IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 1 Comment

by John Walters

Starting Five

Olynyk

Kelly Hero*

*That’s for all you fans of WWII films starring Clint Eastwood and Don Rickles

The Celtics move to 22-8 all-time in Game 7s, including 19-4 at home, as they beat the Wiz (I thought “Nobody beats The Wiz!”) 115-105. Seven-footer Kelly Olynyk came off the bench to score 26 points, including 12 during a key three-minute stretch in the fourth quarter.

Boston hosts the Cavs in Game 1 of the Eastern Conference finals tomorrow night. Lotsa luck.

2. Terry Time

Chelsea, which has already clinched the Premier League championship, defeats lowly Watford 4-3 to tie the BPL record for most wins in one season (29) with one game remaining, this weekend. 22-year veteran John Terry, who if the Blues are sort of the Yankees of English soccer would be a combo of Derek Jeter and A-Rod, gets his first start of the season and scores Chelsea’s first goal. But then he misplays a header that allows a Watford goal. He also dislikes my use of the present tense here. Anyway, Terry will likely retire after Sunday’s game versus Sunderland.

3. McMaster of None*

*a.k.a. Another Day of Trump

*a.k.a. “We Live In A World That Has Walls (Except on the Mexican border)

Another week, another admission from Trump that the truth that he had his White House minions deny the night before is the truth. This time it comes off the Washington Post story last night (Marty Baron is the Theo Epstein of newspapering) that alleged Trump shared highly classified information first given to us by an ally during his meeting with the Russians last week in the Oval Office.

 

The White House had H.R. McMaster & H.R. Pufnstuf issue a denial of a non-event (the dreaded “non-denial denial” from Watergate) outside the White House last night just minutes after the WaPo story broke. But now Trump is saying that what WaPo said is essentially true. Legally, POTUS does have the right to divulge anything he wants, including the nuclear codes, to the Russians. From an operational standpoint, though, he is endangering lives.

Anyway, now we know why laptops were banned on incoming flights to the U.S.A. ISIS always has to ruin everyone’s good time.

4. To Hill (And Not Back) 

*The judges will also accept, “Steep It Up”

Remember when Kate Bush recorded “Running Up That Hill?” (I do because I’m old). Well, the folks at Red Bull have now turned it into a series of races across the northern hemisphere (Asia, Europe, North America) called the Red Bull 400. Why is this ingenious? Because ski slopes are widely dormant during the summer time and now suddenly they have a function.

Sunday’s race, seen above, took place in Almaty, Kazakhstan. The full schedule is here. 

By the way, this is a subtle demonstration of Rule No. 1: Gravity always wins.

5. 2 Broke Girls Too Broke To Fix

After six seasons, CBS is finally putting the kibosh on Two Broke Girls. Or, as my friend Mark Bechtel called it, Two Broke Girls and A Pizza Place. This was basically Two’s Company (Kat Dennings as Janet, Beth Behrs as Chrissy) and my guess is as many men watched it with the sound off as on.

Music 101

Three Marlenas

Not unlike fellow mid-90s rockers The Gin Blossoms, The Wallflowers put out one fantastic album—and that was it. Lead singer Jakob Dylan had the right look, the right voice and certainly the right lineage, but he just didn’t have the gift for following up an auspicious debut breakthrough album. No shame in that. Most musicians never even get that far. This tune, the fourth single off Bringing Down The Horse, peaked at No. 41 in October of 1997.

Remote Patrol

Game 2: Spurs and Warriors

9 p.m. ESPN

Watch out, Zaza! Or, more likely, Steph. San Antonio will be without Kawhi Leonard tonight, and the Dubs are not Houston. This could get ugly in the direction of Golden State, but don’t be surprised if some Spur’s foot lands beneath a Warrior attempting a three.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 6 Comments

by John Walters

Starting Five

Mother Of All Comebacks*

*The judges will also accept “Zaza Goodbye”

Down by 25 with just under 8 minutes left in the 3rd quarter of Game 1 on Mother’s Day, the Golden State Warriors mount an incredible comeback thanks mainly to Zaza Pachulia.

What did Zaza do? He inadvertently stepped under the foot of Spur star Kawhi Leonard on a three-point attempt, causing a twisted ankle (if you’ve had that happen to you, you know how painful it is). I don’t think he did it on purpose, but it changed the game and it altered the series.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oB9cf2GduIY

The Spurs led 78-55 when Leonard went out. By the end of the quarter, they only led by 9. Also, they would shoot 0-7 from beyond the arc after Leonard, who scored 26 points in a little more than one half, departed.

