Starting Five

1. Jim Calhoun, who put Storrs on the map, to retire from UConn after 873 career wins and three national championships.

2. Happy Birds! Baltimore wins on Nate McLouth’s walk-off wallbanger to remain tied with the Yankees for first place. Every time the Orioles win, have you noticed, Tim Kurkjian’s voice rises an octave.

Baltimore? Baltimost!

3. “Have you seen my new internet movie about the Prophet Muhamad?” “No, but I’ve seen the reviews.”

4. “You down with ACC?” “Yeah, you know me.” “You down with ACC?” “Hey, we’re ND.”

5. Thinner and faster? 2011: Michael Floyd. 2012: iPhone 5.

The Bench

Worth noting in the wedding of the Atlantic Coast Conference and Notre Dame (except for football, which is a little like marrying Padma Lakshmi under the terms that she will not cook for you: it’s still a great deal, buuuuut….): there are numerous ACC administrators with Fighting Irish roots: North Carolina athletic director Bubba Cunningham played on Notre Dame’s golf team in the early 1980s and has both his bachelor’s degree and his MBA from Notre Dame. Cunningham worked in the Notre Dame athletic department from 1988-2002; Duke athletic director Kevin White was previously the athletic director at Notre Dame  (2000-2008) and directly preceded Jack Swarbrick; Clemson associate athletic director Tim Bourret is a class of ’77 alumnus who worked in the sports information department as a student in the 1970s; Gene Corrigan was Notre Dame’s athletic director from 1981-1987 (he hired Lou Holtz) and then left to become the commissioner of the ACC, a post he held for 11 years. Corrigan served as a consultant during this merger for ACC commissioner John Swofford. And, of course, former Notre Dame football coach Lou Holtz once coached at N.C. State (then again Dr. Lou also coached in the SWC, the Big Ten and SEC)

You’d still marry Padhma Lakshmi if she wouldn’t cook for you? Sure, you would. You’re the ACC.

Platform elevator in China plunges 30 stories, killing all 19 workers aboard it.

With all the chase scenes and all the bank heist films, nobody had ever thought of this. Genius, even though the four apprehended suspects also through the next five to ten years of their lives out the window as well.

Have you seen the play the Orioles made last night in which third baseman Manny Machado picked up the slow roller, faked the throw to first, and knew that shortstop J.J. Hardy would be covering the bag at third to trap the Tampa Bay Ray runner in a rundown? That’s the Buck Showalterest play we’ve ever seen.

The ACC accepted Notre Dame because the Fighting Irish met the conference’s minimum requirement of Hansbroughs (1).

Katylynn and Heather Welsch are Houston-area sisters, born on the same day two years apart. They’re also the fastest girls we know of who have yet to reach high school eighth grade. As an Outside magazine profile reveals, Katylynn, 12, recently won the XTERRA 21K Trail Run in Waco, Texas. Not for her age group. For all females. She finished 11th overall. Heather, who is 10, finished in third place in the women’s division.

“Hey, sole sisters…” KatyLynn and Heather Welsch are running prodigies.

Joan Walsh attacks Mitt Romney’s attack on Obama, in Salon. No, she is not the same person who sang “Life’s Been Good.” That’s Joe Walsh.

****

Perhaps this is navel-gazing and the rest of you don’t care. The fourth paragraph of ESPN’s story on the Notre Dame-ACC merger begins, “The move, first reported by ESPN’s Brett McMurphy…” Brett is a good friend, and no one has broken more stories on conference realignment in the past two years. It’s one reason he jumped from AOL Fanhouse being dissolved to CBS Sports to ESPN in little more than one year.

However, we do not believe Brett broke this story. We believe Pete Sampson of Irish Illustrated, a partner of Rivals.com, broke this story on Tuesday night. Said Sampson, “I reported it at 11:30 p.m. on Tuesday. If (Brett) beat that, he beat that. There’s a time-stamped post on our message board.”

