Starting Five

1. NFL Films’ impresario Steve Sabol dies of brain cancer at the age of 69. The NFL exploded in popularity in the early 1970s, and Sabol’s company was there not only to record it but also to present it in a way, tantamount to mythology, that no one had ever seen before.

2. (Urge…too…overwhelming) Sleepless from Seattle  How about Cheery O’s:  In a game that ended at nearly 4 a.m. on the east coast, the Baltimore Orioles defeated the Seattle Mariners in 18 innings. For the O’s, it was their 14th consecutive win in extra innings and their ninth victory without a loss on the road this season in free frames. The Mariners, by the way, have won exactly 47% of their games this season and are in last place in the American League West.

3. Mon dieu! French magazines: Topless pics of the Duchess followed by nudie cartoons of the prophet Mohammed. (Note to self: Politely decline offer from Charlie Hebdo to become its new in-house editor)

4. Real Madrid defeats reigning EPL champ Manchester City, 3-2, in opening game of the Champions League on a goal in the 90th minute by this man…

Portuguese Man-of-War on the pitch…

5. “SMILE!” Arkansas coach John L. Smith channels his inner Mr. Roarke.

Arkansas’ coach prepares to welcome Rutgers to Fayetteville this Saturday…

Reserves

“Nobody is going to class tomorrow morning. Those smart kids at Stanford, they’re not going to class!” Because tomorrow is Sunday, after all, and also classes in Palo Alto don’t begin until September 24. But technically, Erin Andrews was correct.  Actually, we’re a little surprised that more bloggers and pundits — and Twitterati — have yet to opine on her, “Joey, where’s your tree?” query to co-host Joey Harrington. (“I got your tree right here…”)

Comedy Central’s Jon Stewart — not the former Oregon running back, at least we don’t believe so — extracts his Fish-in-a-Barrel gun from the weapons cabinet and takes dead aim at GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney. Politics aside, why is it that the The Daily Show staff continuously outperforms other news staffs in terms of research?

Jesus was married? That’s what a Harvard professor says. It’s times such as these when a hungry nation cries out desperately for Fr. Guido Sarducci to appear and provide details on the wedding toasts (“Jesus and I met in the 7th grade…”), the gift registry and where the couple honeymooned (the Virgin Islands? No, too easy. Easter Island? Better.)

Hoping that Seth Meyers places a call to this Vatican correspondent this week…

CSNNE sportscaster Trenni Kusnierek bravely reveals her battle with depression in MilwaukeeMag.com.

You cannot spell Brooklyn without “OK” in the middle (well, you can, but then you’ve got Brolyn, which sounds like something bros do when they hang out together). Anyway, these new Nets jerseys — if indeed they are that — are more than OK.

Remember, in early August, when Cincinnati Reds closer Aroldis Chapman beaned Pittsburgh Pirate Andrew McCutchen, a leader in the NL MVP race, with two outs and nobody on in the ninth inning and the Bucs down 3-0? Oh, the pitch was traveling about 101 m.p.h. And remember when Pittsburgh made no move to retaliate? The Pirates, who were 60-45 at the time and firmly in playoff position, are 14-28 since (74-73 overall). (Give McCutchen credit: His non-reaction to being pelted is priceless. Two for flinching? Never, with Andrew McCutchen).

“I’m really excited about that show ‘Goon’,” says Ryan Lochte/Seth MacFarlane.

Rejoice, America: Jay Mariotti is back writing columns and ripping the Chicago Bears (from 1,800 miles away). You will notice that Jay’s glass is more than half empty.

Mama Biebs tells Ellen Degeneres that she’s been celibate for 16 years… and that she’s hoping to medal in the 2016 Olympics!

Will MacAvoy Keith Olbermann laughing maniacally…

Someone in New York City won the lottery last night. Thank you, Lindsey Lohan.

Lance Armstrong is banned from running the Chicago Marathon on October 7 (and don’t blame the Chicago Marathon). Really, all the guy wants do to is compete in races and while doing so, he happens to inspire thousands, or hundreds of thousands, of cancer survivors. Is that so wrong?

Starting Five

1. Peyton Manning equals l’il bro’s number of interceptions tossed in Week Two (3), but throws for less than half as many yards (240 to 510) in Denver’s 27-21 loss at Atlanta.

