What the hell? People are intentionally burning down the Amazon rainforest? Why don’t we all just poop in our water supply, too? Of all the catastrophic events taking place during this new age of fashionable totalitarianism, burning down the Amazon rainforest may be the catastrophicest.
And we’re obsessing over whether or not Trump is going to buy Greenland?!? I’m at the ‘I-don’t-even-know-what-to-say’ level at this point. You?
The Constant Gardner
This photo notwithstanding, Gardner is having a solid summer for the Jags
Remember Gardner Minshew? Graduate student who was gonna be content to ride the pine at Alabama as a backup QB in order to kickstart his coaching career, then made an exodus to Washington State after the incumbent starter at QB in Pullman committed suicide? Became a cult hero as he led the nation in passing yards per game (367.6) and was second in passing completion % (70.7%) as the Cougs finished 11-2?
Minshew, about 6’0″, was not drafted until the 6th round, by the Jaguars. Jacksonville gave him $195,000, guaranteed. By comparison, Jared Goff, another former Pac-12 QB who never posted numbers as exemplary nor led his school to 11 wins, received $18.5 million guaranteed as a rookie three years ago. Not claiming Minshew is going to be as good a pro as Goff, but it does look as if he is going to make the Jags roster as the No. 2 quarterback behind Nick Foles (another Pac-12 alum who wound up surprising a few people as an NFL QB).
He’s kidding, right, this Dudek fellow? Ooh! Oooh! Pick me, Mr. Kotter!
Journey Of A Lifetime
By now you’ve probably seen or read about Brad Ryan and his grandma, Joy, who have set out on an epic adventure, a quest really, to visit all of our national parks. Thus far, after four years the duo have visited nearly half of the 61 national parks, having covered 38 states (Phyllis, what say you?).
I love this story and dollars-to-doughnuts someone will turn this into a feature film. That is unless we discover the two are not actually related and it’s some bizarre Harold and Maude-type relationship.
Comstock Load
This is the funniest thing I’ve seen on Twitter this week and I wanted to learn more. This is the story of Keith Comstock, former journeyman MLB and minor-league pitcher, who as a 32 year-old demoted back to AAA, was able (via teammates united against having their baseball card pics taken unless he was allowed to do this) to create the funniest Topps baseball card ever.
Somewhere Ron Shelton, the writer of Bull Durham, is kicking himself for not having thought of this for the screenplay.
Calls Jews “stupid” if they vote Democrat and cancels trip to Denmark after its Prime Minister called his interest in purchasing Greenland “absurd.” And that was Tuesday.
Just so we’re clear here: titular head of the Republican Party, who defends neo-Nazis as “very fine people,” calls out Jews who would dare to not support him.
The King AnDi-vorce*
*The judges will also accept “Once Upon A Time In Hollywood”
Radio megastar and Weekend At Bernie‘s aspirational figure Larry King, 85, has filed for divorce from his wife of 22 years, Shawn King. Who is not that mixed race dude who always gets in on-line battles with Clay Travis. And is definitely not the former Tulane quarterback.
Shawn is 59. This was Larry’s seventh marriage and the depressing part is knowing he’ll get married again before we will wed.
There’s TWO Of Them?
Dear 23AndMe: I’ve got a project for you.
Wow. Yesterday on the campaign trail in Minnesota Democratic presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren met her doppelgänger (that’s the U.S. Senator on the right…for once). This gives us hope that there may just be a Charlize Theron lookalike hiding out somewhere.
Edina resident Stephanie Oyen has been told so often by family members that she resembles Warren that she decided to don her blue blazer and glasses (her standard Halloween costume the past two years) and attend an event in St. Paul where Warren was speaking. When she entered the back of the hall, people began to turn around and point out, “It’s her!”
Oyen is 50. Warren is 70. Here’s to great genes.
The Great Buster
TCM aired a documentary on silent film star Buster Keaton Monday night and because I barely knew more about him than the name, I decided to give it a chance. In the intro they explain that Keaton’s short films, or shorts, were essentially the inspiration for most Bugs Bunny cartoons. And, Bugs being an all-time favorite of mine, they had me hooked.
