by John Walters

Down Underwhelming

Rafael Nadal, arguably the greatest men’s tennis player in history (his number of Grand Slam singles titles backs this claim up… for now) falls in straight sets to unseeded Yank MacKenzie McDonald in the second round of the Australian Open. The Spaniard, hampered by a barking hip and his age, 36, was the defending champion (Novak Djokovic was vaxxed out of the tourney the past two years). “It’s a tough moment. It’s a tough day,” the top-seeded Nadal said. “I can’t say that I am not destroyed mentally at this moment, because I would be lying.”

Nadal remains at 22 Grand Slam titles. Djokovic, the heavy favorite to win, has 21. Djokovic is 35.

Nadal is now 1-3 in matches in 2023.

MIMAL-OL

In last night’s Final Jeopardy!, the writers hit the contestants with a question that was likely a gimme for most Americans living in flyover states. Curiously—or was it predictably— all three contestants answered incorrectly. The category was ‘Geographical Mnemonics’ and the clue is here:

This may have been the easiest final Jeopardy in months https://t.co/06K6r3ppxz

— John Walters (@jdubs1966) January 18, 2023

Again, all three players missed. One was from Boston, the other from Canada (somewhat forgiveable) and I cannot recall where the returning champ was from. Two of the contestand guessed Louisiana and Alabama, while one guessed Louisiana and Mississippi. Then again, who am I to judge—I flamed out o Wordle this morning.

Now Tom Cruise Wants To Try It

I can't think of another stunt in the history of cinema that consistently freaks me out more than Gerrit Graham's backwards car dodge in Used Cars. And Gerrit isn't even a stuntman.
On Daniel Day Lewis's best day he couldn't do this without flinching. pic.twitter.com/S6vgHTzDy6

— Matt Oswalt (@MattOswaltVA) January 16, 2023

We are old enough to remember when Used Cars was filming in Mesa, Arizona (our home address at the time) in 1979 and Phoenix was still such a small town that it was a big deal that Hollywood had come here to make a movie. But the names associated with this film: Director Robert Zemeckis and executive producer Steven Spielberg (really). Starrring Kurt Russell and Jack Warden, along with roles for Michael Mckean and David Lander (Lenny and Squiggy) and Al Lewis (Grampa from The Munsters).

Raising Arizona would not be released for another seven or eight years, but THIS movie actually captured the heart of pre-big time Arizona much more authentically. May its cult status only grow larger. With scenes like the above, how can it not?

Stocks and Bombs

As we understand it, there’s one reason you invest or “trade” in stocks: to make money. So say what you will about the integrity of the CEOs or the products or the business itself, but if you can buy a stock one day and sell it at a later date for more than you paid, then you’ve done well. To that end, we note two stocks that were in the toilet less than a month ago and have rebounded nicely (note: We own less than 2 dozen shares of the former, simply to have a little skin in the game. Little more than $100 worth):

RIOT: a blockchain technology company whose business is linked to the shady netherworld of cryptocurrency.

Dec. 28, a 52-week low: $3.25

Today: $6.63

That’s a 104% increase in just 14 trading days.

TSLA: Electric vehicle company whose product doubles as a niche accessory for the wealthy and/or progressive.

Jan. 6, a 52-week low: $101

Today: $133

That’s an almost 33% increase in just 8 trading days.

Where each goes from here, I don’t know. Just pointing out that in the market it’s often darkest before the most brilliant sunrise.

Dollar Quiz

1. Which one of these songs is not on Pet Sounds: Good Vibrations, Wouldn’t It Be Nice, God Only Knows?
2. Match the country with the number of land masses it has:

A) Malaysia 1. 1

B) Singapore 2. 2

C) Indonesia 3. >17,000

3. “The fault… is not in our stars, but in ourselves.” From what Shakespearian play was this taken (Extra points if you know the sitcom that used this phrase as a mantra in one episode)?

