by John Walters

Tweet Me Right

insane footage of a bar going wild for Cris Collinsworth Sunday night slide-in pic.twitter.com/B8uIlieM4L

— Quigs (@BigSeanQ) December 10, 2018

We have a second nominee this morning:

“Democrats can’t find a Smocking Gun tying the Trump campaign to Russia after James Comey’s testimony. No Smocking Gun…No Collusion.” @FoxNews That’s because there was NO COLLUSION. So now the Dems go to a simple private transaction, wrongly call it a campaign contribution,…

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) December 10, 2018

Twice! Twice with the “smocking.” He really is illiterate, isn’t he?

Starting Five

Drake Quake*

*Props to tweep @YahooSchwab who came up with “Drake Relay”

Rule No. 69: Never have Rob Gronkowski play safety if the feared Hail Mary pass cannot make it to the end zone. The Dolphins defeat the Patriots on a last-second 69-yard touchdown play that features two laterals, ending up in the capable arms and legs of Kenyan Drake for the final 50 yards or so.

The hook and ladder – a play that only worked in sports movies and Friday Night Lights until December 9, 2018, when it suddenly became the most unstoppable play in the NFL.

— Bill Simmons (@BillSimmons) December 10, 2018

First of all, Bill, it’s the “hook and lateral.” Second, it’s worked in big moments at least twice before, most famously in A) the 2007 Fiesta Bowl on a play that sent the game into overtime…

…and also in the 1982 AFC divisional playoffs, an overtime game between the San Diego Chargers and Miami Dolphins in the Orange Bowl that many of us consider the best NFL playoff game we’ve ever seen. That’s Don Criqui on the call.

True story on that Fiesta Bowl: I was there, it was my third bowl game in as many nights. The first was the 2006 Insight Bowl from Sun Devil Stadium on December 30th, when Texas Tech overcame a 31-point second-half deficit to beat Minnesota and oust Glen Mason from his job (when Minnesota pushed the lead to 38-7 midway through the 3rd, more of us in the press box were consumed with footage just released of Saddam Hussein being hanged). The next night was the Humanitarian Bowl in Boise, played in 19-degree weather (some of us were issued blankets if our “press box seat” was located out doors, which mine was). Then this game the next night in Glendale. What a time to be alive! 

2. The MeTua Movement

You kind of knew Tua Tagovailoa wasn’t winning when the rep from the Heisman Trust, Vasili Krishnamurti, couldn’t even properly pronounce his name. It’s weird because for at least two-thirds of the season, it felt as if Tua’s name was already etched on the 2018 Heisman Trophy. What happened?

1. The SEC Championship Game, in which Tua performed poorly. Go back to Alabama’s first offensive drive. If Tua hits Henry Ruggs on the slant-in pattern on 1st-and-goal from the 6, the Tide takes a 7-0 lead and, more importantly, he doesn’t get sacked on the following play and suffer the high ankle sprain that hindered him the rest of the game. Tua is renowned for his accuracy and this was one play where his pass was just a footstep behind, and it probably cost him more than we all realized in the moment.
2. Nobody—outside of Alabama—watched Alabama games. They were all over after the first quarter. Boring. By contrast, Kyler took part in a number of thrilling games (both Texas tussles, Bedlam, WVU and even Army) that kept viewers glued.
3. Tua’s mark of excellence is his precision; Kyler’s is his dual-threat skills. A wild scramble in OU’s season opener, plus long TD runs in the Red River Shootout and at West Virginia had that backyard football game aspect to it that make for oft-replayed highlights.
4. Kylar simply had better numbers in two more all-important stats: Yards Per Attempt and QB Rating, in which he led the country in both. That mattered.
5. Bama Fatigue. We know who won the Heisman last year, but there’s just too much Bama all the time for too many of us. And Tua would’ve made Nick Saban’s third in a decade. It may be just us, but we really don’t believe the “Kyler Knows” campaign, borrowing from a 30-ish year-old Bo Jackson Nike campaign, made much of a difference. But that may be our bad for giving voters more credit than they deserve.

3. How ’bout Them Raiders!

Amari Cooper, who only a month or so earlier was an Oakland Raider, catches three touchdown passes after the start of the fourth quarter as the Cowboys outlast the Eagles in overtime, 29-23.

Had the defending Super Bowl champs won, they’d be tied with Dallas atop the division at a middling 7-6. Instead, the Cowboys are 8-5 and Philly dips to 6-7 and has to win its final three to even have a chance to make the playoffs.

Philly rookie tight end Dallas Goedert, a former walk-on at South Dakota State, had one fourth-quarter TD catch and it should have been two. His growed-up-man 75-yard TD grab was called back for the most pussy-footed OPI you’ll ever seen. On the next play a Cowboy lineman was flagged for tackling Eagle QB Carson Wentz around the feet, even though the Dallas lineman was already laying on the ground when he made the tackle.

I really do hate this league.

4. Go Now

This morning’s Washington Post puts together a comprehensive trail of White House exoduses, beginning with Attorney General Sally Yates on January 30, 2017 and ending with the most recent, Chief of Staff John Kelly as of Friday.

If you’re scoring at home, approximately three dozen high-profile “all the best people” types have either resigned or been fired since Trump took office 22 months ago. What have we learned? If Kellyanne Conway ever appears on a season of Survivor, do NOT bet against her.

5. The King Of The North!

South Dakota State is the Southern most #FCSPlayoffs Semifinalist. #KingInTheNorth pic.twitter.com/h6PbdWEGKa

— RedditCFB (@RedditCFB) December 9, 2018

If FBS is all about SEC and Clemson hegemony, then FCS is all about Nordic conquest. The campuses of all four schools in this month’s FCS semi-finals—Eastern Washington, Maine, North Dakota State and South Dakota State—are located above 44 degrees latitude, which may not mean a lot to you until we tell you that means they’re all located north of Portland, Maine. All located north of Toronto.

Wild, right?

NDSU will host SDSU inside the FargoDome while EWU will host Maine in Cheney, just a few miles southeast of Pullman, with the game to be played on their red carpet that’ll make your eyes bleed. If you’re wondering about the Black Bears, they traveled to Weber State in northern Utah this past weekend, then returned home to Orono, then will travel all the way back to the Spokane area for Friday night’s game.

That’s more than 8,000 miles in one week. How many points is jet lag worth?

Music 101

It Ain’t Me, Babe

Bob Dylan wrote and recorded this song in 1964, but Johnny Cash and June Carter may have perfected it a year later. Three years after Cash and Carter recorded it, and countless times after they’d performed it live onstage, they married, in 1968.

Dylan wrote the song as a message to his girlfriend, Suze Rotolo, who had appeared with him on the cover of his previous album.

Remote Patrol

Vikings at Seahawks

8 p.m. ESPN

If the season ended today—and why can’t it?— these two would be the NFC wildcard representatives.