by John Walters

Starting Five

Kansas City Kareems New England

Yesterday at the NFL headquarters on Park Ave. and 51st, the cafeteria, The Huddle, served both New England clam chowder and barbecue ribs. Commissioner Roger Goodell had a salad (he’s not a lunch expert, either?). Then he flew up to Foxboro.

Last night he saw the next famous Hunt in the Kansas City Chief line. Lamar Hunt was a patriot who owned the Chiefs. Kareem Hunt is a Chief who owned the Patriots. The rookie out of Toledo fumbled on his first NFL carry, a turnover (Hunt NEVER lost a fumble in his collegiate career). Duly woke, Hunt then ran for 148 yards, gained 98 more receiving, and scored three touchdowns, one of them on a 78-yard reception. Hunt’s 246 total yards are the most ever for a running back in his NFL debut.

K.C. wins 42-27. You can stop debating, FS1 bloviators, whether the Pats going 16-0 is a good thing or not.

Tom Brady, who was 16 of 36, was sacked three times in the fourth quarter

p.s. New England’s defense is porous, they lost Donta Hightower and they also lost WR Danny Amendola (as Al Michaels said, “With a head”). Oh, and their right tackle is a revolving door. It’s one game, but I’d say 15-1 is a reach as well.

2. Stephens’ Points

In three sets last night, Sloane Stephens, 24, upended No. 9 seed Venus Williams, 37, in the U.S. Open semis: 6-1, 0-6, 7-5. It was arguably Venus’ last great chance to win a grand slam, as her sis was sitting this one out and the other other half of the draw produced 16-seed Madison Keys, from which no one is evacuating.

3. Left Behind

The Coast Guard is evacuating south Florida. What does that tell you? Hurricane Irma is crashing between the Bahamas and Cuba right now, but then it plans to take a serious right turn and head straight up the spine of the Florida peninsula (it’s almost as if a higher power has put Florida in Its/His/Her sights). The highest point on the Florida peninsula is 312 feet above sea level.

Before Irma even hits, the storm has Florida resembling the final scenes in Deep Impact. If you’re only deciding to evacuate north now, expect I-95 and the Florida Turnpike to be jammed and gasoline stations to be experiencing both long lines and absences of fuel. What are residents to do?

Best wishes (beyond thoughts and prayers) to all of those who remain and who may be unable to depart.

4. Tribe!

I understand that we’re all too busy worrying whether the Patriots will go 16-0, if Brian Kelly is on the hot seat, or why LeBron will be leaving for Los Angeles a year from now, but  the Cleveland Indians just completed a road trip with an 11-0 record. The last time anyone did that was 60 years ago (Cincinnati Reds, 12-0 in 1957), which if you work at ESPN or FS1, predates “of all time.” The first-place Indians beat the White Sox 11-2 last night to move their win streak to 15 straight, the longest win streak in the majors since the 2002 Moneyball A’s.

Who will play Terry Francona in Moneyball 2? And weren’t the Indians the franchise in the film from whom Beane whisked away the Jonah Hill character? Time is a flat circle.

5. America, 21st Century, In One Tweet

No sign has ever encapsulated my life more than the one this woman is wearing pic.twitter.com/eWFVita7Dx

— Tim (@Playing_Dad) September 7, 2017

Music 101

Stormy Weather

This American classic was first sung in 1933 by Ethel Waters at The Cotton Club in Harlem. It was located on the corner of 142nd and Lenox Ave., if you’re looking for it. Yeah, we have no idea why we chose this tune, either. Dig it: It’s going to take a lot more than a Category 4/5 hurricane to get us to play the Scorpions in this space.

A Word, Please

quotidian (adj.)

of or occurring every day; daily

by John Walters

Starting Five

Precipitation Trophy

1492: The Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria.

2017: Irma, Katia and Jose.

It’s been 525 years since a trio of landscape changers this YUUUGE hit the Caribbean. Irma has maintained a wind intensity of above 180 m.p.h. longer than any Atlantic storm in history, and at this point you have to wonder if either (both) she or Giancarlo Stanton are juicing (the Marlins are scheduled to play in Atlanta this weekend, when the storm should strike south Florida).