4. Who is the NFL’s all-time leader in touchdowns scored (and it isn’t close)?

5. What was the meaning of the Montreal Expos logo?

Wild Wildcard Weekend

Most Convincing Winners of Wildcard Weekend: San Francisco…or Dallas? Hey, look who plays one another next weekend.

Greatest Fiasco, Game: San Diego choking away a 27-0 first half lead in Jacksonville.

Greatest Fiasco, Play: Baltimore’s QB sneak by Tyler Huntley from the 2 yard-line that went 98 yards in the opposite direction and proved to be the game-winning play (there were no offensive touchdowns in the fourth quarter of Ravens-Bengals). Was Huntley attempting to mimic Trevor Lawrence’s TD from the night before?

A fan screamed “F*CK YOU ROGER” Commissioner Roger Goodell responded with a fineable offense 🤯🤯🤯pic.twitter.com/ncvt6I91ow

— MLFootball (@_MLFootball) January 16, 2023

Greatest Fiasco, Play, II: The Dolphins being flagged for delay of game on fourth-and-one on what should have been, at worst, a game-tying drive in Buffalo.

Most Likely To Participate In The Next Insurrection: White Male Rage spokesman (and not spokesperson, you flaming lib) Joey Bosa.

Actually Retiring: Freddie Gaudelli

Should Retire: Al Michaels, Tony Dungy

In Theaters Soon: 80 For Brady

Should Be In Theaters: 30 For Purdy

Most Unbelievable Performance: Brett Maher, Cowboys, shanking his first four PATs. The fourth actually struck the top of the goal post, which, if you were trying to do that, would be almost impossible.

“He’s Not A Football Player! He’s A Human Being!”: Willie Gage

Next Weekend’s Winners (prediction): Cincinnati, New York, Kansas City, San Fran

Bernie Explains Social Security

.@BernieSanders gives the single best response to why Social Security should *not* be privatized that I've ever heard. pic.twitter.com/dwt4PaZsIO

— No Lie with Brian Tyler Cohen (@NoLieWithBTC) January 16, 2023

Simply put, it’s an insurance policy, not a 401-K fund.

A Woman Called Marisol

The new Tom Hanks film, A Man Called Otto, is a better film than the trailer led us to believe. It also may activate your tear ducts. The principal reason behind both assertions is actress Mariana Trevino, who plays curmudgeonly Otto’s neighbor, Mexican immigrant Marisol. Though MAGA types may spend the entire film wondering if she married her way into citizenship, that’s a waste of time. Marisol, as the translation of her name suggests, is a beam of light, representing the best values of a first-generation American (not unlike the parents or grandparents of those who now stump for Trump and have completely lost touch with the traits that their ancestors possessed upon arriving here). Marisol is wonderful; she practically steals the movie from Hanks.

There is a scene, late in the film, in which Marisol receives some news about Otto’s medical condition. When you, the audience member, hear it, you can appreciate the irony. You just wonder how Marisol will react to it. Her reaction is golden. That scene alone is worth the price of admission.

Dollar Quiz

1. What percentage of the Earth’s surface area (land and sea) does the U.S.A. make up (within 1%)?
2. Where was the last NFL Championship Game (i.e., pre-Super Bowl era) played?
3. Name at least four bands whose name includes a body part.
4. What is the name of the film that Red is watching when Andy approaches him in The Shawshank Redemption?
5. Who is the last MLB pitcher to win 23 or more games in one season?

by John Walters

Wait For It

https://twitter.com/MichaelWarbur17/status/1613588648049479698?s=20&t=tem-qLTtdPhVrmzy-zPi_Q

This joke is worth it, even if it takes a moment to adjust to this man’s accent. My favorite part is that as soon as he says, “While the government is sleeping…” you know the rest of the punchline.

Winner! Winner! No One’s Dinner

https://twitter.com/TheFigen_/status/1613576610959032320?s=20&t=tem-qLTtdPhVrmzy-zPi_Q

When this little buddy returned to the herd, his “You’re not gonna believe what just happened to me” story is gonna be good.

Why Do People Make Sports Lists On Twitter

Good Morning.