There is nothing on McMurphy’s Twitter feed about the Notre Dame-ACC merger until about 9:45 a.m. yesterday (Wednesday). Sampson first reported it late Tuesday night, but he writes for a site that has a pay wall. Sampson does not tweet such breaking news, because the feeling is that it compromises the integrity of the site. Whether or not that true remains to be seen. But right now, people believe McMurphy broke this story (and Brett is the last person who would ever take undo credit; he doesn’t need to do so), but if he did, why did ESPN wait to report it until nearly 10 a.m. yesterday, when Sampson had already first reported it more than 10 hours earlier?

UPDATE: Brett just tweeted to me, “I never saw that report. If they had it first, they certainly deserve the credit.”

Brett McMurphy: Dogged college football reporter and a stand-up guy.

***

Jim Calhoun: I remember watching the first game of the 2011 Big East tournament, which began shortly after noon on a Tuesday in March before a half-empty Madison Square Garden. Sitting inside the Garden, knowing that U Conn had lost four of its last five games as they tipped off versus DePaul. And yet, by the end of that game, I thought to myself — and tweeted something to the effect — that I wouldn’t be surprised if the Huskies won the Big East tourney.

Kemba Walker, Calhoun’s last great leader.

As you know, behind charismatic point guard Kemba Walker, the Huskies far exceeded that prediction, capturing both the Big East tournament and the NCAA championship during an incredible 11-0 run. I doubt Calhoun had a more fulfilling month in his career. The final season was a disappointing denoument, but he’ll always have that March-April run of 2011. It’s a career-defining moment.

The Yankees beat Boston 5-4 on three home runs, two of them with one man on. Yeah, that’s a long-term recipe for October success.

Quotable: “I got emails as people wrote about it as people talked about it on television. It’s an awful lot of attention for a school that’s not relevant any more.” — Notre Dame athletic director Jack Swarbrick, getting in a clean shot on Rick Reilly regarding the media attention devoted to the ACC-Notre Dame merger

With less than two weeks remaining in the WNBA schedule (as if I had to remind you), neither the Toxic Tulsa Shock (6-23) nor the Phoenix Valkryie (7-22) are in first place in the Brittney Griner sweepstakes. The Washington Mistakes have swooped in, courtesy of a nine-game losing streak, to move ahead/behind them both at (5-25). The worst team in the WNBA does not automatically receive the first pick, but they do have the best statistical chance of winning the lottery. Although, as Chuck Klosterman once wrote, “All odds are 50-50.”

Griner, by the way, has some familiarity with Washington, D.C.

So, to recap, the Big East lost its highest-profile program (Notre Dame) and its most successful men’s basketball coach (sorry, Jimmy B.). And so for those of you confused by all the realignment chatter, this is what the Big East looks like this morning.

Starting Five

1. Chris Stevens, the U.S. ambassador to Libya, is murdered along with three other staffers in Benghazhi, a city that the U.S. (and other U.N. forces) helped save from Muammar Gaddafi’s forces in March of last year.

2. Adam Corolla Herculez Gomez scores on a second-half penalty free kick as the U.S. defeats the Reggae Boyz of Jamaica, 1-0, in Columbus. A loss, or even a draw, would have put the striped ones on the verge of not qualifying for the World Cup.

A magnificent leg, sure, but his podcasts are even better.

3. Steve Martin, 1979, The Jerk: “The new phonebook’s here! The new phonebook’s here!” All of us, today: “The new iPhone’s here! The new iPhone’s here!” (Okay, so not yet, but Apple will announce the release of an iPhone 5 today as the tech monolith furiously attempts to stay one step ahead of the Die Hard franchise).

4. Those Fabulous Vowels, the A’s and O’s, won again last night. Since July 17, when both American League clubs were 46-44, the A’s are 35-16 while Baltimore is 33-18. Is it 1973 and ’74 all over again?

5. Whistleblower at UBS nets $104 reward from U.S. government. That’s nice. What? Oh, a  $104 million reward. What the….?

