IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 3 Comments

by John Walters

Tweet Me Right

Finding it odd that I spotted this on Twitter and not YouTube.

Starting Five

Mr. Schiff Goes To Washington

The Democrats don’t stand much of a chance of winning this Senate impeachment trial, but thanks to forthright representatives such as Adam Schiff, they do stand a decent chance of exposing the Republicans in both the Senate and the White House for the corrupt individuals they are. In the wee hours of the morning Mr. Schiff proposed an amendment whereby Chief Justice of the Supreme Court John Roberts, who is presiding over the Senate trial and who himself was appointed to the bench by a Republican president (Bush II), would have the final say over whether or not a proposed witness is relevant and would be heard from. The Republicans struck even that measure down.

Tells you all that you need to know.

That what is taking place right now in this same chamber mirrors so closely what happened in a film that came out 81 years ago is sad. But it’s true.

The Worst And The Whitest

Read this tweet to compare what’s going down right now with what went down during then President Bill Clinton’s impeachment trial. And remember, the “crime” Clinton committed was lying about having oral sex in the Oval Office with a member of his staff (yes, Beavis, I wrote both “member” and “staff”).

Here’s an easy analogy to explain how the White House and its lawyers are behaving: Say they’re the school yard bully holding your glasses high above your head and demanding you read a note. And you’ve told them you want to read the note and will do so if you can just have your glasses back. And they say, “If you can read the note, why do you need your glasses?” And this keeps going round and round.

That’s what’s happening in our “venerable” Senate right now. Please note: I was never the bully or the bespectacled kid. I was probably eating a sloppy joe.

The Kid’s In The Hall

Twenty seasons. Five World Series rings. Sixth all-time in base hits and most games played by a Yankee. Derek Jeter (“Number 2, Derek Jeter”) came up one vote shy of being the second player ever elected unanimously (teammate Mariano Rivera is the only one) to the Baseball Hall of Fame. So now No. 2 is No. 2 all-time in terms of percentage of voters who put them on their ballot (99.7%). We don’t yet know who the outlier was but you might guess he lives in New England.

A few years back I wrote an appreciation of Jeter in Newsweek, comparing him to Jerry Seinfeld.

Uh, Larry Walker was also elected, just barely, eh.

“The Cincinnati Bengals Are On The Dock”

At some point in the 1990s at Sports Illustrated our beloved writer Jack McCallum (that dude who managed to get along with EVERYONE) was put in charge of Scorecard, and I’m pretty sure it was he who came up with the weekly segment “This Week’s Sign That The Apocalypse Is Upon Us.” The “Apocalypse” note was a way of winking at the absurdity of American sports, or our values, without sounding like a shrew week in and week out.

A brilliant idea. The world’s going down in flames. You can either get mad about it each week or you can go Kurt Vonnegut. So it goes…

So here’s the NFL, earnestly informing us that the 2020 NFL Draft will take place outside at the fountains in front of the Bellagio Hotel in Las Vegas. And that players picked will be whisked by boat up to the stage (P.J. Fleck has to love that). And let there be show girls. Plenty of show girls.

Every draftee should also shake the hand of Wayne Newton upon reaching the stage, no? And let’s hope next month’s NFL combine includes a swim test, or are you prepared to jump in and save Derrick Brown if his boat capsizes?

Five Films: 1999*

  1. The Matrix: Never mind the revolutionary filming techniques or the slick costumes. The story is something right out of a Ray Bradbury novel and looking back 20-plus years, unbelievably prescient. The matrix IS real, Neo. But the line I’ve also never forgotten? Man is a virus. 2. The Sixth Sense: It was a few scenes in, when Bruce Willis was talking to Haley Joel Osment’s mom in the living room, that I began to figure out the conceit. You? 3. Galaxy Quest: Tim Allen’s other space man character is more likeable than Buzz Lightyear. With an incredible supporting cast that included Tony Shalhoub, Sigourney Weaver, Sam Rockwell and Alan Rickman. By Grapthar’s hammer… 4) The Blair Witch Project: I’ve never seen it a second time, but the first time I saw it I did not fall asleep at all that night. That’s the mark of a great horror film. 5) Office Space: What makes it both funny and sad is that it’s all so accurate.

