Starting Five

1. ESPN’s Marc Jones uses the term “New Jersey Nets” twice in the opening segment (and Jeff Van Gundy said, “Brooks Lopez”), but after last night’s 100-97 Knicks-Nets thriller, he will probably have no trouble distinigushing Brooklyn from the Garden State. Carmelo Anthony scores 45 as the ManhattaKnicks improve to 16-5.

2. Amanda Seyfried on Letterman. Dave: “Have you been drinking tonight?” Amanda: “Uh, yeah, I’m pretty drunk.” Dave: “How many drinks have you had?” Amanda: “To be honest with you, Dave, I’ve had about three. You know, big fan of whiskey, Russell Crowe gave me Middleton’s for my birthday. Then your lovely colleagues gave me a shot of Jameson’s for some liquid courage…”

Happy hour inside the Ed Sullivan Theater

You know who Seyfried is? She’s a blonde version of, at least when visiting Dave, Aubrey Plaza. And Dave sopped it up with bread. Seyfried earned the coveted hand kiss at the conclusion of the interview.

3. They’re not even hot in Cleveland. The Loss Angeles Lakers fall to the 4-17 Cavaliers, a franchise whose nickname perfectly describes their attitude toward defense. Just ask T.J. Simers. Anyway, “coast” has long been associated with the Lakers, but as a modifier, not a verb. This isn’t all going to change when Steve Nash returns, by the way.

4. A day late news: Jeremy Lin went off for 38? Really? Also, Jon Stewart discusses the Bob Costas-firearms debate in a segment titled “Any Given Gun Day.” That was good enough for us to be included in the SF. Also, Josh Eells spends a day with Tom Hanks in Trolling Stone and devotes a paragraph to our bizarre obsession with America’s Treasure’s curious habit of urinating in his films. Eells notes four of them (A League of Their Own, The Green Mile, Apollo 13 and Forrest Gump) but omits Hanks’ urination scene in Cast Away.

5. North Korea test-launches a long-range missile and a gunman wipes out two lives not far from the Taco Time at the Clackamas Town Center.

Reserves

Mick Jagger does the Top Ten List (“Things I, Mick Jagger, Have Learned in 50 Years of Rock n’ Roll”) and delivers one of the better aphorisms in rock history: “You start out playing rock n’ roll so you can have sex and drugs, but you end up doing drugs so you can still play rock n’ roll and have sex.”

Quips like Jagger

Jagger, by the way, will appear with his little band, The Rolling Stones, tonight at Madison Square Garden along with The Who, Paul McCartney, Bruce Springsteen, Billy Joel, Bon Jovi and Eddie Vedder for the 12.12.12. benefit show. We’re trying to imagine the meeting that was called to decide who must be the opening act. “Do you know who I am?” “Do you know WHO I am?” “Do you know THE WHO I am?”

“You see Danny, I can deal with the bullets, and the bombs, and the blood. I don’t want money, and I don’t want medals. What I do want is for you to stand there in that faggoty white uniform and with your Harvard mouth extend me some fucking courtesy. You gotta ask me nicely.” — Col. Nathan Jessep

That was the moment when Aaron Sorkin had me. That was some wicked ass dialogue and Sorkin has pretty much had his foot on the gas pedal since then. Those were his coke-fueled days and the crackling dialogue illustrates it. “A Few Good Men” came out today in 1992 and not only can I recite every line to it, I can pretty much apply a line from it to any circumstance in life and have it make sense. It’s in my top five.

Today in 1974 saw one of the best sequels ever released, “The Godfather Part II”.  “I make him an offer he don’ refuse. Don’ worry.”

Four years ago today, in 2008, Bernie Madoff was arrested and charged with securities fraud in a $50 billion Ponzi scheme. There was really no fallout and the story quietly went away.

Believe it or not, Madoff was arrested 19 years to the day that “Wall Street” came out. Greed isn’t that good.

Today in 1957 Jerry Lee Lewis got married for the third time. Not that odd for a rock star, except that Lewis was still just 22 years old and his new wife was his 13-year old cousin.

Sam Cooke was shot to death today in 1964 at the Hacienda Hotel in Los Angeles. Cooke had a young women with him and they argued and she ran off. Cooke had gone to the hotel manager to demand to know where she was and the manager ended up shooting him three times under curious conditions.