Reserves

Two middle-aged Ivy Leaguers hang out together, but one of them does nothing but write best-sellers and the other is the president of the United States. Michael Lewis’ profile of Barack Obama is an outstanding read. Much of the piece deals with a difficult decision about how to handle a crisis in Benghazi, which the events of last night only make more intriguing. Also, shortly before ambassador Stevens was murdered in Libya, Lewis was at Lincoln Center discussing the evolution of his story.

You are a gay football player in North Dakota? That’s fine. You’re 18 and your boyfriend, whom you met on-line last year, is 65? Ewwwww!

We have said it before, but in our mind no sports journalist has done better investigative work this year than Daniel Kane of the Raleigh News & Observer. His latest bombshell: Tyler Hansbrough’s mom may have been Jessica Dorell’ed at North Carolina, with Matt Kupec, the school’s chief fundraiser, playing the role of Bobby Petrino.

We disagree with you. So you must die. This is why America is the greatest country in the world, Will MacAvoy. Because that ain’t how we roll.

Hey, everybody, Chris Brown got a tattoo on his neck, and it does not at all resemble Rihanna so don’t even say that, alright? I think we are all a little relieved that Ike Turner never had this bright idea.

Chris Brown has decided to commemorate one of his greatest hits. (“Oh no you di’unt!”)

Quotable

“I’m here for one reason: To graduate our kids and win a national championship.”  — Brian Kelly , Notre Dame football coach (Isn’t that two reasons?)

Your New York Mess note of the day: Since the All-Star break, the Mess have won four games at Citi Field while the Atlanta Braves have won five games at Citi Field. Half of those four wins, by the way, came versus the Lastros (special thank you to @Okerland for the tip).

What we do like about the entire Billy Gillespie-Texas Tech morass is that once the Red Raiders approached the athletic administration with their grievances about their coach, they were not all traded to the Los Angeles Dodgers. Gillespie, who is suffering from dangerously high blood pressure, is now being treated at the Mayo Clinic. Interns and nurses at the Mayo Clinic were not — we repeat, NOT — doing suicide drills at 5 a.m. this morning.

New York City, last night. The Freedom Tower.

Former New York Jet fan favorite Wayne Chrebet is allegedly short-changing his employees.

Mark Zuckerberg speaks publicly for half an hour at a tech conference in San Francisco, his first public address since losing $9 billion of his personal fortune getting married Facebook’s IPO in May. Wouldn’t it have been cool if Jesse Eisenberg had taken the stage when Zuckerberg was first introduced? Facebook stock is up 5% this morning, by the way.

The Cincinnati Reds shut down Aroldis Chapman for five days. He did blow a save to the Houston Lastros last Friday night, after all.

Pakistan badly needs an OSHA. More than 300 perish in two factory fires.

It appears that the Fiesta Bowl’s former COO, Natalie Wisneski, will not do actual jail time for her role in the campaign contributions scandal. Wisneski has been cooperating with authorities, and while they will not award her $104 million, it looks as if they will spare her hard time. What does this mean? It means that former Fiesta Bowl executive director John Junker’s trial will be “for all the Tostitos.”

Remember the Philadelphia Phillies? They’re only four games out of the wild card and a check of the roster shows that they still have Cole Hamels, Cliff Lee, Roy Halladay, Jonathan Papelbon, Jimmy Rollins, Jimmy Rollins, and Jimmy Rollins.

“A group of depraved underachievers from Philadelphia.” Phinally, it ain’t the Phillies.

No. 20 Notre Dame visits No. 10 Michigan State on Saturday. The Spartans have not lost at home since 2009 (i.e., since before “Little Giants”). The Irish have not started 3-0 since 2002. The Irish last had a fruitful trip to The Mitten State in 2006 (also a night game in East Lansing). Our prediction? By the end of the night “Le’Veon Bell” and “Heisman candidate” will be uttered in the same sentence a lot.