Earlier this morning CBS showed am image in which the state of Texas was superimposed over Irma, and the hurricane’s diameter is about the same size. Whoa.

Barbuda, when it’s not hurricaning

One thing we’ve learned following Irma: there’s a Caribbean island named Barbuda. Does anyone ever go there?

2. Charles In Charge?

Just a couple of guys from Queens arguing over who makes the best pizza slice. The photo was shot by Getty Images staff photographer Alex Wong from the South Lawn of the White House using a long telephoto lens. That’s Senate MajorityLeader Chuck Schumer and 45 at the end of a meeting in which DT agreed to raise the debt ceiling for three months (I really don’t know what that means, but it sounds like we’re doubling down on owing China money?) to accommodate a Harvey relief package (more of those in the offing).

3. What Happens In Vegas No Longer Stays In Vegas

Seattle Seahawk defensive end Michael Bennett fired the first figurative shot, alleging in a Facebook post that he was handcuffed following a shooting incident in Vegas post-Mayweather-McGregor and that an officer threatened to “blow your f*cking head off” if he tried to escape. Hours later, LVPD asserted that they’d spotted Bennett crouching down, hiding behind a gaming machine, and that when they called out to him, he ran, which is why he detained them.

There may be as many as 126 videos from body and security cameras that recorded the incident. Chances are, and this is just an assumption, that Bennett was not entirely forthcoming in his initial post (never explained why he hid or ran) and that also that Vegas cop (who is Hispanic) did threaten him. We’ll see.

4. Cleveland Rocks (As Does Arizona)

Carrasco, right, pitched a complete-game three-hitter last night in Chicago

The Indians silenced the ChiSox last night, bringing their winning streak to 14 games. The Diamondbacks are keeping pace, winning their 13 straight . This is just plain nutty. Cleveland tied its franchise record for consecutive wins (a record it also tied last season) and it should be noted, so we will, that the last time any MLB team won more than 14 games in a row, Aaron Sorkin wrote a screenplay (Moneyball) about it. That was in 2002.

Most impressive? Cleveland’s last 10 wins have come away from Progressive Field. Tonight they end their 11-game road trip in Chicago.

Posed as a question, and the answer is “No.”

Just as, if not more nutty, is that the Los Angeles Dodgers were just swept in a 3-game series by the D-Backs for the second time in the past 10 days. L.A. has lost nine of 10 since appearing on the cover of Sports Illustrated a week and a half ago. The S.I. Jinx lives.

5. Shocked Jock

As hard as it may be to fathom that a New York City sports radio sidekick may not be a pillar of integrity, well, it’s true. Meet Craig Carton, 48, co-host of WFAN’s popular “Boomer (Esiason) and Carton” morning show. Carton earns $250,000 per year, but that wasn’t enough to sate someone of his, er, talent.

Carton gambled prolifically and lost even worse. He was apparently $3 million in the hole to various casinos and less reputable types when he and a friend launched a fraudulent ticket scalping business (they lured investors and treated it like a Ponzi scheme). The Feds arrested him at his home yesterday at 3:45 a.m.

That ain’t right, Dawg.

Reserves

That’s Catalina Island! We’ve been there.

–This wonderful piece  by Mike Piellucci on SI.com about Equinameous St. Brown and his family, Orange County’s gridiron version of the Balls without all the nausea.

–This tremendous piece in USA Today that used golfer handicaps to show which 1%-ers belong to Trump golf clubs and how they pay memberships for access (we happen to know someone who dates one of them; she has more access to what is happening in the Trump White House than most NYT reporters)

(We have to admit, we feel a little like Richard Deitsch right now; by the way, we worked at SI in the ’90s when there was both a Richard Deitsch and a Richard Deutsch in the reporters bullpen; the latter, a great guy with an incredibly dry sense of humor, left and became a lawyer)

—Randy Rainbow returns with “DACA-Shame”. Personally, we would have gone with a more contemporary song: “DACA-Con.”

Music 101

Livin’ On A Prayer

Say what you want about Jon Bon Jovi—say nothing if you want—but the Jersey rocker produced an outstanding debut album in 1986, with a pair of No. 1 hits. This was the second, after “You Give Love A Bad Name.” A third single, “Wanted Dead Or Alive,” reached No. 7. Bon Jovi never equaled this creative peak, but few artists have.