Today in 1985, the Chicago Bears released The Super Bowl Shuffle.

December 11, 1998 saw the release of two iconic films, one of them was an upset winner for Best Picture at the Academy Awards.

Nikki Sixx was born today in 1958. Crue top five:

1. Kickstart My Heart

2. Dr. Feelgood

3. Shout At the Devil

4. Don’t Go Away Mad

5. Girls Girls Girls

Happy Birthday to my brother Joe, may all your flights be safe ones.

— Bill Hubbell

Starting Five

Not to get all “Day of Yore” on you, but the attack on Pearl Harbor (a U.S. territory, not a state, at the time) occurred at about noon Eastern time. You could do an entire senior thesis on how the news of that attack would have been disseminated differently today than it was back then. Conversely, D-Day began at about 1:30 a.m. Eastern time. Imagine attempting to launch an ivasion of 24,000 men across the English Channel today without someone tweeting out, “Boarding this boat. Grinding. Gonna take out some Nazis. SMH.”

1. What struck us about Brian Willliams’ interview with Apple CEO Tim Cook (War Eagle!) is what was implied but not directly stated. First, the Rock Center anchor informed us during the introduction that the interview, Cook’s first for television since becoming Apple’s top geek, had only come to pass after “months of negotiations.” During the interview, which lasted for two segments (roughly half an hour), we are never told that Cook is a bachelor, which is highly unusual for a CEO of a major company, much less the world’s wealthies. When Williams asks Cook what he does with his free time, handsome, fit, well-dressed (code words!) Cook replies that he’s “in the gym at 5 a.m.” and that he likes “to visit national parks.”

Tim Cook, National Park aficionado: Not that there’s anything wrong with that

Later in the piece, Williams, who is far too smart and clever to have stumbled across this term, tells Cook, “This is kind of your television coming out.” We interpreted that as Williams telling Cook, Yes, we agreed to your terms, but we’re still going to tweak you. Especially when reports of your lifestyle are fairly accessible on the web. (By the way, we shouldn’t have to say this, but we of course have zero problems with anyone’s sexual orientation as long as it doesn’t include children or farm animals…or domestic pets…or strays).

Cook’s best line about Apple: “Our whole role in life is to give you something you never thought you wanted, then once you have it, can’t imagine living without.” (My coke dealer has the same business mantra).

2. Tennessee finds a volunteer for its head coaching vacancy: Cincinnati head coach Butch Jones. How did the last coach to leave the Bearcats do in his next job?

3. Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o, who we believe is already an Eagle Scout, has picked up six national awards this week. Last night he won the Maxwell Award (nation’s most outstanding player), becoming the first defensive player to earn that honor since 1980. He also won the Bednarik Award (outstanding defensive player) and Walter Camp Award (similar to the Maxwell but less prestigious, unless you attended Yale). Earlier this week he won the Lombardi Award (player most likely to publicly insult his wife [“Shut up, Marie”]), Dick Butkus Award (most likely to attack a bus), and the Bronko Nagurski Award (most likely to crack Wrigley Field’s brick wall).

Jadeveon Clowney won the Ted Hendricks Award. He’ll be the nation’s top defensive player next season, if he isn’t already

Three things: How many awards must a player win before people start discussing naming an award after him? Two: having won half a dozen baubles this week, either the Heisman is a lei up for Te’o tomorrow or he’ll go home fairly sated, anyway. Three: there are a surfeit of college football awards.

4. LeBron’s big week continues, as the Miami Heat lose by 20 at home to a New York Knicks squad that was without Carmelo Anthony, Amar’e Stoudemire and Jeremy Lin (Whaaaaa?). After the game and media interviews, King James retreated to a practice court, it has been reported, to work on his game and perhaps set an example. So maybe he is trying to teach his teammates a…lesson?

5. Savannah Guthrie has better chemisty with Willie Geist than she does with Matt Lauer. On Today this morning, during a segment on cats of the wild, the handler brought out a cougar. “This is a different cougar than you are used to dealing with, Willie.” Ooh, su-nap!

