by John Walters

Every late night show has a writers’ room who had all day to write a Tucker Carlson joke. The Daily Show writer who wrote this first joke lapped the field. https://t.co/a0AGswMNsj

— John Walters (@jdubs1966) April 27, 2023

Bye Bye, Tucker

Biologically speaking, Tucker Carlson was always a paradox to us: a host who is also a parasite. We don’t have anything to add to his surprising exodus other than, “Good riddance, and will his successor be even more of a fascist?”

Meanwhile, Carlson’s firing was announced relatively early Monday morning, giving every late-night writing staff ample time to prepare its arrows. But none hit closer to home than this opener from The Daily Show, strategically delivered with utter precision by interim-but-should-become-permanent host Desi Lydic.

Flee Agent

Tyler Buchner was resoundingly outplayed by newcomer/transfer portal arriviste Sam Hartman in last Saturday’s Blue-Gold game in South Bend. And so, before this weekend he’s now made his exodus to Tuscaloosa, where his former O.C. at Notre Dame, Tommy Rees, is now the O.C. A few thoughts:

— You gotta have empathy for Buchner. Missed his junior season of high school with injury, than senior year cuz of Covid, then all but the first game (at Ohio State) last season due to another injury. And then a grad transfer takes his job.

–Alabama? I mean, don’t they recruit as well as any school in the country? And they’re handing their most important job to the backup QB from Notre Dame?

—I wonder if Sam Hartman has once said to himself, I could be the starting QB at Alabama right now. I wonder if Drew Pyne has had the same thought.

—I used this line on Twitter, but if Tommy Rees is such a whiz kid offensive coordinator, why did he look to a player from his old school to come rescue his new offense? Did Bama’s offense languish that badly this spring? It’s not as if they don’t have talent. And isn’t that Rees’ job: to make the engine hum? Feels a little bit as if he’s… passing the Buchner.

So I’m left to wonder if Rees isn’t so much of a coach as he is a consultant at McKinsey: convince your prospective client that only you are able to improve his company, then contract out the actual work to people who, unlike yourself, can actually perform.

—If this goes south, Nick Saban is going to have zero patience with Rees. This is his baby and he’s already used a phone-a-friend. It had better work.

—November 4: LSU (and Brian Kelly) at Alabama (and Rees and Buchner).

The Return Of Baby J

If you’ve not yet caught John Mulaney’s new standup special on Netflix, here’s our skinny: it’s highly confessional about his drug problem. It’s not a single word confessional about how his divorce or his quick relapse into a relationship with Olivia Munn (he does mention their son once, but never his wife or Munn).

Mulaney is a brilliant, highly self-aware comic. He knows what you’re thinking about him, or what you’re about to think about him, 10 paces ahead. One of the highlights of the show is early in, when he performs vaudevillian song-and-dance about how his life has been a nightmare since you last saw him on stage and how all the kids think Bo Burnham is funnier now (it’s true; I do).

At another point Mulaney divulges a highly embarrassing story about just how desperate he was to obtain cocaine, and at the end of the tale, he says, “No matter what you think of me for what you just heard, how low your opinion has sunk, keep in mind that that’s the story I was willing to tell you.”

Loved that moment. There’s no observational humor here; okay, only when he goes off on a tangent on something related to his odyssey that goes all the way back to the age of six (or three, depending on how much credence you put into his opening anecdote). It’s Mulaney in group, sharing the stories of addiction and desperation and shame. And most of it’s funny. There’s a moment near the end of the show, though, where the room becomes quiet and Mulaney is not attempting to make a joke. He talks about how for so much of his life, and public life, it was so important to him what people thought of him. Now, he says, “I don’t give a damn what anyone thinks of me.”

I’m not so sure I believe him. But that would be nice.