Two things to know about Keaton: 1) he was born, in 1895, to a pair of parents who had their own vaudeville act and then became a part of it before he could even walk 2) in that act and when he became a movie star in the early 20s, he did his own stunts.
Watch this, and notice what he does at :46. Also, at 1:26. Those are two of his most famous stunts. Don’t try that at home (or with your home):
There, Al McCoy
The Phoenix Suns announced that Al McCoy, who has been calling games for the NBA franchise since 1972 (and has missed only ONE game due to personal illness in all that time), will return for a 48th season this autumn. McCoy, 86, is nearly as much of an institution in the Valley of the Sun as Camelback Mountain. A few years back I profiled him in Newsweek.
Music 101
No Time
Last night at the Cookoutateria an upper-middle-aged rock band, The Rockbrokers, covered this Guess Who classic with aplomb. The song was released in September of 1969, which means that it turns 50 next month, and in the aftermath of the Manson Family murders and Woodstock, it feels as if it’s a breakup song with the Sixties in a way. With the gorgeous four-part harmonies and unique guitar riff, it makes us think that this is one song the Beatles wish they had written. The Canadian rockers, who also wrote “American Woman” and “These Eyes,” are somehow NOT in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. WUT?
Remote Patrol
Sullivan’s Travels
TCM 8 p.m.
This 1941 Preston Sturges comedy is considered a classic. John Sullivan (Joel McRea) is a popular young Hollywood director of frivolous comedies (sounds like a few people we could name) who longs to make a meaningful picture. So he dresses as a hobo in Depression-era America to find out what the real people are really like. Somehow Veronica Lake factors into the plot.
Tua will start the season as the Tide’s undisputed starter
QB Carousel At The Top
For the first time ever, Clemson is atop the preseason AP poll. No surprise for the defending champions. Here’s to us, what is funny: from a cursory glance, every school in the AP’s preseason Top 5 has been part of a quarterback soap opera in the past two seasons:
-No. 1 Clemson: Trevor Lawrence supplants starter Kelly Bryant after one month in 2018 and Bryant flips to Mizzou (and doesn’t get a ring!).
No. 2 Alabama: Jalen Hurts loses his starting job to Tua Tagovailoa early in 2018 after leading the Tide to a pair of national championship games. He’s now the starter at No. 4 Oklahoma.
He may be young but Lawrence already possesses the tools of a future No. 1 overall pick (2021)
No. 3 Georgia: Jacob Fromm takes the starter’s job away from Jacob Eason, now at No. 13 Washington, early in 2017 and holds onto it, which prompts Justin Fields to transfer also. Fields is now the starter at No. 5 Ohio State.
It keeps going. Jarrett Patterson left Ole Miss and is now the starter at No. 7 Michigan. Ian Book took the job away from Brandon Wimbush at No. 9 Notre Dame last September; Wimbush is now at No. 17 UCF.
Elite QBs are not students so much as they are hired guns. And you can’t blame them. Frankly, all positions in college football are not equal and QBs should only have to sit out until the end of the season in which they transfer, if they transfer mid-season. If they transfer post-season, they should not have to sit out at all.
Mr. Ed
If you remember the 1960s sitcom Mr. Ed, the premise was a talking horse of the title who not only speaks to his owner but dispenses wisdom on a regular basis. Flash forward 50-plus years to Mindhunter, where convicted serial killer Ed Kemper (who decapitated 6 of his 10 victims) has become the show’s undisputed charmer and sage.
Kemper, who in real life stood 6’9″, has only one scene in Season 2 but his words have remained with me for a few days. Our G-men, agents Ford and Tench, have traveled from Quantico to Vacaville to interview Charles Manson, but he’s housed in the same facility as Kemper, whose interview kick-started the entire profiling practice. So they stop in and visit him.
Kemper on word of their interview with Manson having already spread through the prison: “Everyone knows when Charlie takes a shit, and if you haven’t heard, he’ll tell you all about it. Even if someone else took the shit for him.”
The real Ed Kemper who, like Manson Family member Tex Watson, is still alive and incarcerated in California
Later, Kemper demonstrates how insightful he is, recognizing that they’re on the trail of someone that has yet to make the papers (the Atlanta child murderer). When Ford somewhat smugly states that eventually every serial killer tips his hand and is caught, Kemper, who turned himself in because he realized the cops would never catch him, says, “It occurs to me that everything you know about serial killers comes from talking with the ones who were caught.”
