.

2. The Loss Angeles Lakers lose their fourth straight– and will do so yet again tonight at San Antonio (the Texas two-schlep) and yet again on Friday night versus Oklahoma City — to fall to 15-19. But for a moment, let’s accentuate the positive. Steve Nash, the most-boyish looking star in Los Angeles since Richie Brockelman, Private Eye (now THAT’S a theme song) passes (yes, we meant to use that verb) the 10,000-assist mark for his career. Nash becomes the fifth player to do so, trailing only John Stockton, Jason Kidd (Nash was his back-up at the start of his career in Phoenix), Magic Johnson and Mark Jackson. Nash has a chance to pass both Johnson and Jackson this season, but the incomparable Stockton (15,806) will remain well out of reach. Here’s our story on The Tao of Steve from 2010.

Ok, that moment is over. Another Laker reached a milestone last night, Kobe Bryant passed John Havlicek for most missed FG in NBA history with 15,296 (includes post season).

Nash, a Santa Clara grad, becomes second West Coast Conference (WCC) alum to pass 10K in assists, along with Gonzaga’s Stockton

3. World Wide Webb: A.J. McCarron’s girlfriend, whom he met last month, is now overshadowing Alabama’s 42-14 BCS NCG beat down of Notre Dame. Katherine Webb’s Twitter following has mushroomed from a few hundred last weekend to more than 200,000 (who knew there were THAT many sports bloggers?). Webb herself, who appears on the Today Show this morning (before, it should be noted, any member of the Crimson Tide, a program that has only, ya know, won three of the past four national championships), is only following 150 people. But Darnell Dockett, who pulled a “Call Me Maybe” on Webb while her boyfriend was leading the Tide to the championship on Monday evening, is not one of them.

(UPDATE: Webb appeared on Today during the 8-8:30 a.m. block and told Matt Lauer, “I think (the media) has been a little unfair to (Brent Musburger)…I don’t think I needed an apology.”

Deep down I’m thinking, War Eagle!

4. You just knew that after a three-week hiatus, The Daily Show would come out firing this week. On Monday night Jon Stewart tackled the fiscal cliff/debt crisis, deftly comparing it to the U.S. government tying the economy to the railroad tracks, then simply untying it and moving it a half-mile down those same rails (ye ole’ damsel in distrestle concept). Last night, however, TDS was on fire discussing, well, the line of fire. There was humor infused, yes, but we’d been waiting nearly a month to hear . how Stewart would handle the Newtown Massacre (this video actually opens the show’s second segment, after an initial segment on guns that essentially set up this clip). This may have been his finest (half) hour.

WHAT WE NEED IS MORE COOL-HEADED MEN WHO DRESS IN BLACK AND CARRY GUNS, DAMNIT!!!!

“What’s really going on here?” Stewart asked, then showed radio shock jock Alex Jones’ rant  at CNN’s Piers Morgan, in which he basically warned that if we lose our guns a latter-day Hitler will arise in the U.S.A. and inflict a 21st-century Holocaust. “Now I see what’s happening. So this is what it is. Their paranoid fear of a possible dystopic future prevents us from addressing our actual dystopic present.”

Stewart noted that 30,000 Americans were killed due to guns last year (not just 26 adorable Americans in Connecticut).

Honestly, and I know that I’m going off on a rant here, but nobody but nobody is doing what Jon Stewart is doing night in and night out (when he’s not on three-week hiatus). In the 1980s David Letterman came along and completely changed comedy on television (Jimmy Kimmel, in the current Rolling Stone, said exactly that: “His show was just so weird and different. I’d never seen anything like it. I didn’t know anyone who had a sense of humor like that”) and influenced a generation. Those arch promos for Michelle Beadle’s new show, The Crossover, are nothing more than aping Letterman’s style. That may be why, at least at this minute, I’m not in love with it. The Crossover is just a cover band.

Stewart, however, is the first comic ON TELEVISION NIGHTLY since Letterman who is doing  something fresh and original. And while it’s about 51% comedy and, as was the case last night, 22% proselytizing and (let’s see here, 51 + 22….searching for pencil…100 minus 73….) 27% education, it’s sui generis. Colbert is funny, but he’s a spinoff. Jon Stewart may have inherited this show from Craig Kilborn, but he and his talented writing staff created the brand.

Ironically, Time magazine is out today with a New Jersey native (Gov. Chris Christie) on its cover and the headline “The Boss”. Ironic because, in many ways, Stewart, a fellow Garden Stater, is just as Boss. Also ironic because the Garden State legend whose nickname is The Boss, Bruce Springsteen, appeared on the cover of Time, oh, 38 years ago and there was no header that read “The Boss.”

5. Collateral Damage Washington Redskin quarterback Robert Griffin III undergoes surgery this morning to reconstruct his right knee, including a repair of his torn lateral collateral and anterior cruciate ligaments. Dr. James Andrews,  America’s only orthopedic surgeon, is performing the surgery. We love RG3, and we hate that he has become the Derrick Rose (whom we also love) of the NFL. We’re no doctors, but we will remind you that RG3 sustained a torn ACL in the same knee during his sophomore season (2009) at Baylor. Early conjecture has him out for six to eight months.

Reserves

Early NFL Mock Draft? Sure, why not? The top overall pick is a native of Berlin, Germany, with an umlat in his given name: Bjoern Werner.  The first quarterbacks, at Nos. 37 and 38, are Geno Smith and Matt Barkley. I’d take Alabama’s RB, Eddie Lacy, who is at No. 45, before either of them.