Reserves

1. “How can I forget? The Germans wore gray, you wore blue.” Turner Classic Movies aired “Casablanca” last night, one of those classic films that is not the cinematic equivalent to eating your vegetables. It’s actually fast-paced, quick-witted and highly dramatic. Besides, coming out as it did in 1942, shortly after the U.S. became involved in World War II, it’s fun to hear the subtle digs directed at U.S. isolationism as personified by Rick “I don’t stick my neck out for nobody” Blaine. Here’s a song from the film that we enjoyed, and it’s not the one that everybody knows.

“Sam, did you order that case of Do or Die?”

A reminder that there are three college football awards (Ted Hendricks, Ray Guy, Fred Biletnikoff) named after players who were all members of the Oakland Raiders at the same time. No team was cooler than the early- to mid-Seventies Raiders.

Jersey Boys: Garden State governor Chris Christie appears on the show of fellow “What exit?” native Jon Stewart and reveals that he has seen Bruce Springsteen in concert 132 times, but who’s counting (only everyone between the ages of 40 and 70 who has lived in New Jersey)? That’s two big New Jersey bosses. CC revealed that number during his Daily Show appearance with Jon Stewart, though Stewart seemed to miss it.

MH loves itself the Chris Christie

The duo actually got into a lively, albeit amicable, debate on Republican philosophy. Stewart’s point is that to Republicans an “entitlement” is something the disenfranchised want from the government, but if it’s something the upper middle class needs (hello, TARP?), it’s for the good of the country. Christie remained focused on Sandy and Obamacare and refused to be drawn into J-Stew’s debate.

This editorial, by Melinda Henneberger, should get plenty of traction. We report, you decide.

Newphemism: Graydar. Definition: When you spot a man, usually on television, whom you know is unnaturally coloring his hair. Best examples: Tim Brando of CBS and Joe Kernen of CNBC.

Graydar alert

This guy, too

 The Phoenix Suns offer a “guaranteed good time” money back guarantee to their fans. The Suns lose to the Dallas Mavericks, 97-94. Should all 17,500 fans send in their requests for a refund? Hell, I would. Just to send a message to management to stop silly stunts.

Because we have, like, four minutes to write this today unless Mr. Hubbell can provide an assist.

1. Kobe eclipses the 30,000-point barrier and in the process becomes the youngest player in NBA history to do so. Kobe, besides having one of the coolest first names in the history of sports (Cy and Ty applaud you), is now the fourth of five players who have achieved the 30,000-point barrier to have played for the Los Angeles Lakers. The exception? Michael Jordan.

2. So if you’re keeping score…. Monday: Sports Illustrated names LeBron James “Sportsman of the Year.” Tuesday: the Miami Heat lose to the 1-13 Washington Wizards and James contradicts his coach, Erik Spoelstra, who calls the defeat a “lesson.” Wednesday: Kobe, who has never won SotY, breaks the 30,000-point barriers.

3. FYI, two current members of the Miami Heat have been named SI “Sportsman of the Year.” Outside of them, six people have garnered that honor as pro basketball players since the Roger Bannister became the first honoree in 1954. Can you name them? (Answer below).

Big Dipper: Yes or No?

4. Any Volunteers to coach the Tennessee football team? This is one of the ten best jobs in college football. Are coaches afraid of the recruiting grind of going up against Saban and The Hat day in and day out?

5. Apple stock (AAPL) has plummeted 10% this week, but CEO Tim Cook will appear on NBC in prime-time tonight on “Rock Center.” That is what we call a “buying opportunity.”

Answer: Bill Russell, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Rory Sparrow (don’t ask), Michael Jordan, Tim Duncan and David Robinson.

Starting Five

1. So, yeah, the New Orleans Pelicans. The first NBA franchise inspired by a Haircut 100 album. Okay, the pelican is the state bird of Sportsman’s Paradise, and we applaud the idea of a team’s name having a relevant local connection (Are you listening, Memphis Grizzlies, Utah Jazz, Los Angeles Lakers, etc?). And it isn’t as if they could call themselves the New Orleans Show Us Your Tits.

The Pelicans will be wearing our Favourite Shirts

2. A day late here, but the surviving trio of Led Zeppelin appear on Letterman (all four were Kennedy Center Honorees over the weekend). Bass player John Paul Jones steals the appearance with Monty Python-esque quips and deadpan humor. Dave: “To be in London when you guys were kids…you, the Rolling Stones, The Kinks, the Beatles, The Who. There’s never been anything like that, has there?” JPJ: “Were there other bands? I don’t remember.”