Stephen Curry finished with 40 for the Dubs, who are now 46-4 in games that Steve Kerr does NOT coach in the past two years. The Dubs move to 9-0 on the postseason.

No. 2, Derek Jeter, No. 2

Listen to Derek Jeter’s speech as the Yankees retire his number, during which he admits he just happened to be standing along the first base line in Oakland that day in 2001 because he thought he spotted Neve Campbell behind the visitors dugout…and reveals that he always harbored a secret ambition to be traded to the San Diego Padres.

And if you truly cannot get enough…

 

3. Black-to-Black Miss USAs From D.C.

For the second year in a row, an African-American government employee representing the District of Columbia wins the Miss USA pageant. Kara McCullough, a scientist at the U.S. Nuclear Regulatory Commission, succeeds Deshauna Barber, a logistics commander in the U.S. Army.

McCullough did not catch viewers eyes as much as she did their ears when asked if healthcare is a right or a privilege. She answered that it is a privilege and that the goal should be to get more people working so that they can have access to health care. And with that she was invited over to the South Lawn for a beer party.

4. Trump and Spicey: Lame

The Spicey-Trump kiss on SNL was aimed not so much at making Americans laugh (the sketch wasn’t funny and the set-up—that Spicer would travel to New York City to find his boss—had no basis in reality) as it was to infuriate the president and Flyover America. Neither Trump skit (this and the cold open) was very funny and each had the lead actor flubbing his/her lines.

Per usual this season, the show’s highlight were the Colin Jost-Michael Che jokes on “Weekend Update.” Amazon Silver Echo, with the “Uh Huh” mode, was the funniest bit on the show.

5. I’m Sure Those Off-Shore Nuclear Bomb Tests In No Way Played A Role In This

Look at the dude in the background for comparison’s sake

In Indonesia, the remains of a massive sea creature of unknown provenance (but thought to be a squid) wash up on a beach.

Music 101 

Long Train Running

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LE6L6Op0u-4

Were the Doobie Brothers one of, if not THE, first American jam bands? The pre-Michael McDonald Doobs were a truly original, of-the-Seventies outfits with legendary hits: this song appears on The Captain and Me directly in front of “China Grove”: that’s quite a two-fer.

Remote Patrol

Better Call Saul

10 p.m. AMC

What is the fallout of Chuck and Jimmy’s “You can’t handle the truth!” moment last week? We had not a whiff of Mike Ehrmentraut or Gus Fring last week, so expect to see much more of them tonight?

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 3 Comments

by John Walters

Starting Five

Pop Star

Admit it: The Spurs, without Kawhi Leonard and Tony Parker, defeat the Houston Rockets in Houston in a close-out game by THIRTY-NINE points, and you are not even surprised. I know I’m not. That’s Pop, baby.

LaMarcus Aldridge did score 34 points and pull down 12 rebounds, but hell, there are a few players in the Western Conference who can do that. There’s only one Gregg Popovich, though. And to think he’s been making Mike D’Antoni’s life miserable since D was back coaching the Phoenix Suns 10 years ago.

2. The New Yorker Takes Aim at a New Yorker

My words are not needed here. This is clever, except for the fact that all of the passengers have their shoes on and no one is wearing leggings.

Below: He never learns, does he? This isn’t, to use one of your pet phrases, small potatoes any more. You’re not hustling a contractor from Queens out the door.

 

3. SI Lays Off Five

On Tuesday I attended a lunch and sat next to someone from ESPN who is on-air. As he knew where I once worked, he asked me sincerely if I thought that Sports Illustrated could survive. Not having any inside info, I provided my standard response on print journalists/journalism: “We’re all just polar bears looking for an iceberg to stand on.”

Yesterday SI laid off five staffers. The only name I know of right now is Seth Davis, and he’ll be fine since he’s had his fingers in other pies for more than a decade. Seth is terrific on CBS’ college basketball coverage, so I think he’ll make his mortgage payment next month.

“Norrrrrrm!”

