Monthly Archives: March 2021

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 1 Comment

by John Walters

Crown Show*

*The judges will also accept “Tea-ing Off”, “Tea-N-Tea”, and “Off With Her Headlines”

Dig: if you saw Season 4 of The Crown, particularly the season finale, none of what was revealed by Harry (what’s his last name, again?) and Meghan to Oprah last night should surprise you. In fact, if you saw Seasons 1 and 2, where the king marries an American woman and then abdicates from the throne, none of this should come as a shock.

Americans, judging from Twitter, are qualified to care and obsess about the trials and tribulations of the .0001%, as interviewed by a similar person. I’d say “uniquely” qualified, but it’s the Brits who put these folks in positions of mythic power for the past millennium.

Seasoning With Curry

Y’all can debate whether or not LeBron is The GOAT (not to us, not even close) of the NBA, but what isn’t debatable to us: Stephen Curry is The GOAT beyond the arc. The player who revolutionized the way the game is played put on a show at the All-Star Game in Atlanta, winning the three-point shot competition (below) and then burying 30- and even 40-foot bombs during the game itself.

https://twitter.com/WorldWideWob/status/1368723364420980736?s=20

There may some day be a player who comes along and is even more of an ICBM than Curry, but for now he’s the greatest to ever launch.

PDA Meeting

Move over, Walter White: there’s a new “World’s Wealthiest High School Science Teacher” in town. Meet Dan Jewett, who teaches science at the Lakeside School in Seattle. Dan just married MacKenzie Scott, ex-wife of Jeff Bezos and apparent baldie aficionado.

In 2019, less than two months after her divorce from the Amazon founder was finalized, Scott signed The Giving Pledge, a commitment to give away the majority of her approximately $35 billion net worth.”I have a disproportionate amount of money to share,” she wrote.

Apparently that altruism extends to high school educators. We know one science department that will not be running low on graduated cylinders or centrifuge tubes any time soon.

Crikies! It’s Bikies!

Great white sharks and saltwater crocs, yes. But Australia, particularly, western Australia, has a motorcycle gang problem. They’re known as “Bikies” Down Under and someone forgot to tell them that Mad Max: Fury Road is just a movie (albeit a great one).

There’s millions and millions of dollars of drugs involved, of course. And turf. And muscles. And facial tattoos.

A quick guide:

  1. The Rebels: formed in Brisbane and the nation’s largest (yes, that’s East coast).
  2. The Bandidos (originally formed in Texas)
  3. The Hell’s Angels (now operating in 27 countries… how long before they go public?)
  4. The Mongols (sworn enemies of the Hell’s Angels)
  5. The Comancheros (allow non-bikers to join in order to beef up criminal activities… but we hear their profit-sharing plan is shite)

Kubrick’s Killer’s Kiss

We watched Killer’s Kiss (1955) on TCM’s “Noir Alley” Saturday night. It’s Stanley Kubrick’s (above) second film and it’s an incredible piece of work in only 67 minutes. You can see a young artist—Kubrick was only 26 when he shot it—already deftly flexing with master strokes.

It’s also a gritty look at New York City, not the Big Apple of a Doris Day film. The film, which centers on a boxer-blonde-gangster love triangle, also came out a year after Rear Window. There’s back-window voyeurism with a dame in danger and a blonde (Irene Kane, a.k.a. Chris Chase) who even looks as if she could be Grace Kelly’s sister. Kane, a former Vogue model, would leave acting for journalism and even join CNN in its early years.

If you ever get a chance to see this, MH recommends.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

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The Idles of March

If you listen to your local Q Anon shaman, yesterday was supposed to be the real inauguration of Donald Trump for his second term. Turns out…you’re never going to believe this… that claim was fraudulent. Instead the 45th president spent it not putting out on a hole and Republican senators wasted everyone’s time in their chamber by compelling senate clerks to read the Rescue Bill in its entirety, out loud, on the floor, as a means of delaying a vote that whose outcome is a fait accompli.

And this is a bill that has wide bipartisan support. If you’re not paying attention, the entire Republican agenda is to gum up anything that Democrats want to do. It’s like an entire Tom vs. Jerry or Roadrunner vs. Coyote or Spy vs. Spy bit. The actual consideration of whether or not something is beneficial to American citizens never even enters their Neanderthal skulls.

Warren’s Piece

Here is the essence of Senator Elizabeth Warren’s wealth tax: for every dollar north of $50 million that you are worth, you pay 2 cents. For every dollar above $1 billion, you pay 3 cents.

That’s it. That’s the tax.

Somehow the Republicans have managed to paint this as socialism and an attack on their God-fearing constituents who will never earn north of $200,000 (and that’s being generous) a year.

Let’s put this in perspective, shall we? If you earn $200,000 a year, you are already making more than 95% of Americans. Also, if you earn $200,000 year, that is just zero-point-four percent of (0.40%) of what $50 million is. You’re not even out of the driveway.