1) Tom Brady
2) Joe Montana
3) Peyton Manning
4) John Elway
5) Dan Marino
6) Aaron Rodgers
7) Patrick Mahomes
8) Johnny Unitas
9) Brett Favre
10) Steve Young
11) Drew Brees
12) Warren Moon
13) Ben Roethlisberger
14) Terry Bradshaw
15) Troy Aikman

— Ralph Amsden (@ralphamsden) January 11, 2023

Yesterday a local sports journalist here posted his 15 Greatest NFL Quarterbacks list without naming Fran Tarkenton or Roger Staubach. I’m obviously a prisoner of my youth but how do you have neither of those two among the Top 15? They only Seventies QB he included was Terry Bradshaw. Augh. Even Dan Fouts might crack the Top 15. Or Kenny Stabler. We’re all entitled to our opinion and there are no egregiously bad picks here, but the league changed after Bill Walsh became a head coach and you cannot use yesteryear’s stats versus today’s to assess QBs.

Of course, that take pales in comparison to this one:

Our Top 5 Georgia RBs Of All Time 🏈

Agree with our rankings? 🤔

If not drop your list below 👇👀 pic.twitter.com/ggre4f4NQl

— The Players' Lounge (@ThPlayersLounge) January 12, 2023

I loved Todd Gurley, as you may recall a plethora of Gurley Man references back in the day, but Herschel Walker was the best college running back I ever saw. To be listed No. 3 at his own school?!?

Mama Se Mama Sa Mamakossa

https://twitter.com/TheFigen_/status/1613546168247812097?s=20&t=tem-qLTtdPhVrmzy-zPi_Q

DOLLAR QUIZ

1-5: Name a song title and artist for at least five different days of the week. The title needs the day in it but can also, of course, include other words.

6. Who holds the NFL record for rushing yards per game in a single season?
7. Name a state whose borders have no straight lines.

8. How many companies comprise the Dow Jones Industrial Average?

by John Walters

Starting a new company.

It's called "Cable."

We're going to take all of the streaming services, combine them, put them in one menu, and charge you one simple fee to navigate all of them.

Raising $750m at a $10b valuation. pic.twitter.com/Ad4Vrkz8rL

— Chris Bakke (@ChrisJBakke) January 11, 2023

Kable Town!

How often have you had this conversation the past five or so years, because I’ve had it on a loop:

THEM: “Have you seen ____________?
ME: “No. What service carries it?”

THEM “It’s on Hulu. Or Amazon Prime. Or Apple TV. Or Disney-Plus. Or HBO Max. Or Showtime. Or Netflix. You HAVE to see it.”*

ME: “Thanks. I’ll pass.”

*For the record, no one ever says Paramount.

I’ve never seen Billions, not because I don’t believe its fans who tell me it’s a great show and that I’d love it but because I’m not worth billions. At a certain point isn’t there a line where you opt to not cross in terms of how many services you’ll add? I stopped at Netflix and HBO.

Who are these people who allow every single streaming service to quietly leech off their savings or checking accounts each month? When does the madness end? I watched the Golden Globes on Monday and here were the streaming services that had at least one series nominated: Netflix, HBO, Apple TV+, Disney+ and Hulu. I think Amazon was shut out. As was Showtime.

I clipped and pasted this:

Here’s Reelgood’s price breakdown of the major streamers:

• Apple TV+ — $4.99
• Discovery+ — $6.99
• Disney+ — $7.99
• Prime Video — $8.99
• Paramount+ — $9.99
• Peacock Premium Plus — $9.99
• Showtime — $10.99
• Hulu — $12.99
• HBO Max — $14.99
• Netflix (standard HD) — $15.49

So, granted, I pay for the two most expensive streaming services, but they’re also the best (someone at Netflix is kicking themselves for not developing Ted Lasso). Let’s add those fees up: it comes out to more than $113 per month, or $1,336 per year. That’s not quite one month’s rent, but I imagine it’s more than many people’s mortgage payments per month.

