Starting Five

1. Hostess, manufacturer of Ho Ho’s, Ding Dongs and other foods that sound like North Korean tyrants (was that wrong?), files a motion to liquidate in U.S. Bankruptcy Court. More on this in Reserves.

Farewell, my cream-filled friend

2. New York defeats San Antonio — the Knicks trailed by 16 in the second quarter but there is no such thing as an insurmountable first-half lead in the NBA — 104-100 to move to 6-0 for the first time in 19 seasons. Break up the Knicks? Hell no, just bring Amar’e back.

The rest of the Eastern Conference, with the exception of Miami, which doesn’t care, are hoping that this man can stymie the Knicks

3. ESPN.com headline: “49ers Harbaugh has procedure for heart.” Somewhere the Tin Man looks on enviously.

“They gave him a heart before me?!? What’s his deal?”

4. Vice President Joe Biden gets a cameo (video at bottom) in the season premiere of “Parks & Community” or whatever the hell that show is named. Joe did fine, but Jason Sudeikis does him better.

5. Michelle Miguel Caruso Cabrera wins the American League MVP, quite handily by the way, over Mike Trout (you do realize that the Angels have now had a Trout and a Salmon [Tim] in their outfield, both of whom were American League Rookies of the Year? If I’m the Angels, I’m signing James Halibut or Jose Talapia, pronto!)

“You voted for Cabrera? This means WAR!”

Reserves

Today’s Hostess bankruptcy illustrates exactly what this country’s polarized political climate also does: that there is blame to be shared on both sides, and until either side realizes that its most extreme elements only serve to undermine the good of the whole, we will continually fail where compromise should have won the day.

The story you may read about why Hostess went bankrupt is that 3,000 unionized workers, out of a work force of 18,500, refused to accept an 8% pay cut and a reduction in health care benefits. And that’s true. And certainly most reasonable people would agree that unions have in many circumstances become implacable and bullies.

On the other hand here is a quote from Daniel Smith, 23, who until today was earning an hourly wage of $11.64 at a Hostess manufacturing plant in Kansas: “I don’t want to lose my job. It’s Christmas time. But if I have to take cuts they’re talking about I can get more from unemployment.”

God bless us, every one.

Now, I cannot verify the facts presented in of this article, and I realize that is a union website, but it does claim that Hostess CEO Greg Rayburn was given a 300% raise, from $775,000 to $2.25 million. Should the CEO be the highest-paid employee? Almost always, yes. Does he need a 300% raise while other employees are being asked to take an 8% pay cut?

Instead of answering that, let’s talk about gay bison, shall we? Yes, bison. Now, a year or so ago I watched an Animal Planet or Discovery show that discussed how in many herds of North American bison, homosexuality takes places. As I watched footage of male bison humping one another (“you mess with the bull, you get the horns” indeed!), the narrator informed me that while it is entirely possible that some bison may actually be gay, the larger issue going on here was sexual male dominance. See, the dominant bull in the herd mates with an inordinate number of cows (known to biologists as “The DiCaprio Effect”) but it goes beyond that. The dominant male also challenges any males that dare to step on his turf, extended as it is.

Is this an inappropriate moment to tell you that I make Ding Dongs?

So, what you have is a lot of cows not being serviced as much as they’d like to be, a dominant bull who most likely also has his own reality show and spends his time building golf courses in hallowed areas of Scotland and attempting to prove that the president is Kenyan, and a plethora of sexually frustrated bulls who are left with no choice other than chastity or homosexuality (“Coming up next on ‘Lockup!'”).

So what is the answer? Are you a Socialist? I’m not. On the other hand, how much is way more than enough? Is “A Shit Ton of Money” enough? Or must you make so much money, while asking the bulls at the bottom of the herd to just squint and take it, that you actually wind up driving the herd to extinction?

I once read –and I don’t know if they still do this — that the founders of Ben & Jerry’s had a rule in place that the highest-paid employee may not earn more than seven times the lowest employee. Socialism? Perhaps. Sanity? Well, more than a company that manufactures products that everyone loves going bankrupt because they couldn’t make their salary structure work.

p.s. I know that there are more market forces at work than just this, but certainly the union’s greed and the top execs’ avarice had much to do with this downfall.

On to more cheery economic news: The New York Road Runners, a NON-PROFIT group (“If this is poverty, I cannot wait to see chastity!”), raked in $53.8 million last year, according to the New York Post. CEO Mary Wittenberg earned $501,000, which she deserves. What is curious, though, is that the NYRRC gave just $494,000 (less than 1% of its income) to charity and that it spent $72,000 on a lobbyist to give money to Road Runner youth running programs (presumably, if the NYRRC can add, they’d want a figure of more than $72,000).

