Starting Five

1. “Facebook Unveils new Friend-Based Search Tool”

      Isn’t that what Facebook is? No, silly. The new tool is currently known as “graph search”. As Facebook quasi-founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg explains, “You need to be able to ask the query like, who are my friends in San Francisco?” Zuckerberg foresees graph search replacing the old tool, which was popularly known as “your brain.”

2. Sally Jenkins

Our fierce and forthright former colleague, the author of “It’s Not About The Bike”, appears on Charlie Rose. The host asks, “Did he apologize to you, Sally?” She answers: “He did. He did. He was sorry that my reputation had taken a hit…I had hoped he was clean. He is not. I don’t condone it but I forgive him.”

3. Bo Knows IU

      Wisconsin tackles No. 2 Indiana for the 11th consecutive time, and hands the Hoosiers their first loss in Assembly Hall in more than a year. Badger coach Bo Ryan is now 17-3 all-time versus Indiana.

4. Flori-Duh: The Case of the Atomic Wedgie

    A Florida man, Charlie Ross — who did not interview Sally Jenkins last night — was arrested after sneaking up on people in a movie theater and giving them wedgies. One theatergoer was not amused (just one?) and filed charges. “This person did not want to get a wedgie,” said Dave Bristow of the Manatee Sheriff’s Office. “Who would want to get a wedgie?”

   A wag of the finger to the reporter who wrote this story for not identifying the title of the film.

   In a related story, we are filing charges against our older brother in Maricopa County Superior Court later today, depending on the statute of limitations for wedgies.

5. “The Trojans will head to the locker room for a 15-minute heating-up period, and then they will meet with the media…” Yesterday Scott Wolf of  the Los Angeles Daily News –and, surprise, NOT Shelley Smith — broke a story about a post-game fracas in the USC locker room following the Trojans’ 21-7 loss to Georgia Tech in the Sun Bowl.
“It was one of the worst things I’ve seen in a locker room,” said a player who wished not to be identified and who obviously never showered with Dennis Johnson (Hey-O!).

Apparently the altercation began after a few Trojan underclassmen questioned the leadership of the team’s seniors. Fight on, gentlemen. Fight on.

Reserves

Unranked St. John’s defeats No. 20 Notre Dame at Madison Square Garden. We know, you’re all Joy Behar (“So what? Who cares?”) about this, but Irish hoops fans are wondering why coach Mike Brey went all Erik Spoelstra on his best player, All-America candidate center Jack Cooley, down the stretch. While Cooley, who is averaging a double-double, did not have his best game, he sat for the final ten or so minutes in the midst of a tight game.

Granted, the Irish made an 18-4 run without Cooley, erasing a 12-point second-half deficit. But, in the waning moments, with the Irish trailing 64-63, Cooley’s replacement, seldom-used senior Tom Knight, received a pass under the basket and was all alone. The six-foot-ten Knight went up with the shot and had it blocked by six-foot-three D’Angelo Harrison.

Does Cooley get his shot blocked there (at worst, he goes to the free throw line)? Is he even that open (probably not)? Was Brey sending Cooley a message (perhaps)? Still, Brey threw away a game at an arena where the Irish have lost four straight.

*****

This is incoming Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew’s signature. This is the top of a Hostess cupcake. We’re not the first to point this out (Jimmy Kimmel, others) but we felt obligated to share.

***
The Chicago Bears give Marc Trestman a pretty cool 56th birthday gift: they hire him as their new head coach. Trestman is an attorney –perfect for dealing with the NFL — and a Minneapolis native. Have you ever met anyone from the Twin Cities who wasn’t cool? Either have we.

Starting Five

1. “I think it’s certainly the biggest interview I’ve ever done…” (Tom Cruise is going to be couch-hopping mad at that assertion). Finally, after all these hours, Oprah Winfrey opens up about her interview with Lance Armstrong that occurred yesterday and will not air until Thursday. How did CBS land this interview? Gayle King. In that clip Oprah informs us that she had the erstwhile seven-time Tour de France winner visit her at her Maui valhalla and they spoke for four hours about agreeing to do this interview. Now THAT is the conversation I’d really enjoy hearing. Oh, and you should watch this compelling 2006 conversation between ESPN’s Bob Ley and Lance.

Remember this scene from City of Angels? It’s headed to the same conclusion as Lance’s legacy.

 

2. Apple dropping at a Newtonian rate Sir Isaac himself would be astonished that the world’s wealthiest company, whose stock (ticker AAPL) peaked at a few dollars over $700 in late September, has now fallen below $500. It began with the thud of Apple Maps replacing Google Maps, and then there was the revelation that CEO Tim Cook attended Auburn (!). But seriously, we recall a morning in late September, when the stock was treading water at just above $700, when CNBC’s Jim Cramer said, “I think people might want to hold off on buying Apple”, which was code for, “SELL APPLE!” How low will it go? One analyst gives it a downside risk of $400, which is where it was at this time last year.