A Word, Please

obtuse (adj.)*

*”What did you call me?”

Annoyingly insensitive or slow to understand*

Not to be confused with abstruse (adj.), which means “difficult to understand or obscure,”so that one could find a way to say, “I’m not being obtuse, it’s just that the subject matter is abstruse.”

by John Walters

Starting Five

Look closely and notice that Irma’s diameter is about equal to the length of Florida

A Hard Rain’s Gonna Fall

Musing out loud: “Irma” is an anagram of “Mira,” which is one of the more famous surnames in the Miami Hurricane football family: George Mira, Miami’s QB in the early Sixties, and George, Jr., the team’s All-American middle linebacker in the heart of The U era.

Mira, Jr., one of the last of the neck roll wearers

Anyway, Irma, with her 185 m.p.h. winds and Category 5, is about to pack a far stronger hit than George, Jr., ever did. By the way, George, Sr., grew up in Key West, which is going to take the brunt of the storm this weekend.

2. A.L. East in the A.M.

Because of a two-hour rain delay in Baltimore and a 19-inning endurance test in marathon (nay, a Boston marathon), four of the five A.L. East teams found themselves playing after midnight this morning. In the city of Stringer Bell, the Yankees squandered a five-run lead and lost to the Orioles, 7-6. Manny Machado ended it with a two-out, two-run homer in the bottom of the ninth at about 1 a.m. Ouch, babe.*

(*The MH staff is even more glad that it chose to go to sleep in the sixth inning)

Up in Beantown and facing the Blue Jays, the Red Sox won at about 1:15 a.m. when Hanley Ramirez’s bloop single scored Mookie Betts, who had led off with a double, ending a three-game slide.

3. Wasted In Wyoming

So it sounds as if ESPN radio host Ryen Russillo did the ol’ Extremely Intoxicated-and-Extremely Belligerent two-fer when he was out in Wyoming, even though he intended no harm to anyone else. He simply got so blackout drunk that he entered the wrong condo and when the cops asked him to leave, he behaved like a jerk.

That earned him an arrest, a mugshot, and a two-week suspension from ESPN. To Russillo’s credit, he owned up to his mistakes when he returned to air yesterday and, let’s face it, he didn’t miss a day of the NFL season, so that suspension was quite timely. I mean, who doesn’t love two weeks off in August even if they are unpaid (and were they even?).

To Russell’s credit, he completely, as he said, owned the blame. “I know, for years, I’m gonna have to own this and wear it because if I say, ‘[Joe] Flacco’s having a hard time finding his receivers,’ you’re gonna say three years from now, ‘Just like you in hotel rooms,’” Russillo said. “So, that’s the price that I pay as a public figure. I understand it. But again, I’m sorry.

4. DACA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qWFydl-nFsw

Another Day of Trump: “I have a great heart for these people,” the president said of the hundreds of thousands who will be affected by his rescinding of the DACA executive order signed by his predecessor. Then he kicked the can over to Congress.

This is a total Trump move: he strikes out something Obama did (a YUUUUUGE win with his base), then he tells Congress to clean up the mess (allowing him the plausible deniability with the center as if to say, “Hey, don’t look at me”), all the while failing to have an actual position or show even a modicum of leadership.

The feeling here is that he’s a little more concerned about how Mar-A-Lago will weather the storm than he is about anyone whose parents brought them here illegally.

5. The Experts Get It Right (And Wrong)

Finally, an “Experts’ Poll” with which we can agree. ESPN’s Heisman pickers have Josh RosenRosen way out in front in the Heisman race (after that glut of Sam Darnold preseason features, making it all the sweeter). It’s not just that RosenRosen threw for 491 yards against a legitimate “S-E-C!” defense, it’s that he engineered the second-greatest comeback (34 points) in FBS history. Context should mean something, and these media types got that. Good for them.

(The largest comeback in FBS history? 35 points, Michigan State versus Northwestern in 2006; the Wildcats had led 38-3).

