Monthly Archives: September 2019

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | Leave a comment

by John Walters

Tweet Me Right

WUT?!? Don’t they know the first move is to remove the tats?

Starting Five

Antonio!

He’s Antonio! He’s not your dog!

I don’t even know—or care—what the latest Raider nonsense with Antonio Brown actually is. See, kids, not caring about the NFL is good for you.

10-3, Good Buddy

Speaking of which, the Packers defeated the Bears 10-3 in blizzard-like conditions in Soldier Field. The wind was wailing, snow falling diagonally, and hence you can appreciate why both teams could only manage a total of one touchdown and two field goals.

The game’s leading rusher, someone named Aaron Jones, finished with 39 yards on 13 carries. There was reportedly a “game-winning punt.” Lordy. Is it Saturday yet?

Pray For Alabama

Last September, or was it two Septembers ago, it was Puerto Rico that was bludgeoned by a hurricane and the media (bad!) barely covered it. This time it’s Alabama, a land from which I’ve seen zero windbreakers-on-the-ground reports in the wake of Dorian’s destruction. What is WRONG with you people?

Fortunately we have a president who has shown that he will not abandon these Alabamians, no matter what their race or creed. Courage.

Downtown Montgomery, this a.m.

Meanwhile, the Crimson Tide will go ahead with their game versus New Mexico State in Tuscaloosa on Saturday. Sure, some folks will see this as insensitive, with all the downed power lines and flooded-out barbecue joints and such, but we can’t let Mother Nature slow us down.

Casting Abroad

You may view the trailer for the soon-to-be-released film Bombshell and think about what a pig Roger Ailes was. And you’d be right. But can we also take a moment to note that the three major roles went to a pair of Australian women (Nicole Kidman, Margot Robbie) and a South African (Charlize Theron)? And they’re all playing American blondes.

What in the good name of Farrah Fawcett (and Grace Kelly) is happening here? Why isn’t the U.S. of A. producing quality blonde bombshell actresses any more? (Obama’s fault, obs). Saoirse Ronan? Irish. ScarJo? Long Island, and not even a real blonde. How are we supposed to Make America Great Again when our greatest blonde actress (Emma Stone) dyes her hair auburn???

Meet Kamuysaurus japonicus

Scientists have discovered the remains of a 72 million year-old dinosaur in Japan. Its name: Kamuysaursu japonicas. The duck-billed dino is not the first of its kind and seems unlikely to displace another dinosaur as the island nation’s most popular giant lizard…

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | Leave a comment

by John Walters

Tweet Me Right

Starting Five

Devastation

This is an aerial view of the Bahamas after Dorian swept through and basically flattened much of it. But we don’t want to talk about that. Let’s talk about this piece that led off NBC Nightly News last night (fast forward directly to 1:45):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lsvTvVRU3fY

Granted, Kerry Sanders had no control over where the U.S. Borders and Customs Black Hawk helicopter flew, so he had to take what he could get. And the survivors’ stories were compelling. BUUUUUT, on an island nation where the true natives are all black and 99.9% are probably poorer, and hence have been so much more devastated by Dorian’s destruction, aren’t these interviews of presumably well-off white Americans more than a little tone-deaf? Or am I just a social justice warrior? You tell me.

Nancy With The Light Brown Hair

This is women’s basketball icon, Nancy Lieberman, 61, posing for the ESPN Body Issue. Seems like Nancy has not been missing many ab days. Good for her. How long until ESPN asks staffer Rebecca Lobo to pose (what say you, Steve?). Also, can we get Robert Kraft for next year’s Body Issue because it seems unlikely the Palm Beach po po will ever release that video.

Red Grange

Is it too late for us to announce Medium Happy’s Red Grange Timex Watch List? Uh, yeah, the season’s already one week old.

Yeah, well, it’s our site and we’ll do what we want, so here it is:

  1. Jalen Hurts: Only the second player in like, the millennium, behind Johnny Football to rush for three TDs and throw for 3 TDs plus 300 yards in one game. The redemption story is also unbeatable. I don’t care about who’s going to make a better pro or be drafted higher or whose team is ranked higher, if Jalen keeps this up, “Hurts So Good” is gonna be a theme song. Oklahoma.
  2. Trevor Lawrence: But if Jalen does NOT keep this up. Clemson.
  3. Travis Etienne: May have the better numbers out of the Clemson backfield. Clemson.
  4. Max Borghi: He’s the second coming of Christian McCaffrey. From Wazzu.
  5. Jerry Jeudy: Alabama wideout is best at his position in the FBS.