*We left out one film because the first rule of that film is that it does not exist.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 2 Comments

by John Walters

Starting Five

Gun Whites Rally

Y’all Queda.

Meal Team Six.

Ammosexuals.

Those were some of the derisive names the wave of gun rights protesters who showed up at the state capital in Virginia were being called online yesterday. On Martin Luther King Day. Something sad about seeing a mass of scared, angry middle-aged white men toting guns on a day used to commemorate a man of civil rights and peace who was mowed down by an an angry middle-aged white man with a gun.

It made me wonder: What happens if you yell “Fire!” at a crowded pro-gun rights rally.

From The Washington Post: “Marching Around With Guns On Your Chest: That’s All About Fear.”

Great Dame

In Portland, Damian Lillard erupts for a career-high 61 points as the Trail Blazers knock down the Warriors in overtime, 129-124. Lillard was 16-16 from the line and 11-20 from beyond the arc. That’s 49 of his 61 points right there.

From our count there are only 19 different players who’ve ever put up 61 or more points in an NBA game. Also by our count, 14 of those 19 did it once. Wilt Chamberlain, meanwhile, did it 29 times. He was prolific in every way.

Peace Of Mind

It’s been heartening in the past few years to see so many people come around on the band Rush. Neil Peart’s death was treated with the appropriate respect, there’s a popular doc about the band on Netflix out right now, and they were even voted into the Rock and Roll HOF seven years ago. Alex Lifeson’s “blah blah blah” speech remains one of the high points in that institution’s often stuffy history:

So as I see Jann Wenner’s list of R&R HOF nominees this year—Whitney Houston, the Notorious B.I.G., Nine Inch Nails, T. Rex, the Doobie Brothers and Depeche Mode— I think, okay, cool, a few edgy picks here. But it’s yet another year where two massive and important bands are left out:

Boston and The Go Go’s.

The cool editors at RS never liked Boston but this band made two albums (six total) whose songs are still being played on AOR today. And in the late Seventies and early Eighties these songs were everywhere. With good reason. They invited you to “turn it up” and RAWK: “More Than A Feeling,” one of the all-time rock classics (they should be inducted on this song alone the way Journey should’ve been with “Don’t Stop Believin'”), “Somethin’ About You,” “Don’t Look Back”, “Smokin’,” “Peace of Mind,” etc. No one sounded like Boston and no one does today.

They’ve sold 75 million albums worldwide. Someone out there likes them.

Then there’s the Go Go’s. Simply the best all-female rock band of all time. Name another. The Runaways? Good band, first ones there, but they never put out as many hits as the Go Go’s. And while there have been plenty of all-female groups, these are the only two that played all their instruments. Heart is in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Heart!

Now, I heart Heart, but it’s just two sisters and their catalog is at best equal to Belinda and the gals’. But one of them is married to Cameron Crowe. Maybe that’s part of it.

I’ve stanned this before and I’ll keep stanning it: Boston and the Go Go’s belong in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Wake up, gang.

Reds

Move over, Clemson (oh, they already have). The world’s most dominant football team is Liverpool of the English Premier League. Yesterday the Reds defeated Manchester United 2-0 to move to 21-1-0 (that one being a 1-1 draw against that same Man U. squad back on October 20th) on the season.

Led by top goal scorers Sadio Mane (Senegal) and Mohamed Salah (Egypt), pictured above, the Reds are the defending Champions League champs and are now aiming for the first undefeated season in Premier League since Arsenal in 2004 (the only team to have done it since the 19th century).

The Beatles will always remain, at least for us, the greatest band from Merseyside. But this Liverpool unit is beginning to draw comparisons.

