IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 2 Comments

by John Walters

Starting Five

Off Trak

Three people die as the Amtrak Cascades 501 passenger train in western Washington takes a turn at 80 mph when it was supposed to be traveling 30 mph for a turn on an overhead pass. Of the 14 cars, 13 slid off the track and a few onto Interstate 5 below. It was the train’s maiden voyage on this route between Seattle and Portland.

2. Skipper Resigns

“I come to this public disclosure with embarrassment, trepidation and a feeling of having let others I care about down,” wrote ESPN president John Skipper, who announced his resignation yesterday, citing a “substance addiction” of “many years.” Exactly what substance that is or why Skipper, who turns 62 today, chose to resign as opposed to taking a sabbatical, is not known.

The resignation took ESPN employees by surprise, many of whom, such as Tony Reali on Around The Horn, or Rece Davis, Jemele Hill or Dan LeBatard on Twitter, publicly praised him for being such a fine steward and wonderful boss. We only interviewed him face to face once, and he came across as a fine and thoughtful man.

3. Last In Space

 

 I love the idea of aliens visiting the United States, but is outer space sending us their best or are they sending us their rapists and murderers? And are these aliens even legal, or are they illegal?

Also, I just have to wonder if this isn’t the most brazen promo for The Last Jedi I have yet seen.

4. The Panther Who’s A Cougar*

*The judges will also accept “I Can Tina” or “She’s The Boss”

Now that owner Jerry Richardson has stepped down in the wake of SI’s report on what a cretin he is, Tina Becker, a former Panther cheerleader, has been named Chief Operating Officer. She will run day-to-day operations, which means we may be only weeks away from Cam Newton putting his foot into his mouth with his own boss. “I think it’s funny to hear women discussing…multi-year contract extensions,” he might say.

“Tina is the right person to lead this organization,” sad Hugh McColl, the former chairman and CEO of Bank of America, which basically is the engine behind the city of Charlotte. “I know she is committed to the Panthers, to the city of Charlotte and to ensuring this organization is run in a professional and progressive manner.”

5. JoJo? ScarJost? CoScar? 

Laugh, but original Weekend Update co-anchor Dan Aykroyd married Donna Dixon

Internationally famous actress Scarlett Johansson, who made a cameo appearance on Saturday Night Live last weekend, is reportedly hot ‘n heavy with comic/writer Colin Jost, who makes a cameo appearance on SNL every weekend.

She’s just a kid from Long Island. He’s just a kid from Staten Island. We wish them well.

Meanwhile, recall that original Weekend Update co-host Dan Aykroyd, who was nowhere near as handsome as Jost, wound up marrying actress/starlet Donna Dixon. Is it the desk? By the way, Colin’s co-host Michael Che may have had his strongest show yet last weekend. See below:

Music 101

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHVIVNoIPVM

This song originated in the 1944 MGM musical Meet Me In St. Louis and was originally sung by Judy Garland, the queen of melancholy classics. The original version was even more grim. The song began “Have yourself a merry little Christmas/It may be your last…” No, seriously. I chose Frank’s version here because who has a richer voice than Ol’ Blue Eyes. This is one of our staff’s all-time favorite Christmas tunes because you can’t help but feel the sadness seeping into your bones. When he sings, “From now on your troubles will be out of sight…” we all know that even he knows that’s a con.

Remote Patrol

The Year 2017

9 p.m. ABC

President Trump: America Thirst

For the masochists in our crowd (besides those who write daily blogs pro bono), ABC is spending 2 hours looking back at the past year. All I have to say to 2017 is what Robin Roberts said to Omarosa: “Bye, Felicia.”

McAFEE METER

by John Walters | Leave a comment

Days remaining until New Year’s, 2021: 1,110

Friday’s Bitcoin Price: $17,744

Current Price of Bitcoin: $18,722

Friday’s magic number: $882.53 per day.

That is, the price of Bitcoin must rise this much on average every day to reach $1 million by January 1, 2021. Between Friday and today Bitcoin rose an average of $329 per day, which is a great rate per day, but below what it needs to do for Mr. McAfee to retain his member on New Year’s Day, 2021. Our new magic number, i.e., the rate per day of increase Bitcoin must maintain, is…

Today’s magic number: $884.03

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 5 Comments

by John Walters

Starting Five

Did Jesse James get robbed?

1. Catch And Release

A wild finish in Pittsburgh last night in what was likely a prelude to the AFC Championship game. The Pats led 27-24 when Ben Roethlisberger threw what looked to most of us like the go-ahead touchdown pass to tight end Jesse James (nice pick play, Steelers).