“Bjoern free! As free as the wind blows…” (Hey, we liked lion movies when we were young. What do you want?)

For the second consecutive evening, Notre Dame lost a No. 1 vs. No. 2 matchup. This time it was hockey, as top-ranked University of Minnesota halted the Irish’s six-game win streak, 4-1.

ESPN chooses not to renew Rob Parker’s contract. Momma always said, “Stupid is as stupid does.”

If your morning’s crossword clue is “three letters, fired NFL coach Ryan“, be careful.

On the first night of college basketball season, top-ranked Duke holds ACC foe Clemson to just 10 points in the first half. It’s the Blue Devils’ stingiest half on defense since 1979, or before Coach K’s arrival.  And, more to the point, before the advent of the shot clock in college hoops.

After just one quarter, with Alabama on the cusp of a 21-0 lead, watching the BCS National Championship Game had the feel of viewing the New York City Marathon. There were the elite runners at the head of the field, and then we’d switch back to the human-interest stories who were just hoping to break the four- or five-hour barrier. Technically, sure, they were all running the same race but realistically…

The Fighting Irish covered the opening kickoff very well — certainly better than Kansas State did versus Oregon in the Fiesta Bowl — and that first play from scrimmage, well, that belongs on the Irish highlight reel. After that? It was all Tide.

We could bore you with stats, or stories about feckless arm tackling from the Heisman runner-up and safety Zeke Motta (who simply whiffed in the backfield on Eddie Lacy’s first touchdown scamper), but the Irish were simply outclassed. Versus an Alabama squad that was essentially playing through a transition year. The best metaphor we could find for what the Irish were up against facing the Tide was watching this film clip (warning: symbolism-pounding-you-over-the-head alert) (and, yes, this means Brian Kelly is Ewan McGregor). That the film’s title is “The Impossible” is simply perfect.

David Pollack of ESPN said it best, calling Alabama’s style of play “big boy football” and positing that each January –three of the past four of them, at least — the Tide has asked the top challenger to step into the middle of the ring and trade knuckles. Nobody has yet bested the nasty Elephants in that tussle.

Eddie Lacy rolls past Manti Te’o and other Irish pursuers. Again.

Starting Five

1. Until Everett Golson dove into the end zone on an option keeper late in the third quarter to make the score 35-7, Alabama had scored 69 unanswered points in three BCS NCGs dating back to the 2010 contest versus Texas in Pasadena.

2. The state of Alabama has produced the past four national champions. The last seven national champions have been both SEC schools and schools that are either inside Alabama or in a state that borders Alabama. So, Paul Finebaum has a good gig.

3. The fastest player on the Notre Dame football team, George Atkinson III, never touched the ball on a play from scrimmage.

4. No truth to the reports that Barrett Jones shoved A.J. McCarron because his quarterback had just informed him that Kramer had moved to California.’

5. So, apparently Brent Musburger, 73, still has some coal in the furnace. At least when it comes to evaluating McCarron’s girlfriend. Good for him. The last time Brent so publicly acknowledged a female in the stands at a college football game, she became Jenn Sterger. Just sayin’…

If the number fits (remember, that’s a mirror), wear it…

Reserves

On the bright side for Domers, the men’s hoops team did defeat No. 21 Cincinnati on the road, 66-60, to move to 14-1.

The Washington Wizards, who own the NBA’s worst record (5-28), defeat the Oklahoma City Thunder, who own the league’s best record (26-8). The Wizards were without their two top scorers. Of Washington’s five wins in 33 games, two have come versus the two franchises who played in last June’s NBA Finals, Oklahoma City and Miami. All that said, we are big fans of OKC’s new alternate road unis…

Thunderwear

In the current issue of Rolling Stone, writer Erik Hedegaard spends a hilarious day with Eighties icon Don Johnson, whose career has been resurrected thanks to memorable turns in “Eastbound and Down” (as Eduardo Sanchez) and “Django Unchained”.  Asked if his, er, endowment is the inspiration behind the slang term “Johnson”, the former Sonny Crockett reveals that he was once astounded at the sight of a bare-naked Dennis Johnson emerging from the shower in the Boston Celtics locker room. “Dude,” says Don, ” that’s who put the Johnson in Johnson.”

The late Dennis Johnson, according to Don Johnson, was a very Johnson

By the way, the article properly credits “Miami Vice” with being the first cop show to deftly mix music with detective work. The show’s concept was simpy “MTV Cops.” Phil Collins’ “In the Air Tonight” and Glenn Frey’s “Smuggler’s Blues” got solid play on this show — Frey actually had a role in one episode — but this scene, featuring Godley & Creme’s “Cry”, was my favorite.

It’s No. 1 vs. No. 2 again tonight for Notre Dame. The #2 ranked men’s hockey team is in Minneapolis to take on top-ranked Minnesota. The game also features father vs. son. Freshman Mario Lucia of Notre Dame, the reigning CCHA freshman of the month and part of the US Junior team that just won the world title last week, will be squaring off against daddy Don, Minnesota’s head coach. The whole family will be on hand, including mom Joyce, brother Tony and sisters Ali and Jessie. Ali is a sports reporter for WAVY-TV in Hampton Roads, Virginia.

Reporters don’t cheer… nor do sisters/daughters.