Finally Fired
It took five years, but the NYPD finally fired Officer Dan Pantaleo for choking Eric Garner to death in July of 2014. Panatela remains a free man, but we can all sleep better knowing that the scourge of second-hand street cigarettes are no longer destroying the purity of Staten Island. In other news, “Juul Labs Says Raised About $325.0 Million In Equity And Debt Financing.”
Hmm.
X Marks The Spot
Yesterday U.S. Steel (ticker symbol “X,” which is way cool) announced that it will lay off hundreds of workers at one of its plants in Michigan. So much winning. The formidable company’s stock price was at $30.93 a year ago today; this morning it’ll open under $13. Stop buying wooden homes, people. Buy steel homes.
Forty Somethings
Boulet
You know us by now: time is pressing, we have to get ready for work, and we still don’t have a No. 5. So we head over to Letsrun.com and hope there’s something and—spoiler alert—there usually is.
Smith, on top of the world in so many ways
The annual Leadville 100, one of the most iconic foot races in the USA (100 miles of trail running across ridges and backwoods in the Colorado Rockies) was staged this past weekend and both the men’s and women’s winners were runners in their forties. Ryan Smith, 40, of Boulder, won the men’s race in a time of 16 hours, 33 minutes and 25 seconds. Magdalena Boulet, 46, who was an Olympic marathoner 11 years ago and lives in Oakland, won the women’s race in 20 hours, 18 minutes and seven seconds. She finished 11th overall and this was her very first Leadville run.
— Roberto Alonso González Lezcano (@robertoglezcano) August 17, 2019
Death or glory? Watch and see.
Starting Five
The 1619 Project
Five hundred years from now, if man is still alive (now we’re just channeling the song “In The Year 2525”), it feels to me as if the United States of America will be paired alongside ancient Rome among the historians. There’s no denying the technological advances that the USA has been responsible for, or that its ideals about democracy and liberty advanced society/societies in every hemisphere.
On the other hand, the two ugly truths about America is that it is land that was stolen from indigenous peoples and claimed via coast-to-coast genocide. And, second, that it was built on the backs of slaves who, as this new project from The New York Times accurately accounts, actually predated those Plymouth Rock Pilgrims on our shores.
“I love the poorly educated,” Donald Trump once said and he’s sincere. The poorly educated do not read. The poorly educated are happier to buy the myths that make them feel good about themselves rather than learn the harsh truths. The poorly educated prefer power to truth. There’s no crime in being poorly educated, since it’s normally the fault of those adults responsible for educating you. But, as an adult, it is a poor trait to willfully be opposed to learning more about what the truth is.
We don’t know how much traction this series from the NYT will gain beyond the “coastal elites.” Surely, if Trump even deigns to spend a moment responding to a question about it, he’ll call it “fake news.” But, capitalism flourished due to slavery (the way it does now via workers in Asia and workers from Central America) and America was built by capitalism. No way around that.
The Man From The Train
If you’ve read Devil In The White City, you know that serial killers in the U.S.A. existed long before Zodiac or Son of Sam or Ted Bundy. What you may not have known, what I certainly did not know, is that there may have been ONE brazen and prolific serial killer using railroads as his entry and egress for murder nationwide in the first decade of the 20th century.
The Man From The Train, whose author is Bill James, better known as the godfather of baseball saber metrics, investigates a series of murders that took place from Portland, Oregon, to the Deep South to Colorado Springs to Iowa and the Midwest. The M.O. was similar and chilling: the killer enters the home of a family after midnight and murders everyone, never using a gun but rather an axe handle, smashing heads as his victims slept. The homes are usually in rural areas and within half a mile of a railroad track.
Bill James and his daughter, Rachel
What makes James’ book (his daughter Rachel gets a co-author credit thanks to her copious research) fascinating is how easy is was to get away with murder a century ago. There was no FBI. Most small towns could not afford to investigate a murder—victims’ families were responsible for raising the money, which meant murders of lower-class people went uninvestigated (have times really changed?)—and without the internet or even a sophisticated newswire network, a mass murder that took place in Colorado that had shocking similarities to one in Iowa, well, those two murders would likely never be connected.
