WE FIXED COLLEGE FOOTBALL (at least the FBS)!

by John Walters

Six power conferences. Each have 12 schools. 72 is a wonderful number (not quite as beautiful as 64, but close). We’ll leave the divisions up to someone else, but ideally each school plays 8 intra-conference games (5 in division, 3 outside) and 4 non-conference games. The fans win, as these conferences do their best to respect tradional placements while putting a premium on geographic proximity, which is what makes the sport so appealing to its fans (and yes, Notre Dame remains an independent).

Before you say this could never work, consider this: If the below were the existing framework and someone suggested, as an improvement, the construct of conferences that is currently in place in reality, would anyone go for it? No. 

ACC

Clemson, Duke, Florida State, Georgia Tech, Miami, North Carolina, N.C. State, South Carolina, UCF, Virginia, Virginia Tech, Wake Forest

–12 schools

Granted, this is more like the South Atlantic Coast Conference, but at least it is comprised entirely of schools whose states are located along the Atlantic Coast. Wild, right? The ACC stretches no farther north than Charlottesville. We hate to lose the Terps, but they’re needed to make the Big East more robust. UCF has the nation’s highest enrollment and is located in Orlando. A sleeping giant that has already been roused.

BIG 10

Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Iowa State, Louisville, Michigan, Michigan State, Northwestern, Ohio State, Purdue, Minnesota, Wisconsin

–12 schools

The Hawkeyes’ in-state rival joins the conference, and orphaned Louisville, which never belonged in the ACC, finds a home. Recall, the ‘ville is located just across the Ohio River from Indiana. Louisville, Kentucky and Cincy probably all belong in the same conference, but which one? Until anyone figures that out, we’re parceling them out to foster homes.

BIG 12

Baylor, Colorado, Kansas, Kansas State, MissouriNebraskaOklahoma, Oklahoma State, Texas, Texas A&MTCU, Texas Tech

–12 schools

Welcome back to four emigres whose return is sorely needed. This is truly a powerhouse conference now.

BIG EAST

Army, Boston College, CincinnatiConnecticut, Maryland, Navy, Penn State, Pittsburgh, Rutgers, Syracuse, Temple, West Virginia

–12 schools

People say the Northeast lacks enough powerhouse schools after Penn State, but no one has ever accused this region of being lacking in prep talent. Let’s keep some of them home by placing all the best schools from this quadrant, the most densely populated part of the nation, in one conference. Every school is within driving distance from NYC, the media epicenter of the nation. And having Army and Navy gives the conference immediate national prominence. 

PAC-12

Arizona, Arizona State, BYU, Cal, Oregon, Oregon State, Stanford, UCLA, USC, Utah, Washington, Washington State

–12 schools

The University of Colorado is located EAST of the Rockies. There’s a reason they refer to it as the Continental Divide. Sub out CU, insert BYU, and now you have five states, each with at least two schools and each school with an organic rival.

SEC

Arkansas, Alabama, Auburn, Florida, Georgia, Kentucky, LSU, Ole Miss, Mississippi State, Tennessee, USF, Vanderbilt

–12 schools

From an unwieldy 14 schools back to 12. Eliminate the Texas footprint and accentuate the Florida footprint. Tampa is a recruiting hot bed. We’d have no major problem with adding FAU instead, but for now, USF.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters

Tweet Me Right


“You’re”

Starting Five

1. Good News! We’re Doomed?

It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s a giant space turd???

No, it’s Oumuamua, and astronomers and physicists are not sure what it is, but it sailed past the sun a month or two ago and picked up speed doing so. Now a pair of bored Harvard researchers who just wanted to see their names in the paper (and in MH), Shmuel Bialy and Abraham Loeb, are proposing that it “may be a fully operational probe sent intentionally to Earth vicinity by an alien civilization.”

At least that’s what they wrote in the November 12 issue of The Astrophysical Journal Letters (right after their piece titled, “Why I Chose To Join The Astrophysical Journal Letters).

A reminder that the creators os Superman were also a pair of Jewish dudes, and he too came intentionally to Earth and was sent by an alien civilization.

2. CARrEy

This happened a week ago Friday—or last month—but with daily spate of offal being ladled out here (this, for instance, took place just an hour or two after Cesar Sayoc was captured and less than 24 hours before Pittsburgh), we missed it. Here’s Jim Carrey‘s insightful and passionate acceptance speech after receiving the Charlie Chaplin Award for humor at the BAFTAs in London.