Chris Stevens, the ambassador who was slain, was a former Peace Corps volunteer who died on September 11. Stevens was 52. He earned a B.A. and a J.D. from Cal, and and you would expect they’ll have a moment of silence for him before the Golden Bears’ game at Ohio State on Saturday.

What kind of name is Reince?

Flori-duh

Homeless man breaks into car, steals credit card, uses it to buy drinks, bartender realizes it’s his own card.

Starting Five

1. As many as 125 Harvard students, including senior basketball co-captain Kyle Casey, are being investigated for allegedly having cheated on a take-home final exam. The course? “Government 1310: Introduction to Congress.” Introduction? It sounds as if they’ve already met.

2. Andy Roddick Murray, Grand Slam winner? As a matter of fact, yes. Murray lost the third and fourth sets badly to Novak Djokovic at the U.S. Open before winning in five. The British Scottish tennis star becomes just the second man to win a Slam since 2005 Wimbledon who is not named Djokovic, Federer or Nadal (Juan Martin Del Potro, 2009 U.S. Open, is the other).

Begbie, Sick Boy, Spud and the gang salute you, Andy

3. The eleven-year anniversary of 9/11, which is not the only massacre of innocent U.S. citizens on American soil to have occurred on this date.

4. Baltimore Ravens crush the Cincinnati Bengals, 44-13, and surge past USC in the polls.

5. From WWE to EKG:  Jerry Lawler, 62, suffers a heart attack in the ring during a Raw event. No, it was not staged.

Reserves

Tom Brokaw’s special report for NBC News on the evening of the 9/11 attacks. Those of us who were in New York City that day will never forget anything about that day, from the unbelievably sublime weather (just like today’s) to the eerie silence that draped the city as the sun set. Excellent work by David Bloom, who would die just over two years later from a pulmonary embolism at the age of 39.

First peek inside the Barclays Center, home of the Brooklyn Nets, courtesy of the New York Post.

Alleged teacher-student affair at highly exclusive all-girls Upper East Side prep school Nightingale-Bamford.

Is there anyone out there who does NOT want to see Roger Clemens go all Sally O’Malley on National League hitters before September ends? “I”m fifty years old and I like to pitch, pitch from the stretch, AND pitch! I’m fifty!”

And we thought Jamie Moyer would be the oldest man to pitch in the majors this season.

The average Goldman-Sachs employee may soon fall out of One Percent and into the less fashionable Two Percent. There may be no room at the (Waverly) Inn for you now.

Jon Stewart skewers Fox News’ convention coverage.

Anyone for the “Fragile Five?” Two members of the U.S. Women’s Gymnastics teams are injured during a performance last weekend.

Once upon a time — 50 years ago– Robert Allan Zimmerman (this guy) released his debut album, “Bob Dylan.” Yesterday Mr. Zimmerman released “The Tempest“, which Rolling Stone gave five stars. Many other reviewers have been less kind to the 71 year-old balladeer. The title track is 14 minutes and 43 verses — without a chorus — on the sinking of the Titanic. What rhymes with iceberg?

Someday in the not-too-distant future we will unveil Medium Happy’s All-Aptly Named Team. Shoo-ins for the inaugural class will be Brian Cashman, Steve Jobs, Chris Moneymaker and, of course, this man, who was just awarded $20 million in a dispute with “Girls Gone Wild” creator Joe Francis. Joe, you gotta know 1) when to walk away and 2) when to shut up.

By the way, feel free to nominate your own All-Aptly Named Teamers…

The transcript of David Letterman’s monologue on his first night back at “Late Show” after the 9/11 attacks. Dave is No. 1 on my list of performers in my lifetime —Chumbawumba falls a distant 2nd — because while he mocks what deserves mocking, and that is much of our culture, he is sincere when the occasions merit it. This monologue, for example, or at the end of this performance by The Heavy, where he is clearly enthralled with their talent.

The Oakland Raiders: Punting is Losing.