Monthly Archives: March 2020

STARTING FIVE

by John Walters | 2 Comments

CORONAVIRUS UPDATES

WORLDWIDE CASES: 201,000

WORLDWIDE DEATHS: 8,204

U.S. CASES: 5,881

U.S. DEATHS: 107

Welcome To Groundhog Day


The MH staff has always loved the 1993 Bill Murray film Groundhog Day not just because it’s funny, but because it posits the question, How would you spend one day if you had to relive it over and over and over?

Welcome to Groundhog Day, people. We’re there.

Maybe you’ve lost your job (temporarily). You’re not traveling. You’re essentially trapped wherever you are and hopefully, healthy. So how are you going to spend each unstructured day?

Our hope for you, and what we’ve been trying to do. Don’t waste too much time on social media (don’t laugh). Expand your mind. Expand your skills. Improve your fitness.

You may never have another sabbatical like this in your life. If you were ever going to adopt the Herschel Walker fitness routine (500 push-ups, 500 sit-ups daily), this is the time.

Suggestions for those of us who are somewhat solo proprietors: 1) Cook, and learn new dishes 2) Always be reading a book 3) Learn something entirely new: a language, a musical instrument, how to invest, etc. 4) Write letters or get back in touch with people (without using Facebook).

It’s not a shut-down. It’s an opportunity.

Cancel 2020

It feels quaint to read tweets or listen to sports pundits discuss Tom Brady to the Buccaneers or the latest free agency rumors in the NFL. Particularly when the people we should be listening to, such as public health officials, attempt to brace us for a pandemic that may last as long as 18 months.

This entire month of March has seen people, from Twitter followers of ours to Fox News blatherers to the President, slowly distance themselves from their intransigent denials as to the severity of the virus. There won’t be a 2020 Tokyo Olympics, at least not this July. And I’d put it best at 50/50 if the NFL season kicks off in September. Brace yourselves for the worst, and you won’t be so disappointed.

President Herb Tarlek

As a character on the late 1970s sitcom WKRP In Cincinnati, Herb Tarlek was so much fun to behold. Smarmy. Self-assured when he had no right to be. Lecherous. Never one to hold himself accountable when things went wrong. Dishonest. Crude.

Nine days ago:

As his Wikipedia page entry notes, Herb’s co-workers at WKRP considered him a “general jackass” and yet still maintained a grudging affection for him. That’s where I feel he and Trump part ways. There was a time when Donald Trump was everything that Herb Tarlek was, except wealthier. But then he got mean. And actually began taking himself seriously. Herb, as much of a buffoon as he could be, could eventually be reeled in. He did have a conscience. Our President, who never takes responsibility for his inaction, does not.

Today:

A few words about “Chinese Virus.” Technically, he’s correct. The virus originated in China. But we all know this guy and at this point we all know why he’s using that term: to deflect blame from himself and to incite his MAGA base to find a scapegoat that doesn’t have white skin, something they are very good at.

I mean, even Fox News has had its Come to Jesus moment…

This is also solid…

“I Say, ‘Let ‘Em Crash’ “*

*The judges hope you get the reference

You’ve been hearing on CNBC about how much trouble the airlines and Boeing are in right now. Funny, eh? Corporations that have turned huge profits the past decade experience a sudden downturn for just two weeks and now they’re about to go out of business? Funny. We’ve been out of work for two months now, collected no unemployment, and are doing fine. I guess we should hold a TED Talk with these CEOs about how to more prudently manage your money.

One reason the airlines are in such distress? They spent as if there’s no tomorrow and, much like the idiots who lost everything buying homes they could never hope to afford 15 years ago, they committed the cardinal sin of believing the market could only ever go in one direction: UP! Let former Secretary of Labor Robert Reich explain:

So airlines such as American made wild amounts of money, besides upping their baggage fees (currently $30 for the first, $40 for the second). What did they do with their profits? Reinvested in themselves, buying their own stock. What does that do? It creates an artificial scarcity of stock, which in good times drives the price higher, which investors love to see, which increases quarterly earnings, which keeps CEOs in plush corner offices and with private jets.

The problem? You’re eating your own bodily reserves to nourish yourself. When the bill eventually comes due because the stock price plummets, you’ve doubled down on your losses. You can’t draw on cash reserves because they are in your stock, whose price is plummeting. You must tear down the front wall of your home to get wood to put into the fire. Kind of self-defeating.

Now, add to that they’ve been issuing debt (this is how Wall Street folk say “taking out a loan” without making it sound so desperate) to finance projects, but now they’ve got little income to pay back those loans. Double whammy.

And so what’s their next move? Come to Washington, D.C., with palms outstretched and beg for a bailout. And my response? I’m Gil in Sexy Beast:

You watch CNBC, you watch an endless parade of millionaires and billionaires extolling the virtues of capitalism. And that’s fine. Capitalism is the economic expression of Natural Selection. And yet as soon as things turn against them, they’re suddenly socialists? No. Sorry.