4. Ballot The Blue Sky

Is this “fair” or is this “balanced?” We’ll go with the latter, since both halves of the stage are balanced out with a horse’s ass. That’s Fox News’ Sean Hannity abandoning any veneer of objectivity by campaigning with Donald Trump, who still has not learned how to tie a tie, last night.

We won’t go down the entire rabbit hole of the midterms, other than the fact that we think you’ll see Michigan at No. 4 tonight (wait, wrong election). In the House of Representatives, there are currently 235 Republicans and 193 Democrats. All 435 seats are up for grabs today.

These Ottawa Senators have some ‘splainin’ to do…

In the Senate, there are 51 Republicans and 47 Democrats. 33 of the seats are up for grabs in regular elections and two more in special elections. Speaking of Senators, there’s a scandal involving a small group of Senators that you’ll be relieved to learn took place in Canada and actually involves hockey players.

4. Slug Worth

Eight years ago Sam Ballard was a 19 year-old rugby player in Sydney, Australia, having a few drinks with his mates in someone’s backyard. A slug crossed their paths. On a dare, Sam ate it.

Ballard before his fateful choice

He soon became sick. Then his limbs stopped working. Doctors eventually diagnosed that within the slug there had been a parasite they call “rat lungworm,” which is even worse than it sounds. He fell into a coma that lasted more than a year. Could not eat. Was paralyzed. Finally, he died.

Just an ironic reminder that the villain in Willy Wonka, a man who made treats for young people, was named Slugworth.

5. The Surge of Serge

Remember when Serge Ibaka was a wonderful complement to those OKC teams that featured a TRIO of future NBA MVPs (and Hall of Famers) in Kevin Durant, James Harden and Russell Westbrook? Well, the native of the Congo and third-youngest of 18 children is now in Toronto and in the last two games, played on consecutive nights in Los Angeles and Salt Lake City, the 6’10” Ibaka made 23 of 25 shots.

We imagine most of them were dunks, but still: 15 of 17 on Sunday night while scoring a career-high 24 in a win against the L.A. Brons  and 8 of 8 last night for a team-high 17 in a win at Utah. Both Raptor wins, both without Kawhi Leonard. The Raptors are 10-1.

By the way, did you know the Raptors are coached by a dude named Nick Nurse? Neither did we.

Reserves

That’s Kersti Kaljulaid, 48, in yellow. She’s the president of Estonia and she ran the New York City Marathon on Sunday. Kaljulaid crossed the finish line in Central Park in 4:02:40, which is very respectable for her age group.

Music 101

She Don’t Use Jelly

Believe it or not, this Flaming Lips song is 25 years old. It’s older than Weezer’s biggest hit, which is making us rethink the genius of Rivers Cuomo since this tune and “The Sweater Song” have a riff in common. This was a hit in the dying days of MTV, back when “120 Minutes” was a cool show and there was still hope for music videos. The band’s only song to chart in the Billboard 100 (55), it received a nice bump by being featured on Beavis and Butthead and also because of this live appearance on some dude’s low-rated studio show…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IMZ0VZhunm4

Remote Patrol

MIDTERM ELECTION COVERAGE

8 p.m. 

ABC CBS NBC PBS FoxNews MSNBC CNN

You Beto, you Beto, you bet….

We chuckled when we heard a Saturday promo that said, “No one does election coverage quite like Fox News.” That’s the problem, Rupert (Do y’all remember Karl Rove a few years back?). We could’ve put Duke-Kentucky in here, but we’re not fans of the top two teams playing a glorified open scrimmage two weeks before Thanksgiving. Schedule that game over the Christmas holidays, at least.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters

Tweet Me Right

Starting Five

1. No Stemming This Tide

The matchup most of us were waiting for, No. 1 Alabama at No. 1 LSU, was yet another Nick Saban-produced yawner. The Crimson Tide won 29-0 and the only dents in the Tuscaloosa Invincibility Shield were the fact that they finally failed to score a touchdown on their first possession of the game and that Tua Tagovailoa finally threw a pick, his first of the season.

Dig, Alabama IS by far the best team in the country, but they’re not out of the kudzu yet. They’ve got Auburn at the end of the month and War Eagle is never intimidated seeing as how so many of the players on both teams grew up with one another. Georgia, in Atlanta, is no gimme either. The curious thing is that we still see the Tide getting a playoff berth if they lose either of those two games.