3. For best results, read this transcript of Jodie Foster’s Golden Globes soliloquy while listening to this classic Diana Ross tune. I encourage you to read Patrick Strudwick’s essay in The Guardian if for no other reason than that it is so well-written, from the lede itself to lines such as, when acknowledging that Foster was revealing her true self, that “this is as rare in Hollywood as egg yolks.” But mostly you should read it because Strudwick is British, writing for a British publication, and they’re smarter than we are. And you needn’t watch Downton Abbey to know that.

4. Heinz 57, Hawks 58… Atlanta scores just five points in the second quarter, 20 in the first half and 58 all game in a 97-58 plucking in Chicago. Just two nights earlier in the same building the Bulls had lost by 16 to the Phoenix Suns, who have last place in the Pacific Division locked down. The NBA: It’s all about how late your players are out the night before.

5. We know that Brent Musburger did not say that Holly Rowe herself was “really smokin’ tonight” because, I mean, c’mon, do I have to explain why? For those of you under the age of 35 or 40, this is Phyllis George, who was always smoking back in the Seventies back when she was Brent’s NFL Today co-host. Phyllis was the proto-Erin Andrews, kids.

Phyllis was George-ous (and she was Brent’s ol’ co-host, pardner)

Reserves

This! THIS! by John Oliver of The Daily Show is phenomenal. Hilarious, sad and inspired. I don’t know if they give Peabody Awards for faux news show segments, but this should be taught by every highbrow adjunct professor at a J-school in the nation. Really, CNN is eliminating its investigative news division? Isn’t this like McDonald’s eliminating hamburgers? 

Oliver’s Army’s is here to stay…

And the dude who is a media consultant, his surname is Adgate??? (first-ballot All Aptly-Named Team right there). Listen. If you don’t watch this, and right now, I will go full Liam Neeson in Taken. I will hunt you down. I will find you. And I will kill you.

And stick around for the Will McAvoy cameo, kids.

Also, if you don’t think investigative journalism, overseas or domestic, can influence history, I give you “All The President’s Men” or this outstanding tome, which you probably haven’t read but will love, “Once Upon a Distant War.”

HARMSTRONG

So, it’s 1996 and Lance Armstrong is first diagnosed with testicular cancer. At the time he has yet to win anything more than a stage or two of the Tour de France, but certainly he is one of the world’s most promising cyclists at the age of 25. Anyway, no more than a day or two after the diagnosis, whom does Lance phone?

Steve Scott.

Steve Scott, at the time, had held the American record in the mile (3:47.69) for 14 years and indeed would do so until 2007. Scott, then age 40, was a testicular cancer survivor. So possibly, and who could dispute it without any real evidence, Lance was simply phoning Steve, one superior athlete who just happened to get testicular cancer before the age of 35, to another. That may be all that it was.

Great Scott

I don’t know the stats on contracting testicular cancer, or how much greater the risk becomes if one takes steroids and other types of PEDs. I don’t know. But I do know that Lance phoned Steve and I do wonder what they spoke about.

Now, for those of you who equivocate all of Lance’s misdeeds in the name of what he has done to assist the fight against cancer, well, everyone is anti-cancer. And all of his work has been monumental. You cannot take that away. On the other wheel, how authoritative a spokesperson would Armstrong have been had he never won a Tour de Farce France.

And to that point, yes, they just don’t give away Tour de France triumphs. That Armstrong won one, much less seven, after beating cancer is, like so much of his life, miraculous. But none of that goes to the character of the man: a person who was willing to lie, to threaten and bully, to destroy the credibility of others (which he did) for years, in pursuit of his own glory.

He’s not honest, man. It’s just that simple.

To paraphrase the lyrics of an erstwhile paramour, “He don’t bring us anything but down.”

******

Regional covers for this week’s Sports Illustrated. Penny-wise and pound-foolish.

Speaking of coins, that whole trillion-dollar coin idea, one that folks such as Brian Williams kept intoning that “serious people” are talking about (as opposed to us frivolous people?). Do you need to be a Nobel Prize-winning economist to understand that the idea is batshit crazy? It makes no more sense than that old Saturday Night Live bit about the bank that does nothing more than make change (“People ask how we make a profit. My answer: volume.”). The only fiduciary aspect of such coin that makes any sense to us is that, unlike the penny, the coin would cost less to mint than its actual value.

Shouldn’t Mark Titus be the face of the trillion dollar coin?

More Golden Globules

Doesn’t Molly Shannon deserve at least a shout-out for the opening of Jodie Foster’s speech (she didn’t even use Sally O’Malley or “Saturday Night Live” but simply “SNL”)….Did George Clooney win an award for bringing the same date to the same awards show for more than one consecutive year? And are there Stacy Keibler elves, and what exactly do they do?… Loved this Amy Poehler line: “Hi Ben. I’m from Boston, too….you’re not better than me”….So the surrogate father of Jodie Foster’s kids was The Geek from “Sixteen Candles”?… where, by the way, is John Cusack in all of this? I miss him… The James Franco line was particularly funny because he’s a serious friend of the SNL cast…

Who CARES what they talk about?