Ruthian Night

This is Michael Lorenzen of the Cincinnati Reds, whom I’ve never heard of, either. Last night Lorenzen became the first person since Babe Ruth, 98 years ago, to record a win, hit a home run and play the outfield in the same game. The curious aspect is how Lorenzen accomplished this feat.

The Fullerton, Calif., native entered the game as a reliever in the top of the 7th and with the Reds up 5-4 on the Phillies. He then allowed a game-tying home run. He pitched a scoreless eighth and then, hitting for himself, smacked a two-run homer (the Reds had retaken a one-run lead in the bottom of the 7th). Then in the 9th Lorenzen played centerfield.

So he equaled a Babe Ruth feat while not even appearing in the game before the 7th inning. “That’s pretty exciting,” said Lorenzen, who has seven career homers. “I’m going to have to look into what Babe Ruth would be making today and sit down with [the front office].”

Was It Lithium?

Now that 33 of the 34 bodies have been recovered from the Conception, the diving boat that was engulfed by flames in the wee hours of Monday morning, the theories about what caused the fire are beginning. Roy Hauser, who designed the craft and founded Truth Aquatics, the company that ran the expedition (he no longer owns it), believes it was a lithium battery charger.

Who knows how any of us would react in that situation, but the captain and four crew members who were sleeping in the wheelhouse, well, their first reaction was to make a mayday call and then climb into a dinghy. Was there not a fire extinguisher? Was the fire already that intense? This wasn’t a few people. This was nearly three dozen souls who must have been making a terrible racket. You can only hope it was over fast.

Music 101

Patience

This is the sound of a band who, at the peak of both their power and of rock ‘n roll itself, had the confidence to do a soft acoustic ballad. Guns N Roses’ flame did not burn long, but it burned every bit as bright as any band that’s ever been. From 1989, it rose to No. 4 on the Billboard chart.

Remote Patrol

Packers at Bears

8 p.m NBC

The pro football, it is back.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | Leave a comment

by John Walters

Starting Five

Walmart Targets Guns

Yesterday Walmart CEO Doug McMillon sent out a release saying that the megastore would “stop selling ammunition that can be used in military-style assault rifles, would discourage its customers from openly carrying guns in its stores (“I’m headed to produce; cover me!”) and would call on Congress to increase background checks and consider a new assault rifle ban.”

This could be a watershed moment, NYT’s Andrew Ross Sorkin writes. Or it could lead to “a lot of violence,” shrill conservative Megan McCain threatens. Kind of like a Civil War? The one that was necessitated because one part of the country refused to emancipate slaves even though it knew it was the right thing to do? Scoreboard.

Oh, My

The New York Mets have imploded in September before—see 2007, when they lost six of their last seven to finish one game out of the postseason—but nothing ever so bad as last night in Washington.

After scoring five runs in the top of the ninth inning to extend a slim lead over the Nationals to 10-5, the Mets, or their bullpen, surrendered SEVEN runs in the bottom of the ninth to succumb, 11-10. Kurt Suzuki capped the onslaught, all done before Met pitchers recorded even a second out, with a three-run walk off bomb to left.

https://twitter.com/jasoncollette/status/1169073841836044289?s=20

Before last night the Mets, who have faint hopes for a wildcard berth, were 806-0 in games in which they led by 6 or more runs entering the 9th inning. But here’s what makes yesterday’s ignominy so undeniably Mets: the franchise’s AAA ball club, Syracuse, during a one-game playoff versus the Yankees’ AAA squad, blew a seven-run lead, 13-6, to fall 14-13. That’s So Mets!

Masters Class In Flushing

Last night the female and male GOATs of tennis, Serena Williams and Roger Federer, took the court one after another at the U.S. Open. Serena, who remains one grand slam singles title behind Margaret Court for the most ever (24), dispatched of opponent Qiang Wang in 44 minutes, 6-1, 6-0. She’s headed to the semis.

Federer, who has the most men’s grand slam titles (20), lost in five sets to Gregor Dimitrov of Bulgaria in the men’s quarters. We only saw the fifth set, when the sweet Swiss’ seemed burdened by age and/or physical ailments and committed a slew of unforced errors.

Serena turns 38 later this month. Roger turned 38 last month. Will we ever see both advance to the quarters of a grand slam again, to share the court on the same night? Perhaps. But no longer is that a solid bet.

Vienna Waits For You

The Economist, which ranked 140 cities all over the globe on a Global Livability Index, has declared Vienna the world’s most livable city for 2019. The Austrian capital edged out Melbourne, making it the Clemson to the Australian city’s Alabama in these annual rankings.