2. On the first anniversary of the Occupy Wall Street movement, America gets a new inflammatory percentage: 47%.

3. French magazine Closer in court is a Loser.  (For the record, Will and Kate departed the South Pacific by receiving flower garlands presented by topless women.)

4. So, do we have this right: Mitt Romney is Thurston Howell, President Obama is the Professor, Paul Ryan is Gilligan and Joe Biden is the Skipper? Maryann in 2016!

Your 2012 presidential and vice-presidential candidates.

5. Speaking of Ginger — were we? — Shaun White went all, “Bro, this party in Nashville is lame and Taylor Swift isn’t even here so let’s shred this joint, and by joint I mean hotel room, because who would ever shred a joint, that would just be wasteful” at the Loews Vanderbilt Hotel. If he had only done this back in London, those stilted segments in the studio with Costas might have been worth viewing.

 Reserves

Our A. Dickey lowers his E.R.A. to a National League-best 2.67, but the New York Mess lose to Philadelphia, 3-1. The feel-good-story of the summer Cy Young award candidate has now lost six times this season (18-6) and in those half-dozen defeats the Mess have scored a total of nine runs for him.

Apparently, this photo of Mika Brzezkinski and Joe Scarborough upset some people. What’s so wrong with two people in their forties reenacting a musical number from “The Producers?”

Hotty Toddy! Ole Miss may finish in 8th place in the seven-team SEC West, but who cares? This promotional poster of linebacker Mike Marry is just so badass. We’re not even going to bother to link it. Enjoy! (thanks to Jay Christensen at The Wiz of Odds)

“And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger…”

So, the Today show thought it would be a good idea to demonstrate how a paparazzi was able to snap those boob shots of Duchess Kate. We wonder how Stephanie Gosk felt about playing the role of the voyee (is that a word?). MH is a 100% vetted member of the Stephanie Gosk Fan Club, it should be noted.

Atlanta Falcon Michael Turner’s numbers last night: 17 carries, 42 yards, one DUI.

Listen: We at IAH know that we kvetch and rant on Twitter entirely too much (sometimes our tweets are “not elegantly stated”) but yesterday offered two cautionary tales about tweeting-before-thinking. First, Stephen A. Smith ranted at an article that claimed he had a nine year-old son without realizing that it appeared on The Onion (or without realizing what The Onion is). Later, our friend at CBS Sports, Gregg Doyel, ridiculed Nebraska coach Bo Pelini for being taken to the hospital in an ambulance during a game because of “a tummy ache.” To both men’s credit, they each recanted their rants on Twitter.

We could pretty much watch Bomani Jones discuss any topic, but this commentary in which he compares a school whose namesake is the Virgin Mary to a “player” is terrific. Someone get this man a real TV show!

Bomani, rhymes with “mo’ money!”

On CollegeFootballNews.com Pete Fiutak counts down his top ten Heisman picks — the season is 25% over, after all — and his No. 1? Alabama quarterback A.J. McCarron. Really, Pete? Really? When did Lee Corso hijack your laptop?

Police in Madison apprehend the three men who assaulted Wisconsin Heisman Trophy contender running back Montee Ball (We are already sorry… here’s the real link).

University of North Carolina chancellor whose name is so literary that he was practically compelled to become a college professor announces that he is stepping down.

Twitter profiles are receiving a makeover.

The first clue that something was amiss occurred when the warden noticed the poster of Raquel Welch on one prisoner’s wall.

Did this poster play a role in a Mexican jailbreak?

Iceland has a band that we cannot mock for being overly quirky. Of Monsters and Men are the proud authors of “Little Talks”, which is now playing in a restaurant near you.

We had the video of Max Rice (which sounds delicious!) and his appearance on Fox & Friends up yesterday. Here’s the background on Rice, a film student at Columbia College in Chicago. His final quote is quite caffeinated.

Push or Pull, Bush or Redd: USC running backs are definitely difficult to stop near the goal line (thanks once again to The Wiz of Odds).

Starting Five

1. A pair of NFC coaches engage in a testy post-game handshake until one is Big Blue in the face. In other news, the 49ers beat the Lions last night, 27-19.