There are a lot of things SI has failed to do since former Time Inc. chief Norm Pearlstine famously uttered, “Print is dead” upon seeing a demonstration of the internet. Inevitably, though, the manner in which readers consume sports news changed. SI had a chance to purchase ESPN in 1987 and whiffed (this was before Pearlstine’s comment) and that was the first of many grave mistakes. But again, this is Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox going up against Bleacher Report. You know what I mean.

I still have many good friends at SI. Okay, I still have a good friend or two at SI. Most of the people I cared about are long gone, from someone who went on to write a story that turned into a book that turned into a Disney film (SI turned down his story pitch originally) to my current boss at Newsweek, who’s the best dude I’ve ever worked for in this business.

Will SI survive? I don’t know about the magazine. I do wonder when some of the writers from my generation and above will finally understand that Peter King is the only holdover from the 1990s who truly gets it. King, when I was there, was universally loved as a guy and respected as a reporter, but no editor ever swooned over his prose. Now the average joe thinks “Peter King” first if you ask about great SI writing. Why? Because he rolls up his sleeves and writes for the web prolifically. That should have been happening with all of SI’s top writers a long time ago.

Here’s fellow alum Jeff Pearlman’s “eulogy.”

4. But Whom Will They Call To Handle The Suit?

Everyone’s favorite cheesy law firm that advertises on TV (this side of Jimmy McGill), Cellino & Barnes, are breaking up. Ross Cellino is suing Stephen Barnes. This is, for those of us who watch too much TV, catastrophic. Next you’re going to tell us that the 1-877-Kars-4-Kids band is breaking up (there is only one VH-1 “Behind The Music” that I still want to see, and this would be it.)

5. Bunny Wisdom

Yes, I’m extremely late to the jam, but I’m finally working my way through The Wire (almost finished Season 3), which is absolutely, pardon the term, addictive. And because everyone who’s watched the HBO show has a favorite character from it, I’ll name mine so far: Howard “Bunny” Colvin, the police chief in charge of the Western District whose revolutionary plan to curb violent crime in his area scares the hell out of his superiors.

I love everything about Bunny: His integrity, his ability to place the needs of community over his career, his courage, his candor, everything. THIS is what a leader looks like (I don’t yet know what will happen to him, so no spoilers, please), but this is my favorite scene of his.

Music 101

I Am The Key

Dang, but I do love The La’s. Lead singer and tortured genius Lee Mavers, who gave us There She Goes, also wrote this little gem. They never even released it on an album. The La’s would be by far the best band ever from their hometown if that hometown were not Liverpool, England.

Remote Patrol

Master Of None

Netflix

So if you have the Netflix, Season 2 of Aziz Ansari’s terrific and comically unstable series drops today. You could watch Game 6 of Celtics-Wizards, but who cares? Cleveland is headed to the NBA Finals in, at most, five games.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 1 Comment

by John Walters

Starting Five

Bernstein and Woodward

You’re Backfired!

Will President Donald Trump’s hasty and impulsive decision to fire FBI Director James Comey only intensify speculation and exploration into his campaign’s alleged ties to Russia? The impulse for Bureau insiders to leak tidbits to the media just rose exponentially, and even a casual student of history might have reminded President Trump that Deep Throat, the informant who helped take down the Nixon presidency, was FBI Associate Director W. Mark Felt.

Delete Caps*

Guys rarely look athletic and graceful in hockey photos

*The judges will also accept “Washington Weak In Review”

The Pittsburgh Penguins defeat the Washington Capitals 2-0 in Game 7 of the NHL Eastern Conference semis. The loss marks the seventh time in as many chances during the Alex Ovechkin era that the Caps (Katie stopped reading this item 17 words ago), who had the NHL’s top record this season, failed to advance to the conference finals. The Washington Wizards also lose Game 5 of the NBA Eastern Conference semis to the Boston Celtics.

Spicer Girl

Sanders has that look of, “Really enjoyed Woodstock, but can’t recall where we parked the VW bus.”

As White House press secretary Sean Spicer fulfills his Naval Reserve duties (as opposed to his naval-gazing reserve duties) Monday through Friday, deputy flak Sarah “I Heart” Huckabee Sanders takes the podium. If she performs well….well, President Trump has not fired anyone of note since Tuesday. Related: Melissa McCarthy hosts the season finale of Saturday Night Live this weekend.

“Sarah, does your dad understand how acronyms work?”

Flight Club*

*The judges will also accept “Airpain!”