The next three cities on the list? Sydney, Osaka and Calgary.

Vienna has now won the title two years in a row after Melbourne had taken it seven years straight. And with the infusion of the Herbstreit twins on its roster, there’s no stopping Vienna in the recent future.

Damascus and Detroit were the least livable across the planet and the United States, respectively. The former has been ravaged by civil war most of the decade; the latter has housed the Lions since 1930.

Former Knick Now A Ranger

That seven-foot cadet standing at attention at U.S. Army Ranger School (“Rangers lead the way!”) is former Duke and NBA player Marshall Plumlee. Never as talented as brother Mason, he nevertheless appeared in 29 games over two seasons with the Knicks and Bucks. Now at age 27, the former ROTC cadet just graduated from Army Ranger School at Fort Benning (psst, Marshall, stay low).

That’s pretty damn cool.

Related: a 52 year-old former Navy SEAL, James Hatch, has begun his undergraduate studies at Yale University. Yup, he’s a freshman and he’d be the best dorm roomie ever (I think we know who’s buying the beer).

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 4 Comments

by John Walters

Starting Five

Soggy Bahama

East of Florida, Dorian reached maximum power and we hear some people have never even heard of a “Category 5” storm. The eye wall of the hurricane has hovered over the Bahamas for the past 36 hours, creating quite a mess over the islands. Good news, though: Alabama is safe.

Why don’t we just listen to this man the next time a hurricane looms?

Boat Tragedy

Twenty-five confirmed dead but it looks as if the total count will be closer to 34 after a diving boat moored off Santa Cruz Island (40 or so miles off Santa Barbara) catches fire at around 3 a.m. Five passengers, all crew members, were able to leap off the 75-foot vessel to safety. The boat was moored just 20 yards off shore, in 64 feet of water.

So the questions are coming: How did the fire start? How did it spread so quickly? Why were the crew unable to notify or evacuate the passengers in time? Was there not a fire extinguisher on board.

That giant wave you see is all the lawsuits that are coming.

Oh, My Nose!

Late in the fourth quarter of last night’s Notre Dame victory at Louisville, Irish quarterback Ian Book threw a long pass out of bounds that struck Cardinal cheerleader Elizabeth Scott in the proboscis.

Nearly 50 years later and a Marcia Brady reference is still relevant:

https://twitter.com/CorbinMichaels/status/1168742905730785280?s=20

Of course, since all of life is one Black Mirror episode (declares middle-aged man who writes free blog daily), the injured cheerleader took it as an opportunity to gain more social media followers. She reportedly has a broken nose.

We just wonder where was ESPN sideline reporter Maria Taylor when all of this was going on? #SheHadOneJob

Major Minors

Now that the AAA minor league baseball regular season, the first in which they switched to using the same baseballs currently being used in The Show, has concluded, we can report the final numbers on home runs.

For those of you scoring at home, that’s a 57% increase in home runs in the course of one season. Something’s up with dem balls, no?

Is Cron’s prodigious power one reason the D-Backs were willing to let Paul Goldschmidt get away?

For those wondering, Kevin Cron of the Reno Aces (Diamondback affiliate) led the American AAA teams in home runs with 38, while Chris Carter of the AAA Mexican League Acereros de Monclava led that league with 49.

Related: The New York Yankees were shut out yesterday for the first time in 220 games, ending the second-longest consecutive games with at least one run scored streak in MLB history. The longest (311) belongs to the 1931-33 Yanks. Oddly, the day before the Yanks did not score before the 8th inning before putting up 5 runs to beat the A’s 5-4. The pitcher who shut out the Yankees on Labor Day? Mike Minor of the Texas Rangers.

The Odessa File

In Odessa, Texas, a white male in his mid-thirties armed with an AR-15 goes on a rampage after being fired from his job and slaughters seven people. Let me guess: he was single?

A few thoughts here…If prayers are supposed to be our weapon of choice against the chronic number of mass murders, why don’t we just fight illegal immigration by praying about it?…Second, if it’s not about guns but rather about mental illness, then shouldn’t we look for common symptoms the way , you know, real scientists do? Let’s see, almost all mass murderers with guns are white males with rage issues. By that assessment, isn’t our president mentally ill?

Allow me to be honest and a little cynical for a moment. I can’t speak for all, but here’s one Northeasterner who comes across these stories almost weekly and thinks, As long as it’s gun-boner Texans shooting other gun-boner Texans, well, there’s something poetic about that. Keep it up. If you don’t have any more sense than to live in Texas, I can’t really help you.

Yeah, I wrote it.