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Notre Dame senior Lauren Chval on her classmate, Manti Te’o. Chval is talented and bright-eyed and my bet is that this young woman is going places.

The Daily Show does it again

This is so beautiful. So, so beautiful. Aaron Sorkin could not have framed or written this entire scene any better.

Bill O’Reilly on the 2012 election outcome: “Traditional America as we knew it, is gone. Ward, June, Wally and the Beav…outta here.”

Or as Chris Rock likes to say: “If it’s all white, it’s alllllllll right.”

O’Reilly blames 2012 election for death of this family, which ceased to fictionally exist in 1963 (Hey, as long as Eddie Haskell survived, we’re cool)

One week before Thanksgiving — a holiday that celebrates the idea of immigrants staking their claim to an already inhabited land and using sheer might and population numbers to inexorably and irretrievably alter the demographic landscape of this land — Bill O’Reilly and Bernard Goldberg do a mutual reacharound about how the 2012 election was the death knell for “traditional America.”

Honestly,  Bill and Bernie almost make it too easy for Jon Stewart and his writing staff on The Daily Show. Stewart points out that in the 19th century the Irish were considered a minority scourge and that they were scaring the hell out of traditional America. If you don’t believe me, just ask Fielding Yost. You think the only reason Michigan did not want Notre Dame in the Big Ten was because they played their football good? You think that everyone using the term “Fighting Irish” meant it as a compliment?

Stewart nails the irony and hypocrisy of it all in this closing riff, which is five times more valuable than any civics class: “Bernie, Bill… you don’t need to worry so much. What you are demonstrating is the health and vitality of America’s GREATEST tradition: a fevered, frightened ruling class lamenting the rise of a new ethnically and religiously diverse new class, one that will destroy all that is virtuous and good and bring the American experiment crashing to the ground. Except you’re forgetting one thing: that is the American experiment. An ethnic group on America’s shores to be reviled and hated, living in squalor, or if they’re lucky, Squalor Heights, working hard to give their children or grandchildren the opportunity to (poop) on the next group landing on our shores. So relax. RELAX. Unless your name is Sitting ‘Bill’, you have no reason to complain.”

And might I add, Happy Thanksgiving, guys.

The funniest line from Stewart’s essay –and it is tangential– is here: “Back in the ‘Leave it to Beaver’ days that you (O’Reilly) miss so much, America wouldn’t even elect a Catholic president, until JFK  gave a speech assuring Protestant clergy that he wouldn’t take orders from the Pope… although Kennedy did admit he took orders from something else that starts with a ‘P’ and also resembles a wrinkled old man wearing a hat.”

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You’re Barack Obama. You’ve just been reelected president and you’ve just seen a screening of Lincoln, a film which devotes much of its plot to relating how one of your predecessors haggled and wrangled a recalcitrant group of congressmen into supporting a constitutional amendment to liberate your very own ancestors. Moreover, these obstructionists were far more hostile than the caucus that is currently opposing you on the fiscal cliff debate, many of whom are the descendants — at least regionally and certainly politically — of the men depicted in the film. Earlier this week you pulled out your “Come at me, Bob Rumson!” line from “The American President” during your first press conference in six months. You are thinking to yourself, Lincoln had to persuade a bunch of senators and reps to free the slaves. All I have to do is persuade John Boehner and his cronies that their largest campaign contributors will survive without being able to put foies gras on their Apple Jacks. Damn, I got this.

Speaking of Lincoln, it’s going to win Daniel Day Lewis an unprecedented third Best Actor Oscar and it’ll likely win Steven Spielberg a Best Picture Academy Award. And I say this because another actor with a prominent role in the film, Jackie Earle Haley,  played Kelly Leak in The Bad News Bears 36 years ago (vintage Eighties teen douche James Spader also has a role). You know what film was nominated for a Best Picture award during the 1976 Oscar telecast? Jaws.

Jackie Earle Haley as ringer Kelly Leak in The Bad News Bears in 1976…

…and as racist Alexander Stephens in Lincoln, in which he agrees to vote in favor of the 13th Amendment in exchange for a date with Tatum O’Neal.

A hearty and very enthusiastic congratulations to my friend –and Jeremy, or is it Jason, London doppelganger- Steve Cannella, who has been promoted to Assistant Managing Editor at Sports Illustrated. It’s nice to see one of the good guys win.