Another week, another cabin-pressure fracas posted on social media as two passengers aboard a Southwest Airlines flight duke it out in coach. When did UFC begin to stand for “Unhinged Flying Combatants?”

Will The Circle Be Unbroken?

Despite the appeal of two-time Oscar-winner Tom Hanks and Hogwart’s alum Emma Watson, the dystopian Silicon Valley (pardon the redundancy) thriller The Circle is reaching “mother of all bombs” status at the box office. In its second weekend, the film grossed less than $4 million, finishing behind The Boss Baby and How To Be a Latin Lover. Perhaps if fewer of us were online, more of us would have seen it.

Music 101 

It Ends Tonight

I’ve never seen another band live that was so crass as to tell the young girls in the audience to find their bodyguards near the stage and that, you know, if you’re smoking enough, you’re invited back to the hotel for the after party, but All-American Rejects did that when I saw them in Phoenix about 10 years ago. D-bags. But they did have a few outstanding radio-friendly tunes, and this was one of them (related: I wasn’t hot enough).

Remote Patrol

Game 6: Spurs at Rockets

8 p.m. ESPN

I’m still not really that interested in the NBA playoffs. Are you? I’ll be sorta interested int the Western Conference finals, wholly uninterested in the Eastern Conference finals, and once again interested in the NBA Finals. None of this matters as much, of course, as what LaVar Ball does next.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 11 Comments

by John Walters

Starting Five

You’re FBI-red!*

*The judges will also accept, “To Russia With Love” and “Without Rhyme or Treason”

President Donald Trump fires FBI Director James Comey, and let’s face it, he did it to STOP the investigation into Russia. After firing Comey, the White House announced late Tuesday night that Russian foreign minister Sergey Lavrov would be visiting the Oval Office on Wednesday morning (“High five!”).

2. Anderson’s Eye Roll

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CuEpWV-gppk

Look who’s back! It’s Kellyanne Conway (I guess The Worst Wing did watch SNL last weekend). She threw shade at CNN’s Anderson Cooper by reminding everyone that she was right about Michigan and Pennsylvania, and that sent A.C.’s eyes 360.

 

CCN, Gov?

3. Ginobiliiiiiiiii!!!!!!

This may be the definitive photo of Manu Ginobili’s career, because a photo of a Eurostep is not quite as exquisite. The Spurs overcame the Rockets in OT last night, 110-107, when Ginobili was able to stuff James Harden’s potential game-tying trey from behind. I hope someone is painting a rendition of this moment atop a ceiling somewhere.

4. That 2:00.25 Marathon? It Was Actually Faster

This is the photo that Nike’s PR firm, Weber Shandwick, sent out after Eliud Kipchoge’s attempt to become the first human to break the landmark 2-hour marathon mark last weekend at a Nike-controlled event.

Only one problem, as the good folks at Let’s Run.com discovered: Kipchoge’s time was actually 2/100ths of a second faster. Apparently, the Weber Shandwick folk wanted a rounder number that was easier to market, so they photoshopped the pic. I mean…when you manipulate the finishing time of a stated world-record attempt, even when you mark it in the opposite direction, that is….deplorable.

5. Send Your Hate Tweets To Outside Magazine

Yes, I’m not sorry at all about my health tweet last Friday. Here’s Outside this morning noting five things that happen to you when you stop working out (I’m not a physician, I was only accepted to medical school, probably because some relative got me in, but none of these five things seem beneficial for your health).

Reserves

MH’s 2017 designated stock pick, Nvidia (NVDA), had been dead in the water all year…until last night. A post-bell earnings report has lifted the Silicon Valley company’s stock more than 12% this morning. Onward and upward!

Music 101

Birdhouse In Your Soul

If liberal arts majors from private upstate New York and New England colleges bought more records, this 1989 tune from Brooklyn-based They Might Be Giants might have soared to No. 1. TMBG may have been Brooklyn’s original hipsters.

Remote Patrol

Game 7: Penguins at Capitals

7:30 p.m. NBC Sports Net

Will the Caps advance to the conference finals, for the first time in the Ovechkin era, to face Ottawa? Or is it another big letdown in D.C.? For football fans, Atletico Madrid hosts Real Madrid in the second leg of the UEFA Champions League semifinal (AM begins the day down 3 goals to 0) at 2:30 p.m. on FS1