As I’ve shared here before, I had an interesting lunch with John Mulaney, just the two of us in the Village, back in April of 2015. He was a rising star and I’d jumped on the bandwagon early. What threw me off when we met was what a downer he was. He was quiet, not particularly engaging, and a little bit insecure. He’d obviously not taken the good drugs that morning.

He was polite. And later that night he invited me backstage to his dressing room, but feeling a tad insecure myself, I declined.

I think you can say that it is brave, what he is doing. Or maybe he realizes he can’t play a room until he addresses the elephant in the room. But I believe there’s another elephant there taking up space. And I hope for his sake that he’s able to stay sober. He’s still, along with Bo Burnham, the most talented comic around younger than 40ish.

The Bucks Stopped Here

A quick notes column on the first round of the NBA playoffs:

–You realize that Miami lost its play-in game at home to Atlanta and then went ahead and took care of the No. 1 seed in the East, the team with the NBA’s best record, in five games?!? WUT!

–Russell Westbrook scored 37 points in a game without attempting a single free throw. The Clippers lost that game.

–Devin Booker and Jimmy Butler have been the best player in either conference. Both are averaging just above 37 ppg, tops in the postseason. I already knew/believed Booker was a Hall of Famer, but what he did both on offense and defense versus the Clippers was astounding.

–How much are Kings fans going to be wondering about Harrison Barnes’ missed three in San Francisco on Sunday? If he hits that, Sac-Town goes up 3-1. Now they trail 3-2 and are headed back to Chase Center.

–The Suns have won five consecutive playoff series…when the opponent’s best or second-best player is out with injury. Can Jokic or Murray be hurt in the next 48 hours? The winner of this series is my favorite to win it all.

— A second-round series between LA and Golden State would, and should, break existence TV ratings records for a non-Finals matchup.

— Had to laugh when Deandre Ayton referred to himself as “Domin-Ayton.” Ninety percent of Monty Williams’ salary goes to managing that curious fellow.

–Damontas Sabonis will never be as good as his dad, but he’s better than I thought he’d be.

–On any other team without the best backcourt in NBA history, Jordan Poole is a star. His one-on-one moves, at this point in his career, are virtually unstoppable. I think he’s a more potent offensive weapon than Ja Morant.

–Something is off with the Celtics. I like either Philly or Miami to emerge from the East, and I think the NBA Finals would be more entertaining with either of those two squads.

–Giannis. The Question. Failure. Fair question, thoughtful answer. Any question that evokes such a viral response means the reporter was doing his job and then some.

Carol Turns 90

We were so spoiled on Saturday nights in the early to mid-Seventies. Saturday night’s lineup on CBS: All In The Family, The Jeffersons, Mary Tyler Moore, Bob Newhart, Carol Burnett. Shows 1, 3 and 5 on that list belong on anyone’s and everyone’s list of Top 10 TV shows.

Carol Burnett turned 90 yesterday. As a young comedic actress she was a huge fan of Lucille Ball and how fitting that the two redheads are the most naturally funny comediennes in the history of television.

Every Saturday night you’d tune in and just sop up Burnett’s opening, where she took the stage, talked to the audience and fielded a few questions. Then there were the sketches, some of the funniest ever written for television. The recurring characters, from Miss Sue Higgins to Eunice, were simply gold. Or, if you’ve never seen their take-off on a certain film classic, titled “Went With The Wind,” find it on YouTube.

Happy Birthday, Carol. We’re so glad we’ve had this time together. And so glad it’s not yet time to say, “So long.” We’re sending an ear tug your way.

Dollar Quiz

1. What is the world’s northern-most city with a population greater than 1 million people?
2. What president had the middle name “Birchard?”
3. James Dean appeared in three films. Which one eerily forecasts his own death (it was released one month after he died)?
4. How many stitches on a baseball (will accept single- or double-stitch number)?
5. Name one band that appeared at Coachella earlier this month (I cannot, off-hand).

by John Walters

Quiz Answers: 1) Cabaret 2) True 3) Six innings AND fewer than three earned runs 4) Four (all but Staten Island) 5) Ireland and Iceland

I see the face of God doing a nose dive

Find Your Way Back

When we heard that Elon Musk’s SpaceX rocket was named Starship, and then we saw its launch this morning (“rapid unscheduled disassembly,” they’re calling it), the musical possibilities overwhelmed our own memory storage. Knee Deep In The Hoopla? “And I carry a heavy load?” No Way Out?