LSU silenced a quality BYU squad and failed to move up a spot in the polls

On the flip side, both the AP poll and Coaches poll kept USC in the Top 6, even though they were tied with Western Michigan at home midway through the fourth quarter, Sure, the Broncos are a very good team (went 13-1 last season, but did not Oklahoma State, Michigan, LSU, Stanford and Georgia not all have more impressive debuts? LSU, as Jacob/Jason Anstey points out, did not even allow BYU to cross midfield last Saturday night. So the question as always remains: Why do AP/Coaches Poll voters adhere to the preseason polls as the template for how they vote following Week 1? It’s intellectually lazy, and we realize we’re making that accusation against sportswriters and SIDs. Forgive us.

Music 101

Jet Airliner

“And I don’t want to get caught up in all that/Funky sh*t going down in the city…”

When The Steve Miller Band released Fly Like An Eagle in 1976, it packed the biggest hit of his career: the title track reached No. 2 on the Billboard chart and seemed to be ubiquitous on radio. The following year, however, TSMB released Book of Dreams, an album that has three songs which, though none were as big of a hit, all seem to have aged better: “Swingtown,” “Jungle Love” and this classic, which shot up to No. 8 on the charts.

A Word, Please

hoary (adj.)

grayish white; old*

This is a word better written than spoken, just so as not to offend

by John Walters

Starting Five

A four-Martinez night left the Dodgers shaken

10-0 

How often do a pair of Major League teams put together 10-game win streaks the way Cleveland and Arizona currently have. The Tribe beat the ChiSox 5-3 yesterday for their 10th in a row and are now 10 up on Minnesota. The Diamondbacks, with help from J.D. Martinez’s four-homer night, crushed the Dodgers, 13-4. L.A. has now lost 9 of 10 and are “only” 12.5 up on Arizona, where as recently as two weeks ago they were 20 games up.

Only 18 players have had four-homer games in MLB history (six this century), making it a rarer feat than a perfect game.

2. Monday Night Football

Props to college football. The FBS saved its two most exciting opening weekend contests for Sunday and Monday nights in prime time. Tennessee, down 28-14 to Georgia Tech in the fourth quarter, rallied to tie and then won 42-41 in the second overtime when the Rambling Wreck, playing a stone’s throw south of campus, failed to convert a two-point try.

Oh, and Rece Davis was an energetic and passionate voice for the game.

By the way, someone get the ice tub ready for Ga. Tech’s TaQuon Marshall. He’s now the nation’s leading rusher with 244 yards, but he’s also the nation’s leading rusher with 44 carries per game.

Meanwhile, before we forget, Texas A&M broke out the scepter in the first half after going up on UCLA 38-10. Oops.

Trayveon Williams is strutting around the Rose Bowl sideline with a scepter. This is amazing.

— dgxiii (@danny_g13) September 4, 2017

3. Has Kim Jong-Un Gone Ballistic?

Kim is 33, 5’7″ and seems to have a bit of a weight problem. His best U.S. friend is Dennis Rodman. Why are you shaking?

On Sunday it was learned that North Korea tested a bomb underground that is thought to have been three times the size of the Hiroshima bomb. Meanwhile, its leader keeps making threats about launching more missiles (why are they called “missiles” instead of “hitiles?” Thank God for small favors). Anyway, what makes Kim so fascinating is that most countries have a reason and/or purpose for going to war. Kim is like that dude in The Warriors who shot Cyrus just to stir shit up. He’s batsh*t crazy. May you live in interesting times…

On Sunday U.S. Ambassador to the U.N. told the Security Council that our “patience is not unlimited.” She was then scolded for using a double negative.

Meanwhile, what are the odds of the 2018 Winter Olympics in Pyongyang, South Korea, actually taking place?

4. Here Comes Irma

Why worry about North Korea when you can be concerned with the Category5 hurricane, Irma, currently churning toward Puerto Rico. If Irma’s path remains true, it could smack into the Florida Keys by Friday or Saturday. It is packing winds of 175 m.p.h. and the Yankees want to sign it as their closer.

You have to wonder if Jay Cutler will lead the philanthropic hurricane relief drive…nah, probably not.

5. Brock To The Future

Quarterback Brock Osweiler couldn’t make the Cleveland Browns, where a rookie will start, and then his two teams-ago franchise, the Denver Broncos, pick him up? Somewhere Colin Kaepernick read that news and began applying for grad school, no? Help me out here, people.