Starting Five

2. FBI agent Fred Humphries appeared in the Seattle Times today, even though he works out of Tampa, because the photo of him below was sent to a Seattle Times reporter and other friends back in 2010. This is the “shirtless photo sent to Jill Kelley” we’ve heard so much about, but upon reading more,  we’re going to give Humphries the benefit of the doubt here that the photo is simply a self-effacing joke mixed with a sprinkle of pride about his physique. It’s a visual humblebrag. Also, the more we read about him, he appears to be a fairly principled dude, an idealist perhaps, who is willing to question authority if he believes in an issue. Careful, Fred. You may find yourself writing a blog soon.

You can see this picture recreated any Saturday afternoon in the West Village

2. Texas A&M freshman wide receiver Thomas Johnson, who had been missing since Monday, is found unharmed in Dallas three days later “with the help of Dallas police and the Texas Rangers.” We are anxious to hear what role Yu Darvish had in the discovery of Johnson, who actually had three catches for 22 yards in last Saturday’s upset of top-ranked Alabama. Johnson is third on the Aggies in receptions with 30. No word on why he disappeared or when he will return to the team.

3. Do Not Mess with the Zlatan. By now you must have seen the goal by Swedish national player Zlatan Ibrahimovic (his father is a Bosnian Muslim, his mother is Croatian, but he was born in Sweden) in last night’s match versus England. The goal, a rainbow bicycle kick from about 35 yards out, was described by the BBC as one that “combined unfathomable imagination and expert technique.” Ian Darke  referred to it as “simply fantastic.”

It was also the six-foot-five Ibrahimovic’s fourth goal of the match, which is at least equally astounding.

The most incredible part of this story? Zlatan’s goal in the inagural match in Stockholm’s Friends Arena came just hours after FIFA announced its candidates for the 10 Best Goals of 2012. This goal is thus ineligible for that prize.

4. Would it be fair to nickname Houston Rocket rookie Royce White the “Drive-By Shooter?” White, you may recall, has a fear of flying. He had yet to appear in a game this season but did accompany the team on its flight to the season opener in Detroit, before the Rockets shipped (bussed?) him off to the D-League. The question becomes, Is White’s fear of flying greater than his fear of not earning a healthy six-figure salary?

Why can’t White just travel on this ESPN bus with Breen and Van Gundy?

5. BP — British Petroleum — agrees to pay $4.5 billion in fines and penalties for the premier episode of The Newsroom for the 2011 explosion on the Deepwater Horizon and the resulting oil spill off the Louisiana coast. It may be the largest criminal penalty in U.S. history, although BP’s 3rd-quarter revenues were greater than that sum.

Reserves

We personally cannot wait until Barack Obama opens the fiscal cliff haggling process with “I am the president of the United States CLOTHED IN IMMENSE POWER!” POTUS, by the way, was scheduled to see a screening of the film tonight (Thursday ). Hopefully not at Ford’s Theater.

Just another politician from Illinois who rated well with minorities…

Christian Ponder: Man of Steele.

And now, a few words about Manti Te’o

Inspired by a morning round of tweets from yours truly

This week, full disclosure, I have been compiling a pile of data, anecdotes and other minutiae about Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o for Notre Dame’s sports information department. The project, for which I am being remunerated, has nothing to do — at least not from my end — about promoting Te’o for the Heisman Trophy, but rather its purpose is to educate Heisman voters who may be interested in learning more about Te’o.

I share that fact because deep down, unless a few extraordinary events take place the next two Saturdays, I don’t believe that Te’o will win the Heisman Trophy. And I certainly don’t believe anything that I will write will advance him any closer to doing so, although he may still tender an invite to New York City.

574 is the area code for South Bend

And yet, if you are a Notre Dame fan, or alumnus, this should not matter to you at all. Because what Manti Te’o has meant to Notre Dame over the past four-plus years (I return all the way to February 4, 2009, the day that he signed his national letter of intent) is beyond any bronze baubles. Allow me to re-type my tweets from this morning, which was more of a Twitter rant, actually:

“If I had to give Manti Te’o credit for any 1 thing, it’s that he brought sincerity and humility back to representing ND. The Clausen…

…and Tate era ended with them leaving a year early (fine) and an embarrassing presser in which an oversized illustration of the 2 of…

them served as a backdrop. It was a figurative black eye 4 program while Clausen still sported a real one. Te’o returned ideal that u..

go there inherently for its experience, not solely cuz HC has buddies in NFL Player personnel depts. ND lost its way for awhile. It took a…

Polynesian Mormon kid from North Shore of Oahu to set them straight. The Lord works in mysterious ways.