Five Films: 1998

The string of strong, outstanding years ends, but there’s still an all-timer in this year’s class…

“Pay that man’s his money”
  1. Saving Private Ryan: The first 20 minutes of this film are like the most turbulent white-knuckle flight you’ve ever been on. But it holds even after that first flurry of punches. I could’ve done without the maudlin book-end flash-fowards. And the parade of TV stars (Ted Danson, Nathan Fillion, Bryan Cranston) is a little weird. Did not win Best Picture. A shame. Earn this. 2) Rounders: A film that was released about two to three years too soon, just before the Texas Hold ‘Em craze took off. It’s outstanding, even if Matt Damon is basically playing Will Hunting as a law student. Great performances by Ed Norton, John Malkovich and John Turturro all. 3) Shakespeare In Love: This won Best Picture and it’s actually quite good and clever… or at least that’s what I remember from the first and only time I saw it. 4) The Big Lebowski: Guilty. I’m the guy who likes but does not love this film. The characters are wonderful and eccentric but the story is sooooo slow. Yeah, well, that’s just, like, your opinion, man. 5) A Simple Plan: It’s No Country For Old Men in the snow, but 10 years before. A terrific overlooked flick.

Also: We’ve never seen The Truman Show. Or The Thin Red Line. Did see and liked Run, Lola, Run.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 4 Comments

by John Walters

Tweet Me Right

https://twitter.com/Redpainter1/status/1218919425040142338?s=20

I just like that Tom Brady’s kid brother is doing the news…

Starting Five

Red Tide

Chiefs. Niners. Always nice to see two franchises that existed at the time of the first Super Bowl but who’ve never met in a Super Bowl meet for the first time. In Miami. And two quarterbacks who’ve never been there arrive for their first. And yet it’s just another Bill Belichick-trained QB, Jimmy Garoppolo.

And who’s this Raheem Mostert dude that rushed for 220 yards for San Fran yesterday? Turns out he’s 27 and played at Purdue. I didn’t know him. Now I do.

Others have said it, but we’ll add: the most impactful play of the 2019 NFL season was Seahawk tight end Jacob Hollister being stopped just an inch shy of the end zone by the Niners in the last moments of the regular season. If Hollister scores the Niners are a wildcard team and have no home games. Who knows?

Past Midnight Oil

We haven’t mentioned the Australia fires because, honestly, we’re just too heartbroken about it. Some one billion animals have supposedly died, and that’s far too much suffering for innocent creatures for us to want to spend much time thinking about. We’ve been to Australia twice. It’s paradise. Or was.

I think back nearly thirty years to a band, an Australia band, that tried to warn us all and implored its listeners to prevent this tragedy. The band is Midnight Oil. The song, “Beds Are Burning.” Some lyrics:

The time has come to say fair’s fair
To pay the rent, to pay our share
The time has come, a fact’s a fact
It belongs to them, let’s give it back

Once again the artists and the scientists are right. Once again the political leaders and the plutocrats only listen to money. And they’ll only act after it’s too late. Human nature. Sad.

We do have one suggestion, however: A Bob Geldof-ian mega-concert to raise relief funds for this damaged island. Think of the lineup: AC/DC, INXS (get a fill-in for Hutchence), Midnight Oil (who should headline), Men At Work, Air Supply (don’t laugh!), Little River Band, Jet, The Vines, Silverchair, Tame Impala, even Kylie Minogue. I’m sure I’ve missed a couple; fill it out.

Little Women

This morning Twitter is ablaze over the fact that The New York Times couldn’t settle on just one woman to endorse for president, so it named two: Elizabeth Warren AND Amy Klobuchar. Even the mighty NYT, in a matter as simple as a presidential endorsement, had to have a sidepiece.

There’s also the implicit suggestion that it takes two women to equal one man. Either way, NYT, get off the fence and choose one gal (says the lifelong bachelor).

Brad To The Bone*

*The New York Post ran with “Jen Ex” and that’s way better than ours…

For some actors or actresses, awards season comes and it’s just their time. That’s the situation for Brad Pitt, who took home a Best Supporting Actor SAG/AFTA award last night (to add to his Golden Globe and soon-to-be Oscar). Pitt, who was our favorite thing about OUATIH, has been showing off quite a self-aware and self-deprecating sense of humor during these acceptance speeches.