Music 101

And Your Bird Can Sing

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g527j5J0NiA

Over the weekend on Sirius/XM’s The Beatles Channel, host Peter Asher counted down the Top 100 songs by The Fab Four (as voted by listeners). We cannot truck with any Beatles list that places “The Fool on The Hill” all the way down at 62 and “Hello, Goodbye” at 56. The problem is, of course, that there are just a surfeit of incredible Beatles songs. This one from Revolver came in at No. 39.

A Word, Please

hirsute (adj)

hairy

by John Walters

Starting Five

The Rosen Bowl*

*The judges will also accept, “The Aggie-ny and the Ecstasy”

Did that really happen?!?!??! UCLA trailed 44-10 IN PASADENA to Texas A&M and it was the worst scorched earth scene any local had witnessed since the La Tuna fire (which was still happening). Then Josh RosenRosen led the Bruins ALL THE WAY BACK….35 unanswered points in 17 minutes against an “S-E-C! S-E-C!” school that had physically dominated the Bruins to that point.

In the last game played in the Rose Bowl, Sam Darnold led USC back rom 14 down in the 4th quarter and everyone anointed him the Heisman favorite. RosenRosen, who finished 35-59 for four touchdowns, no interceptions, and 491 yards, led his team back from 34 down—the second-largest comeback in FBS history. Just before throwing the game-winning TD pass, RosenRosen motioned to his offense (and to the Aggies) that he would be spiking the ball. He didn’t.

Chip Kelly, who was measuring Jim Mora’s office for new drapes at halftime, will have to stand down a bit.

It’s pretty cool, though. The best college football venue there is has hosted arguably the two most thrilling games of 2017. And Josh RosenRosen reminded everyone that there are TWO quarterbacks in Los Angeles.

2. A Deluge Of Runs

August 25-31: Harvey Pounds Houston

Sept. 2: Houston Pounds Harvey

The New York Mess, having no appreciation of irony, decided to bring former ace Matt HARVEY  back on the same day the Houston Astros were returning to play at home for the first time since Hurricane Harvey dumped a record amount of rainfall on the city and surrounding areas.

How did that work out, Terry Collins? Harvey, in his first start since going on the disabled list in June, allowed seven earned runs and left after two innings. It was the shortest outing of the onetime can’t-miss-kid’s career. But, really, Mess, you should’ve known better than to tweak the gods.

3. Reelin’ In The Years

Becker, lett, has left

Walter Becker was the half of the Steely Dan duo who just stood there playing guitar, but partner Donald Fagen appreciated him. Becker passed at 67 this weekend and Fagen pens this warm tribute.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ea3Bofkmwlc

We’ve run this video before, but here’s the band playing The Midnight Special in the early Seventies and Bill Cosby is your host….

4. Dear Donald

The contents of the letter that Barack Obama wrote to Donald Trump and left on the desk in the Oval Office are at last revealed. We were kinda hoping for a “P.S., Good luck lasting eight years” but no such luck.

5. Medium Happy’s Domin-Eight

(The Top 8 Teams, Loosely, In The FBS)

MH pollster Debbie Harry exclaims, “The Tide is high/But I’m holdin’ on/They’re going to be my number one, numberrrrr one, number one”

1. Alabama 2. We’re Leaving This Spot Blank To Demonstrate How Much Distance There Is Between The Crimson Tide And Everyone Else 3. Clemson 4. Penn State 5. Oklahoma 6. Michigan’s Defense (it’s our list, we can do what we like) 7. The Service Academies (Air Force, Army, Navy), Who Went 3-0 By A Combined 168-25 Score (Is it 1917 or 2017?) 8. Stanford

Music 101

My Old School

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YDAFsFeskKE

sDonald Fagen and Walter Becker, the latter of whom passed yesterday at the age of 67, were Steely Dan. No one will ever put “William & Mary,” “Annandale,” and “Guadalajara” in the same song again. You’ll find Steely Dan’s music in the “Pearls Before Swine”

A Word, Please

apoplectic (adj.)

overcome with anger; extremely indignant