Anyway, it’s been quite a 4/20 already for Elon Musk, who may already have lit up a major spliff. Twitter is scheduled to take away verified blue checks to those unwilling to pony up $8 a month for them; TSLA shares are down 7% after yesterday’s after hours quarterly earnings report, and now this.

Is this any way to celebrate Adolf Hitler’s birthday?

There Really Is No ‘There’ There

The novelist Gertrude Stein is known mostly for two quotes: 1) “A rose is a rose is a rose” and 2) “There is no ‘there’ there,” the latter a reference to her hometown of Oakland.

Gertrude really had a way with words, no?

Some quick Spark Notes on Gerty: she attended Radcliffe (then an annex of all-male Harvard) and later, though she had no interest in medicine, Johns Hopkins Medical School (all of this in the late 1800s). She flunked out in her fourth year, opting to take long walks and attend the opera instead of studying. She then moved to Paris and hosted the Paris salon (she had family money) where young artists such as Picasso, Hemingway and Fitzgerald hung out. She lived out the rest of her days in Paris. During World War II, as a German Jew, she got by by being at least a Nazi sympathizer, if not collaborator.

Anyway, it’s that latter quote that intrigues us this morning as the city of Oakland prepares to lose the last of its three pro sports teams: the A’s have announced they’re moving to Las Vegas.

Ten years ago Oakland had three pro sports teams and Las Vegas had zero. Soon Oakland will have zero (and it’ll be better for it, trust me) while Vegas will have four–the Knights, the Aces, the Raiders and now the A’s—and before long, five, when an NBA franchise either relocates there or there’s an expansion franchise.

Fifty years ago the A’s were in the midst of winning three straight World Series (a feat that has only been emulated once, by the 1998-2000 Yankees, since). Also, the A’s were the only franchise to have an Oscar-nominated film made about them, Moneyball. They’ll be gone, but not forgotten.

Dollar Quiz

1. What Titan (Greek, not Tennessee) was punished by having an eagle peck at his liver daily while he was chained to a rock?
2. Put in order, from oldest to youngest, these three nations as independent nations: Germany, Mexico, USA.
3. Name a president who is also a cartoon character.
4. Who was the No. 1 overall pick in the 2022 NFL draft?
5. Who is the current NBA leader in career games played?

by John Walters

That’s So Ray’vin

Yesterday the Tampa Bay Rays improved their record to 11-0 in front of fewer than 13,000 fans at Tropicana Field. By comparison, the New York Yankees averaged 40,000-plus fans per game last year.

So part of this story is Tampa Bay’s historic start to the 2023 season: the Rays are two wins away from tying the MLB record of 13, shared by the 1982 Braves and the 1987 Brewers. Skeptics will note that Tampa Bay have played no one but bottom-dwellers thus far (Washington, Oakland Detroit and Boston, all of whom are currently in last place in their respective divisions. Nevertheless, the Rays have six dudes hitting above .300 (though, oddly again, no one in top 30)

The other half of this story is that Tampa Bay will play its 9th home game today (versus Boston) and they’re averaging just over 16,000 fans per game. That ranks 27th out of 30 teams. Part of it is the stadium, being both indoors and located far across the bay from the major city of Tampa (it’s in Saint Petersburg). Part of it may simply be the fan base. The Rays, after all, have been good for awhile now.

Would/should the Rays consider moving? We could see Nashville or Memphis, or our perennial favorite expansion city, Billings, embracing this club. Even Albuquerque. No matter where they end up, since they’d no longer be the Tampa Bay Rays, they should call themselves… wait for it… the Ex-Rays.