Of course, we’re all the same folks who won’t drop $19.99 a year on a subscription to Sports Illustrated any more because we just do not have the money. Or that’s what we tell ourselves. Television is easy. Reading is hard.

Anyway, returning to the tweet atop this item, I think Chris may be onto something…

In Loco Parentis

So the Cotton Bowl was the best bowl game of the season, no? In the fourth quarter of that contest between Tulane and USC, when it appeared that the Trojans had the game in hand and that ESPN announcers Mark Jones (“impervious,” “implacable,” “egregious”) and Robert Griffin III would need to audible to human interest anecdotes to keep us from flipping, the pair opted to focus on Tulane running back Tyjae Spears. The camera panned to the crowd, to a shot of his dad, and then RG3 talked about how his father had spent countless hours with him developing him as a football player and athlete from a prepubescent age. Same for USC’s Heisman Trophy-winning quarterback Caleb Williams (different dad, of course).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RB4rI-_52fk

And that is when RG3 opined, not at all incorrectly, on how too few young African-American males have a father figure in their lives and the supreme importance of having a father figure and the profound importance such a person plays in the futures of so many young black men. And I thought, Yes! He’s absolutely right.

I also thought, Isn’t a father figure an important in the development of any young boy? Or girl? Regardless of race. And then I thought, How would Twitter have reacted if Todd Blackledge or Joel Klatt had proffered the same opinion? Boom! Roasted!

You logged on to mediumhappy.com today and instead found yourself in the middle of a Bill Burr monologue. But it’s true. When two people of different colors say the exact same thing (okay, short of the N-word) and one gets hammered while the other’s remarks don’t even raise an eyebrow, we have a problem. I applaud what RG3 said there. It was candid, it was bold and it was true. I just wish anyone could say it.

Now, if he’d gone on to say that without a father figure they’re destined to become a supporting player in The Wire and from there, decades of incarceration, that might’ve been a stronger take.

Short Round Returns

About those Golden Globes, it was sweet validation for Ke Huy Quan to win Best Supporting Actor for his work in Everything Everywhere All At Once (they couldn’t have just called it “Ubiquitous?”). And his acceptance speech struck all the feels, with this erstwhile scene-stealer from the second Indiana Jones film in the early 1980s wondering if his greatest moment would always remain decades in the past (“As I grew older, I began to wonder if that was it”). And him giving this speech with Steven Spielberg sitting only a few feet away.

So, yes, all of that is cool. We wonder if that speech will tug enough heartstrings to allow Quan to steal a narrow Oscar win over Barry Keoghan, whose supporting role in The Banshees of Inisherin is the best thing you’ll see all year. All we know is that if that does happen, Oscar should take an uncharted path and cut to Keoghan seated in the audience saying, “Well, there goes that dream.”

All I Have To Say About George Santos

If America wanted a sociopathic liar in Congress, why didn’t we just elect Penelope?

Dollar Quiz

Yesterday’s Answers: 1. Scotland 2. They went undefeated (59-0) 3. Fran Tarkenton 4. Uranus 5. True

1. Jeff Beck, who passed away yesterday, first came to fame with what supergroup in the Sixties?
2. What does a yellow square in Wordle denote?
3. Name one famous historical figure from the years 500 A.D. to 1,000 A.D. (I was gonna say “person” but then someone would have answered, “Murray” and who am I to say there was nobody named Murray across five centuries?)
4. What country shares a border with the most other countries?
5. Who was the last player to play both college and NFL football in the same season (September through the end of that calendar year)?

by John Walters

Jerrod Carmichael’s Scientology joke sucked the air out of the room #GoldenGlobes pic.twitter.com/S4bsijk0n8

— philip lewis (@Phil_Lewis_) January 11, 2023

Savage Joke

Last night’s Golden Globes was all over the place, but this joke from host Jerrod Carmichael was as bold as anything former host extraordinaire Ricky Gervais ever attempted. I’ll admit I headed directly to the Google Machine to find out who Shelly Miscavige is/was. Wikipedia tells us that Miscavige, 61, “is a member of the Church of Scientology, married to Scientology leader David Miscavige. She was last seen in public in August 2007.”