Tongue firmly in cheek, Jones was pithy; he did not Ramble On

3. ESPN sideline reporter Samantha Steele is engaged to Minnesota Viking quarterback Christian Ponder. The question is, if Steele says, “He went to Jared” does she mean a jewelry store or this guy?

4, House Speaker John Boehner: “The President’s idea of negotiation is, ‘Roll over and do what I ask?'”  Boehner said this to Chris Wallace on Fox News Sunday. If this had been an actual journalistic enterprise, the host might have asked the titular head of Congress what he meant by “roll over.” Like, roll over tax cuts?

5. Bret Bielema is going from “Jump Around” to “Woo, pig, sooie!” As our pal Michael Felder, alias @InTheBleachers tweeted, “On the surface it seems they’re going to try & play same style of football as Alabama, defense/run the ball, except w/ not as good players.” Good luck with that. We’d like to add that the Wisconsin athletic director is Barry Alvarez, who before that was the Wisconsin coach, and who before that was the defensive coordinator of a Notre Dame football team that went 12-0. And, well, what do you know, Wisconsin has a vacancy, Notre Dame is again 12-0, and its defensive coordinator (El Diaco) was just given the Frank Broyles Award as the nation’s top assistant coach. Hmmm.

El Diaco: Can you be too handsome to hire (questions we’ve often pondered ourselves)?

Reserves

Three ESPN moments from in the past 24 hours. Two bad, one good (Who do I think I am, Richard Deitsch? The Poynter Institute? The Pointer Sisters? Twisted Sister? Sister Sledge?). ANYWAY…

1. Wednesday, a.m. Sara Walsh draws the short straw and must feed Screamin’ A. Smith his questions about the Loss Angeles Lakers. The third and final question is basically, If it comes down to a last shot, would you rather have LeBron or Kobe shooting it (I know, original). What happens is that midway through the question, SAS interrupts Walsh. “STOP! Just stop!” Acts insulted that she would even ask.

Now, first of all, the genesis of this question is probably the producer in the production meeting saying, “We need one final question to make it to three.” And, for lack of inspiration (because the truly inspired are off serving steaks), this is the best he can do. More importantly, Screamin’ A and Sara W. are in that production meeting. He knows that this question is coming. He has already signed off on it being asked. So the entire theatrics of being surprised and, well, insulted by the question is just an act. Is SAS smart? Yes. Does he make legitimate points? Yes. Must he behave like a complete and total putz? No.

2. Tuesday, 6 p.m. SC: ESPN brings in College Football Insider Joe Schad, by phone, to discuss Arkansas’ hiring of Bret Bielema. Schad informs us, the audience, that he had spoken to Bielema the previous evening. However, since Schad did not break the news of Bielema’s hiring (John Daly did, after all), are we not left to infer that Schad’s conversation with Bielema left him completely unaware of what was about to happen (or else he would have reported it first, no?)? So why is Schad telling us he spoke with Bielema? Is that so his bosses know that he is doing his job? Although, in this instance, he might have been better off never mentioning he spoke to Bielema. Obviously, he was as blindsided by the news as those of us who hadn’t spoken to BB were.

3. A highly underrated ESPN analyst, Tom Penn, appears on ESPN14 or some such network two hours before the 12-3 Miami Heat are due to tip off at the 1-13 Washington Wizards. Penn predicts a Wizards win. Ultimately, he will be proven correct. Well done, Penn, and kudos to ESPN for noticing such this morning.

Tom Penn: He’s like a psychic… that Lindsay Lohan has not punched.

I pine/You pine/We all pine/for Alpine: According to something called the Mercer Survey, six of the world’s ten most livable cities are located in Austria, Germany and Switzerland (No. 1? Vienna). No American city made the Top 25. Okay, sure, but at least our currency still works.

Last night, 21 days before Christmas, CBS aired “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.” And, “A Charlie Brown Christmas” aired a few days before that (“Auuugghh!”). War on Christmas? War on Christmas!?!

Want people to think you’ve finished an Ironman without actually doing one? Without even paying 50% of the retail price of an Ironman finisher’s jacket? Then have we got the Christmas bargain for you!