“Play (Basket) Ball!”

After the longest preseason—82 games— the NBA’s real season began last night with two play-in games. Though, as Charles Barkley aptly noted on TNT, because the NBA refuses to include play-in game stats as postseason stats while also refusing to include them as regular season stats, maybe these two contests never took place.

Last Sunday the Mavericks rested Luke Doncic, while only playing him 12 minutes in the team’s penultimate game, as a way to ensure that Dallas would miss the play-in and retain at Top 10 draft pick. Hey, Dallas was going nowhere this month, even if it did make the conference finals a year ago, so you could understand the strategy. Even if you do find quitting distasteful.

What I found funny is that the NBA was investigating whether Mark Cuban & Co. were making “a mockery” of the play-in tournament. You cannot make a mockery of a mockery (unless you hire James Austin Johnson to impersonate it). The NBA spends 6 months playing 82 games per team all to eliminate 1/3 of its franchises. It’s a colossal waste of time and all the teams and players know it.

It’s cute to see a team like Sacramento (or, last year, Phoenix) that has had so little NBA Finals success race to a top finish in the regular season. But the real ones know that it’s better to finish 6th and be rested and healthy. So you have to steal a game on the road. A team such as Golden State can do that in their sleep.

By the way, I was listening to ESPN hoops analyst Chiney Ogwumike (a former No. 1 overall WNBA draft pick) yesterday talk about the NBA and she referred to the Warrior players as “the original O.G.s” which is rather redundant.

Fast Car

In the wake of the latest school shooting (Nashville) or in preparation for the next one (remember, April is when all the wackos come out, from David Koresh to Columbine, etc.), allow me to propose an analogy:

You live on a street like the one on which I grew up in Middletown, New Jersey. It’s a suburban neighborhood where kids are always outside playing, often in the street. These kids have parents who have enough sense to keep an eye on the little ones. As for the older ones, say above the age of 9 or 10, they know enough to yell “Car!” when a vehicle approaches so that the kids can clear the road and remain out of harm’s way.

Embedded in this culture is a dual compromise. The kids clear the street when a car approaches while a driver is decent enough to not speed on a road where he or she knows kids are playing. Now, let’s say there’s a driver who decides to gun it (no pun intended), maybe he’s listening to an early Springsteen song, and he races down my street at 75 mph. And maybe he kills a kid or two.

The parents would be outraged. The driver might be jailed for manslaughter. If the parents went to the local officials and said, “You need to put up a speed limit sign,” would the officials say, “There’s nothing we can do about it.?”

Let’s say there already was a speed limit sign up. The driver ignored it. Let’s say five more drivers, 10 more drivers ignore that sign, each time taking out a kid or two. At what point, as a parent, do you take matters in your own hands either by 1) never letting your children play in the street again or 2) acting as a sort of vigilante group against any driver who comes onto your street speeding recklessly?

Regardless, what would you do if your local city government refused to put up a single speed limit sign, simply saying, “There’s nothing we can do. People can still get their hands on cars. They will still speed.”

This is hardly the first argument to demonstrate the hypocrisy of 2nd Amendment truthers or our current gun laws. The kids clearing the street to allow a car to pass is every sensible American’s understanding that, within reason, you have the right to own a gun. The car speeding along without any regard to the children’s safety is the gun lobby saying no number of innocent lives lost will induce us to budge from our hard-line stance.

There’s a difference between playing on a freeway and playing on a neighborhood street. Sensible people understand that. Hard-liners for the 2nd Amendment refuse to do so.