2. Rick Roll: The Walking Dead

So Sheriff Rick Grimes explodes a bridge on The Walking Dead in order to save Alexandria, but with him on it. Fortunately, in his farewell episode, a helicopter appears from above (deus ex machina turns out to be an actual machina) to rescue him both from having to appear in future episodes but also so that he may appear in AMC-produced films documenting the further adventures of Sheriff Rick.

So did TWD borrow this character farewell from The Bridge On The River Kwai or Saving Private Ryan? Or both?

We stopped watching TWD about three seasons ago, although we’ll admit to being obsessed with it before then. At this point, though, the show is a personification of its title. How ironic is that?

3. Anderson of Nazare

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pdVuwarDAHU

We really enjoyed this piece on 60 Minutes on the world’s biggest wave (on the Portuguese coast) and the man who, at least for a ride or two, conquered it. If you’re scoring at home, Anderson Cooper has dived with great white sharks off the coast of South Africa, dived in croc-infested rivers in Africa, and ridden a waverunner in front of 25-foot waves off Nazare.

No wonder his hair is white.

Speaking of which…

4. For Pete’s Ache

Forget that he looks like the oldest lesbian in the cell block on Orange Is The New Black, SNL‘s Pete Davidson flirted with Lorne Michaels having to fire him after he mocked a one-eyed Republican candidate, Daniel Crenshaw, who lost his right eye as a Navy SEAL serving a tour of duty in Afghanistan.

Davidson: “This guy is kind of cool, Dan Crenshaw.”

Weekend Update co-host Michael Che (knowing what’s coming because obviously they did this in dress rehearsal): “Yo, come on.”

Davidson: ““You may be surprised to hear he’s a congressional candidate from Texas and not a hit man in a porno movie.”

One note here. The Fox & Friends gang will use Davidson’s low blow to declare that “both sides” are going over the line. Of course, the difference is that Davidson’s a comic with some serious mental health issues while the person F&F is trying to equate him to is the president of the United States.

The Davidson kerfuffle, alas, overshadowed a hilarious line by Che earlier in the segment. Complaining about how if the liberals in his orbit would just shut up about his not voting, Che reminded them that he’s an actual native New Yorker and that if they really wanted to help out they’d go back to Ohio or wherever they are from and vote there. “You know how red states stay red?” Che said. “They send their liberal kids to coastals cities to study improv.”

Devastating.

Also liked the cold open, particularly for the mention of the “1990 Detroit Pistons” (the specificity of the year was perfect) and the shout-out to/ripping of Alec Baldwin (he should’ve made a cameo in the Five-Timers Club bit in handcuffs, though).

5. Bear To Your Right

We cannot wait to learn that this is actually the Hunter Valley Ski Lodge just a couple hours north of New York City.

Music 101

Chick-A-Boom (Don’t Ya Jes’ Love It)

From off-beat songs like this 1971 radio hit by Daddy Dewdrop did Dr. Demento build a syndicated radio career.

Remote Patrol

No Country For Old Men

Netflix

Llewelyn Moss: Take the money and run

The MH staff held a movie night in our North American headquarters last night and this 2007 Best Picture winner from the Coen Brothers still holds up. It will always hold up. We still think Tommy Lee Jones deserved to win Best Actor in this category, though it’s pretty difficult to argue with the scenery-chewing work of Daniel Day-Lewis in There Will Be Blood. We’ll be honest: another reason this film captivates us is that Josh Brolin’s Llewelyn Moss looks, sounds and behaves like the adult version of one of our childhood best friends (who would go on to briefly pitch in Major League Baseball for the Angels).

Every last actor in this film is authentic and you can just taste the west Texas dirt in your mouth as you watch it. Other films have come along and attempted to invade this space (see, Hell Or High Water) but they just tried too damn hard. The best Coen Brothers film, and for us this is that, never overexert themselves. This is a genuine classic.

CHRIS PICKS! Week 9

by Chris Corbellini

 

Week 9 Picks: Gambling Nation has arrived

“Man, forget fantasy and forget Vegas. We got the win, so that’s all that matters.” –NFL MVP candidate Todd Gurley

SportsCenter leads with stories of bad beats, Todd Gurley blows up Twitter after massacring gamblers by not scoring a late TD, and seemingly every headline in Sports Business Journal is somehow connected to a league and a new betting partnership. It’s not just sly Al Michaels references anymore at the two-minute warning. We’re past trending and on our way to full-blown craze when it comes to sports gambling. It all happened so fast.