It looks good here, though

Except that the zebras overturned the call, saying “the ball did not survive the ground.” I hate to say the referees were correct, or to give the team that benefited from Tuck Rule another mulligan, but given the rules that the NFL has, the refs were right. James did lose …

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y-An2as6Em8

…control of the football as he went to the ground, and maybe the lesson here is that he (and other receivers) should have worried more about securing the football toward his body than extending it past pay dirt. One more thing: I’m not sure that even when James lost control of the football that it even touched the turf, but I’m also not sure if that matters (it should, though, no?).

Anyway, it seems that, as written, the rule backs up the zebras on this play. Even though James had the ball until he…didn’t.

Two plays later, with the Steelers down 27-24 and :05 on the clock, Big Ben faked a spike, tried for the game-winning TD pass from five yards out, and threw a pick. Pats survive again.

Both teams are now 11-3 but the Pats won the head-to-head, so these two could meet for the second year in a row in the AFC title game in the borough of Fox.

2. Jerry Man-Dering

Do the sexual harassment and cover-up accusations against Carolina Panther owner Jerry Richardson have any merit? Well, one day after the story came up, Richardson announced that he’s selling the team. And another white power figure NFL owner named Jerry (Jones), commented that this made him “sad.”

Props to SI’s L. Jon Wertheim and Viv Bernstein for uncovering that the Panthers ”

“Have Made Multiple Confidential Payouts for Workplace Misconduct, Including Sexual Harassment and Use of a Racial Slur”

It’s all right there in the headline of the piece. I mean, sure, go ahead and read the details, but they dropped the hammer right in the headline.

3. La La Land*

*The judges will also accept “Harshing His Melo”

In his only appearance at the Garden this season, Carmelo Anthony scored 12 points and received one death stare from his estranged wife, La La. The Thunder lost 111-96, and it’s the Knicks who have a winning record (16-13) and OKC that has a losing record (14-15). That’s known as The Carmelo Effect.

La La looks good, though, no?

4. Where The Streeps Have No Name

 

 

Is this really the three-time Oscar winner? Could be. My cousin, who was the same age and at the same show, is a little chapped that the CBS cameras failed to locate her. She’s actually more telegenic.

5. The Seven Words You Can’t Say on CDC

Over the weekend the Center for Disease Control (CDC) affirmed that the White(st) House has forbidden official budgetary request documents to use the following seven words: “diversity,” “evidence-based,” “entitlement,” “fetus,” “science-based,” “transgender,” and “vulnerable.”

This is terrible, of course, but it does remind us of one of the greatest comic riffs of all time. Here’s George Carlin (use headphones if at work):

Music 101

Sausalito Summer Nights

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JiZPzQN6cgw

In 1981 the Dutch band Diesel wrote the greatest Huey Lewis and the News song that Huey himself didn’t record. It’s  a song about a road trip to San Francisco and it peaked at No. 25 in the U.S. but went all the way to No. 1 in Canada. Imagine if they’d penned Shaughnessy Heights Summer Nights (that’s for you Vancouverians…Vancouverites?)

Remote Patrol

The Crown, Season 2

Netflix

In its maiden season, this was the best dramatic series on television in 2016. Season 2 dropped earlier this month and we finally caught the first two episodes. Lizzy sends Phillip on a five-month tour of the South Pacific and it turns out that when the cat’s away, the cat will play. Oh, and never write bawdy letters to your pals at the Thursday Club about your misadventures in Borneo (that should be, like, Rule No. 17).

McAfee Meter

by John Walters | Leave a comment

Days remaining until New Year’s, 2021: 1,113

Yesterday’s Bitcoin Price: $16,261

Current Price of Bitcoin: $17,744

Yesterday’s magic number: $883.07 per day.

That is, the price of Bitcoin must rise this much on average every day to reach $1 million by January 1, 2021.

Today’s magic number: $882.53

So that’s an improvement on yesterday.  In other words, the price of Bitcoin met its minimum rising rate yesterday. Where will the weekend take it? Is $20,000 in play before Christmas? It better be for Mr. McAfee’s sake.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 2 Comments

by John Walters

Starting Five

The veteran advises the rookie on the fine art of frustrating the lip readers

1. LeBronzo?*

*Geez, Louise, Susie B: Take the bait!

LeBron’s Cavaliers met Kyle Kuzma’s Brandon Ingram’s Lonzo’s Lakers last night. Cleveland won 121-112, as Kevin “Trade Block” Love led all scorers with 28 points. LeBron scored 25, Lonzo scored 13. More telling, both players led their respective teams in assists with 12 and 11, respectively.

Will they be teammates in some future scenario? Or does LeBron realize he’s got a much better chance making the Finals if he remains in Cleveland (or going to New York) and of winning the Finals if he joins Houston as resident elder statesman? Then again, he did just buy a second home in the Brentwood area.