Whatever airline or airplane manufacturer goes down, let it. That will create a demand vacuum and some enterprising capitalist will fill it. That’s how capitalism works. If a pack of lions forget to set their alarms and they all die of starvation cuz they’re too lazy to hunt, you don’t go throw red meat at them. You let them die and some new predator will gaze upon all those unbothered herds of wildebeest and begin hunting. THAT is the Law of the Jungle. That is capitalism.

Ask Not

Kinda waiting for programs to be developed such as the WPA when FDR was President during the Depression. You’ve got millions of Americans, such as myself, who are out of work and healthy and wanting to pitch in. And then you’ve got millions of Americans who are either overworked or elderly and unable to do things for themselves that they might normally be able to do.

Seems there might be a way to bridge the gap there, no? This article from The New York Times offers some ideas as to how the federal government can begin tapping untapped resources. Meanwhile, if any of you have any bright ideas, hit us up.

Because here’s what I’m thinking: I really want to avoid America looking like that final scene from Joker if we can help it.

STARTING FIVE

by John Walters | 4 Comments

Tweet Me Right

Patriot Gone

Tom Brady decides to deliver sobering news to Bostonians on St. Patrick’s Day: he’s now officially a free agent. Brady, 42, has been with the Pats since 2000, leading them to nine Super Bowls, winning six. A career like no other.

https://twitter.com/HillaryMonahan/status/1239575233918615553?s=20

It probably won’t happen, but Tom Brady to the Chicago Bears would be awesome.

Spring Breakers

Beaches in south Florida remain packed during spring break, despite all the social distancing warnings. Two reasons: 1) Florida has the type of politicians who are only concerned with the tourism dollars and 2) deep down, or maybe on the surface, the youths realize that they’re not going to be felled by the coronavirus.

Let’s be sinister for a moment. If you have a viral disease that kills less than 1/10th of one percent of Americans in their working prime or teens but kills nearer to 10% of Americans who are five to ten years past their final productive years… this is like a purging of the Social Security and Medicare class. Imagine if our leaders were not as understanding and compassionate as Max Brooks, above. Imagine if they said, You know what, this disease is bad but our economy tanking is worse. Everyone go back to work. There’ll be some deaths and that’s bad and all, but it’s only going to be gramps and granny.

Now, imagine if they did not actually say that, but instead only took steps (or failed to take steps) that assured the same outcome. Which is what they’re doing.

Jim Cramer on CNBC just now: “We may be sacrificing the economy for the sake of people between the ages of 70 and 90.” That’s sort of true. It’s sort of curious that people are asking if it’s worth the sacrifice. RIP your gramps!

Peloton Center

Things I’d be doing if I produced SportsCenter: 1) Nightly reports on the top 10 Peloton finishers of the day. I’m not exactly sure how Peloton works, but I believe your time can be ranked versus everyone else on Peloton at the time, or that day, or whatevs. Why not show America the winners? 2) Iditarod live reports. It’s an American institution, dating back to 1973; it’s in a remote and exotic (but not warm) American location, and it’s actually taking place right now, and

3) Figuring out what type of events you can create yourselves, hopefully with the help of federal officials, that are social-distance friendly. I’d go for a Gumball Rally (Google the film) type event, a cross-country car (or bicycle) race.

“Try Getting It Yourselves”

America Worst

Add this quote to the numerous profane things the President has uttered since the coronavirus became a thing. On a conference call with American governors yesterday, Donald Trump told them that as far as badly needed ventilators go, “We’re backing you, but try getting it yourselves.”

Here’s what I imagine might be happening in the Oval Office when Dr. Fauci leaves the room. You’ve got Jared Kushner and Stephen Miller whispering in the President’s ear. And maybe, just maybe, they’re telling him that if people cannot be tested, then those people do not technically have COVID-19. And if those people, almost always older people, happen to die before being diagnosed, who’s to say that it wasn’t emphysema or Parkinson’s or dementia or whatever ailment they’d been flirting with for awhile? The important thing, as far as his reelection goes, is that the diagnosis and deaths are down.

Do you really believe, knowing what we know about Kushner and Miller, that they are more concerned with saving lives than with saving his presidency? I don’t. I believe they are the firemen heading to the fire but stopping for red lights and stopping to the Chick Fil-A drive-thru on their way over. Because you can’t get nailed for exponential increase in numbers of coronavirus if people don’t actually get tested for them.

Meanwhile, as this story shows, the World Health Organization had 100s of thousands of test kits, manufactured in Germany, that they were ready to ship to the U.S. We said, No thanks, our CDC will do it. And then the CDC screwed the pooch. We’ll never know how many lives that delay, upwards of a month, cost America. But it did. And none of those deaths are going to go on the “Died of Coronavirus” roll.