But will it truly hit the mainstream?

Yeah, I say f-ck yes.

I mean, have you ever sat at a hot blackjack table on a Friday night? Or craps? It doesn’t happen every time you sit down, but when it does the room crackles with energy. It’s like the table is sharing the same three-drink buzz.

The moment a sports book figures out how to weed out the Off-Track Betting crowd, and make it more like a day-clubbing space in Vegas or a cheery spot to wear sundresses and fancy hats … not a back-room smoking section for pasty, down-on-their-lucks grinding away at $5 poker … then we’re at next-level tourism and commerce and acceptance. That’ll provide the sports betting blueprint for every book and casino, nationwide. And once someone figures out how to make prop bets and in-game stuff feel as sociable and trash-talky as season-long fantasy (we’re getting very close), then sports gambling gift certificate cards could be as popular as iTunes ones in your Christmas stocking.

But it’s more than consumer habits. As soon as monthly recurring revenue and royalty fees became factors and the New Jersey Supreme Court ruling went through, it was only a matter of time before the Big Four cannonballed into the gambling hot tub. The NHL recently signed a betting partnership and has a team in Las Vegas, the NBA made MGM Resorts its first official gambling partner, MLB has a partnership with DraftKings, and the NFL, I’m sure, is probably taking meetings with books and casinos on both coasts, with the renegade Raiders bound for Sin City as well. The projections are in the billions. With a B.

As long as pro athletes like Gurley continue to shrug when asked about the economics and stakes of betting on sports, the industry is in a good place. The social cost of the business is for another post, perhaps after the NFL season is over and all the Super Bowl action is over. Until then, here are the updated Super Bowl LII odds, which is a good a place to start when mulling over my picks:

Los Angeles Rams: 8-5
Kansas City Chiefs: 9-2

New England Patriots: 6-1

New Orleans Saints: 7-1

Pittsburgh Steelers: 7-1

Interestingly, two of these favs are scheduled to be the main event for Week 9: Rams at Saints, with the highest Vegas O/U of the slate (57.5). So I’ll start there.

As always, home team in CAPS, with William Hill odds.

Rams (+1.5) over Saints

I was genuinely moved by that you-couldn’t-have-scripted-this-better scene of
Drew Brees huddled with his kids after he broke the NFL’s all-time touchdown pass record last month. Brees told them, with the New Orleans crowd still at full-throat and losing it: “Hey, I love you guys so much. Hey, you can accomplish anything in life if you’re willing to work for it, right? I love you boys, I love you!” The quote puts a smile on your face just reading it. The moment belongs in a Disney movie … so cheesy it works for kids and adults alike. And with Papa Drew slinging it, this team is a Super Bowl contender, right? Fade to black. Credits roll.

But when you look at the Saints defense, that smile becomes a serious stare, and then your eyes glaze over. Holy hell, they are bad. The Saints are 32nd in the league against an opponent’s top receiver and No. 2 receiver, 30th against a running back in the passing game, and oh yeah, dead f-cking last overall against the pass. Otherwise, not bad — if that opponent decides not to throw the ball.

Starting this week the unbeaten Rams may start to feel the heat of competing against their own high standards … maybe that’s what this line is trying to tell us.  OK, maybe. I heard a great line this week from an actual working screenwriter, “It’s like diamonds on the floor,” and that’s a good way to describe all the big plays that are about to happen on both sides. But I believe LA will do a little more to get to 9-0.

Bears (-10) over BILLS
I don’t care about the -10 on the road. Nathan Peterman’s Pro Football Focus grade is in the goddamn 20s. I also entered the PFF grades of the starting lineups from this game into Excel, and the grading differential between Buffalo’s offense and Chicago’s defense is -19.1818, nearly two points per player. So many thanks mighty Excel, for crushing the dreams of Bills Nation. Let’s move on, shall we?

Packers (+5.5) over PATRIOTS

The “Aaron Is Pissed Off Game.” Rodgers was robbed in Los Angeles last week, the Packers traded away running back Ty Montgomery because of it, and now, at 3-3-1, you begin to wonder if head coach Mike McCarthy is next to go. But I just don’t see that happening. I just don’t see Aaron going quietly this season.