Starting Five

1. “I am single…” Once upon a time in Arizona, there was a glorious punk band named Jodie Foster’s Army, but after her speech tonight at the Golden Globes, we are kind of all soldiers in Jodie Foster’s Army. After being honored with the Cecil B. Demille (i.e. Lifetime Achievement) Award, Foster delivered the type of address you just don’t hear anymore: direct, sincere, pithy, sage and courageous. Moving.

Foster circled around the fact that she is gay while leaving a clear imprint that of course she is. More importantly, she expressed the quaint notion that there is dignity in maintaining one’s privacy (you wonder how many people attempted to friend her on Facebook after being impressed by her elocution).

In a Hollywood and Vain-universe utterly infatuated with vapidness (“Who are you wearing?”), Foster, the Yale alum, spoke with such force and clarity that you must know that her sexuality is not the only thing that for decades has made her feel like an outsider. That she counts, and publicly thanked, such erstwhile and current Hollywood pariahs as Robert Downey, Jr., and Mel Gibson reminds you that she is her own person.

That the camera panned so often to Gibson, a close friend, was both smart and insightful. After all, this was Foster’s “FREEEEDOM!” moment, akin to Gibson’s in “Braveheart.”

This was, in terms of pop culture, the first unforgettable moment of 2013. The final words of Foster’s speech, in which she noted that she may be starting a new, less glitter-filled chapter, of her life, were delivered as the camera panned to various starlets whose eyes were glistening (and Foster’s isn’t even in the early throes of some wretchedly incurable disease). Here they are: “Maybe it (her career) will be so quiet and delicate that only dogs can hear it whistle. But it will be my writing on the wall: ‘Jodie Foster was here. I still am. And I want to be seen, to be understood deeply. and to be not so very lonely.”

Bravo, Clarice.

Foster no longer hears the screaming of the lambs…

As expected, former Weekend Update co-hosts Tina Fey and Amy Poehler ripped it up co-hosting the Golden Globes, which is the official launch of (trumpets blaring) Awards Season, or as it’s known here in the Northeast, “That Which Gets Us Through Winter.” One of their better lines, while discussing “Zero Dark Thirty” and its burgeoning controversy, came from Poehler: “I haven’t seen the movie yet, but when it comes to torture, I trust the lady (Kathryn Bigelow) who spent three years married to James Cameron.”

Actually, that Darcy St. Budge film, Dog President, sounds like something we’d like (“as a psychic who solves her own murder…”)

2. The NFL divisonal playoff round: Rahim Moore of the Denver Broncos illustrates how to play junior varsity high school-level safety; Colin Kaepernick rushes for an NFL-record (for a quarterback) 181 yards; Tony Gonzalez wins the first playoff game of his 16-year Hall of Fame career in what came within a few seconds –and a 49-yard field goal by teammate Matt Bryant — of being the final game of his NFL career; and Tom Brady won the 17th game of his gilded NFL tenure, which is a record for a QB (and we know it takes more than just a quarterback to win a championship). Not bad for a sixth-round pick.

3. So, my homophone Jon Walters had quite an ugly day for Stoke in the English Premier League on Saturday. Walters, 29, struck not one but two own goals in a 4-0 home loss to Chelsea. Walters also missed a penalty kick in the 89th minute and struck a ball off his face. The Daily Mail is here to cheer up Walters by dredging up five other ignominious performances from the pitch.

Walters headed not one but two balls past his own keeper

4. And now it’s time for Coors Light Cold Hard Quotes, starring Joe Biden. On Friday the vice-president spoke about the various groups (the NRA, the entertainment and video game industries) with whom the White House discussed the fractious issue of gun violence last week in the aftermath of the Newtown Massacre. Biden, delivering a line not even Jason Sudekis would’ve dreamt up, said, “We know there is no silver bullet” to ending gun violence. Never change, Joe. Never change.

5. Is the greatest cyclist ever…backpedaling? Lance Armstrong will appear on “Oprah’s Next Chapter” this Thursday at 9 p.m., “ready to speak candidly” about the doping allegations that caused him to be fleeced of seven Tour de France titles (as opposed to Toure de France, in which you cycle around Bourdeaux region with that MSNBC personality whose name is the most interesting aspect of him). The good news is that Armstrong has not hired Joe Amandola to represent him.

Reserves

Golden Globes Ruminations of Randomness:  Is it me or does Adele only own one dress?… Sure, Kristen Wiig and Will Ferrell doing a Garth and Cat-style bit as presenters was funny (Should Fred Arnisen be annoyed that Ferrell stole his role?), but the funniest moment comes when the camera cuts away to Tommy Lee Jones being completely unamused (3:31 of clip). He’s looking at them thinking, You GET OUTTA HERE!… Did Ann Hathaway marry Ryan Gosling’s older, slightly less hot brother?…Who EVER thought that a dozen or so years after Friends went off the air that Matt Leblanc would be the lone cast member receiving a Golden Globes nomination? How YOU doin’?… I really only hear the name “Hugh Dancy” these days when his wife, Claire Danes, thanks him during awards show acceptance speeches (even if she forgot to mention him this evening)… Amy Poehler sitting on George Clooney’s lap –now that was funny.