He likes to keep the numbers down.

Two words: West Virginia. I’ve been to West Virginia, and maybe you have, too. And in terms of social distancing, WV has been social distancing itself from the rest of the Lower 48 for centuries. Still, not a single diagnosis? C’mon.

Chicago Pope

So I went on the HBO and the Netflix streaming services Sunday and here’s my question: When did popes become so popular? The Two Popes (on Netflix), The New Pope (HBO) and The Young Pope (also HBO). What’s up with this papacy obsession?

I consulted MH’s unofficial Culture Editor (and Editor In Charge Of Licking The Spatula During All Baking Exercises), Katie McCollow, who suggested that poping is the most popular TV franchise since NBC’s spate of Chicago-based shows. And it was about 1.8 seconds later when we both decided that either NBC or HBO or both needs to release Chicago Pope. He’s a gruff Irish Catholic who operates the worldwide Catholic church out of a firehouse in Lincoln Park, although he’s actually more of a White Sox fan. Eventually he is induced to also run for mayor. You’d watch. So would I.

STARTING FIVE

by John Walters | Leave a comment

Autograph This!

The Dow Jones fell a record 2,997 points on Monday, or 12.9%. That’s the worst ever day in the Dow’s history. Ever. Just one more example of President Trump’s behavior/character/personality. He gooses the market on Friday afternoon, gets a 2,000-point jump before the close, takes a victory lap and sends an autographed print out of the chart to Lou Dobbs.

The next trading day? The Dow’s worst ever, at least in total number. The third-worst in terms of perecentage drop-off.

We’re not taking any joy in this. It’s all about hoping he’ll finally understand: it’s about fighting the virus, not about fighting the Dow’s downward trajectory. Get people to take the virus seriously, provide leadership and healthcare at a federal level, and the Dow will eventually recover. Not immediately. But it won’t drop as precipitously.

The market keeps selling off because investors have no idea how bad this pandemic will be and for how long it will last. And the reason behind that is because the White House has yet to admit to itself, or to us, just how serious this is. All we know is that it’s still in denial. Get past that, and the drop offs will stop.

I hope.

COVID-19 As A Force Majeure

Someone posted the avalanche clip from Force Majeure on Twitter yesterday using new captions that related directly to the coronavirus. I cannot find it but I don’t think you have to use your imagination too much to make the analogy for yourself.

TVIX

You can still make money—crazy money—in the market. If you know where to look. Spoiler Alert: I did not.

TVIX stands for VelocityShares Daily 2x VIX Short-Term ETN and I don’t know what the hell that means. All I know is that the more volatility in the stock market, the more people are buying and selling stocks and not holding them, the more this stock rises. Credit Suisse created this fund.

Well, yesterday TVIX opened at about $335 and it closed at $591, for a one-day percentage gain of 76%. I’m not going anywhere near it. But I thought you might like to know.

Carole Landis

Watching Noir Alley on TCM at Saturday midnight. Eddie Mueller introduces the 1941 film I Wake Up Screaming (perfect title for these times) that stars Victor Mature, Betty Grable and someone I’d never heard of, Carole Landis.

While those first two names got top billing and have become known as much bigger stars, Landis was the one you couldn’t take your eyes off. Betty Grable was one of THE pin-up girls of World War II, along with Rita Hayworth, but Landis was every ounce as lovely. And as it turns out, she traveled as frequently and as far on U.S.O. Tours as anyone during the war.

So how come I hadn’t heard of her? Had you? As it turns out, her life story played out like a classic Hollywood tragedy of its time. Born in Wisconsin in 1919, Landis’ father ran out on the family. Then it later became known that that man may not even have been her biological father (may explain why he ran out).

Landis’ mom moved the family out to San Bernardino, Calif. When she was a teenager she started dancing in clubs. Not much of a dancer, but her beauty was undeniable. By age 22 she was in the film mentioned above. She was also involved in an affair with Daryl Zanuck, who was the studio head of Twentieth Century Fox. Also 17 years her senior. Also married.

It eventually ended. Landis, who’d taken her stage name as an homage to Carole Lombard (who would die in 1942 in a plane crash), moved to England to get in the picture business there. And then she began an affair with Rex Harrison (“I think she’s got it! I think she’s got it!”). He, too, was married.

This affair also ended. Lombard moved back to California. She would take her own life, in 1949 at the age of 29, via a barbituate overdose. Along the way she would find the time to get married four times.

Hollywood, man. Chews ’em up and spits ’em out.

Say Nothing

Are you Irish? Do you know someone who’s Irish? Are you a U2 fan?