Moreover, imagine having one dollar and the guy next to you has $1,000. Completely different buying power, no?

Well, if you have one million dollars, that’s like having $1 next to $1,000 compared to having one billion dollars.

MAGA voters are bad at math. Their pols know this. And they exploit their ignorance.

Elizabeth Warren isn’t coming for your paycheck. She’s coming after the super-filthy rich, and let’s just put two more points in perspective:

  1. If her bill passed, Jeff Bezos, the second-wealthiest man in the world, would make up for that tax hike with the equivalent of one half of one day of work.
  2. Also, America’s 600 or so billionaires have increased their wealth by more than $1.3 TRILLION since the start of the pandemic. They’re doing just fine.

Pope And Glory

Here’s Pope Francis being greeted upon his arrival in Iraq. Wouldn’t all of us like to be welcomed this way after a long flight? Just once? No pope has ever visited Iraq, which is weird since it’s sort of the cradle of civilization (Mesopotamia and all).

The Cork Soakers

One of my students turned me on to this SNL bit I’d never seen before. Wondering if this aired before or after companion sketch “Colonel Angus.” Though you may argue that it all began with “Schweddy Balls.”

Poor Janet Jackson. She cannot keep it together. Almost sabotaged the sketch. Even Jimmy Fallon kept it together better than she.

The Original SNL Sketch


John Belushi, the first SNL superstar (sorry, Chevy), died 39 years ago today. Here’s the very first SNL sketch, in October of 1975, which followed George Carlin’s opening monologue on football versus baseball.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

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by John Walters

The Miles High Club*

*The judges will also accept, “Whoop! There Goes Gravity”

Coming to a galaxy near you in just six years (or so they promise): a hotel in outer space called Voyager Station. It’s brought to you by OAC (Orbital Assembly Corporation), which is not to be confused with AOC, who would never allow an outer space hotel to open in New York City. Of course.

My big questions: 1) How’s the WiFi? 2) Will the lobby bar be exactly like the one in Star Wars? 3) Who will be the first to moon the moon from their hotel room?

MAGA’s Gate

Here’s what I always admired about the Heaven’s Gate cult: when the world did not actually end on the appointed day, they donned their track suits and committed mass suicide.

I mention this because the Qanon weirdos have appointed today, March 4, as the true inauguration day for Donald Trump (for his second term as president). So when today comes and goes and Trump remains yet another fat, crooked septuagenarian hiding out in south Florida, will the true believers off themselves?

Fluffer Nutter

Here’s why it’s always worth listening to Bill Walton on TV, and why you need to pay attention. Does Walton know what this word means? I imagine he does. Way to sneak it onto an ESPN broadcast. You wonder if someone dared him.

Today’s Quick Peek At Republican Corruption

–D.C. National Guard commander William Walker (like William Wallace, a brave heart in the face of tyranny) testifying yesterday how he could not get approval to bring in his men on January 6 for more than three hours. Odd that the man who had to give that approval was newly installed Sec. of Defense Chris Miller, a Trump toady who had only been appointed to the job two weeks earlier. Oh, and that he was conferring with a Gen. Charles Flynn, who is the brother of former Trump national security adviser Michael Flynn, who was sent to jail and then pardoned by Trump.

–Former Sec. of Transportation Elaine Chao, who is the wife of Mitch McConnell, is being investigated for using her office to benefit family business back in…CHINA!

There’s really no limit to Republican mendacity. Keeping up is overwhelming.

Don’t Raise The Bridge, Lower The River

When youths figure out a better way to solve a problem..

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 1 Comment

by John Walters

Texas Brain Slaw Massacre

In Lubbock, Gov. Greg Abbott (R) announces—to cheers—that Texas will 100% allow all businesses to reopen next Wednesday and that masks are no longer required anywhere. If the bitter cold, massive power outages and $17,000 energy bills weren’t enough for Texans, now Abbott is quadrupling down.

Why? Two reasons. First, short-term gratification is a hallmark of the ignorant, and ignorance is a hallmark of being a Trump era Republican. Second, when it all goes south (Padre Island) and Texas begins to spike up in coronavirus cases and deaths, they’ll just use that data to say that Joe Biden is not an effective president.

Mississippi is following Texas’ lead and doing the same, by the way.

https://twitter.com/CuomoPrimeTime/status/1366940388729192459?s=20

This young nurse, Brittany Smart, seems genuine and intelligent, etc. She’s also prettier than anyone on Grey’s Anatomy or New Amsterdam or The Good Doctor. One part of me wonders if a Cuomo, of all people, should be seeking out pulchritudinous young women for an appearance when there are thousands of people doing the same job. The other part of me thinks, Well, that’s television.

Does The Ref Realize This Game Is On TNT?