2. Rule Number One…

…is, as you longtime readers know, “Gravity always wins.” So 26 year-old “rooftopper” Wu Yongning had been cheating the rules for some 300 stunts before it finally caught up to him last month. Attempting a stunt from a 62-story skyscraper in Changsha, the capital of the Hunan province, Wu wooed fate one time too many.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LVZZ0VWcW64

3. Who’s Harvey?

It seems obvious that Hollywood will be doing a film about Harvey Weinstein and his decades of bullying (and worse) of actresses. There’s a surfeit of women who can supply vignettes that will make for incredible and horrific scenes. But who’s going to produce it: Netflix? HBO? Miramax?

The next question is, Who will play Harvey? First, remember that there once was a Hollywood film of that name that starred Jimmy Stewart. But Stewart didn’t play Harvey; Harvey was an invisible, six-foot tall rabbit.

Is Stewart groping Harvey? Who can tell?

So he’s out. Who’s next? Our top pick would have been the deceased James Gandolfini. You need someone ursine who can be bright and charming but has an underside of rage that is just under the surface.

But we must move on. With the help of tweeps, here are our top five Harvey Weinstein casting hopefuls:

—Ron Perlman: Has vast experience playing a beast.

—Jon Favreau: Has the proper ursine look and if you saw Chef, you see he’s not always just a nice guy.

—John Goodman: Bearish and can be brutish.

—Kevin Spacey: The irony is too seductive.

—Roseanne Barr: Yes!

Throw us some suggestions.

4. Buckle Up*

What’s going on here? You BETTER have that phone stowed away or it’s about to fly back and hit the person sitting in 36-E.

 

*How does this reflect on Rule No. 1, we wonder?

5. Luka Here!

This photo is going to need to be destroyed before Doncic arrives in the NBA

I don’t think he’s going to supplant Marvin Bagley III as the top overall pick in the 2018 NBA Draft, but 6’6″ Luka Doncic, a Slovenian who plays for Real Madrid, is beginning to generate attention. Doncic is fun to watch and these videos probably have a Pavlovian effect on Gregg Popovich, dontcha think?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=06j-Mv4q1y0

Doncic is just 18 years old. Is 3-6-Slovenia a bad sobriquet?

Reserves

Last night the Boston Globe dropped a story relating to ESPN and some of its female talent. Things to know if you haven’t read the piece:

—Matthew Berry once took Jenn Sterger to a strip club after an employee outing when both were still interviewing for gigs. He landed a Fantasy gig, but she landed no gig.

—Jade McCarthy was laid off last April while in the eighth month of pregnancy.

—Sara Walsh, who was also laid off last April, did a show from Alabama while in the midst of suffering a miscarriage because she was so scared about taking maternity leave or losing her gig.

—Lindsay Czarniak left after going on maternity leave and having her 6 p.m. SportsCenter seat yanked out from under her for The Six. LC was offered a settlement later.

Czarniak is a pro and one of the most down-to-earth on-air folks you’ll ever meet.

–Longtime anchor John Buccigross sent shirtless pics of himself via text to Adriana Lawrence, an on-air personality who is also a lawyer and was working there on a fellowship of sorts. Buccigross hash tagged #Longlegs and #Dollface until Lawrence finally replied, “You need to wear clothes, sir.” However, if you read these texts that ESPN released since the Globe story ran, it’s obvious that this was a consensual relationship for quite some time. The Globe may not have had access to all of these texts, but it sure looks as if Lawrence misled the writer.

–Sort of buried within but I found interesting: employees must disclose to the company if they are involved in personal relationships with one another. It is required. When do you do that? After the third date? The first time you meet someone’s parents? What if you’re involved with more than one person at the company? Uh oh!

Omarosolong!

If you haven’t seen this yet (“Deuces! Out!”), go to 7:27 of this CNN sisters-are-doing-it-for-themselves moment:

Meanwhile, a faithful reader noted our use of this photo yesterday and reminded us to check out where the president’s eyes were directed:

Larry David covered this phenomenon on the season finale of Curb, by the way.

Music 101

So Far Away

Long before they were named to be included in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame earlier this week, Dire Straits had more than enough street cred to resonate with anyone who’s ever picked up a guitar or attempted to write lyrics. Here’ Mark Knopffler and the band performing an acoustic/electric version of their 1985 hit in Sydney, at the peak of their worldwide popularity.

Remote Patrol

Spurs at Rockets

9:30 ESPN

The Rockets are 12-0 when Chris Paul plays

Houston has won 11 straight and is 22-4. The Spurs have Kawhi Leonard back. The warmup act—OKC at Philly—may be even more intriguing. That’s at 7 p.m.