If you answered “Yes” to any of the above, I highly recommend this book. Started it last Thursday and already finished it (not having a job helps). And by the way, neither U2 nor Bono are ever mentioned in the book, though you can feel their songs all over it, particularly “Sunday, Bloody Sunday,” “40” and “Mothers Of The Disappeared.”

The author uses the disappearance in 1972 of Jean McConnville, a widowed Belfast mother of 10 children, to launch into a comprehensive tale of The Troubles: the IRA’s re-formation in the late Sixties and all of the characters who inhabited it: the scholarly Gerry Adams, who was once one of the top commanders in the IRA who since went on to become the leader of Sinn Fein (while always denying he was ever part of the IRA); the sisters Dolours and Marian Price, the most militant females in the IRA, the former of whom married actor Stephen Rea (who starred in The Crying Game); Brendan Hughes, one of the top soldiers; and Alfredo Scappaticci, an IRA enforcer whose job it was to torture and murder “touts,” or IRA members who worked as informers for the British… and was actually himself an informer for the British (what better cover than that?).

It’s insane. Tragic. At times, very funny. Compelling. Another book I’m recommending that you probably won’t read, but please don’t hate me for trying.

AGE AGAINST THE MACHINE

by John Walters | 1 Comment

President Donald Trump: 73

Dr. Anthony Fauci: 79

Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden: 77

Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders: 78

Supreme Court justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg: 87 (Happy Birthday! Yesterday)

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell: 78

House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi: 79

Attorney General William Barr: 69 (turns 70 in May)

On one hand it’s wonderful that so many septuagenarians can be so dynamic. On the other we’re in the midst of a pandemic that preys most particularly on people over the age of 70. And there’s no cure.

I’ve just listed some of the most important people in American politics. And they’ve all got a bull’s eye on their respiratory systems. Hoping they all come through this, but as a nation are we not sort of playing craps with our leadership? I mean, they pushed Brent Musburger aside and he was still at the top of his game.

You know how some sports outlets come out with their Heisman favorites in August and then someone like Joe Burrow comes out of nowhere and wins the Trophy? Someone who didn’t even have odds placed on him? If there were—and maybe there is, I don’t know— a way to bet on who would win the election come November, right now I’d place my money on “The Field.” That is, someone other than Biden, Bernie or Trump. I feel as if the world is gonna get weirder before it gets back to normal.

You?

DENIAL

by John Walters | Leave a comment

As I wonder how come there’s never been an episode of The Walking Dead that revolved around toilet paper…

Yesterday I went out on a trail run behind South Mountain here and I started thinking about the Civil War. Now, I know that I’m simplifying it, but I’m sure there were plenty of decent church-going southern folk back then who subscribed to the whole “Love thy neighbor as thyself” credo. But then they turned around and kept black people as slaves.

And I imagine some of these southerners rationalized that the blacks actually preferred it this way (Remember Bill O’Reilly only a couple years ago noting that all the slaves who helped build The White House —that name; there’s no end to irony— were well-fed?) and they were happier. Others were able to cognitively disconnect, as their descendants do now, what they profess to believe versus the way they actually behave. Still others didn’t give a rat’s ass because what’s good for business is all that matters.

One thing all of these southerners had in common, though: they didn’t cotton (pun intended) to a bunch of northern Yankees telling them how to live their lives. So the Civil War was fought and it remains the deadliest war in American history (more soldiers died than in World War II, and of those who perished more from disease than from actual battles) and the South was ravaged and a 3-plus hour film was made about two beautiful people who can’t stand one another. Was it worth it?

The lesson of the Civil War is this: some people are willing to lose everything before they admit they’re wrong.

Which brings us to 2020. Remember, was it only last week, when Trish Regan went on air on Fox Business and accused Democrats of whipping up a frenzy and a hoax about the coronavirus? I wonder where she got that idea. Oh yes, it was from the President of the United States.

The playbook for MAGA has been and is as follows:

  1. Downplay the coronavirus and insist that Dems/liberals are using it as a weapon to harm the president.
  2. As the coronavirus demonstrates that it as a true existential threat, make the point that now is not the time for partisanship (unless Trump wants to tweet something about Joe Biden) or to politicize the issue. Also not the time to dwell on the past.
  3. As the coronavirus wreaks the havoc it will wreak, try to demonstrate that there was never anything anyone could have done about it.

In short, as with the Civil War, never admit you’re wrong. As President Trump said, “I don’t take responsibility at all.”

Sadly, human behavior never changes. Science and technology advance, true. But the people who subscribe to those advances are almost always outnumbered by those who are happy in their ignorance. The world is working out for them (free labor in the 19th century, subsidies for being a stay-at-home farmer in the 21st) and they don’t want to hear anything that upsets their paradigm.

Eventually, as it always does, reality strikes. And the Happy Ignorant, they never accept responsibility. They just find a way to channel their bitterness toward someone or something else.

The world keeps spinning. But it never seems to go anywhere.