Here he was last night: “It was a difficult part, a guy who gets high, takes his shirt off and doesn’t get on with his wife. It was a big stretch,” said Pitt, who also quipped, “I get to add this to my Tinder profile.”

Ex-wife Jennifer Aniston also won last night for her role in The Morning Show. It sure feels as if Ross and Rachel may just get back together!

Neil’s Odyssey

Two takeaways from the Netflix doc, “Beyond The Lighted Stage,” the story behind the band Rush: 1) Bassist and lead singer Geddy Lee is the son of Holocaust survivors. If things go differently in a Nazi concentration camp, we never get any of these songs (“Closer To The Heart,” “The Spirit of Radio,” “Tom Sawyer,” “Limelight”, etc). Then think that 6 million Jews were wiped out in that abomination. How many other future human contributions were squandered there? 2) When drummer Neil Peart lost both his teenage daughter (car accident) and wife (illness) in a year and a half period, the aloof and hyper-intelligent drummer took off. On his motorcycle. Across North America. And Central America. According to the doc, Peart traveled 55,000 miles on his motorcycle. That’s like going from New York to L.A. and back eleven full times. Apparently he wrote a book about the odyssey, Ghost Rider: Travels On The Healing World, which we’d now like to read.

Five Films: 1997

Each year is better, or at least as good as, the last. This is the fourth consecutive strong year in a row from this decade.

Dirk Diggler: Big role AND a big part
  1. L.A. Confiidential: “Forget it, Russell. It’s Chinatown.” The best L.A. film noir since Chinatown stars two then-unknown Aussies, Russell Crowe and Guy Pearce. Great performances by Kim Basinger and Kevin Spacey, who was in the midst of quite a run. 2) Good Will Hunting: Higher than you might think, but the story here is pretty damn perfect and the relationship between Robin Williams and then virtually-unknown (except for School Ties) Matt Damon is much more authentic than the one between Jack and Rose in another film. How do you like them apples? 3) Boogie Nights: And the Oscar for unbridled ambition goes to Paul Thomas Anderson, the director who was only 27 when this was released. The two most audaciously bold, quality films of the decade were both set in L.A. This and Pulp Fiction. 4) Titanic: Lots (and lots) of folks made sport of trashing this film at the time, but it holds up. And ever since Leo has been king of the world! 5) Austin Powers: Allow myself to introduce… myself… I didn’t think Mike Meyers could improve upon Wayne’s World, but he did. Should we shag now or shag later? Yeah, baby, yeah! Silly and just a perfect send-up of James Bond’s entire ouevre.

Aslo see: Wag The Dog, Jackie Brown, Life Is Beautiful (it hurt not to include this last one).

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 7 Comments

by John Walters

Tweet Me Right

Starting Five

The Mendoza Line

I dunno what ESPN’s Jessica Mendoza, a fixture on their Sunday Night Baseball telecasts who also happens to be a paid consultant for the New York Mets, was thinking here. She’s essentially saying that cheating is not okay, but snitching is worse.

Then she goes on to “Men’splain” her comments on Twitter, which doesn’t help:

What did Mendoza think was going to happen if Fiers went to the Astros or MLB first (for all we know, he did)? Has she been paying zero attention to what’s going on in this country the past six months? In the immortal words of Geno Auriemma, “What a dope!”

ESPN should dismiss Mendoza, like, immediately. She wants to work in the shadows, go for it. Keep your job with the Mets. Don’t talk to us about baseball, though. Our guess is that the WWL gives her the Groundhog Day treatment and has her disappear for six weeks because she saw her shadow.

Carlos Danger

Meanwhile, the Mets tossed newly hired manager Carlos Beltran onto the George O’Leary Memorial Garbage Heap of History by canning him (“mutually agreed to part ways”) for his part as a player in the Astros cheating scandal. There’s nothing more Mess than baseball having a scandal, in another league, and it somehow affecting the Mess. Remember when Anthony Weiner was Queens’ most notorious Carlos?

Jose, Can You Cheat/By The Dawn’s...

That’s Jose Altuve after he hit a series-ending walk-off home run against the New York Yankees in the ALCS last October. Altuve, the 2017 American League MVP and SI Sportsperson of the Year that year along with J.J. Watt, would be named MVP of the ALCS.