In Los Angeles, the Phoenix Suns defeat the Lakers in Staples for the first time since 2017 (the Suns now have the NBA’s 2nd-best record, behind only Utah). But midway through the third quarter, a referee gives Suns star Devin Booker a pair of technicals in a matter of seconds. The latter, simply for the way Booker bounced the ball back to him. Insane. And petulant.

The Lakers were without Kyle Kuzma and Anthony Davis. But the Suns played most of the fourth quarter without their three marquee stars: Booker, Chris Paul and Deandre Ayton. The zebra’ing in this game left a lot to be desired.

On TNT’s postgame show, Dwyane Wade asked a basketball question: How are we now defending the pick-and-roll. Analyst Candace Parker could have given a doctoral thesis on this topic while Shaq was still struggling to get into his blazer.

Wreck On The Highway

In Imperial, Calif., east of San Diego and just north of the Mexico border, 13 people die when a gravel truck T-bones an SUV carrying 27 (!) passengers.

I’ve got assumptions.*

*Early reports: Officials are investigating a human smuggling operation. Were Trump still prez, he’d tap the gravel truck driver for a Presidential Medal of Freedom.

Curious Josh

Gee, it’s not often you hear Republican pols use big words such as “metadata” and “geolocator.” Makes you wonder why they are being so specific about minutiae of an investigation. Don’t most R’s simply say stuff like “they believed the election was stolen” and “the president didn’t incite this” or even “It was AntiFa in disguise.” Hmm. Interesting.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | Leave a comment

by John Walters

(Yeah, this isn’t creepy at all)

Cuomo-Erotic

(Cockney accent): ‘ello, Guvnor!

Show me a woman in the work force and I’ll show you someone who almost certainly has dealt with sexual harassment on the job. It’s rather interesting to me, though, that I’m as likely to find a woman my age with little sympathy for the women accusing New York governor Andrew Cuomo of sexual harassment as I am to find those who want him to apologize and go away.

The feeling on the behalf of the former is, if I am not mansplaining it too much, I had to deal with it and now you put on your Big Girl blouse and find a tactful way to extract yourself from the situation.

My main problem with that line of thinking? He’s not Herb Tarlek and you’re not Bailey Quarters or Jennifer Marlowe. In other words, you’re not co-workers, veritable equals. He’s your BOSS and one of the most powerful men in America. You’re not on equal footing and if you in any way rebuff him or stand up to him you could be throwing your career away.

Dig, if Cuomo actually waited until he was alone in his office to ask his young female staffer if she’d ever been with an older man, that’s downright creepy and certainly a non-physical pass. Now, sure, a quick-witted lass might have said, “No, they’re so LETHARGIC and WRINKLY. Blech!” But that’s asking a lot of a millennial in a tight spot.

I’m not here to cancel everything. I just want more women and less Viagra in leadership roles.

Watt’s UP!

Superhero-armed J.J. Watt, who is currently no worse than the second-best defensive end in his family, signs with the Arizona Cardinals for two years and $31 million. Watt, who will turn 32 later this month, is a three-time NFL Defensive Player of the Year and a one-time Saturday Night Live host.

As a past-his-prime male J.W. who relocated to Arizona last March to bask in a few more moments of glory (and sunshine), I feel seen.

Welcome, J.J.

“I Am Not Throwing Away My Shot!”*

*The judges will not accept “Vaccine Waters”

Did you hear who got the vaccine? Secretly? Donald and Melania Trump. Back in January. Maybe this is why he was unable to walk down to the Capitol with the “Stop the Steal” mob he incited that day—he didn’t want to lose his place in line for his shot.

Funny how he never mentioned this.

In Harm’s Way

Watching Alfred Hitchcock’s Notorious (1946; Cary Grant, Ingrid Bergman, Claude Rains…that’s two Casablanca alums paired with Hollywood’s ultimate leading man) last night and struck by a funny thought. People always say that Hitchcock had a fetish for blondes; perhaps, though, his greater fetish was for sending in women to do the truly dirty work.

In Notorious Bergman, much like Eva Marie-Saint in North By Northwest, is working as an American spy whose job it is, in part, to seduce and bed the object of U.S. surveillance. In Rear Window and Psycho, Grace Kelly and Vea Miles, respectively, literally enter the killers’ lair and put their lives in peril in a search for the truth (specifically, the body of a dead female).

(and Cary Grant ALWAYS gets the girl)

Sure, beautiful women meet gruesome deaths (Vertigo, Psycho) or near to it (Dial M For Murder, North By Northwest, The Birds) in Hitchcock films, and I’m sure I’m missing a few here, but it’s funny that rarely is the man ever asked to put himself in danger. Women are, for Hitchcock, mostly instruments to be used.

Press “Paws”

Lived with a cat for 18 years and never realized why he didn’t quite walk like a doggy. This explains it. And with all the dust in my apartment, it should have been easy to pick up on it simply by checking the footprints on the floor.