Boston Market

Two unrelated Boston items:

1. Yesterday, or maybe two days ago—earlier this week—the Indiana Fever selected Aliyah Boston of South Carolina as the No. 1 overall pick in the WNBA draft. The 6’5″ Boston was born and raised on St. Thomas in the U.S. Virgin Islands. She will not be the last first overall pro basketball pick this year. Boston actually has history with the Boston area, as she moved from the Caribbean to improve her game at Worcester Academy as a teen. But, as you know, Boston itself has no WNBA team. The closest one is near the Conn/Rhode Island border at the Mohegan Sun casino.
2. Last night (definitely) the Boston Bruins beat the Washington Capitals 5-2 to improve to 64-12-5. The Bruins now own the NHL record for most wins in a season (64) and most points (133) with, one game remaining.
   A reminder that the 2001 Seattle Mariners (116 wins), 2016 Warriors (73 wins) and 2007 Patriots (17 wins) all set single-season wins marks in, respectively, the MLB, NBA and NFL. All failed to win championships in those seasons.

DOLLAR QUIZ

1. What film won the most Oscars without winning Best Picture?
2. True-False: area-wise, the U.S.A., Canada and China would all fit inside of Africa.
3. What defines a ‘quality start’ for an MLB pitcher (two qualifiers)?
4. In how many of New York City’s five boroughs has Notre Dame football played a game?
5. Name two countries that 1) are longer than four letters and 2) are within one letter of being the same word.

by John Walters

Yesterday’s answers: 1) North 2) Denny McClain 3) Dizzy Dean 4) Michigan and Virginia 5) We can take Minneapolis, San Diego/Buffalo, Philadelphia, Kansas City-Omaha, Cincinnati

Summer Of Louvre

Thankfully, you have me (and I have SportsBrain) to keep us apprised of budding Olympic superstars about whom we should know. And will be hearing plenty about soon. To wit (or is “To whit?” Nope, it’s the former), 16 year-old Canadian swimming sensation Summer McIntosh.

Two summers ago in Japan, McIntosh was the youngest member of Canada’s Olympic team and achieved a fourth-place finish in the 400-meter freestyle. Since then the Toronto native, whose mom swam for Canada at the Olympics, has become the youngest world champion in more than a decade. In the past fortnight McIntosh has set two world records, both in popular events: 400 free and 400 IM.

McIntosh should compete directly against America’s reigning Summer Olympics queen, Katie Ledecky, next summer in Paris. She’ll still be only 17 (will turn 18 one week after Games conclude). Last month in Florida McIntosh became the first person to beat Ledecky in a race on U.S. soil in nearly a decade. This will be THE rivalry of the Paris Olympics. And NBC couldn’t be more excited.

(yes, McIntosh is only 17… the promotion of her beauty will be very carefully managed as a way of attracting TV audiences while not at the same time attracting producers from NBC’s own “To Catch A Predator.”)

Walkabout*

*The judges realize that’s typically ascribed to Australia, not New Zealand.

Don’t know how (blame it on algorithms or ChatGPT, which we do not at all understand) this dude showed up on my Instagram feed (I don’t do TikTok, but this is pretty much the same, no?), but someone with the name “Cambostock” is hiking the length of New Zealand. Apparently there’s a country-length, north-to-south walking trail known as the Te Araroa that stretches roughly 1,800 miles.

Curious fact, as I looked into it: New Zealand is dreadfully bereft of land-based wildlife. You’re not gonna have to worry about any bears or leopard/cougar types stalking you. They don’t even have any kangaroos. The kiwi itself is just an ugly bird. So enjoy the scenery, but the wildlife is a bit wanting.

Currently our solitary hero, who checks in daily and provides about a minute-length video each time, is on Day 29. If you’ve never been to New Zealand and want to see more of it than just what the Lord Of The Rings trilogy provided, I recommend a follow. Thus far, no sign of Smiegel (alas).

Where Are We Headed?