Many of my sportswriter pals would roll their eyes at me whenever I’d try to explain to ’em exactly what Te’o says every time he speaks.

The difference, of course, is that he has 417 career tackles and 6 more INTs than I do. Notre Dame, honestly, has never deserved the 100%…

Devotion Manti has given it. I sometimes think he gets the school, and its essence, better than most current administrators. But then, he…

did live in Dillon. Is he Heisman-worthy? I don’t care. But he did show, like the dude on library, the diff 1 person can make.

I don’t know how many hs seniors will come to ND b/c of Manti. I DO know that scores of 7-11 year-olds will end up there b/c of him.

Those were my tweets.

A few thoughts:

— I’ve never been anything but anabashedly proud that I am an alumnus of Notre Dame, and I have always endeavored to separate my love for my alma mater and my objective coverage of its football program. I’ll leave it to others to determine if I have succeeded.

— Manti Te’o arrived at a time when Notre Dame football was at its nadir, and that’s not just about the team’s record under former coach Charlie Weis. The program — and this is particularly troubling since the team was coached by an alumnus — had lost its way. Weis was selling kids an express route to the NFL whereas he should’ve been selling them the opportunity to be a part of the most storied program in college football history (as well as one of a very few handful of FBS schools ranked in the top 20 nationally academically).

— I attended Charlie Weis’ last press conference, his last game, and his last public appearance at Notre Dame, in which he sat between quarterback Jimmy Clausen and wide receiver Golden Tate when they publicly announced their decision to forgo their final season of eligibility. I don’t fault Tate or Clausen one bit for going pro, but I wonder whose idea it was to produce a backdrop, an over-the-top mural of both players that celebrated not the school but the individuals? And there was Weis, who had promised to attend but not to speak, sitting there between them.

The William Wallace of Notre Dame football

Jimmy Clausen was a good, not great, college quarterback, but he never got Notre Dame. He never understood the experience. Which is too bad for him. Golden Tate was as fearless and often as miraculous a college wideout as I’ve ever seen, and I’ll never forget when he almost singlehandedly led the Irish back versus USC in 2009, his final season. His final touchdown catch of that game, in which he absorbed the best lick that USC headhunter Taylor Mays could lay on him and barely even flinched before tossing the ball to the ground somewhat nonchalantly, is vintage Tate. You wonder what a coach like Brian Kelly would do with Tate added to his arsenal.

— But both Clausen and Tate were just a little too savvy. A little too wise. A little too experienced and certainly in Clausen’s case, far too coy, to be representative of the student body. Te’o, if he had never played a down of football in South Bend, would typify the Notre Dame student that I knew. Now, sure, a lot of us had cheeky senses of humor, too (a la John Goodman, from what I can decipher on Twitter), but the sincerity you see on display by Te’o, the way he loves both the experience he is having at Notre Dame and the people he has met, is honest and undisguised.

— Through 21 games at Notre Dame, Manti Te’o had helped the Irish to no better than a 10-11 record. In the last two weeks of October, 2010, the Fighting Irish allowed Navy to score 35 points in an 18-point loss and then lost at home to Tulsa. In the interim student videographer Declan Sullivan died when the hydraulic lift he was standing on blew over due to wind gusts of greater than 50 m.p.h. Te’o, from what has been reported, was one of the first and one of the few players who ran through the break in the fence and actually saw Sullivan lying on the pavement in the final moments of his life.

— I remember that day well. I was there and arrived on the scene about 20 minutes after the tragedy took place. That night myself and a fellow reporter walked along the  South Quad, trying to obtain any information that we could about Sullivan from his friends and rector at Fisher Hall. It was an otherwise serene late October evening and as we walked past Dillon Hall, past the patio that sits on the front northwest corner of the dormitory, we saw a Hawaiian student strumming a ukelele. He was accompanied by a couple of other students. No one was talking. I’m pretty certain that the ukelele player was Kona Schwenke. I cannot recall whether or not Manti was among that group, but I try to imagine him that night, wondering what his college career was up to that point. He was playing for a sub-.500 team and this athlete who actually takes the time to learn the names of the Irish walk-ons had just witnessed the death of a fellow student who was part of the program.