Here’s the problem, though, as the photo above suggests: he was wearing a buzzer under his jersey that would tip him off about pitches. In this photo he’s warning his teammates to not pull off his jersey in celebration. According to people who were there, Altuve was yelling some form of “Don’t rip off my jersey!” to teammates as he rounded third. Watch him go into a rope-a-dope cover up as he approaches home plate.

Two people, one of them Carlos Beltran’s niece, alleges that Altuve was wearing a buzzer beneath his jersey during this game. If Altuve is not suspended, he may become the most-beaned player in baseball next season. And he’ll deserve it.

At the time, The Athletic’s and Fox’s Ken Rosenthal asked Altuve about his telling teammates not to tear off his jersey. You can watch the clip here.

Now I don’t know if Altuve is telling the truth or not, but I will point out that he asks Rosenthal to repeat the question. Kind of the way Bill Barr asked Kamala Harris to repeat the question at his hearing when asked if he had ever been asked by the president or anyone at the White House to investigate someone. At times a liar needs a few seconds to process an adequate response, which is where “Can you repeat the question?” comes in.

Laura The Explorer

We don’t know exactly when Fox News’ Laura Ingraham began drinking the Rachel Maddow Kool-Aid, but twice in the past week she’s pushed back on elected Republican officials to be more accountable. On air. To their faces. What a time to be alive!

First, Ingraham scored an interview with No. 1, a.k.a. President Trump, and asked him to name more specifically the nature of the “imminent” threats that in his mind made it acceptable to assassinate General Soleimani. That question prompted the famous “four embassies” response.

Then, last night on her show, after Arizona stand-in senator Martha McSally made news (and campaign donation hay) by calling a CNN newsman a “liberal hack” for a perfectly valid question, Ingraham had McSally on her show—and asked the very same question. And when McSally attempted to deflect, she wouldn’t back down. Chris Wallace. Shepherd Smith. Now, Laura Ingraham. Soon Donald’s only friends at Fox will be Fox & Friends (and Sean, of course).

Five Films: 1996

Two thoughts: 1) Was there ever a year with so many deserving films in which such an undeserving one won Best Picture (probably, but this year may be the best example with The English Patient winning). 2) This is the third consecutive year with a deep lineup of films and we haven’t even gotten to Titanic or Saving Private Ryan yet. Were the 1990s the best film decade since the 1940s?

  1. Fargo: The brilliance of the Coen brothers was never on better display 2. Jerry Maguire: Tom Cruise in his best role since he was Joel Goodson , with Cuba Gooding, Jr., and Renee Zellweger stealing the show. More Cameron Crowe brilliance. Cruise still does not have an Oscar. 3. Trainspotting: If a movie could be arrested for delinquency, this one would be. What a rush. 4. Swingers: I remember going to see this at a now-defunct theater on Broadway at 4:30 on a weekday afternoon and the only other people inside were dudes, mostly sitting by themselves. You’re so money and you don’t even know it. 5. Primal Fear: Edward Norton is tremendous in his first major role. He transcends what could have been just another slick ’90s (see: Presumed Innocent… or don’t see it) crime procedural drama.

Worthy, but not in our Top 5: Sling Blade, Kingpin (saw this on a plane, with the headphones on, and was laughing so much that people in other rows turned back to give me the stink eye…or maybe I had gas…. not sure), Beautiful Girls, Big Night, Shine.

Also, a leftover from yesterday’s list, 1995: While You Were Sleeping.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 2 Comments

by John Walters

Starting Five

When The Lev P. Breaks

The star witness of President Trump’s impeachment trial (unless Rudy Giuliani cracks), Lev Parnas, sits down for an interview with Rachel Maddow of MSNBC (part 2 of the interview airs tonight). Without rehashing it here, some thoughts:

–Let’s introduce a new term for the blossary (blog glossary): “implausible deniability.” You know how many an accused suspect can assert plausible deniability, as in, yes, they’re the suspect but within reason they can deny the charges? Lev’s bombshells last night, atop all the other evidence seen so far, makes the deniability assertions of President Trump, VP Mike Pence and AG Donald Barr more and more highly implausible.