A win on Sunday night, in front of the quarterback Rodgers is most compared to in Tom Brady, could easily snowball into a six-game winning streak (the next five: at home vs. Miami, at Seattle, at Minnesota, home vs. Arizona and Atlanta). Plus, the Pats can’t seem to cover an opponent’s top receiver – they are ranked 25th in that category. A Bill Belichick defense is never caught unprepared, yes, but Rodgers is throwing missiles into the tightest of spaces, and Davante Adams is becoming that No. 1 who can beat any scheme. Taking a 30,ooo-foot view here (ooh, a workplace cliché!), this primetime bout is the season for Green Bay, while New England could lose until Thanksgiving and still win the AFC East with ease.

 Chiefs (-8) over BROWNS

Whatever. Cleveland’s defense may be friskier than usual under interim head coach Gregg Williams, and might get a few good body blows in early, but Kansas City has this one by 10. Too much speed. Too much everything.

Last week: 4-0

Overall: 12-17

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters

The staff has exceeded the recommended daily allowance of being whelmed at the moment. We will try to post later. As always, we appreciate both your patronage and patronizing comments.

Starting Five

Petty Hate Machine

At his latest ego-shot stop, in Missouri, President Trump took his total lie tally as president up to 6,240, according to folks at The Washington Post who actually investigate such matters.

Meanwhile, Fox & Friends’ Ainsley Earhardt provided the perfect quote for these Orwellian with-a-splash-of-Catch-22-thrown-in-for-good-measure times:


“He’s saying if you don’t want to be called the enemy, then get the story right, be accurate and report the story the way I want it reported.”

She probably does not even understand the irony of this quote.

Here’s a column from Paul Krugman in today’s New York Times. You may disagree with what he’s saying because you do not like hearing it, but is there anything factually askew?

2. From A War With Iraq To A War With A Rock


If the commander-in-chief of the United States armed forces orders his soldiers to fire on mineral-toting refugees, are they obligated to follow that order? How does the chain of command work here? How large must the rocks be? Can we get a ruling on dirt clods? Rolled-up tortillas?

The above video may mark the first time you ever see a guest appear on a cable news program and declare, “I’m a former flight attendant!” as a means of providing credentials.

3. A Big Schtick

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6i0Krt006J0

You either groan at this type of humor from Seth Meyers or, like us, you absolutely bathe in it. Keen-eyed observers will note that Seth and his writers are borrowing from vintage Letterman bits (performed in the very same studio where Seth now does his Late Night show), Monty Python’s Flying Circus and even Batman (the original movie from the 1960s, which featured a plethora of slapstick, including a “Batmobile Parachute Pickup Service”).

Inspired stuff, all the way through, and take note how Meyers continually sounds both contrite and dismayed at how unworthy the segment is. That’s hair-shirting right out of the Letterman closet.

4. Colleen Kaepernick? 

Before last night’s much-heralded NFL debut of Nick Mullens, an unidentified member of the San Franciso 49er cheerleader squad, the Gold Rush, took a knee during the national anthem. Same stadium, same team. What will happen next?

Here’s the lineup if you want to take an uneducated guess as to who was the kneeler. One thing you’ll learn by perusing: there’s a Gold Rush member named Montana.

5. Farewell, Dr. Z

Legendary SI scribe Paul Zimmerman, conneisseur of the gridiron, wines and the fabulous redhead, passed away yesterday at the age of 86. No one at SI was more knowledgeable about the sport, no writer over the age of 45 took to the transition to the web more seamlessly (it was the source of a second, perhaps even more celebrated career there), and no writer was, to be honest, more of a bully to fact-checkers. Remember the deposition scene in The Social Network? Pretty much that every Monday.

This regular feature was both alluring and creepy, not unlike the annual swimsuit issue.

Remote Patrol

SUNDAY
Packers at Patriots 

8 p.m. NBC

Rodgers and the Packers prevailed in their only previous meeting, four years ago at Lambeau

Even the MH staff, which ordinarily does not begin watching NFL games until January, is eager for this one: the two greatest quarterbacks of this century meeting up in Foxboro for only the second time in their careers: 33 combined seasons, five NFL MVP awards, five Super Bowl rings, 83o touchdown passes, more than 129,000 yards passing. Statistically, you may want to elevate Brees or Manning or even Favre over Rodgers, but we’ll go with this pair because, on top of all the statistical superlatives, they know how to win games late better than anyone of their generation.