2. The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim definitely have the American League Rookie of the Year, and potentially MVP, in Mike Trout as well as a strong Cy Young contender in Jered Weaver. And then there’s Albert Pujols. The Detroit Tigers are blessed with the player most likely to challenge Trout for MVP honors as well as the league’s leading hitter, Miguel Cabrera, plus the MLB strikeout leader, Justin Verlander Max Scherzer. If the postseason began today, neither Los Angeles nor Detroit would be playing.

3. Troy and Sparta fall! Pan-Hellenic college football fans are astounded as both USC and Michigan State are bounced from the AP top ten.

“Remember, men, if your helmet comes off you must sit out the next battle.”

4. “Master”-piece: Paul Thomas Anderson’s film, The Master, is already being hailed as a classic. “Jeannie!”

5. The topless Duchess conflagration has consumed European debt as that continent’s biggest story. Our advice to the future queen of England: remain above the fray and keep a stiff upper nip.

Reserves

Do you mean to tell us that with all the cool wildlife indigenous to Brazil that they’ve chosen a three-banded armadillo as the World Cup 2014 mascot? Get it right for the 2016 Summer Games, Brasil!

Could it be that Jeremy Lin just prefers sleeping on living room furniture? (And why is a Hall of Fame basketball coach breaking this story?)

If only the Holy War, BYU versus Utah, had been decided because of a penalty called on the overzealousness of pilgrims. It nearly happened. The Cougars got a 15-yard gift when Ute fans rushed the field on the game’s final play, giving them a shot at a 36-yard game-winning field goal. Alas, Riley Stephenson’s kick struck the left upright and caromed harmlessly away. Still, this is why college football > NFL. Look at those fans going nuts over the outcome of a contest in September. And most of them don’t even have a fantasy team.

As the outcome had no bearing on the national championship, Ute fans were understandably apathetic.

The first anniversary of “Occupy Wall Street” seems like a good time to dredge up this video. “This is a good grassroots movement… for me to POOP on!”

 Max Rice! Why do I get the feeling there’s a booker at Fox News who is now packing up his/her desk?

Boardwalk Empire made its season premiere last night on HBO. It’s the best New Jersey-based gangster show to appear on HBO since, well, the last one.

Amanda Bynes kerfuffle: We don’t know and we don’t care. NEXT!

Shouldn’t the Royal Family be maneuvering to suppress photos of England’s future king in this print shirt?

Yahoo! CEO Marissa Mayer shovels dirt on the grave of RIMM, which isn’t even dead yet. She’s Black-Burying them! Yes, if you are keeping score, Marissa Mayer has now made IAH! twice in the past three posts.

While doing highlights of the Cardinals-Patriots game on “The Blitz”, ESPN’s Chris Berman described a potential TD pass that just slipped out of the hands of tight end Rob Gronkowski by saying, “Mongo no catch football.” Hey, that was funny.

Larry David and Don Draper hit Fenway Park. How much would you love to see Jon Hamm appear in a story arc on “Curb?”

Today could be your last day to buy AAPL below $700. You’ve been warned.

This story, known in the industry as a “gamer”, was written on tight deadline. The Notre Dame-Michigan State game ended around 11 p.m. EST (or EDT, we never can remember) and it was probably close to an hour later when the scribe, Brian Hamilton, returned to the press box located in the upper stratosphere in East Lansing. Kids, please, please listen: THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD MAJOR IN ENGLISH AS OPPOSED TO JOURNALISM (actually, you should major in computer science but that’s another story).

We like Michelle Beadle. You like Michelle Beadle. We just wonder, though, whether Sam Flood and the other muckety-mucks high up on the NBC Sports food chain are enamored with this Twitter avatar pic.

As for yesterday’s Met Life spat, we’re with Greg Schiano. The game was not over. If you think you can afford to take the final play off at the Meadowlands, just talk to Herm Edwards (1977) or Dan Marino (1994).

Never take a play off if you want to get to the playoffs. If any franchise should know this, it’s the Giants.

Dan Marino’s fake spike TD crushed the Jets, who would lose this game and then their final four afterward in 1994.

 

Was it nice? No. Football isn’t supposed to be nice.