–Where would we be as a nation without the freedom of the press? Right now we’d be Russia. We really are no better except that we have a First Amendment.

–The Epstein Factor: When Lawrence O’Donnell asked Rachel Maddow, as she was handing her show off to him, WHY Parnas came out on record, her answer was succinct: “For his safety.” As Jeffrey Epstein’s death demonstrates, state secrets can die in jail cells if the right (or wrong) people get to you in time. By putting his stories out there, Parnas actually increases his chances of not being found dead in his jail cell because the motivation to silence him before he can speak vanishes. Of course, snitches get stitches, but we’ll see.

–Parnas was anything but a hostile witness. He was likable, even. And he did not speak with a thick Boris-and-Natasha accent. The fact that his lawyer never interjected also tells you how eager he was to tell his story.

— Will this matter to Moscow Mitch and the krewe? No. Sadly. They see all of this as a death struggle for the (white) soul of America, as does their base. There is no law that is inviolate, no principle too sacred, if adhering to it means the loss of power. Because then (in their warped minds) you hand the country over to those kale-eating, rainbow-shirt wearing liberals. Democracy no longer sounds like such a good idea if white values are not in the majority.

Pardon The Eruption

This is not the climactic scene from a Steven Spielberg film. This is the Taal Volcano in the Phillippines, which erupted last week.

This BBC story can explain better than I do why and how the volcanic eruption actually creates the lightning, i.e., it’s causal, not coincidental.

Bikini Eclipse

Continuing with the “Natural Phenomena Stories We Didn’t Get To Last Week,” this lunar eclipse in the Persian Gulf led some souls to consider it a sign that evil has taken over the planet, as they say devil horns.

We didn’t see it that way. We saw it as a giant neon pink bikini, which means that the SI/Maven Swimsuit issue cannot be that far off, now can it?

Where In The World?

Earlier this week I asked my high school friends on a group text, “Where’s the best place in the world you ever visited?” I didn’t ask my college friends, because they all would have answered, “South Dining Hall.”

Anyway, my good friend Oz has gone scuba diving here. Do you know where this is? Answer at the bottom of today’s column.

Related: It’s awe-inspiring what nature does when man stays the **** out of the way.

Five Films: 1995

Lollapalooza II or the year’s best film? You decide.
  1. Waterworld: Kev–just kidding. 1) Braveheart: “Freedommmmmmmmm!!!!” Didn’t see this until a year after it had come out, and I’ve only seen it five to ten times since. Mel Gibson not only made an outstanding film, but revolutionized the way war scenes are shot. It feels as if prima nocie is the ultimate goal of the current presidential administration 2) The American President: There’s that Rob Reiner guy again, directing a wonderful little romantic comedy set inside the White House. If this feels a little like The West Wing, that’s because they’re both written by Aaron Sorkin. The first two movies on this list are often on TV and I often stop everything to watch them. 3) Toy Story: Woody and Buzz Lightyear in a fable that anyone who’s ever been a child can relate to. The grosses on this franchise? To infinity and beyond! 4) Nobody’s Fool: My friend Mark Beech introduced this film at the first annual Johndance Film Festival and I flat-out fell in love with it. Paul Newman, Melanie Griffith, Bruce Willis and an ensemble cast in a wintry setting in a small town in upstate New York. Newman’s at his very best here. See it if you haven’t already. 5) Se7en: An easy elevator-pitch conceit turns into a compelling film with a head-turning twist at the end. A good friend once pointed out, for the next time you watch, to note how much care director David Fincher takes in pointing out how radically different Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman work, from a procedural standpoint. What an unbelievable year for Kevin Spacey, who had both this and The Usual Suspects.

This was a stronger year than I remembered. Besides the above you had Clueless, Tommy Boy, While You Were Sleeping, Casino, Heat, Mr. Holland’s Opus and Apollo 13. Wow. And it really does pain me to not put Tommy Boy on this list.

****

Answer: Rock Islands, Palau, western Pacific Ocean