We’re not quite finished reading this book yet, and we hear that James and his daughter will eventually posit a prime suspect. If you enjoy true crime, this is one highly enlightening, and yet very disturbing, read. The good ol’ days weren’t all that good, it seems.
The Walton
Loved the idea of and, from what we saw, the execution of pairing Jason Benetti and Bill Walton in a baseball booth for a White Sox-Angels broadcast on Friday night (Benetti, whom ESPN viewers know as a precociously talented college football broadcaster, is the White Sox play-by-play guy). Which happened to be, coincidentally, the 50th anniversary of Woodstock.
“There’s no time limits, and you just go until somebody says, ‘It’s over,’” Walton, sounding not unlike George Carlin, said of baseball. “Sounds very much like a Dead show.
WE ARE DECEASED 💀… Bill Walton just asked what the record was for most strikeouts in an inning
Okay, hate to be That Guy, but the record is actually FOUR and 88 different pitchers hold it. That’s because of the passed ball/wild pitch strike three that allows the player who struck out to safely reach first. But it’s never been done TWICE in one inning plus three other strikeouts (Rule No. 7 waiting to happen).
Here’s for us, the funny thing: the renaissance of Bill Walton has almost nothing to do with the fact that he’s arguably the greatest college basketball player to ever touch the hardwood (you can make an argument for his UCLA predecessor, Lew Alcindor, or for Pete Maravich, sure). For us, it’s all about his infectious attitude toward…living! Bill gets it: the ride ends for all of us, and all too soon. Enjoy the ride! And be a positive force while on that ride.
One thing we’d like to add: at the apex of Walton’s basketball glory, in the early to mid-Seventies, one of the two to three most popular shows on television was a show that just happened to be called The Waltons (“Good night, John Boy” was America’s most popular catchphrase—a precursor to memes—in the early Seventies before giving way to “Kid Dy-no-MITE!”).
The biggest name in basketball was Walton. One of the two to three biggest names in TV was Walton (after Bunker, perhaps). And while Sam Walton’s first Walmart had already been open for a decade (in Rogers, Arkansas) it was nowhere near yet being part of the American consciousness.
Slurry Kudlow
Dana asks Larry Kudlow about purchasing Greenland "The President knows a thing or two about buying real estate" #FNSpic.twitter.com/HeaxR49JuU
White House economic adviser Larry Kudlow had us harkening back to Johnny Cash’s classic “Sunday Morning Coming Down” as he answered questions on Fox News (and on NBC’s Meet The Press) Sunday morning with what appeared to be a vodka-infused speech impediment. Save the Bloody Marys until after the TV hits next time, LK.
Google Turns 15
Larry Page and Sergey Brin, who killed the encyclopedia, among other pre-21st century conventions
Literally, Google began in a garage in California. Fifteen years ago today, the company went public. I remember this fairly well because in the company’s early days, CNBC’s Joe Kernen skeptically asked, “Yeah, but how are they going to make money?”
The company’s stock is up 2,701% since its IPO. And if you happen to care, Google absolutely controls the fate of print media because Google controls how high up a story appears on a Google search.
Google opened at $85 per share on August 19, 2004—the company approached Berkshire Hathaway, i.e. Warren Buffet, with an investment prospectus, and he turned them down. It’s now worth $1,193 per share after one 2-for-1 stock split a few years back.
Remote Patrol
Mindhunter
Netflix
Hello, bingewatch! The first season of Mindhunter, based on the real-life beginnings of the FBI’s serial-killer profiler unit, was hypnotic and addictive. Special agent Holden Ford (based on John E. Douglas) and his partner, Bill Tench, go around interviewing serial killers (the term had yet to be coined, but they’d do it) when not giving seminars around the nation to law enforcement units. Ford comes off as college boy-type while Tench is a man’s man to other cops, but the duo work well together–and in interviews with psychotic killers, Ford demonstrates an uncanny ability to see through his subjects and manipulate them into confessing things they’d never expect to do (he’s like the Roy Firestone of serial-killer interviewers).