— Since that horrible day Notre Dame is 22-5. Te’o has been the team’s unquestioned leader and more importantly than returning the Irish to the top 10, he has helped this university rediscover its identity. It is not an NFL proving ground. That is simply a corollary. There are numerous stories of how Te’o relates well to children, how he takes it upon himself to write a young cancer patient an email (and no one ever knows the better of it except that someone on the receiving end alerts the media). He is, for Notre Dame, not what SI called him — The Full Manti — but rather a Manti in full.

— As a boy I dreamt of attending Notre Dame. Loved the school. Worshipped Joe Montana and Kris Haines and Bob Crable and pretended to be them. Then I arrived as a freshman and my calculus professor spoke like Boris from the Underdog cartoons and there was this diabolical chemistry prof named Emil Hofman who made you take a quiz EVERY FRIDAY your entire freshman year. And the weather was the only thing colder than the girls.

But then, some time in the midst of my second semester, the place became home. And it has been ever since, even though I haven’t stepped foot on campus in more than two years. It will always be. I note all of this because I wonder if Manti had a similar experience. True, he was a USC fan as a kid but he obviously felt directed toward Notre Dame. Then there must have been a period of disillusionment, a battle of faith. Eventually, though, he cloaked himself in the essence of the school. There’s a story in The Observer, wonderfully written by Lauren Chval, in which the author notes that her little brother, also a Dillonite, had told her that Te’o had a habit of keeping his dorm room open and happily chatting up any freshmen who stopped by to see him in person. I can totally see that taking place. Tony Rice used to do the same thing 24 years ago when I was an R.A. in Dillon.

Anyway, this had dragged on far too long. Are you still reading? Manti Te’o arrived on campus amidst a period of darkness, of cynicism, of people fervently believing that simply being Notre Dame had no appeal to a demographic that wasn’t old enough to remember Lou Holtz or Chris Zorich. Arrived during a crisis of faith. But, simply through his actions, both on and off the field, his pureness of purpose and his uncompromising sincerity, he began to win converts. He gained a following. Opened eyes. Even people who detest Notre Dame have difficulty finding anything to dislike about Te’o. He launched a crusade simply by being true to himself.

You might even say he has been, in terms of the resurrection of this long middling program…messianic.

Starting Five

1. Here’s our favorite quote thus far concerning Jill Kelley: “There is no affair,” the senior official said. “She is a bored, rich socialite involved with every single senior commander at CENTCOM, because she worked as an honorary ambassador.” Also, if you think Kelley’s canary-yellow dress and her left arm pushing that brunette wave off her forehead was not her “Alright Mr. DeMille, I’m ready for my close-up” moment, then we need to talk about women.

“On the next episode of, The Real Housewives of The Defense Department…”

UPDATE: Jill Kelley invokes her “inviolable” right as an “honorary consul general” to keep trespassers off her lawn. This lady puts the t-i-t in entitlement.

2. “Authorities are looking into some 20,000 to 30,000 pages of documents” between U.S. Marine General John Allen and Jill Kelley. Thoughts: 1. Our minds flash back to that night last April in which we spent an hour or two poring over the text message records between Bobby Petrino and Jessica Dorrell and having our gast flabbered by a.) the sheer volume and b) the thought of a man who has such a seemingly important job devoting this much time to an extramarital affair. 2) As Jon Stewart (fast becoming the patron saint of IAH, we know) said last night, “That would be fine if this were an affair between Stephen King and George R.R. Martin… I mean, those guys are prolific…” 3) If the past five days don’t illuminate how hilariously neanderthal the military’s “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy regarding homosexuals serving in the military is, nothing will.

“C-c-c-c-c-c-catfight”

3. Let’s start casting the made-for-HBO film “Embedded”, which we are preemptively giving four stars, right now, shall we? Major General David Petraeus (Mark Harmon… Have you seen NCIS’ Nielsen ratings? ‘nuf said); Paula Broadwell (Angelina Jolie Emily Blunt (thanks to @MinnieSconnie)); General John Allen  (Chris Cooper), Jill Kelley (Marisa Tomei). Other working titles for the film include: SEMPER FlIrt, Womb of the Unknown Soldier, and, (from The Daily Show), Band of Boners.

4. People Magazine names its “Sexiest Man Alive” and, shockingly, it is NOT this man. Instead, it is the star of “21 Jump Street” and “Magic Mike”, Channing Tatum. Good-looking fellow, to be sure, but allow us to remind you that it is 2012 already and Ryan Gosling, Leo DiCaprio and Austin Murphy have still yet to win this award. A nation bows its head in shame.