If you have Netflix, I highly recommend the 2007 film Charlie Wilson’s War, which was just added. The movie was not even nominated for Best Picture that year (arguably the strongest year, after 2015, of this century with No Country For Old Men beating out There Will Be Blood and Michael Clayton for BP) even with a murderer’s row of talent: director Mike Nichols (his final film), writer Aaron Sorkin, and a cast that includes Tom Hanks, Julia Roberts, Amy Adams and Philip Seymour Hoffman (who was nominated for BSA, but did not win).

Anyway, early in the film Hanks’ titular Texas congressman meets with a constituent/donor who is upset about the ACLU filing suit against a nativity scene being put up at a fire station. He reminds Wilson that “this is a Christian country,” etc. So this is a film made 16 years ago, depicting a time 25 years earlier, and the sentiments that exist now existed then.

No surprise.

What is worth noting is how much bolder the constituents and pols in certain states (I believe they’re known as “red”) have become about returning this country to what I refer to as “Puri-tyrannical times.”

The abortion debate is well-known, but is that not providing cover for more insane legislation such as banning books (we’re banning books in the 21st century?!?) and now, in one state, defunding libraries?

And while I would not claim that the general public is fine with this, it feels as if there should be a greater uproar. There’s one political party in this country that is actively engaged in keeping people ignorant, in not allowing them to be exposed to ideas (except those in the Bible, which let’s face it, they can quote but they don’t actually read for context), and in making our laws concerning rape and abortion more similar to those in countries such as Saudi Arabia and Afghanistan.

I don’t want to leap into an abortion debate, but honestly, if there is someone reading this who is not appalled by the idea of banning books or defunding libraries, I’d love to hear your arguments in favor.

At the end of Charlie Wilson’s War, after the U.S. and Saudi Arabia have spent $1 billion in a covert war in Afghanistan to repel Russian advances and succeeded, Wilson meets with the same pols who rubber-stamped all that military spending and asks for $1 million to fund a school in Afghanistan. That’s 1/1,000th of what they’ve spent on weapons. His request is denied.

The film draws a subtle, but not indirect, line between our squandered opportunity to educate young Afghan men and the 9/11 attacks. That may be a little too clean an explanation. But there is just a little truth to it, no? Ignorance breeds holy warriors. On either side of the Atlantic.

Dollar Quiz

1. Twice in Oscar history two people have won an Oscar for portraying the same character. Name at least one time (the character and the two people).
2. Who is baseball’s all-time hits leader among players not born in the United States?
3. What state is ranked 49th in population density (least dense)?
4. What were the most popular early bicycles called (two words)?
5. Baking soda has one ingredient. What is it?

by John Walters

Jerk Store*

*The judges will not accept “Angel With Dirty Faces” because that’s racist!

Two headlines related to The Incident that I came across this morning:

1. “Only Racists And Squares Have A Problem With Angel Reese’s Antics” from Buzzfeed
2. “Angel Reese Trashing Caitlin Clark Was Weeks In The Making” from Newsweek*

*The hed is inaccurate, and the story never corroborates this assertion. More crappy work from the post-James Impoco/Bob Roe era of Newsweek.

My two nickels: One, that first hed is absolute trash and everything that is wrong with Wokeness and very similar to what I experienced last spring in the classroom. If you dare to disagree with us, it’s not about the validity of your argument; it’s that you’re a racist or a GOML’er. That shuts down meaningful conversation and debate immediately.

Two, Angel Reese has the power to behave any way she damn well pleases. And, similarly, you and I have the power to react to her, or anyone’s, behavior, any way we damn well please. I never saw Caitlin Clark’s initial use of the gesture versus Louisville and I’m not fully aware of the back-and-forth that may have gone on between Clark, who by the way became the first female player to put together two 40-point games in one tourney, and her Cardinals counterpart Hailey Van Lith. Regardless, it had nothing to do with Reese.

Three, if a player from UConn had done this to a player from San Diego State immediately after Monday’s final, a similar double-digit win in a championship game, fists are flying. Let’s not pretend that wouldn’t have happened.