So here comes Season 2, which dropped on Friday night. We’ve only seen two episodes, but BTK is going to finally play a prominent role (he was teased in the pre-credit scenes of most episodes in Season 1) and there’s a terrific interview with David Berkowitz. If you say this is the best original series Netflix has yet produced, we’d not argue. For us, only The Crown is on its level.
Trump isn’t racist. He’s worse. He’s so narcissistic he doesn’t see people as people. It’s why he doesn’t have any real friends. It’s why he gives a thumbs up next to an orphaned baby after a mass shooting. Everybody is an obstacle or a stepping stone. https://t.co/RGw1R5ByPb
The water hazard on the 7th hole of Trump International Greenland
Greenland Day
Of all the idiotic ideas Donald Trump has had before and after becoming president, this is NOT one of them. Of course the USA should purchase Greenland if the Danes put it up for sale. What with climate change and all Greenland will be Charleston in a few decades.
See how close this would put us to Russia, strategically
What we don’t understand is why the White House would bother to purchase it. Why not simply claim that ISIS has set up a base there and then deploy our military there for an indefinite period of time.
It Was Almost Over, Dale (Jr.)
On a sunny afternoon at the Elizabethton, Tenn., airport, Dale Jr.’s plane ran past the end of the runway and crashed through a retaining fence. Dale Jr., his wife, daughter and (most importantly) a dog, plus two pilots, were able to escape before the plane caught fire. There was retaining fence wrapped around parts of the plane, but lucky for Junior the cabin door was not restricted. Or else the Earnhardts would have been toast. Literally.
Now, as to how another airplane was able to bump Dale’s plane from behind, we still don’t understand. But that’s flyin’.
Bryce Harper may not be as good of a day-to-day player as Mike Trout (breaking: nobody is), but he can still do this. The Phillies entered the 9th inning against the Cubs down 5-1. Then two runs scored and the bases were loaded with one out when Harper came to the plate. That ball was last seen drifting past Jupiter.
Meanwhile, Harper’s grand slam capped a three-game sweep of the Cubs for the Phils.
Must We Revise Rule No. 1?
Frequent readers of this site are familiar with Rule No. 1: Gravity always wins. And then some skydiver chick in Quebec falls 5,000 feet when her parachute fails to open, survives, and compels us to rethink our entire existence.
Gravity almost always wins?
The 30 year-old female fell into a wooded area and suffered multiple fractures, including to vertebrae, but apparently her life is not in danger. No word on any paralysis.
This is the fastest and most precipitous anything has fallen in the past week that was not a result of an inverted yield curve.
$20 Bet
After Guerrero pressed the lyrics into Burns’ hands, he wrote the melody
It began about 10 years ago. Former Fox Sports reporter and ABC Monday Night Football sideline reporter Lisa Guerrero was at a charity golf event with her husband, former MLB pitcher Scott Erickson. The event, held in Kentucky, was overpopulated with country music types.
On the first night, filled with courage and perhaps a libation or two, Guerrero opined that it couldn’t be that hard to write a country music song (and this was long before Lady Ga Ga did so in A Star Is Born). That boast prompted a bunch of “little darlin'” responses but one man bet her $20 that she could not do so.
The next day, Guerrero sat down and wrote a country music song. The title: “Everybody Loves A Comeback.” She turned in the lyrics to the man (she forgets his name), who read them, did not quite believe she’d written the song, and then reached into his pocket and pulled out a Jackson.
Fast forward to this morning: country music artist Keith Burns has recorded the song and legendary Nashville producer James Stroud (credited with discovering Taylor Swift, among other achievements) has produced it. “Everybody Loves A Comeback” is out, under the Sony Music label, as of this morning.
Guerrero, who has a regular gig as an investigative reporter on Inside Edition (everybody really does love a comeback) is one of three backup singers on the song, along with sisters and budding artists Presley and Taylor.
*****
Yesterday. Phyllis phones. “I’m at church. Today is the feast of the Assumption.” Well, of course, Mom, everybody knows that!
“And tomorrow,” she says, “is the anniversary of the beginning of Medium Happy.” Phyllis never fails to astound us. Today is our 7th birthday. All the wealth and fame, sure, but we promise to remain humble.