Our planned wardrobe for next appearance on The Tony Barnhart show

5. No. 9 Duke beats No. 3 Kentucky, 75-68 but all you should care about is that glorious fade that Wildcat freshman seven-footer Nerlens Noel is sporting. When the given name Nerlens isn’t the most fascinating aspect of your identity, that’s something. Noel had 16 points and eight rebounds versus Duke and Miles Plumlee, a future NBA first-team All-Posterized  player.

The Fresh Prince of Lexington

Reserves 

Johnny Manziel leads Texas A&M to a glorious and magical upset of the nation’s top-ranked team — and defending national champion — Alabama, has a fun and fitting nickname (“Johnny Football” ) and has created the biggest splash in college football all season. So naturally Sports Illustrated puts Kansas State quarterback Collin Klein on the cover. Let us explain what most likely happened here. The story was hatched easily more than a week ago. At SI’s Thursday morning meeting — Thursday is SI’s Monday — everyone agreed that Klein still would get the cover. After all, the NBA preview has already come out and who’s going to buy a magazine with Matt Ryan on the cover?

Then Saturday happens. And SI has one of its top college football scribes, Andy Staples, in Tuscaloosa. But what about all that time (and money) the editors from capital “M” Manhattan have invested in the school from small “m” manhattan? So Klein, the presumptive favorite for the Heisman, earns the cover.

Nothing against Klein, who is a phenomenal quarterback, leader and person, but he is not the quarterback whose name was on everyone’s lips after Saturday. Johnny Football was.

Somewhere Mark Mulvoy is teeing up on a par-five dogleg right, wondering what has become of his magazine

Also, as this blind taste test should illustrate, Klein may not even deserve — at this moment, with two telling games remaining to be played — to finish second among quarterbacks in Heisman balloting:

Quarterback A:  No. 1 in the nation in passing efficiency; team’s record is 10-0; 28 TDs, five interceptions; 71.71% completion percentage.

Quarterback B: No. 2 in the nation in total offense; team’s record is 8-2, but both losses to schools currently in top ten; 1,000-plus yards rushing (averaging 101.4 yards per game); 18 TD passes, six interceptions; 15 touchdowns rushing.

Quarterback C: No. 8 in passing efficiency; No. 35 in total offense; team’s record is 10-0; 12 touchdown passes, three interceptions; 748 yards rushing, 19 rushing TDs.

Who are they? A is Oregon freshman Marcus Mariota, B is Johnny Football, and C is Klein.

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Also, yes, we too found the mention of “Chick-Fil-A” rather curious on the cover. After all, are any of those three undefeated teams and four one-loss schools even within a mile of being mentioned for the Chick-Fil-A Bowl? Is this product placement? Did the fast-food giant pay for this? If so, does SI have an obligation to reveal that? If not, why is Chick-Fil-A on the cover?

The Bride Wore White (and oversized gloves), The Groom Wore Orange: Two-time Olympic soccer gold medalist goalie Hope Solo, 31, and former NFL tight end Jerramy Stevens, 33, both of whom have strong ties to Seattle, got into a little domestic squabble on Monday morning (i.e., late Sunday night). The police were called in to settle the dispute and arrested Stevens (we would have loved if they’d thrown a yellow flag before cuffing him).

“Here comes the bride…” (sing it with me, people!)

This would not be such a big deal except that it occurred on the eve of their wedding day. Apparently the argument centered over whether the couple would reside in Florida or Washington (Duh! No state income tax in Florida, you list it as your primary residence no matter what). This is a matter that the couple should have resolved during their six months of pre-Cana classes, but then they’ve only been dating for two months. Oh, wait, we think that’s Russell Brand and Katy Perry calling on our other line.

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We just thought you should know that more than 15,000 fans jammed Rockefeller Center yesterday for the performance by One Direction on the Today Show (in case any 7th-grade boys reading this are wondering where that cute girl who sits behind them in Earth Science missed school). Somewhere Mary Wittenberg is SMH’ing and asking, “And you thought WE were diverting resources???”

One Direction had fans in all directions (oh, I get it! Clever….)

The NBA’s most drama-devoid elite team (San Antonio) defeats its polar opposite, the Lakers, 84-82, in Los Angeles. Thus endeth the Bernie Bickerstaff coaching era at Staples Center.

Speaking of fast-ending eras, the Miami Marlins plan to trade shortstop Jose Reyes to Toronto. Ha ha ha….