Four, and most importantly to me, it all seemed so contrived. Am I offended as a sports fan? No, I’m offended as a comedian. It reminded me of Costanza’s “Jerk Store” comment, in which he was dissed on the fly, then waited weeks in order to exact verbal revenge. But his retort, as it happened, was stale and not witty and then the object of his wrath once again provided the wittier comeback (“You’re their biggest seller”).

Reese manufactured animus between herself and Clark that did not authentically exist, other than the fact that they are two of the best players in their sport. She retaliated against Clark for a gesture that Clark had not used against her. It was more of a stunt than a moment of genuine catharsis. And, at least for me, that phoniness is why I was turned off by it. Because it was never about Reese releasing some emotion at a player who had dissed her first. It was all about Reese calling attention to herself.

Trash talk is part of the game, they say. Fine. Let it be. But when it’s calculated, then it’s not, at least to me, entertaining. It’s childish and immature.

Finally, let’s be real here. Half the reason most of the people in the media who are defending Reese are defending her is because the black girl smacked a Karen. If the Karen had smacked a black girl, these takes, I suspect, would be 180 degrees opposite. No one would be defending Caitlin Clark for rubbing it in Reese’s face. They’d be saying that her behavior marred an otherwise brilliant performance.

Postscripts: 1) Yes, Jill Biden’s gesture toward Iowa was dumb and poorly thought out. If the White House needs a czar of sports, there are plenty of available applicants, 2) As much as the media is trashed for supposedly not respecting Reese, they did vote her Most Outstanding Player of the Final Four.

King Leer

I’ve been on a deep dive into Shakespeare of late, and with each passing day the tale of the above fella looks more and more like one of the Bard’s trademark tragedies.*

*An aside: Finding out how much Shakespeare ripped off The Lion King in order to create Hamlet has been somewhat disappointing. If I were Elton John, I’d be furious.

Paying a porn star hush money so that the story of their tryst would not derail his presidential campaign was 1) ineffective, obviously (i.e. never has someone so not gotten their money’s worth in paying someone to remain silent) and 2) pretty much the least of 45’s crimes against humanity. As we will continue to see.

If you know the story of King Lear, he is a king who retires and then goes insane and paranoid after leaving his kingdom to his children. That’s far from an apt comparison to The Donald, who has always been a little mad. In fact, almost all of Shakespeare’s tragic figures (Lear, Macbeth, Julius Caesar) at least had a redeeming quality or two. Not so with Trump. He was, is and will continue to be, as long as he breathes, an amoral (not immoral) person and an incorrigible pu**y hunter, self-confessed, whose only goals in life are to satisfy his appetites: lust, greed and power. That’s it.

I doubt that Mr. Trump has ever truly loved anyone or anything other than himself. You know that scene in Good Will Hunting where Sean lays that smackdown on young Will, telling him the same thing? The difference is that Will was just a brash kid, that he was on cusp of evolving. Mr. Trump is 76 years old. He hasn’t learned, has no interest in learning, and he never will. This is one human who could really use a pet, dog or cat.

And I’ll remind you that Mr. Trump was at a fundraiser in the Hamptons, with plenty of powerful NY-based GOP donors, on the summer evening when Jeffrey Epstein (ahem) hung himself (cough, cough) in his jail cell (though for some reason Epstein screamed beforehand, as so many suicidal people do before hanging themselves) in Manhattan. That’s how far Mr. Trump will go to protect himself.

I’m reminded of another quote from Shakespeare, from another tragedy based upon another power-hungry autocrat bent on turning a republic into a dictatorship: The evil that men do lives after them.

Dollar Quiz

1. In which general direction does the White House face (front doors face)?
2. Who was the last 30-game winner in baseball?
3. Who was the previous last 30-game winner before him (hint: alliterative name)?
4. What two states have a significant chunk of land connected not to rest of state but rather to another state (separated from same state by water)?
5. There are four NBA franchises in California. Name their four origin or at least previous cities.