That’s quite a while to be a recluse, eh?

LA police have said that they’ve met with Miscavige and that she is alive while others close to the situation say that she is being held against her will.

Miscavige’s mom, Flo Barnett, was a long-time Scientologist who resigned and absconded with “confidential upper-level materials.” She was found dead in 1985, at age 52, from a gunshot wound to the head. Her body also had three rifle shots to the chest, but her death was ruled a homicide. Sounds as if it would make a good movie.

Teaser

Have you ever heard of the Sultana? No? I had not either before yesterday. If you know what I’m talking about, good for you. If not, we’ll have more info after the next item.

Suns Of Anarchy

More proof that the NBA regular season is jabberwocky this season. The Golden State Warriors, defending NBA champions, were at home and at full strength last night (albeit Steph Curry needed to shake off rust after an 11-game absence). They were tied for the best home record (17-3) in the NBA.

The Phoenix Suns had lost six straight and had only one of its top seven players from last season, Mikal Bridges, suited up. I

In the third quarter, the Suns led the Dubs by 27 points. Phoenix survived a shaky fourth quarter to win 125-113. The Suns won for only the second time in 11 games. The Dubs, oddly enough, lost their third in a row at home, all to teams with sub-.500 records at the time: Detroit, Orlando and Phoenix. And now the Dubs are sub-.500 (20-21)

The Sultana

I was researching the Dollar Quiz yesterday and came across “the worst maritime disaster in U.S. history” and realized I’d never heard of it before. On April 27, 1865, the Sultana, a commercial riverboat, sunk on the Mississippi River, leading to the deaths of 1,169 people.

Here’s the backstory. More than 1,900 of the ship’s 2,130 passengers were Union soldiers who’d been prisoners of war during the Civil War, which had ended only earlier that month, and were homeward bound on the vessel headed upriver. The ship was only built to accommodate 376 passengers.

Around 4 a.m. on that April morning, seven miles upstream of Memphis, one of the ship’s four boilers exploded. Two other boilers exploded in rapid succession. What makes all of this creepy is that only one day earlier assassin John Wilkes Booth had finally been tracked down and killed and that was dominating the news (A&E broke into its coverage of “Duck Dynasty” to report the news). Anyway, the conspiracy theorists have long claimed the boat was sabotage, that this was payback, but official accounts discredit this (they always do, though, don’t they?).

More of an issue at the time was how come the boat was allowed to be filled so beyond capacity.

Anyway, we’d never heard of the boat or this event. If one of us makes it to Jeopardy! and this is the Final Jeopardy! clue, you’re welcome.

Greta Van Fleet

Came across an Instagram vid of Robert Plant singing the praises of a young rock band from Michigan, whom he bemusedly accuses of stealing their sound from the first Led Zeppelin album. Plant doesn’t seem bothered by that at all, and why should he be? Led Zep were pretty much the greatest plagiarists in rock history (after the Stones, perhaps?).

Anyway, the band is Greta Van Fleet, and they’ve been around since 2017 but I’m old and I’d never paid any attention. What you’ll love is that they’re from Frankenmuth, Michigan (just outside of Saginaw) and that three of the four band members are brothers (two are twins), the Kiszka brothers. Only the drummer is not related.

Above, their breakout hit, “Highway Tune.”

Rock and roll retains a faint pulse.

Dollar Quiz

Yesterday’s answers: 1. Rearview mirror 2. Vermont 3. Pythagorean Theorem 4. Cy Young 5. Chris Evert

1. The Isle of Skye (above) is in what country?
2. What is remarkable about the 1869 Cincinnati Red Stockings, baseball’s first all-professional team?
3. Who is the most prolific passer (career yardage) in NFL history to have played before Bill Walsh became a head coach?
4. One of these three planets was named after a Greek god. Which one: Mercury, Venus, Mars, Neptune, Uranus?
5. True-False: there is a 600-plus yard hole on the PGA Tour.